All language subtitles for 8-Bit.Christmas.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French Download
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew Download
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:03,503 [male weatherman] Good morning, Chicago. 2 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,005 The big question for Santa 3 00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:07,407 is can he handle the Chicago weather. 4 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,142 [man] What do I want for Christmas? 5 00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,643 how about a winning team? 6 00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:12,245 Any Chicago team. 7 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,381 [woman 1] You've already put your wish in for Santa, right? 8 00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:16,883 [woman 2] I sure have. I wrote a list, I checked it twice. 9 00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:19,152 [male reporter] Blackhawk fans around the world, 10 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:20,687 fans everywhere have had... 11 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,188 [woman 3] And I love this time of year. 12 00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:47,447 [adult Jake] We gotta hustle, Annie. 13 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,948 -Come on. Let's go, go, go! -[phone chimes] 14 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,351 That's my friends trying to reach me, isn't it? 15 00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,219 You know, if I had my own phone... 16 00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:57,457 Um, there's no quit in you, and it's inspiring. Still a hard no. 17 00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,726 Okay, let's say I'm in a burning building. 18 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,694 No. A burning pet store. 19 00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:04,397 No. A burning orphanage, 20 00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,366 and I need to make a phone call. 21 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,134 -You'd feel so terrible. -[phone chimes] 22 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,536 Lives are at stake! 23 00:01:09,602 --> 00:01:11,037 You're not getting a phone, Annie. I'm sorry. 24 00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:12,972 I get more calls on your phone than you do. 25 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,441 That's not true. 26 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:17,243 My friends have to text you just to talk to me. 27 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:18,711 It's embarrassing. 28 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:20,880 I'm not embarrassing. Maeve's dad is embarrassing. 29 00:01:20,947 --> 00:01:22,749 Whoa! [grunts] 30 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,617 Ow! 31 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,720 Still? The ice? 32 00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:29,823 -[Santa] I told them to salt it. -[adult Jake] Ow. 33 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,891 -[Annie] You were saying? -[phone ringing] 34 00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,593 [groaning] One second. 35 00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:35,795 Jake Doyle. 36 00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,133 It's for you. 37 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:44,270 [adult Jake] Fifty-eight minutes to Grandpa and Grandma's. With traffic. 38 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:45,805 Boom! 39 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:48,108 Hey, you wanna shoot pucks in the driveway later? 40 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,343 No, thanks. 41 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,412 Why not? I thought you liked it. It's kind of our thing. 42 00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:53,780 I don't like hockey anymore. 43 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,783 Oh, okay, well... 44 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,319 maybe we can build a snowman with Mom and your brother? 45 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:00,787 Dad. 46 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,322 We could... 47 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,358 Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up. 48 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:09,195 Listen, kiddo, I'm sorry about the phone. It's not gonna happen. 49 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,830 I hate to see you disappointed. 50 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:13,833 Look, I know that this year is a little bit different, 51 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:16,136 but you can still have a good Christmas. 52 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,270 What about you? 53 00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:21,708 I always have a good Christmas. 54 00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:24,144 [adult Jake] Hello? 55 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,613 Mom? 56 00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:27,814 Must be out running errands. 57 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,552 [adult Jake] Katie? Charlie? 58 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,220 [Annie] I'm bored. 59 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,389 Why couldn't we visit Aunt Lizzy in Australia instead? 60 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:38,892 Those flights are crazy expensive. 61 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,727 [Annie] Well... 62 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,462 what am I supposed to do here? 63 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:45,131 I... 64 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,037 [adult Jake] Come on, come on. 65 00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:54,007 Ta-da! 66 00:02:54,073 --> 00:02:57,343 -What is that? -That's my Nintendo from when I was a kid. 67 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,712 [Annie] Hmm. It looks like Tupperware. 68 00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:00,680 Tupperware? 69 00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:02,515 Come on, let's play. 70 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,186 Can I text Maeve from your phone after? 71 00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:08,388 Can you... 72 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,857 Yes, but can I show you how this works first, please? 73 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:11,891 -[Annie] Yeah. -Thank you. 74 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,163 Oh, first you have to do this. [blows] 75 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,264 Why? 76 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,766 I don't know, just how it works. 77 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,035 -[blowing] -Nice. Maybe dust? 78 00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:26,573 [laughs] 79 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,176 I thought you said Grandma and Grandpa 80 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,445 didn't let you have video games when you were little. 81 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,446 They didn't. 82 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,783 Then how'd you get it? 83 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:40,220 When I was a kid, I wanted a Nintendo worse than you want a phone. 84 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:41,387 That's not possible. 85 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:45,024 You know what? Today is your lucky day. 86 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:49,462 Because I am now going to tell you the story about how I got my Nintendo. 87 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:53,766 But it is possibly the most amazing, dangerous, 88 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,302 awesome story of all time. 89 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,239 So... can you handle it? 90 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:02,242 Is it dangerous because I might die from boredom? 91 00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,743 That's a good point. 92 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:07,580 The year was 1987. Or was it '88? 93 00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,282 No. '85, Bears. 94 00:04:09,382 --> 00:04:11,384 -Super Bowl was in '86... -Okay, does it really matter, Dad? 95 00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:13,386 Okay, okay. 96 00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:17,123 The year was the late '80s. 97 00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:18,324 We'll call it December. 98 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:22,562 I was 11 years old. 99 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,098 In the winter, if the streets were plowed, 100 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:29,636 I could make it to Timmy Keane's house in just under eight minutes. 101 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,640 [Annie] On a bike? How fast were you going? 102 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:34,774 [adult Jake] Super fast. 103 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:35,908 [Annie] Did you wear a helmet? 104 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:38,011 [adult Jake] Yeah, of course. 105 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,146 We always wore helmets in the '80s. 106 00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:42,348 Was it green? 107 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,684 Um, yeah. It was green. 108 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,185 [adult Jake] Could I just tell the story? 109 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,086 -[Annie] Yeah. -[adult Jake] Thanks. 110 00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,665 [panting] 111 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,203 [children chanting] Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo! 112 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,439 Nintendo! Nintendo! 113 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:08,541 [adult Jake] The rule at Keane's was simple. 114 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,811 The first ten kids to get through his door got to play Nintendo. 115 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,613 You know how you meet some people, 116 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,381 and you have no idea that they have a lot of money? 117 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,017 Yeah. Timmy Keane was the opposite of that. 118 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,687 A known psycho, 119 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:22,722 he had the tendency to lose his mind on a regular basis. 120 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,958 -[umpire] You're out! -You! You! You! 121 00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:27,293 Stupid! 122 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,162 Idiot Grandma! 123 00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:33,499 [adult Jake] It was an early lesson in God's cruelty... 124 00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:38,504 giving the only Nintendo in town to a rich kid like Timmy Keane. 125 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:42,508 And every kid at Mary Todd Lincoln Elementary was at his mercy... 126 00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:43,843 including my best friends. 127 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,679 Oh, another Saturday in the trenches. 128 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:48,247 [inhales] 129 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,316 [adult Jake] Mikey Trotter. 130 00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:54,721 Tough, tenacious. Was allowed to watch R-rated movies, and it showed. 131 00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:56,823 I wanna set land mines in this yard. 132 00:05:56,889 --> 00:06:00,059 Like in Platoon, blow everyone up. 133 00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:01,694 Sounds dangerous. 134 00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:03,229 [adult Jake] Evan Olsen. 135 00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:06,432 Nervous, allergic to bees and SpaghettiOs. 136 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,201 Probably has to go home soon. 137 00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:10,069 I probably gotta go home soon. 138 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:11,437 More Nintendo for us. 139 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:12,939 [adult Jake] Tammy Hodges. 140 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,274 Smart, confident, baseball card genius 141 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,177 and future CEO of Hodges Industries. 142 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:19,779 My Canseco rookie went up two bucks! 143 00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,714 Yeah, that used to be my Canseco. 144 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:22,749 [adult Jake] Teddy Hodges. 145 00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:24,417 Tammy's twin brother. 146 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,620 Future assistant to the CEO of Hodges Industries. 147 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,021 Hey, guys. What's up? 148 00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:30,757 [adult Jake] Oh, yeah, and this kid. 149 00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:32,458 Sorry I'm late. I was on the phone with Bon Jovi. 150 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:33,693 [adult Jake] Jeff Farmer. 151 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,094 Pathological liar. 152 00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:37,430 Not really our friend, but always around. 153 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,065 And you left school early yesterday 154 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,234 because Tom Cruise needed you to stunt double for him? 155 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,636 He knows I too have a need for speed. 156 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,405 So, you didn't have diarrhea? 157 00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,039 It was both. Tom Cruise and diarrhea. 158 00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:49,108 The two are not mutually exclusive. 159 00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:50,810 Shut up. He's coming out. 160 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,979 [children chanting] Nintendo! Nintendo! 161 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,881 [children screaming] 162 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:00,953 Nintendo! 163 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,221 Nintendo! 164 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:04,157 -Nintendo! -Silence! 165 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,558 [adult Jake] 8:00 a.m. 166 00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:07,160 Game time. 167 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:10,062 Any of you huddled masses care for some Nintendo? 168 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:11,764 [all] Yeah! 169 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,299 Pick me! Pick me! 170 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:15,935 You. You. You. 171 00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:18,237 You're good. 172 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:20,640 Yes! I got in! 173 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,676 [Mikey] We're in! 174 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,278 I love this place. 175 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,513 -[Mikey] Whoa! -[Tammy] Awesome. 176 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:31,184 [adult Jake] And there she was, glistening in all her gray plastic glory, 177 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,755 a maze of rubber wiring and electronic intelligence so advanced 178 00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:37,590 it was deemed not a video game, 179 00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:41,461 but an 8-bit entertainment system. 180 00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,196 Say hello to my little friend. 181 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,698 Hey, boots off! 182 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,700 There's tape over there if you have holes in your socks. 183 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,771 Don't touch the wall! It's French. 184 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,708 -Wait, my brother's still outside. -[Teddy] Let me in! 185 00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:56,776 [Timmy] You know the rules. 186 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,311 First ten, that's it. 187 00:07:58,377 --> 00:07:59,278 But it's Teddy. 188 00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:00,680 [mocking] "But it's Teddy." 189 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:01,647 [Teddy] Jerk! 190 00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:04,116 Too bad, so sad. 191 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:06,052 [adult Jake] There was no denying he was a jerk. 192 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,621 There was also no denying he had the coolest basement 193 00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:10,957 in the entire Central Time Zone. 194 00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:13,960 A pool table, shuffle board, pinball machine, 195 00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:16,629 pop machine, movie-style popcorn-maker. 196 00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:18,231 [Timmy] Hey, no sucking on the soda pop. 197 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,333 [adult Jake] And a snack drawer better stocked 198 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,702 than most supermarkets in the greater Chicago area. 199 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:25,071 You guys hungry? You want some Pop-Tarts or something? 200 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,340 -Yeah. That'd be great. -[Jake] Sure. 201 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:28,875 -[beeping] -Mom. 202 00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:32,211 Mom! 203 00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,380 -Mom, wake up! -[Mrs. Keane] What? 204 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:35,414 Get me a Pop-Tart! 205 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,749 [Mrs. Keane] Uh, how many? 206 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,354 -Just one. -[Mrs. Keane] Does anybody-- 207 00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:43,422 [sighing] 208 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,423 [yaps] 209 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:49,662 Winner stays. 210 00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:51,998 Die, die! 211 00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:53,933 You're dead. You're dead. 212 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,269 You're dead. [laughs] 213 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,403 Hey, you guys wanna play? 214 00:08:58,070 --> 00:08:59,338 Psych! Boom! 215 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,774 I can do this all day. 216 00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:04,076 [adult Jake] As I sat there and watched Timmy Keane 217 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:08,214 blast away an inch from the screen to his evil heart's content, 218 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,749 one thing became clear. 219 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,918 I needed to get my own Nintendo. 220 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,219 Fast. 221 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,554 [festive music playing] 222 00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:20,393 [Kathy] Oh, gee! 223 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,896 Y-O-U-R is possessive. 224 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,965 [adult Jake] For weeks, I'd been plotting 225 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,035 how to get my parents to say "yes" to a Nintendo for Christmas. 226 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,270 [Kathy] "Scout" is misspelled. 227 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,440 [adult Jake] Tonight was the night I'd finally put my plan into action. 228 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,310 -[Kathy] "Atticus" is misspelled. -[Jake] Mom. 229 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,245 Uh, hey, Mom. 230 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,314 I'm so sorry, Mom, 231 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,249 but I got some ketchup on my sweatshirt. 232 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:46,319 Oh, gosh. All right, let's get that out before it sets in. 233 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,454 You know, we bought that sweatshirt two sizes too big. 234 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,156 -I know. -It's gotta last you another year. 235 00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:54,327 I don't know. Wow! Jesus! 236 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,662 [adult Jake] My mom was always multi-tasking. 237 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,130 She thrived on the chaos. 238 00:09:58,230 --> 00:10:00,232 Two things at once, she was golden. 239 00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:04,170 But if you gave her a third task to juggle, things got dicey, 240 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,340 and you could get her to agree to stuff she wouldn't normally agree to. 241 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,409 Hey, so, Mom, I was thinking, for Christmas... 242 00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,578 A kid who thinks. How refreshing. 243 00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:14,847 Maybe you could teach my students that. 244 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,349 Sure? 245 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,250 But just to make Christmas shopping 246 00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:20,586 a little easier for me this year... 247 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,488 how about getting me a Nintendo? 248 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,358 Sure. That sounds great. 249 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,360 [adult Jake] Mom gauntlet passed. 250 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,594 [John] God bless it! 251 00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,196 Is everything all right in there? 252 00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:34,033 Has anyone seen my SKIL saw? 253 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,202 I think it's in the shower. 254 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:40,206 No, that's my jigsaw. I need my SKIL saw. 255 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,875 John, the SKIL saw is underneath the jigsaw. 256 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,277 You have to look harder. 257 00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:48,481 -Those are for the Muellers. -[stammers] 258 00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:50,683 [adult Jake] Of the 6,000 Christmas cookies 259 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,385 my mom had baked over the years, 260 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,221 no one in my family had ever actually eaten one. 261 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,722 Hey, the milk is expired. 262 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,557 No. That's a suggestion. It's fine. 263 00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,792 Jake! Where... 264 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:01,293 -Oh. -What? 265 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,562 Come on in here and help me. 266 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,631 [adult Jake] Normally, helping my dad with whatever half-baked renovation 267 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,667 he was doing would be the last thing I wanted to do, 268 00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:10,736 but tonight, I was a man on a mission. 269 00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:13,005 I'll be right in, Dad. 270 00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:14,340 [Kathy] Wow, look at that. 271 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,575 He finally wore you down. 272 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:20,479 [adult Jake] My dad was something of a dyslexic Bob Vila. 273 00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:23,816 It was well-known up and down Linwood Avenue that in 1978 274 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:28,320 my father went to install a kitchen cabinet and had not stopped since. 275 00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:30,690 [Kathy] Please wear your safety glasses this time. 276 00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:32,358 [Annie] Did you wear the safety glasses? 277 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,426 [adult Jake] Absolutely. 278 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,362 Really? 279 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:38,698 Kind of. 280 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:45,538 All right, you can take that off now. 281 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,406 -[Jake] What? -[John] Take it off. 282 00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:48,574 Oh. 283 00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:50,176 We'll look for the glasses later. 284 00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,878 It's really more of a suggestion. 285 00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:57,416 [Jake] Wow. 286 00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:59,251 How'd you get your hands so strong? 287 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:02,288 I've been working with them for over 30 years, that's how. 288 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,190 -That's so cool. -Yeah? 289 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:06,125 Maybe you guys could get me something for Christmas 290 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,928 that builds up my hand strength, so I could help you out better. 291 00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:14,133 You know, I like the sound of that. 292 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,201 Like a Nintendo? 293 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,303 Yeah. 294 00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,806 Done. [chuckles] 295 00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,708 All right. Let's go clean up. Come on. 296 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,477 [Annie] You did it, Dad! 297 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,578 They said yes. 298 00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:27,313 I was on cloud nine. 299 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,982 So the story's over, right? 300 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,383 Cool. Can I text Maeve now? 301 00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:33,252 Uh-uh. 302 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,655 [Kathy] John, that cup is disgusting. 303 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,225 This is the exact cup I was drinking out of when... 304 00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:40,760 When they beat the North Stars 305 00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,162 -in the Conference semis in '85. -Fine. Yep. 306 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:46,065 It's a beautiful memory and a gross cup. 307 00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:47,933 Totally. 308 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,935 Stop saying "totally." You sound like a moron. 309 00:12:50,002 --> 00:12:51,837 [John] And what's your retainer doing out of your mouth? 310 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,339 But we're eating. 311 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,407 Do you know how expensive that thing is? Put it back in. 312 00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:58,744 John, he really can't eat with it in. It doesn't work that way. 313 00:12:58,811 --> 00:13:01,347 Well, it won't work at all if he loses it. 314 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,783 I mean, orthodontistry is the biggest racket. 315 00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,484 I could make one of those. Easy. 316 00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:08,320 Couple of paper clips, mouth guard... [whistles] Done. 317 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,689 I'd like you to finish the living room and the dining room 318 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,625 before you start work on their retainers. 319 00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:15,694 If I had a retainer, I'd wear it all the time, no matter what. 320 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,297 I know you would, honey. You're such a sweetheart. 321 00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:21,867 Hey, you haven't seen my air compressor, have you? 322 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,435 It's in the backyard, 323 00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:25,204 right next to all the dog poop that Jake didn't pick up. 324 00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:26,972 Hey. 325 00:13:27,039 --> 00:13:28,440 You haven't picked that up yet? 326 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:29,675 Cry in a bucket, Jake. 327 00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:31,177 What have you been doing all day? 328 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:32,711 I was in Timmy Keane's basement. 329 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,213 What, you can't play outside? 330 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,214 It's cold. 331 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,949 It's not even below zero out. 332 00:13:37,016 --> 00:13:38,384 What've you been doing inside all day? 333 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,820 Probably playing the Mimtendo? 334 00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:41,987 "Nintendo." 335 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:43,722 That's what I just said. "Intendo," John. 336 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,358 You know, I ran into Mrs. Trotter at the Jewel today. 337 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:49,061 Apparently, video games have been doing 338 00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,897 all kinds of strange things to children in Japan. 339 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,732 Like what? 340 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,702 They get so involved, they completely forget about everything else. 341 00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:57,903 School, friends. 342 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,406 One little boy had a brain aneurysm 343 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,908 and stuff oozed out of his nose. 344 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,744 I'm very glad that we do not have one. [chuckles] 345 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,547 But you said I could get one for Christmas. 346 00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:11,584 I said nothing of the sort. 347 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,253 Video games make you fat, Jake. It's a fact. 348 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,722 Cabbage Patch Kids don't make you fat. 349 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,090 [Jake] No, no, no. 350 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,025 Dad, you said I could have one, too. 351 00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:21,894 No, I didn't. Well, okay, I did. 352 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,663 But I thought that it was an Asian tool brand, like Makita. 353 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:27,032 You know what? You should be playing outside. 354 00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:30,002 Evan Olsen almost got frostbite from playing outside. 355 00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,904 He almost lost his pinkie toe. 356 00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,839 The Olsens are weak stock. 357 00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:35,374 No Nintendo in my house. 358 00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:37,209 I second that. 359 00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:38,844 Me three, and that makes a majority. 360 00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:43,616 Looks like a no-go on the 'Tendo. 361 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,851 [laughs] 362 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:47,853 She's funny, John. 363 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:50,756 [John] Best kid ever. 364 00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,958 [adult Jake] And just like that, it was gone. 365 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:55,060 I was never getting my own Nintendo. 366 00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:56,629 My life was over. 367 00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,401 Jake. Jake. 368 00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,370 Come on. You gotta focus, man. 369 00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:06,872 [Evan] His parents said he couldn't get a Nintendo last night. 370 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,407 When my parents said no, I was so mad, 371 00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,609 I started calling them by their first names. 372 00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:14,046 Okay, well, channel that anger into taking down Jagorski. 373 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,447 [grunting] 374 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,750 [Josh] Yeah! 375 00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:19,251 Yeah! 376 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,586 Let's go! 377 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:23,088 [growling] 378 00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,591 [adult Jake] Every day before school, we would gather, 379 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,494 for reasons unknown, to get pummeled by Jagorski 380 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,429 in the game King of the Mountain. 381 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:32,798 [all screaming] 382 00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:35,935 My mountain! Mine! 383 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:39,838 [adult Jake] It was never quite certain what grade Josh "King of the Mountain" Jagorski 384 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,240 was actually enrolled in, 385 00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:43,409 as the vast majority of his time 386 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,644 was spent in such foreign districts as the principal's office, 387 00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:48,814 and the adult beverage refrigerator case at the gas station. 388 00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:51,850 [growling] 389 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,919 [Josh] Bye and bye. 390 00:15:53,986 --> 00:15:57,323 Yeah! Come on! 391 00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:00,659 He smells like my dad after he practices guitar in the garage. 392 00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:01,860 Who wants a piece 393 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:05,597 of this delicious strawberry cake? 394 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:08,033 This is it. Let's go! 395 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,035 -Why now? -Do we have to? 396 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,036 Come on! 397 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,504 Come here! 398 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:13,872 [screaming] 399 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,976 Let's go! Let's go! Go, go, go! 400 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,982 Come on! 401 00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,616 [Mikey] Oh, no! 402 00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:26,552 Yeah! 403 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:27,619 Come on. 404 00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:31,890 How about a nice face wash, Doyle? 405 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,028 [screams] 406 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,129 Yeah! 407 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,232 [Jake] I hate that guy! 408 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:41,400 Me too. 409 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,868 Just think about the Power Glove, man. 410 00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:45,237 What? What Power Glove? 411 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,405 Yo, you didn't tell him? 412 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,173 -I thought you told him. -[Mikey] No. 413 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,510 The Power Glove. Keane got one last night. 414 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:53,912 No way! 415 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,381 -Yes, way. -[Jake] For real. 416 00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,850 -[Jake] Awesome! -Look, he's already practicing. 417 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:01,520 [Tammy] Nice! 418 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,188 [Timmy] Psych! 419 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,224 We're all going over to his house after school to play it. 420 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:06,525 He's gonna let us in? 421 00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,360 We gotta bribe him with gifts, but yeah. 422 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,429 Who else knows? 423 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:11,397 Just us. 424 00:17:11,997 --> 00:17:12,898 Well... 425 00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,167 and Farmer. 426 00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:17,770 Great. Farmer knows. Secret's safe. 427 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,539 [children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove! 428 00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,842 I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear to God. 429 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,445 All right, fine. Maybe Meg Platt, Steve Dybsky, 430 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,615 my second-period gym class, Coach Wallach, but that's it. 431 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,450 Come on, Farmer. Now we're never gonna get in. 432 00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,452 I have a Power Glove at my house. 433 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,120 My uncle works at the cardboard company-- 434 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,389 You don't have one, Farmer. 435 00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:39,925 No, I do not. 436 00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,628 I don't think anybody in Chicago has one yet besides Keane. 437 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,296 He's coming out! 438 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:47,900 [children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove! 439 00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,437 This is so dumb. 440 00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:53,138 Just do it. 441 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,808 [children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove! 442 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,277 [boom box playing] 443 00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:02,214 ♪ I'm holding out for a hero Till the end of the night ♪ 444 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:05,584 ♪ He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast ♪ 445 00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,720 ♪ And he's gotta be fresh From the fight ♪ 446 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:11,290 -[mouthing] -♪ I need a hero ♪ 447 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,158 [all cheering] 448 00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,730 Yeah, Keane, yeah! 449 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:26,572 [adult Jake] It was the most beautiful piece of machinery 450 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,507 I'd ever laid eyes on. 451 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:32,244 The thing made Luke Skywalker's robot hand look like a Tinker toy. 452 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,613 Silence, children of Batavia. 453 00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:36,682 And Coach. 454 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:39,751 What have you brought me? 455 00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:41,186 [all] Me! Me! Me! 456 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,989 I got a goldfish! I got a goldfish! 457 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:47,426 Untraceable cash money! 458 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,194 You're not getting in with that, dude. 459 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,697 It's a summer sausage. It's gourmet. 460 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,632 It's the best I could find. 461 00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:54,666 [boy] Gimme! Gimme! 462 00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:55,701 One! 463 00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:57,669 Two! Three! 464 00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,638 Hey, I got my dad's Sports Illustrated. 465 00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,173 Yeah. Four. Yeah. 466 00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:02,641 NASA moon rocks? 467 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,176 Moon rocks? No. 468 00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:05,377 Summer sausage! 469 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,446 -It's my dad's. It's gourmet. -No. 470 00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:13,685 [Connor] I got a goldfish, Keane! You want it? 471 00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:16,455 -But it's a good pet. It's a fish. -[Timmy] No. 472 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,169 Good girl, good girl. 473 00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,637 [dog growling] 474 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,078 Fetch! Go! 475 00:19:43,982 --> 00:19:45,184 [Timmy] Settle down, peons. 476 00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,354 -Gentlemen. -[clears throat] 477 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,424 Gentlemen and the Hodges girl. 478 00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,393 Behold the Power Glove... 479 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,061 in all of its... 480 00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:58,363 power. 481 00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:01,934 Timmy Keane, dream journal. 482 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,102 I had the dream about Tammy Hodges again. 483 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,505 She was on a white horse, I was on a beach. 484 00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,941 -I don't know what that means. -Turn it off! 485 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,676 -[Mrs. Keane] Timmy, do you have your jammies on? -[Timmy] Mom, get out of here! 486 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:12,277 [Mrs. Keane] Okay. 487 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,180 -No one heard that. Understand? -Yeah. 488 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:17,282 [exhaling] 489 00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:19,618 Behold... 490 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,421 the power of the Power Glove. 491 00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:25,958 [Timmy] You ready, Hodges? 492 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,793 Not everyone can use these things, by the way. 493 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,295 You have to be specially trained in Taekwondo 494 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,298 which is like karate, but just more expensive. 495 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,434 [Jake] What a tool. 496 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,703 [adult Jake] Oh, man. This was it. 497 00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,938 The Power Glove. At last. 498 00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:43,742 Each one of us in that basement knew we were about to witness history. 499 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:49,915 Feel the Glove. 500 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,450 Felt like an Isotoner. 501 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:53,452 This is how you really punch with power. 502 00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:57,923 -[Timmy] Come on. -[all] Oh! 503 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,094 -[Mikey] Go, Tammy! -[Teddy] Go, Tammy, get him, get him! 504 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,996 Boom! You can give up now. 505 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,832 Nah. I think I'll win instead. 506 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,634 [Mikey] Yeah, Tammy! 507 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,236 Get him, Tammy! Get him! 508 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,772 [all] Whoa! 509 00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:14,773 Come on! 510 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,842 Work! 511 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,111 [adult Jake] We thought he was just making excuses, being a sore loser. 512 00:21:19,177 --> 00:21:22,581 But we'd later realized a horror that defined our generation. 513 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:24,816 The Power Glove sucked. 514 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,184 This glove sucks! 515 00:21:27,319 --> 00:21:28,787 Hi-ya! Hi-ya! 516 00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,824 Come on, unleash your power! 517 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:36,828 [Jake] Yeah, yeah! 518 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:38,997 It's not working! Come on! 519 00:21:39,097 --> 00:21:41,199 [man in game] Silence him! 520 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,968 [all cheering] Yeah! 521 00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:46,038 Mommy, Tammy cheated! 522 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:49,274 Sucks to lose... to a girl. 523 00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:51,043 -[all] Ooh! -[screams] 524 00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,045 [adult Jake] Maybe it was the glove. 525 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,313 You tell 'em, Keane! 526 00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:55,714 [adult Jake] Maybe it was the song. 527 00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:57,783 Chop, chop, chop! 528 00:21:57,849 --> 00:21:59,685 Hai karate, Keane! 529 00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:02,954 [adult Jake] Maybe it was because he was just such an idiot. 530 00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:07,025 But Timmy Keane lost his dang mind that day. 531 00:22:07,125 --> 00:22:09,828 Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo! 532 00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,731 [all] Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo! 533 00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:15,400 [all] Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo! 534 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,368 [screams] 535 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,339 [kids screaming in horror] 536 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:23,742 [all gasp] 537 00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,811 [Mrs. Keane over intercom] Does anybody want some Tang? 538 00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:27,713 I just made a batch. 539 00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:30,182 [adult Jake] A marble stuck in a nostril... 540 00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:31,750 shattering Mom's antique vase. 541 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,653 Picnics in the fricking park compared to this. 542 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,888 For there, lying under the weight 543 00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:40,425 of a smashed 42-inch television set... 544 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,361 was a dead dog. 545 00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:43,662 What? 546 00:22:43,729 --> 00:22:45,097 The dog dies? 547 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,265 There's a dead dog in this story? 548 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:50,268 Hey, what can I tell ya? It was the '80s. 549 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,937 Stuff got real. 550 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,005 I thought you said you were super safe in the '80s? 551 00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:55,907 It was a complicated decade. 552 00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:57,342 Are you making all this up? 553 00:22:57,409 --> 00:22:58,777 No. No. No way. 554 00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:01,613 Okay, well... 555 00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:03,382 what happened next in the basement? 556 00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:06,017 I mean, I don't really care. But... 557 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:09,788 What did you do? 558 00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:13,058 We did what any rational, thoughtful, responsible kids 559 00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:14,960 would've done in our position. 560 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:16,027 [all exclaiming] Run! 561 00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:20,465 [Evan] Why is everyone running? 562 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,135 [Tammy] Go, go, go! 563 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,637 -[Evan] What's happening? -We gotta get outta here! 564 00:23:25,737 --> 00:23:28,073 [Evan] What's going on? What's going on? 565 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:30,609 -The sound of all those bones breaking... -What do you mean, "bones"? 566 00:23:30,709 --> 00:23:34,112 It's game over at Keane's! Just go! Go! Go! Go! 567 00:23:34,646 --> 00:23:36,481 Go! 568 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:38,984 [yells indistinctly] 569 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:42,988 [adult Jake] It was the end-o of Nintendo at Keane's as we knew it. 570 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,623 So many thoughts raced through my head. 571 00:23:44,723 --> 00:23:46,825 Would I be arrested? Would I go to jail? 572 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:49,261 Or worse, would I ever play Nintendo again? 573 00:23:57,436 --> 00:24:00,138 It's gonna be snow, snow, snow. 574 00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:01,973 [Lizzy] Snow! 575 00:24:02,073 --> 00:24:03,842 [weatherman] We have a northwest clipper coming off 576 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,177 -of the south side of Lake Michigan. -Yes! 577 00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:07,512 God bless it. 578 00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:09,181 [weatherman] And at Christmas time that's just perfect. 579 00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,085 Can't read Jenny Jablecki's handwriting on this, Mom. 580 00:24:14,152 --> 00:24:16,455 [Kathy] If there is a heart over the "I"... 581 00:24:16,521 --> 00:24:17,789 mark it wrong and move on. 582 00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:20,525 Are we gonna have a snow day today? 583 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:23,695 I don't want anyone here getting their hopes up. 584 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,096 It's probably not gonna happen. 585 00:24:25,163 --> 00:24:27,299 I don't want anyone getting upset, okay? 586 00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:30,035 [adult Jake] In the history of Batavia, Illinois, 587 00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,103 there had never been a snow day. 588 00:24:32,170 --> 00:24:33,939 Not a single one. 589 00:24:34,005 --> 00:24:36,374 It could be 20 below with a Soviet attack on the way 590 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,543 -and we'd still have school. -[reporter] We just got this in. 591 00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,346 In Kane County, the school closures are as follows... 592 00:24:41,446 --> 00:24:43,014 -[Lizzy] Come on! -[reporter] Geneva, 593 00:24:43,114 --> 00:24:44,349 -Come on! -[reporter] Elburn... 594 00:24:44,449 --> 00:24:45,884 -[Jake] Come on! -[reporter] South Elgin, 595 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:48,720 [reporter] North Aurora, and...that's it. 596 00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:50,889 -Stupid! -Oh, no! 597 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:52,824 Mary of God! 598 00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:56,795 I told you guys not to get your hopes up. 599 00:24:56,862 --> 00:24:59,130 -[Jake] You okay, Mom? -[Kathy] All right. You have to eat something. 600 00:25:00,799 --> 00:25:02,501 -Here. -This is frozen. 601 00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:04,836 Yes, put it under your armpits for two minutes, it'll thaw out. 602 00:25:04,903 --> 00:25:06,738 Guys, coats, gloves. What are we doing? 603 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:07,973 Jake, don't forget your boots. 604 00:25:08,039 --> 00:25:10,075 Yeah. Don't forget your boots, Jake. 605 00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,311 -[Lizzy laughs] -[sighs] 606 00:25:13,378 --> 00:25:18,083 [adult Jake] My mother, in a multi-tasking, cold, coupon-induced bout of madness, 607 00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:20,919 had accidentally bought me girl's boots. 608 00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:33,331 Back then, they were a death sentence. 609 00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,501 I should note, they were also flowered and French. 610 00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:38,270 What do you mean, "girl's boots"? 611 00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:40,772 Like they only fit girl's feet? 612 00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:43,508 No, they were just purple. 613 00:25:43,575 --> 00:25:45,076 So? 614 00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:48,280 Back then, people were more close-minded about fashion. 615 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,782 And everything else. 616 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,217 Ooh, pretty. 617 00:25:53,618 --> 00:25:56,621 Did you know that Esprit is French for "cool"? 618 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:58,223 -Really? -No. 619 00:25:58,290 --> 00:25:59,457 Just go ahead, I'll catch up. 620 00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:00,892 What if someone kidnaps me? 621 00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:03,261 They'll return you in, like, five minutes. 622 00:26:03,361 --> 00:26:04,763 You shouldn't be doing that. 623 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,598 Wait a second and shut up. 624 00:26:06,698 --> 00:26:08,133 You said a swear. 625 00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,601 I got a lot on my mind, Lizzy. 626 00:26:09,701 --> 00:26:11,436 I got a lot on my mind too. 627 00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:13,972 Come on. Let's go. 628 00:26:14,072 --> 00:26:15,140 Let's go. 629 00:26:20,979 --> 00:26:22,047 [sneezes] 630 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:30,555 [Mrs. Hugo] It's called the Dewey Decimal System. 631 00:26:30,622 --> 00:26:34,292 Right. This is a life skill, people, like cursive. 632 00:26:34,392 --> 00:26:37,796 When you're an adult, and you wanna look something up really quickly, 633 00:26:37,896 --> 00:26:41,166 you're gonna be very happy that you learned this today. Okay. 634 00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,102 All you're gonna have to do is go to the library. 635 00:26:44,169 --> 00:26:45,670 Get your coats and boots on, head on over... 636 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:48,006 We talked to Keane. The dog's not dead. 637 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:49,941 The dog's not dead? 638 00:26:50,008 --> 00:26:52,444 No, it just broke three legs and a few ribs. It's on life support. 639 00:26:52,510 --> 00:26:55,413 It's gonna make a full recovery though. Right? 640 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:56,781 I wouldn't count on it. 641 00:26:56,848 --> 00:26:59,317 That TV landed on her like a house on a witch. 642 00:26:59,417 --> 00:27:01,920 But eventually it'll be like nothing happened. 643 00:27:01,987 --> 00:27:06,124 Physically, maybe. But mentally, she'll never be the same. 644 00:27:06,191 --> 00:27:08,693 You're lucky you didn't see it, Olsen. You would have thrown up. 645 00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:11,596 I only throw up from SpaghettiOs. It's a medical condition. 646 00:27:11,663 --> 00:27:14,032 He's really the Shackleton of the librarians. 647 00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,434 -And I'm not the only one who thinks that, by the way. -[snoring] 648 00:27:16,501 --> 00:27:18,870 Wait, so does this mean Nintendo's back on? 649 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,271 -It gets a little more specific. -No. 650 00:27:20,338 --> 00:27:23,642 Keane's dad took it away. It's really over. 651 00:27:23,708 --> 00:27:25,377 [Jeff] Did you guys hear? 652 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:27,512 The Loyal Ranger Scouts are giving out a Nintendo this year. 653 00:27:27,612 --> 00:27:31,216 Whoever sells the most wreaths in the wreath-selling contest gets one. 654 00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,219 -No way. -Yes, way. A sixth-grader told me. 655 00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:36,454 The same sixth-grader who told you that there were tryouts 656 00:27:36,521 --> 00:27:38,289 for the A-Team? Yeah, right. 657 00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:41,026 Nope. That was a lie. This one's real. 658 00:27:41,126 --> 00:27:43,528 We're gonna need some solid proof, Farmer. 659 00:27:43,628 --> 00:27:45,664 -Jake Doyle. -Huh? 660 00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:48,466 Do you have something that you'd like to share with the rest of the class? 661 00:27:48,533 --> 00:27:49,801 Uh, no. 662 00:27:49,868 --> 00:27:51,336 Don't think I haven't been watching you, Jake. 663 00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:52,804 You're the only one in here with wet shoes. 664 00:27:52,871 --> 00:27:55,840 Now, you know the rules. No boots, no recess. 665 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:58,410 -But... -I expect to see you in boots at recess, 666 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,478 or your name goes on the board... 667 00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:01,646 with a check. 668 00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:03,682 So what's it going to be, Mr. Doyle? 669 00:28:04,315 --> 00:28:05,250 Boots... 670 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,085 or a check? 671 00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:09,688 [Josh] Go, go, go! 672 00:28:13,158 --> 00:28:15,927 -[Josh] Catch it. Get out there. Catch it. -No. 673 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:17,562 It changes colors when I lick it. 674 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:20,498 [adult Jake] Connor Stump 675 00:28:20,565 --> 00:28:23,101 was by far the weirdest kid in school. 676 00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:24,736 He always carried around a recorder 677 00:28:24,836 --> 00:28:27,005 and his lunch was almost exclusively tuna. 678 00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:31,543 You ever put socks and shoes on your hands and just crawl around? 679 00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:33,011 [growling] 680 00:28:33,078 --> 00:28:35,613 It's just me, Connor. I'm not really a lion. 681 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,849 -Jake, come on, you're on our team. -[Josh] Let's go. Line up. 682 00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:40,218 Just play without me. 683 00:28:40,285 --> 00:28:42,353 What're you doing back there? 684 00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:44,422 Ooh, is there a dead squirrel again? 685 00:28:44,522 --> 00:28:46,191 Is it all furry and frozen? 686 00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:48,359 Dude. 687 00:28:48,426 --> 00:28:49,794 You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots. 688 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:50,795 They're mine. 689 00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:52,230 Your mom use a coupon again? 690 00:28:53,198 --> 00:28:55,200 Let's go, Trotter, you baby. 691 00:28:55,266 --> 00:28:56,601 Yeah, we gotta get you outta here. 692 00:28:56,701 --> 00:28:59,037 If Jagorski sees you, he'll kill you. 693 00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:01,539 Hey. What're you... 694 00:29:01,606 --> 00:29:03,908 You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots. 695 00:29:03,975 --> 00:29:05,143 They're mine. 696 00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:07,445 That's it! I'm coming over there. 697 00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,414 No, no! What do I do? What do I do? 698 00:29:09,481 --> 00:29:12,484 Does anybody have some candy or a nudie magazine or something? 699 00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:15,253 I call dibs if there's a dead squirrel back there again. 700 00:29:17,889 --> 00:29:19,257 [Josh laughs] 701 00:29:19,324 --> 00:29:23,828 I think we got ourselves a pair of girl's boots here. 702 00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:25,663 [adult Jake] Painfully, my mind flipped through 703 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,767 the Rolodex of punishment I was about to endure. 704 00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:32,337 Weeks of wedgies, swirlies, dead legs. 705 00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:37,175 I wanted to punch a kid's face until it turned into Kool-Aid so bad 706 00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:40,512 and I didn't get the chance... until now. 707 00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,846 -What's up, dork? -Hi! 708 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,982 How's Four Eyes? 709 00:29:44,082 --> 00:29:46,851 -[adult Jake] But then, I heard the voice of an angel. -[Jeff] Guys, I got proof! 710 00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,087 [Jeff] Guys! Guys! 711 00:29:49,154 --> 00:29:50,789 It says it right here! It really is a Nintendo! 712 00:29:53,825 --> 00:29:55,760 It's just a picture of a dumb wreath. 713 00:29:55,827 --> 00:29:57,662 You gotta read it. 714 00:29:57,762 --> 00:30:01,866 "This year's first prize is a brand-new Nintendo Entertainment System." 715 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,969 [all exclaiming] 716 00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:14,012 I'm gonna kill you. 717 00:30:14,112 --> 00:30:16,815 [all cheering] 718 00:30:16,881 --> 00:30:19,717 [adult Jake] Less than 30 minutes after the final school bell 719 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:22,687 I was fitted in my dress greens and on my way... 720 00:30:22,787 --> 00:30:25,323 envisioning the acres of Alaskan pine forest 721 00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:28,493 needed to cover the amount of wreaths I was about to sell. 722 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,529 And I had my sales pitch all planned out. 723 00:30:31,629 --> 00:30:32,730 [clears throat] 724 00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,532 [knocking] 725 00:30:34,632 --> 00:30:36,634 "I'm with the Loyal Ranger Scouts, ma'am, and without your help 726 00:30:36,701 --> 00:30:40,004 thousands of boys may become drug addicts and communists." 727 00:30:40,071 --> 00:30:41,739 -What? -What? 728 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:42,874 What? What do you want? 729 00:30:42,974 --> 00:30:45,243 Hi. My name is... 730 00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,745 Wait. You're not trying to sell me something, are you? 731 00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:50,048 Wanna buy a wreath? 732 00:30:52,750 --> 00:30:56,387 What, do you got a learning disability or something? 733 00:30:56,487 --> 00:30:59,724 Wait, you don't really got a learning disability, do you? 734 00:30:59,824 --> 00:31:03,194 Good. Ma, this kid thinks your wreath sucks! 735 00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:06,598 -[door slams] -Oh. 736 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:12,937 [Jeff] Hey, Doyle. Gotta look out for those "no solicitor" signs. 737 00:31:14,505 --> 00:31:16,441 What're you doing here, Farmer? 738 00:31:16,541 --> 00:31:17,609 -[doorbell chiming] -Ruining your life. 739 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,277 You can't sell wreaths here. 740 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,247 You think there are rules here, Doyle? There are no rules. 741 00:31:22,347 --> 00:31:23,715 That Nintendo's mine. 742 00:31:23,781 --> 00:31:27,051 -I've already sold 67 wreaths. -To who? 743 00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:29,287 People. Your mom. 744 00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:31,789 You're full of it, Farmer. 745 00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,192 Hello, young lady. I was hoping your mother was home. 746 00:31:34,259 --> 00:31:36,761 I need to speak to an adult in the house. 747 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:40,265 And did I mention how much I like your sweater? 748 00:31:40,365 --> 00:31:43,534 [adult Jake] All over town, the boys in green pounded the pavements 749 00:31:43,601 --> 00:31:44,802 in record numbers, 750 00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,471 all in the name of Nintendo. 751 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:51,075 A swarm of snot-nosed Gordon Gekkos had been born. 752 00:31:51,142 --> 00:31:53,978 Merry Christmas, ma'am. Would you like to buy a wreath? 753 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,215 Hello, ma'am. 'Tis the season. 754 00:31:57,282 --> 00:32:00,919 Merry Christmas, sir. Do you think Die Hard is a Christmas movie? 755 00:32:00,985 --> 00:32:03,655 Look at that, it's already wreath-thirty? 756 00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:06,391 Um... 757 00:32:06,457 --> 00:32:09,093 "Douglas fir Christmas wreaths." Just say it! 758 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:10,995 Why don't you just say it? 759 00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:14,599 'Cause I'm not in stupid Ranger Scouts, 'cause I'm not a stupid boy. 760 00:32:14,666 --> 00:32:16,668 [adult Jake] And it was every kid for themselves. 761 00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:22,674 Kids who weren't even in Ranger Scouts were getting in on the action. 762 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,475 I will not take no for an answer! 763 00:32:24,575 --> 00:32:28,579 That is the first rule of salesmanship! The first rule! 764 00:32:28,646 --> 00:32:30,014 [knocking] 765 00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,649 [adult Jake] Even I was getting the hang of it. 766 00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:36,521 Oh, are you here to shovel my walk? 767 00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,690 No, I'm here to sell Christmas wreaths. 768 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,125 Okay. Um, let me see. 769 00:32:41,192 --> 00:32:42,927 My wallet's in my car. 770 00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:44,662 You want me to... 771 00:32:44,762 --> 00:32:47,332 Shovel my car out, so I can get to it. That would be great. 772 00:32:47,432 --> 00:32:48,933 Oh, I'll get the shovel. 773 00:32:54,439 --> 00:32:55,974 [panting] 774 00:33:00,645 --> 00:33:03,214 [Kathy laughing] 775 00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:07,218 [Jeff] The Tevatron particle accelerator at Fermilabs, they get more headlines. 776 00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,820 But if you ask me... 777 00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:10,822 the most valuable local resource we still have today 778 00:33:10,888 --> 00:33:12,190 are our teachers. 779 00:33:12,290 --> 00:33:14,392 Merry Christmas, Mrs. Doyle. 780 00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:16,627 Merry Christmas, Jeff. 781 00:33:16,694 --> 00:33:17,829 Stay beautiful, Kath. 782 00:33:19,964 --> 00:33:21,399 She said I reminded her of you. 783 00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:24,569 See you later, Jake. 784 00:33:26,971 --> 00:33:28,706 Did it have to be Farmer? 785 00:33:28,806 --> 00:33:31,075 He offered me an honest deal at an honest price. 786 00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:33,011 There's nothing honest about him! 787 00:33:33,077 --> 00:33:34,579 He's a pathological liar! 788 00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:39,083 Oh, I thought he was a really nice boy. 789 00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,352 Those are for your mother. 790 00:33:41,419 --> 00:33:43,421 My mom would want me to have one. 791 00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:47,225 I didn't even know that you were selling wreaths this year. 792 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:51,095 He only cares about it now because they're giving away a Nin-- 793 00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:52,597 Night in Chicago. 794 00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,699 Yep. That's a new prize. 795 00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:58,336 At a hotel, I think, in downtown? 796 00:33:58,403 --> 00:34:00,505 [Kathy] That's a peculiar prize for an 11-year-old. 797 00:34:00,571 --> 00:34:02,607 That is a peculiar prize. 798 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,575 Don't you think that's peculiar, Dad? 799 00:34:04,675 --> 00:34:06,511 God bless it. Where the hell is it? 800 00:34:06,577 --> 00:34:08,446 The Phillips head is in the butter dish. 801 00:34:10,081 --> 00:34:11,449 [John] No, that's not it. 802 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:13,351 You know what, Jake? If you wanna win that prize, 803 00:34:13,418 --> 00:34:15,953 you have to do what I tell my kids in class every day. 804 00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:17,622 Make like a vacuum cleaner. 805 00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:20,091 Suck it up and do the work. 806 00:34:20,191 --> 00:34:22,693 -[John groans] -What are you looking for? 807 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:23,928 My gourmet sausage. 808 00:34:24,028 --> 00:34:25,863 How the hell do you lose a sausage? 809 00:34:25,930 --> 00:34:27,065 [Kathy] Dinner is served. 810 00:34:28,866 --> 00:34:31,369 I wanted to eat it with dinner. 811 00:34:31,436 --> 00:34:32,637 We're having salads. 812 00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:35,573 That's why I wanted to eat the sausage. 813 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,208 Well, maybe Elwood ate it, Dad. 814 00:34:37,275 --> 00:34:40,044 'Cause, I mean, he's been pooping so much lately. 815 00:34:40,111 --> 00:34:41,312 He has, hasn't he? 816 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:42,580 You know how I know that? 817 00:34:42,647 --> 00:34:45,083 Because it still hasn't been picked up. 818 00:34:45,149 --> 00:34:47,285 Uh, it snowed. 819 00:34:47,385 --> 00:34:49,320 Hey, that's no excuse, okay? 820 00:34:49,420 --> 00:34:52,924 Tomorrow morning, you, that shovel, backyard. 821 00:34:52,990 --> 00:34:55,993 No, I'm totally supposed to sell wreaths all day tomorrow. 822 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:58,096 Well, too bad. And stop saying "totally." 823 00:34:58,162 --> 00:34:59,097 It's not fair. 824 00:34:59,163 --> 00:35:01,232 Hey, if life was fair, 825 00:35:01,299 --> 00:35:04,001 it would be... a fair. 826 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,170 Okay? But I don't... 827 00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:08,940 I don't see any carnival rides around here, do you? 828 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:10,675 Hmm. 829 00:35:11,909 --> 00:35:13,678 You just made that up, didn't you? 830 00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:15,947 No, I didn't. 831 00:35:16,013 --> 00:35:17,482 It's an old saying. 832 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,017 Listen! 833 00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:25,690 In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit... 834 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:29,660 from thou thy bounty, to Jesus Christ's name... 835 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,963 -he is great. -Amen. 836 00:35:32,029 --> 00:35:35,967 [adult Jake] I was convinced Elwood had pooped more times than any other dog 837 00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:38,536 in the history of the world. 838 00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:40,605 Our yard looked like a vanilla cake 839 00:35:40,671 --> 00:35:43,541 that someone dumped an entire bag of chocolate chips onto. 840 00:35:45,710 --> 00:35:48,613 What's Lizzy doing? She can't help? 841 00:35:48,679 --> 00:35:52,216 You wanted the dog, you pick up after it. 842 00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:54,218 You got the dog before I was born. 843 00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:57,388 Who wanted the dog is irrelevant, Jake. Just pick up the dang poop. 844 00:35:59,857 --> 00:36:00,858 Come here. 845 00:36:02,493 --> 00:36:03,461 Come here. 846 00:36:05,530 --> 00:36:07,465 All right. Take a deep breath. 847 00:36:09,634 --> 00:36:10,535 Go ahead. 848 00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:13,804 You smell that? 849 00:36:13,871 --> 00:36:15,573 -Poo? -No! 850 00:36:15,673 --> 00:36:16,674 Fresh air! 851 00:36:18,543 --> 00:36:20,311 That's all we had, and we loved it. 852 00:36:20,378 --> 00:36:22,313 When I was your age, we didn't have Nintendos. 853 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:23,514 You know what we did? 854 00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:26,350 Built forts in the woods. 855 00:36:26,417 --> 00:36:28,586 We'd gather up old lumber and siding 856 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:31,055 and whatever we could find we'd build, like, 857 00:36:31,155 --> 00:36:33,558 watchtowers and rope ladders... 858 00:36:33,658 --> 00:36:34,892 Trapdoors? 859 00:36:34,992 --> 00:36:36,894 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built trapdoors, too. 860 00:36:37,895 --> 00:36:39,931 -Cool. -Yeah, it was cool. 861 00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:42,366 Yeah, we'd work on it all year round, too. 862 00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:43,668 Kinda like the house? 863 00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:48,406 [laughing] Yeah. Kinda like the house. 864 00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:50,208 Yeah. 865 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:55,613 Cry in a bucket, that dog poops a lot. 866 00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:56,714 Yeah. 867 00:36:56,781 --> 00:36:57,615 Hey. 868 00:36:59,183 --> 00:37:00,718 Don't worry about behind the shed. 869 00:37:00,785 --> 00:37:02,787 Just get the ones around the house, okay? 870 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:06,290 And then when you're done... 871 00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,559 you can varnish these old hockey sticks. 872 00:37:08,626 --> 00:37:09,860 Why? 873 00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:11,729 Because they need to get done, that's why. 874 00:37:11,796 --> 00:37:13,364 Come on, Dad. 875 00:37:13,431 --> 00:37:15,633 You think I like paying taxes and talking to our neighbors? 876 00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:17,235 No. But you gotta do it. 877 00:37:17,301 --> 00:37:18,936 I don't like doing that stuff! 878 00:37:22,373 --> 00:37:23,608 Careful with the varnish. 879 00:37:27,478 --> 00:37:30,748 [Jake] "Careful with the varnish." What am I gonna do? Drink it? 880 00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:32,049 I know how to be careful. 881 00:37:40,658 --> 00:37:41,592 We need to talk. 882 00:37:41,659 --> 00:37:42,994 What are you doing in my room? 883 00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:44,095 I need... 884 00:37:45,296 --> 00:37:46,897 Did Elwood diarrhea on you? 885 00:37:46,964 --> 00:37:48,933 It's varnish. What do you want? 886 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:50,067 I need your help. 887 00:37:50,134 --> 00:37:51,002 With what? 888 00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:52,903 Getting a Cabbage Patch Kid. 889 00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:56,307 Santa didn't get me a She-Ra last year, so I can't trust him. 890 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:58,009 I gotta go through Mom and Dad. 891 00:37:58,109 --> 00:37:59,443 So what do you need me for? 892 00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:02,146 I need you to drop hints for them to get me one. 893 00:38:02,246 --> 00:38:04,615 No way. Why would I wanna help you? 894 00:38:04,682 --> 00:38:07,918 Now, I want a redhead named Abrona Fiona with freckles and a... 895 00:38:07,985 --> 00:38:09,687 Why do you want a dumb doll so bad? 896 00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:13,090 Because I've always wanted a sister. Stop interrupting me. 897 00:38:13,157 --> 00:38:16,193 It looks bad if I'm talking about it all the time to Mom and Dad. 898 00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:19,363 We need a subtle attack, and we gotta act fast. 899 00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:20,931 What are you gonna do for me? 900 00:38:20,998 --> 00:38:23,134 -Tell you how to win a Nintendo. -[chuckles] 901 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,169 You don't know how to win a Nintendo. 902 00:38:25,269 --> 00:38:26,604 Okay, never mind. 903 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:30,808 Wait. 904 00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:33,210 How can I win it? 905 00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:36,614 You promise to help me get a Cabbage Patch Kid? 906 00:38:36,681 --> 00:38:38,149 Yeah, sure. 907 00:38:38,215 --> 00:38:39,050 Promise? 908 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,818 Yes, I promise already. 909 00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:44,221 Okay. You sold two wreaths to Miss Sherman yesterday, right? 910 00:38:46,023 --> 00:38:46,891 How do you know that? 911 00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:48,159 Don't worry about it. 912 00:38:48,225 --> 00:38:50,561 She bought a lot because she's old, right? 913 00:38:50,661 --> 00:38:52,730 Old people buy stuff from kids. 914 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:56,300 So what you need are a bunch of old people all in one place 915 00:38:56,367 --> 00:38:58,402 so you don't have to track them all down. 916 00:38:58,502 --> 00:38:59,737 What's your point? 917 00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:02,506 Prairie Pines, the nursing home. 918 00:39:02,573 --> 00:39:04,175 Two hundred old people, 919 00:39:04,241 --> 00:39:05,476 each with their own door, 920 00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:07,178 perfect for wreath-hanging. 921 00:39:07,978 --> 00:39:09,080 Wow. 922 00:39:11,515 --> 00:39:13,050 That's... 923 00:39:13,150 --> 00:39:14,652 That's a really good idea. 924 00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,854 I know. So we got a deal, or what? 925 00:39:16,921 --> 00:39:18,022 Yeah. 926 00:39:18,089 --> 00:39:20,925 A redhead with freckles. Don't mess it up. 927 00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:23,394 I'll be watching you. 928 00:39:25,596 --> 00:39:29,600 [adult Jake] Prairie Pines nursing home didn't know what was about to hit them. 929 00:39:31,001 --> 00:39:32,870 [exhaling] "Suck it up. Do the work." 930 00:39:37,408 --> 00:39:39,410 Hi, everybody. 931 00:39:40,511 --> 00:39:43,114 -Hi. -Do you like blues? 932 00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:45,783 Hi! You look just like my grandson. 933 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,918 Oh, let me see those cheeks. 934 00:39:48,018 --> 00:39:51,021 [adult Jake] But it turned out, I didn't know what was about to hit me. 935 00:39:51,088 --> 00:39:53,290 Because the World's Fair was here... 936 00:39:53,391 --> 00:39:56,627 and we were celebrating the city's centennial. 937 00:39:56,727 --> 00:40:01,298 You see, Chicago was founded in 1833. 938 00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:05,603 That makes it 100 years to 1933. 939 00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:09,306 Hold on. 940 00:40:29,994 --> 00:40:31,495 It's what he would've wanted. 941 00:40:43,174 --> 00:40:46,076 [adult Jake] It took six hours and ten cups of pudding, 942 00:40:46,143 --> 00:40:50,815 but I managed to sell a whopping 47 wreaths to the nursing home. 943 00:40:50,915 --> 00:40:52,149 All thanks to Lizzy. 944 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:54,452 Hey, Mom. 945 00:40:54,518 --> 00:40:56,854 Did you know that this mall has the largest selection 946 00:40:56,954 --> 00:40:59,924 of Cabbage Patch Kids in all of Chicago? 947 00:41:00,991 --> 00:41:02,693 I didn't know that, no. 948 00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:05,262 Which is good, 'cause they're really flying off the shelves. 949 00:41:09,166 --> 00:41:12,269 He doesn't want a Cabbage Patch Kid now, does he? 950 00:41:12,336 --> 00:41:14,205 -No idea. -Odd. But who knows with these two? 951 00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:16,474 -Hey! What're you doing? -[horn blaring] 952 00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:18,676 Yeah, Wisconsin plates. Shocker. 953 00:41:18,776 --> 00:41:20,845 -Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. -Okay. All right, John... 954 00:41:20,945 --> 00:41:22,813 He's jerking the wheel like he's milking a cow. 955 00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:28,619 [adult Jake] Ah, yes. The annual Doyle Chicago shopping trip. 956 00:41:28,686 --> 00:41:30,221 Also known as my dad's least favorite 957 00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,956 and most expensive day of the year. 958 00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:33,557 You know what I love when you wear? 959 00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:35,159 -What? -Turtlenecks. 960 00:41:35,226 --> 00:41:36,961 Ah. 961 00:41:37,027 --> 00:41:38,729 It's gonna be so cold in Minnesota when we get to my parents' house, 962 00:41:38,829 --> 00:41:40,965 I feel like we should definitely try on a few today. 963 00:41:41,031 --> 00:41:44,568 Yeah, well, turtlenecks, your parents, it's great. 964 00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:45,569 So, yes? 965 00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:46,737 Look at this idiot. 966 00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:47,905 What're you doing? 967 00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,307 Hey! You beeping at me? 968 00:41:50,374 --> 00:41:51,342 [horn honking] 969 00:41:51,408 --> 00:41:52,877 Yeah, I got a horn, too, Miles. 970 00:41:52,977 --> 00:41:54,578 Miles Davis, ladies and gentlemen. 971 00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:56,247 Sorry. 972 00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:57,848 Can we turn on the Christmas carols? 973 00:41:57,915 --> 00:42:00,217 No! No Christmas carols. 974 00:42:00,317 --> 00:42:03,988 Steely Dan. Listen to this. This is good stuff. 975 00:42:05,856 --> 00:42:06,924 Year-round. 976 00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:13,931 [carolers singing] ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪ 977 00:42:14,031 --> 00:42:15,766 ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas 978 00:42:15,866 --> 00:42:17,668 -♪ And a happy New Year ♪ -[John] Elves! 979 00:42:17,735 --> 00:42:19,770 -Hey. Creep me out. -Breathe, John. You have to breathe. 980 00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:23,274 No, it's like a grown man acting that chipper, it's not natural. 981 00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:26,176 -♪ And a happy New...♪ -Back off, Jack! 982 00:42:26,243 --> 00:42:27,745 [Kathy] Sorry. 983 00:42:27,845 --> 00:42:30,581 -Have some self-respect. Jesus. -You have to calm down. 984 00:42:30,681 --> 00:42:31,949 [John] Why are we walking so fast? 985 00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:34,184 [Kathy] Everybody, no bathroom breaks, okay? 986 00:42:34,251 --> 00:42:36,453 You had your chance at home. Do not test me. 987 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,188 God, why is it so hot in here? 988 00:42:38,255 --> 00:42:40,124 We're not stopping for Santa yet, guys, okay? 989 00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:43,360 Hey, is there a bar at the food court? 990 00:42:43,427 --> 00:42:46,864 John, it's barely noon. 991 00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:51,969 Okay, we got Barb her candles, we got the two-for-one turtlenecks... 992 00:42:52,069 --> 00:42:54,305 -Mom, look, there's the Cabbage Patch store. -What are we missing? 993 00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:55,639 -Can we go, Mom? -Yes, 994 00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:58,108 honey, go on. Lead the way. 995 00:42:58,208 --> 00:43:00,044 [Jake] Hey, Mom. Did you know 996 00:43:00,110 --> 00:43:03,480 that Cabbage Patch Kids come with their own birth certificates? 997 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,316 Thought all you cared about was selling wreaths. 998 00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:07,818 Since when are you so interested in Cabbage Patch Kids? 999 00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:09,653 Lizzy really wants one. 1000 00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:12,456 Well, they're very expensive, honey, and they're very hard to find. 1001 00:43:26,670 --> 00:43:28,572 Sold out in 20 minutes. 1002 00:43:28,639 --> 00:43:31,175 Last Patch in all of Chicago. 1003 00:43:31,275 --> 00:43:33,777 You should've seen it. It was ugly. 1004 00:43:33,844 --> 00:43:36,814 One woman punched a grandma right in the throat. 1005 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:38,782 Same family, too. 1006 00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:42,753 Oh, Lizzy. Hey, it's okay. 1007 00:43:42,820 --> 00:43:46,457 You know, I saw some really nice Care Bears on the way in. 1008 00:43:46,523 --> 00:43:48,258 Care Bears are for babies. 1009 00:43:48,325 --> 00:43:49,693 -[sobbing] -Oh. 1010 00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,695 [adult Jake] Poor little Lizzy. 1011 00:43:51,795 --> 00:43:54,131 It kinda made you wanna go over there and wipe her tears 1012 00:43:54,198 --> 00:43:55,366 and give her a big... 1013 00:43:55,466 --> 00:43:58,469 Hold on a second. 1014 00:43:58,535 --> 00:43:59,837 [Nintendo] Hello, Jake. 1015 00:44:00,771 --> 00:44:01,705 Who said that? 1016 00:44:01,805 --> 00:44:03,307 [Nintendo] You know who. 1017 00:44:03,374 --> 00:44:04,508 Nintendo? 1018 00:44:04,608 --> 00:44:06,877 [Nintendo] That's right. Come over here. 1019 00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:08,545 I've missed you, Jake. 1020 00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:10,614 [Kathy] Hey, Jake. Your dad and I are gonna go upstairs 1021 00:44:10,681 --> 00:44:12,182 to get the Fenelons a gift. 1022 00:44:12,282 --> 00:44:15,352 [John] Why? They haven't given us anything. 1023 00:44:15,452 --> 00:44:18,288 [Kathy] Stay down here with the toys and watch your sister, okay? 1024 00:44:19,189 --> 00:44:20,290 [John] Jake. 1025 00:44:21,625 --> 00:44:23,060 -Jake. -Huh? 1026 00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:24,461 Watch your sister. 1027 00:44:25,229 --> 00:44:26,697 Yeah. 1028 00:44:26,797 --> 00:44:29,199 [Nintendo] That's it. Come over here, Jake. 1029 00:44:29,299 --> 00:44:30,968 You know you want to. 1030 00:44:31,035 --> 00:44:34,238 What am I gonna do about my Cabbage Patch Kid now, Jake? 1031 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:36,707 [Nintendo] Forget your sister, Jake. She's useless. 1032 00:44:36,807 --> 00:44:38,742 You should be worried about the wreaths. 1033 00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:40,544 Have you sold enough wreaths? 1034 00:44:40,644 --> 00:44:42,179 I'll do anything to be with you. 1035 00:44:42,246 --> 00:44:43,814 Who're you talking to? 1036 00:44:43,881 --> 00:44:45,649 We need a new plan. 1037 00:44:45,716 --> 00:44:47,918 Jake? Jake? 1038 00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:50,721 [Nintendo] Do you know how many games I have here, Jake? 1039 00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:52,856 I have all the games. 1040 00:44:52,923 --> 00:44:54,758 Way more than Timmy Keane. 1041 00:44:54,858 --> 00:44:56,927 What game would you like to play? 1042 00:44:57,027 --> 00:44:58,195 Joust. 1043 00:44:58,262 --> 00:45:00,164 Pick another one. I don't have that one. 1044 00:45:00,230 --> 00:45:01,598 [Jake] Super Mario Bros. 1045 00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:03,400 -Pick another one. -Defender. 1046 00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:05,869 Hmm, how about Rampage? 1047 00:45:05,936 --> 00:45:07,171 It's loaded up right now. 1048 00:45:07,237 --> 00:45:09,773 Cool. I'll do anything you say. 1049 00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,386 [Nintendo] Very good. Yes. 1050 00:45:22,453 --> 00:45:23,921 You're such a good boy, Jake. 1051 00:45:24,021 --> 00:45:26,623 I can tell, you've got what it takes. 1052 00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:27,758 You really think so? 1053 00:45:27,858 --> 00:45:29,727 [Nintendo] No. I know so. 1054 00:45:32,062 --> 00:45:33,964 [adult Jake] Maybe it was the excitement of the display, 1055 00:45:34,064 --> 00:45:36,100 or just the thrill of playing in public, 1056 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:40,070 but for some reason, I started playing the game of my life. 1057 00:45:40,137 --> 00:45:42,072 Dude, you're on fire. 1058 00:45:42,139 --> 00:45:45,309 [adult Jake] All other distractions became irrelevant. 1059 00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:47,578 My senses had reached a higher state. 1060 00:45:47,644 --> 00:45:50,748 I'd become one with Nintendo. 1061 00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,154 Yeah! 1062 00:45:57,254 --> 00:46:00,324 [Nintendo] Yes, yes. You were born for this moment. 1063 00:46:02,993 --> 00:46:05,395 Whoa! You're amazing! 1064 00:46:05,462 --> 00:46:07,064 What's your name, man? 1065 00:46:07,131 --> 00:46:10,000 [Nintendo] Go ahead. Tell them your name, Jake. 1066 00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:11,168 Say it. 1067 00:46:11,268 --> 00:46:12,402 Jake Doyle! 1068 00:46:12,469 --> 00:46:14,805 [Nintendo] Jake Doyle. Nintendo master. 1069 00:46:14,905 --> 00:46:15,973 [crowd] Jake! Jake! Jake! 1070 00:46:16,073 --> 00:46:17,441 Jake! Jake! Jake! 1071 00:46:17,508 --> 00:46:18,642 Jake! Jake! Jake! 1072 00:46:18,742 --> 00:46:20,778 [all chanting] 1073 00:46:20,844 --> 00:46:22,946 [adult Jake] Before I knew it, the entire mall was chanting my name. 1074 00:46:23,013 --> 00:46:25,415 This was why I needed a Nintendo. 1075 00:46:25,482 --> 00:46:27,284 This was my destiny. 1076 00:46:27,351 --> 00:46:29,353 Nothing could stop me now. 1077 00:46:29,453 --> 00:46:31,789 [Kathy] Jake! Jake! 1078 00:46:31,855 --> 00:46:33,791 [John] Jake Stephan Doyle! 1079 00:46:33,857 --> 00:46:35,425 Where is your sister? 1080 00:46:35,492 --> 00:46:37,161 [stammering] 1081 00:46:37,261 --> 00:46:38,695 What's wrong with you? 1082 00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:40,964 -[Kathy] Lizzy! -[John] Elizabeth! 1083 00:46:41,031 --> 00:46:42,533 You're a dead man, bro. 1084 00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,635 Lizzy! 1085 00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:46,804 Lizzy! Lizzy! 1086 00:46:46,870 --> 00:46:48,005 Lizzy! 1087 00:46:48,105 --> 00:46:50,541 Forget about her, Jake. She's gone. 1088 00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:54,111 Shut up, Nintendo! This is your fault! 1089 00:46:54,178 --> 00:46:57,214 How do you get into homes that don't have chimneys? 1090 00:46:57,314 --> 00:46:58,549 The back door. 1091 00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:01,318 What if it's an apartment with no back door? 1092 00:47:01,385 --> 00:47:02,319 The front door. 1093 00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:04,221 So you know how to pick locks? 1094 00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:05,222 That's me. 1095 00:47:05,322 --> 00:47:06,623 Do you know that's a felony? 1096 00:47:06,690 --> 00:47:09,226 Mom! She's over here! I found her! 1097 00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:10,861 [Kathy] God, Lizzy! 1098 00:47:12,029 --> 00:47:13,730 Oh, my God! 1099 00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,567 Mom, they might still have Cabbage Patch Kids at the North Pole. 1100 00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:17,835 Even ones with red hair. 1101 00:47:17,901 --> 00:47:19,736 Lizzy, we told you to stay with Jake. 1102 00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,238 He was playing the Nintendo. 1103 00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:23,340 [John screaming] God bless it, Jake! 1104 00:47:25,342 --> 00:47:26,310 Are you okay? 1105 00:47:27,477 --> 00:47:28,745 You start playing those games 1106 00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:31,815 your brains turn to mush in, like, three minutes. 1107 00:47:31,882 --> 00:47:33,350 That's your sister! 1108 00:47:33,417 --> 00:47:36,019 It's not like losing your retainer! 1109 00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:38,322 [Kathy] Hold on. 1110 00:47:38,388 --> 00:47:40,357 Five bags here, John. Hold on. 1111 00:47:43,260 --> 00:47:44,661 Open your mouth. 1112 00:47:47,598 --> 00:47:49,099 Open your mouth. 1113 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:50,601 -John. -What? 1114 00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:52,436 -Where's the Marshall Field's bag? -Hey! 1115 00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:54,271 -Jake! -[Kathy] Your turtleneck's in it, John! 1116 00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,273 Jake! 1117 00:47:56,373 --> 00:47:58,609 [adult Jake] The actual cost of my retainer had been explained to me 1118 00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:01,445 in the simple terms of, "If you lose it, don't bother coming home." 1119 00:48:03,447 --> 00:48:04,281 Jake! 1120 00:48:05,115 --> 00:48:06,216 Jake! 1121 00:48:06,283 --> 00:48:07,951 -Hey! -Jake! 1122 00:48:08,051 --> 00:48:09,887 Move! Jake! 1123 00:48:09,953 --> 00:48:12,389 [adult Jake] I figured it cost roughly as much as a new car. 1124 00:48:12,456 --> 00:48:14,057 Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? 1125 00:48:15,392 --> 00:48:16,260 Jake! 1126 00:48:17,895 --> 00:48:19,029 Jake! 1127 00:48:19,863 --> 00:48:20,864 Jake! 1128 00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:22,699 [man] Whoa! 1129 00:48:29,373 --> 00:48:30,874 Jake! Ha! 1130 00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,813 [John sniggering] 1131 00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:37,981 [elf] ♪ Six geese a-laying ♪ 1132 00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:39,082 ♪ Five... ♪ 1133 00:48:39,149 --> 00:48:40,384 ♪ Golden...♪ 1134 00:48:40,450 --> 00:48:42,219 [elf] No, wait! What... [screaming] 1135 00:48:42,286 --> 00:48:43,287 -[John screaming] -[glass shattering] 1136 00:48:44,488 --> 00:48:46,556 Of course! Packer fans. 1137 00:48:47,491 --> 00:48:49,126 [panting] 1138 00:49:05,776 --> 00:49:06,643 [John struggling] 1139 00:49:10,247 --> 00:49:11,515 Oh, my God. 1140 00:49:14,584 --> 00:49:16,353 Hey! 1141 00:49:17,821 --> 00:49:20,857 [adult Jake] Safe. Retainer retained. 1142 00:49:22,793 --> 00:49:24,628 [breathlessly] Okay. 1143 00:49:26,196 --> 00:49:27,631 [exhales] 1144 00:49:27,698 --> 00:49:28,699 [softly] Okay. 1145 00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:37,541 [kids chattering indistinctly] 1146 00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:38,942 [Josh] You let the girls get punched! 1147 00:49:42,179 --> 00:49:43,814 [adult Jake] The best part of the shopping trip 1148 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,316 besides not losing my retainer or my sister 1149 00:49:46,383 --> 00:49:48,952 was that it turns out there's a secret part of the mall 1150 00:49:49,019 --> 00:49:51,455 where old people sit by the piano. 1151 00:49:51,521 --> 00:49:53,957 I sold 22 more wreaths that day. 1152 00:49:54,024 --> 00:49:55,325 How many you got, Jake? 1153 00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:58,295 Um, 93. 1154 00:49:58,362 --> 00:50:00,030 You're selling wreaths, too? 1155 00:50:00,130 --> 00:50:01,465 What's a wreath? 1156 00:50:04,868 --> 00:50:06,470 [radio playing] 1157 00:50:07,237 --> 00:50:08,805 [train chugging] 1158 00:50:09,706 --> 00:50:11,308 [John humming] 1159 00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:17,814 -[Jake humming] -Enough with the dee-doos, for crying out loud, 1160 00:50:17,881 --> 00:50:19,082 I'm trying to listen to this. 1161 00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:20,650 And stop fiddling with the hand plane. 1162 00:50:20,717 --> 00:50:21,985 This is not a toy. See? 1163 00:50:22,753 --> 00:50:23,987 It's sharp. 1164 00:50:25,322 --> 00:50:27,824 [clanking] 1165 00:50:27,891 --> 00:50:31,762 [man on radio] Konroyd over to Larmer. Larmer circling. 1166 00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:33,730 And has his pocket picked by Shane Corson... 1167 00:50:33,830 --> 00:50:34,998 You know... 1168 00:50:35,065 --> 00:50:37,000 If you want, sometime, maybe I can... 1169 00:50:38,268 --> 00:50:40,670 teach you how to use some of those. 1170 00:50:40,737 --> 00:50:42,839 I kinda got a lot going on, Dad. 1171 00:50:42,906 --> 00:50:45,509 Ah... right. 1172 00:50:45,575 --> 00:50:48,345 [man on radio] He dishes back to Larmer. Larmer down the near side, 1173 00:50:48,412 --> 00:50:49,446 over to Savard... 1174 00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:52,182 [louder] He shoots, he scores! 1175 00:50:52,249 --> 00:50:54,284 -Yes! -Denis Savard! 1176 00:50:54,384 --> 00:50:56,386 -Hawks now leading with one! -Yeah, baby! 1177 00:50:56,453 --> 00:50:59,923 -[exclaiming] -And Claude Lemieux is still jawing away. 1178 00:51:00,023 --> 00:51:01,691 Quit your crying, Claude. 1179 00:51:01,758 --> 00:51:03,794 Yeah, you're all talk, no walk. 1180 00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:05,462 Remember that, Jake. Okay? 1181 00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:09,299 A bully like Claude Lemieux is not worth a hill of beans. 1182 00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,301 He's all talk, no walk. 1183 00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,370 Why are we under this bridge, Dad? 1184 00:51:13,437 --> 00:51:15,806 Talk to a guy about the Cabbage Patch Kids. 1185 00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:17,641 You know what they look like, right? 1186 00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:19,376 Why does Lizzy get to get what she wants, 1187 00:51:19,443 --> 00:51:20,911 but I can't get what I want? 1188 00:51:20,977 --> 00:51:22,379 Do you wanna deal with your sister 1189 00:51:22,446 --> 00:51:24,314 if she doesn't get what she wants? 1190 00:51:24,414 --> 00:51:25,715 -No. -Exactly. 1191 00:51:25,782 --> 00:51:27,984 I don't negotiate with terrorists. 1192 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,653 So you just give them what they want? 1193 00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:31,555 -Yeah. You kidding? -[engine revving] 1194 00:51:35,058 --> 00:51:37,060 Okay. That's him. 1195 00:51:37,127 --> 00:51:39,663 Let me do all the talking. Okay? 1196 00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:41,398 This feels kinda scary, Dad. 1197 00:51:41,465 --> 00:51:43,667 Here, I'll take the handsaw. 1198 00:51:43,767 --> 00:51:45,602 Come on. Come on! 1199 00:51:50,974 --> 00:51:52,342 Can I help you boys? 1200 00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:53,410 [John] Yeah. 1201 00:51:54,311 --> 00:51:56,680 Word is that you've... 1202 00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:58,315 come into a little cabbage? 1203 00:51:58,415 --> 00:52:00,250 Officer, please. I'm just standing here. 1204 00:52:00,317 --> 00:52:02,619 I thought maybe you two needed directions, so... 1205 00:52:02,686 --> 00:52:03,954 Relax, I'm not a cop. 1206 00:52:04,020 --> 00:52:06,289 What about 21 Jump Street over here? 1207 00:52:06,356 --> 00:52:07,424 He's not a cop. 1208 00:52:07,491 --> 00:52:08,692 Come on, man. He's 11. 1209 00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,160 Yeah, I don't know that. 1210 00:52:10,260 --> 00:52:12,295 I mean, cops are crazy. You ever see RoboCop? 1211 00:52:12,362 --> 00:52:14,364 That dude's half cop and half robot. 1212 00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:15,365 You ever see that movie? 1213 00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:17,000 My mom wouldn't let me. 1214 00:52:17,100 --> 00:52:18,768 But my friend, Mikey Trotter, saw it. 1215 00:52:18,835 --> 00:52:19,769 Oh... 1216 00:52:19,836 --> 00:52:21,705 Yeah. He's good. You're good. 1217 00:52:21,805 --> 00:52:23,773 He's not a cop, all right? Now, come on. 1218 00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:27,144 Are you gonna sell us a black-market Cabbage Patch Kid, or what? 1219 00:52:27,210 --> 00:52:29,012 Step into my office. 1220 00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:30,881 You boys need anything else while you're here? 1221 00:52:30,981 --> 00:52:34,451 Some Pound Puppies? Kidney? Nintendo? 1222 00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:36,386 -[Jake gasping] -[John] No, just the doll. 1223 00:52:36,486 --> 00:52:38,455 We're gonna need a girl one. 1224 00:52:38,522 --> 00:52:40,690 A redhead with freckles. 1225 00:52:40,790 --> 00:52:42,826 Best Patch in the Tri-City. 1226 00:52:44,895 --> 00:52:46,129 Yeah, that looks good. 1227 00:52:46,196 --> 00:52:47,631 Yeah, does look good. 1228 00:52:47,697 --> 00:52:50,400 So what, are you two having a father-son day? Yeah? 1229 00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:51,668 Something like that? Yeah? 1230 00:52:51,735 --> 00:52:52,736 Need a third? 1231 00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:53,904 Nah, I'm kidding. 1232 00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,406 I do miss my dad... A lot. 1233 00:52:56,506 --> 00:52:59,009 [John] Hey, this redhead doesn't have any freckles. 1234 00:52:59,075 --> 00:53:01,044 Yeah, no, the blond one's got freckles. 1235 00:53:02,145 --> 00:53:03,680 -All right, how much? -$100. 1236 00:53:03,747 --> 00:53:05,649 One hundred? No. 1237 00:53:05,715 --> 00:53:07,017 Yeah, where else you gonna go? 1238 00:53:07,083 --> 00:53:09,019 Every store from Wheaton to Winnetka's out. 1239 00:53:09,085 --> 00:53:10,854 Sixty bucks. 1240 00:53:10,921 --> 00:53:13,890 I got the name of two brothers up in Villa Park selling them for $50. 1241 00:53:13,990 --> 00:53:15,659 You know what? We can go up there right now. 1242 00:53:15,725 --> 00:53:18,094 Yeah, yeah. The Diaz brothers. No, no, no. 1243 00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:20,664 You do not want any of their bald-headed junk. 1244 00:53:20,730 --> 00:53:22,332 Seventy. Last offer. 1245 00:53:24,167 --> 00:53:25,936 Oh, I can't say no to that face. 1246 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:27,237 All right. $70. 1247 00:53:29,606 --> 00:53:31,174 -Comes with a birth certificate. -[Jake] Wow! 1248 00:53:31,241 --> 00:53:33,443 -Dad, that's... -Signed right on the derriere. 1249 00:53:34,911 --> 00:53:35,879 [dealer] Thanks. 1250 00:53:38,381 --> 00:53:39,549 [John snickering] 1251 00:53:39,616 --> 00:53:41,017 Can we ask about the Nintendo? 1252 00:53:41,084 --> 00:53:43,386 I got him down from $100. Can you believe that? 1253 00:53:43,453 --> 00:53:45,222 [chuckles] Lizzy's gonna love it. 1254 00:53:45,288 --> 00:53:47,023 [adult Jake] Did it bother me that my dad went to 1255 00:53:47,090 --> 00:53:49,292 Herculean lengths to get my sister a present? 1256 00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:50,560 Sorta. 1257 00:53:50,627 --> 00:53:53,196 But I was gonna get one on my own. 1258 00:53:53,263 --> 00:53:55,198 [Mr. Halberg] Gentlemen. 1259 00:53:55,265 --> 00:53:58,535 Look deeply into your candle's flame. 1260 00:53:58,602 --> 00:54:01,438 Stare at its dancing light. 1261 00:54:02,739 --> 00:54:05,442 Now, close your eyes. 1262 00:54:06,710 --> 00:54:07,944 What do you see? 1263 00:54:09,145 --> 00:54:12,415 You see the flame, gentlemen. 1264 00:54:12,482 --> 00:54:14,317 It burns even when your eyes are closed 1265 00:54:14,417 --> 00:54:18,221 because we know that even when we blow these candles out... 1266 00:54:18,288 --> 00:54:22,058 the Loyal Ranger Scout flame will never fade. 1267 00:54:22,125 --> 00:54:24,327 -[kid farting] -[children giggling] 1268 00:54:24,427 --> 00:54:25,595 [Mr. Halberg clears throat] 1269 00:54:26,463 --> 00:54:27,631 [sizzling] 1270 00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,568 Okay. 1271 00:54:31,635 --> 00:54:33,470 But I thought Loyal Ranger Scouts were for boys. 1272 00:54:33,570 --> 00:54:35,105 And scouts are supposed to have honor, 1273 00:54:35,171 --> 00:54:36,773 yet you're still here. 1274 00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:38,008 [Mr. Halberg] Lots to get through tonight, gents. 1275 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:39,909 We've got the Pinewood Derby, 1276 00:54:39,976 --> 00:54:41,678 the Loyalty Day parade... Oh... 1277 00:54:41,778 --> 00:54:45,515 I got another 'Nam poem for you entitled "A Tie is Not a Loss." 1278 00:54:45,615 --> 00:54:47,684 Get to the wreaths, Halberg! 1279 00:54:47,784 --> 00:54:50,487 -I'm sorry? -The door necklaces. 1280 00:54:50,587 --> 00:54:51,855 Are you even in this troop? 1281 00:54:51,955 --> 00:54:56,693 [chanting] Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths! 1282 00:54:56,793 --> 00:54:58,028 Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths! 1283 00:54:59,863 --> 00:55:02,532 Okay. Okay! We'll do the wreaths! 1284 00:55:02,632 --> 00:55:05,268 [children cheering] 1285 00:55:05,335 --> 00:55:06,703 Okay. Calm down. 1286 00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:08,371 Now... 1287 00:55:08,471 --> 00:55:10,540 I know you've all been selling very hard this year 1288 00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,843 so we've done our best to make sure that these prizes... 1289 00:55:13,943 --> 00:55:15,011 are special. 1290 00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:18,848 [adult Jake] Oh-ho! Look at that! 1291 00:55:18,948 --> 00:55:22,285 First prize looked even bigger than a normal NES system. 1292 00:55:22,352 --> 00:55:25,989 Who knew what other Nintendo treasures were under there? 1293 00:55:26,056 --> 00:55:28,224 Told you it came with a free Power Pad. 1294 00:55:29,626 --> 00:55:31,061 Okay. [clears throat] 1295 00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:33,730 In third place... 1296 00:55:36,166 --> 00:55:37,734 Jeffery Farmer! 1297 00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:38,802 [kids cheering] 1298 00:55:38,868 --> 00:55:41,071 Nobody cares about third place. 1299 00:55:41,171 --> 00:55:43,873 [adult Jake] Considering Farmer's constant claims to victory, 1300 00:55:43,973 --> 00:55:45,975 this was a delight to us all. 1301 00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:47,844 Anybody had a chance now. 1302 00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:52,649 "Subscription to Boys' Life." 1303 00:55:52,716 --> 00:55:54,417 -[children laughing] -Yes! 1304 00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:55,752 I grew up on that magazine. 1305 00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:57,654 [Mr. Halberg] Great articles. 1306 00:55:57,721 --> 00:55:59,723 And in second place... 1307 00:56:00,724 --> 00:56:02,726 an amazing showing... 1308 00:56:04,728 --> 00:56:05,929 Teddy Hodges! 1309 00:56:06,029 --> 00:56:07,764 No! 1310 00:56:07,864 --> 00:56:09,666 [adult Jake] Sadly, the combined totals of the Hodges twins 1311 00:56:09,733 --> 00:56:11,768 were only good enough for silver. 1312 00:56:13,903 --> 00:56:16,673 It's a globe of the whole world! 1313 00:56:16,740 --> 00:56:17,774 All of it! 1314 00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:22,946 [clanging] 1315 00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:25,215 [adult Jake] There was no second place when it came to Nintendo. 1316 00:56:27,784 --> 00:56:29,586 And now... 1317 00:56:29,686 --> 00:56:32,355 -[Evan] This is it, this is it! -...this year's first prize winner 1318 00:56:32,422 --> 00:56:34,691 of the wreath-selling contest. 1319 00:56:34,758 --> 00:56:39,262 The highest sales total in troop history... 1320 00:56:42,632 --> 00:56:44,200 Jake Doyle! 1321 00:56:44,267 --> 00:56:45,435 [all cheering] 1322 00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:52,475 I won! 1323 00:56:52,575 --> 00:56:55,278 [adult Jake] You can put it on the board! Yes! 1324 00:56:55,378 --> 00:56:56,980 Oh, so many people to thank. 1325 00:56:57,080 --> 00:57:00,283 My friends, my family, the Nintendo Corporation... 1326 00:57:00,383 --> 00:57:01,584 Yes! 1327 00:57:01,651 --> 00:57:03,820 [Mr. Halberg] This year's first prize... 1328 00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:06,156 the best we've had in years... 1329 00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:09,392 -Are you ready, Jake? -Yeah. 1330 00:57:10,994 --> 00:57:13,630 A brand-new set of World Book encyclopedias! 1331 00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,799 What? 1332 00:57:15,899 --> 00:57:18,067 [adult Jake] It was like winning more school. 1333 00:57:18,134 --> 00:57:20,103 No! 1334 00:57:20,170 --> 00:57:23,506 Where is it? [screaming] 1335 00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:26,609 -I hate you, Halberg! -[Mr. Halberg exclaiming] God. 1336 00:57:29,412 --> 00:57:31,514 [adult Jake] It didn't make any sense. Why? 1337 00:57:31,614 --> 00:57:35,251 Why had the troop leaders promised us toys, and then give us books? 1338 00:57:35,318 --> 00:57:38,087 Who could possibly be behind something so terrible? 1339 00:57:38,154 --> 00:57:40,089 So awful, so villainous? 1340 00:57:40,156 --> 00:57:44,427 Dr. Timothy Keane Senior, that's who. 1341 00:57:44,494 --> 00:57:47,664 Parents of Batavia, good evening. 1342 00:57:47,764 --> 00:57:49,332 -Hi. -[adult Jake] Little did we know, 1343 00:57:49,432 --> 00:57:51,701 the night before the wreath award ceremony, 1344 00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:53,369 Dr. Keane had assembled a meeting 1345 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:56,372 with the express purpose of ruining our lives. 1346 00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:59,476 There was an incident in my home recently. 1347 00:57:59,542 --> 00:58:03,279 A member of the Keane family, Lacy Dog Keane... 1348 00:58:03,346 --> 00:58:07,050 was crushed to near death by our 42-inch television set. 1349 00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:10,186 [whispering] 42-inch, that's a really nice television set. 1350 00:58:10,286 --> 00:58:11,554 [whispering] John. 1351 00:58:11,654 --> 00:58:15,058 Now I certainly do not blame my boy, Timmy, 1352 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,961 who is a gifted, generous young man, 1353 00:58:18,027 --> 00:58:22,665 who has recently been diagnosed with something called... 1354 00:58:22,732 --> 00:58:24,400 "Attention Deficit..." 1355 00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:25,902 Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. 1356 00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:29,239 It's very serious... [sighs] 1357 00:58:29,339 --> 00:58:31,708 and it's extremely rare. 1358 00:58:31,808 --> 00:58:33,009 [crying] So rare. 1359 00:58:33,076 --> 00:58:34,310 [kisses and blows] 1360 00:58:34,377 --> 00:58:35,845 [kisses] I love you. 1361 00:58:35,912 --> 00:58:37,146 Could I have the lights, please? 1362 00:58:37,213 --> 00:58:38,147 [clicking] 1363 00:58:40,683 --> 00:58:42,085 Ladies and gentlemen... 1364 00:58:42,185 --> 00:58:45,255 the real culprit of this dog-crippling crime... 1365 00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:46,990 is video games. 1366 00:58:47,056 --> 00:58:49,659 Video games did this. 1367 00:58:49,726 --> 00:58:51,060 -[crowd gasping] -[Mrs. Keane whimpers] 1368 00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:52,595 And this. 1369 00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:53,763 [crowd gasping loudly] 1370 00:58:54,364 --> 00:58:55,265 And this. 1371 00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:57,267 [gasping] 1372 00:58:57,367 --> 00:58:58,935 And this. 1373 00:59:00,703 --> 00:59:01,538 Oh. 1374 00:59:01,604 --> 00:59:03,006 It's the same slide. 1375 00:59:04,007 --> 00:59:07,110 I meant, and this. 1376 00:59:07,210 --> 00:59:09,212 -[John] Still same slide. -God damn it! 1377 00:59:11,014 --> 00:59:12,949 Timmy dumped cheese in here again. 1378 00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:15,685 You know you can't give him cheese, Janice. You know this. 1379 00:59:15,752 --> 00:59:17,120 Pookie. 1380 00:59:19,188 --> 00:59:20,089 [sighs] 1381 00:59:20,723 --> 00:59:22,025 And this. 1382 00:59:22,091 --> 00:59:24,561 [crowd exclaiming] 1383 00:59:24,627 --> 00:59:26,396 -The question is, ladies and gentlemen... -[Mrs. Keane crying] 1384 00:59:26,462 --> 00:59:27,764 [man] Is that a dog? 1385 00:59:27,864 --> 00:59:29,132 ...what are we prepared to do about it? 1386 00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:30,300 We should ban it! 1387 00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:32,201 -Ban it! -Ban it! Ban it! 1388 00:59:32,268 --> 00:59:35,138 -No more dogs are getting crushed in my town! -No more. 1389 00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,973 -We must protect our dogs. -Yes. 1390 00:59:37,073 --> 00:59:39,442 We must protect our community! 1391 00:59:39,542 --> 00:59:41,144 Yes! 1392 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,146 [Mr. Keane] It's modern technology taking over our lives. 1393 00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:45,315 It's only gonna get worse. It's all gonna go downhill from here! 1394 00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:46,950 -[Mrs. Trotter] That's right. -We've gotta stop it! 1395 00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:48,785 We've gotta burn it all, burn it all to the ground. 1396 00:59:48,885 --> 00:59:50,153 -Burn it. -Yeah. 1397 00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,922 Video game over! Video game over! 1398 00:59:52,989 --> 00:59:54,924 Let me hear you. Video game over! Louder. 1399 00:59:54,991 --> 00:59:57,994 [all chanting] Video game over! Video game over! 1400 00:59:58,094 --> 00:59:59,495 -Let me hear you. -[chanting continues] 1401 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:01,264 [softly] Bring it down now. Video game over. 1402 01:00:01,331 --> 01:00:03,499 [adult Jake] Keane's panicked propaganda continued on 1403 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:04,901 well into the night. 1404 01:00:04,968 --> 01:00:07,437 It was a virtual video game Armageddon. 1405 01:00:07,503 --> 01:00:09,806 -[Mr. Halberg] I can feel it! We're so close! -[crowd] Video game over! 1406 01:00:09,906 --> 01:00:11,674 Video game over! 1407 01:00:11,774 --> 01:00:13,743 [adult Jake] And there was nothing we could do about it. 1408 01:00:13,810 --> 01:00:14,978 [Bugs Bunny on TV] No rabbit. 1409 01:00:18,648 --> 01:00:21,517 All those wreaths for nothing. 1410 01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:25,421 Did you know that Australia's chief export is coal briquettes? 1411 01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:28,324 [sighs] 1412 01:00:28,424 --> 01:00:31,361 We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin from Kane County. 1413 01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,329 Thank you, Walter. We're here live in Geneva 1414 01:00:33,429 --> 01:00:36,599 with video game violence activist Dr. Timothy Keane. 1415 01:00:36,666 --> 01:00:39,202 Dr. Keane, it's only eight shopping days now 1416 01:00:39,302 --> 01:00:41,037 until Christmas, and you've managed to pass 1417 01:00:41,137 --> 01:00:44,807 a county-wide ban on selling video game systems. 1418 01:00:44,874 --> 01:00:46,476 -Is that correct? -That is correct. 1419 01:00:46,542 --> 01:00:48,611 Every store in Kane County has agreed to it. 1420 01:00:48,678 --> 01:00:52,348 And you really feel that video games promote violence enough 1421 01:00:52,448 --> 01:00:54,217 to make them illegal? 1422 01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:56,052 Has your dog ever been crushed to near death by your TV? 1423 01:00:56,152 --> 01:00:58,054 No, she has not. 1424 01:00:58,154 --> 01:00:59,956 [Dr. Keane on TV] It's not a pretty sight. Parents need to know the truth. 1425 01:01:00,023 --> 01:01:04,227 These games are pure evil, and they've got to be stopped. 1426 01:01:04,327 --> 01:01:07,030 Video game over! Video game over! 1427 01:01:07,130 --> 01:01:08,898 -Video game over! -[crowd chanting on TV] Video game over! 1428 01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:10,500 He's a podiatrist. 1429 01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:12,168 Sorry, Jake. 1430 01:01:12,235 --> 01:01:13,736 Knock it off, Lizzy. 1431 01:01:13,836 --> 01:01:17,040 No, I was being serious. I know how much you wanted one. 1432 01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:19,742 I had it. 1433 01:01:20,576 --> 01:01:21,577 It was mine. 1434 01:01:23,346 --> 01:01:24,347 But now... 1435 01:01:25,882 --> 01:01:27,216 I'll never get one. 1436 01:01:29,352 --> 01:01:31,421 Here. You can have the remote. 1437 01:01:33,723 --> 01:01:35,024 Thanks, Lizzy. 1438 01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:42,732 She gave you the remote? 1439 01:01:42,832 --> 01:01:46,002 I would never give Charlie the remote. 1440 01:01:46,069 --> 01:01:47,603 You must've been a wreck. 1441 01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:50,339 Duh. They banned Nintendo. 1442 01:01:50,406 --> 01:01:53,109 So, if Batavia banned Nintendo 1443 01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:55,578 and Grandma and Grandpa won't get you one... 1444 01:01:55,678 --> 01:01:58,181 and you're doing all these bad things, all the time... 1445 01:01:58,247 --> 01:02:00,950 -Not all the time. -Yes, all the time. 1446 01:02:01,050 --> 01:02:03,453 You're doing all these things, and no one will get it for you, 1447 01:02:03,553 --> 01:02:04,887 then how did you get it? 1448 01:02:04,954 --> 01:02:06,689 How did you get the Nintendo? 1449 01:02:06,756 --> 01:02:09,225 Okay, calm down. 1450 01:02:09,292 --> 01:02:10,960 Should we take a break? You wanna text Maeve-- 1451 01:02:11,060 --> 01:02:12,228 No! 1452 01:02:12,295 --> 01:02:14,363 I wanna know what happens in the story. 1453 01:02:14,430 --> 01:02:15,364 [sighs] 1454 01:02:17,133 --> 01:02:18,801 You see, Annie... 1455 01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:21,304 sometimes during Christmas... 1456 01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:24,140 just when you think that all hope is lost... 1457 01:02:25,374 --> 01:02:26,976 something magical happens. 1458 01:02:28,277 --> 01:02:31,647 Some people call it a Christmas miracle. 1459 01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:35,118 Well, this miracle happened at the roller rink. 1460 01:02:36,452 --> 01:02:37,887 What's a roller rink? 1461 01:02:38,921 --> 01:02:39,822 [sighs] 1462 01:02:43,993 --> 01:02:47,830 [adult Jake] Six days until Christmas and it was officially official. 1463 01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:50,399 None of us were getting a Nintendo. 1464 01:02:56,072 --> 01:02:58,407 [Evan] My cousin in Elmhurst might get one still. 1465 01:02:58,474 --> 01:03:00,143 That's in Cook County. 1466 01:03:00,243 --> 01:03:01,410 DuPage County. 1467 01:03:01,477 --> 01:03:03,446 -How do you know? -I got encyclopedias. 1468 01:03:03,513 --> 01:03:05,515 [Jeff] Come on, guys. We still got each other. 1469 01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:06,816 -[boy] Watch out! -[gasps] 1470 01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:08,484 [glass breaking] 1471 01:03:08,584 --> 01:03:11,320 -[Jeff] Sorry. -Objectively, I know that's hilarious 1472 01:03:11,420 --> 01:03:15,124 but I just don't have it in me to laugh right now. 1473 01:03:15,191 --> 01:03:17,693 [adult Jake] It was the Hodges' birthday party. 1474 01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:19,595 The dreaded Christmas birthday. 1475 01:03:19,662 --> 01:03:22,498 Not only did the twins have to share a birthday between them, 1476 01:03:22,598 --> 01:03:25,001 they had to share it with Christmas to boot. 1477 01:03:25,101 --> 01:03:28,871 "Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas. Love, Grandma." 1478 01:03:28,971 --> 01:03:30,173 What a rip-off. 1479 01:03:30,273 --> 01:03:33,009 "P.S. This gift is for you two to share." 1480 01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:37,113 -Fresh packs. Who wants to open? -[all] Me! 1481 01:03:40,349 --> 01:03:41,617 -You got Chris Sabo. -Need it. 1482 01:03:41,684 --> 01:03:44,654 Need it. Got it. Need it. 1483 01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:45,955 You gonna eat your gum? 1484 01:03:48,691 --> 01:03:49,625 Ow! 1485 01:03:50,393 --> 01:03:51,494 Mmm... 1486 01:03:51,561 --> 01:03:54,030 Uh, I got a Ripken. Billy Ripken. 1487 01:03:54,130 --> 01:03:55,965 [Tammy] Who cares about Billy Ripken? 1488 01:03:56,032 --> 01:03:57,033 [chuckles in disbelief] 1489 01:03:57,133 --> 01:03:58,201 What? 1490 01:03:58,301 --> 01:03:59,468 What? What is it? 1491 01:03:59,535 --> 01:04:00,903 You guys are not gonna believe this. 1492 01:04:01,003 --> 01:04:03,072 Look! Right there! On his bat! 1493 01:04:03,172 --> 01:04:05,541 -[Jake] Oh, my gosh! -[Evan] A swear word. 1494 01:04:06,309 --> 01:04:07,710 That's a bad one. 1495 01:04:07,810 --> 01:04:09,412 -What does it say? -[Evan] Don't read it out loud. 1496 01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:11,347 I'm not allowed to hear swear words. 1497 01:04:11,414 --> 01:04:13,216 "Swear word dash face." 1498 01:04:13,316 --> 01:04:15,251 Which swear word? A-face? 1499 01:04:15,351 --> 01:04:16,152 Mmm-mmm. 1500 01:04:16,219 --> 01:04:18,221 -S-face? -Mmm-mmm. 1501 01:04:18,321 --> 01:04:20,489 Wait. F-face? 1502 01:04:20,556 --> 01:04:21,324 Bingo. 1503 01:04:21,390 --> 01:04:22,658 It's an error card. 1504 01:04:22,725 --> 01:04:25,428 It's the greatest error card of all time! 1505 01:04:25,528 --> 01:04:26,896 Billy Ripken. 1506 01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:30,700 Ninety-five bucks! 1507 01:04:30,766 --> 01:04:32,034 [cheering] 1508 01:04:32,101 --> 01:04:34,003 Ninety-five dollars? You're a millionaire! 1509 01:04:34,070 --> 01:04:36,873 Yeah, Couple more of those, and you can buy your own Nintendo. 1510 01:04:39,041 --> 01:04:40,209 Guys... 1511 01:04:41,377 --> 01:04:42,778 I got it. 1512 01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:44,046 [Jeff] I don't get it. 1513 01:04:44,113 --> 01:04:45,281 [Jake] What do you mean, you don't get it? 1514 01:04:45,381 --> 01:04:47,083 It's a very clear 15-point plan. 1515 01:04:47,183 --> 01:04:50,086 -I think you spelled "covert" wrong. -[Mikey] Okay. 1516 01:04:50,186 --> 01:04:53,789 The field trip is Monday at 0900 hours to Chicago. 1517 01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:56,926 -So? -So, they still sell Nintendos there. 1518 01:04:57,026 --> 01:04:58,094 So? 1519 01:04:58,194 --> 01:04:59,929 So, we sell some baseball cards, 1520 01:05:00,029 --> 01:05:01,464 get some money... 1521 01:05:01,564 --> 01:05:03,599 we sneak out of the field trip and buy our own Nintendo. 1522 01:05:03,699 --> 01:05:06,469 Oh, now I get it. But wait, how's that 15 steps? 1523 01:05:06,569 --> 01:05:08,571 That's like... three. 1524 01:05:08,638 --> 01:05:10,306 I don't know. We could get in trouble. 1525 01:05:10,406 --> 01:05:13,376 I can't get in trouble now. It's almost Christmas. 1526 01:05:13,442 --> 01:05:14,810 Forget Christmas. 1527 01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:17,713 This is bigger than Christmas. 1528 01:05:17,780 --> 01:05:23,052 [Jake] This is our one and only chance to get a Nintendo. 1529 01:05:23,119 --> 01:05:25,454 One that we can play on our own. 1530 01:05:25,554 --> 01:05:27,823 We don't have to worry about taking our boots off, 1531 01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:29,258 or getting in line... 1532 01:05:29,325 --> 01:05:31,227 or any of that stuff. 1533 01:05:31,294 --> 01:05:33,329 We can totally do this! 1534 01:05:34,830 --> 01:05:38,000 -This is our Vietnam. -[Mikey] Yeah. 1535 01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:41,003 I don't think that means what you think it means. 1536 01:05:41,103 --> 01:05:43,406 I have no idea what it means. 1537 01:05:43,472 --> 01:05:45,007 But who's with me? 1538 01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:46,075 I'm in. 1539 01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:52,281 Check, check. Over. 1540 01:05:52,348 --> 01:05:53,683 Check, check. Over. 1541 01:05:54,417 --> 01:05:55,651 [both] We're in. 1542 01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:13,636 I'm in. 1543 01:06:13,703 --> 01:06:15,104 Nope. 1544 01:06:15,171 --> 01:06:16,305 -[Tammy] Forget it. -What? 1545 01:06:16,372 --> 01:06:17,773 Baseball cards, Farmer. 1546 01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:20,109 Come on! What's a guy gotta do? 1547 01:06:20,810 --> 01:06:21,877 Olsen? 1548 01:06:33,622 --> 01:06:34,824 [sighs] 1549 01:06:36,325 --> 01:06:38,661 We're gonna get in so much trouble. 1550 01:06:38,728 --> 01:06:39,862 [all cheering] 1551 01:06:41,831 --> 01:06:45,167 [all] One, two, three, Nintendo! 1552 01:06:45,234 --> 01:06:48,537 [all cheering] 1553 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:51,340 [all cheering] 1554 01:06:51,407 --> 01:06:52,508 [Jake] Got it! 1555 01:06:52,575 --> 01:06:53,576 Nice, Tammy. 1556 01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:55,211 [Evan] Safe and secure. 1557 01:06:55,311 --> 01:06:56,812 Here we go! 1558 01:07:22,905 --> 01:07:25,775 [Annie] Oh, no! Not Jagorski. 1559 01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:27,243 What's he gonna do? 1560 01:07:27,343 --> 01:07:28,944 I'll give you a hint. 1561 01:07:29,045 --> 01:07:30,780 Nothing good. 1562 01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:33,616 [Mrs. Hugo] It's my favorite field trip. Off to the Art Institute. 1563 01:07:33,716 --> 01:07:35,284 -Duffle bag? -Check. 1564 01:07:35,384 --> 01:07:37,086 -Blanket? -Check. In the bag. 1565 01:07:37,186 --> 01:07:38,454 -Walkie-talkies? -Check. 1566 01:07:38,554 --> 01:07:39,889 Camouflage, check. 1567 01:07:39,955 --> 01:07:42,358 Not necessary, Farmer. But I like the spirit. 1568 01:07:42,425 --> 01:07:44,360 Personally, I prefer a woodland pattern, 1569 01:07:44,427 --> 01:07:45,895 you know, for urban combat. 1570 01:07:45,961 --> 01:07:47,463 [Jeff] I agree. 1571 01:07:47,563 --> 01:07:48,798 How are you feeling, Olsen? 1572 01:07:48,898 --> 01:07:50,599 Not good. [gags] 1573 01:07:50,699 --> 01:07:51,567 Perfect. 1574 01:07:54,103 --> 01:07:56,305 Nice Trapper Keeper, Doyle. 1575 01:07:56,405 --> 01:07:58,474 I heard it's good for money management. 1576 01:07:59,241 --> 01:08:01,143 [Jake struggling] 1577 01:08:01,243 --> 01:08:02,745 [Josh growls] 1578 01:08:02,812 --> 01:08:04,547 -That's ours! -Not anymore. 1579 01:08:04,613 --> 01:08:06,115 You can't do that! 1580 01:08:06,215 --> 01:08:08,984 Oh, yeah? And what are you gonna do about it? 1581 01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:11,620 Yeah. That's what I thought. 1582 01:08:11,720 --> 01:08:14,123 Your Nintendo's mine. [grunts] 1583 01:08:14,223 --> 01:08:16,091 [laughs wickedly] 1584 01:08:16,158 --> 01:08:17,259 [Josh] What up, Miss Hugo? 1585 01:08:17,326 --> 01:08:18,561 Oh, man. This is so bad. 1586 01:08:18,627 --> 01:08:20,496 I don't think it could get any worse. 1587 01:08:20,596 --> 01:08:22,565 Jake Doyle. 1588 01:08:22,631 --> 01:08:23,933 Where do you think you're going? 1589 01:08:23,999 --> 01:08:25,601 On the bus to the Art Institute? 1590 01:08:25,668 --> 01:08:26,902 Not like that. 1591 01:08:27,670 --> 01:08:29,738 No boots, no field trip. 1592 01:08:33,309 --> 01:08:37,012 [adult Jake] At first, I thought, "Maybe no one will notice." 1593 01:08:37,113 --> 01:08:41,117 Hey, everybody! Jake Doyle's wearing girls' boots! 1594 01:08:41,183 --> 01:08:43,018 [children laughing] 1595 01:08:46,288 --> 01:08:47,590 [mockingly] They're so pretty. 1596 01:08:48,457 --> 01:08:50,192 I have the same kind. 1597 01:08:50,292 --> 01:08:53,596 Reoccurring nightmares of Freddy Krueger and the '84 Cubs 1598 01:08:53,662 --> 01:08:55,264 quickly fell to the wayside. 1599 01:08:55,331 --> 01:08:57,500 It was a bad dream come to life. 1600 01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:01,537 Wow! Nice boots, Doyle. 1601 01:09:01,637 --> 01:09:04,974 Hey, why don't you come back and have a seat? 1602 01:09:07,309 --> 01:09:09,478 Hey, you wanna hear about my ant farm? 1603 01:09:09,545 --> 01:09:12,381 They're all dead. The uncles are still alive, though. 1604 01:09:12,481 --> 01:09:13,883 [knuckles thumping] 1605 01:09:17,353 --> 01:09:19,522 [adult Jake] The entire plan hung in the balance. 1606 01:09:19,622 --> 01:09:23,526 And I was stuck next to a kid eating erasers like Tic Tacs. 1607 01:09:23,626 --> 01:09:25,561 Erasers are good. Do you want one? 1608 01:09:25,661 --> 01:09:27,229 -No. -All right. 1609 01:09:32,801 --> 01:09:36,138 ♪ When you're Runnin' into first Then you feel a juicy burst♪ 1610 01:09:36,205 --> 01:09:38,974 ♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea ♪ 1611 01:09:39,041 --> 01:09:42,411 ♪ When you're Sliding into third And you feel a juicy turd♪ 1612 01:09:42,511 --> 01:09:45,314 ♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea♪ 1613 01:09:45,381 --> 01:09:48,918 ♪ When you're sliding into home And your pants Are full of foam♪ 1614 01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:51,387 ♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea♪ 1615 01:09:53,556 --> 01:09:54,723 We're almost to the spot. 1616 01:09:54,823 --> 01:09:56,659 Olsen's getting nervous. What do we do? 1617 01:09:56,725 --> 01:09:58,160 I don't know. 1618 01:09:58,227 --> 01:09:59,428 Just initiate phase one and I'll think of something. 1619 01:09:59,528 --> 01:10:00,529 Okay. 1620 01:10:05,501 --> 01:10:07,269 [whispering] What about the money? 1621 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,605 [exhales] 1622 01:10:09,705 --> 01:10:11,273 Mrs. Hugo. 1623 01:10:11,373 --> 01:10:13,242 -Evan, what are you doing out of your seat? -I don't feel good. 1624 01:10:13,342 --> 01:10:14,777 Okay, I... We're gonna be... 1625 01:10:14,877 --> 01:10:17,046 Don't be scared of Jagorski, he's only big in size. 1626 01:10:17,112 --> 01:10:18,514 Think of something happy. 1627 01:10:18,581 --> 01:10:21,750 Tell me your favorite letters of the alphabet. 1628 01:10:21,850 --> 01:10:25,054 In order, mine are T, K, A, I, E... 1629 01:10:25,120 --> 01:10:27,690 O, U, Q, X. 1630 01:10:29,725 --> 01:10:33,395 Well, well, look at what we got here. 1631 01:10:33,462 --> 01:10:35,798 We gotta get the Nintendo now. I can-- 1632 01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:39,101 Not listening to you, Doyle. The money's mine. 1633 01:10:39,201 --> 01:10:41,136 -We gotta go now, or-- -Or else? 1634 01:10:42,805 --> 01:10:44,273 Are you gonna make me? 1635 01:10:44,373 --> 01:10:48,277 Go back and sit with your dork girlfriend 1636 01:10:48,377 --> 01:10:50,145 in your girl boots! 1637 01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:50,980 [thudding] 1638 01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:52,815 Are you gonna cry now? 1639 01:10:52,915 --> 01:10:54,083 [Josh crying mockingly] 1640 01:10:56,752 --> 01:10:58,654 [adult Jake] And that's when it hit me. 1641 01:10:58,754 --> 01:11:02,591 Connor Stump wasn't a weirdo. He was a rebel. 1642 01:11:02,658 --> 01:11:04,493 He didn't care about being called names. 1643 01:11:04,593 --> 01:11:06,929 He didn't care about bullies, so why should I? 1644 01:11:06,996 --> 01:11:08,831 Nintendo or not, 1645 01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:11,500 Jagorski had been King of the Mountain for too long. 1646 01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:14,270 [Josh mockingly] "I'm wearing feminine footwear. 1647 01:11:14,336 --> 01:11:16,071 "Why did I bring it to school? 1648 01:11:16,138 --> 01:11:18,907 "My little mommy put flowers on my shoes!" 1649 01:11:18,974 --> 01:11:21,677 You're all talk, no walk, Jagorski. 1650 01:11:21,777 --> 01:11:24,013 You're not worth a hill of beans. 1651 01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:26,649 Wha... What does that mean? 1652 01:11:26,749 --> 01:11:28,651 It means you're just a sad little bully. 1653 01:11:28,751 --> 01:11:31,687 And if you don't give me back my Trapper Keeper right now 1654 01:11:31,787 --> 01:11:33,956 the only one crying is gonna be you, 1655 01:11:34,023 --> 01:11:35,591 buttface! 1656 01:11:36,592 --> 01:11:37,693 Now! 1657 01:11:38,694 --> 01:11:40,095 Okay, okay. 1658 01:11:40,829 --> 01:11:42,264 [timidly] Okay. 1659 01:11:42,331 --> 01:11:45,868 And my mom got me these boots. And I hate them, too! 1660 01:11:45,968 --> 01:11:47,770 But I love my mom. 1661 01:11:55,044 --> 01:11:56,679 -[Evan] I know, I... -Sit down. 1662 01:11:56,779 --> 01:11:59,882 Just tell me what it is. I mean, is it your stomach? 1663 01:11:59,982 --> 01:12:01,717 Do you actually think that maybe you could have... 1664 01:12:01,817 --> 01:12:03,552 [children screaming] 1665 01:12:03,652 --> 01:12:04,953 [school bus braking] 1666 01:12:05,020 --> 01:12:06,955 [children clamoring] 1667 01:12:07,022 --> 01:12:10,392 Just sit down! Sit down, everybody, okay? 1668 01:12:10,492 --> 01:12:13,062 [Mrs. Hugo] Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? 1669 01:12:14,830 --> 01:12:16,699 [Jake] Get the alarm! Get the alarm! 1670 01:12:16,799 --> 01:12:17,900 [Mikey] Walkies. 1671 01:12:19,301 --> 01:12:20,736 Open the door! 1672 01:12:20,836 --> 01:12:22,571 All right, go, go, go! 1673 01:12:22,671 --> 01:12:24,006 [alarm ringing] 1674 01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:26,709 Yippee-ki-yay, Doyle! 1675 01:12:26,809 --> 01:12:29,745 Red Dog, this is Blue Bird. Approaching the mall. Over. 1676 01:12:29,845 --> 01:12:31,080 Blue Bird, this is Rambo One. 1677 01:12:31,180 --> 01:12:33,048 -What happened to Red Dog? -I changed it. 1678 01:12:33,148 --> 01:12:34,817 We're allowed to change names now? 1679 01:12:34,883 --> 01:12:36,919 Let's just start over. 1680 01:12:37,019 --> 01:12:40,422 Rambo One, this is Millennium Falcon Super Cool. 1681 01:12:40,522 --> 01:12:42,057 [whooping] Love it! 1682 01:12:42,157 --> 01:12:43,592 Approaching Michigan Avenue. 1683 01:12:47,229 --> 01:12:49,498 -Careful there, kid. It's slippery. -Thanks. 1684 01:12:50,199 --> 01:12:51,767 Sorry. Excuse me. 1685 01:12:53,702 --> 01:12:56,105 Coming through. Sorry. 1686 01:12:56,205 --> 01:12:57,873 [adult Jake] Our testing had made it clear. 1687 01:12:57,940 --> 01:13:00,275 Two cans of SpaghettiOs in Olsen's stomach 1688 01:13:00,376 --> 01:13:02,745 equaled roughly nine minutes of vomit. 1689 01:13:02,845 --> 01:13:04,780 That was our window to buy a Nintendo 1690 01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:08,183 and make it back to the bus before Olsen ran out of puke. 1691 01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:13,789 Excuse me. 1692 01:13:13,889 --> 01:13:16,258 As long as I didn't run into any major obstacles 1693 01:13:16,358 --> 01:13:18,460 I figured I'd be good to go-- Oh, God! 1694 01:13:18,560 --> 01:13:21,697 Video game over! Video game over! 1695 01:13:21,764 --> 01:13:23,098 Are you kidding me? 1696 01:13:25,234 --> 01:13:27,436 Rambo One, we have a problem. 1697 01:13:27,536 --> 01:13:29,471 What's the problem, Millennium Super whatever? 1698 01:13:29,571 --> 01:13:31,907 Your mom and Mrs. Keane are here. 1699 01:13:31,974 --> 01:13:33,375 -What? -[Jake over radio] I repeat, your mom 1700 01:13:33,442 --> 01:13:34,910 and Mrs. Keane are outside the store. 1701 01:13:34,977 --> 01:13:36,578 I can't get past them without them seeing me. 1702 01:13:36,645 --> 01:13:38,046 -Don't go in there. D -Don't go in that store. 1703 01:13:38,113 --> 01:13:40,082 Don't spend your money. Stay in school! 1704 01:13:40,149 --> 01:13:42,251 Get your mom under control, Trotter! 1705 01:13:42,317 --> 01:13:43,886 [groans] Darn it! 1706 01:13:43,952 --> 01:13:45,320 Jake, what are we gonna do? 1707 01:13:45,421 --> 01:13:47,122 I don't know. That's why I'm calling you. 1708 01:13:47,222 --> 01:13:48,457 Abort! Abort! 1709 01:13:48,557 --> 01:13:49,825 -[both] No! -No. 1710 01:13:49,925 --> 01:13:52,060 No abort. We just need to get them out of the way. 1711 01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:58,167 Maybe we could page them over the intercom? 1712 01:13:58,267 --> 01:14:00,135 Tell them they have a call. 1713 01:14:00,235 --> 01:14:02,070 Guys, there's a payphone across the street. 1714 01:14:02,137 --> 01:14:06,575 Yes! Okay. How's Olsen? Give me a puke check. 1715 01:14:06,642 --> 01:14:08,177 [Mrs. Hugo] Your poor little tummy-- 1716 01:14:10,946 --> 01:14:13,982 Okay, feeling bad for you. I'm feeling very bad. 1717 01:14:14,082 --> 01:14:15,017 Okay! 1718 01:14:15,117 --> 01:14:16,618 Could I get some help here? 1719 01:14:16,685 --> 01:14:19,988 I knew I should've kept dancing in Vegas. Knew it. 1720 01:14:20,088 --> 01:14:22,024 He ate a whole bag of candy corn for breakfast. 1721 01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:24,259 -We should be good. -Okay, we can make it to the payphone, Jake. 1722 01:14:24,326 --> 01:14:25,427 But what do we say? 1723 01:14:25,494 --> 01:14:28,096 I don't know. Something good. 1724 01:14:28,163 --> 01:14:29,531 Something good like what? 1725 01:14:29,631 --> 01:14:31,700 -I don't know! Make something up. -[groans] 1726 01:14:31,800 --> 01:14:34,536 Did someone say "make something up"? 1727 01:14:39,875 --> 01:14:42,878 [woman over PA system] Paging Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. Keane 1728 01:14:42,978 --> 01:14:44,847 please come to the white courtesy phone. 1729 01:14:44,947 --> 01:14:46,849 You have an emergency phone call. 1730 01:14:46,949 --> 01:14:48,684 -I'm Mrs. Keane. -What's going on? 1731 01:14:48,784 --> 01:14:49,885 Oh, my gosh! An emergency? 1732 01:14:50,819 --> 01:14:51,887 Let's go. 1733 01:14:51,987 --> 01:14:53,822 [Mrs. Keane] I hope it's not Timmy. 1734 01:14:53,889 --> 01:14:54,990 He said something about stabbing our water bed this morning. 1735 01:14:55,057 --> 01:14:56,124 It worked! 1736 01:14:57,493 --> 01:15:00,295 Okay, I'm going in. Keep them on the phone. 1737 01:15:00,996 --> 01:15:01,997 Copy that. 1738 01:15:02,064 --> 01:15:03,198 Doing good. 1739 01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:06,001 Oh, hey, here it is. 1740 01:15:09,004 --> 01:15:10,739 -Hello? -Hello, Mrs. Trotter. 1741 01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:13,375 -[Mrs. Keane over phone] No. -I mean, Mrs. Keane. Right. 1742 01:15:13,475 --> 01:15:15,477 -Who is this? -This is your nephew. 1743 01:15:15,544 --> 01:15:17,646 I don't have a nephew. 1744 01:15:17,713 --> 01:15:21,850 I know you don't have a nephew. That's exactly why I'm calling. 1745 01:15:21,917 --> 01:15:24,319 I'm with the International Nieces and Nephews Collective. 1746 01:15:24,386 --> 01:15:26,555 The International Nieces and Nephews Collective? 1747 01:15:26,655 --> 01:15:28,257 -That's right. -What's that? 1748 01:15:28,357 --> 01:15:29,892 Well, we're based in Canada. 1749 01:15:29,992 --> 01:15:32,895 -[in Canadian accent] Oh, you are, eh? Hi. -Canada. 1750 01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:37,933 Four minutes, Super Falcon. You got this. 1751 01:15:38,033 --> 01:15:41,069 -That doesn't make any sense. -Makes perfect sense if you think about it. 1752 01:15:41,169 --> 01:15:43,372 You don't have a nephew, you would like a nephew, 1753 01:15:43,438 --> 01:15:44,873 the Collective is here to help. 1754 01:15:44,940 --> 01:15:46,074 -Can you make any sense of this? -Sure. 1755 01:15:46,174 --> 01:15:47,776 -Uh, hello? -Hello? 1756 01:15:47,876 --> 01:15:49,778 I just wanted you to know making prank calls is very wrong. 1757 01:15:49,878 --> 01:15:51,947 Super Cool, come in. Farmer's losing them. 1758 01:15:52,047 --> 01:15:53,749 You've gotta hurry. 1759 01:15:53,849 --> 01:15:55,450 -[Nintendo] Where's your sister, Jake? -Shut up, Nintendo. 1760 01:15:55,551 --> 01:15:57,719 And it's also against the law. 1761 01:15:57,786 --> 01:15:59,521 You wanna know what else would be criminal? 1762 01:15:59,588 --> 01:16:01,456 Letting your son go another holiday season 1763 01:16:01,557 --> 01:16:05,360 without experiencing the joys of sponsoring an adopted cousin. 1764 01:16:05,427 --> 01:16:07,563 We're just trying to spread joy to the world. 1765 01:16:07,629 --> 01:16:08,530 [both] Aw. 1766 01:16:08,597 --> 01:16:09,464 That makes sense. 1767 01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:10,766 -That's nice. -Yeah. 1768 01:16:10,866 --> 01:16:13,101 She bought it. Someone believed me. 1769 01:16:13,201 --> 01:16:15,137 [Mrs. Trotter over phone] I can hear you. 1770 01:16:15,237 --> 01:16:18,740 Sorry, ma'am, but this is a matter of national security. 1771 01:16:18,807 --> 01:16:20,208 All right. You're feeling better? 1772 01:16:20,275 --> 01:16:21,977 Can we go back in the bus now? 1773 01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:24,146 Yeah, he's dry heaving. You're good. 1774 01:16:25,814 --> 01:16:28,650 Olsen is dry! Repeat! We are out of puke! 1775 01:16:28,750 --> 01:16:30,652 -And I'm your nephew. -Okay. You know what? 1776 01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:33,155 I think now you're starting to mock me and this is harassment. 1777 01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:34,323 -Good bye. -Hello? 1778 01:16:34,423 --> 01:16:35,791 -Hello? -[dial tone beeping] 1779 01:16:35,891 --> 01:16:36,959 Drat! 1780 01:16:41,830 --> 01:16:44,333 I lost them, I lost them, I lost them. 1781 01:16:44,433 --> 01:16:45,734 And Farmer is off the phone. 1782 01:16:45,801 --> 01:16:47,836 [Mikey over comms] Repeat. Farmer's off the phone. 1783 01:16:47,936 --> 01:16:51,340 Look out for Keane and my mom. 1784 01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:54,176 -[Mrs. Trotter] I don't understand either. -[Mrs. Keane] Was it a survey? 1785 01:16:54,276 --> 01:16:56,178 [both continue indistinctly] 1786 01:16:56,278 --> 01:16:57,512 [Jake] Excuse me. 1787 01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:04,353 Oh, God. 1788 01:17:04,453 --> 01:17:06,121 I got past them, I'm in the clear! 1789 01:17:06,188 --> 01:17:08,023 [Mikey over comms] The bus is moving, Jake. 1790 01:17:08,123 --> 01:17:10,092 The stoplight is still the rendezvous. You're gonna make it. 1791 01:17:10,158 --> 01:17:11,660 [adult Jake] This was it. This was it. 1792 01:17:11,760 --> 01:17:14,363 Victory was mine. I could taste it. 1793 01:17:15,097 --> 01:17:16,465 Yes. Yes. 1794 01:17:17,032 --> 01:17:18,367 No! 1795 01:17:27,142 --> 01:17:28,110 [slow motion screaming] No! 1796 01:17:29,945 --> 01:17:31,713 [all] No! 1797 01:17:43,025 --> 01:17:44,192 That can't be good. 1798 01:17:47,696 --> 01:17:49,498 -[thumps] -Damn. 1799 01:17:51,800 --> 01:17:55,637 So, you're not gonna get what you wanted for Christmas. 1800 01:17:55,704 --> 01:17:58,740 Ain't gonna lie. That's a tough one, kid. 1801 01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:01,076 You could give me the Nintendo you have in your trunk. 1802 01:18:01,176 --> 01:18:04,212 I said you're not gonna get what you wanted for Christmas this year. 1803 01:18:04,312 --> 01:18:07,082 One year, for Christmas, when I was a kid, 1804 01:18:07,182 --> 01:18:09,418 know what I wanted? I wanted a donkey. 1805 01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:11,853 A donkey. Can you believe that? 1806 01:18:11,920 --> 01:18:14,923 Yeah. Be kind of a weird thing to make up. 1807 01:18:15,724 --> 01:18:17,259 Well, I did. 1808 01:18:17,359 --> 01:18:20,429 All November, all December, that's all I could think about. 1809 01:18:20,529 --> 01:18:22,197 All I could talk about. 1810 01:18:22,264 --> 01:18:25,033 Donkey this, donkey that. How am I gonna get this donkey? 1811 01:18:26,368 --> 01:18:28,336 And guess what happened Christmas morning? 1812 01:18:28,403 --> 01:18:30,772 -You got a donkey? -No. 1813 01:18:30,872 --> 01:18:32,174 Who gets a donkey? 1814 01:18:32,240 --> 01:18:33,675 No. I... 1815 01:18:33,742 --> 01:18:37,446 No. I realized that I spent the whole Christmas season 1816 01:18:37,546 --> 01:18:39,448 worrying about something I wanted 1817 01:18:39,548 --> 01:18:42,851 and I stopped appreciating what I already had. 1818 01:18:42,918 --> 01:18:45,087 Was it like a hamster or dog or something? 1819 01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:48,523 No, my family. My life. 1820 01:18:48,590 --> 01:18:50,792 You know, you only get so many Christmases, kid. 1821 01:18:50,892 --> 01:18:52,961 You gotta make them count. 1822 01:18:53,061 --> 01:18:57,065 Hey, I bet you haven't even told somebody "Merry Christmas" this year, have you? 1823 01:19:01,303 --> 01:19:03,572 All right, come on, get up. I'll get you a cab. Come on. 1824 01:19:04,106 --> 01:19:05,741 Yo! Taxi! 1825 01:19:11,279 --> 01:19:13,281 Let's get you back with your field trip. 1826 01:19:16,251 --> 01:19:17,886 -Where's you headed? -Art Institute. 1827 01:19:17,953 --> 01:19:20,455 Drop him off at the side door on Monroe. 1828 01:19:20,555 --> 01:19:22,090 -Okay? -Got it. 1829 01:19:22,157 --> 01:19:24,126 Tell security you got lost. 1830 01:19:24,226 --> 01:19:26,795 Is there any way I can pay you back somehow? 1831 01:19:26,895 --> 01:19:29,397 Nah. I fleeced your dad for that Patch. 1832 01:19:29,464 --> 01:19:30,665 You gotta do me a favor, though. 1833 01:19:30,766 --> 01:19:32,834 -What's that? -Have a Merry Christmas. 1834 01:19:38,440 --> 01:19:41,076 -[Christmas bells jingling] -[horse neighing] 1835 01:19:50,685 --> 01:19:53,288 Wake up, wake up. Is it time yet? 1836 01:19:53,355 --> 01:19:54,623 Is it time yet, Jake? 1837 01:19:57,926 --> 01:19:58,927 Let's go! 1838 01:19:58,994 --> 01:19:59,961 [festive music playing] 1839 01:20:04,166 --> 01:20:05,167 [whispering] Wow! 1840 01:20:07,602 --> 01:20:10,105 [adult Jake] Ten years of visual unwrapping experience 1841 01:20:10,172 --> 01:20:14,209 I could tell right away there was no Nintendo under that tree. 1842 01:20:14,309 --> 01:20:18,180 Fat ladies standing by quietly warmed their vocal chords. 1843 01:20:18,280 --> 01:20:21,850 Lizzy, no opening the presents until we pass them out. 1844 01:20:21,950 --> 01:20:23,852 You know the rules. 1845 01:20:23,952 --> 01:20:25,287 [rattling] 1846 01:20:26,121 --> 01:20:27,055 Legos? 1847 01:20:27,155 --> 01:20:28,690 Let's just get this over with. 1848 01:20:29,825 --> 01:20:30,959 Okay... 1849 01:20:31,993 --> 01:20:33,328 Let's have some Christmas. 1850 01:20:35,463 --> 01:20:36,865 And... 1851 01:20:36,965 --> 01:20:40,302 -[John] three, two, one... -Merry Christmas! 1852 01:20:40,368 --> 01:20:43,004 It's Christmas morning, 1988. 1853 01:20:43,071 --> 01:20:44,372 Opening our presents! 1854 01:20:44,472 --> 01:20:47,042 -Looking good. -Merry Christmas. 1855 01:20:47,142 --> 01:20:48,577 [Kathy] Merry Christmas. 1856 01:20:48,677 --> 01:20:50,712 -Okay, hold on. -Cheese. 1857 01:20:53,048 --> 01:20:54,149 [Lizzy giggling] 1858 01:20:54,216 --> 01:20:55,650 [Kathy] Boop. Boop. 1859 01:20:55,717 --> 01:20:57,419 -[John] How are you, Jake? -Boop. 1860 01:20:57,519 --> 01:20:58,920 [John] Cheer up! 1861 01:20:59,020 --> 01:21:00,689 [Kathy] Merry Christmas. 1862 01:21:00,755 --> 01:21:01,857 [John] Thank you, honey. 1863 01:21:03,525 --> 01:21:05,994 [John] Come on, buddy. Thumbs up. 1864 01:21:06,061 --> 01:21:07,362 Great, all right, cool. 1865 01:21:14,736 --> 01:21:17,339 [gasping] Leg warmers. 1866 01:21:17,405 --> 01:21:23,245 [exclaiming] What? I got a sander. 1867 01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:25,447 Bookends? 1868 01:21:25,547 --> 01:21:27,749 For your encyclopedia set. 1869 01:21:27,849 --> 01:21:29,618 Great. 1870 01:21:29,718 --> 01:21:31,686 And they have baseballs on them. 1871 01:21:31,753 --> 01:21:32,621 I see that. 1872 01:21:34,589 --> 01:21:36,691 A Cabbage Patch Kid! 1873 01:21:39,394 --> 01:21:41,463 Wow! Freckles! 1874 01:21:43,098 --> 01:21:45,233 I'm sorry it's not a redhead. 1875 01:21:47,936 --> 01:21:50,772 Thank you so much. I love you. 1876 01:21:50,872 --> 01:21:51,940 I love you, too. 1877 01:21:53,441 --> 01:21:54,809 [loud buzzing] 1878 01:21:54,910 --> 01:21:56,711 Another great Christmas. 1879 01:21:56,778 --> 01:22:00,415 You know, every holiday that I spend with you guys 1880 01:22:00,482 --> 01:22:02,484 is a real blessing. 1881 01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:04,119 [shouting] What? 1882 01:22:04,219 --> 01:22:07,055 I said, "Every holiday that I spend with you guys..." 1883 01:22:07,122 --> 01:22:08,623 John. John! 1884 01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:10,992 John. 1885 01:22:11,092 --> 01:22:12,160 [sander stopping] 1886 01:22:12,260 --> 01:22:13,561 Do you have to do that right now? 1887 01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:16,498 Yeah, but... You gave it to me. 1888 01:22:17,766 --> 01:22:19,167 Okay. 1889 01:22:19,267 --> 01:22:21,569 Never mind, honey. I feel like the moment just passed. 1890 01:22:23,605 --> 01:22:25,440 [thudding] 1891 01:22:25,507 --> 01:22:28,009 -[gasps] -[adult Jake] And that's when I saw it. 1892 01:22:28,109 --> 01:22:29,577 [barks] 1893 01:22:29,644 --> 01:22:32,781 It was the exact size and shape of the box I'd held in my hands 1894 01:22:32,847 --> 01:22:34,149 not three days before. 1895 01:22:37,786 --> 01:22:42,290 "To Jake. From Uncle Dan." 1896 01:22:42,357 --> 01:22:45,927 Of course. Crazy rich Uncle Dan. 1897 01:22:45,994 --> 01:22:49,297 Huh. A gift from Uncle Dan. 1898 01:22:49,364 --> 01:22:51,866 You haven't gotten as much as a postcard in the last three years. 1899 01:22:51,967 --> 01:22:53,868 Where's he living again now? 1900 01:22:53,969 --> 01:22:55,036 Japan. 1901 01:22:55,136 --> 01:22:56,838 [adult Jake] Japan. Japan. 1902 01:22:56,938 --> 01:22:58,306 Home of Nintendo. 1903 01:22:58,373 --> 01:23:00,475 The land where dreams come true. 1904 01:23:00,542 --> 01:23:02,811 Oh, God, don't mess with me now. 1905 01:23:04,145 --> 01:23:05,847 It's got your name on it, Jake. 1906 01:23:07,382 --> 01:23:09,184 [John] What'd he say he was sending? 1907 01:23:09,284 --> 01:23:10,485 I have no idea. 1908 01:23:14,289 --> 01:23:16,157 Come on, come on. 1909 01:23:16,224 --> 01:23:18,026 It has to be. It has to be. 1910 01:23:19,361 --> 01:23:20,829 [adult Jake] Lite-Brite? 1911 01:23:20,895 --> 01:23:21,896 Lite-Brite? 1912 01:23:21,997 --> 01:23:23,298 Lite-Brite. 1913 01:23:23,365 --> 01:23:25,734 Japanese Lite-Brite. 1914 01:23:25,834 --> 01:23:28,536 Wow! Lite-Brite! 1915 01:23:28,636 --> 01:23:30,238 -Yeah. -Jake, that's fun. 1916 01:23:30,338 --> 01:23:34,409 You know, for a second there, I thought it was a Nintendo. 1917 01:23:34,509 --> 01:23:36,044 [laughs] 1918 01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:38,913 [adult Jake] As I slowly tried to grasp the situation 1919 01:23:39,014 --> 01:23:42,417 I began to fear that I might never recover from this. 1920 01:23:42,517 --> 01:23:46,755 This was a tragedy so great that I'd never go to prom, 1921 01:23:46,855 --> 01:23:49,758 never go to college, never leave the house. 1922 01:23:49,858 --> 01:23:53,528 I'd become a 30-year-old balding man in his parents' basement 1923 01:23:53,595 --> 01:23:57,532 making elaborate pictures of Zelda on his Lite-Brite. 1924 01:23:57,599 --> 01:24:00,268 Christmas was dead to me now. 1925 01:24:00,368 --> 01:24:01,736 -Hello? -Hey, Trotter. 1926 01:24:01,836 --> 01:24:03,371 -Hey. -You didn't get one either? 1927 01:24:03,438 --> 01:24:06,174 -Nah, I got a Chia Pet. -You got a Chia Pet? 1928 01:24:06,241 --> 01:24:07,442 The Hodges struck out, too. 1929 01:24:07,542 --> 01:24:10,245 Yeah, yeah. I heard about the Hodges. 1930 01:24:10,345 --> 01:24:13,715 They just got a new bike... to share. 1931 01:24:13,782 --> 01:24:15,450 Yep. 1932 01:24:15,550 --> 01:24:17,452 Farmer says he got one, but he also says he got a jetpack. So... 1933 01:24:17,552 --> 01:24:18,586 Yeah, right. 1934 01:24:18,686 --> 01:24:20,789 I guess we all struck out. 1935 01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:21,890 Well, I gotta go. 1936 01:24:21,956 --> 01:24:23,024 -See ya. -See ya, man. 1937 01:24:23,091 --> 01:24:24,059 [line disconnects] 1938 01:24:24,893 --> 01:24:26,094 [sighs] 1939 01:24:27,896 --> 01:24:30,865 [Annie] Wait a second. So, you didn't get one? 1940 01:24:30,932 --> 01:24:32,901 None of your friends got one? 1941 01:24:32,967 --> 01:24:35,103 What kind of a story is this? 1942 01:24:35,203 --> 01:24:37,305 Whose Nintendo were we even playing? 1943 01:24:39,307 --> 01:24:41,443 Here, come with me. 1944 01:24:44,112 --> 01:24:46,815 [Kathy] ...gifts for Granny and Grandpa are in the blue bag. 1945 01:24:46,915 --> 01:24:48,650 [Kathy speaking indistinctly] 1946 01:24:50,251 --> 01:24:52,754 We're going to Minnesota for three days, Kathy. 1947 01:24:52,821 --> 01:24:54,722 You've been in our car. I've seen you in it. 1948 01:24:54,789 --> 01:24:56,124 You know how big it is. 1949 01:24:56,224 --> 01:24:58,226 John, you're getting a little bit of a tone. 1950 01:24:58,293 --> 01:25:00,328 I feel like maybe we should leave tomorrow morning. 1951 01:25:00,428 --> 01:25:02,497 No. I'm not hitting traffic. 1952 01:25:02,597 --> 01:25:04,099 -Jake! -What? 1953 01:25:04,165 --> 01:25:05,500 Oh. 1954 01:25:05,600 --> 01:25:08,169 Hey, there's still a ton of poop in the backyard. Okay? 1955 01:25:08,269 --> 01:25:10,171 So, get a shovel and pick it up. 1956 01:25:10,271 --> 01:25:12,173 Why? I mean, come on. Please? 1957 01:25:12,273 --> 01:25:13,508 It's Christmas. 1958 01:25:17,278 --> 01:25:18,146 Fine. 1959 01:25:23,952 --> 01:25:27,188 Come on. Pick them up and put them down, buddy. 1960 01:25:27,288 --> 01:25:29,257 -We gotta go. -Yep. 1961 01:25:29,324 --> 01:25:31,593 [John] Hey, start with the ones behind the shed. 1962 01:25:41,836 --> 01:25:44,873 Dad! The floodlights! 1963 01:25:46,641 --> 01:25:50,011 [adult Jake] And there, high above the frozen dog poo 1964 01:25:50,111 --> 01:25:52,180 that had become the bane of my existence 1965 01:25:52,280 --> 01:25:56,618 was the most beautiful structure I had ever laid my eyes on. 1966 01:25:56,684 --> 01:25:57,886 Whoa! 1967 01:25:57,986 --> 01:25:59,354 A tree fort. 1968 01:25:59,454 --> 01:26:03,291 A spectacular, solid-wood tree fort. 1969 01:26:05,293 --> 01:26:07,962 Oh, it was breathtaking. 1970 01:26:19,908 --> 01:26:21,209 Wow. 1971 01:26:22,677 --> 01:26:24,579 Wowee. 1972 01:26:26,481 --> 01:26:28,316 It has a trapdoor! 1973 01:26:28,383 --> 01:26:33,087 Your dad was up all night finishing it. 1974 01:26:35,990 --> 01:26:38,092 No, careful by the paint! 1975 01:26:38,193 --> 01:26:39,227 It still looks wet. 1976 01:26:45,233 --> 01:26:48,036 Dad! It's awesome! 1977 01:26:49,437 --> 01:26:51,172 I'm gonna get the video camera. 1978 01:26:51,940 --> 01:26:53,741 Nah, nah. 1979 01:26:53,841 --> 01:26:55,376 -No? -Nah. 1980 01:26:56,778 --> 01:26:58,046 Let him be. 1981 01:27:07,522 --> 01:27:08,389 [sighs] 1982 01:27:09,757 --> 01:27:10,892 [chuckles] 1983 01:27:10,959 --> 01:27:12,627 So, Dad... 1984 01:27:12,727 --> 01:27:15,797 the Nintendo was here in the fort, right? 1985 01:27:15,897 --> 01:27:18,433 It was somewhere hidden in here? 1986 01:27:18,533 --> 01:27:19,801 Nope. 1987 01:27:19,901 --> 01:27:21,302 Then how'd you get it? 1988 01:27:21,402 --> 01:27:24,439 I never got it as a present. I had to work for it. 1989 01:27:24,539 --> 01:27:27,809 Spent a whole summer caddying at Prairie Pines Golf Course. 1990 01:27:27,909 --> 01:27:31,446 Then Grandpa said I could buy my own. 1991 01:27:31,546 --> 01:27:35,483 But I'll tell you what, this tree fort turned out to be a pretty great present. 1992 01:27:37,051 --> 01:27:38,319 Mmm-hmm. 1993 01:27:38,419 --> 01:27:40,622 It's my favorite place at Grandma and Grandpa's. 1994 01:27:41,589 --> 01:27:42,590 Me, too. 1995 01:27:44,592 --> 01:27:46,995 [Kathy] Dinner's ready! Come on in! 1996 01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:49,764 Grandma! Hi, Grandma! 1997 01:27:49,831 --> 01:27:52,100 Hey, Mom! Didn't know you guys were back. 1998 01:27:52,166 --> 01:27:53,401 Well, we are. 1999 01:27:53,468 --> 01:27:55,069 Now get your buns in here and give me a hug. 2000 01:28:18,459 --> 01:28:19,360 Phew. 2001 01:28:22,964 --> 01:28:24,032 [sniffing] 2002 01:28:25,333 --> 01:28:26,768 Smell that? 2003 01:28:26,834 --> 01:28:28,269 [inhaling deeply] 2004 01:28:28,336 --> 01:28:29,470 Fresh air? 2005 01:28:30,538 --> 01:28:32,373 Fresh air. 2006 01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:35,043 Hockey stick slats turned out okay, huh? 2007 01:28:37,845 --> 01:28:39,314 Thanks for your help. 2008 01:28:40,481 --> 01:28:41,616 [clicking] 2009 01:28:41,683 --> 01:28:44,018 Here. Carve your initial. 2010 01:28:44,118 --> 01:28:47,021 Every good craftsman leaves their mark. 2011 01:28:47,121 --> 01:28:48,823 That's a good spot. 2012 01:28:50,358 --> 01:28:51,359 There you go. 2013 01:28:52,493 --> 01:28:54,729 [John] There, you got it. Yeah. 2014 01:28:55,663 --> 01:28:57,632 Not bad. 2015 01:28:57,699 --> 01:29:02,136 Maybe this summer we could add a lookout tower. 2016 01:29:02,970 --> 01:29:03,971 Totally. 2017 01:29:04,505 --> 01:29:05,573 Totally. 2018 01:29:07,809 --> 01:29:11,245 [adult Jake] Peacefully, my mind unfolded all the tree fort adventures 2019 01:29:11,346 --> 01:29:13,014 that undoubtedly lay ahead. 2020 01:29:13,081 --> 01:29:15,750 Flashlight campouts with Olsen and the Hodges 2021 01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:18,186 ridiculous ghost stories from Farmer 2022 01:29:18,252 --> 01:29:22,156 and late-night skygazing with Trotter for Soviet spy planes. 2023 01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:27,528 And then a dog was crushed by a TV. 2024 01:29:27,595 --> 01:29:30,431 Oh, and Mom, Dad skipped out on a field trip. 2025 01:29:30,531 --> 01:29:32,433 It was the most crazy story I've ever heard. 2026 01:29:32,533 --> 01:29:34,502 Thank you. Crazy and exciting and amazing. 2027 01:29:34,569 --> 01:29:38,339 So, that was the first thing you and Grandpa built together, right? 2028 01:29:38,406 --> 01:29:40,074 Yes, Annie, but I had a point. 2029 01:29:40,174 --> 01:29:41,943 I know your point, Dad. 2030 01:29:42,043 --> 01:29:44,045 I'm not getting a phone, 2031 01:29:44,112 --> 01:29:45,947 but Christmas can still be great. 2032 01:29:46,848 --> 01:29:49,717 That... Yeah, pretty much. 2033 01:29:49,784 --> 01:29:51,419 But you left out the best part. 2034 01:29:51,519 --> 01:29:53,888 Yes. Our matching purple floral boots. 2035 01:29:53,955 --> 01:29:56,290 Katie Sorrentino, I would never. 2036 01:29:56,391 --> 01:29:57,959 -[Kathy] Okay. -Really? 2037 01:29:58,059 --> 01:30:01,763 Those boots were $11.99, and I thought they looked great. 2038 01:30:01,863 --> 01:30:03,431 [Annie] No, Dad. 2039 01:30:03,531 --> 01:30:05,733 That was the Christmas you and Grandpa found your thing. 2040 01:30:14,942 --> 01:30:18,045 Which is a miracle, too, 'cause that man could not find anything. 2041 01:30:18,112 --> 01:30:19,147 [both chuckle] 2042 01:30:37,565 --> 01:30:38,666 [sighs] 2043 01:30:41,135 --> 01:30:42,637 Thanks, kiddo. 2044 01:30:42,737 --> 01:30:44,906 You think maybe we could borrow some of his tools 2045 01:30:44,972 --> 01:30:46,507 and work on the fort tomorrow? 2046 01:30:48,109 --> 01:30:49,143 Yeah. 2047 01:30:50,411 --> 01:30:51,813 I think he'd like that. 2048 01:30:54,682 --> 01:30:58,019 [adult Jake] Turns out John Doyle was more than just a guy who yelled a lot 2049 01:30:58,119 --> 01:31:00,421 and could never quite finish the kitchen. 2050 01:31:00,488 --> 01:31:02,156 He was a magician. 2051 01:31:02,824 --> 01:31:03,991 He was a hero. 2052 01:31:04,992 --> 01:31:07,328 He was my dad. 2053 01:31:09,764 --> 01:31:11,265 Come on. 2054 01:31:11,332 --> 01:31:12,500 Gotta hit the road. 2055 01:31:13,668 --> 01:31:15,269 Don't wanna hit any traffic. 2056 01:31:16,304 --> 01:31:17,305 Okay. 2057 01:31:20,341 --> 01:31:21,442 [groans] 2058 01:31:25,480 --> 01:31:26,514 All right. 2059 01:31:31,853 --> 01:31:33,454 -Hey, Dad? -Yeah? 2060 01:31:35,189 --> 01:31:37,158 Merry Christmas. 2061 01:31:37,225 --> 01:31:38,960 Merry Christmas, Jake. 140709

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.