Original subtitles

I was here last week. Where the fuck were you?

- My liver is finally giving up. - What do we do?

Nothing we can do, unless somebody wants to give me their liver.

Stan gave me the bar.

Why would you want it? Have you looked at the books lately?

Someone from your family can donate a portion of their liver.

Why don't you find out if they're a match with your father?

I need you to test this.

- Take a look. - Two babies?

Nope. Three.

Triplets! I got a magic penis, man.

Okay, who has read ahead to chapter seven?

- I'm only 13. - Okay. Cool.

He's dying.

He drank through the liver that he had and he wrecked it.

And now he wants to wreck mine.

- No. No way. - It's okay, son.

If Fiona won't do it, I'll get my other daughter to.

Debbie's too young.

My oldest daughter, Samantha.

What?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHUCKLING)

That's the last time I let you choose the tunes in the morning.

Yeah, you just keep acting like you hate British boy bands.

- I think it's adorable. - Everybody hates them.

I'm sorry I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Yeah, well, I usually don't go lower than 14.

And, you know, next time we can listen to your gangsta rap.

Since when is Kanye considered gangsta rap?

Since always. Where'd you learn music? Mars?

- Your mom. Last time I banged her. - Oh, yeah?

That makes a lot more sense. She has awful taste.

Hey, you know, you can leave some of that stuff here if you want.

- What stuff? - Make-up, underwear, shampoo.

Oh, wow, this is serious.

- Work outfit or two, just stuff. - I'll think about it.

- Or I could just stay at your place. - (SIGHS)

- We talked about this. - We have not.

No, we have not talked about this. You always say: "It's complicated."

- It's very complicated. - Well, try me.

Okay.

My father, who now lives with us again,

drank himself into liver failure,

and is trolling his children for a new liver.

Including an older daughter that none of us knew about.

- You have another sister? - I probably have 20.

Just when I think I've peeled the onion on Frank.

- Bam! Another layer. - Right.

The upside is, I'm getting real good at not giving a shit.

Well, sounds to me like maybe you do give a shit.

Get your hearing tested. Can I use your toothbrush?

- Gross. Yes. - Thank you.

Oh, hey, don't forget, dinner at my parents' place tonight.

- (PHONE RINGING) - (LIAM CRYING)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry. Hold on.

- SHEILA: Hi, Fiona. - Is that Liam screaming?

Well, yes.

Yes, I was just clipping his nails.

And I just nicked him a little bit. I'm out of practice.

- Is he okay? - Yes, he's fine. He's totally fine.

How's Debbie and Carl? I feel I haven't seen them forever.

Carl just left for school and Debbie is getting ready.

And she's been teaching me how to use my new iPad.

I found this genealogy app.

And it turns out I'm 132nd Menominee Indian.

Huh. Who knew?

Anyway, do you know about christianmingle.com?

Is that a dating site?

SHEILA: Well, yes, it is. And it turns out there's 11

Christian dating sites.

There's a lot of eligible bachelors in my neighborhood.

And they all seem mostly normal.

Well, I will be home right after work.

Thanks again for watching the kids overnight.

- I hate leaving them. - Oh...

It's no problem. It's been so fun.

Have a good day, okay?

Hey, sweetie. It's freezing outside.

I'll be indoors. Breakfast?

Well, there wasn't any eggs, or milk, or bread.

- I'm starving. - I'm sorry. Um...

Can you pick up something on the way to school,

like a an Egg McMuffin or something?

I gave Carl some money

so he could buy some groceries after school.

- (IPAD CHIMES) - Ooh.

- What was that? - That was a...

Oh, wow, I got poked. I got poked.

I got poked by the American-Indian that I poked yesterday.

- What do we do? - "We have a lot in common.

I am full-blooded Kickapoo Indian.

I love laughter, food, scenic views, and the Lord.

- Let's talk." - (GASPS) Now what?

Uh, ask him if he's DTF.

DTF. What does that even mean? Okay.

I got to ask him if he's DTF.

- Oh, God. - You okay, Dad?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm fit as a fiddle.

Except I ran out of Perky-Cs last night.

Is there anything I could do?

Get more.

Is that her?

So that's my daughter.

Wow, she's kind of beautiful.

- Looks like you in skank form. - Thank you, son.

- Does that make me an uncle? - Yes, indeed.

- Now what? - Well...

I give her a taste of the old Gallagher magic.

You... You got any cash?

Sheila gave me $40 for groceries.

Well, hand it over. I need weed.

Son, I can hardly walk. I think ambulation takes precedence.

What will we eat now?

Well, you're a bright kid. You'll figure out something.

All right. Here.

There's enough for bread and TP.

Shoo. Get hard drugs.

Make Daddy proud.

- You can't be serious. - I set my alarm for six a.m.

An excuse is the refuge of a moral coward.

I got three hours of sleep. I was up studying for Econ.

So did every other jerk on morning shift.

- It's work-study, not study-work. - I'm trying, asshole, alright?

- Cut me some slack. - (CHUCKLING)

Try harder. Walnut and raisin, dishes are empty.

Steam table is covered in syrup. Clean that up, make a new batch.

And lose the 'tude, dude.

V: This one looks like Kev.

This one looks like me.

And this one either looks like my cousin Troy or Marvin Gaye.

Yeah, I just came here for the painkillers.

Uh-uh. If you think I'm gonna load you up

on my hard-won, top-shelf pharmaceuticals pro bono,

you are one fry short of a happy meal.

No freebies, not for you, not for anyone.

- You're charging me for drugs now? - Honey, we are in survival mode.

- What happened to ghetto nurse? - She became a capitalist.

I could sell for you. Big market for Oxy in middle school.

No. Vamoose.

I got to get ready and go to the bar. Go.

Bye!

Wow, you're in bad shape.

Well, tell me something I don't know.

- Could I see your card? - Yes. It's legit, too.

Not like these whiners.

Are you looking for anything specific?

Yeah. Something to make me not feel like I'm being stabbed repeatedly

by a small army of knife-wielding Neo-Nazis.

Well, we have Irene Kush for chronic arthritis.

Sour Diesel for anxiety and panic attacks.

Big Buddha Cheese for muscle spasms.

What about for fatal liver damage?

We don't recommend bud for cirrhosis.

Studies show a higher rate of moderate to severe fibrosis,

- or tissue scarring, in regular... - Okay, fine.

Let's skip the FDA warning. Give me an ounce of the Buddha.

And a med-ibles menu.

And some samples. Free samples.

I... Um...

This'll get you, like, an eighth of low-grade schwag and two cookies.

Sold.

And he does this little wheeze thing when he's thinking.

Kind of like a little... Hm.

And he doesn't like sports, and I don't like sports.

And he used to play the trumpet in marching band,

but he dropped out when his valve button broke.

And he has this enormous collection of vintage T-shirts.

I feel like... I don't know. I don't know.

Like you love him?

Like I really like him. I don't know.

I feel my heart hurts when I think of him.

- So when do you plan on doing it? - Um... Soon?

- What are you even waiting for? - He hasn't asked yet.

If you're in like with him, then why not just do it?

Okay.

And if it hurts, don't squeal. Huge turn-off for guys.

Make sure you pee right afterwards, so you don't get an STD.

And when you cuddle afterwards, let him be the big spoon.

- But how do I start? - When he's not expecting it.

Bam, you drop trou and expos-ay some sex-ay.

Yeah, boys go cray over that stuff.

I don't own any sexy undies.

Homegirl, have you seen my underwear drawer?

Hey. Get that link I just sent?

- What is this? - It's the local Al-Anon chapter.

- What am I supposed to do with it? - Nothing.

But you could use it to find a local meeting if you wanted to.

See, it got us through some pretty rough moments.

- "Us?" - Yeah. My whole family.

- Your whole family went to meetings? - My whole family went to meetings.

Sure. It helps to talk to people in similar situations, you know?

- So talking solved your problems? - Didn't say that.

You deal with your family shit your way,

and I will deal with mine my way, which is not dealing with it at all.

Okay. Well, if that works so well, then why can't I stay at your place?

- Well played. - Don't make me out to be a nag.

I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just telling you what we did.

So take it or leave it.

I'll drop a couple of duffel bags

full of clothing and toiletries at your place tomorrow, okay?

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- This all you got? - Nope.

Got a tight roll of quarters behind my fly with your name on it.

- If you play your cards right. - That your kid?

Yep. Not afraid to knock a bitch up. You game?

Please stop talking.

Groceries have been gotten. Now all I need is drug money.

Any ideas?

- Could sell you. - Doggy.

Doggy.

RON: Whoa! Slow your roll, Hairnet.

Do you want some lunch, dude? Hot Pockets?

AMANDA: We only have two.

No, you know what? I'm good. I'm gonna be late for philosophy.

- You gonna shower? - What? Do I need one?

(SCOFFS) Yes.

No. I'm just gonna spray some Axe and hope everybody stays upwind.

Um, hey could I use your laptop tonight?

The computer at the library got hijacked

by a 24-hour Starcraft tournament.

You know, I really need to work on my paper for philosophy.

Sure, but why don't you just get one of those cheap-ass

little Acer Chromebooks?

- What the hell is Chromebook? - Low-end computer, no frills.

- Yeah? How much? - Refurbs are only about two hundy.

200. Sure, right after I buy that Mercedes GT I've had my eye on.

Good.

Hey!

Lavender. That's refreshing. All right, well...

- All right, see you. Bye. - RON: See you, dude.

But before we delve too deeply into...

...into Foucault and the problems of modernity,

let me remind you that hard-copies of your papers,

are due tomorrow in my mailbox at nine a.m.

Not 9:20, not 9:07.

PROFESSOR: Good.

Michel Foucault was a French historian and philosopher,

associated with the structuralist,

and post-structuralist movements.

He's had quite a strong influence on a wide range of humanistic,

and social scientific...

(MUTTERING)

Thank you.

...disciplines.

He joined the French Communist Party from 1950 to 1953.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. You see Mr. Pudgy over on the bench?

Yeah.

I'll give you a joint to smack him around a little bit.

Here. Grade-A, government-approved weed.

Wait for my nod. Hey, hey.

Don't get too rough with him. That's my grandson.

- Hey. Get away from that kid. - SAMANTHA: What the fuck?

What's the matter with you? Okay. Go.

Here you go, kid. Get up.

Oh, my God! Baby, are you okay?

- He hit me. What did I do? - Come on. Sit down right here.

God! Thank you so much.

I guess some kids are just assholes, huh?

Do you have a child who goes here?

No, no, no. I was just walking by.

I volunteer at the VA hospital down the street,

helping out wounded warriors.

Not everyone would've stopped. You could've been hurt.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm just allergic to injustice. Whoa...

- Whoa! Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, I skipped lunch today. I'm just a little bit dizzy.

We were just gonna head out for some fish and chips.

- Would you join us? - No. No, I couldn't.

Please. Let me buy you some cheese fries.

It's the least I can do.

Well...

Hey, family. Did you miss me last night?

Because I missed you.

- Is that your boyfriend? - Yeah.

What's his name?

Huh?

- Your boyfriend. What's his name? - Matty.

- Someone in your class? - Mm-hm.

I remember my first boyfriend, Louie Velba.

I caught him jamming his tongue down Kerri Strauss' throat in chemistry.

So I lit her hair on fire with a Bunsen burner.

Hi, guys.

- Still pissed? - Still hoarding your liver?

Yes. How was school today?

Did you perform surgery on anything small or dead?

(DOG WHIMPERING, BARKING)

Sweet doggie. Where'd you get him?

Well, I'm gonna keep trying, kiddo. So might as well get used to it.

Where's Sheila?

(SHEILA HUMMING)

- (KNOCKING) - (SCREAMING)

You frightened me. I'm sorry.

I thought you were going out to dinner tonight.

I am. What are you doing?

I was looking for a scarf, sweater or something provocative,

because Roger Runningtree wants a full-body shot.

- I'm sorry. I should've asked first. - No, no. That's okay.

Go on, take whatever you want. I'm sorry to duck out again.

It's just I promised Mike weeks ago that I'd...

Seriously. Seriously, it is so fine. We're having a wonderful time.

Yeah, I just try not to be gone two nights in a row.

Speaking of which, if you need me to stay another night,

how would you feel about me having a friend over?

- Roger Runningtree? - Well, I'm a woman with needs.

As long as he doesn't steal our food or piss on our sofa.

Fiona, he's a Christian.

- So was Jeffrey Dahmer. - Really?

I'll be back before bedtime. Call if you need anything.

Okay, okay. Have fun.

SAMANTHA: So we'd make these little videos on his phone, right?

Thought it was just for our own personal use or whatever.

Then one day,

I'm at the Stop 'N' Shop, digging around for my stamps,

this craggy fellow keeps looking at me like he knows me.

Never seen him before.

- Goes, "You're so familiar." - Oh, no.

Finally... (MIMICS THUNDER) ...lightning bolt.

YouPorn. My Skank, Slutty Wife Loves to Get Armpit Fucked.

- No. - Can you believe that shit?

I didn't even mind the "Skank, Slutty" part.

I was just pissed he said I liked taking it in the armpit.

- Who likes that? - No one.

I did it as a favor.

Anyway, he was out on his ass the next morning.

Filed for divorce that afternoon. Clerk was like, "Back again?"

- This is husband number three? - Yup.

Third time was not a charm. Right, Chuckie?

You seem pretty upbeat, considering.

Well, I guess I'd rather live and learn than...

Not live at all.

Yes! Exactly.

- You've had a rough time of it. - Yeah, I guess.

- Surprised I haven't scared you off. - I don't scare that easily.

You have barely touched your fries.

Are you sure I can't buy you another beer?

I don't really drink.

You might be the first man that's ever said that to me.

(STAMMERING) Whoa!

This is butterscotch.

We asked for chocolate. I can't eat butterscotch.

- You allergic? - No. I just hate it.

Me too. That and avocados.

(BOTH GROAN)

Avocados are the worst.

And squirrels.

- Tree rats! Hideous! - Hideous!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, baby. Go play some pinball, okay?

- Is he autistic? - No, he's just quiet.

Very deep, old soul.

So tell me about you.

Well, not really much to tell. I'm kind of a simple guy.

Have kids?

Uh...

Many. At least 50.

I stack them like coasters in a drawer.

(LAUGHING)

Why are you so funny?

I'm high as a kite?

- (LAUGHING) - Ah...

What a great laugh.

- Are you free tomorrow afternoon? - Should be. Why?

Chuckie's got a dodgeball game. I'd love some company in the stands.

I know it looks like Nancy did all the work.

But washing all this lettuce? Serious labor.

Your lady sure knows her way around a cucumber.

Whoa, Mom!

Maybe choose another vegetable next time.

- Okay. Jane, would you say grace? - Sure.

Boys?

Bless us, O Lord, and these gifts

which we're about to receive from thy bounty.

- In Christ's name, Amen. - ALL: Amen.

MIKE: All right. All right. Dig in.

- Look at all you bougie bastards. - ALL: Robbie!

- How you doing? - Oh, my God.

(GASPING, LAUGHING)

- You look great. - Thank you.

- You are late. - I got to keep up my reputation.

- Hey, Robbie, when did you get back? - This afternoon.

- WOMAN: I have no idea. - Hey, this is Fiona.

Fiona, I'd love you to meet my older brother, Robbie.

He's been off in the wilds of Minnesota.

Some buddies, you're camping for like a few months, right?

You can be honest, Mike. Got nothing to hide.

I was at a renewal retreat at my old rehab centre.

Three years sober this Monday. With a couple detours.

- Congrats. - Oh, yeah. Cheers.

- (GLASSES CLINKING) - Thank you.

- So how was it? - It's unreal out there.

The air, the stars. And we went snowmobiling.

Guys, I took a couple wicked spills and brought you back a souvenir.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

- You get better at that! - Not at the table.

- Well, you look great. - I feel great.

- That's really great, Robbie. - Yeah. That's excellent. Thank you.

So I was thinking about going up to the lake house this weekend.

Me and Pete need to lay down tracks and need some peace to do it.

- No one is up there, are they? - Robbie, we talked about this.

We don't want you up there without someone else from the family.

- Yeah, I thought that was the past. - No, it's just...

Well, might be too soon.

Well, what am I gonna steal, your old waders?

There's nothing up there to sell.

- Wait. There's that ten-year-old TV. - MIKE: Hey, man.

Give yourself a couple of weeks. Settle in, see how things go.

- Who asked you, Mike? - Hey, hey. Knock it off.

- Whoa, whoa... - Wow, it's not unreasonable.

I forgot how reasonable everyone around here is. My bad.

No one is out to hurt you sweetheart.

No one is out to help me either.

Dad footing the $20,000 rehab bill wasn't help enough.

- Fuck off, Mike! - Hey! Easy.

Everyone here has done nothing but try to help you, so...

I'm gonna pay him back. So don't you worry about it, ok?

Well, that's not the point, Robbie. And you know it.

Ah!

Okay. All right.

- Robbie, sit. - MOM: Oh, honey.

- Mom? Thank you for dinner. - Honey, I wish you'd stay.

Oscar and Nate, catch you punks later.

Nice meeting you, Fiona.

(SIGHS)

- Nice. - Are you serious?

I'm sorry. My brother. He's got some issues to work out.

Family chaos is my status quo.

- Pass the potatoes? - JANE: Oh, yeah. Here.

Careful, it's heavy.

Now we got to pay to take a leak?

There's always the alley

if you don't mind freezing your nuts off.

We're already dishing out more for booze.

Our piss should be free.

It's a quarter, consider it payback for the tips you don't leave.

How hard up is this place anyway?

Yeah, you're lucky I don't charge you people for toilet paper.

You use too much. All you need is three sheets.

One up, one down, one to polish.

What are you polishing?

Never mind. Watch the bar. I got to go puke.

Can you please aim for the drain this time?

- How doesn't she doesn't pay? - Employees puke for free.

I like fucking carrot-tops.

With the freckles and the pale skin and fucking alien-looking.

Well, you might be in luck.

- Why don't you buy her a beverage? - I don't need to.

- Hey, you want to bang? - Do I look busy?

Listen up! I got Oxy, Vicodin, Percocet!

Xanax, Adderall, morphine and Valium!

Five bucks a pill, less if you buy in bulk.

Seems kind of steep, don't it?

Not if I wanna buy myself a hospital-grade pump.

I need something with strong suction.

These puppies got to feed four.

Four? What, Carol can't feed her own?

You mean the one we asked her to abort?

I'll let you know when she starts speaking to me again.

MAN: All right, give me four Xanies and a Valium, glass of water, huh?

$26.

- Hey, five pills at $5 is $25. - Water's a buck.

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna come! Yeah!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHING, CHUCKLING)

Done. (LAUGHS) Woo!

You wanna finish?

- Switch positions. - What?

Just do it.

- Grab my hips. Pound my ass. - With what?

Your fucking hip bones. Jesus.

Yeah, huh? You like it like that?

Yeah? You like it like that? Huh? Huh? Yeah.

Evening, spawn.

- Where's the blender? - It's right... It's right here, Frank.

SHEILA: Oh...

Oh, God.

God, no. Don't do that, Frank.

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

SHEILA: No, no. No, don't do it.

Oh, Jesus.

And I keep getting pictures of men in their underpants with bulges.

I have no idea what DTF meant.

Holly says it a lot. I'm not sure what it stands for.

- (IPAD CHIMING) - (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, kid! How's higher learning?

Well, I'm not high, but I might be learning.

- FIONA: Sounds like progress. - DEBBIE: Hi, Lip.

Debbie says "hi". She's doing homework.

- Oh, yeah? What class? - Chemistry. Mr. Lister.

Holy shit. The guy with the oxygen tank?

- He's still alive? - Barely.

And Carl would say "hi", but he's getting his dog drunk.

- Wait, Carl has a dog? - Yeah, some stray he brought home.

Um, hey, listen, are you guys using the laptop?

I kind of need it for class.

Well, Debbie uses it for school, and Carl uses it for porn.

- Can you borrow one from over there? - Yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem.

Hey. You okay?

Uh...

I could be better. You know, it's...

I'm a little... It's...

- Different? - Different, yeah.

- Yeah, you too? - God, yes.

I put on pencil skirts every morning and I'm like, "Who are you?"

Sounds like progress.

Yeah, the Gallaghers moving up the food chain.

- Yeah, one rusty link at a time. - (DISTANT LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

- Ah, you're missing your party. - No, no, no. It's okay.

No, no. Go have fun. We miss you.

ALL: We miss you! We miss you!

- AMANDA: Come on. (LAUGHING) - RON: I'm sorry.

- AMANDA: You're... - RON: I'm sorry.

AMANDA: I'm falling off the bed right now.

(SPRINGS BOUNCING)

Hey, so I invited my brother out to dinner with us tonight.

I feel so bad about what happened last night, so...

Well, it seems like you guys have some stuff you need to work out.

Yeah, yeah.

He just pushes my buttons, you know? I got to find a way to react.

Right. Why not have your dad throw another 20 grand

at his problems and hope they go away?

Ouch!

Dude, my house isn't even worth that much.

Ok, well, what's the alternative? I just slam the door on him?

- Why not? - He's family.

You know, this one time, I was getting the crap kicked out of me.

Robbie sees it, storms over, he grabs both kids by the hair,

hurls them into a snow bank, knocks them senseless.

- Jesus. - I know.

Yeah, he was my protector for years. I don't mind being his for a while.

Hey, listen, I need to take off a little early today.

I was up all night working on my philosophy paper.

I didn't get to crack one book for my Lit exam.

BOSS: Denied.

Shit, um...

Look, I didn't get a scholarship so that I could shovel hash browns

into the mouths of entitled undergrads.

All right? No, no, no. Seriously, I need to study.

I feel for you. I really do.

I know how hard it is juggling classes and work.

I see kids struggling all the time, but they get there.

- Yeah, how? - Three words.

Time, management, skills.

It's about planning.

I used to be all over the place, just like you, Phil.

Lip!

And then I took a web-inar on increasing productivity,

and it changed my life.

Okay, see, I don't need a web-inar.

I need an extra 30 minutes to study for Lit.

I'm sorry, man. I can't help you.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- (CROWD CHEERING) - SAMANTHA: Woo!

You got this, baby! You got this!

(BOTH WINCING)

Bear down, baby. Bear down. This ref is a nightmare.

If he had another eye, he'd be a Cyclops.

(SAMANTHA LAUGHS)

I thought dodgeball didn't even have refs.

They need them. Multiple outs.

The big kids gang up on the weaker ones.

Yo, Ref, you're missing a great game out there.

Yeah, where's your seeing eye dog?

Breathe through the pain, Chuckie. Cry on the inside.

You're okay, baby.

Boy, that kid can take a beating. Tough as a $2 steak.

I don't know why, Frank, but...

I feel like I've known you my entire life.

Uh. Um...

My first husband was an addict.

So if you're into substance abuse, tell me right now

because I can't go through that again.

Completely legal, doctor-sanctioned pain management.

- You're in pain? - Not when I'm baked.

- What hurts? - I have this liver condition.

How bad?

Pretty much kicked. They say I need a new one.

- You mean a transplant? - Oh! Whoa, whoa!

SAMANTHA: Woo!

That's what the folks with the fancy degrees keep telling me.

Oh, Frank. I'm so sorry.

Woo!

(GASPS) Hi. Oh wow. More.

Do you mind taking them upstairs?

Because Roger Runningtree is coming here any second.

I think he's sensitive to animal urine.

And toddler.

Bring them. Put them on your beds and stuff.

- More dogs? - Nobody claimed the first one.

Maybe they were trying to get rid of them.

- Where are you going? - Holly is having a sleep-over party.

Really? Because Fiona didn't tell me about that.

- She must have forgot. - Oh, okay.

- Well, have so much fun. - (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Just a... Just a second.

(KNOCKING)

Just one second. Just a second.

Coming.

Hi. Hi. You must be Roger. Come in.

Sheila.

Wow. You're even foxier in person.

That's so sweet. They're... Gosh, they're beautiful.

Um... Would you...? Would you like to take your coat off,

and have a nice glass of chilled sparkling wine?

I left my guitar in the Honda.

I wasn't sure if you'd be interested in a little strum-down.

I can just run right back out and fetch it.

Yes. Yes, I would.

I would be very interested in a strum-down.

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

ROBBIE: Oh, Mikey, they have single malt flights.

- Glenkinchie, Lagavulin. - No, no, no. Not tonight.

Come on, get it so I can drink vicariously through you.

No, man. Seriously. I'm totally fine not drinking tonight.

- May I start you off with drinks? - Yeah, he'll take a Scotch flight.

God damn it.

And a bottle of... Fiona, you like red or white?

I'm not picky.

- Ok, let's do the 2008 Jordan. - Absolutely.

Well, I can't really drink a whole bottle by myself.

No, Mike will lend a hand.

Little bro-ski can't pass up a silky cab, can he?

So how did you guys start getting it on?

Well, he invited me camping, knowing I had a boyfriend.

- She makes me do crazy things. - FIONA: So I went.

And then, I got him drunk and almost fucked him in a tent.

- What? - MIKE: True story. She jumped me.

- Well, I'm not proud. - What? You did this to your boss.

- I can get a little wild. - (COUGHS) A little?

I've calmed down. Recently.

(MIKE CHUCKLES)

Somehow, I find that hard to believe.

Thank you.

- The salmon looks yummy. - Yeah?

SAMANTHA, FRANK: One, two, three.

- (SAMANTHA LAUGHING) - (FRANK GROANING)

FRANK: You did real good tonight, kiddo. I'm proud of you.

It takes a tough little bastard to take a beating and not puke his guts out.

- I did puke. - Actually, he did. Third period.

Well, there's no shame in that, my friends.

This is us.

Well, thank you for an excellent evening.

Would you like to come in for a nightcap?

Ah, what the heck? Thanks.

- (SAMANTHA CHUCKLES) You got it? - Got to get my wits about me.

Hi, no TV. School tomorrow. Bedtime.

- No! - SAMANTHA: Come on.

FRANK: Come on, bruiser.

- Where are your PJs? - I don't like PJs.

- Well, what do you wear to bed? - Nothing.

Maybe tonight you could wear that. In you go.

You need anything? Water, cocoa?

- Your breath smells like dog poo. - Night, Chuckles. (EXHALES)

Cranberry juice.

- Supposed to be good for the liver. - Thanks.

You are so good with him.

- He's a good one. - Yeah.

Frank, what's your blood type?

Um, O Positive. Why?

That's my blood type.

Really? What a coincidence.

I want to give you my liver.

What? No.

It's just a lobe, right? It's not the whole thing.

I'm not gonna like die without it or anything, you know.

But we barely know each other.

I know enough to know you have a beautiful heart.

That's just...

- Wow. - Hey, look, you get to live.

I'll still have plenty of liver left over, what's the downside?

Well, the surgery is no walk in the park.

Oh, I have been sliced into more times than a side of beef.

Here.

Appendectomy, C-section, hernia.

Spleen, accidental surgery.

Second surgery to fix that one.

- Look. I mean, look. - Alright, put it down.

And a gentleman, too? Frank, I think I'm smitten.

No, jeez!

- (SHRIEKS, LAUGHS) - (FRANK GRUNTING)

- Okay, listen, just a sec. - Shh...

You feel it, too. I know it. I know it.

Generally speaking, I don't like to move this fast.

- Me neither. - Okay.

I don't know what's got into me.

Stop. No. Okay. No, no. Okay. Ow... Ow.

I'm sorry. Pain.

- Are you okay? - Excuse me.

(MIKE SINGING LOUDLY)

What is he singing?

(FIONA LAUGHING)

ROBBIE: I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon.

You tell her what I'm doing. You know what I'm doing.

It's sort of his go-to song when he's feeling earnest.

Are you feeling earnest? You having an earnest moment?

(ROBBIE AND FIONA LAUGH)

- (LAUGHING) Wine and scotch. - MIKE: I'm hideous.

That's gonna be a hell of a hangover.

- Are you feeling guilty? - Nah.

It's great to see him cut loose. He works his ass off.

- Yeah, he does. And he's good at it. - Yeah.

It's corny but I'm proud of him.

He kicks up a fury all week at the family farm,

then settles down Friday afternoon to a delicious foamy beer

and some lame TV.

- And that's enough for him. - Should be enough for anybody.

Not me. Tried it once.

Worked for the cups one summer.

Showed up to that office every day

with my button-down and my shiny shoes.

Nearly lost my mind.

Why?

Well, life throws challenges at us to see what we're made of, right?

Yeah, apparently, I'm made of bourbon and blow.

Yeah, a necktie can't hold that in very long.

But you're clean now.

Sure. Until I'm not.

I'm the worst kind of addict. I'm addicted to the rush of life.

Which is primarily booze and drugs?

When it's good, man.

You're laughing a lot and you're screwing a lot.

The world like glimmers with promise.

And when it's bad, there is no getting out.

And you think that feeling alone would make you stop,

but it never does.

But knowing you're hurting people, isn't that worse?

It should be. But, no, it isn't.

We're all addicts, Fiona. Just trying to fill a void.

Some of us are just better at hiding it.

Right?

(MIKE GROANING)

- (FIONA CHUCKLES) - ROBBIE: Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh what? - ROBBIE: He's back.

(MIKE RESUMES SINGING)

You know, I really love making dinner.

Someday I'm gonna learn how to really do it.

Like, go to culinary school even.

What'd you want to drink with your scampi?

- DEBBIE: Whatever you're having. - Mountain Dew it is.

You know, Eraserhead might be my favorite movie of all time.

It's like this atmospheric, horrific dreamscape...

- Uh... - Does this make you "cray"?

Uh... Um...

Um, uh, Debbie?

- Am I doing it wrong? - No, no, no.

It's not... It's just... Look, we don't have to do this.

It's okay. I don't have to go home. I told them I'd be at a sleepover.

No, it's not... No, no, no. I'm... I'm...

It's me. I'm not...

It's a lot of things.

I'm just really stressed out at work right now.

And my mom called. She said that the family cat's sick.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, it's awkward timing, is all.

Oh.

Okay.

- But you look beautiful, though. - Thank you.

- Scampi looks delicious. - Thanks.

Here. Here, let's do this.

Better.

Uh, okay. You ready?

- Prepare your mind to be blown. - (CHUCKLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV)

♪ (ROGER SINGING SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG:

BLESS THE BEASTS AND CHILDREN) ♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh. Uh, Roger, this is Carl. He lives here.

- Pleased to meet you - Yo.

Do you know Sympathy for the Devil?

I tried to get your drugs, but V has her cabinet locked up.

And she's making me buy them now.

Kidnapped these dogs, holding them for ransom.

It's not working.

Don't sweat it. I may have found a liver.

- Really? Where? - Your older sister Sammi.

She's really something.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

All right. Okay. Here we go. Almost there, brother.

Almost there. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Open it up. There you go. - Okay.

- All right. - Okay, there you are.

- Oh, hey. You made it. - No.

- There you go. - Oh no.

MIKE: Oh, God.

- There's water. - Okay.

- Right by your right hand. - Okay.

- Right. Okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Never seen him like that. - He rarely drinks that much.

Last time was when Eve left him.

- His ex. - Wife. Yeah.

Haven't heard much about her.

Well, she nearly killed him. He thought it was his fault.

It wasn't.

- You think he passed out? - One would hope.

- And what about you? - What about me?

You the sticking-around type or the screwing-around type?

FIONA: Sorry.

We've only been going out a couple months.

Well, you can't blame me for being protective.

- He seems to really dig you. - Well, feeling is mutual.

And he's like a jazllion times more sane than my last one,

so, I'm happy.

- Are you? - Yeah.

Okay.

- What? - Nothing.

- Want some coffee? - Yes. Please.

I think this wine went to my head a little.

It's not shade-grown. Hope you can handle that.

I usually only drink "organic", you know, fair trade...

(PANTING)

(GASPING, GRUNTING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(EXHALES)

(MIKE GROANING)

Hi.

It's early.

- Jesus. Sorry about that. - What?

The hickey. I didn't mean to get rough with you last night.

Oh, that's okay, I barely felt it.

I'm gonna get home for a while and check on the kids.

- Will I see you at work later? - Uh, I'm not sure. I don't know.

I might call in sick. Here, you want me to drive you?

No. I don't think you'd pass a breathalyzer.

- Okay, well, take my car, okay? - No, I'll just take the L.

- I call you in an hour? - Mm-hm.

- See how you're doing? - Mm-hm.

Okay.

Thanks, baby. You're the best.

Morning. How'd it go last night? Did Sheila force Kerplunk on you?

I know, I know.

Two nights this week at Mike's. I'm sorry.

- I won't be going there for a while. - Didn't even know you were gone.

- What's wrong with your neck? - Weird rash.

(SCOFFS) It's mouth-shaped.

- Get our papers back today. - That quick?

- You just turned it in yesterday. - Yeah, that guy is a machine.

Who knows if he even reads them? I'm just glad I finished it.

- Well, congrats, man. - And, hey, thanks.

(CELL PHONES BEEP)

You know, I really appreciate you letting me use your computer.

You saved my ass.

Christ, another flash mob.

(CELL PHONES BEEP)

PROFESSOR: You all did terrific on these.

Please use them to study for your midterm on Tuesday.

Thank you.

(DIAL TONE)

- MAN: Morning, sunshine. - Hey.

I'm about to head to the office. What should I tell people?

ROBBIE: That you fucked my brother last night on the counter

while I laid in a puddle of vomit.

- Why do you have Mike's phone? - It was on the counter.

I saw you calling. Felt compelled to say howdy.

- No. No. Why are you there? - Relax.

I just came over to get the snow-blower keys for Pop.

- Is he there? - Who, Pop?

Mike!

Sleeping like a baby.

Looks like you're flying solo for lunch today.

I'm not telling him, ever, okay?

We're taking this to our graves. This did not happen.

Oh yes, it did. And it's gonna happen again.

Very soon.

Addict.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

You assholes actually cost me money.

(DOG BARKS)

Be free. Run wild. Go.

(English US SDH)