Original subtitles

"I'm warning you, I'm going to get angry Do you see?

"We are going to have fun on this island, understand?

"We are going to have fun on this island

"'Come now, ' said the Lord of the Flies

"Get back to the others and we'll forget the whole thing

"This has gone quite far enough, my poor, misguided child

"Do you think you know better than I do?"

Okay, so we have civilization versus savagery,

and reason versus impulse

So many exciting themes in one little book, right?

Over the break, I want you to read the next three chapters

That's three chapters, and I want you to write two pages...

on either one of our themes, your choice

Demerius

Care to read us out to the bell?

No, no, no, not that one The one that you have on your lap there

What is it?

Uh... Demon Sword Z

Okay, let's hear it Oh, come on Let's finish class strong

"Now I have the power of the five souls

"Let us see what the Gauntlet of Destiny...

"has to say about that, demon lover

"Then, the squid leg splits Okami-san in half

"Blood sprays everywhere"

This is 26% stronger than anything else on the market

It lasts up to four hours

Not only are the lips fuller...

they're the most fantastic color

Slight tingle at first, but it's so worth it

- Better than collagen - Where is this from?

The Orient... a lot of the formulas are secret

- I own the North American rights - Oh, that's lovely

And this would be an exclusive for Harold's

That's really starting to work

What kind of comic is this?

It's not a comic, it's manga

"Put your demon powers in me, squid

"I want to feel your might deep within"

Damn, its tentacles are like its dicks

- Zack, your right - "Hold back nothing, my pet

- After I summon the demon, all you..." - Mr Moss Hello

We found some surprising thematic similarities...

between Lord of the Flies...

Okay, all right You owe me two pages

Have a really good break

- Where is this from? - Asia

D-P-R-K... isn't that North Korea?

You're trying to sell Harold's a North Korean product?

Maybe

The North Korea against which the United States has an embargo?

Now, that embargo is kind of like Cuba, you know?

It's sort of symbolic

20 years, Kate Seen it all

Right

Well, maybe not sex with an octopus That was a first

- That was mine, too - Please

I wanted your help to strategize a big picture issue...

because I see something we both share

A deep love for this school

Go Falcons

I wanna do a little right-brained thinking...

about a left-brain problem

Are we talking about the ARB test scores?

I'm talking about empowerment

I'm saying let's be the change

Let's not squander our energy on acrimony and recriminations

Um... are you firing me?

- What? - I'm sorry

I'm trying to ground floor the discussions...

so we don't waste our school's resources on arbitration...

and severance packages

Those things threaten the school that we love

Yeah, of course Absolutely

Sometimes a school can avoid all that heartache...

if a teacher simply vacates his or her post

- You want me to quit? - No

That's a personal decision What I want doesn't matter

But I will say this...

I see you flourishing in as slightly less urban teaching environment...

or perhaps in an altogether different...

Can I admit something?

You always have great hair

Perhaps you'd be happy cutting hair

Look, I took this meeting...

because Lucas spoke highly of you

He better have

But I don't think this is a good fit for Harold's

- Best of luck - Seriously? That's it?

Just because of where a product's made?

A bit racist, don't you think?

Okay, we're done

No, you're done

Because I'll take my business elsewhere

- Where's the bathroom? - Uh, there

Oh my god Oh...

What the fuck? That's my fucking car! Fuck!

- There she is! - Hey...

- how'd it go? - Come dance with me!

- What's going on? - Shake that bony ass of yours!

- What is happening? Did you sell it? - Party bump!

Meg, did you sell it?

Can we finally get rid of all these boxes?

Remember all those little North Korea stickers...

we peeled off the bottles?

Yeah, of course There were, like, 10,000 of them

Well, it turns out there's 10,001

- Oh, no - Oh, yes

I am totally and thoroughly fucked

On the other hand my car got towed

- How was your day? - Meg, it's...

I can't

I don't even wanna talk about it

Wow, how much did you spend?

Oh, I'm gonna bring it back But I'm gonna keep some socks

- How was school? - Great

- Moss asked me to quit - What?

He thinks that I'd be happier cutting hair

Did you point out that he's bald as fuck?

No, I didn't tell him he was bald as fuck

Are you getting fired?

Excuse me I gotta get going

Okay

- Can I get my clothes? - Oh, right

Sorry I can't seem to...

- Shirt, pants... - Hi

- pink underwear... - Hi

Nope, that's mine

Thanks for the lift

You're gonna give me a good review, right?

Five stars

You buy socks and I suck...

Okay, okay, I got it, I got it

- Hey, ladies - Hey!

What?

- She's back?! - Oh my god!

- Holy shit - How's it going?

That haircut took balls, you have to hand it to her there

Are we still drinking?

Hells to the yeah, mothafucka

Sweet

I'm 28-years-old, I've had a lot of success, and I'm ready

Meg, you're missing the abs

With whom I spend the rest of my life

Why do these girls play hard to get?

If it was up to me I'd have his pants around his ankles...

by the first commercial

Well, it's a game They're playing strategy

Actually satisfy me on a day-to-day basis

I actually think I'd be pretty good on this show

- What's that supposed to mean? - You're hardly competitive, dear

You don't have an aggressive bone in your body

Against these girls, you'd have to put on your big-girl pants...

or they'd have you for lunch

I think I'd describe myself as definitely thinking outside...

Whatever

I march to the beat of my own drum

A really nice day for me is wak...

I actually like the whole construction worker thing

You know, the whole, like, works with his hands,

salt-of-the-earth motif

The only thing salty about him is his balls

- Lovely, Meg - Doesn't that just roll off your tongue-

You can have him, if I can have the fireman from last season

- Oh, that fireman - He was a panty-dropper

Yes Yes, yes, yes

And for the record, just because I don't sleep around...

doesn't mean I couldn't compete against a group of women...

Did you just take a shot at me? Was that a drive-by?

You drive-by-ed me "Big-girl pants"?

That was a slick move She's definitely getting a rose

I know it's crazy to give out roses before the first rose ceremony...

- but I don't care - Oh my god...

You know, it's been a long day I think I'm gonna go to bed

I just opened a new bottle

- Come on, let's finish it - No, I'm going to bed

No morning re-cap I'm watching the rest

These girls mean nothing to me

This is a nightmare

Kate?

- Kate, wake up - What, is there a fire?

- No, there's no fire - What's wrong? What's going on?

We're screwed up Our lives, things aren't going well

Is it really 4:15?

Remember in the ninth grade when you got stung by that jellyfish and...

- I peed on you and you got really mad? - Did you take one of my pills?

You were really mad until it stopped hurting...

- right? - Yeah

When you're faced with a life-threatening problem...

which we are, you step away from the problem...

and in a calm, adult way, you self-medicate...

until the solution presents itself

Okay

Preferably on a beach with a margarita

- Okay, let's talk about it - Yes! That's my girl

- Can we plan this in the morning? - No, we gotta go

- What? Where? - Fort Lauderdale

- I used your Sky Miles - Today?

Now! Our flight's in three hours

Meg, absolutely not, that's crazy

I'm not going on vacation right now You're completely insane

We are going to miss this flight! This is completely insane!

Why even ask me, if you're gonna just make us miss the goddamn flight?

- Sir, we can get out here - Stop Stop Stop!

- Don't yell at the poor guy - Thank you, sir

You pay the driver, I'll get the bags

Oh my god Look at this line!

We are going to miss this flight!

I cannot believe this

I kept telling you that we had to leave

This happens every single time Look at this line!

There's no way we are making this flight These are non-refundable tickets

I told you you can take a bath...

or you can poach an egg and not both

Meg Meg What're you doing?

- Hold on - Get in line!

Excuse me

My friend and I are about to miss our flight

Is there any way we can come in this line?

Are you first class or an Elite Club member?

We're first-class ladies

Actually, I think I am an Elite Club member...

if it didn't expire

Hold on, let me check

No, it's not...

Shoot I guess not

Sorry about that

Thanks for your help And thanks for keeping us safe

I just do check-in

- Why do you always do that? - Do what?

It's embarrassing

Told you

You can't just cut in front of all these...

Sorry

Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry

Oh my god, you are the sweetest thing

Don't worry about it

You hungry?

You could have checked your bag

I was trying to save some money

- You okay? - Yeah

You got your headphones, pills, neck pillow...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

It's gonna be fine It's gonna be epic

- Yeah - Deep breath

Ma'am, no liquids above 34 ounces

You can dispose of it in that trash can right there

You want me to get rid of it? Sure thing

- It's easier when it's a beer - Have a good flight

Deep breath, girl

We're going to Florida It's gonna be so much fun

Think of the beach, think of the sunshine

Here's your neck pillow

Six hours in the air Up and down

- Please don't say "down" - We're still on the ground

Yeah, I know, but we're high enough already

Middle seats are for suckers, right?

You know what? I actually think it'd be better if we switched

I would, but I need extra legroom

It's sort of a Gandalf-Bilbo situation

- And I'm the hobbit? - Oh my...

I'm just saying, I'm taller Here, take a pill

- I already took a pill - Take another

Okay I'll get you a water

- No, I don't need any water... - Excuse me...

can she get a water so she can take her anti-anxiety pill?

Certainly

Can we please keep this to ourselves?

I was just trying to help It's not like I gave him your social

Just quit with the flirty routine, it's getting really old

I wasn't Geez Take a deep breath, girl

I'm surprised you didn't show him your bra

I think he might try and wear it, am I right?

Oh my god

- Oh my god! - Soda's coming up

Oh, Jesus Christ, Meg

I feel like I am in your intestines

- Take it - Stop it!

- Oh my god! - I got one more comin', too

Excuse me I think I'm in the middle there

Thank you

Hi

- Here's your water - Thank you

Dear lord

- I'm Meg, by the way - Ryan

So what is it, Ryan? Business or pleasure?

It's a wedding, actually

Ah, which can sometimes feel like work, right?

I feel like last year, I was at somebody's wedding...

- every other weekend - Yeah, they come in waves, don't they?

Yeah

How about you? What brings you out?

- I have... - A girl's trip

I kinda hate that expression, but it's true

We are on a trip and we are girls

- Okay, so you two are together? - Yeah, we're best friends

We're just sitting in these seats because, you know...

middle seats are for suckers

Ah, my, uh, reputation precedes me

I love weddings As long as they're other people's

- Yeah, that's the truth, right? - Single ladies in the house

- I'm Kate, by the way - Hey, Ryan It's good to meet you

- You too - I'm still Meg Look at us!

Meg Ryan We're America's sweetheart

Do you remember that deli scene?

Yeah, yeah, the, uh, "I'll have what she's having"

I think that my roommate is trying to do a scene...

from When Harry Met Slarry

When Harry Met Smarly

- When... Smarly Met... - You okay?

- Is she having a stroke? - She's fine

- She's just terrified of flying - Smarly... met Marley

She took some pharmaceuticals - Marley...

- Stay there - I'm jealous

It's gonna be all right

Well, I'll stop bothering you guys

Oh, you're not bothering...

Hello, folks This is your captain speaking

Hurricane Cindy has headed toward the Carolinas...

but it looks like she's taken a bit of a turn...

and now they're re-directing us to land in St Louis

We'll keep you updated as we receive additional information

- Oh, man - Since when is there a hurricane?

It's... been in the news, like all week

I'm not much of a news junkie I'm more of a bookworm

This is just a hate-read

Excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna need you to...

Oh, god Really?

Did you need something?

Put your seat up, and your friend, too, please

Kate? Kate Wake up for the male steward

It's "flight attendant" I'm moving her forward

We're landing soon

Holy shit

Is she... is she okay?

Let me just...

We're good We're good

Welcome to The Sheraton

This is the pits Fuck you, Cindy

- Who's Cindy? - The hurricane

I dunno, it looks like kinda good weather for a hurricane

The hurricane's in Florida, we're in St Louis

Jesus, you took way too many pills

Welcome to the St Louis Sheraton, I am Anuj

- How are we today? - Not good, Anuj

- The airline says they lost my bag - They did? Did they lose mine?

No, they didn't You didn't check a bag

Oh, right, I didn't check a bag

My apologies, we're tight on space because of the annual jewelry convention

Jewelers have conventions?

However, I can put you both in a lovely junior suite

Now, while you're here, please enjoy our four-star restaurant...

pool, spa, and complimentary shuttle service...

to the majestic St Louis Arch and finally, Tut's Tomb...

the number one nightclub in St Louis two years running

For that, take the elevator down to P1

That's super, but we're only here for one night

Excellent Well, if you enjoy your stay, I do hope you'll consider Yelping us

Oh god This is what we get for being spontaneous

Oh my god, what is that color?

It's not a lipstick, it's my Lip Lacerater

Oh, it's fantastic

Thanks

Oh, hey, it's my seat mates

- Good to see you among the living - Yeah, thank you

Okay, I need to go down one more I think

I'm gonna work off some travel frustration at the gym

- Oh, god, your friend's wedding - Yeah, yeah It's not for a few days

I was, uh, going down early for the bachelor party...

but those guys'll be fine

No natural disaster's gonna stop my buds from getting embarrassingly drunk

Hey, um, you guys wanna get a drink later on tonight?

Might as well make the best of this, right?

- Yeah Yeah, sure, yeah - Sure Yeah

- I like... I like to drink - She does

Not a lot, not to excess, but...

Alcohol

Cool How about 8:00?

- Yeah, yeah, it's a date - Well, not a date, but a plan

Yeah

- Have a good workout - Stretch, don't forget!

- Now don't... do gym - Don't hurt yourself

- Oh, not bad - And it smells nice, too

- Not bad at all - Yeah

And look at us, having drinks with a hot guy

Hey, he's having drinks with us

Right

And who knows? Maybe one of us will hook up, if he's lucky

He might go for you

Or you You're gorgeous, especially when you're loaded

I am not, I look like Mickey Rourke

Enough with Mickey Rourke Why do you always say that?

- It's how I feel - Stop it

You're beautiful

This is called "Man Getting Out of Cold Lake"

Thank god I packed my Spanx

Oh my god, my bag Can I borrow a dress?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I only packed one

Can I wear it?

No

- Well, what if you... - No

Anuj Is there a mall around here?

Can you hold on one second, please?

- What's that? - The closest mall?

That would be the Westgate Pavilion near the arch

- How far is the arch? - 30 minutes without traffic

- Damn it I need a dress - We can call a taxi for you

- June, will you please call... - No, I need one now, tonight

- What would you like me to do? - Fine

Sir, are you still there? Yeah, Okay, so those last three digits...

How do I leave a review on Yelp?

Can you hold on just one more second, please?

Hey Wow

Right?

Where's your other half?

I don't know Might just be me

Well, you uh, you look very nice

Thank you I didn't pack too much 'cause it's really just a girl's trip...

but I thought, you know, I'd try something with what I have...

Holy shit

- You look amazing - You like it?

- I wasn't sure I could pull it off - No, no You look great

Meg's an expert at pulling off a dress

Okay, uh, let me go see if I can snag us a booth

- Where did you get that? - The Indian dude at the front desk

His mom loaned it to me Crazy, right?

That is so crazy

Hey there, you ladies here for Jewel Con?

No, uh, we're just... we're meeting some friends

Yes, yes, you are... us Namaste

I'm Craig, precious gems are my specialty

Chuck here is in, uh, high-end watch repair

Shahar does imports

"Shahar" is Hebrew for "sunrise"...

which you will experience tomorrow morning in my bed

- That was smooth Very smooth - She didn't refuse, that's good

- Yeah, well... - I have cocaine

Whoa, Chuck, put it away

He's very excited he has cocaine He's been showing it to everybody

I smuggled it on the plane in my underpants

Enough about us, and you guys are...?

Undercover federal agents investigating a counterfeit diamond ring

So you can either step aside and let us do our job...

or I'll give Kate here the green light to shove her taser in your ass...

- and light you up - Okay, sorry, officers

Let's go

Hey I glommed on to some fellow travelers

This is Roger and Nancy, Kate and Meg

Oh my god, you look like a fucking princess

Thanks, it's a sari

Honey, you got nothing to be sorry about

Roger and Nancy are celebrating their anniversary

Ten years and I think I'll keep her

- That's sweet - Shit

Category four?

- So much for losing steam - No one's getting out of here tomorrow

I'm not gonna make the rehearsal dinner

Oh, come on, don't think like that

Yeah, hurricanes are notoriously unpredictable

That's why they name them after women, right?

It was a slam-dunk case, see this guy didn't have a prayer...

but he did have this gorgeous defense attorney

Gorgeous and gifted defense attorney

- All charges were dropped - Well, not entirely...

I did manage to negotiate into the plea bargain...

that Nancy go on a date with me

First time in my career, I got two men off in one day

More than once, as I recall

- I could have you dis-barred, you know? - Yeah? I could have you mounted

- I'll mount you - Did you bring the cuffs?

- I'll blindfold you first - Oh, interrogation

Or Q & A?

I think we lost them

What about you guys? What do you do?

I'm a CEO

- Wow - I sell a line of skin care products

You know Michelle Obama?

Is she a client?

Well, obviously I can't talk about it... but how about her skin?

Damn Damn What about you, Kate?

I'm a teacher... I teach high school

Oh, nice

Special needs high school

Wow Is that hard?

You know what's hard is not being with them right now

A lot of people think that I teach them... but...

but really, you know, they teach me

Yeah

The blind teach me how to listen better...

and the mute teach me...

you know, not to talk so much, so I'm gonna stop

Man, I can't compete with you two

I'm just a firefighter

All right, what's up, everybody? Come on

Eh-yo, this is DJ Spooj, rhymes with Anuj...

'cause we both gonna be on your face by the end of the night

All the junkies in the house say "ho" - Ho!

All the wacky knickers in the house say "eh-yo"

Eh-yo!

All right, let's get to it Have a good night, everybody

- You guys wanna dance? - Who me?

If you're having a good time You guys know what to do

Yelp us

Oh shit, let's get a muh-fuckin dance circle up in here!

Show DJ Spooj what you got!

Meg! Hey! Your boob is hanging out!

Got it

How long was it out?

20 seconds

That's the length of a fucking Geico commercial

You know, I'm impressed anyone could have upstaged that flight attendant

Well, this is you, guys

I had a... I had a really good time tonight

Yeah, me too... despite, you know...

- Night - Night

Hey

- Yeah? - What's up?

You know, since we're gonna be stuck here tomorrow...

it may be nice to see the city

Maybe get a little crazy, buy a St Louis magnet for the fridge?

- Yeah, I actually need a magnet - I have a fridge

Great Let's just connect in the morning then

- Okay Goodnight - Goodnight

Hey, you know what? I, uh, I'm actually gonna ride up with you

The, uh, the ice machine on our floor is broken, so...

- Oh - What do you need ice for?

- Ice water - Wait, you can't go

- I need you to open our door - We... we both have keys

I left mine in the room

- I think that's the bell... - Well here, whatever...

you can just take mine

You know what? I'll just go with you

Don't be silly, you don't need two people to get ice

I just thought it would be easier for you

Elevator's closing, good luck with the ice, guys

- Oh, goodnight! - Goodnight!

Ice? Really?

- At least I didn't pull my boob out - Do you think I did that on purpose?

- I know that you did You have great tits - That's insane!

Listen, I know you wanna do your thing...

- Not the great tits part - But I actually like him

Well, I love him

- You love him? - Yes, I love him

- You don't even know his last name - So?

Do Romeo and Juliet know each other's last name?

Yes! Montague and Capulet

Oh, I'm an English teacher

I want him

Not this time

You want me to choose?

Whichever, we're totally cool with it

Yeah, totally I'm cool, too

Well, I mean, they say the St Louis art museum's pretty great...

but what a day to hit the botanical gardens, right?

Or door number three

Boom! A hot air balloon ride!

- Now that is rad - A balloon?

He said he wanted to see the city This way he can see all of it

Aw, man, this seems way more fun than paintings and plants

Yeah well, you know, it's not just paintings, it's...

it's furniture and sculptures...

Oh, I forgot your fear of heights

Oh... oh, we don't have to do the balloon ride

Oh, no, I know How about you hit the museum...

Ryan and I will go in the balloon...

and then we can all meet up for dinner later

- Yeah, if you're scared of flying - No, I'm not scared I'm not scared

It's just airplanes, so I'll go I'm going

- You sure? - Yeah, absolutely It'll be an adventure

All right then... go ballooning

The ride should last about an hour

My brother will follow us in the chase car

Make sure all personal belongings are secure

Also, for the lovers, we have cold champagne for purchase

Okay, any questions?

Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you see?

Uh, don't worry, ma'am I, uh, see just fine

Just messing with you All right then

Let's touch the sky!

Here we go!

Yeah!

Wow Beautiful, isn't it?

St Louis doesn't look so bad from up here

It's pretty spectacular, right?

Yeah, it's really great

You okay? You're sweating

Yeah, no, I'm good I'm just... I'm really hot

It'll be nice and cool when we hit about 2,000 feet

- How high are we right now? - 500

You, uh, you sure you're okay?

Yes, yes, yes

No, no, no, no, no! You get me down right now!

Get me down right now!

Ma'am, ma'am, we gotta go up to catch the current

Fuck the fucking current!

- I think she's having a panic attack - Oh, great

She's fine

Breathe Breathe

Find your breath Look at me Find your breath

I'm sorry I didn't want to disappoint you

Now let's take my hands, stare into my eyes

They're... so beautiful

Like... like a... robin's egg

Let's sing a song, you and me, okay?

Is that Pink?

I don't know, it was the first song that came to my head

- I kinda like her - I like her, too

- Ready? - Yeah

- Oh, jeez - Gosh, this is fun

This is so fucking fun

- Jeez - How much for the champagne?

$100 with tax I take credit cards

Are you insane? That's a $20 bottle of brut

You're welcome to shop around

I'll take the fucking champagne

Look who has bubbly

Let's drink some champagne and really take in this view

You know, I'm not sure alcohol is a good idea for her right now

I wasn't talking about her She's fine

This happens all the time

Oh, you should go and have fun

Hey, I am having fun

Me, too So much fun

- Oh, shit! Shit! - My eye!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

- Did you hit him in his good eye? - She hit me in my only eye!

What?!

Here, let me take a look, let me take a look

- Is it bad? I can't see - Yeah, you got a small cut

- Oh god, he's crying blood! - Your pupil is red

- I don't think it's too serious - Shit! Shit!

- There's a little bit of blood - Oh my god we're gonna die!

Everybody calm down! No one's going to die!

We're just gonna have to land a little early, okay?

- Okay - Okay

Now, I just gotta ask: has anybody ever piloted...

a hot air balloon before?

What?

- What the fuck are you talking about? - Calm down! It's gonna be all right!

- Are you okay? - No!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Can somebody call for an ambulance?

Please! Please be quiet!

Shut the fuck up!

Please! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Que pasa?

Hey, how was the balloon ride? Nice view of the arch, right?

It was great

I have some good news from the airlines

The flight's back on?

No, they found your bag I'm so sorry, I should have led with that

Yes! Thank you, Anuj

Well, shall we celebrate being alive?

Honestly, I think I'm just gonna relax

I'm gonna go upstairs, call Florida, maybe hit the pool

- Oh, I'll join you! I love the pool - I'll come with you

Now that I have a suitcase, I don't have to go naked

Maybe I'll just go naked

Oh my god, I hate myself

I think I'm ready

Oh, cute suit

I'll see you by the pool

Lacerater

Can I get two Mai Tai's over here?

Hey!

This is amazing

You've got to try it

It looks very inviting

I was actually wondering if you're not doing anything later-

First, I wasn't talking to you, and second, it's not gonna happen, okay?

Um, this is closed

And it's not what you think, that you're not hot enough...

because you're totally hot enough

I've dated way lower

This seat is taken

Guys, leave the seat next to Meg open

Come on, scoot

There you go

- Seriously? What are you doing? - Yeah, I don't know

Hey!

Hey, Ryan! Look, I snagged us a chair

Oh my god Oh, Jesus mother fu...

Oh... oh my god Oh my god, oh...

I think I might just lay out for a bit

- Wow, you look great - Oh, thanks

Stop

See, this is a definition of "cock block"

I'm really sorry about today

Thank you so much I'm really... I'm embarrassed

Embarrassed? I'm the one that sang Pink

I have the feeling that that's not the first time...

that you've sang that out loud

No comment

Wanna take a dip?

Um, actually I think we're just gonna hang out here...

- Yeah, I wouldn't mind swimming - Yeah, me, too I'd love to do that

I'll come, too

- You don't see that much - What?

A hotel pool you can actually dive in

We love diving!

- We used to go every summer at your... - At my dad's houseboat!

You were so nervous to jump in at first, remember?

You told me there were piranhas in the lake...

and it freaked me out... that was so mean of you

You're just mad 'cause I always beat you at diving

That's 'cause your dad was the judge I would have won with an impartial jury

- I was so much better than you - That's funny

Well, you got one now

Okay, let's start with the basics Jack knife

You call that a jack knife? That was more like a belly flop

And deduct points for splash, that's the Olympic rules

Got it

Now, a jack knife... the right way

Whoa

Oh, shit

Impartial judge gives you a five... both of you

Time to step it up, back flip

Go on, do it

Okay!

Nice!

That was your best back flip?

What're you doing?

Forward one-and-a-half tuck

What? What is that?

Are you crazy? That is so dangerous

- Still scared, I guess - No, I'm not scared It's gonna kick out

Okay, fine, go ahead, go ahead, do what you want

Front one-and-a-half tuck

Oh my god

That hurts

Meg? Meg, are you all right?

Why are you just sitting down there? Are you okay?

Meg? Are you coming up?

Meg, are you alive? Meg!

Hi

Hey

Are we drinking?

She'll have a Screwdriver

Not so much ice Just three cubes

Are you okay?

Yeah

Actually, no I think I turned my eyelid inside out

Oh, there's my girls

Can I have two Tequila Sunrises?

Did you hear the weather report?

They said that the hurricane has passed through...

so you two might get a little beach time after all

Great

Ah, great

Yeah, a few days of a time share isn't as good as a week...

but you know, I'll take what I can get

I'm not gonna see Roger again for a month

- Is he traveling? - Back to the wife and kids

- Thank you - I-I'm sorry, back to where?

Roger's married, just not to me

You were celebrating your anniversary

Of a love affair

Fuck you, don't judge me

'Cause I don't like that 'Cause let me tell you something

I am a lady who demands perfection, okay?

Is it fair to his wife? No Is it fair to his kids?

No

I don't care

Because I would do anything for Roger

I would die for that man

- Wow - It's true I'd kill for him

I'd kill his family, I'd kill his wife

Anybody got in my way, I'd kill 'em Right there Kill 'em

I'd kill you, I'd kill you, I'd kill everyone

And I know how to do it, too, 'cause my brother's a Navy Seal

- I'm just kidding! - Oh...

It was a joke But seriously, you know?

Sometimes you just gotta take what you want, whatever the cost

Because at the end of the day, nobody gives a shit...

whether you're happy or not, you know what I'm sayin'?

You can put their drinks on my tab

Thanks for everything, guys

- Ryan! - Ryan!

- No, no, no! - Wait! Wait up!

- Oh, hey! - There he is

- Hey - Oh, hey

I, uh, was actually looking for you two

Oh, well, look and you shall find

Yeah, I wanted to see you guys before I left

There's my road buddy Hey

- Ladies - Hi

- How's your eye, Meg? - It's fine

- It looks a little... - You're leaving now?

Yeah, didn't you see the weather report?

Our flight's gonna be back on any moment

I'm out of time I just, you know, can't take the chance

If we drive through the night, I can get you to Fort by morning

What fort?

Oh, local speak, Fort Lauderdale

You're going on a road trip with a complete stranger?

He could be a serial killer for all you know

I'm not a serial killer

That's exactly what a serial killer would say

You're something, you know that? Let's hit the road

- Yeah, yeah, yeah - Serial killer That's great

Awesome meeting you both

- Bye - Bye

All right

Yeah, okay

- Bye - Wait!

- Got room for one more? - Oh, shit

I'll just be one minute

Hey, you know what? Make that... make that two!

I'll be right back, okay?

I can't help it I love fucked up women

I gotta say, I did not see this coming

A little company, a little conversation

Usually I'd just be blasting my tunes

Uh, by the way, are you guys on Google Plus?

- No - No, I'm on Tinder

Well, get on it We should all be in each other's circles

- How long is the drive? - Oh, it'll be no time at all

I know all the back ways Uh, 17 hours?

I've got a million songs on this thing, so we're all covered on music

Right now we're listening to the "south on I-24 mix"

Please wait four songs before complaining

This is gonna be fun Seven hours, no sweat

Seventeen

Oh

I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I'm bringing an apple...

a banana, an egg, a frog, a um...

griffon, a haberdasher,

an icicle, a jackalope, and a knight

Ha! It was "k", and you're an English teacher!

No, it is "k", it's "k", like a knight in shining armor

I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I'm bringing an apple...

a banana, a Chihuahua, a dolphin, an egg, a frog...

a griffon, a haberdasher, an icicle, a jackalope...

a knight, and a labradoodle

- Meg, it's your turn! - Nice work!

Okay, I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I hate this fucking game

- Gin - Son of a bitch

- You know what? I wanna sit in the back - I'd hate me, too

- Whoa, whoa, whoa No, no switching! - It's my turn!

- No, no, hey, hey, no switching! - What're you doing?

- Get back in the front - Just get right there

Go, so I can sit here!

- What're you doing? - It's my turn!

- Hey - Thank you

They always put too much ice in this

Ah, what're you doing?

Come on

Oh my god Oh my god, did you seriously do that?

That is disgusting

- Oh my god Open the window! - Come on, dude!

For God's sakes! That is disgusting!

- It smells nice - It's lavender

It's great for dry skin Not that you have any

Feels good

Minerals, essential vitamins, and extracts

Also a shit ton of honey

It's like sticking your hand in a beehive

Careful, don't get stung

Oh my god

- What? - It's from Meg's mom

I texted her to wish her a happy birthday and...

It's not her birthday

She sent me this photo of when we were in high school

What photo?

Oh my god When is this from?

- It's, uh, prom - What is that on your head?

- It's um... It's a helmet - It's nothing, it's just a hat

- It's a protective helmet... for her skull - Uh, may I see?

Oh, yeah, my nephew had one of those...

when he was three and a half months old, 'cause his head was shaped like...

a zucchini and they were trying to reshape it

- Was your head shaped like a zucchini? - No, I just had migraines

She had this really rare condition It was, um, what was it?

- It was complex... - Complex chiari malformation

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it Malformation It was horrible

The kids just called her horrible names

She wore the thing for six months It was terrible

That sucks Man, kids can be so mean, you know?

Yeah

Scrotum head

Reservoir tip Captain Retard

Soft-skull Smurf...

It was horrible I just tried to be there for her, though

No matter what the kids called her

Well, she's lucky to have you as a friend

I actually feel really lucky because her struggles...

really, they inspired me to... to teach special needs kids...

so... so, thank you, Meg

Oh yeah

Scrotum head... That's pretty good

- I'm gonna run to the ladies' room - You guys want something to drink?

- I'm buyin' - Oh, I'm good

Oh, I'm good, too

Oh... hi

- Hi, how are you today? - Oh, not bad

Oh, yeah, thank you

Oh my god

Oh my god

Oh god

Occupied!

Okay

Meg, is that you?

It's Scrotum head, bitch

Hello?

Hello? There's an unsafe level of feces in here!

Hey

Listen, Kate may be a while She's having an issue

Everything okay?

Unusually heavy flow Don't say anything

I would normally never tell you, but she'd be mortified...

if everyone thought it was the diarrhea

That's mostly cleared up

Okay, well, we'll just wait

Look what I got, the most expensive of the two

Good idea

It's crazy, isn't it?

We've only known each other for a few days...

and yet I feel like I've known you my whole life

Well, you know, we've been stopping a lot

We'll pick up the pace You know...

Sorry, I gotta take this Hey, you maniac!

Yeah, yeah man, I'm just outside Valdosta...

I should be getting in about 10:00

Yeah You guys having fun?

Get... Fucking bumblebee!

- Jesus - Everyone wants a bite of that guy

There's not really honey in the hand cream

Hey Yeah, uh, sorry No

- Gassed up and ready to roll - Good for you

Where's Kate? We should hit it

- Calm down - I am calm

I just thought we were trying to make it to a wedding

That's why I've been speeding the whole time

67? That's your idea of speeding?

Traditionally, when someone does you a favor, you say "thank you"

Well, I'm a rebel

Just keep me posted Okay, buddy

Ryan!

Ryan, is everything okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah These guys are animals

- We'll leave it at that - Awesome

Anyway, I was thinking, I'm not gonna have much to do

Kate's obsessed with looking for shells on the beach...

so after you finish the wedding stuff and maybe you wanna hook up...

or even if you need a date, I brought a dress

It's really more...

Oh my god!

- Are you okay? What happened? - What happened?!

Someone locked me in the bathroom! That's what happened!

- Why? Who would do that? - That homeless guy

You know what? I smelled meth on him

Guys, what is taking so... Oh my god!

Are... are you okay?

Oh... you got something on your...

Where are we?

I think that's poop

Don't touch me!

I wasn't going to

Motherfucker!

Oh my god!

- Oh, god - You okay?

Yeah, it's just... my neck

I think I tweaked it when I fell

- Here, come here - Oh yeah, sure Thank you

- Right here? - Yeah

Here, just... right there

Oh yeah

Oh god yeah, right there...

Oh, oh my god, that is so good

Yeah, you got a big knot right here

Oh yeah Oh! That's awesome

Jesus, you two, get a room

Finally

Sorry you hurt your neck

Yeah, I bet you are

I am Want a sip?

It might help loosen up your neck

- No, thank you - Nah, me neither

That's what I get for traveling with a bunch of stiffs

What're you doing? Stop!

- You don't know me - I know you're the driver

I thought you were a rebel

- How much do you weigh? - What?

You've been driving for a while Want me to tap in?

Look, I'm on the road like six, seven days a month

A haul like this is nothing to me

Just get some sleep Everything's fine

Are you insane?!

Okay! We're okay We're okay What'd that sign say?

Are you insane?

I'm screwed, man I'm really fucking screwed

- I'm not gonna make the wedding - Yes, you are Yes, you are, bucko

- When is it? - Tomorrow

Oh

Oh, geez, I feel weird

- Help you? - Yeah...

the, uh, headlamps are out on our car

- Is there a garage in town? - Yeah

You think the guy could open up and maybe take a look?

- Oh, no, I doubt it - Can we rent a car?

- Sure - Now?

- Oh, oh, no Not tonight - Tomorrow?

- How long will it take us to get a car? - I ate one of those um...

Well, it'd have to come from the airport

- I think they open around 8:00 - Uh, you know

Would they deliver it here?

I don't know Maybe No

Can we borrow your car?

- It was at the gas station... - No

- And when you don't use bread... - Okay, well, shit

Nothing we can do tonight Uh, we'll take two rooms

I think it starts with a "T"

Uh, three rooms, actually I'd like my own room

- Three rooms - Okay, even if we cab it to the airport...

we could be on the road by maybe 9:30-10:00

There you go This one's out the door, up the stairs, to the right

There's a restaurant out back towards the interstate

- You can walk it - All right

It's... open 'til 10:00

I'm wanna get this guy in bed

I'll, uh, park the car later on

You know, for food poisoning, this ain't bad

Goodnight

See ya

Yeah

He's yours, okay? He's yours

I don't want him

I just didn't want you to have him

Oh, hey

Don't be so excited

Where's Ryan?

On the phone, wedding stuff, thought I'd give him some space

You okay?

Yeah Yeah Just got quite the buzz going on

Thought some alcohol would add nicely to it

Hey, can I get a shot of Turkey? Thanks

I'm gonna go play some pool

You can sit next to me

You sure? I don't wanna give you cooties

Look at that handsome guy with that hag

Two smiles in one night I'm on my game

Finally getting your ice

I hate ice, it hurts my teeth

Oh

Where's, uh...

She's at the bar She's probably waiting for you

Goodnight

Wait

What're you doing?

You two were always together

I'm gonna kiss your mouth now

Okay

Wow

Oh, I know It's crooked

- Was it, like, an accident or something? - No, no, just kinda born that way

I've been told that it enhances the experience

Right

All right, here we go! Here we go!

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

Mary, mother of God!

- You okay? - Yeah, just gonna do one thing

Okay Oh, shit That's okay

Here, let me just try... Oh yeah, that's better!

You okay?

You know, we don't have to do this

Yes We Do

Oh! Here we go!

Yes!

Long story short, that is how I became a jeweler

Screw you, Dad Right?

Okay

I give up

What?

You know, I carry all kinds of gemstones in my store

Hundreds

Precious, semi-precious, uncut, faceted

Every time a woman walks into my store...

all she wants is one thing... diamonds

Don't get me wrong, I love diamonds...

but there are so many other stones out there...

with such amazing qualities

Imperial jade, the texture of a jacinth stone...

the way, if you add just the smallest amount of iron to amethyst...

it produces the truest shade of violet you've ever seen

I'm the imperial jade, in case that wasn't clear

- No, I got it - All right, too much bourbon

Gotta go 'Night

Spear of butter, a little bit of cinnamon on a King's Hawaiian...

is the ultimate comfort food

- Hi - Hey

- Mind if I join you? - Shut up

This raisin bran is amazing, by the way You should get some

What's with you?

Nothing

We have to stop This is insane

You're the most important person in my life

You know that, right?

I'm not gonna throw that away for some doofus

I mean, geez, right?

He's cute and everything, but there's not much more there...

than killer abs and a bent dick Look into young Ryan's eyes...

and I have serious doubt that there's anyone home

There you guys are I was knocking on your doors

- Not now, Craig - Ryan's gone

- What? - Yeah, he stole my car

Are you serious?

What is the matter with you?

- What's the matter with you?! - You told me that I could have him!

That is what you said to me and then you went and you...

- slept with him anyway?! - No, I...

How do you know he has a bent dick?!

- What?! - You slept with Ryan

You are unbelievable, Meg I am done with you!

- I am so done... - Wait a second, we are not done...

and how do you know he has a bent dick?

Because I spent the night with him, Einstein!

Whoa, whoa!

- That was a kill shot! - What?

I take Krav Maga at the Y! That was a straight up kill shot!

You took a fucking kill shot at me?! What the hell is wrong with you?

I didn't mean to take a kill shot, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay!

- I hate you! - Okay, maybe we should...

I hate you!

Will you grow up?!

Me grow up? I paid for this trip!

- Ouch! Stop! - I paid for everything!

You didn't pay for this breakfast!

It's a continental! It's free!

Oh god, just once I wish you would say "I am so sorry"

"I am dead broke again, would you please pay for my fro-yo?"

For you, it's just a bunch of heaped-on toppings!

Why do you even bother with the yogurt?

Why don't you just go to a fucking candy store?

- Is there anything you're not afraid of? - You think you are so strong

You quit everything that you try or you do something stupid...

to make sure that you fail You are the coward!

I'm a coward? That's rich

Had enough?

Oh, shit

Freeze, lesbians

Okay, I've gotten statements...

from the witnesses and the motel owner

From what I gather, the altercation appears...

to be over a man that you've both been intimate with?

- Not at the same time - I was first

Okay, the fella who stole your car What was his name?

He didn't steal my car, he left a note

I overreacted when I said that He didn't steal my car

Okay What was his name?

Uh, Ryan... Ryan...

Ryan, um...

You had sexual relations with this man and you don't even know his name?

I didn't have... relations...

The desk clerk said you came in last night with the damaged car

Officer, I have no memory of it

I'm still gonna need the other fella's name

Oh, he accepted my Google Plus request I'll show you a picture of this guy

I'll show you his name, his likes, his dislikes...

That would have been helpful

Oh

Well, he's definitely going to a wedding

His own

- He's getting married? - Oh my god!

You two are having a bad day

- Officer! - Sit down!

There is a woman out there who's about to give her life over...

to a liar and a cheat and we have the opportunity...

to stop him and to save her, so please...

I appeal to you, not as a police officer...

but as a woman, please

And we'll pay for all the damage Everything

Please?

- You called for a cab? - We're going to the Fort

- Where? - Fort Lauderdale

Seriously? That's gonna cost you

Well, we're just gonna put it on my credit card

- We can split it three ways - No, I'll find my way home

Are you sure? You don't wanna see how this thing ends?

No, I really don't

Come on! Let's go ruin a wedding!

Let's go!

Hey, ladies, we're almost there

- Game face Game face! - Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah

Excuse me, hi Um, the wedding, we're a little late...

but can you tell us where the wedding is, please?

There's a wedding in Ballroom H

- Ballroom H, thank you, thank you - Just off the lobby

- There she is Stop! - Listen! Listen to us!

- You're making a mistake, don't do it! - You're making a mistake

Look, I know you don't know who we are...

but I slept with your future husband

We both did, last night...

but we did not know that he was getting married

He lied to us and he will lie to you

- What have I been... - Shut up, Dad!

You deserve better

You're a piece of shit, Carlos!

Carlos?

- I feel bad about that - That was bad That was on us

Hi Would there possibly be another wedding...

at this hotel right now?

Shit! We missed it!

Son of a bitch went Asian

I'm not being racist, I was just surprised

There he is!

Let's go!

Hey, Karen

Sorry!

Hey, how're you doing? You look beautiful

- What're you doing here?! - You lying, fucking...

piece of bent dick shit!

Okay, okay!

You're pissed off, but please, please do not screw up my...

Hey, you guys Thank you so much for coming

It's great seeing you

You lied to us, asshole! You took advantage of us!

I liked you I flew in a hot air balloon for you!

- I concussed myself for you! - Hold the fuck on!

You two were throwing yourselves at me...

from the minute I got on that plane

That was a game, right? I mean, you two were trying to prove...

I don't know what you were trying to prove

But it sure as shit had nothing to do with me

So, we kinda cancel each other out

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

Oh, that was the most beautiful ceremony

Thank you so much, Meemaw

These are my friends, Meg and Kate

Oh I'm sorry to break in like that

Vernon! Would you excuse us for just one minute?

Vern, tell Ryan what you said

Shit Is he right?

Yeah

- Wait! Right? - Yeah!

- It was beautiful, wasn't it? - Sorry, excuse us for just one minute

Sorry

You got married ten minutes ago...

and you slept with two different women last night?

- What is wrong with you? - I know I'm an asshole, I know

Asshole? It's like biblically more than that

I want to punch you in the mouth

Will you just listen to me for one second?

I have been with Genevieve since freshman year of college...

and hopefully I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with that woman

But freshman year

And two girls like you? You're like every guy's dream

I know you're not gonna believe this...

but nothing like this has ever happened to me before

- Yeah, okay You... you lied to us - Okay, okay, okay

Why didn't you tell us that you were the one who was getting married?

I didn't lie to you You never asked

Please don't destroy my wedding

Ryan What're you doing?

Hey!

- Aren't you wearing a watch? - Yeah, I...

Hon, I said 5:50 Not 6:00, not 6:05

- I'm sorry - What is this?

Oh, I-I was just doing a...

Seriously, Ryan?

Hi I'm Genevieve And you are...?

Gen, this is, uh, Meg and Kate

They were on the plane with me I told you We, uh, drove down together

Oh, wow You guys have been through such an ordeal

Yeah, you have no idea

Well, thank you for returning him to me safely

I was spazzing

- I'm sorry Sorry - It stretches out the material

Oh, that... that'll come right out

- I think it's the ham coquette - Did you talk to your parents?

- I'm on my way - No, I'll do it

Do you think you can make it to the garden by yourself?

Yeah

Sorry, we were supposed to start photos seven minutes ago

- Um, are you two... - What?

Staying?

No, no, I think we just... We-we just came to um...

- To see your dress - Oh, the dress!

- I love it - Oh, yeah, no

- It's Christopher Perry - It's so gorgeous

It was his idea, he came here to design it

- I hope I can do it justice - Are you kidding me?

I think that justice is very well served, right, Meg?

Absolutely

Well, it was lovely to meet you

- Ryan? - Yeah, yeah, yeah

Wow

Oh my god

- That was... - Karma's a bitch

Ryan!

I think our work here is done

Well, it looks like a nice one

Yeah, not bad

We have almost four hours 'til our flight

You wanna go mess up another wedding?

Go to the beach?

What do you wanna do?

Pardon me, I'm in the market for a precious stone

Something lesser known, perhaps a nice zinc?

Zinc's not a stone, it's an element

I know it's not a stone I was being poetic Jesus

Well what, are you, stalking me to bust my balls?

No, I... Fuck!

Can we start again?

Hello, Craig, I'm an asshole

You were trying to be nice to me and I was rude...

and condescending and I didn't even give you a chance

And I didn't want to walk away from this...

whole fucked-up trip without telling you that

Okay Thanks

Okay, bye

Wait, that's it?

That's all I had planned I'm trying to be responsible

This is new for me

Okay, well... take care, Meg

What the hell

How about this?

Yeah, that works, too

Bye, Craig

Who was that?

Well, now I'm not so sure

- Hi - Hey

I was starting to get worried about you

- Did you find him? - Yeah

How'd it go?

- I did most of the talking - Well, good

At least you got it all out there

Almost

I don't think we can live together anymore

It's me I'm a mess

I need to get my shit together

And I can't, if I keep letting you bail me out of everything

You're too good to me I don't know why...

'cause I can be a real asshole to you sometimes

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now boarding flight 770 to Seattle

Please have your boarding passes ready

This doesn't mean...

- that we won't see each other - No, of course not

You're the most important person in my life

You are, too, ever since fifth grade

- We'll see each other as much as ever - Probably more Yeah

Okay Yeah

Wait You're an amazing person, and you always have been

I've always wanted to be more like you

If anything, I rely on you too much

I always cry at transitions

Miss Jeffries!

Oh, hi, Demerius You're here early

Computer club I, um, did the report

You said two pages?

So, is it okay that I did it like that?

- You drew this? - Yeah, I finished the book

What they did to Piggy? That was whack

Yeah, that was absolutely whack

So, is it okay?

Yeah, it's okay

Miss Jeffries, hold up a second!

- All right, I'll see you in class - See you in class

Gosh, you look great

Will you stop it? I'm not gonna quit my job

Who asked you to quit your job?

- You did - No, I didn't

- Yes, you did - No

I'll check my notes, but I'm...

I'm pretty sure you misunderstood me

No, on the contrary, I'm here to offer you...

the assistant volleyball coach position

Mrs Garcia's out on maternity leave

Did you know she was pregnant?

- No - Neither did I

Uh, well, just think about it Get back to me, okay?

- Principle Moss! - I can't, I got a board...

No, no, come here, I want you to see this

Demerius, that kid with the comic, he did this

This is amazing Look at that

You know what? I was thinking about it over break...

and I wanna shift the paradigm...

of the left-brained didactic teaching structure...

to a more right-brained, outside-the-box learning style

Do you follow?

- I... - I'm so sorry

It's such a bore when people talk like assholes, isn't it?

What I'm trying to say is I want your support...

to do more stuff like this Oh, and you know what?

I looked into cutting hair and you are absolutely right

Hairdressers make a goddamn fortune

It almost sounds like you're threatening me

Stanley... Stan... relax We are on the same team, here

I am just trying to keep your instructional scaffolding in place

Especially right before testing

Oh, and you know what?

Yes to volleyball Sounds like an adventure

Go Falcons!

Edgeworth, he brought math to economics

He wrote the essay on application of math...

to moral science, 1881

Leon Morris... Theory of General Competitive-

Hold on

Hello? Yes I know, I know I'll be there

- Who is it? - Sorry, it was Kate

Well, you know, I gotta get to bed anyway I'll see you later?

Sixteen days

Sixteen days

Give me something to dream about

Oh, you scamp

Come on

Oh my goodness!

Oh boy You are the mo...

Hey

I'm here Has it started?

I don't think that Kalynn's going any farther

She's cracking

This is too hard I don't know if I can...

Who acts like that?