Original subtitles

I have a special treat for y'all today.

My dear friend and former college roommate is here

from the Johnson Space Center

in Houston to talk to us about our space program.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking.

These guys were roomies.

How does one go on

to be a... a fancy scientist at NASA,

and the other's teaching freshman science

at a public high school?

Yeah, Sheldon.

I was thinking that.

Thank you.

All right, uh, let's give a warm welcome

to my good buddy, Dr. Ronald Hodges.

Hey, kids. Hey.

Glad to be here. And, uh, Hubert, the answer

to your question is, one of those roomies was busy studying

while the other was out chasing high school girls.

- (laughs) - (forced laugh)

Yeah.

To be clear, they were all over 18.

(laughing): Yeah. Well...

Now, what I thought would be fun to talk about today

is what NASA's planning on doing beyond the space shuttle.

Things like the first manned mission to Mars.

Uh, yeah.

Did you see the movie Aliens?

I did.

Did you think it was cool?

Uh...

Sure, I enjoyed it.

Me, too.

Football player, right?

Yes, sir.

(laughing): Yeah.

Now, of course, before

we can set out to explore the solar system,

we've got a few minor problems to overcome.

Not the least of which is, every time

we launch, it costs the U.S. taxpayers

hundreds of millions of dollars.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Yes. - If you want to save money,

why don't you land the booster rockets

instead of letting them drop in the ocean?

(laughs)

That's a cute idea, but, uh, it's not technically possible.

Why not?

Well, it's hard to explain.

The math is pretty complicated.

Perhaps I could help you with it.

(laughing): Well,

I bet you could.

(laughs) I'll bet you could.

I'll tell you what. Here is a NASA patch.

Why don't you have your mom sew that on your book bag? Now,

who here wants to know how astronauts go to the bathroom?

BOY: - Me. I do. - Oh, right. See,

now, during liftoff, all the astronauts

wear diapers.

ADULT SHELDON: People often wonder why I chose

to pursue a career in theoretical physics.

I usually respond by saying

I wanted to unravel the inner workings of the universe.

Yeah, perhaps when

Captain Kirk said, "To boldly go,"

he meant in one of those, huh?

ADULT SHELDON: But the real answer was

I wanted to prove this nincompoop wrong.

Yeah, that's right. Beam me up, Potty!

(cackling)

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

MEEMAW: So I saw a lawyer today.

Why?

I'm putting together my last will and testament.

We're gonna miss ya.

George.

Don't worry. I ain't leaving him squat.

Are you dyin'?

We're all dyin', honey.

From the second we're born,

it's just a slip and slide into the darkness.

Unless you get bit by a vampire.

Well, now that goes without saying.

I don't want to die. I've only kissed

one boy so far.

What?

Relax. It was a long time ago.

Are you relaxed?

Shelly, you haven't

touched your dinner.

You feel okay?

Oh, yes. I was just thinking.

About what, baby?

The optimal height-to-width ratio for a reusable rocket.

MEEMAW: I was just

thinking the exact same thing.

Really?

Oh, Moonpie, I love you so much.

(laughs)

(sighs)

(sucks air in through teeth)

It's late. What are you doing up?

I'm working on the hyperbolic calculations

for a rocket return.

Need any help?

What?

I'm kiddin'. Now, turn out the light and go to bed.

- But... - Now.

(sighs)

Dad, can we afford a computer?

You do my taxes. What do you think?

Never mind.

Good night.

Meemaw?

Mr. Moonpie, how might I help you?

How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?

Nice talkin' to you.

- (knocking) - Meemaw?

Want to try that again?

I need to buy a computer

so I can solve the Navier-Stokes equation.

Uh-huh. How much is a computer?

Apple has a nice one for $2,000,

but the kind I need costs three million.

Let me see what I got in the vault.

(murmurs quietly)

Nine bucks and, uh...

Oh, look at that... a peso.

It's warm.

Hello, First National Bank.

I'd like to speak with a loan officer.

It's regarding a second mortgage on my home.

My name is Sheldon Lee Cooper.

Sure, I'll hold.

Oh, I hate hold music.

Hello.

Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick.

I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage.

I'm nine years old. Why do you ask?

That's called age discrimination, Dorothy,

but I'm willing to let it slide.

I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious.

I need funds to buy a computer.

No, the house isn't in my name.

I'm nine. We've established this.

I do prepare the taxes for my parents,

and if we tighten our belts,

we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.

Sheldon, who are you talking to?

Dorothy Fitzpatrick.

Who's Dorothy Fitzpatrick?

Is she a new buddy from school?

She's the loan officer at The First National Bank of Medford.

Why are you talking to her?

Mom, can this wait?

I'm trying to negotiate favorable terms.

Hello. Dorothy?

(whirring, beeps)

Hey, how come you weren't in math class?

That guy from NASA treated me like a child,

and I need to prove him wrong.

You are a child.

Tread lightly, my friend.

Was Ms. Ingram upset I wasn't in class?

(beeps) - TAM: Actually, she was happy.

She even did a little dance.

Do you know anybody with a modem?

I think Radio Shack has one. Why?

I need to access thrust-to-weight ratios

from the FTP server at the Johnson Space Center.

Then what?

Then I show that guy from NASA my work

and laugh as he begs for mercy.

You know, sometimes you sound like a super villain.

Silence!

That'll be more effective after

your voice changes.

(sighs)

(in deep voice): Silence.

(beeps)

Mom, can you take me to Radio Shack?

Not today, baby.

I have to go food shopping and get dinner started.

But it's important.

Sorry. Maybe over the weekend.

But it won't take that long.

Sheldon, I said no.

- But, Mom... - Not another word.

What?

Can't I just be happy?

Mom, please!

Sheldon Lee, I said no.

I'm still happy.

Please, Mom! You're being unfair!

- No. - But I really need those thrust-to-weight ratios.

Do you see I'm cookin'?

Well, take me after dinner.

Enough! I'm not takin' you anywhere tonight.

(grunts)

ADULT SHELDON: I'm not proud of it,

but as a child, I was prone...

to the occasional meltdown.

SHELDON: Cheese and crackers!

ADULT SHELDON: I'm sorry you had to hear that.

All right, I finally got him calmed down.

How'd you manage that?

Easy. Gave him a hug and a little cough syrup.

Mom!

It's not like he's operating heavy machinery.

We can't keep putting up with this behavior.

We need to ground him.

How? If you say "No playing outside," he says, "Thank you."

Well, we need to do something.

It's just a tantrum. It's what kids do.

You used to punish me all the time.

That was different. You were a pain in the ass.

I say no Radio Shack for at least a month.

Sounds fair.

I'll go tell him.

I'd wait and tell him tomorrow.

He's a little loopy right now.

(laughs)

Good night.

She drugged our son.

ADULT SHELDON: Thus began the longest month of my life.

Without the ability to access the thrust-to-weight ratios,

my well-intended effort to humiliate a NASA scientist

ground to a halt.

Mom.

Uh... what's going on?

Something's wrong with Sheldon.

(groaning)

What's the matter, baby? Have a tummy ache?

I think it's an ulcer.

GEORGE SR.: Don't be silly.

- You must have eaten something. - No.

My symptoms are consistent with an ulcer.

Shelly, remember when you thought

you had leprosy, and it was just a patch of dry skin?

And when you thought you had gout? Or an enlarged prostate?

Or mad cow?

That was my favorite.

Well, this is different.

Maybe we should take him to the doctor.

Listen to your wife... ulcers are serious.

Ow.

Well, I've never seen this in someone so young,

but, uh, your son has an ulcer.

Thank you.

How could this happen?

Uh, there are a number of factors.

Has he been under

some unusual stress lately?

Yes. She won't take me to Radio Shack.

Go wait outside.

I've heard some interesting research

about treating ulcers

with antimicrobials.

Go.

And you're surprised I have an ulcer.

I'm surprised I don't have one.

(clears throat)

Um, Radio Shack?

He's trying to figure out how to help NASA land rockets.

Oh. Well, that's a nice thing.

He's just doing it out of spite.

Okay.

Well, keep him off spicy foods for the time being,

and I'll write you a prescription for Zantac.

Does he smoke?

'Course not. He's nine.

(chuckles): I started at his age.

Uh, but only when I drank.

(modem dialing up)

- What the...? - (modem whining)

Sheldon! What are you doing?

I just need a minute. These things are so slow.

Is this your family?

They're lovely.

♪♪

- Mom. - What?

There's something wrong with Sheldon again.

SHELDON: I figured it out!

I figured it out!

One night.

I want to sleep one night.

Oh. Hi, Mom.

PETER GABRIEL: Hi there.

("Big Time" playing)

♪ I'm on my way, I'm making it... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: With my research complete and my ulcer on the mend,

all that was left to do was send my work to NASA

and wait to become America's scientific sweetheart.

♪ And I will walk through the front door ♪

♪ Big time... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: So I waited...

♪ Make it show, yeah ♪

♪ Big time ♪

...and waited...

♪ Big time ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

...and waited...

♪♪

(dial tone droning)

(dial tone continues droning)

...and waited.

♪♪

♪ Big. ♪

Something's wrong with Sheldon again.

GEORGE SR.: Now what?

MARY: Those people at NASA never responded to his science stuff.

GEORGE SR.: Damn it. I've had enough of this.

Sheldon, get up.

What's the point?

We're going to Houston.

Really?

Yeah.

You and me are gonna give those space monkeys

a little talkin' to.

ADULT SHELDON: I often found my father to be

a strange and puzzling man,

but at that moment, I never loved him more.

♪♪

I don't see why I couldn't stay home.

'Cause we're having a fun family outin'.

Can I at least drive?

She said fun, not tragic.

Let's go to the ostrich farm.

GEORGE JR.: Cool.

We can ride 'em, and then we can eat 'em.

GEORGE SR.: We're not stopping anywhere.

We're going to Houston to straighten this thing out

for your brother, then we're going home.

Shelly, you doing okay?

Yes. I just hope I don't get carsick.

You want Daddy to pull over?

I'll be okay.

- (vomiting) - MISSY: Oh, God,

it's on my shoes, it's on my shoes!

MEEMAW: For Pete's sake, somebody open a window.

♪♪

Yeah, I don't mean to be rude,

but we've been waitin' for an hour

- to see your boss. - I'm sorry, sir,

- but you didn't have an appointment. - We didn't have

an appointment 'cause every time I called, you put me on hold.

I'm sure Dr. Hodges'll see you as soon as he can.

- So, what do you want to do? - Well...

I guess we just got to be patient and wait...

Aw, screw it!

Excuse me, sir, you can't just...

All right, here's the deal.

My kid's got a damn ulcer 'cause of you,

so either you take him seriously,

or you're gonna be taking me seriously.

(intercom buzzes)

Yes, sir?

HODGES: Janice, why don't you

send the little boy in? (nervous chuckle)

Right away.

He'll see you now.

You're up, Moonpie.

And here...

near apogee, we gimbal the engine

to exert a torque

that executes a pitchover maneuver

to flip the rocket by 180 degrees.

(laughs): Well, that's very impressive.

Thank you very much for taking the time...

I'm not done.

Oh.

Uh... sorry.

Needless to say,

we use a P.I.D. controller to minimize the dispersions

to the landing site.

Anything else?

Yes. I'd like a glass of water.

It's time to take my Zantac.

(mumbles softly): Oh...

He's been in there quite a while.

Well, if the topic

is science, he can be a really Chatty Patty.

I'm bored.

- Me, too. - Hey.

Someday somebody's gonna write a book about Sheldon.

Don't you want there to be a chapter

about how loving and supportive you two were?

Doesn't matter. I ain't reading it.

This is groundbreaking work.

Thank you. And...?

And...?

I thought you might want to apologize.

Well...

why?

You tried to shut me up with a patch.

(chuckles nervously): Well... I-I give those to everyone.

A-And you have to understand, Sheldon,

that while your math is-is theoretically correct,

we don't have the technical capability to execute it.

So I'm ahead of my time?

Well... it would appear so. (chuckles)

All right, call me when you catch up.

W... uh...

We can go now.

♪♪

♪ Rocket... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: I've often contemplated what might have happened

if my father hadn't stuck up for me that day.

Would I have gone on to become

a world-class theoretical physicist,

or just your average Joe Sixpack theoretical physicist?

Dad?

Yeah?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

We're real proud of you, honey.

- Are you proud of me and Georgie? - Of course.

You bet.

For what?

Don't go pokin' at it.

♪♪

♪♪

NEWSWOMAN: For the first time,

SpaceX has successfully landed its Falcon 9 rocket

on a drone ship in the Atlantic Ocean.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk called the event

an "incredible milestone in the history of space."

(intercom beeps)

- Elon, the CNN reporter's here to talk to you. - Hang on.

Send him in. (clears throat)