Original subtitles

Oh, we used to hate each other.

- It's not we hated each other. - No, we didn't.

- I hated you. - Yeah, you hated me,

- and I hated me. - Yeah.

It's...

So we have that in common.

So, because this is something we're taping.

Yeah.

We're gonna be a little more professional.

My set list used to start with aids, rape, 9/11...

We lost material 'cause, um... Of head trauma.

Which is, by the way, a completely legitimate excuse.

- Well! - Well, well, well.

I'm, I'm Bob scratchgold farm.

And I'm detective Joe Friday!

I'm Dane cookman.

Hi, I'm Kyle kinane.

Look how beautiful this is.

It's pretty,

so at least the last thing we see will be heaven.

Yeah. One thing we can do is we do open with a car wreck.

Then I can go into the thing about people being offended,

my college roommate having diarrhea.

Ah! Well, hello Atlanta!

A funny thing happened on the way to the show.

Comedians bobcat goldthwait

and Dana gould suffered minor injuries in a car crash

that forced them to cancel a show in Atlanta on Thursday.

Gould and goldthwait are comedy stalwarts.

Excuse me, chief Doyle?

I'm Ben.

And I am holo.

Gould's best known for being a writer on the Simpsons.

Four people suffocated

and the creature from the black lagoon sued

until they got it right.

At least, I'm guessing that's true.

Goldthwait is best known for his role as zed

in the police academy franchise.

- Hi. - This is Dana and Bob,

and this was the night

we were gonna start shooting the special.

Um...

I'm Bob.

And we're in the hospital.

I think the press kind of...

Minor injuries.

- I had, uh... - You were effed up.

- Yeah. I had, uh... - Concussion.

I had a concussion. Thank you.

I had some head trauma.

- Yeah! - But I'm good now.

He asks his friends...

Sure, sure, sure, Bob, Bob, Bob...

You're, you're, you're... Fine, fine, fine...

I meant... I'm not Gary busey.

I know where I am!

We broke ribs on each other. You gotta...

I broke my, my right ribs on your left ribs,

- or whatever that is. - Yeah.

I broke... yeah, it was like the origin of a super villain.

Two things about broken ribs: One, they're fine,

unless you don't need to inhale, exhale, cough, burp, breathe,

chew, snore...

I have never walked around my home

in dread of farting.

Really?

I think it's coming. I don't think I can stop it.

I dunno what I'm gonna do.

Is Jimmy here? The guy that was in the...

We made a friend in the trauma ward.

Bob had a giant concussion

and a big cut on his head.

And I had my memory come back in waves,

and I was on a gurney and I truly had this thought.

I went...

"Oh, he really is president."

Like, I had a fucking window there.

I was like...

Oh my god! What have we done?

And then I run, gurneys in the hallway,

and I look up

and the first thing I'm staring at

is a 90 to a hundred-year-old woman

in a hospital Johnny that is not properly fitted.

Just...

Yeah.

And I did... like, you can see

all the way to Argentina, as the expression says.

And my first thought was

"I've died and gone to hell..."

"Or an incredibly specific heaven."

And now, it's

Bob hope's young comedians: Making america laugh.

With special guest stars, crystal Bernard from wings,

Boston's own Dana gould...

I have the script

of the second to last Bob hope specials,

- signed by Bob hope. - Wow!

- Were you on it? Holy shit! - Yeah, I was.

It was on, like, one of my specials, I did

a bit about doing a commercial with him.

- What? - Oh, yeah! Yeah!

I feel like one of my early stand-up specials was like...

When will Bob hope die?

I don't think there was a punchline.

But we did a commercial. My line was,

"hi, i'm, I'm Dana gould.

Join me and my new best friend

on his comedy special this Thursday night on nbc."

And then his line to me is he's supposed to look at me and go,

"hey, I love this kid. Didn't you use to be my caddy?"

He looks at me and he literally goes...

"I love this kid."

And then they go, "we're gonna do it again."

"Why?"

And they couldn't tell him he fucked up the line.

- So they go... - Right. So get off here, 41.

So they go, "peanuts!"

He goes, "what?"

"You had some... You're reading some peanuts."

Once more.

Once more?

What? Yeah.

What was wrong with it?

- Peanuts. - Too many peanuts.

- Huh? - Too many peanuts.

The rumor is, his big awful crime

was when they interred all the Japanese farmers in wwii

for having the audacity to be Japanese.

Bob went and bought all their farms for like $2...

- Did he really? Course. - Yeah, of course.

Yeah. No, it's really awful.

Now I don't feel bad...

No, no, there's no reason to be.

Wondering when he was gonna be dead.

I love this kid.

Didn't you used to be my caddy?

I went to the women's march

and I posted a picture,

and I got a lot of death threats, which is insane,

but also, I was like, I realized, I was, like, "oh!"

I was like, "who voted for trump?"

And it, it turns out police academy fans.

Yes.

Police academy fans

love trump. They're like,

"you really let us down, officer zed."

But it attracts

people who are fans of incompetence with authority

- also like trump. - Yeah.

♪ Da-dada-da-da ♪

Also, the biggest insult now, too...

Death threats, for some reason, they don't bother me,

but what makes me laugh is the people

like, in our culture now,

the worst thing you can say is "unfollow."

Like that's gonna hurt me. Like, unfollow.

It's, like, I used to play arenas.

Millions of people have unfollowed me.

You're really late to this...

@toddoakleywarrior4life7.

It's the, in fact, now is a great time,

we should say this right out the gate,

we're gonna go, we're gonna talk for a while tonight,

and if anything Bob or I says,

does, sincerely offend you...

We don't want you to feel that it's incumbent upon you

to come up to us later

and explain it to us.

That's your secret.

You hold that tight.

You keep that to yourself.

It's like... No conversation's ever gone well

that start with, "can I ask you something?"

- Yeah. - It's never like...

"Is this your money?"

- Yeah, man. - It's never good.

- Can I ask you something? - Okay, we went to a restaurant.

- Bob, you're vegetarian. - Yeah, I'm a vegan, actually.

You don't get this body putting shit in it.

No.

This woman just went like...

"He's a vegan?"

Yeah, I mean, I don't do the commercials,

I'm not Moby or something, you know. It's like...

What? All right, go ahead.

So we're at this restaurant,

bunch of people, I don't know everybody,

I make the casual error

of admitting that I'm not vegetarian.

And this one guy, like, gets all bent out of shape.

"Oh! Oh, so...

So, you'll eat a steak?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, but you don't wanna watch them murder the cow."

Nailed it.

I love my brother.

I don't wanna watch my parents fuck.

You don't have to drag everything back

to the point where it's awful.

Everything is awful eventually, you know?

My daughter went to school in Massachusetts...

And we met in Massachusetts.

Yeah! When we were like, you were 19.

Yeah, I was 19.

And you're from upstate New York.

I'm from central New York, yeah.

Catholic, the whole same shebang.

Creepily similar.

Both were thought we were gay because we didn't go hunting.

Yeah, I got that.

"Gould, you're queer. You don't hunt."

Yeah, I'm gonna stay here with the women folk

while you go out in the middle of the woods

with a bunch of dudes all huddled together...

Having a thermos of coffee and matching fucking outfits.

I'm big queen in this scenario.

"Hold me, Dave, I'm cold."

"Shoot the deer, he saw us!"

So, there's a car dealer back in Boston named Ernie boch,

and Ernie boch is, like, a...

You guys have a car guy that does his own commercials?

- You must... what's his name? - Yeah.

- Cohen. - What is it?

Mr. Terry Cohen. He's a man who can put you in a truck.

Terry Cohen. The man who can put you in a truck?

- That's a lot of serial killers. - Yeah, exactly.

"I'm a man that can put you in a Van."

Yeah.

Smell the rag.

"I have a voice in the back of my head

that says you need to be

in the back of a windowless vehicle!"

"We refuse to sell doorhandles!"

"That's how we get the savings."

So, Ernie boch is that guy.

"I'm Ernie boch, come on down to Ernie boch."

That kind of guy, right?

So, my friends know him and they hook me up,

and I buy a car.

So, time goes by, and my daughter calls me

and she goes, "the mechanic wants to talk to you."

I'm back in L.A.

- Never good, right? - Always a good sign.

Yeah, he goes, "Mr. Goldthwait,

the engine block is cracked in this car."

I go, "oh, so it needs a whole new engine?"

He goes, "well, here you go. I'm gonna stop you.

It's not worth putting it in,

'cause there's a hairline fracture

to the entire frame of this car."

So, Ernie boch sold me a piece of shit car, right?

Now... let's jump ahead. I go back to Boston,

third row, I'm doing a show...

Ernie-fucking-boch!

So, I tell the story

of him selling me this piece of shit car.

I'm kind of an asshole in this story, right?

And now, he does the right thing.

He actually gets me a better car and he apologizes, and...

All right, so now let's jump ahead,

and I was sexting with this woman named Erica,

and I didn't have my glasses on.

I sent Ernie boch a filthy text in the middle of the night.

Like, 2:00 A.M., and he answered it immediately.

He's like, "hey bobcat, this is Ernie boch."

"I don't think you meant to send me this."

"Merry Christmas." Which...

Which makes the story even weirder.

This guy says, "merry Christmas."

And I was wracked with shame.

And then eventually, I'm like, fuck that guy, you know,

I'll never see him again.

Au contraire,

my comedy friends.

I was directing on this show, community,

and it's about seven in the morning

and I'm on the set,

and looking over at Joel mchale and I'm like,

"that guy... that looks like Ernie boch."

Ernie boch and Joel mchale are friends!

So then...

Joel brings Ernie over and he goes,

"hey, bobcat, do you know Ernie?"

And Ernie boch, swear to god, he goes,

"yeah! I know bobcat. He wants to eat my pussy."

Still can't look at the audience

telling that story.

Still have to look down.

My brother used to, well, he just hunted all year long,

and then the game warden would come in with bolt cutters

- and open up his freezer... - Yeah, his freezer.

- And find... - "Where'd you get all this?"

"It's pretty fresh."

- Yeah. - But when I was a little boy,

he was trying to peel the skin off of a deer in the garage...

Yeah.

And so he just, "well, here's what you do.

You just make incisions all the way down the skin

and attach the other part to your Volkswagen."

Oh, no, no, no!

- Bumper. Yeah. - No.

"Gun it!"

And then I watched the deer snap in half.

- Oh, no! - Yeah.

They used to gut deer and hang them upside down

- off the tree in our front yard. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And get angry that our neighbor, Mrs. Anderson,

would close her window

'cause she didn't wanna stare into a deer's guts.

"You don't know what these deer did!"

Every man in my family,

I have four older brothers,

my dad, they all hunt.

They all own a lot of guns.

But none of them think

that they need them to ensure their Liberty.

See, and I own... I'm not talking about owning a gun.

I own a gun.

I live in a big, scary city,

and I'm afraid the day might come

when I have to kill my family.

I mean, I understand it.

Or some people at work.

But I'm talking about the people

that have to hoard hundreds of military-grade weapons,

'cause one day Liberty might be at risk.

I guess they'll decide when that is.

They don't seem concerned when it's actually at risk.

But one day, somebody'll pass a law

where you can't drive through a national park

in a truck made of chainsaws,

and they'll lose their shit.

They'll stop making camo pants in a 48 waist,

and they'll go ballistic

over the loss of their fucking Liberty.

And then them and their six fat friends

are gonna take on the entirety of the U.S. military

from the front porch of their shack,

and this is a commonly held, never challenged,

mental illness in our country.

And I understand why.

I understand why.

For the same reason that when I go to any movie

with charlize theron in it, however small the part,

I bring a condom.

Because you never know when she's gonna stop the film,

walk off-screen,

pick me out of the crowd and insist that we fuck.

You have to be always prepared for something

that has no chance of happening in a million fucking eternities.

Zero!

I always appreciate when my next guest drops by, because...

Gosh, he makes me seem so sane by comparison, you know?

Please welcome bobcat goldthwait.

This was a while ago. This is old Bob behavior.

Arsenio got fired,

and I spray-painted "Paramount sucks"

on the backdrop of the set.

And then threw the cushions of the couch.

And then I knocked over this monitor

that cost thousands of dollars.

Oh!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No!

We'll be right back.

And then he tackles me,

and we're rolling around on the ground

and he goes, "thanks, man."

He's a very nice guy.

He's a nice guy.

You did set the tonight show on fire.

Oh. Yeah, I kind just glazed over that.

Anyone else sweet,

and I love Jay very much

and I thought what if I, I don't know...

What if I set his furniture on fire?

Don't set that on fire.

Now you have to sit in this.

I got arrested. I set the tonight show on fire.

Sit down. Sit down.

Leno was screaming at me. They cut that out of the show.

Bobcat, I'll be speaking to you after the program.

And then I had to go to court.

My own attorney goes, "plead not guilty."

I'm like, "I saw the footage."

"I'm pretty sure it's me."

My punishment for setting the tonight show on fire,

I had to do TV commercials.

Hi! This is bobcat goldthwait.

This is the way you're used to hearing me.

But I can change back to my regular voice

just as quick.

But if you were seriously burned,

things never change back.

The Birmingham fire Marshall didn't like my performance,

and I had to go back a couple days later

and refilm the commercial.

Like, even the fire marshal in bir...

You know, in Hollywood is like,

"you know, bobcat, you're giving me an eight,

and I need a ten."

I was really frustrated,

'cause I'd on these talk shows all the time

and it didn't affect anything.

I wasn't getting any work...

Please welcome and hang onto something...

- Say hello... - Ladies and gentlemen...

- To bobcat... - Bobcat goldthwait!

And I would go on, and people liked me,

I would do real well, but I was more of a spectacle.

I was turning into Richard Simons or something.

You're not supposed to wear underwear in a kilt,

- you know that? - Oh, my god!

Calm down!

I felt I deserved more, which is bullshit,

because, I mean, I was kind of an asshole.

We've had actually a guest break the show,

ladies and gentlemen.

When I would smash up a show or something,

I wasn't like going, "oh, this is good for my career,

this is bad for my career."

I was more like going, "I'm done with my career."

- Hm-mm. - And I also, it didn't work,

because as soon as I set the tonight show on fire,

I got booked on Regis and kathie Lee.

Here he is, bobcat "Bob" goldthwait!

Bobcat! Hey, Bob! Hey! Stop. Stop.

Bobcat. Hey!

Bobcat! No, Bob.

No! No! Don't do that!

I was really unhappy, and I couldn't understand why.

And then I finally realized

it was because I didn't like being famous.

I didn't like being in front of the camera.

How do I define success?

I truly believe that success is for creeps.

I decided that I was gonna write and direct

and tell my own stories.

And if that means I have to live in an apartment

and have roommates or whatever it's gonna take,

I was willing to do it. I was willing to do anything.

Because I couldn't take being famous

for just being famous.

The happiest I've ever been

was when I turned away from success.

You gotta remember, 'cause you're young,

but you gotta realize that it's really important to quit.

My hope for you is that you never stop quitting.

People get confused with success with happiness,

versus being fulfilled.

Like, I make small independent movies

that, like I joke, you know, make hundreds of dollars.

I hear you guys have a section. Let me see.

- Wanna see it? - Yeah!

- Great directors, yeah! - So, you...

I just like to hang out under the sign here.

Yeah.

Bob scratchgold farm.

But here, look. My name is still misspelled.

G-o-l-d-w-a-i-t-h.

Hey, you know. You win some, you lose some.

It's the people's republic of spring break, america.

Like, you're supposed to be happy all the time.

But that's not fulfillment.

Like, am I happy all the time? No.

Am I fulfilled good portions of my life?

Yeah. Do I have good friends

and do I have a daughter that loves me

and a girlfriend that loves me? I'm pretty lucky, you know.

Yeah. I'd feel...

My friends drop dead at an alarming rate,

but outside of that...

I did want to talk to you about it...

I opened for nirvana,

which is always weird for people to hear,

- 'cause it's like... - Sweet gig for a comic.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

It's like Kurt was a fan of my stand-up and that.

People were like, "what?" It's like finding out

that Jimi Hendrix really loved buddy hackett

or something but...

Yeah, we met him and interviewed him in Ann arbor.

- We just asked him a question... - We were just awestruck.

He's pretty much a mellow guy,

you know, he's sitting there talking.

And then ask a question and he just goes to the mic...

You know, I personally don't think he's funny,

but I like him. He's a great guy.

That's just my opinion of him.

So, the first show, the first show I did,

I go out there...

And by the way,

I did learn the serpentine while I was opening for them,

because people, if I paced, people could fucking lock-in,

and they'd hit me with boots and bibles, and they had m-80s.

I got hit with a teenager once.

Someone, they successfully threw a kid out of the pit.

And he hit me here in the back of the legs,

and the kid scurried off like a crab.

We would sit around all night and tell stories and I'd go,

"I once dry humped Michael Bolton

while he was trying to sing, and got thrown off stage."

And then, he would go, "I once paid

a Michael Jackson impersonator to follow me around,

so people would think Michael Jackson was a fan."

And we would just, like, try to top each other.

- That's amazing. - He's very sweet.

You know, we really were the family

that there was keg parties, you know,

it was like, bikers on the front lawn

and kids got to drink...

But we'd sit around at dinner

and talk shit about all the neighbors,

like we were the Kennedys or something, you know.

And my brother always had the police over.

Even his dog had the police over.

His dog bit a cop...

It's just like...

My mother would always go, "I'm proud of all my sons."

- Oh, man. - I'm like, really?

You're proud of your son that's...

On drugs, sleeping on your couch

and has the police over the house

every other day, you know?

I actually do a bit about that

that I don't think I fit into our show yet,

but it's, like, I call my mother, like...

"Hey, mom! They picked up my show

for a third season.

This is huge! This is amazing! I'm gonna get three seasons."

"Well, your sister

found a blue Jay's nest in her mailbox."

"Those aren't the same things, not even a little!"

One is an accomplishment based on hard work and talent.

"One is a random thing that could happen to anybody!"

I'm sure that every...

I'm sure that every overachiever has that mother.

Like, I'm sure Neil Armstrong was like, "hey, mom.

Just had a big meeting at NASA.

Guess whose son

is gonna be the first guy to walk on the moon?"

"Well, your brother just walked into the carport

and caught a racoon giving birth."

"Okay, terrific!"

I'll call you when I'm back from the fucking moon!

"How about that, mom?" Click.

My mom was into...

She was a Christian,

and she was really into Evangelical,

she was, like, really into oral Roberts.

Heal!

Woo, I feel good! Hallelujah!

And so, my mom and I would go grocery shopping.

And we would steal part of the groceries.

Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things

go on behind the scenes of the supermarket.

And the money that we had saved...

We would send to oral Roberts.

Not a lot of people know this.

Oral Roberts has a brother named anal.

- Anal Roberts. So, you're... - And vaginal Roberts.

Wait.

I think you're using your comedy to hide the pain.

Your mother would make you steal

- and then... - Not make me. I was all in.

It was...

But she did this for Jesus?

Did she shoplift for Christ or for oral Roberts?

You know, no, I'd come home from school

and she would be praying to oral on the TV,

like her hands are on the TV screen.

She was really into, like, witchcraft and astrology

and all this weird stuff.

And it's also, she's...

'Cause she's from the backwoods.

- She's literally from... - Oh, okay,

so that's why the witchcraft?

Yeah, she's from the backwoods of Virginia.

I mean, I had a bunch of warts on my hand,

I had 48 warts on my hands as a kid.

- Wow! - Yeah.

- That's hot. - Yeah, it was really hot.

It was superhot.

- You had 48 warts on your hand? - Hm-mmm.

You know how I got them off?

My grandmother from Virginia

tied knots of black thread over them and muttered.

- I was supposed to take... - Urgh, did it work?

No, it didn't work!

- Oh, do you remember... - Your dad.

- I met your family. - Bob met my dad.

We were in New York,

and we'd been doing this tour and we had gig

up in Boston, and I said to Bob,

and this, this is okay, it's a habit, I'm fine.

I've been... processed.

My mother, unfortunately, at this time in her life

is suffering dementia and she lives in a nursing facility.

And so I said to Bob, "hey, I'm gonna drive up to Boston,

but I'm gonna drive alone,

'cause I'm gonna stop off and visit my mom

in the nursing home, and then I'll meet you at the gig."

And Bob said...

"Oh, I'm coming."

- Not that I'm laughing. - You can't blame him.

That's what a friend would be. I was gonna be there for you.

Yeah. So we go.

And my father, of course, is there.

I'll tell you about my father.

I watched gran Torino with my dad,

which was like watching king Kong with a gorilla.

My father... when we were growing up, my dad was a bartender.

And he would come home from work

in the middle of the night, in the middle of the week,

come into our room, turn on the lights,

and just start singing.

But he was shitfaced!

So he'd only get about a line in,

and then he'd just start to improvise, you know.

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ you have to show your teeth ♪

♪ 'cause that's a big smile ♪

♪ and your eyes have teeth ♪

What the fuck is going on in here?

Well, it's two in the morning on a Wednesday and I'm nine...

Indirectly, I'm buying a psychiatrist a boat.

So...

We go to the nursing home,

and it's just a lovely family get-together.

Me, my dad, my mom with dementia,

and bobcat.

And it was a good day. It was a great day.

- Yeah. - It was very sweet.

My mother had, she's like, "no, I get up in the morning,

I go down to have breakfast, Barbra grillo is here."

Who's our old friend from the neighborhood.

She goes, "we catch up, and then I come up to the room

and I get everything straightened out,

and father comes."

It's a good day, and we're leaving.

I'm feeling pretty good, like, oh, she was great.

It was terrific, maybe she'll get outta here.

And we're in the elevator, me, dad, and Bob...

And I go to my father, I go,

"that was great!

I didn't know Barbra grillo was here,

that's great for mom."

My dad goes, "yeah, Barbra grillo's been dead

for about 25 years."

And then Bob said...

"So they don't have breakfast together."

Yeah...

You have to know that.

Dana's dad is like an aneurism with hair.

Yeah, it's just like, it's like a...

A fist in a windbreaker.

Yeah. Yeah.

And we're in an elevator when I said that.

So, yeah, and he turned. My dad, by the way, 89.

And could fucking kill you.

Yeah, still scares the shit out of me.

And he turned... Remember in Jurassic park

when the dinosaur saw the guy behind him in the outhouse?

My dad like...

And then we were like, "oh, god! Dad's gonna kill bobcat!"

"Then he's gonna beat me to death,

'cause I'm the witness."

I saw your dad trying to figure out, like, like...

Is he one of mine? Like... can I fucking punch him?

Like all this shit was going through your dad's head.

And now, is your dad gonna watch this

and be upset that, like,

I'm calling him an aneurism with hair?

Probably.

No, he'll think it's funny. He's very self...

- I have to say, for a guy who... - He's aware.

He's self-aware, astoundingly so.

It's like, he's a guy that's really, really,

really, really smart and doesn't value it at all, you know?

I was raised, I'm from Boston, Irish catholic, shame...

Any, shame.

My mother used to tell us to flush before we peed,

because it would get the urine away from us faster.

"It's the champagne of Satan, get it away from your body!"

Wait. You had to flush it, so it...

Flush it and then start peeing, so the pee wouldn't linger.

It would just go away.

- 'Cause the devil made it. - Wow.

'Cause it came from my body. I am a grown man!

To this day, if I'm alone in the hotel,

I wanna beat off, I still turn off all the lights,

get down behind the couch...

No...

No.

Wait, where am I in this?

You're not in the room.

I'm not in the room? Okay, good.

I didn't know that you were crazier than me.

Oh, yeah.

- You're really crazier. - Oh, yeah.

But you look normal and people think I'm crazy.

But it's the bit. I'm quiet one.

"I'm gonna kill you." That's me.

- You're the loud one. - Yeah. It's like... yeah.

Well, in 1994, I stayed awake so long

that the hospital could not believe that I wasn't on drugs.

Had you had coffee?

Yeah, I was having to function.

Like, during the day. But at night I could not.

I mean, it was, it was a lot of shit...

You stayed awake for a week. Were you upset about something?

Yeah, no, it was a bit, I visited my home

and the dysfunction triggered an underground ocean of anger.

So now, Friday comes, I have not slept,

and it's meltdown time 'cause I'm like this.

Knowing I have to move tomorrow I'm like this in my den...

I was completely insane,

and basically, the only way I got through it

was when I would decide to get up,

I would just say, like, well, if today's unbearable,

- I'll kill myself today. - Wow!

And that would... Gave me permission to try.

- To try to kill yourself? Oh. - To live that day.

Like, you know, all right, I can kill myself at five,

but I can fuck around till five.

You're not very good with follow-through.

Procrastination saved my life.

So...

And then eventually, I get to the hospital.

And then, yeah, they had the staff psychiatrist.

He goes, "what you have is this thing

we usually see in veterans that're in firefights.

That their body cannot let them relax

because they feel so under threat."

Basically, I had PTSD.

He says, "sounds like you went into a panic."

Have there ever been other times in your life

- when you've been in a panic?" - "Always!"

"I'm always in a panic!"

When I was a kid I was afraid to get on the school bus

because I was afraid the school bus would not bring me home.

When I'd go to school,

I was afraid to be in school,

'cause I was afraid they'd never let us go.

If the teacher left the room I was... I would cry,

'cause I wouldn't think the teacher would come back

and we'd be stranded at school. I was in fifth grade!

I'm crying! The teacher left the room!

I said, "I have to talk to my parents."

And the doctor was like, "well, don't call them expecting"

- "them to step up." - Yeah.

"'Cause you're setting yourself up."

I go to the root of the problem and call my dad,

who I haven't talked to in 30 years.

And dumped 30 years of shit on them.

And he was great.

He was so cool.

I said, "well, dad, you know, I feel like you hate me

because I made fun of you so much on stage."

"No, think it's funny, you know, I understand."

"Well, I have a lot of problems with it

and we don't talk."

"And I don't wanna be telling this to your grave,

and I don't want you telling it to mine."

Because, basically, I was... I had grown very tired

of not being a member of my family.

As fucked up as they are...

I wanted to be a part of them a little bit.

And I actually began a relationship

with my family. Which is a really cool thing.

And I also realized

that I had really, really great friends, and...

In a way, it was the worst week of my life,

and it the best week of my life.

And I was so terrified

that these little pills would take away my funny.

And they didn't, so thanks. Goodnight.

Um...

I used to talk about my dad on stage,

about him being a bad magician.

My dad would... he was like a performance artist,

but everything that he did was

inspired by budweiser.

He was a...

A sheet metal worker, but would just do things like

he would say he's gonna jump off the frigerator,

but he would.

He'd climb on top of the refrigerator

with like a helmet and a cape...

And he would tell me and all the neighborhood kids

that he was gonna dive

into an open jar of mayonnaise.

And we would get the mayonnaise and open it,

and we'd drag it out.

And as a kid, I'd be like...

And then my dad would go, "ah, that's hellmann's!

Aw. It only works with miracle whip."

But he would do this shit over and over.

But my favorite thing,

later on in life my dad became a magician,

and he was not good.

And he'd go, "I don't like doing kids' parties

'cause they figure out the tricks."

I like only senior citizens' homes.

Because they thought he was a wizard.

They thought he really had powers.

And he got into props later on. And he didn't even do magic.

And he had a Jack-in-the-box and it'd go...

He'd built it,

and the bottom would fall out

and there was a clown on a noose.

And it had a note pinned to his chest saying,

"I couldn't take that song anymore."

It's a great joke.

When I was a little boy he would go,

and I was the youngest, he'd say to the other kids,

"someday you're gonna be rich and famous

and you're gonna take care of me."

- So... - Two out of three, pops.

But, you know, when I was a kid I really loved stand-up comedy.

I mean, when I was a tiny kid.

- I was watching George carlin... - Yeah, me too. Exactly.

I was watching dinah shore, and I was nine years old,

and he was doing his poem on hair.

And I said to my mom, "what does he do for a living?"

And my mother says, "that's what he does for a living."

And that's when I no longer wanted to be veterinarian.

I wanted to be a comic.

But I was, like, so obsessed

that by the time I'm actually getting on stage,

like 15, 16 years old,

I hated stand-up comedy.

- You're already sick of it. - I was, yeah.

I decided I wanted to make fun of it.

My mother was the one

that turned me on to Andy Kaufman,

he was on the dick Van dyke show.

- Wow! - And my mother goes,

"come in here. You're gonna like this guy."

I would like to imitate ed McMahon.

And now, here's Johnny.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

And I did gravitate towards people like Andy Kaufman.

Will you please welcome Bob goldthwait and Jo-Jo.

Carson hated me.

So, when Joan rivers, who was quitting...

She was quitting to go to fox, yeah.

But giving them an f-u

because they didn't make her the host

even though she was the guest host.

Which they should've done.

So, she booked me on the show.

Thank you very much. It feels...

Thank you very much. It feels nice.

Thank you very much. Feels nice to be here tonight!

I gotta explain what's going on here tonight!

So I went on as a dog act,

and I said my dog got hit by a car and I was crying.

I call him, I call him... I call him my father.

And, and I say, I said, I said,

"dad, I'm on the tonight show and Jo-Jo died!"

And, you know, my dad is like really wonderful,

and he said, "well, is there anything I can do for you?"

And I said, "yeah, you can replace him."

So please welcome Tom goldthwait, my father!

And made an old man I said was my dad

jump through a hoop.

Come on. Come on, boy.

Dad, sorry!

And catch frisbees in his mouth.

Thank you!

Stay!

Stay! Get back, back.

Ah, ah!

That's really funny.

We were in a car accident,

and just to clear up some rumors,

Jerry Seinfeld was not driving the other car.

Jerry Seinfeld on his show,

rich comedians in cars

bitching about their diamond shoes

being too tight.

My friend Bridget Everett was on, and they ring me up,

and Jerry Seinfeld goes fucking crazy...

- If you're funny, you win. - Yeah.

If you're not funny, you don't.

And he's not funny.

That's why he had to do that stupid voice.

'Cause you have no act.

I love Bridget,

and he just wanted to punish her for being my friend.

You can tell him, by the way, all of that.

That's why he didn't like me.

'Cause I could actually do it.

I can do it. I can do comedy.

- Yeah. - He can't.

I love him.

- Oh... - You can love him.

He's gonna need the love,

'cause he's not gonna get it from the public.

- Oh, my god. - 'Cause you don't have skills.

- Oh, my god. - You don't have any talent.

Jerry Seinfeld finally has an opinion,

and it's about me.

Yeah, that's true.

You know.

Bobcat, we fucking love you!

Thank you.

- All right, thank you. - I love you!

But... and I appreciate that, but here's the thing.

I'm so happy I can connect with an audience,

and I'm so happy that you like me,

but sometimes I don't connect with an audience at all,

but I don't go home and say, "oh, they don't love me."

I just go, "meh, shitty day at work."

- Yeah. - I don't confuse...

Because I know that my merit and as a human being

isn't related to how much audiences love me.

I know my merit as a human being

is what kind of human being I am.

And...

Poor Jerry Seinfeld

that he feels he's gotta take me down a couple notches.

"I gotta... that goldthwait's playing them off,

like, we gotta crush him."

You know, I mean...

- He's a sore winner. - Why does he not like you?

Oh, maybe I did say some things a couple years ago.

Uh...

He's the devil.

No...

He's a spooky, weird guy banging teenage girls.

I think we'd better use the word "alleged" more.

Allegedly, that's the rumor I heard.

I may have pointed that out.

And I may have done other things.

And right now I'm like, I get, you know what I mean?

I could go bleurgh on Seinfeld, but that's old Bob behavior.

Like right now I wanna go "grr, Jerry Seinfeld, grr, ah!

His only talent is being Larry David's friend, grr!"

You know? It's easy for me...

You wanna say that now, but now you would.

That's old Bob behavior.

No, no, seriously. Larry David, really,

went on to do curb your enthusiasm

and Jerry did a show in a car with a fucking gopro.

But I certainly was pretty vicious to that guy,

- I mean... - Hm-mmm.

But it's always about...

Wow! Wow!

We just went by a confederate flag.

A big one, by the way. Holy crap!

Let's pick up the speed.

Who's the senator from Alabama

that beat Roy Moore?

- Doug Jones. - Doug Jones, thank you so much.

He beat Roy Moore.

That was interesting in that election

where the christians voted for Roy Moore,

because they said they didn't believe the woman's story.

Sounded a little far-fetched.

Christianity!

A religion based, if nothing else,

on believing a woman's story

that sounds a little far-fetched.

We can't go there.

That would bring logic into it, and the whole thing crumbles.

But Doug Jones kept going,

"well, you know, I was a district attorney,

and as a district attorney, I prosecuted the ku klux klan."

And I don't have any problem

with prosecuting the ku klux klan.

But I'm all for it, in fact.

But as a bragging right, was that the hard job...

At that particular trial?

Isn't the hard job defending the ku klux klan?

I don't know where you're going.

Just follow me. Just follow me.

We do the show together... The opinions are different.

That's all I'm saying. Not all the opinions...

I'm gonna say, all right, just trust me.

- Oh, no. - Just trust me.

I just don't want collateral damage.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know...

We're in north Carolina and you're going...

I know where I'm going.

Twenty miles in any direction, it's hazard county.

I know. Yeah.

We saw some very interesting sheets on the clothes line.

Yeah!

All right, so let me say this right out of the gate.

The ku klux klan...

Flawed organization.

Let me finish.

Just let me speak, please.

Let me speak.

Even from a design standpoint...

Their weapon of choice,

flaming torches.

Their uniforms,

flowing, billowy fabric.

How did that look happen?

Was there a big meeting

fifty miles east like in the 1800s...

Bunch of crackers out in the woods,

"we should go and rid this house

of the negros and the Jews.

"And we should go to do it dressed up like scary ghosts."

"Yes, I see a hand in the back with a question. Wilson?"

"If y'all's gonna be ghosts,

can I be a Dracula?"

"First of all...

It's Dracula, not a Dracula."

"Dracula is a vampire..."

"But his name is Dracula."

"Like you can be a werewolf

but you're the wolfman."

"Hello!"

So, this klan guy was one of your fans?

He's... yeah...

He knows...

He knows who forrest j. Ackerman is.

- Yeah. - Just leave it at that.

"Secondly, no."

It's been decided...

We're gonna rid this house of the negros and the Jews,

and we're gonna do it dressed up like scary ghosts.

"Next question. What a surprise. Wilson."

"Are the horses also ghosts?

'Cause I dunno if I can ride a ghost horse."

"We're not really ghosts.

We are dressed as ghosts

and the horses are horses.

Yes, Wilson?"

"Do the horses know

we're not really ghosts?"

"Or do we have to saddle up and go, 'haa'?

Buttercup, it's only me."

"I'm not really a scary ghost.

I just hate the negros and the Jews."

How did you guys meet?

Rob and I met... it was jdate.

No, um...

I found Bob to be such attractive, funny male.

I... Rob and I met,

we weren't supposed to meet.

I was at a comedy club in Boston

and I said, "Robin Williams is coming.

Would you go hide?"

But he shows up at the comedy connection,

this is like back when I'm wearing leisure suits

and I have a lot of mascara on.

Oh, shut up!

And Paul barkley goes,

"Robin Williams is coming to the show.

I don't want him to see you, go hide in the kitchen."

So...

And they don't want him to see you.

So, then Robin comes into the kitchen,

'cause he's trying to get away from everybody,

and he's like, what're you doing in the kitchen?

That's how we met.

I've noticed that I do talk about Robin sometimes,

and I talk about him

and I feel weird if it becomes a bit.

But I do like to talk about that he had

this thing called lewy body dementia,

so he didn't process...

Now, a lot of people think lewy body dementia

is when you don't think you're jacking off

in front of a woman against her will,

but you are.

- This is a different kind. - Yeah.

Hats off, buddy, you made me laugh.

But I talk about this disease,

because it attacked Robin's brain

and it was misdiagnosed as Parkinson's.

And he...

My heart goes out to anybody that had someone commit suicide

or deals with depression and stuff,

but like, in pop culture and stuff,

people want to make it about him depressed

or him alcoholic or something,

but this thing was giving him really fucked up information.

I dealt with him all day long, I would get insane texts.

But we had him at doctors,

he was around his... Family loved him,

and, you know...

Like, people go, "oh, you know, you guys were so close.

Did he ever talk to you about suicide?"

I'm like, "we're comedians,

we talked about suicide for 31 years, you know."

Sometimes we talked about other shit,

you know, it'd be like,

"hey, you got an Oscar, congratulations."

"Thanks, how'd you do it?"

"I dunno. A car."

And it's close to him

because I spent so much time with him,

bored out of my fucking mind,

and I don't think you can even imagine that.

But I would just hang on, and we wouldn't do shit.

He'd play call of duty for hours on end.

I'd be like, "bro, really? This what we're doing today?"

And he's playing people online,

and finally one day I go, "how old

are these people you're playing?"

He's like, "I dunno, 12, 13."

And I love that there's people who are grown up now

that were like, "I think

the genie from Aladdin just called me a cocksucker."

And he did.

You know, one of the things is...

I was really mean to you when I met you.

Dana's here and his folks are here,

and he thinks he has to do the right amount time,

and I wasn't gonna bust his balls.

Come on out here and do that bit you do

about women having stinky pussies here.

Do that stinky pussies bit, will ya?

Mom and dad wanna hear your stinky pussy bit.

They know it.

No! They would love to hear the stinky pussy bit.

- You were harsh. - Was I?

But it's so funny.

I was 18 and I was funny. I mean, I was really good.

When...

But I had the maturity...

Of a 14, 15 year old.

When you saw me coming were you like,

oh no, here comes that guy?

When I saw you coming I would fade into the background.

Oh, my god, that's horrible.

- Yeah. - Did you...

In fact, I remember, I lived in San Francisco,

and I walked out of aardvark's on haight...

- Yeah, yeah. - And I walked out and realized

I was right behind you and your wife, and I was like...

Why didn't you like her?

She was very nice.

I was on a flight going, this is true,

I was on a flight going from Los Angeles to New York,

and midway through the flight the engine blew up.

It was like...

The plane dropped,

that's not the noise it made, clearly.

Clearly, I'm not the black guy from police academy.

It was like, it went...

Thank you.

And there was a rooster on the wing...

And a lawn sprinkler...

I don't know how he does it. It's magic. So...

Oh, by the way, I got ambushed by these people, tmz.

They came out and they were, like, going,

"hey, bobcat!

They're rebooting police academy,

don't you think the original cast should be in it?"

And I go, "no." And they go, "why not?"

I go, "'cause a lot of us are dead."

I said, "if they're gonna reboot it",

they should do what they did to 21 jump street

and make it a comedy this time.

Snappidy-doo!

That made air.

And then I said, "I don't think this is a good time to do

a wacky movie about the police."

And the kid's like, "why?"

I go, "'cause they're killing civilians."

So...

The engine blew up on the right side of this plane

midway through the flight...

Oh, and it just dropped.

It didn't coast.

I found out later

that the pilot was just trying to get us to the earth

as fast as possible and then he leveled up,

but we actually had drinks hit the ceilings

and people were hanging around and praying

and it was terrifying.

And I said, "watch the flight attendants,

that's how you survive something like this."

And I look over at the flight attendants

and they were looking out the window.

I find out later they were looking at a flaming engine.

They were looking out the window

and they turn around and they're sobbing.

They're crying.

"Oh, by the way, we're here for your safety first."

Fuck that!

These ladies are checked the fuck out.

They were like... Holding hands.

"I always thought you were professional, Karen."

As the plane was careening towards the earth,

the pilot got on and the pilot goes,

"hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot."

There's no reason to be alarmed.

We're gonna land in Cleveland

"in two to two and a half minutes."

It would've been more comforting if he was like...

"This is your pilot. Ahh!"

Do not look out the right side of the plane!

Ahh!

Ahh!

I think we've got 35 seconds,

"so I'm gonna try some shit I learned in pilot school."

"Kiss a stranger. Rub one out in your seat."

"Smoke. We used to smoke."

That would've been more comforting.

'Cause that's the voice of death.

You walk out of here tonight and, you know what I mean, like,

someone comes up out of nowhere and goes,

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

He's not, that's a drunk jock

that wants his buddies to pull him off you,

so he doesn't have to get in a fight.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

"Calm down, Todd. He's not worth it."

"You better get outta here. Todd's had a lot of fireballs."

But if you walk outta here tonight

and a guy comes up behind you and goes,

"I'm gonna kill you." That fucker's gonna kill you!

Maybe not tonight.

But you'll wake up, he'll be in your bedroom nude

with a hard-on and...

Goat scat all over his chest and a machete.

"I told you I was gonna kill you."

And now I'm gonna eat you.

And then you're gonna live in my belly forever and ever,

'cause we're gonna be tummy friends.

"Tummy friends till the end of time."

'Cause that's what cannibals believe.

All right. Here's the part of the story where people get,

well, just stick with me, okay?

The other people on this flight was a good portion

of the United States special Olympics team.

That's who was on this flight.

I can't change it so you're more comfortable,

stick with me...

It was 35 men and women

in red, white, and blue running suits with medals,

so if it wasn't the special Olympics team,

it was a really big hip-hop group

with down syndrome.

And as the plane was...

And you were worried about my klan bit.

And as the plane was careening towards the earth,

the pilot got on again, he goes...

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot."

There's no reason to be alarmed.

When we land in Cleveland,

the runway will be covered entirely in foam.

"At the very end of the runway will be a firetruck."

And this is the end of my life.

I'm dying.

And I thought about my daughter and I thought about my friends,

and then, clear as a bell,

one voice in the back of the plane went,

"firetruck!"

And I laughed. He was excited.

He was gonna see a firetruck.

And nobody else laughed.

I'm like, "really? You didn't hear 'firetruck'?"

That moment, I went from...

Atheist to agnostic in that single moment.

I was like, I'm gonna die,

but that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

And I know...

I know some of you

have special needs people in your family,

or you may work with special needs people,

but if you don't think they say or do anything funny,

you're denying that they're human beings.

'Cause that's the funniest thing

I've ever heard another human being say.

"Firetruck."

He was the one with the better attitude.

Yeah!

There's a quick amendment to this story.

This is a newer part of the story.

But we were talking about my friend Bridget Everett earlier,

who's super talented,

she's my favorite live performer,

she's amazing.

We did a pilot together with Michael Patrick king

and the three of us wrote it and I directed it.

I was super proud of it, I really liked it,

and the show didn't go and I felt really disappointed,

but it was a show with Bridget and she worked in an adult home

with adults with down syndrome.

So, that was the cast.

So, when I was researching,

I would go visit places like this,

and I learned that one of the symptoms

of having down syndrome,

it's true, it sounds like a generalization,

but it is true, one of the symptoms is empathy.

There's a big sense of empathy with folks with down syndrome.

So, we're filming this show...

So, we know the president does not have down syndrome.

True.

So...

- So, we're... - You can rule one thing out.

Yeah. So, we're filming the pilot, and...

If one member of the cast was happy, everybody was happy,

if one member was sad, everybody would get really sad.

So, I'm having lunch with the cast

and just making small talk. I go, "do you have any pets?"

And this one guy goes, "I had a dog, but he died."

And then everybody starts going...

And this guy across the table goes,

"I had three pets and they're all dead.

This is horrible, bobcat, why did you bring this up?"

And the whole table's crying.

Aw...

This one guy, Josh, gets up

and he holds the guy who said, "this is terrible,"

he puts his face in his hands and he goes,

"Kevin, it's gonna be okay."

And my heart, like, exploded. And then Kevin goes,

"don't ever touch me again."

Swear to god.

"I only want the girls to touch me."

I mean, when we met,

I was a train wreck of a human being.

I meet people I knew before I was 30,

and I just blanket apologize.

I don't blame you, but I feel that, like,

you thought comedy, like, you would see someone

and then you would be influenced by them.

Oh, yeah. Usually.

Jack Gallagher was my personality

for like a year.

Yeah, and then...

Because when you're 18,

you don't know who you are, anyway.

You, literally, like,

get a jacket at a store and you're like,

- "I'm this guy now!" - Yeah.

I thought you were kind of being like Tom Kenny.

And I called you a DNA vampire,

which is a really horrible thing.

And I've always felt really bad

I said that to you. I was really mean.

And I owe you an apology. I'm sorry.

But I never, I don't remember that,

- but it was... - I do.

- Because I was an asshole. - Oh, well.

I forgive you.

Earlier tonight

when I was talking about Michael Jackson,

people hated me for that joke.

Even if you dispute the obvious truth,

there's some stuff that you can't debate.

He used to carry around Emmanuel Lewis

like a bag of groceries.

Emmanuel Lewis was 35 at the time.

"Michael, please, my family's here."

"No, I didn't have a childhood."

And he had a chimp... bubbles.

And if you know anything about chimps,

chimpanzees are horrible animals.

And if you've ever read a newspaper story

about somebody who gets attacked by a chimpanzee,

the wounds are always horrific.

And they're always the same.

Because chimpanzees are born

with this thing called an attack protocol.

Chimpanzees are born knowing how to kill you.

And the first thing a chimp does when it attacks you,

and I wanna tell you...

I want you to know...

They say when a bear attacks you

you're supposed to make yourself look

as physically imposing as you possibly can.

And speak very... soothingly.

The trial and error

that went into figuring that out...

Is written in the blood of campers.

Bear!

♪ Mares eat oats and does eat oats ♪

♪ and little lambs... ♪

All right, don't sing pop songs from the '30s.

The first thing a chimpanzee does...

When it attacks you...

Breaks your jaw...

So you can't bite it.

Then...

It chews your hands off...

So you can't claw it.

And then...

It tears your genitals off...

I guess...

So...

You won't...

Rape it!

Chimpanzees are so full of themselves...

They actually think,

even after they've broken your jaw

and chewed off your hands,

you're still going to be angling to get him in the sack,

like, there are guys chasing them through the jungle.

You wouldn't have broken my jaw

if you didn't want it.

You wouldn't have come out of the tree

if you weren't into it, lady.

Even though my jaw's broken and my hands are chewed off.

And you know what else?

I'm tired of all the games.

Now...

This is...

I believe that there's...

My favorite thing in the world is when grass grows up

through the sidewalk.

Because, Bob, one thing we have in common,

of many things we have in common,

we're both anti authoritarians.

- Yes. - You know...

And I love it when some civil engineer

put a big chunk of concrete down and went like,

"there, this is the sidewalk from now on."

And then over time, grass,

which is not as strong as concrete,

just went, suck my balls.

Like when a tree fucks up a driveway. Eh.

And this is a discordant time

in our culture. Terrible.

And there's a yin and a Yang and the first sign of it, to me,

was the mister Rogers documentary.

I don't know if any of you saw it.

It's on Netflix now,

it's called won't you be my neighbor?

And it's amazing.

And the whole point of the documentary is like,

he's really mister Rogers.

That's it.

He's a nice guy, and he worked really hard,

and people loved him,

and he had adversity, and he worked through it,

and he was famous all his life, and he didn't rape anybody,

and we don't know how that happened!

We can't figure it out!

He never became an asshole.

The most moving part of the documentary

is he goes to visit koko the gorilla.

If you don't know,

koko the gorilla is a hyperintelligent,

silverback mountain gorilla,

had a kitten that it raised,

communicated in human sign language

with its trainers.

Loved watching mister Rogers' neighborhood.

So, they arrange for Fred Rogers to meet koko,

and Fred goes in and he sits down,

and koko comes out,

and koko was the size of a minivan.

And it's just this massive thing.

And he just sits there and she comes in and she sits.

And the first thing she does is she reaches down

and unties his shoes.

Because that's what she saw him do on television.

He would come in, sit down, and take off his shoes

and put on his sneakers.

And then she signed I love you.

And then she broke his jaw.

Chewed his hands.

It's not a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

So, that story reminded me of another story,

and that was Robin met koko twice.

And the second time Robin met koko...

Like, koko recognized him and knew him,

and she's signing and then, she's signing away,

and he's laughing and it's being interpreted,

and all of a sudden they just grab Robin,

the attendants,

and they just throw him out of the cage.

And he's like, "what happened?" And they go,

"she said she was going to take you back

into her enclosure."

And Robin goes, "well, then what would happen?"

He goes, "anything koko wanted to happen."

Koko wanted to fuck Robin.

That's a story a lot of people don't know.

Let me ask you a question about that.

Robin was one of your best friends.

- Yeah. Yeah. - He passed away.

And then Kurt cobain was one of your best friends.

Well, not a best friend,

- but we were friends. - You were very good friends.

So, who'd you say was your best friend now?

Thanks. Thanks so much.

- Dana gould! - Bobcat goldthwait!

I'm really glad you didn't die in that crash.

I'm glad you didn't die in that crash.

No, I am, though.

I'm glad you didn't die either.

Oh, good.

The movie would've been really short.