Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature

There's actually something, um, we... Um, me and your dad,

something we wanted to...

...talk to you... all... about.

Some of which is potentially quite emotive terrain.

But the main thing to get across...

- Is that everything is... - Absolutely fine.

There's nothing whatsoever to be worried...

- Or alarmed. - Or even...

It is all gravy.

Me and your dad...

...we've decided to start seeing other people.

- Together. - Yes.

- In tandem. - At the same time.

- Different people. - But still together, me and your dad.

- So very much as we are now. - But with some extra...

- ...sex... - Sex.

...outside the usual.

I mean, at most, we're probably talking...

I mean, really, we haven't really found time as yet to...

- No. - ..really pin down...

No, that's true.

We're very much in the early stages of...

- ..discussing. - Mm.

And, honestly, in truth,

we don't really foresee any of this affecting any of you...

- No! - ..In any practical sense.

Chances are hardly any effect at all, truth be told.

And, obviously, we wanted to be

as honest with all of you as we possibly can

because we know, we understand, that this is somewhat of a departure.

But only a really very small one.

So, we wanted to give you an opportunity

to be able to ask us any...

- Anything. - ..questions or...

Feedback.

Comments?

- Wait... - What?!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

- Oh, my God! - Wow, this is like nothing I've...

ever...

So, just a... The plan...

...is... to stay together?

- Exactly. - Absolutely, 100%.

- OK, so stay together... - Unquestionably.

- No-one is going anywhere. - And also to see...?

- Other people, that's right. - And just sex, or...?

- Absolutely, just sex. - Yes, exactly.

So, no love?

No, what this is NOT about is love.

- No, it's just sex. - So, you're not breaking up?

- No! - No, the opposite.

Fuck!

So, how many?

Like, um, what's the deal with, um...?

I mean, how many people

- have you and Dad...? - What?

I'm saying in terms of trying to get a sense of...

- Well... - ..the overall... scale.

So far, it's really only been, like...

Oh, OK.

That's it?

- So, just, really, just...? - Just... just the one.

Well, I guess, that's actually sort of nowhere near as bad

as what I had in my head, so...

I thought you were going to say you're part of, some, like,

epic, suburban, sex network.

Fifty Shades Of Hertfordshire.

Obviously, that's the goal longer-term, but, um...

- I was joking! Sorry. - Mum! Oh, my God!

Definitely, probably, way too soon for those sort of jokes.

Wait, wait, but what about...?

Love...

Oh, love...

I'm fine.

- No, it's OK. - Hey, it's all right to be...

I'm sorry.

- No. - No!

Sorry.

Might... Might just...

You want some water or...?

I might... I might... I might go out.

- You want to go outside? - Yeah.

No, but, like, out-out.

Would you like one of us to come with you?

Maybe just Naomi.

Actually, maybe, like, the three of us, we could...?

- Whatever you want. - Yeah.

Any word from Claire?

Nothing.

Marc?

Mm-nm.

You know what's funny?

Almost nothing.

No, I mean...

If we were in some kind of alternative whatchamacallit,

and we didn't know each other, and we met...

...and you said to me, "Hello, Alan, would you like to have

"guilt-free extra-marital sex with me?"

I would probably bite your fucking hand off.

You can bite my fucking hand off right now if you like.

Wonder who you'd be with.

Oh, probably what was her...? What was her...?

- Julia Bratolyubov. - Yes!

Although I do find it slightly chilling

you're still able to remember her full name.

Well, play your cards right, and I might tell you her middle name.

Oh, you know who you'd be with?

With the camera, what was his...?

Lawrence?

Lawrence!

Um, we saw Rita and she gave us a...

Cherry clafoutis.

We saw Rita and she gave us a cherry clafoutis.

Oh, my God!

Mm.

Wow!

Mm-hm.

Please don't get divorced.

We're not going to get divorced.

Morning.

Some toast?

Cereal?

I'm good.

I'm about to head out, so I'll see you...

...later.

Well...

Bye.

Good weekend, Nilesh?

Dishwasher's playing up again.

We took out this insurance.

15 quid a month, takes care of all the repairs.

And if you have to call out an engineer three times,

and they still can't fix it, you get a new machine.

What they don't tell you,

is that you've got to disconnect the old machine yourself.

And they'll deliver a new machine, but they won't install it.

And on top of that,

they won't even take the old machine away!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

I think, what you're doing...

I think it's sort of amazing.

I get it.

I do.

And...

...I'm up for it.

I am. I am.

But what I'm not interested in is fucking up someone's marriage, OK,

and what I'm DEFINITELY not interested in is fucking up my job.

- I like it here. I'm good at it. - Claire...

So, that's all I'm going to say.

- Listen... - Those are my terms.

- Claire, I... - No histrionics.

- I... I completely... - No psychodrama.

- I... I honestly... - And no getting in the way of the work.

I... Listen, I completely...

The last thing I want

is for you to be put in any kind of awkward position.

Alan!

I am trying to be serious here and all you're giving me is smut!

I just...

Guys, sorry, you're being summoned.

So, they're called The Breakfast Club

and their website lists things like, Tina Turner,

The Pointer Sisters, Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross...

Great. It's great. Great, so...

So, I've e-mailed the website for a quote.

- Let's see what happens. - OK.

Now, raffle.

Prizes.

Hey? Where are we up to?

- There's a few... - Well...

_

_

_

Oh, my God.

SHE LAUGHS Lawrence!

Joy.

Wow!

This is such a headfuck.

Not least because, only the other day we were...

You look, I mean, shit, you look almost exactly...

I mean, not exactly-exactly, that would be...

- Physically impossible. - No!

- So do you, by the way. - No, I look like shit.

- Not true! - Whoa.

That is a basket full of condoms

- and lube. - Oh, shit...

Well, you know me, better safe than sorry.

Shit. I thought you were living in... Don't say it!

- Cornwall, wasn't it? - Finsbury Park.

No, I thought Janine said to me that you were...

Janine Shaner?

Yeah, cos you weren't at the last couple of reunions.

Well, I mean, she was almost right. We used to live down that way.

So what brings you back to good old...?

Oh, um, my dad, actually.

My dad.

Oh, no, is everything...?

Er, well, he's... He's not been doing too good, so, er...

- No, Lawrence, I'm so sorry. - I appreciate that.

Sorry.

- I am so sorry, Lawrence, I just... - No, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I, er... I, um...

I'm supposed to, er...

It's all right.

Joy, hi, hi.

Jason. Hi, hi, hello! Sorry I missed you.

Ah, don't worry about it. Joy, is this a good time to talk?

Yes. Yes, it is.

I've just been thinking about the other night.

Yeah...

I mean, obviously, I had no idea you two were related.

Jason, I wonder if we ought to wait

until our next session together rather than...

Yeah, but we're meeting up, that's the thing.

We're going to be meeting up again so...

Yeah, no, no, that's right.

- That's why I'm suggesting that we... - No me and Laura.

Oh, OK.

The thing is, Jason...

...with everything that's going on,

the most important thing here is you, Jason,

and the work that you've been doing.

It is so important that you continue your work...

So, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean, "continue"?

Jason, we can't...

I mean, I have to refer you on.

I have to be able to be impartial.

I'm so sorry.

Jason?

- Jason, are you still...? - I'm still here.

Are you sure you're not trying to get rid of me cos you're sick of me?

Oh, Jason, the last thing I am is sick of you

or trying to get rid of you.

What I would love for us to do

is sit down together in person

and go through everything in detail.

Yeah, makes sense.

Good. Good! Thank you, Jason.

I'll see you later.

Sorry, Joy, I've gotta head back.

Oh.

Er, the bloke in the glasses is looking after all your sheaths.

Right!

- I'm sorry, there isn't more time... - It's been so good to...

Well, I mean, I'm around

for a couple of days anyway, so if you...?

Right.

- So, what did you say? - Gave him my e-mail.

I felt sorry for him.

Christ, I hope you don't mind.

No, I think you should. Be interesting.

So, what was he...? What was he like?

Sorry to go back. Just to check that I've...

Um, Marvin is...?

I would say Marvin is no longer in the picture.

And his replacement, for want of a...

Now in his place...

- Is Marc. - With a C.

But I wouldn't... necessarily...

I mean, they're quite different.

- OK. - Yeah, prospects.

- I see. - As people.

Which is good. It's a good thing, I think.

I really like the fact that he's um... He's a bit more relaxed.

Jubilant.

Ebullient.

He's easy on the eye.

He's fun!

The situation

with your eldest daughter?

Yeah, she doesn't know that I know who Jason is.

Remind me again.

He's a young professional,

married reasonably young, and his wife, she...

And he, in the 18 months or so since,

he's been having quite a lot of casual sex.

Often in public.

I think he's quite afraid...

...of love.

I think, at the moment, love feels like too much of a risk.

Too demanding.

Casual sex, on the other hand,

I think, at the moment, appeals because it's relatively risk-free.

You know, it's excitement and, um,

adrenaline instead of...

...worry and fear.

And in terms of your daughter...

...is there a plan?

Do you plan, for that matter,

on telling her the truth?

I hope you like gnudi. They're distant cousins of the dumpling.

Means "naked", apparently.

Who doesn't like a dumpling?

Er, sit down, sit. I'm just going to...

Insert joke about not letting your naked dumplings catch fire...

- Yeah! - ..or something...

OK.

You sure?

Sure you're sure? Cos we don't have to be doing this, you know.

No, I know.

I... I mean, are you all right?

Me? I'm ecstatic.

No, I just don't want this to be weird.

Then stop making it weird.

It's not like shoving a spoon inside a pudding.

No, you gotta, like...

You gotta, like, start off slow.

Just... Just lips first

and you don't need to move your head around so much.

So, just... lips.

Soft.

- No tongues. - OK, cool.

Worse or better?

Again?

Sure.

Holy shit.

What shall I say?

Who's Selina?

Fuck, she's year above.

Ah, I really don't want to come to a house party with a bunch of...

I know, look, I know, I get it,

I totally get it, but I just... I... I...

All right! All right... SHE LAUGHS

Sound like you're having a Tourette's explosion.

When is it?

Hello, Marc with a C.

Hello, Joy with a degree.

- How's your daughter? - Ah, which one?

How many you got?

Is she more or less angry than the first one?

Oh, less.

Hey, Marc, I had a really lovely time with you the other night.

Uh-oh.

No, but I just need to be really clear with you.

I'm married.

I have three children,

the aforementioned two and another one, a son. He's called Tom.

And I love my husband, he's a fucking wonder,

and I love my kids, so what I don't need is more love

or someone else who needs things from me.

I have that. I have that in spades.

And when we finish our noodles here, I'm going to go home,

and I'm going to lie down, next to my husband,

in the same bed we've been sleeping in for the best part of 20 years,

and I'm going to think about how to improve my relationship

with my kids. So, if any of this upsets you, anything I've said,

or offends you or makes you uncomfortable...

The only thing that I'm going to question is the legitimacy

of the whole bed situation.

If you've been sleeping in the same bed

for the best part of 20 years, that shit is RANK!

Scout's honour, all I want to do is just eat some decent noodles.

As for the other shit,

I'm too emotionally stunted to hold down a full-time job, let alone a...

And, yeah, sure, in an ideal world,

we'd maybe beat each other's cheeks off every once in a while.

But other than that?

So, how...

How long have you and Mum been working together?

About a year, give or take.

Hang on, I don't understand.

So, you work at the zoo, but you're not a zookeeper?

- First-aider. Part-time. - And the rest of the time?

You ever heard of medical role-play?

I have.

- I do a bit of that, too. - No, you do not.

Swear down.

And forgive me, Marc with a C, you make enough money from...?

No, no, no, I live with my sister, mortgage-free, rent-free.

Ah, living the dream.

I had a breakdown a couple of years back

and the only reason that I went for a job at the Zoological Society

was because I'd just had my rabies jab

which meant I could pretty much start straightaway.

Oh, my God, Marc, I'm so sorry.

I can't even imagine...

You motherfucker!

Argh!

The bit about the rabies jab was true,

but, no, I don't really do anything.

And, Joy, I am telling you, it is fucking sweet-as, mate.

So, originally, when they released it in France,

the voice-over was in French.

Oh, OK.

Cos the director's French.

Oh, well, that's... Which would...

It's not one person doing the voice-over,

- it's two people doing it. - Oh, that's cool.

And it's two people doing it in the first person,

because they just really want to tell this story

of these two penguins falling in love with each other.

Ooh, and when they have their baby chicks,

there's another person doing a voice-over for the chicks!

Ah.

But then, when, you know, they released it in America,

- I mean, they changed it. - No.

They changed the voice-over completely.

No!

They got Morgan Freeman to do it.

- To do all of it! - Typical.

Look, anyway, that's... blah.

This version's the one I prefer.

So, I mean, your French must be really good.

I mean, if you can understand all this?

_

I had no idea.

_

Um...

Ready?

Mm-hm.

OK, so, it starts off slow.

And it was all improvised, so just don't expect...

You just have to let it, you know, do its thing.

Mmm.

What's the weirdest shit you've ever had to deal with?

Ah, categorically, none of your business.

All right, then.

Tell me...

Tell me, why you do it.

Well, if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't need to do it.

That's clever and shit, but it's not an answer.

Well, OK, um, I love the fact

that psychoanalysis really, truly tries

to stake a claim for our vastness.

Can you...?

Can you smell that?

I think it might be bullshit?

In which case, OK, all right, think of this, think of it like this.

OK, you're meeting someone for the first time, and you're at a party...

- Now, I'm with you. - You get talking...

Give it to me.

...and you might start thinking to yourself,

"OK, well, this is going quite well,

"but, shit, I don't want to, you know, say that thing about myself,

"or reveal that other thing, cos I don't want this person

"thinking I'm some kind of unsavoury character."

I'm all about the unsavoury characters, by the way.

"I don't want them figuring out who I am, at least, not yet."

Well, the amazing thing about psychoanalysis,

it doesn't believe in any of that.

Because we aren't quote-unquote really anything.

There is no, one, single

quote-unquote real version of any of us.

Whether we like or not,

we are infinite,

- and irreducible, and... - So, um...

This is me.

Um, this was fun.

It was.

Hey, good luck sleeping in your rank bed.

I think... Is there someone?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my sister. She worries like a motherfucker.

OK, well, goodnight, Marc.

Goodnight, Joy.

- Hello, driver. - Hey!

Wow, Alan...!

Sorry, yeah, we may have smoked a little weed.

I'll say.

Is driving a good idea?

They say it actually improves spatial awareness.

No, they don't!

No, they don't. No.

- So, how was it? - How did it go?

- It was really, really fun. - Yeah, I had an amazing time.

Oh, oh! Christ, that's Arctic!

It's like that bit in... Titanic.

God, I hated that film.

I'll just... Yeah...

I mean, I think, weirdly...

Because the thing I've really loved,

the thing I've really loved doing with you, and as far as I can tell,

it is only with you, at the moment, anyway,

the getting stoned and the talking shit, er...

Weirdly, that stuff,

that stuff,

it's, like, at the moment, Alan,

um, I only want to do that stuff...

...with you.

So, weirdly, that's the bit I can't, um...

That's the bit I'm having trouble getting my head around having to...

...share.

So, that's why I'm saying that, maybe...

...it's more complicated than you think.

For me.

Maybe... Maybe, for you,

maybe it's completely different for you, in which case...

Claire, um...

What you're saying, it's...

It makes complete...

The problem is...

...the situation with me and Joy...

...it...

...it doesn't really allow for what it is that you're...

Um, Claire, I'm really sorry.

No.

I can't.

Temperature's really dropped.

Tell me about it.

My fan-fucking-heater thingy.

I have a spare pair of gloves, if you...?

I... I mean, not on me.

- I was going to say. - That would be...

Overkill is what two pairs of gloves on you, Alan,

would be right now.

But, I mean...

...another time, if you...

- So, an example? - Mmm.

An example of the two of you struggling to see eye-to-eye?

So, I would say, "Plant it out,"

and Elaine says, "It's my way or the highway."

So, in the end...

You said earlier, James, you said, you thought this bay tree

might give Elaine something to do, to focus on,

and I wonder if you might be able to say a little more about that.

We're talking... This is probably, what?

Six...

...seven months after your father passed away?

Only so long a person can stand by feeling useless.

To me, anyway.

Especially when someone you love is down in the dumps.

They were simpatico.

Elaine?

You've been quiet for quite a long time now.

I'd love to know what you've been thinking about.

Why?

It's a good question.

Silence is important.

But I worry that some of these silences are...

...getting a bit uncomfortable.

Difficult.

And I don't want this room, or our time together,

to be either of those things.

For either of you.

I don't know the details of your father's death, Elaine,

but a loss of any kind can be huge.

Destabilising.

It's real.

It's shocking. It shocks us.

And accepting help or support can be frightening.

- I'm off. - OK.

- Shouldn't be too late. - Try not to strain too much.

And don't let anyone talk you into doing something

you're not completely comfortable with.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

My faith in you is unwavering.

- Have fun with Snappy Snaps. - Ha-ha.

Clown, stand down

_

_

Let's do this!

Oh, thanks.

Always a gentleman.

Yeah, it's just so strange.

I always think, when I haven't been here for a bit,

and I come back, I always think everything looks so small.

Yeah! But the funny thing is, the memory I have of your dad

is of this great big giant...

Well, he's sort of 5'10, 5'11.

And the furniture.

I know. It's shit.

- Do you mind? Can I...? - No, knock yourself out.

Oh, wow.

Sorry.

Lawrence, do you mind if I have a bit of a nose round?

Mi casa es su casa.

♪ Oh, Myela, my love ♪

♪ Can you hear? ♪

♪ Can you still hear ♪

♪ The sirens moan? ♪

♪ Calling you home again ♪

♪ Black out call... ♪

♪ ..Calling you back again? ♪

♪ Oh, Myela, my love ♪

♪ Can you hear ♪

♪ Can you still hear ♪

♪ The sirens moan? ♪

♪ Calling you home again ♪

♪ The blackout call ♪

♪ Calling you back again ♪

♪ Oh, Myela, my love ♪

♪ They say the pipeline is coming ♪

♪ Black bears at the summit ♪

♪ Gonna have to move on... ♪

Oh, Naomi, hi, hi.

- Just wanted to return your... - Oh, you didn't have to.

That's very kind of you. Thanks.

- How was it? - Yeah.

- No... Don't hold back! - No, it was, yeah, it was...

- ..amazing. - Ah, I was worried

I might've been a bit heavy-handed with the almond essence.

Honestly, Rita, I didn't even know

- that was a thing. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They distil it right down.

- Shit. - Yeah.

Lucky almonds.

Yeah, um, Naomi, I don't suppose I could trouble you

to do me a quick favour, could I?

- Yeah. - OK, come in.

OK.

It's about developing a level of skill and precision.

Deflecting and re-directing your opponent's attack.

And how do we achieve this?

Remember, feet shoulder-width apart.

Don't let the mind wander.

Try to focus.

Knees as high as you can. Keep the knees higher.

Keep them higher! Knees up!

Are hernias usually hard or soft to the touch?

Praiano.

Positano.

- Anyway, and so on and so on. - No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Lawrence, you know what, I actually have to tell you something.

I've already seen some of these

because I online-stalked you a couple of years ago.

You're kidding?

Hah!

Wow, Joy, I feel so sullied.

Because you took the photographs at Tina Egan's second...

- That's right. - Right, and then she posted

like half a dozen or so of the photos online,

and I saw that they were yours and so, then, I googled you.

Cos I didn't realise you were still taking photos.

Mmm, and then I, you know, had a look at your website,

and, very possibly, your Twitter,

and maybe, ever-so-possibly, your Instagram

and then I felt REALLY dirty so I had to stop. Wow.

You know what, full disclosure.

- I did pretty much the same thing. - No!

Yeah, but we're talking four, five years ago?

- I was at Kerry's funeral. - Ah.

I was so sorry to have missed that.

Well, I was a wreck.

Anyway I think it was Louise who said to me,

that you were working as a therapist and I was like, "What?!"

Joy Harrison is, sorry, Joy Richards,

Joy Richards is working as a therapist.

Oh, thank God, I feel so much better.

So, there we go.

It's a pretty epic bouncy castle.

I don't suppose, would it...

Would it be OK if we didn't use our tongues?

I don't understand. Why wouldn't we use our tongues?

Now, your honest-to-goodness feedback.

OK?

That's it, um...

There.

Mm-hm.

Wow.

Definitely the second.

- Really? - Unquestionably.

I like that one the best, too.

Thanks, Naomi. I really appreciate it.

- Hope they like 'em. - Oh, God, fingers crossed.

I mean, they should do.

OK.

I dunno how that thing started. It's not true.

I haven't actually had sex with anyone.

That's OK.

- I'm glad you think so. - No, no, no, no...

I know what you meant.

Sometimes I think I should just get it out the way

so then it's done and I don't have to worry about it any more.

Either you want it too much and you're a slut

or you don't want it enough and you're tight.

OK, honestly, I've never had sex with anyone either.

SHE LAUGHS No shit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're so nice and I keep saying mean stuff to you.

Yep, yep, that was definitely pretty mean.

Actually, like,

honestly, my appetite for like, sex, at the moment,

is quite severely diminished.

I'm cool with just talking.

Gee, I bet you say that to all the girls.

My success rate with that one is, like, off-the-charts phenomenal.

Hey, did you ever hear back about those Zadie Smith tickets?

Ohhh...

Hi, Alan!

Hi, Claire, hi, hi.

- Hello? - Yeah, hi, hi, Claire. It's Alan.

Yeah, Alan, your, um...

Your name comes up on my phone.

Yeah.

Alan, is everything all right?

Claire, I completely agree.

It's everything, it's all of it.

And it's... it's impossible, trying to separate it all out,

of course it is.

It's the whole lot of you.

And I've been trying to shake it off,

I've been trying not to think about it, but...

...here's the problem, Claire, I can't.

I can't stop thinking about you.

More to the point...

...I don't want to.

Alan, where are you?

Outside.

- Thank you, Lawrence. - No, thank you.

Yeah, I had a really lovely...

Listen, likewise.

- It was so great to... - Yeah, no.

OK. OK, let me.

Bye...

...Lawrence.

♪ I want you more than I need you ♪

♪ I need you so bad ♪

♪ Are you coming back? Are you coming back?

♪ I'm waiting ♪

♪ Haven't had a dream in a long time ♪

♪ Haven't been able to sleep ♪

♪ Are you coming back? Are you coming back?

♪ I'm waiting ♪

♪ I'm waiting ♪

♪ I want you more than I need you ♪

♪ I need you bad ♪

♪ Are you coming back? Are you coming back?

♪ I'm waiting ♪

♪ I'm waiting. ♪