Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

So take a look at the guidelines,

read them carefully, and we hope

that the people of the United States

will take them very seriously,

because they will fail

if people don't adhere to them.

We have to have, as a whole country,

cooperate and collaborate to make sure these get done.

Thank you.

Okay. Go ahead.

Mr. President.

Mr. President, a lot of people are concerned

about how long all of this might last.

Do you have any kind of estimate

that if Americans really were to band together...

- Right. - ...do what the White House

is suggesting, how quickly could we turn this corner?

My favorite question, I ask it all the time.

How many times, Anthony?

I think I ask him that question every day,

and I speak to Deborah, I speak to a lot of them,

I get their opinion.

So, it seems to me,

that if we do a really good job,

we'll not only hold the death

down to a level that is much lower than the other way,

had we not done a good job.

But people are talking about July,

August, something like that.

So it could be right in that period of time,

where it... I say "wash,"

it washes through.

Other people don't like that term,

but where it washes through.

How about another joke, Murray?

No, I think we've had enough of your jokes.

- What do you get... - I don't think so.

- ...when you cross... - I think...

- ...a mentally ill old loner... - we're done with you.

...with a society that abandons him,

and treats him like trash!

Call the police.

I'm telling you, what you get?

- Call the police. - You get

what you fucking deserve!

You sure you don't want nothing?

No, I'm good, thank you.

Who's that?

Hey, Detective.

Oh, hey, what's going on, Destiny?

- How you been? - What's up? I'm good.

- How are you? - I'm good.

Same old. How you been? Long time no see.

Better now that I see you. This is my friend Casey.

She just started working at the club.

- Hi, Casey, nice to meet you. - Hello Detective, how are you?

How's work, anyways? Good?

Work is good. When you coming to see us?

Yeah, but it's gonna be a minute for me to get back there.

Well, that means more money.

More bags to blow on us.

What else is going on with you?

That's about it. Just, um...

Hanging out, make...

Oh, sorry. Is this your daughter?

It's actually my partner.

Heard you, okay.

- Yeah, that's my partner. - You got it.

All right.

Well, you have a nice night, Detective.

All right, thank you. You, too.

Cool, man.

You, too. Make sure you call me.

All right, you got it. Good seeing you.

Bye for now.

All right. Bye, nice meeting you.

- Really? - What?

You thought that was funny?

What was funny? They said hello.

I know them. Why you get so mad for?

Apparently you know everybody.

Damn.

Don't hate the player.

Hate the game.

Yes, girl. So happy that today is over.

I know, girl. Thank God.

This place is suck,

- but hey, we made money tonight. - Yeah.

Yes, we made a bag, that's without a doubt.

- I'm so happy we made a bag. - Yeah.

And my favorite guy came to see us tonight.

- Which one? - Bryan.

Bryan!

- Yup. - Exactly.

You already know

- When he comes around, yeah. - Girl, yeah!

He spends a bag.

Listen, I'm ready to go home,

take off my shoes, roll a blunt,

have some Hennessy, and call it a night.

You got everything you need so we can get out of here?

I think so, yeah.

Oh, shit, I think I forgot my phone.

- Oh, no, girl. - No, I gotta check it out,

because you know those thirsty bitches.

- Let me... I'll be back. - All right. You already know.

I'm gonna call an Uber.

I'll be here, boo.

Where's this bitch in the Uber?

Sorry, girl, I just got my phone.

Destiny!

Destiny!

Help! Help!

Who the fuck is...

Fuck off!

Fuck.

What?

It's Destiny.

What's with him?

- He knew her. - Who is she?

One of the dancers from the club.

Look, Cap.

It's the same mark, like the last body.

Fuck. We got a serial killer.

- He got her real good. - Gotta call it in.

Habib, let me get a large coffee.

And make sure it's black.

You know I like my coffee the way I like my women.

Tall, black, and sexy.

Yeah, I know how you do,

and who you did. That's your coffee.

Thanks, Habib.

All right.

Hey, man.

Watch where you're going, buddy.

Hey, what's with the mask?

What, you one of those corona virus freaks or something?

Or are you using it

just to hide your ugly fucking face?

What are you, stupid?

Don't you see I'm here?

Asshole.

What are you, super stupid?

- Captain. - Healy.

What you doing here, Captain?

Are you on the bottle again?

'Course not.

You know I've been clean for three months.

Yeah, right.

Cap, what's up?

Detective, have a seat.

No. I wanna stand up, 'cause I don't know what's going on.

Detective, please have a seat.

All right, guys, so, as you know,

we have a serial killer on the loose.

Gonna need your cooperation as we gather

a few members of the team try to figure this out.

Okay, so, what's going on?

Okay. Well, Detective, does she... Do you recognize her?

No. Should I?

All right.

- You don't... - Really?

- You don't remember me? - No.

- Should I? - Are you sure?

Yeah. What are you trying to say?

That I got her preg... I'm the father or something?

Yeah, don't flatter yourself, okay?

I don't know, who is she?

Detective.

This is one of our witnesses from...

at the strip club last night.

Strip club.

But you knew the girl?

Yes, I did. That was my friend.

Oh, remember when you stopped at the store,

- that was you? - Yep.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

That's all right.

- Okay. - So that's good.

We got a fucking lead.

You got... you saw...

- You saw the person? - Yep, I saw everything.

So basically, we're looking for

Spanish, five-foot-seven,

gray shirt, Tims.

Spanish, 5'7",

gray shirt...

Was he wearing... What? was he wearing jeans?

He was wearing blue jeans.

Blue jeans, and you said Tims.

- And the Tims. - And mask.

And a mask.

Oh, this is gonna be fucking simple to find

a Spanish dude in the Bronx.

That's what we're looking for right now.

Is the killer in New York?

That's fucking everybody in New York City, Cap.

How we supposed to solve this?

We're bringing in troops.

Who are you bringing?

I got Ruiz and Sanchez coming in.

Jesus.

You gotta bring those fucking clowns?

Can you send Ruiz and Sanchez in, please?

Yo, Cap, you call for me?

And me too, Cap?

Please come in.

Really, dude?

You can't fix your fucking uniform?

Cool, so now that I have the whole gang here,

I have another treat for you guys.

Another fucking treat.

God knows what else is gonna...

Gets better from here.

We have to continue to stop the spread.

And this is a constant calibration also.

I'm gonna issue an executive order

that says all people in public

must have a mask or nose...

Executive order issued.

This is not just statewide, this is across the U.S.

Along with the face mask,

we're implementing social distancing,

and it's going to be mandatory.

It's protocol.

You don't have to wear your mask in the car.

However, it does have to be worn.

Okay, so only when we're answering calls?

I can't fucking breathe in this dumb shit!

I gotta wear this now every fucking day to work?

We all do. Join the club.

I should just fucking call on vacation.

Gonna have to give to the other two,

pass these through to the two guys in the back.

You got a fucking red nose for these fucking clowns?

Here, man.

You're now at an intersection,

and there are people in the intersection,

and you are gonna be in proximity

to other people, put the mask on.

Your right to go out for a walk in the park,

go out for a walk

because you need to get out of the house,

the dog is getting on your nerves,

fine, don't infect me.

You don't have a right to infect me.

If you are gonna be

in a situation, in public,

where you may come into contact with other people

in a situation that is not socially distanced,

you must have a mask

or a cloth covering nose and mouth.

- That is by executive order. - Seriously?

we gotta wear this 24 fucking hours at work?

I think it looks cute.

- Fucking... - It's for your protection.

All right, game plan.

Effective tomorrow night,

Ruiz and Sanchez, I have you pairing up

with Jordan and Pippen, undercover.

- Yes. - Yes.

Undercover, yeah.

That's right, man. Undercover.

Casey, you're gonna be staying with Detective Pippen

for the next few days, just for protection purposes.

Hold up. Cap.

- You know I got a... - Casey.

- Detective... - Cap, I got a big place.

Detective Pippen will be escorting

you to her place. Thank you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Come on.

Wear this fucking mask.

Do me a favor, guys.

Can you wait outside?

I have to talk to the Captain about something.

Okay?

Hey, Cap.

Do you still wanna hang out or something?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Then why you keep throwing shit at me for?

Will, cut the bullshit.

Listen.

Do you want to come by to my house tonight,

- over a bottle of wine? - Fuck, no.

Okay.

So then stop breaking my fucking balls!

I'll deal with her. She's fine.

But I'm not working with those two fucking clowns.

No. I don't need backup.

Oh, Felicia?

- What? - Bye.

Yeah. What was that address?

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

- Hey. - I thought I told you guys

to wait for me in the car.

Yeah, but the witness had to use the bathroom.

All right, no problem.

You okay?

Yeah, fuck her, man.

She wanna break my fucking balls

and all that, then now she wanna

assign two clowns to work with us.

I haven't got time for that bullshit,

it is what it is.

You sure you're all right?

I'm good. You know what?

Wait for the witness,

I'm gonna go in my car,

and I'll just wait for you guys there, right?

- Will? - Yeah?

You know you can talk to me about anything, right?

Thank you, I appreciate it, but I'm good.

Just get to the car safe, all right?

I'll see you guys down.

Damn, what took so long?

I gave her a change clothes.

All right, that's cool.

- You got your mask? - Yep.

It's in your bag?

- Yep. - Oh, okay.

- You good? - Yeah, I'm great.

Everything good?

Pickup usual time?

You got it.

This morning, the tensions are escalating

between President Trump and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

over the President's use of hydroxychloroquine.

Pelosi is a sick woman.

She's got a lot of problems, a lot of mental problems.

I didn't know that he would be so sensitive.

He's always talking about other people's

avoirdupois, their weight, their pounds.

The President firing back at Pelosi,

after she criticized

his decision to take the anti-malaria drug

to protect against coronavirus,

with no evidence yet that it prevents COVID-19.

We would rather he not be taking something

that has not been approved

by the scientists,

especially in his age group,

and in his, shall we say,

weight group, at what is morbidly obese, they say.

Former President Joe Biden

slamming the President overnight,

comparing this to the moment Mr. Trump questioned

whether disinfectants could be a treatment.

It's like saying maybe

if you injected Clorox into your blood,

you know, it may cure you.

Come on, man.

What is he doing?

What in God's name is he doing?

The President taking aim.

If you look at the one survey, the only bad survey,

they were giving it to people that were in very bad shape.

They were very old, almost dead.

This just in.

As if the coronavirus pandemic was not enough,

now New York has a new problem.

There is a serial killer

stalking the good people of the five boroughs.

What we know so far

is that he is a Hispanic-looking male,

about 5'7".

It's been reported

that he has killed at least eight women

that the police know of.

And he wears a generic COVID mask

to conceal his identity.

So, obviously,

the media has already dubbed him

The Covid Killer.

That is all we know at this time.

We will keep the public updated as news comes in.

Please, stay inside and stay safe.

It's a vanilla,

chai tea, almond milk, no sugar.

Vanilla, chai...

Tea, almond milk, no sugar.

It's like a creamy tea, just taste it.

That sounds nasty.

Just taste it.

It's hot as hell.

Yeah, well, I like hot tea.

But you gotta try this.

That's too sweet.

Just try it, you don't even know what it tastes like.

I can see it by looking at it.

Just try...

What the fuck?

What? I just smelled it.

No. Look at these fucking clowns.

Gotta be fucking kidding me.

I'm calling the Captain.

Siri, call Captain.

Calling the Captain, mobile.

Yeah, Cap?

I'm about to FaceTime you.

These dudes is fucking clowns.

Yo, both of y'all are fucking clowns.

You're off the case, Captain said you're done.

And yet in another bizarre COVID incident,

a group of filmmakers are being denied entry

to The Howard Stern Show

because of Howard's COVID-19 concerns.

Howard Stern is not gonna happen.

Howard Stern is a billionaire.

He don't got time to deal with y'all low-life YouTubers.

You know what?

We may be lowlifes, especially him.

- Hey! - But we are not YouTubers.

We are legitimate, independent filmmakers,

and we demand respect!

Yeah, we demand respect.

- Wait. - What's up?

Take this off.

You don't like my hat?

Now I can see you.

You're so handsome.

Oh, please. Stop trying to gas me.

- I'm not gassing you. - It's working.

It's working?

What are we drinking to?

We are drinking to us reuniting,

after seven years.

And you still look good.

And another thing.

I hope you catch that crazy serial killer out here.

This lunatic, killing all these women.

I promise you,

I'm gonna catch that son of a bitch.

Why y'all got no mask on?

You fucking with me?

Don't touch me, goddammit!

- I can't fucking believe it. - Do not touch me!

Mm.

It's crazy clowny time, kids!

So... you have Netflix?

Of course.

Netflix.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Oh my God.

Your collection got so big.

How many do you have now?

Close to 200.

Oh my God. What number are these?

Those are the six ones.

Whoa. I like those a lot.

What number are these?

Those are the threes.

Wow.

- Oh my God, - Damn.

- You have these? - Yep.

Oh my God.

Those are special editions.

They are.

What number are these?

Oh, yeah, those are the size twelves, yeah.

Well, you know what number you don't have?

What's that?

You don't have the 69s.

69s? Jordan never came out with 69s.

Come on, you know what I mean.

Come over here.

- For? - Yeah, word.

Shut the light.

- Want me turn the light off? - Yeah.

They still got the clapper?

Of course.

What did you forget... Hey.

Forget?

No, no, I was thinking out loud.

- Hm. - What's going on?

Hm.

Got some wine.

You got red wine?

Let me get the two glasses.

Oh, we don't need those, honey.

So you just brought a empty bottle

of red wine to my house, for what?

Because I wanna get and I'm feeling nice.

For real?

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Cap?

Have a seat, Detective.

Okay, what's up?

Our last victim, did you know her?

Yes, I did.

How?

Here are the files you requested.

Thank you.

Detective, how?

How, Detective?

I just knew her.

Right now, your DNA's on this victim's body.

She was found around the corner from your house.

So what do you want me to say, that I fucked her?

Did you?

So what are you saying?

What I'm trying to say is,

I need you to turn in your firearm and your shield.

For what?

And you're suspended indefinitely.

For what? I didn't fucking do anything.

You know this is fucking bullshit.

For the sake of the city, I hope this is bullshit.

I have your file right here, Detective,

and you're a great detective.

Then why the fuck am I being suspended?

Because you're a fucking suspect!

And fuck that. Sellout.

Will, hold up.

What are you gonna say now?

What do you want me to do?

I didn't know. I didn't know it was gonna come to this.

You could have fucking texted me and warned me.

You're right. But what now?

I'm being... I'm a fucking suspect,

I'm being charged for murder.

I told you that thing was gonna get you in trouble.

I don't have no time for these fucking jokes, man.

Now, who's gonna continue the fucking case?

Pippen. We're going to have Pippen on it.

Pippen can't do this shit by herself.

Listen to me.

I'm still on this shit. They can have my fucking gun

and my fucking badge.

I'm not doing this shit. I'm still on the case.

You know why? I'm proving my innocence.

To everybody.

Well, I didn't hear about that.

You never hear anything I fucking say anyway.

Will!

What? Now you're finally talking to me?

Hold on.

What the fuck just happened in there?

That was Internal Affairs.

And they just suspended me.

- You're joking. - No.

So what the fuck are we gonna do?

Remember that girl?

- Uh-uh. - The last one, the last body?

- Uh-uh. - Okay.

Well, only my DNA was on that.

So what are you trying to say?

You want me to spell it out for you?

I'm gonna need you to.

You want me to tell you straight up that I fucked her?

- You serious? - Yeah.

I fucked her, but I didn't kill her.

Well, I know that,

'cause I know who you are, I know you're not that stupid.

Okay, then go tell Internal Affairs about that,

'cause right now, I'm being investigated.

- You're being investigated? - Yes.

They're trying to link me now to the murders.

- You know... - All the same marks

and everything on every body.

And I'm trying to put this shit together,

that why are all these murders...

I'm trying to put together

why all these girls that are coming up dead,

they're linking to me.

I know them all.

That was the only girl I had sex with,

was the last one.

- And now you're suspended. - Now I'm suspended.

So I need you to do me a favor.

What is it?

You need to catch this son of a bitch.

You know I can't do that by myself.

Well, you're gonna have to.

I'll be around, but you gonna have to.

You know what, hold on a second.

Hold on to this.

I don't wanna get you in trouble.

Shh.

Hold on to it.

I'm gonna need you, some way, somehow.

Right, listen.

You know I'm not off this case.

All right? I'll be around when you call me.

- You know I will. - I'm there.

All right? You're still gorgeous.

Be careful, and you call me.

All right?

All right, give me that handshake again.

Ready, and...

Hey.

What's up? What are you doing here?

What, I can't bring my partner

his favorite chai tea, almond milk, no sugar?

Thank you.

- You're welcome. - How'd you get here?

I took an Uber.

But I was leaving in five minutes

to pick you up.

- It's fine. - Okay. Come inside.

To what do I owe the honor

of having you in my presence in my house?

Well, I feel like all the girls have seen it,

and I wanna see it.

- You wanna see it now? - Uh-huh.

Come on.

Oh my God, it's huge!

I told you it was huge.

Come in.

Hey, Detective, sorry to bother you.

- Can take a shower? - Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I left a blue towel for you in the bathroom.

- All right, thank you. - You're welcome.

Oh, as a matter of fact, when you get out,

can you come check out these mugshots with me?

- Yeah, sure. I'll be back. - Okay.

Casey?

Casey, are you okay?

Casey?

Casey. Casey!

Casey!

My God.

Will. I need you to come to my house right now.

The witness is dead!

She has the same mark as the other bodies, too.

Okay, Imma wait for you.

I could give you 19 or 20 names for that, right?

It's got all different names. Wuhan.

Got Wuhan was catching on.

Coronavirus, right?

Kungflu, yes.

Kungflu.

COVID. COVID-19. COVID.

I say, what's the 19?

COVID-19. Some people can't explain what the 19...

Gimme the...

COVID-19. I said, that's an odd name.

I could give you many, many names.

Some people call it the Chinese flu,

the China flu, right?

They call it the China,

as opposed to the China...

I've never seen anything like it.

Well, it's been three months

since we've heard from The Covid Killer.

But his vile presence is still with us.

So do not let your guard down, New York.

Be safe. Stay home.

There are four things that we now know

about this Covid Killer.

He only kills at night.

He only kills women,

in particular, nurses and strippers.

He only uses one type of weapon, a kitchen knife.

And for some odd reason,

he only slashes to the left.

These are scary and strange times, indeed.

Can anybody stop this madman?

Where's a supercop when you need one?

I can't breathe, man.

- I can't breathe. - Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

I don't give a fuck if you can't breathe.

That's not my fucking problem.

You shouldn't have done it.

- I can't breathe. - Shut the fuck up.

Check this. What's going on?

That shit does not look...

Yo, we gotta go see what the fuck is going on.

Shut the fuck up,

or I'm gonna put two in the back of your head!

I'll make you fucking shut up forever.

I can't breathe.

Yeah, I'll put two in your fucking back, you piece of shit.

Shut the fuck up, I said.

I don't give a shit, motherfucker.

What the fuck you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

- What's your problem, Will? - Sit down.

- Don't get up. - Get off my partner!

Don't get up.

Will, I'm a cop!

Right now, you're not a fucking cop.

Let me tell you something.

Difference between us, I'm a cop,

you're a fucking filthy pig.

- Yeah? - Put your ass over there.

Lay on the floor over there.

You're gonna be fucking fired after this.

Get down, get down.

Don't fucking... Put your hands behind your back!

You don't know what you're doing, Will!

Yeah? I'll tell you what I'm doing.

- Gonna lose your fucking career. - Remember?

You're in some deep shit, Will. You have no idea.

You don't know what the fuck you're doing, man!

Don't fucking move.

- Don't fucking move. - Get off my partner!

Those are the last cuffs you're gonna put on somebody. Watch!

Get off my partner!

Yo, do we got a fucking problem?

- Do we? - Really?

Get that fucking piece of shit hat off.

Drop your fucking weapon now.

Drop your fucking weapon!

Think I'm fucking playing?

Turn around. Put your hands up against the wall.

Fuck you doing over here?

Don't you look. You look straight up against the wall.

The other hand.

Like to fucking pick on people here.

Fucking racist piece of shit.

Turn around, sit up... Sit down on the floor.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down, I wanna hear your fucking mouth.

You sit the fuck down and shut up.

Let me go talk to your partner over here.

You wanna put your fucking...

You wanna put a knee on the neck?

I can't fucking breathe!

I can't breathe, Will!

Oh yeah? Let me ask you something.

Why the fuck you got your fucking knee

on the back of this guy's fucking neck for?

That's the fucking Covid Killer, you idiot!

Oh, you caught the Covid Killer?

Yeah, I caught the fucking Covid Killer.

Oh, my bad. You know what?

Let's go see the Covid Killer.

Let's go talk to him.

Come on, let's go to him.

Get up.

Why don't you get up.

You fucking asshole.

Okay. Hold on, sit right there.

Sit right there.

This the killer? Let me see.

Hey. What's up, buddy?

Don't worry about it, you good.

You're good. Let me take these cuffs off.

Don't make any false moves or anything, all right?

I'm with you, trust me.

I got that scumbag racist piece of shit

on the floor with cuffs on.

Yeah, come up, son. Come up, come up. You're good.

You're coming up on your own.

I'm not gonna touch you.

You all right?

You know, we're still on the job here.

Let me ask you something. What happened?

Why did they stop you?

They didn't tell me, man.

They didn't say nothing, right?

You don't wanna fucking tell him why?

I'm still trying to catch my breath.

So, let me ask you something.

I'm totally straight up.

How tall are you?

- 6'1", sir. - 6'1".

And what's your nationality?

- I'm black. - Black.

6'1". Black.

6'1", black.

And we're looking for a 5'7" Puerto Rican. Spanish.

Wait till my father hears about this,

you piece of shit.

You're a disgrace to the fucking badge.

Listen.

My name is Detective Jordan, all right?

I'm sorry.

Okay?

There's your bag over there.

Go pick it up. Have a nice day.

Anybody bothers you,

you mention Detective Jordan.

I'll take care of them.

- All right? - Thank you, sir.

All right. Have a bless.

And you, you fucking cunt racist bitch,

I'm gonna take these fucking cuffs off.

But I'm telling you right now,

I see you do any dirty shit like that again,

there's gonna be a different fucking ending.

Oh, and you see this fucking piece of shit hat of yours?

This coming with me.

Fucking racist.

Fucking.

Such a tough guy, Will.

Real fucking tough guy.

You're a fucking disgrace to the fucking badge!

This supposed to be a fucking brotherhood.

You're going against the brotherhood.

You got some fucking balls to say we're brothers.

We're brothers?

Freeze!

Let me fucking ta...

Pippen!

I said, freeze!

Pippen!

Freeze!

Shit.

Freeze!

Will, take the shot!

Martina, I don't have that shot.

Take the fucking shot!

I don't have a clear shot!

Freeze, put the fucking knife down.

Put the knife down.

All right, listen, listen, listen.

Listen, listen.

I put the gun down.

Take me.

You want me?

Take me, leave my partner alone.

Take me!

No!

Will!

Come here!

Get him!

Get him!

Somebody help!

Somebody help!

You're fucking dead!

You fucking hear me?

You're fucking dead!

Thank you for the ride, babe.

Anytime.

Don't leave until I get in the house.

It's why I called you and not an Uber.

Oh, look doll, I got you.

Fucking men.

Hello?

Fucking Bryan just left me, again,

in front of my building.

I'm so through with him.

I can't even find my keys.

What?

No.

That bitch is cra...

I think I just heard something.

No, this... Yeah, I...

It's just this COVID shit.

Everybody, like, looks the same with these masks on.

It's... And I can't even find my keys,

and Bryan left me.

I don't know who the fuck that was.

I gotta go.

Keys.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

No! Please, no!

No! Please!

Please don't kill me!

No! No!

Yo, what's up?

What? I can't bring my partner

her favorite drink?

Simply Lemonade.

And a KitKat bar.

A whole KitKat.

Hey, look, I even got you a balloon

with your favorite colors.

Yo, the doc said you had quick reflexes.

You caught that fucking blade right above the jawbone.

Yo, it didn't even hit anything vital.

You back to work no time.

Sitting next to me, riding shotgun.

Fucking with the radio.

Taking pics.

Look at me.

What?

What?

Shoulda took the shot.

You shoulda took the shot.

Somebody said to me the other day,

"You're the most famous person in the world by far."

Said, "No, I'm not. No, I'm not."

They said, "Yes, you are." I said, "No."

They said, "Who's more famous?"

I said, "Jesus Christ."

They were talking about the glass ceiling

the other night, of women breaking

the glass ceiling.

So when you do 30 million

and have a kid with the sniffles,

and they'll say it's Coronavirus,

whatever you wanna call it,

I said the other night,

there are so many names to this,

that I could name nineteen names, like,

Corona 19,

but I could name 19 names.

Okay, I gotta say.

- No, no, no... - Jesus.

One of the 19 names is not Corona 19.

It's COVID-19, or Coronavirus.

No one calls it Corona 19!

He's such an idiot!

He's a... And who cares how many names it has?

Why is that relevant to the story?

You know, it has so many names...

And, no, but most importantly,

you would still have Coronavirus

if you didn't test anyone!

At this point, the latest number I just saw,

right before... as we were going live,

A 127,000 dead in America.

If you didn't test a single person,

those 127,000 would still be dead

from Coronavirus.

What he's saying is, I don't care if they die,

I just don't want you to call it Coronavirus,

because I don't wanna be blamed for it.

You are a pathetic excuse for a human being,

let alone a leader.

And in a startling revelation,

we're now receiving details on what could possibly be

the Covid Killer's motives.

Apparently, the Covid's wife, a former stripper,

who we will not name at this time

for obvious reasons,

contracted the Coronavirus

and was admitted to Saint Mary's Hospital in the Bronx.

She stayed at this hospital as a patient

for several weeks,

until eventually succumbing to the deadly disease.

Her funeral was held a few weeks ago

at the Ortiz Funeral Home in the Bronx.

The theory out there

is that maybe her case was not handled well

by the nurses at Saint Mary's Hospital,

and he blames them for the death of his wife.

Whatever the case, this man is hurting.

He is angry, and he wants his revenge.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

♪ Up above the... ♪

What do you want with me?

Stop, no!

Stop! No, please don't hurt me.

Don't! I..

I'm too young!

Please don't hurt me.

Why are you doing this?

Please, I have a family!

Please, my brother doesn't...!

Leave me alone, please!

I didn't even do anything to you!

I don't even have the Coronavirus!

No. No.

No. No. Just...

The big news, of course,

is that the President and First Lady

have tested positive for Coronavirus.

In any other time in history,

this would be the craziest story of all time.

In the year 2020, it's Friday.

Seriously, when the news broke,

2020 was, like, come on, you had to see this one coming.

I actually didn't see this coming.

Last night I went to bed thinking

tonight's whole monologue would be about NASA calling off

their mission to send a $23 million toilet to space.

What?

We had 300 jokes on that.

Unlike the presidential debate,

I hope people can learn from this.

If the most powerful, most protected person on earth

can get COVID-19, anyone can,

and no one should have to suffer through this horrible virus.

This just in.

We are now receiving information

that there is another Covid Killer

on the streets of New York.

Police are reporting that this second Covid Killer,

which the media is already labeling

the Copycat Covid Killer,

has already killed three people, that police know of.

He was last seen in the city of Yonkers,

where he brutally murdered an old woman,

who was described by her neighbors as

very caring and selfless.

So I'm urging you, pleading with you,

good citizens of New York, stay inside.

Coronavirus is not the only thing

that you have to quarantine from.

There are now

two killers out there terrorizing the city.

And they are armed and extremely dangerous.

Guys, what did I tell you?

No wrestling in the living room!

I said no wrestling!

Yes, ma'am.

You guys are so fun.

Back off, motherfucker.

I beat you any day, old man.

Well, I will beat your ass.

Go suck on these nuts, boy.

You came out of these nuts, motherfucker.

Not true, I never came out of those nuts.

Yes, and into your mama.

- Hey, you know. - We should watch a movie.

All right, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right.

Just a little bit,

but maybe I came from somewhere else.

I coulda came out of a test tube, you never know.

Shit, yeah, test tube.

I'm dark, and you white, that's not even possible.

I'm gonna get the popcorn.

You ain't shit.

- You mama shit. - Yeah.

You guys pick a movie.

Hey, what's the punchline, what's the punchline?

And then she said,

is that your penis or what?

So what's the new video game coming out?

Oh! Oh, let's watch The Businessman.

Ah, fuck, that movie's garbage, man.

It's ass, but I love it.

Oy, G, that's my favorite movie.

His business is killing.

And his business is good.

Oh, that's the popcorn.

I'm gonna go get it, you guys start the movie,

- I'll be right back. - All right.

Actually, my favorite line from The Businessman

was when you said,

"He was annoying me."

Man, he sounds like

a retarded nephew of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That's not nice!

Oh, excuse me, let me be politically correct.

Mentally challenged nephew to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Popcorn's ready!

Oh. You guys started the movie already.

Okay.

This movie's so garbage, yo.

Ass, but good.

All right. I have to go to the bathroom.

- Yeah. - All right.

I'll be right back.

You guys are making a big fucking mistake.

Don't you know who the fuck I am?

You wouldn't dare fucking kill me.

You got no balls. You wouldn't fucking dare, man,

I know it. You got nothing, man.

You got nothing.

Are you out your fucking mind?

How the fuck you gonna shoot somebody in my car?

Yeah, you done lost your...

This is it, this is it, my favorite part,

my favorite part.

No.

He was annoying me.

Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.

I'm taking a tinkle and a twinkle twinkle.

And...

Will! Take the shot!

Take the fucking shot!

Where you going, Covid?

You're bleeding.

There's nowhere to run!

Turn around!

Face me! Look at me!

Look at me, you coward!

Well, New York, it's a great day.

Biden has won the election.

Our orange nightmare is almost over.

In two months,

Joe Biden will be our 46th President.

I also have more good news, and sadly, some bad news.

The Covid Killer is dead.

Yes. You heard me right.

The Covid Killer is dead.

He was shot dead by Detective Will Jordan

right in front of the home of his captain, Felicia Jackson.

But the bad news is,

the Copycat Covid Killer is still out there,

and he's much more of a vicious killer

than Covid ever was.

Every citizen of New York should beware,

because this killer has no discretion.

He does not limit himself to killing just women.

He also kills men.

He's also not limited to any type of knife slash.

He kills in all types of ways,

with all types of weapons,

and he doesn't only kill at night.

He kills in broad daylight,

so please, I'm begging you,

the courageous men and women of New York,

stay inside and lock your doors,

because the Copycat is out there.

Action.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

I'm gonna put two in the back of your head

and then you really can't gonna be bro...

gonna be... not breathing.

Keep going, keep going. Action.

Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna put two in the back of your head

and then you really won't be...

Keep it up, keep it up. Go.

The laughing, stop the laughing.

Stop the laughing. Go.

Hey, what's going on, brother?

- Hey. How you feeling? - How you doing?

- Good, good. Good to see you. - I'm feeling pretty good.

Good. Good, I'm glad.

Yeah. I see you found my hat.

- Your hat? - Yeah.

- This is your hat? - Yeah.

Thanks to detectives like you,

we can make America great again.

Hey, you coming into...

Coming into the kitchen. Action.

I'm saying "action" while you're walking.

Now. Action.

Okay. You're not the Terminator.

Walk like a normal human being,

not like you're a fucking...

The T-1000.

Damn, why is your roommate here?

- Yo, bro? - I just...

I just wanna know what it was like to eat the ass, bro.

Whoa, let me record that.

We'll record that.

- All right. - Sorry.

Okay, now you could do it.

Now you can do it.

You're like a superhero.

I'm Wonder Woman, ta-da!

Nah, you could have played Wonder Woman.

Do my favorite, sit on the chair...

Right?

Oh, I didn't get it.

Yeah. Cap?

I'm gonna FaceTime you.

And I'm done with these clowns.

I'm gonna FaceTime you.

You see?

Okay.

We're on our way to the strip club.

Yo. Y'all done with us.

- Fucking clowns. - Will, Will.

What?

I can clearly see there's nobody there.

Jeff, they're walking while I'm talking.

From where?

they walk, they said these guys are walking.

Yeah, we don't wanna do anything

to scare your children,

that's the last thing we wanna do.

We don't want to scare anybody.

Action.

The other guy was just here.

Rolling.

Girl two, bedroom scene.

- Wait till you say, action. - It's fine.

Just keep doing it.

- Yeah, that's good. - That's working.

All right, hold on.

- Enrique. - Right here?

- All right, like... - Okay.

All right, I gotta, apparently, gotta do like,

clapping over here.

Am I supposed to clap over here?

This is where I'm supposed to clap, all right.

- Hold it, hold it. - Hold on, hold on.

This is where we're supposed to clap.

Well, you shouldn't even see my thong.

That's the only thing.

So just take it off, babe. So just take it off.

Sorry, it...

'Cause then it's weird.

- Looks better. - Because then it's weird.

All I hear is...

Yo, Enrique, stop, I don't wanna hear that.

Then it's just weird.

But this thing could be fucking fully clothed!

I'm just saying.

I just need to know when the fuck I'm supposed to clap.

Or when I'm supposed to clap.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull