Original subtitles

Whip crack away, whip crack away

Whip crack away

Whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

The Deadwood stage!

The Deadwood stage!

The Deadwood stage!

Oh, the Deadwood stage Is a-rollin' on over the plains

With the curtains flappin' And the driver slappin' the reins

A beautiful sky

A wonderful day

Whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

Oh, the Deadwood stage Is a-headin' on over the hills

Where the Injun arrows Are thicker than porcupine quills

Dangerous land

No time to delay

So whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

We're headin' straight for town Loaded down with a fancy cargo

Care of Wells and Fargo, Illinois Boy

Oh, the Deadwood stage Is a-comin' on over the crest

Like a homing pigeon That's a-hankerin' after its nest

Twenty-three miles

We've covered today

So whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

The wheels go turnin' round, homeward bound Can't you hear them humming

Happy times are coming for to stay Hey

We'll be home tonight By the light of the silvery moon

And my heads a-thumpin' Like a mandolin a-plunking a tune

When I get home

I'm fixing to stay

So whip crack away, whip crack-away Whip crack-away

Whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

Here they be, here they be

How's about a welcome?

A peaceful sort of welcome for the gang

Oh, the Deadwood stage Is finally home again

Well excuse my stammer If it ain't Calamity Jane

Hi, Calam

- What'd you bring us today? - New rubber boots?

- Ten-dollar suits? - Things to crochet?

Beads that sparkle like a prism Snake oil for your rheumatism

Calico and gingham for the girls

Gumdrops made in Chicago Gumdrops just a trifle soggy

And a genuine string of artificial pearls

Here's a hat from Cincinnati

Same as Adelina Patti Wore in every famous concert hall

Cast your eye on Dr. Boer's Patent-pending hair restorer

Guaranteed to grow hair on a billiard ball

Introducin' Henry Miller

Just as busy as a fizzy sarsaparilla

Ain't a showman and he's smarter Operates the Golden Garter

Where the cream of Deadwood City Come to dine

And I'm glad to say He's a very good friend of mine

Hi, Joe Say, where'd you get them fancy clothes?

I know Off some fellow's laundry line

Hi, Beau Aren't you the Prairie Rose

Smelling like a watermelon vine

Here's a man the sheriff watches

On his gun There's more then 27 notches

On the draw there's no one faster And you're flirting with disaster

When Bill Hickok's reputation you malign

And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend, Of a friend of mine

Oh, my throat's as dry As a desert thistle in May

In the Golden Garter Gonna wet my whistle today

Last to the bar's a three-legged crow

Set them up, Joe, set them up, Joe Set them up, Joe

Drinks on the house, drinks on the house

Set them up, Joe

Make mine sarsaparilla.

It ain't so funny.

Any excitement on this trip, Calam?

Excitement.

Why, I got more arrows in the back of that coach than a porcupine's got stickers.

Seemed like the whole Sioux nation.

- Hey, where is that sarsaparilla? - Here you are, Calam.

I'd like a little beer.

No, please. Don't. Don't!

Is there a woman in here?

No, sir. Just Indians.

Where is my actress?

Without warning, down they come out of them hills howling like souls in torment.

Why, must have been 100 of them.

It weren't no laughing matter.

Sure, it wasn't. I'd hate to have a war party that big on my tail.

You know, Bill, except for me, of course...

you're the only galoot in the world could've brought that coach in.

Thanks, Calam.

Of course, it called for some mighty rapid shooting.

My gun got so hot, I had to sit with my legs stretched out...

holding the muzzle of my gun between my feet to keep it from curling up.

Yeah, I must have killed about 30 of them painted varmints before they got discouraged.

I've got to see to the horses.

How many of them injuns you reckon I shot, Rattlesnake?

About 30, I reckon, Calam.

That's better. Next time I tell a story, keep your hands in your pockets...

you toothless old buffalo.

Come and get them.

Who wants cigarettes? Just came in on the stage. A dollar a pack.

Look at them, snapping for them cigarettes like a bunch of silk-gloved dudes.

- Another dying Robert E. Lee. - I got General Grant.

- Queen Victoria. - Carnsarn boat again.

- Yippee! I got her. I got her. - Let's see it.

I'll give you $5 for it.

I wouldn't take 50, because I'm keeping her close to my heart.

- What you suppose is getting into them? - It's Adelaid, Calam. Adelaid.

What's an Adelaid?

She's a hope. A dream. A vision.

You see her carved on the prow of an ancient ship...

in the dying embers of the camp fire.

Circe, Aphrodite, Helen of Troy. In this case, it's Adelaid Adams.

You mean, all that in a pack of cigarettes?

Beautiful, ain't she?

She ain't got nothing on but her underwear.

Them's tights, Calam.

She's a great actress, so they tell me.

She's charming, lovely figure, everything that a woman ought to be.

Looks like a fat, frilled-up side of undressed beef to me.

I could look the same. Except I got certain ideas about modesty.

Ain't one man wouldn't ride 100 miles just for one glimpse of Miss Adams.

You, maybe. Some of that scum around here.

But a gentleman wouldn't look twice at such a picture.

Yeah. A gentleman like Lieutenant Gilmartin for instance?

Yeah, now that you mention it. Like Lieutenant Gilmartin.

You're kind of stuck on him, ain't you?

Ain't saying until he does.

Say, where's he been, anyway? I kind of thought maybe he'd be here to meet the stage.

Oh, he's on duty at the Fort, I guess. Last time I saw him was a week ago.

He came in to buy a pack of them cigarettes.

Mr. Miller, please. Nobody pays any attention to me.

Why should they?

Well, Mr. Miller, you're expecting me. I'm Francis Fryer.

Where is my actress?

The one who wrote me the letter about my ad in the Chicago newspaper?

I hired her. She's supposed to be here. Look.

I'm advertising her.

Oh. Well, that's me.

You're her?

No, I'm not her. You see, I'm...

Look. "Francis Fryer."

You're Francis Fryer? You deceived me. You're fired.

No, you're not fired. I've got to have somebody.

I'm ruined.

I advertised an actress. When that crowd sees you tonight, they'll lynch me.

Go hide in my office.

Tell us all about it.

What happened? Who got you?

Indians. War party.

There were five of us: Two surveyors and a lieutenant from the Fort.

They jumped us at Eagle Pass.

They killed the surveyors and the lieutenant.

- What lieutenant? - Gilmallin, his name was.

- They got Danny Gilmartin? - They got him, all right. The others too.

The rotten savages!

How did they get him? Quick? Clean? In the heart?

- I reckon. Or in the head. - Maybe both.

Don't you know?

They got him plenty. They got him quick and fast.

His horse went down. He died right where he fell.

Didn't you go back and find out for sure?

Go back? How in blazes could we go back?

They chased us for 10 miles, showering us with arrows.

You left him, didn't you?

You never went back to see if he was dead or alive.

You slab-sided, white-bellied coyotes.

You left Danny like I wouldn't leave a hurt dog!

- Calam, where are you going? - To get Danny.

Let's go!

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Just untie me.

Get on that horse.

Why do we have to ride the same horse? We could've grabbed an Indian pony.

It's cozier this way.

What happened then, Calam?

I give him a bullet right between the eyeballs.

Then me and Danny lit out, two more of them coming after us.

I shot them both. Didn't I, Danny?

- Why... Well... Ahem. - You killed four of them?

- That's all there were. - You're the girl to do it too.

What's the matter with you? Don't you believe me?

Oh, sure.

Only, with you killing off them redskins so fast...

I was wondering why the government even bothered to send the army.

Are you calling me a liar again?

Why don't you ever fix your hair?

Adelaid Adams! I got her! Look!

I didn't save you for no other female.

Gentlemen and... gentlemen.

In keeping with the policy of the Golden Garter...

which strives to bring to Deadwood the best in entertainment...

regardless of the expense...

it is my great pleasure to present to you now...

that lovely star, that toast of New York, Miss Frances Fryer.

I can't.

I can't.

- Come on. Get out there. - If I go on as a woman, they'll murder me.

If you don't, they'll murder you. And me too. Now, get out there.

- Do you see what I see? - She ain't very good-looking.

That ain't all she ain't.

I've got two wonderful arms

I've got two wonderful lips

I'm over 21 and I'm free

Oh, I've got a hive full of honey

For the right kind of honey bee

Psst.

I'm not the glamorous type

But I'm the amorous type

You'll love the way I fit on your knee

Oh, I've got a hive full of honey

For the right kind of honey bee

My daddy owns a rail road

And my ma is a millionaire

And besides, I'm an only child

Do you think you could learn to care?

If you're the one I adore

Come on and get it before

Somebody shakes it down from the tree.

I've got a hive full of honey

For the right kind of honey bee

I got two wonderful arms I got two wonderful lips

I'm over 21 and I'm free

Oh, I've got a hive full of honey

For the right kind of honey bee

Miller is in for it now.

Please, everybody, I can explain. I may have made a mistake about his gender...

but not his talent. He's a great actor.

He's wonderful. If you'd give us a chance. I'll make it up to you.

You'll have a good time.

Gosh, Bill, they're all walking out of here. This will ruin Millie.

- Do something. - Do what?

Listen to me!

Listen to me, you mangy groundhogs.

This ain't no way to treat Millie. You wouldn't have a theater without him.

Can't a man make a mistake in this town?

We ain't suckers. He promised us a New York actress. Look what we got!

Yeah!

- You got what he got! - We don't want it. No, we don't want it!

Wait a minute!

He knows how disappointed you are. Give him a chance and he'll make it up.

- Won't you, Millie? - Sure. Anything.

He fooled us once, and he'll fool us again.

Millie won't do nothing for us.

He will. He'll get you an actress prettier than the one you expected.

- Why, he's written for her already. - What actress? Who's he going to get?

A big one. A plumb big one.

Who, Calam? Tell us who.

We'd like to know who she is.

Adelaid Adams, that's who!

It sounds too good to be true, but it better be.

You've got Calamity Jane's word on it.

Get back to your tables, you coyotes. Enjoy the show!

I'll make this all up to you.

Mr. Miller, Adelaid Adams is in Chicago. She wouldn't be caught dead in this town.

I think I'll take a long walk off a short precipice.

Look, I figure...

My death warrant, she signed. Adelaid Adams.

If you'd only promised them any other actress.

- I don't know no other actress. - That's why they call her "Calamity."

Listen, you two-bit gambler...

I didn't see you come up with an idea when the chips were down.

At least you've still got a theater. What stops you getting this Adelaid?

This joint's the biggest goldmine in Deadwood. You can afford it.

- Why don't you send for her? - Why don't I send for the Queen of Sheba?

Yeah.

No good. They want Adelaid.

Look, nothing is impossible for Calamity.

Didn't she save the stage from 100 savage injuns?

Didn't she rescue her pretty lieutenant from a fate worse than death?

Besides, she gave the boys her word that Adelaid would be here.

Calamity's word is sacred.

Bill.

- You really have that much faith in me? - Who knows you better than me?

You think I could go to Chicago and bring Adelaid Adams back here?

You gave your word, and I trust that.

About as much as I do a blind rattlesnake with a brand new button on his tail.

Hey, wait a minute.

- Aw, you no good four-flushing... - You talk too much.

In the summer you're the winter

In the finger you're the splinter

In the banquet you're the stew

Say, I could do without you

In the garden you're the gopher

In the Levi's you're the loafer

Like an overturned canoe

Well, I can do without you

You can go to Philadelphia

Take a hack to Hackensack

Hey, I'll never ring a bell for you

Or yell for you to come back

In the question you're the why

In the ointment you're the fly

Though I know some things Are indispensable

Like a buck or two

If there's one thing I can do without

I can do without you

In the barrel, you're a pickle

In the goldmine, you're a nickel

You're the tack inside my shoe

Yes, I can do without you

In my bosom you're a dagger

You're a mangy carpetbagger

In the theater you're the boo

I can do without you

You got charms, they ain't bewitchin' me

You've a face no one would paint

I got the darndest itch in me

To be wherever you ain't

In the bullfrog, you're the croak

In the forest, poison oak

Though I know some things are necessary

My half-pint buckaroo

If there's one thing I can do without I can do without...

- You're a knothead - You're a faker

- You're a bonehead - Troublemaker

I can do without you

Oh, Calam.

The night Adelaid steps on that stage, I'll come dressed as a Sioux squaw...

lugging a papoose.

I'll bring her, Bill Hickok, if I have to drag her back with my teeth!

Look out, Adelaid Adams. Rattlesnake!

Salary's no object. Promise her anything, but bring her.

I've got the cigarette picture, I'll find her.

- Calam, do me a favor. - What?

When you're in Chicago, notice the women, how they act and what they wear.

Get yourself some female clothes and fixings.

You know, dresses, ribbons, perfume, things like that.

- If you don't like how I smell... - It's nothing personal.

If you ever crawled out of that deer hide and dolled up a bit...

I got a hunch you'd be a passable, pretty gal.

Well, save your hunches for females who get their pictures taken in long underwear.

I ain't one of them.

- Come on. Get this schooner rolling. - Hyah!

Scalps.

A massacre.

Drop it, you murdering copperhead.

I'll be hornswoggled.

When you turn to the subject of Harry

That's a horse from a different safari

He can box like a fox

He's as dumb as an ox

But it's Harry I'm planning to marry

Yes, it's Harry she's plannin' to marry

My heart's twined around his suspenders

He's the one that I truly adore

I'm numb, I succumb when he renders

The face on the bar room floor

When he flexes his muscles, I flutter

Like a butterfly caught in a shutter

When he calls me his mate

I just disintegrate

Since the world first began

Since the world first began

Never been such a man

Never been such a man

Who could love like he can

So it's Harry I'm planning to marry

They love you, Miss Adams.

Shouldn't you take another bow? It's your last night.

I'm gratefully aware of that.

See that the trunks are packed, and my costumes...

Get rid of those awful things. Sell them or do something.

I'll make you a present of them.

I'll buy a whole new wardrobe. London, Vienna, Paris.

How different from this primitive Chicago.

These past few weeks have been a dreadful bore.

How can you say that, Miss Adams? They have been glorious.

If I could be on the stage for one minute, to see all those people looking up at me...

listening, admiring...

Like looking into the pens at the stockyards.

Hurry up, Katie. We mustn't keep Mr. Kingsley waiting.

Maybe some day I will be on the stage.

Not a grand, beautiful star like you, Miss Adams.

Just to sing a song maybe. I can dance and sing a little.

Of course you can. I've heard you. Very nice for choirs and weddings, but...

I doubt that your voice would ever carry beyond the footlights.

There, now. How do I look?

Beautiful, Miss Adams. Just beautiful.

Even if I never sang alone, if I were only in the chorus...

couldn't you suggest it to somebody sometime?

You're not serious, Katie. Not really?

My dear, it isn't just your voice, it's...

You other equipment is hardly adequate.

Oh. Cheer up. Maybe I'll send for you when I get to Paris. All right?

Good night, darling.

Good night.

When you turn to the subject of Harry

That's a horse from a different safari

He can box like a fox

He's as dumb as an ox

But it's Harry I'm planning to marry

My heart's twined around his suspenders

He's the one that I truly adore

I'm numb, I succumb when he renders

The face on the bar room floor

When he flexes his muscles, I flutter

Like a butterfly caught in a shutter

When he calls me his...

What is it, ma'am? Where's the varmint?

Who are you?

Oh. My name is Canary, Miss Adams, most folks call me Calamity.

I came from Deadwood City to see you and talk you into going back with me.

Gosh almighty, you're the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

I've never known a woman could look like that.

Say.

- How do you hold that dress up there? - Please.

- I have to change clothes. Do you mind? - Helping you? Why, sure.

I've plugged men for less than that.

If you don't get out of here this instant, Mr. Canary...

or Mr. Calamity, or whatever your name is...

Mister?

Why, I ain't no mister.

- You're a woman? - Of course, I'm a woman.

You thought I was a man?

Come to think of it, that ain't so funny.

I'm sorry. But those clothes, the gun and everything.

I reckon I do look a mite strange to a lady like you.

I guess I ain't much to look at.

But there ain't a woman I can't out-ride or out-shoot or...

Everybody can't have a figure like Adelaid Adams.

That's a matter of opinion.

In the opinion of Deadwood City, there ain't no other opinion.

Now, let's get down to business.

I'd like to hire you to come and sing in Deadwood.

Me?

I got a lot of nerve asking you, I know. Deadwood City ain't no Chicago...

and the Golden Garter ain't no grand theater like this one...

but they want you mighty bad, and I promised them you'd come.

Name your own salary.

Well, the salary isn't important. It's just...

Me?

Every prospector in the territory is chewing himself sick with tobacco...

just to get a picture of you.

Tell Deadwood, Miss Adams is sorry, but she's going to Europe.

Don't you reckon you could put that off until after you played Deadwood?

Sure, I could, but...

Maybe I could.

It's ridiculous. I couldn't.

Is this the only picture they have of me in Deadwood?

- The cigarette picture? - I reckon so, ma'am.

Where is Deadwood?

Dakota Territory. Out in the Black Hills.

- Indians? - Sioux tribe.

But you needn't worry about Injuns when you travel with Calamity Jane.

Do trains go there?

Well, not for the last 100 miles.

- But the stage is comfortable. - No telegraph?

No.

If you want to send a letter, there's a dispatcher...

If I refused, you'd poke that gun in my back and march me to the rail road station.

- Well, now... - I'm at your mercy. Come help me pack.

I got a strange feeling someone is being hustled.

Hyah! Hyah!

Come on, you redskin naked heathens!

Run up here and get your one-way ticket to the happy hunting grounds!

Come on, catch us! And catch that!

And that!

Get the steam up in them horses.

Are you comfortable in there, Miss Adams?

Well, it's all over.

I told you you had nothing to worry about. Not when you're riding with Calamity.

Miss Adams, you all right?

Miss Adams.

Calamity's back, and she brought Adelaid Adams.

Adelaid Adams.

Quiet! Listen to me!

All right, you mangy pack of dirt-scratching beetles.

I promised you Adelaid Adams, and I brought her.

Quiet! Wait a minute!

Everybody stand back. Let's give her a real Deadwood welcome.

Throw them bags down, Rattlesnake.

- Your servant, ma'am, Bill Hickok. - Wild Bill Hickok?

If I am, you could tame me, ma'am.

Lieutenant Daniel Gilmartin, Miss Adams. Yours to command.

Thank you.

This way, Miss Adams.

Miss Adams, you are here. I'm unworthy. My theater is unworthy.

But you're a true artist. You are here.

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, Miss Adams, permit me to introduce a fellow thespian, also from the East.

Mr. Francis Fryer.

How do you do, Mr. Fryer?

Fryer. Don't I know you from somewhere?

We played St. Louis the same week last year.

At... different theaters, of course.

How nice to see you again.

Shall we go inside, Miss Adams?

Calam, you did it. I could shoot myself with happiness.

Maybe I should shoot myself for bringing her.

Now, Miss Adams, I'll show you to your room.

Finest room in the house. Had it specially decorated.

Oh, thank you.

Gentlemen.

- Congratulations, Calamity. - Only Calamity could do it!

I bet if she went after Sitting Bull she'd bring him back, too.

Did you see the show? Did you see Miss Adams work?

What is it like in the big city?

Boys, Chicago's the biggest noise in Illinois!

Listen.

I just blew in from the windy city

The windy city is mighty purty

But they ain't got what we got No sirree

They got shacks up to seven stories

Never see any morning glories

But a step from our doorway

We got them for free

They've got those minstrel shows

Purty ladies in the big chapeaus

Private lawns, public parks

For the sake of civic virtue

They've got fountains there that squirt you

I just blew in from the windy city

The windy city is mighty purty

But they ain't got what we got

I'm telling you, boys

We got more life in Deadwood city Than in all of Illinois

On the street was a dancin' fellow

All dressed up in a suit of yellow

And the dance that he did there

Went somethin' like this

Whistle

More

You should've seen me a-window shopping

A-window shopping with eyes a-poppin'

At the sights that you see there Yes, sirree

Press a bell and a moment later

Up you go in an elevator

Just as fast as a polecat a-climbin' a tree

I heard claim hundreds came

To a thing they calla baseball game

Cigar stores, revolving doors

Men wear sideburns and they ought to

Because a haircut costs a quarter

I just blew in from the windy city

The windy city is mighty purty

But they ain't got what we got

I'm tellin' you, boys

I ain't a-swappin' half of Deadwood For the whole of Illinois

Hurry up. This isn't just any night.

This is Adelaid Adams' night. Hear that crowd!

Billy, you've got to know. I've got to tell you. That girl, she's...

Oh, never mind.

Millie, that Adelaid Adams, she isn't... I mean, she's...

What's the use if she is or if she isn't? She's got to be.

Because if she isn't, that crowd... We'll all be...

I'll have two fast horses waiting at the stage entrance.

Why? I'm not going anywhere.

Actors are crazy people.

Scared, aren't you, Katie Brown?

You thought it was smart posing as Adelaid Adams.

Like to run like mad, wouldn't you? Catch a train, get out of this crazy town.

But you can't. You're trapped. There is no train.

Oh, clever, clever you.

- Five minutes, Miss Adams. - I'll be ready.

Five minutes, and look at you. You haven't even got a face.

Gentlemen and... gentlemen.

The great moment has finally arrived.

There are no words to describe the beauty of the lady you are about to meet.

No melody as sweet as the voice you are about to hear.

Gosh almighty, it's Bill Hickok!

Ain't he gorgeous?

Wild Bill Hickok, sweetheart of the Sioux!

Where are the rest of your kids, Pocahontas?

Here, take him.

Thanks. Everybody get out of here.

All right. That's enough, do you hear?

Bill Hickok! The funniest sight I've ever seen.

Calamity, please! He's mad. Don't break up the show!

All right, Calam. I paid my debt.

The next man that laughs is going to get his head ventilated.

Calam, please! Miss Adams is waiting.

The one and only, Miss Adelaid Adams.

Go on out there and give them everything, Katie.

Katie?

- She don't look much like her pictures. - She's prettier.

Well, now, if you've got a cutie Who's a real sweet patootie

Better keep it under your hat

Just remember curiosity in fables of old

Killed the curious cat

What's the matter with her? She didn't sing like that in Chicago.

If you love a laddie Who's a real sugar daddy

Better take in the welcoming mat

Remember there's a dozen dolls For every Dan

You're not the only sweet pea...

Where's your voice, Adelaid? You leave it in Chicago?

So if you wanna know the way To keep your man

Keep it under your hat

- That's the great Adelaid Adams? - The poor, foolish kid.

Well, now, if you've got cutie Who's a real sweet patootie...

Your hat

Just remember curiosity in fables of old

Sing out, Adelaid, like you did in Chicago!

I can't. I'm not Adelaid Adams.

You're not A...?

Aw, she's joshing. Of course she's Adelaid Adams.

I brought her myself, didn't I? I ought to know. Not Adelaid Adams.

Don't joke like that, Adelaid. These galoots ain't got no sense of humor.

It's not a joke. I wish it were.

Please don't be angry with me. I know I shouldn't have done it, but...

Let's get this straight. You say you're not Adelaid Adams?

No, ma'am. Sir.

I'm Katie Brown.

Katie Brown?

Calamity!

You were Adelaid Adams in Chicago, in her dressing room.

I was her maid. She gave me her costumes.

She was going to Europe, and I wanted so badly to be on the stage.

- Calamity framed it. - Yeah, bringing in Adelaide maid-.

She ought to be run out of town.

Fellows, listen. What's Adelaid Adams to us, anyhow?

If this is a double-cross, all I gotta say...

is you can double-cross me like this every day of the week.

I didn't know. I thought she was Adelaid. I'm just as surprised as you are.

So help me, Bill, I can't understand.

Please don't blame Calamity. She didn't know. She didn't!

I fooled her just as I tried to fool you. It's all my fault.

I thought I could make you like me.

Listen to me.

Listen!

Don't let her bull-nose you. She ain't getting away with it this time.

There, now. That's better.

Ain't you ashamed of yourselves, treating a lady this way?

All right, so she ain't Adelaid Adams.

She made off she was because she wanted to be an actress.

And she thought maybe we'd give her that chance.

What's wrong with that, anyhow? We're all here on the same ticket.

You all came here to Deadwood looking for something...

you couldn't find anywhere else.

You're all looking for that pot of gold, and Katie here ain't no different.

Well, what have you got to say?

Are you going to grouch about a picture, or are you going to give a real live...

and pretty young lady a chance to prove she belongs here?

It's up to you.

- As long as she's up there, let her sing. - All right, give her a chance.

What do we've got to lose?

That's all we want to hear. Let her rip, Katie Brown.

Give it all you got. Do it your own way.

Play.

Well, now, if you've got a cutie Who's a real sweet patootie

Better keep it under your hat

Just remember curiosity in fables of old

Killed the curious cat

Supposin' you've got the laddie Who's a sweet sugar daddy

Better take in the welcoming mat

Remember there's a dozen dolls For every Dan

You're not the only sweet pea In the can

So if you wanna know the way To keep your man

Keep it under your hat

If you wanna know the way To keep your man

Keep it under your hat

Keep it under your hat

Keep it under your hat

She is great. Deadwood doesn't need no imported actress. We roll our own.

Let me loose!

Let me loose. Quit it, Bill Hickok. So help me, I'll shoot your ears off.

Quit it, I say. Let me loose.

You hear what I say? Let me out of this.

Bill Hickok, I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do. Let me down.

You no-good sneaking sidewinder. Let me down out of here.

Adelaid Adams? And me in this squaw getup.

You've got the biggest mouth in the whole Dakota Territory.

You flap-eared varmint, let me down.

You dirty, mangy, mole-legged, miserable son of a slinking coyote!

Let me down out of here!

Flap your wings, Calam, you can fly!

Let me down!

I'll get you for this.

Here we go.

You're leaving already, Miss Brown? You only opened last night.

I'm sorry. I was hoping to get better acquainted.

Getting better acquainted with him is like making a pet out of a polecat.

I think that would be very nice, Mr. Hickok.

It ain't likely I'll turn up in Chicago.

Chicago? I'm not going to Chicago.

You're not? Where are you going?

It ain't none of your business, squaw man.

I'm moving into Calamity's cabin with her.

- You're what? - I brought her, and I'm responsible for her.

- What's the matter with the hotel? - Nothing.

There aren't many women in town and Calamity had the idea we should live together...

and sort of chaperone each other.

You chaperone Calam? And she...?

Oh, this ought to be interesting.

We're mighty glad you approve.

And, Mr. Hickok, please feel free to drop in any time.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

Feel it, but don't try it.

- Come on in, Bill, I'll get you a drink. - No thanks.

If I felt any higher, I'd be flying!

Harry, come here. I want you to do something for me.

My heart is higher than a hawk

My love is deeper than a well

I'm thinkin' in a little while

My love and I'll be doin' very well

An owl is givin' me the eye

The wind is blowin' me a kiss

I wouldn't be at all surprised

If I were only dreamin' all of this

And when I strut about like a Sunny Jim

Dressed in yellow and red

Folks'll shout, "Take a look at him

He's touched in the head"

I said that I would never fall

I laughed at others when they fell

And here I'm falling

Higher than a hawk

And deeper than a well

And when we're all rigged out Like a birthday cake

Eyes'll pop everywhere

Folks'll shout, "Don't you think they make a wonderful pair?"

I said that I would never fall

But if you promise not to tell

My love for you

Is higher than a hawk

And deeper than a well

Ho.

Well, there she sets. Just where I left her.

I won that cabin from a Kansas fellow in a poker game.

A week before he died of lead poisoning.

Bill was in that game.

He lost everything but his fillings.

- Oh. Let me help you down. - Thank you.

Do you dislike Mr. Hickok as much as you pretend to?

Dislike Bill? Me and Bill are thicker than flies in a Pawnee camp.

We're like the seven-year itch to each other, but it's fun scratching.

Yup, that Bill Hickok is about the best friend I ever had.

Of course, my sparky taste...

that kind of runs to blue uniforms and shiny buttons.

- Like second lieutenants wear? - Like second...

Lieutenants wear.

Make yourself right at home.

Be careful.

Yep. You and me will batch it here as cozy as two bugs in a blanket.

Excuse me.

I reckon it needs a little airing around here.

Ain't used the place much, it's too lonesome.

I like to bunk out in the open under a wagon or something.

I know one thing we'll have plenty of: Home cooking.

Just hand me a sack of flour and bacon grease...

Looks like we're out of water.

It's right handy though, I get it from the creek down there.

That's one good thing about this place.

No, I guess there's nothing good about it.

I'm sorry, Katie.

- Oh, it will be all right, Calam. Fine. - No, it won't.

It ain't fit for a dog, let alone a lady.

I didn't know it till you came in here.

Just like I didn't know how far from being a lady I was...

till I saw you in that dressing room in Chicago.

What do I know about nice things? I ain't never had any.

Come on, I'll drive you back to the hotel.

I'm staying right here.

In this rat's nest?

We can fix it. Make it real nice. All it needs is a woman's touch.

A woman's touch?

A woman's touch

A woman's touch

The magic of Aladdin couldn't do as much

She's a wizard, she's a champ

And she doesn't need a lamp

A woman's touch can weave a spell

The kind of hocus pocus That she does so well

With the magic of a broom

You can mesmerize a room

With a whisk, whisk here And a whisk, whisk there

And a dustpan for the cinders

With a rub-rub here and a rub-rub there You can polish up the windows

Then presto, change-o

Suddenly the sun comes shining through

- And what does Mr. Sunshine say to you? - Howdy-do

It makes you blink to stop and think

A woman and a whisk-broom Can accomplish so darn much

So never underestimate a woman's touch

A woman's touch can quickly fill

The empty flower boxes on a window sill

One smile from her and zoom

Little buds begin to bloom

A touch of paint

A magic nail

Can turn a kitchen chair into a Chippendale

Even make the lamp appear

Like a crystal chandelier

With a tack, tack here and a tack, tack there And a hand around a hammer

With a mop, mop here and a mop, mop there You can give a cabin glamour

Then gosh almighty, all at once

The cabin that we knew

Becomes a shining castle built for two

Me and you

The pies and cakes a woman bakes

Can make a fellow tell her

That he loves her very much

It can?

So never underestimate a woman's touch

It's up to me? I'll bet $40.

Howdy, Lieutenant. Care to take a hand?

Not now, thanks. You see...

I'm looking for...

No, not now.

It's up to you, Bill. Call or fold?

- Where are you going? - The same place the lieutenant's going.

Only I'm going to be there first.

All right, all right, I've got ears. I'm coming.

- I'd like to see Miss Brown. - You and every other rooster in town.

She's not staying here. She moved in with Calamity.

Maybe I'd better have a sign painted.

With Calamity?

Where are you going, Calam?

Herb Potter's got tick fever, he's at his cabin by himself.

He needs some doing for him.

No shoes?

I can't wear shoes across the creek.

Bill.

- Hello, Katie. - Lieutenant.

Say, that's a right smart harness you're wearing.

You just keep on getting prettier and...

- Here. - They're very nice. Calamity loves flowers.

- The lieutenant never calls without them. - Wait.

I brought them for...

Where is Calamity?

Up the hill visiting a sick prospector. Won't you come in?

That's Calam, just can't resist a distress signal.

- This ain't Calam's cabin. - It sure doesn't look like it.

We fixed it up a little. Sit down and I'll make you some tea.

It won't take a minute.

Say... lieutenant, don't they need you back at the fort?

They'll manage.

I thought you had a poker game going.

There's always a poker game going.

With the Cheyennes on the war path, folks would feel a heap safer...

if you soldiers didn't gallivant around so much, wasting taxpayer's money.

Nice of you to think of the taxpayers, after the money you cost them in funerals.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

I'm all out of wood. I'll have to go out and chop some.

- I'll do it. - Here, let me.

- I hate to trouble you, Bill. - No trouble at all, ma'am.

Katie.

It was very thoughtful of you and Mr. Hickok to look in on us.

But then, Deadwood is that kind of a town. I mean, everyone's so friendly and nice.

Well, after the fool I made of myself the other night...

the way they forgave me and let me go on.

Anyone could forgive you anything, Katie.

Not anything, lieutenant. And not Calamity.

I don't know what idea you have about Calamity and me, but...

It's not my idea, it's hers.

She's in love with you.

But that's ridiculous.

We're friends, good friends. She even saved my life.

- But you can't believe that I and she... - I like Calamity, lieutenant.

She's been very good to me.

I would no more think of coming between her and the man she loves...

The man she loves? Katie, I swear I...

Well, fancy that, it was there all the time.

Danny, believe me...

- Here we are. It didn't take long, did it? - Not long enough.

The... shawl, it fell o...

Let's have tea.

They've got a new commander at the fort, General Stark. He says he knows you.

Yes, I served under him in Virginia during the war.

They're having a ball in his honor Saturday night. I thought you...

I've been invited myself. I kind of hoped you'd go with me, Katie.

She is going with me.

It's customary, lieutenant, to let the lady choose for herself.

- Couldn't the... four of us go together? - What four of us?

Well, you, Bill, me and Calamity.

Calamity?

She's been invited too, and if she doesn't go, I won't either.

She's been expecting you to ask her, lieutenant.

Me? Why me? I told you how I...

That's a smart arrangement. Settles everything.

Calam goes with the lieutenant, you go with me.

Over my dead body.

Get a little respect in your voice when you talk about Calam...

or it might just be that way.

- She's a mighty fine girl. - Girl?

- You should be proud to take her. - You would be, wouldn't you?

I sure would.

Me? Wait, I ain't gonna be stampeded into no fast shuffle here.

I know what you're thinking, both of you.

Calamity's fine on top of a stagecoach or behind an ox team.

But she's not lady enough for social appearances with distinguished gentlemen.

Well, she ain't beautiful.

Calamity's not beautiful? You boys have a big surprise in store for you.

There's only one way to settle this, and that's to draw straws.

The long straw gets Katie and the loser takes Calam.

Is that all right with you, Katie?

Draw, Lieutenant.

I won!

- I'll have the prettiest girl at the ball. - Don't bet on it.

Bill, keep your eyes on that door.

Calamity!

I fell in that dangblasted creek!

Gosh almighty, look who's here.

What brought you to this neck of the woods?

Injun trouble?

They came to ask you to go to the ball.

Both of you?

That's plumb flattering.

- Only I can't go with both of you. - It's all right. We drew straws.

You did? Who won?

- Well... - I did, Calam.

Oh. Oh, you did? Well, that's fine, Bill. That's mighty fine.

Can't think who I'd rather tag along with.

Try to get yourself cleaned up by Saturday, and I'll call for you.

I hear tell it'll be a plumb fancy affair.

Soldiers in dress uniforms, ladies in fancy gowns.

I've never been to a big shindig like that.

I reckon I'll burst my corset strings in the pride of just being asked.

I'll fix you some tea.

Danny.

Ask Katie to go, Danny. I know you want to take me, but ask her.

Do it for me, Danny, please.

You're quite a lady, Calamity.

- Did you have to wear that old army coat? - Old coat?

It was Custer's, Bill. He gave it to me himself.

If it's good enough for Custer, it ought to be good enough for Fort Scully.

This ain't no scalping expedition against Sitting Bull. We're going to a ball.

I know it. We sure got a night for it, ain't we, Bill?

Don't it thrill you just to look at them hills?

It sure does.

No wonder the Injuns fight so fierce to hang on to this country.

Take me back to the Black Hills

The Black Hills of Dakota

To the beautiful Indian country that I love

Lost my heart in the Black Hills

The Black Hills of Dakota

Where the pines are so high

That they kiss the sky above

And when I get that lonesome feelin'

And I'm miles away from home

I hear the voice of the mystic mountains

Calling me back home

- So take me back to the Black Hills - So take me back to the Black Hills

- The Black Hills of Dakota - The Black Hills of Dakota

- To the beautiful Indian country that I love - To the beautiful Indian country that I love

Take me back to the Black Hills

The Black Hills of Dakota

To the beautiful Indian country that I love

Lost my heart in the Black Hills

- The Black Hills of Dakota - The Black Hills of Dakota

- Where the pines are so high - Where the pines are so high

- That they kiss the sky above - That they kiss the sky above

- And when I get that lonesome feelin' - And when I get that lonesome feelin'

- And I'm miles away from home - And I'm miles away from home

- I hear the voice of the mystic mountains - I hear the voice of the mystic mountains

- Callin' me back home - Callin' me back home

So take me back to the Black Hills

The Black Hills of Dakota

To the beautiful Indian country that I love

- To the beautiful Indian country - To the beautiful Indian country

- That I love - That I love

That can't be Calamity.

Why, she's beautiful!

What happened to her?

Save one for me, Miss Calamity.

Wait a minute, fellows.

I can't get all your names on this here card.

I can't even spell most of them.

That's all I got room for.

What you need is a bigger card!

Calamity has been holding out on us, carrying concealed weapons.

How come all these galoots want to dance with me?

At that shindig at Hogan's stable, none of them came around.

- They didn't? - I spent the night chatting with the mules.

That's what I've been telling you, that you'd look better in a dress.

Do I, Danny?

You're an absolute vision, Calamity.

Calamity, is this dance open?

Well, I'm kind of saving this one.

Come on, Calam.

Danny hasn't even asked me for a dance.

I know. Katie and him are thicker than molasses.

Bill, look there.

He's taking her out in the garden.

Katie.

Katie, darling.

Danny, we shouldn't.

I love you, Katie.

I...

Danny...

What about Calamity?

Calamity can be your bridesmaid.

Calam, wait.

- Where are you going? - Home.

I brought her here. Me.

All the way from Chicago. Just to make love to Danny.

So help me, this town ain't big enough for me and that flirting, man-rustling petticoat!

It ain't that serious. People always act silly at these sociables.

You saw them out in that garden. They weren't acting!

- Give me that gun. - Stand clear, Bill Hickok.

I don't see her anywhere, Danny.

You're the only person in the world who'd worry about Calamity.

Bridesmaid?

- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm all right.

She ain't nothing but a miserable, two-timing claim jumper.

Oh! Help me get out of this dangblasted thing!

Well, stand still.

I even took her in my own cabin because I figured she'd need protection.

Like a weasel in a hencoop, she needs protection!

Throw that in with the rest of her man-traps.

And that! And that!

I bet it wasn't the first time she kissed him.

I bet it's been going on all the time. Here in my own cabin.

Gosh almighty, I'm dumb!

If you have to blame somebody, blame that pretty-boy lieutenant of yours.

It seems to me he was on the other end of the kissing.

She charmed him hog-eyed.

Look at these. Silk. Pure silk. I'll bet her mother spun them.

Here. Take them to her! Tell her to keep out of my sight!

So help me, Bill, if I ever see her again...

I'll put a bullet smack in the middle of that pretty face!

In both of them!

When you turn to the subject of Harry

That's a horse from a different safari

He can box like a fox

He's as dumb as an ox

But it's Harry I'm planning to marry

When he flexes his muscles, I flutter

Like a butterfly caught in a shutter

- Sarsaparilla. - Calam, where have you been?

Katie said to tell you if you come in, she'd like to see you.

She's going to see me. Right now.

And it's Harry I'm planning to marry

There's going to be trouble.

My heart's twined around his suspenders

He's the one that I truly a...

What do you want, Calamity?

There's a stage leaving at noon tomorrow. Be on it.

Are you threatening me?

I'm warning you.

What is it? What's going on?

Calamity just warned Katie to get out of town.

Buck, lend me a gun.

Calamity.

Hold up your glass.

What's the matter? Afraid?

Katie's done it!

Imagine Katie making a shot like that.

- Where are you going, Calam? Come here. - Leave me be.

- Get in that buggy. - Let go of me!

Get in there or I'll knock you senseless, if you had any sense.

Come on! Hyah! Hyah!

I've seen you do lots of crazy things...

but this is the first time I've seen you make a fool of yourself.

Sit down and listen.

You're a fake, Calam.

You dress, talk, ride and shoot like a man, but you think like a female.

Like a green-eyed, snarling, spitting female.

Katie beat you twice, out of your man and out of the respect you had around here.

And you helped her.

I did too.

She didn't shoot the glass out of your hand, I did. You needed a lesson.

Who are you to tell people who to love?

Suppose you did scare her out of town, would that get your lieutenant back?

Would that stop Katie from loving him, or him her?

That's female thinking.

He'd bring her back, and they would both hate you.

You had to lose tonight, Calam, or you'd never win again.

Go on, bawl. Admit you're a female.

Have your hysterics, get them over with. You'll feel better.

I was so plumb crazy about him.

I know. I felt the same way about her.

You mean, you're in love with Katie?

It's funny, ain't it?

- Bill, I'm sorry. I didn't know. - Aw.

That's all right.

It'll take some time, but I'll get over it. You will too.

- No, I won't. Not Danny. - Yes, you will.

All I've done for months is dream about him.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

About getting married, and building a cabin...

and having young'uns.

I know it sounds silly, I guess, but...

Bill, I really wanted all those things.

I was kind of hankering for them myself.

There'll never be another man like him. Not for me. Not ever.

It ain't going to be easy getting her out of my system either.

She was so beautiful and...

Beautiful and...

- Bill. - Calam.

Hey. What ever happened to that lieutenant you were telling me about?

I never heard of him.

Once I had a secret love

That lived within the heart of me

All too soon my secret love

Became impatient to be free

So I told a friendly star

The way that dreamers often do

Just how wonderful you are

And why I'm so in love with you

Now I shout it

From the highest hills

Even told the golden daffodils

At last my heart's an open door

And my secret love's no secret

Anymore

Now I shout it

From the highest hills

Even told the golden daffodils

At last my heart's an open door

And my secret love's no secret

Anymore

Howdy, Flanagan.

Say, how's the claim panning out?

The way she acted, no wonder nobody will talk to her.

I hope she don't speak to me. I hate to insult women.

Howdy, fellows. Morning, Billy.

- Howdy, Francis. - Hello, Calamity.

Have you seen Bill around here anywhere?

He and Colorado are out working their claim.

How come they're taking down them signs?

Katie's not here anymore.

Where is she?

She ain't been hurt? Is she sick? Tell me, Francis, where is she?

On her way back to Chicago.

Chicago?

You warned her to get out of town, didn't you? Well, she got.

But I didn't mean it! I was loco.

I didn't want her to go. That's what I came to tell her.

You're late. The stage left a half hour ago.

The town is going to miss that kid.

- We sure will. - Everybody will miss her.

I didn't think she'd go, I swear it.

She wasn't scared. She shot back at me. Why would she go away? Why?

Because she's a lady, Calamity.

She's not mean and selfish and never learned to wreck people's lives like...

Like me. Say it.

I don't have to say it. She left this note. It says everything. Listen.

"Dear Danny, Calamity loves you and..."

- But, I don't! - Shut up and listen!

"Calamity loves you and you probably love her.

I had no right to come between you. I love you both and want you to be happy.

Pretend it was Adelaid Adams who came to Deadwood.

Katie Brown never existed. She doesn't now. Goodbye, Danny."

Never existed?

She was the most real person in Deadwood.

Put them signs back up, Millie. I'm bringing that stage back here!

Hey, Calam, where are you going?

Come on!

I don't know what kind of life you'll have living with that catamount...

but it ain't gonna be dull.

That's for dang sure.

Hey, Rattlesnake.

Rattlesnake, stop.

Hot-headed old possum. Why don't you stop when I yell?

I thought you was injuns.

Katie, I'm going to get married.

Congratulations.

Rattlesnake, stop this coach.

Whoa! Whoa, there!

But I'm going to be Mrs. Hickok.

Bill? But I thought you loved Danny.

Oh, that's female thinking. Nothing will get you into more trouble.

Well, where are we heading, Chicago or back to Deadwood?

Deadwood, Calam. Home.

- Katie. - Oh, Calam.

Females. Pure females.

Now I shout it from the highest hills

Even told the golden daffodils

At last my heart's an open door

And my secret love's no secret

Anymore

Ain't going back to the windy city

The windy city is mighty pretty

But it ain't got what I've got

I'm telling you, boys

I wouldn't trade this golden nugget

For the whole of Illinois

My heart is higher than a hawk

My love is deeper than a well

I'm thinkin' in a little while

My love and I'll be doin' very well

Hey.

What's this for?

Well, that's just in case any more actresses roll in from Chicago.

We'll be home tonight By the light of the silvery moon

And my hearts a-thumpin' Like a mandolin a-plunkin' a tune

- When we get home, we're fixin' to stay - When we get home, we're fixin' to stay

So whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

Oh, the Deadwood stage Is a-rollin' on over the plains

With the curtains flappin' And the driver slappin' the reins

Beautiful sky, a wonderful day

Whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away

Whip crack away, whip crack away Whip crack away