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1
00:00:31,250 --> 00:00:33,886
Why'd you pick San Francisco
to shoot your special?
2
00:00:33,986 --> 00:00:36,656
This is one of the best towns
that ever knew comedy.
3
00:00:36,756 --> 00:00:40,493
And this is the most historic venue you got
as far as comedians are concerned.
4
00:00:40,593 --> 00:00:42,328
'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here.
5
00:00:42,428 --> 00:00:44,430
Yeah, all the best came through the Bay.
6
00:00:44,497 --> 00:00:47,133
What about Richard?
What about Robin Williams?
7
00:00:47,233 --> 00:00:48,534
Carlin? Mooney?
8
00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:51,070
You don't necessarily
have to be the biggest star.
9
00:00:51,136 --> 00:00:53,539
As long as you come with it
then people coming out.
10
00:00:53,605 --> 00:00:55,307
They like to see live performances...
11
00:00:55,374 --> 00:00:57,476
because it's a savvy audience.
12
00:00:58,010 --> 00:01:01,046
San Francisco, are you ready?
13
00:01:03,915 --> 00:01:05,817
I don't think he can hear you.
14
00:01:05,884 --> 00:01:06,885
Are you ready?
15
00:01:10,422 --> 00:01:13,491
Welcome to the show.
Here's Dave Chappelle.
16
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,544
Oh, man.
17
00:01:35,112 --> 00:01:36,547
Oh, shit.
18
00:01:40,050 --> 00:01:41,585
Yes, bring it on, man.
19
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,124
Yes, thank you. Thank you all.
20
00:01:48,258 --> 00:01:49,793
Thank you for coming.
21
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,495
God damn.
22
00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:53,897
I did it big this year.
23
00:01:55,065 --> 00:01:56,833
From cable, nigger, goddamn.
24
00:01:58,468 --> 00:02:02,105
Thanks for coming out and thanks
for making a nigger feel comfortable...
25
00:02:02,172 --> 00:02:04,107
in the gayest place on earth.
26
00:02:07,343 --> 00:02:10,613
You guys got Disney World jealous
about this, motherfuckers.
27
00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:14,183
Man. I didn't really think
it was that gay at first.
28
00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:16,185
'Cause when I was coming here...
29
00:02:16,252 --> 00:02:18,754
everyone was like,
man, that place is really gay.
30
00:02:20,222 --> 00:02:22,992
What the fuck is everybody talking about?
It's not so gay.
31
00:02:23,025 --> 00:02:26,195
And then I wandered
into that Castro. God damn.
32
00:02:27,029 --> 00:02:30,733
I said, ''This is America's anus right here.''
This shit is deep.
33
00:02:34,870 --> 00:02:37,105
I went to that Tenderloin.
34
00:02:37,773 --> 00:02:40,475
There's nothing tender about that
motherfucker at all.
35
00:02:40,542 --> 00:02:43,845
That shit was rough. The opposite of tender.
36
00:02:45,313 --> 00:02:48,817
I have never seen
crack smoked so casually before.
37
00:02:51,987 --> 00:02:54,622
These niggers
was sitting in front of Starbucks...
38
00:02:54,689 --> 00:02:58,226
smoking crack and drinking coffee.
I said, this is off the hook.
39
00:02:58,326 --> 00:03:00,061
Talking about politics...
40
00:03:04,966 --> 00:03:08,035
I seen one crackhead
trying to break into somebody's car, man...
41
00:03:08,102 --> 00:03:10,304
and it struck a chord with me.
I tried to stop it.
42
00:03:10,371 --> 00:03:12,873
I said, ''Hey!''
And he looked back and saw me and said:
43
00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:13,974
''Keep an eye out.''
44
00:03:14,075 --> 00:03:17,945
I said, ''Nigger, that was me that said that.
I'm not trying to help you.
45
00:03:19,046 --> 00:03:20,781
''I want this shit to stop.''
46
00:03:25,819 --> 00:03:26,987
Crackheads are like that.
47
00:03:27,054 --> 00:03:30,424
I had a crackhead break my car window
one time. Broke it.
48
00:03:30,857 --> 00:03:32,626
You know what he stole?
49
00:03:32,859 --> 00:03:35,862
Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat.
That's all he took.
50
00:03:35,929 --> 00:03:38,431
Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad...
51
00:03:38,632 --> 00:03:41,301
I drove around the neighborhood
for five hours...
52
00:03:41,368 --> 00:03:44,904
looking for a crackhead
with chocolate on his face. I did this.
53
00:03:45,505 --> 00:03:46,973
I finally found him, I grabbed him.
54
00:03:47,073 --> 00:03:50,343
I said, ''Hey, man,
what's all this chocolate on your face?
55
00:03:50,777 --> 00:03:52,045
''Motherfucker.''
56
00:03:53,212 --> 00:03:55,014
He looked confused. ''Chocolate?
57
00:03:55,114 --> 00:03:57,250
''This is doo-doo, baby.'' I said....
58
00:03:58,651 --> 00:04:00,152
Oh, man.
59
00:04:04,423 --> 00:04:05,991
This place is insane.
60
00:04:06,992 --> 00:04:08,827
But you know what I like about San Fran...
61
00:04:08,861 --> 00:04:12,164
and the reason I picked this city
to do my special is because...
62
00:04:12,264 --> 00:04:16,235
of all the major cities in America,
somehow, people get along here better...
63
00:04:16,301 --> 00:04:18,904
than anywhere else I've seen in the country.
64
00:04:19,738 --> 00:04:20,973
That's right.
65
00:04:26,545 --> 00:04:31,016
And I always admire San Fran for that.
And today, I've realized how you did it.
66
00:04:32,784 --> 00:04:35,754
put all the niggers
on the other side of that bridge.
67
00:04:38,256 --> 00:04:41,292
They sure ain't happy on that side.
68
00:04:42,627 --> 00:04:47,265
You leave San Francisco, they're like,
''Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco.
69
00:04:48,432 --> 00:04:51,669
''Come back in April,
we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.''
70
00:04:51,902 --> 00:04:55,072
When you get to the other side,
''Welcome to Oakland, bitch.''
71
00:04:56,474 --> 00:04:57,708
Click. Click.
72
00:05:05,416 --> 00:05:09,152
It's fucking crazy.
But it also feels like it's an East Coast city...
73
00:05:09,453 --> 00:05:12,589
in the West Coast.
You guys got subways and shit.
74
00:05:13,256 --> 00:05:15,325
I'm scared of public transportation.
75
00:05:15,425 --> 00:05:17,794
I was on a bus that was held hostage...
76
00:05:18,662 --> 00:05:19,829
45 minutes.
77
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:22,666
Wasn't life-threatening.
Don't get that impression.
78
00:05:22,699 --> 00:05:25,502
It was a dude jerking off.
But the shit was scary, son.
79
00:05:25,568 --> 00:05:26,836
It was scary.
80
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:32,408
Right before it happened,
I was on the bus smoking a cigarette.
81
00:05:32,508 --> 00:05:35,144
It's a long story.
It's not the coolest shit I ever did...
82
00:05:35,178 --> 00:05:37,713
and people freaked out. ''Sir!
83
00:05:39,215 --> 00:05:41,984
''Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay?
84
00:05:42,585 --> 00:05:44,587
''This is everybody's air, sir.''
85
00:05:45,488 --> 00:05:47,890
I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble.
86
00:05:48,257 --> 00:05:50,025
And just at that moment...
87
00:05:50,459 --> 00:05:54,263
coincidentally, this homeless dude,
out of nowhere pulls his dick out.
88
00:05:54,496 --> 00:05:56,031
Started beating off.
89
00:05:56,498 --> 00:05:57,933
And I was furious.
90
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:03,138
'Cause nobody's saying shit to this guy.
They was just looking like, ''My God.''
91
00:06:06,308 --> 00:06:09,344
I was the only one on the bus
that had the balls to talk to him.
92
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,447
It's not even like I was brave,
really, it was that...
93
00:06:13,515 --> 00:06:17,018
I was sitting next to the motherfucker.
I had to say something.
94
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,422
Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow.
95
00:06:21,489 --> 00:06:23,658
Stop. Son, just stop.
96
00:06:27,128 --> 00:06:29,964
It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much.
97
00:06:31,032 --> 00:06:34,435
Guy's beating off on the bus,
means there's something wrong with him.
98
00:06:34,502 --> 00:06:38,072
He's not wrapped so tight.
I didn't wanna push him over the edge.
99
00:06:38,939 --> 00:06:42,543
Soon as I said something, all these
dummies on the bus, now they're brave.
100
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,344
''Oh, he's right.''
101
00:06:45,813 --> 00:06:49,349
''put your goddamn cock away.
I don't wanna see this anymore.''
102
00:06:49,416 --> 00:06:51,351
''I don't wanna see it either.'' ''Yeah.''
103
00:06:51,418 --> 00:06:52,452
Now, the guy flips out.
104
00:06:52,552 --> 00:06:55,756
''All right, everybody, back up,
back the fuck up.
105
00:06:58,725 --> 00:07:00,794
''I tried to be nice about this.''
106
00:07:01,895 --> 00:07:03,630
Now, everybody freaks out.
107
00:07:03,797 --> 00:07:06,099
''Oh, my God, it's a biological attack.''
108
00:07:08,535 --> 00:07:10,670
I'm caught in the middle.
I can't lose my cool.
109
00:07:10,737 --> 00:07:14,574
I said ''Everybody just calm the fuck down
or you're going to get me shot.
110
00:07:18,311 --> 00:07:19,645
''Let's all just be cool.
111
00:07:19,745 --> 00:07:23,182
''Let's do what this man says,
so he'll leave us alone.''
112
00:07:23,949 --> 00:07:25,651
Now everybody gets quiet.
113
00:07:30,356 --> 00:07:31,657
''That's better.
114
00:07:32,858 --> 00:07:34,693
''That is better.''
115
00:07:39,164 --> 00:07:43,135
And then he started walking
up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us.
116
00:07:50,809 --> 00:07:52,944
And then he starts making demands.
117
00:07:53,411 --> 00:07:55,180
''You in the pink shirt...
118
00:07:55,513 --> 00:07:57,415
''squeeze your tits together.''
119
00:07:57,949 --> 00:07:59,450
''Oh, God, no.''
120
00:08:04,455 --> 00:08:08,459
''You. Stick your finger in your butt.''
''Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?''
121
00:08:08,526 --> 00:08:09,894
''Oh, God.''
122
00:08:13,130 --> 00:08:15,966
He was working my way. The shit was tight.
123
00:08:17,368 --> 00:08:20,971
Just that minute, I got saved, dudes.
I was so lucky.
124
00:08:21,171 --> 00:08:23,707
This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped.
125
00:08:24,007 --> 00:08:26,176
He lost his mind. I seen it happen.
126
00:08:27,845 --> 00:08:29,980
He screamed out, ''Rush him.
127
00:08:30,747 --> 00:08:33,850
''He can't come on all of us.''
He charges down the aisle.
128
00:08:34,751 --> 00:08:37,587
And it's like a movie.
This homeless dude's seen him coming.
129
00:08:37,654 --> 00:08:39,022
He shot one off.
130
00:08:42,492 --> 00:08:45,228
I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigger.
131
00:08:53,569 --> 00:08:55,605
The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though.
132
00:08:55,705 --> 00:08:57,607
''No!''
133
00:09:02,044 --> 00:09:03,546
That shit was gross.
134
00:09:04,346 --> 00:09:07,983
It didn't kill him, but it was....
I'm sure that fucked his day up.
135
00:09:08,884 --> 00:09:12,021
You're not gonna have a normal day
if a homeless dude...
136
00:09:12,254 --> 00:09:14,823
busts a nut on your forehead
at 8:30 in the morning.
137
00:09:14,890 --> 00:09:17,192
That's a wrap on the rest of the day.
138
00:09:19,261 --> 00:09:21,630
That guy was freaking out. ''It burns!''
139
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:31,072
Everyone was standing around looking
at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad.
140
00:09:33,608 --> 00:09:36,544
I guess he was finished,
he came back to his senses.
141
00:09:37,445 --> 00:09:39,047
''Oh, this is my stop.''
142
00:09:40,949 --> 00:09:44,218
I said, ''Relax, motherfucker.''
I had to say something.
143
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,988
''Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it.''
144
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,858
I said, ''You can't get AIDS from a homeless
dude busting a nut on your forehead.
145
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,727
''That's not how it spreads.''
146
00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:55,329
I don't know if it's true.
That's just what I told him.
147
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,898
He was so scared, I had to say something.
148
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:03,037
I don't know where AIDS comes from.
Who the fuck knows?
149
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,905
Scientists don't even know.
150
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:10,010
Scientists still say AIDS started
'cause somebody had sex with a monkey.
151
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:11,979
Word?
152
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:17,751
After all this research, the best explanation
that you came up with....
153
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,687
Nobody fucks monkeys and people,
you idiot.
154
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,790
You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people.
155
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,292
That's it. There's no in-between.
156
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:30,063
You're not gonna get
monkey pussy on Tuesday...
157
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,832
and then be like,
''Well, let me call Charlene,'' on Thursday.
158
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:36,135
No. Once you fuck a monkey,
that's a firm decision.
159
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:39,538
I'm out of the human pussy game for good.
160
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,778
It's ridiculous.
They act like monkeys are just as open as...
161
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,646
waiting for people to fuck them, man.
162
00:10:47,746 --> 00:10:50,149
Monkeys don't wanna be fucked by people.
163
00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:54,086
Think about it. Think about how hard
it would be to catch a monkey...
164
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:57,189
and fuck it. That's ridiculous.
165
00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,791
That's how it had to go down.
166
00:10:59,858 --> 00:11:02,327
You think you're going to
walk up to him in the woods...
167
00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:04,463
and bribe this nigger
with fruits and bananas?
168
00:11:04,529 --> 00:11:06,097
''Hey, buddy, hey.
169
00:11:11,970 --> 00:11:14,973
''There you go, buddy, yeah.
170
00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:22,347
''There you go, your big bright red ass.
171
00:11:28,486 --> 00:11:30,588
''This big bright red booty.''
172
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,492
Do you know how strong a monkey is?
173
00:11:35,526 --> 00:11:38,295
It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk.
174
00:11:40,698 --> 00:11:43,934
Throw that shit in the tall grass,
to never be seen again.
175
00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:51,541
''Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club,
pick up some girls, you trying to roll?''
176
00:11:52,409 --> 00:11:54,111
''No, man, I'm cool.
177
00:11:55,245 --> 00:11:59,216
''I'm gonna stay home,
chill with my monkey.
178
00:12:02,819 --> 00:12:05,789
''You know how long it took me
to train this monkey...
179
00:12:06,556 --> 00:12:08,124
''to suck my dick...
180
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:10,660
''without peeling it?
181
00:12:15,098 --> 00:12:17,533
''Last night, Chimp-chimp
jerked me off with his feet.
182
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:21,370
''Nigger, only a monkey can show you
that kind of love and tenderness.
183
00:12:21,804 --> 00:12:24,540
''So you all keep fucking these people
if you want, niggers.
184
00:12:24,607 --> 00:12:26,709
''No, it's monkey pussy for me.
185
00:12:28,544 --> 00:12:31,046
''I'm hooking up with an orangutan
next week.
186
00:12:32,214 --> 00:12:34,783
'''Cause all I fuck
is chimps and orangutans.''
187
00:12:37,486 --> 00:12:40,589
You know who I feel real bad for is Indians.
188
00:12:40,989 --> 00:12:42,491
Everybody feels bad for the Indians.
189
00:12:42,591 --> 00:12:46,661
They get dogged openly,
'cause everybody thinks they're dead.
190
00:12:47,262 --> 00:12:49,364
These motherfuckers
are not all dead, all right?
191
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:52,233
I've seen, with my own eyes,
I've seen a gathering...
192
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:55,036
of 1,500 Native Americans.
193
00:12:55,437 --> 00:13:00,174
They were all gathered in one place.
The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico.
194
00:13:03,745 --> 00:13:06,147
They were everywhere.
I've never seen Indians before.
195
00:13:06,214 --> 00:13:08,216
I wasn't even sure if they were Indians.
196
00:13:08,316 --> 00:13:10,551
It was fucked up, but I asked one of them.
197
00:13:11,485 --> 00:13:14,288
It's not nice,
but I seen them in the sports section...
198
00:13:14,355 --> 00:13:17,892
looking at bows and arrows.
I had to say something. ''Excuse me...
199
00:13:20,995 --> 00:13:22,796
''I don't mean to be rude...
200
00:13:25,165 --> 00:13:26,567
''are you an Indian?''
201
00:13:27,134 --> 00:13:28,702
And he was cool. ''Yes.
202
00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:31,571
''Yes, I am Indian.''
203
00:13:32,739 --> 00:13:34,541
I still didn't believe him.
204
00:13:34,741 --> 00:13:36,209
I had to test him and be sure.
205
00:13:36,309 --> 00:13:38,812
This is fucked up,
but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket.
206
00:13:38,912 --> 00:13:41,948
So, I balled that shit up
and I threw it on the floor.
207
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:47,420
And a single tear came out his eye.
I said, ''Oh, shit.''
208
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:52,859
I have so many questions.
209
00:13:55,394 --> 00:13:57,530
I said, ''What tribe are you from?''
210
00:13:58,364 --> 00:14:01,033
''I am a Navajo.''
211
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:03,235
I said, ''Word?
212
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:07,573
''I studied you in Social Studies.
213
00:14:10,509 --> 00:14:12,711
''You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?''
214
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:16,415
He said, ''I guess so...
215
00:14:17,783 --> 00:14:20,052
''if that's what you wish to call it.''
216
00:14:20,252 --> 00:14:22,020
I said, ''Why, what do you call it?''
217
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:23,455
He said, ''I am...
218
00:14:24,556 --> 00:14:25,857
''an alcoholic.''
219
00:14:32,464 --> 00:14:34,265
I said, ''Well, what's your name, dog?''
220
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:37,435
He said, ''please. Dog is my cousin.
That was a good guess.
221
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:38,770
''My name is...
222
00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:40,805
''Running Coyote.
223
00:14:41,606 --> 00:14:43,341
''What is your name, friend?''
224
00:14:43,408 --> 00:14:47,378
And that shit caught me off guard.
I didn't wanna say my name was Dave...
225
00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:50,848
to a motherfucker named Running Coyote.
It don't feel good enough.
226
00:14:50,948 --> 00:14:52,750
He's putting me on the spot.
227
00:14:52,817 --> 00:14:54,618
I said, ''My name? What?
228
00:14:56,153 --> 00:14:57,955
''Oh, my name's Black Feet.''
229
00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:06,029
I changed the subject. ''Forget about me.
What's going on with you?
230
00:15:06,396 --> 00:15:08,065
''I wanna meet your chief.
231
00:15:08,131 --> 00:15:11,368
''Why don't me, you, your Chief,
and your friends get together tonight?
232
00:15:11,435 --> 00:15:13,804
''We could have
a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual.
233
00:15:13,904 --> 00:15:16,606
''We need to celebrate
'cause I thought you were dead.''
234
00:15:17,974 --> 00:15:21,011
And he set it up. It was beautiful.
It was just like I dreamed.
235
00:15:21,111 --> 00:15:24,147
We was all sitting around.
The Indians was beating the drums.
236
00:15:28,618 --> 00:15:30,553
Other Indians came out the back...
237
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:34,290
with a long blanket that was folded in half
and put in front of us.
238
00:15:37,593 --> 00:15:38,995
Opened that shit up...
239
00:15:39,061 --> 00:15:42,164
and on the blanket
was a long wooden pipe with feathers.
240
00:15:43,532 --> 00:15:46,068
And bags of weed were all over the blanket.
241
00:15:48,270 --> 00:15:49,872
The chief walked over.
242
00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:59,615
''The big ones are 50.
The little ones are 25 and these are 10.''
243
00:16:08,290 --> 00:16:10,525
Man, those Indians got high as shit.
244
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,863
I was baked. I told the chief.
He was talking, I cut him off.
245
00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:16,297
''Time out, Chief.
246
00:16:16,664 --> 00:16:18,132
''Sorry to interrupt.
247
00:16:18,466 --> 00:16:21,035
''I'm fucking smashed, man.
The weed's too strong.
248
00:16:21,102 --> 00:16:24,072
''You sure this isn't pCp?
The spirits have got me.
249
00:16:24,105 --> 00:16:26,474
''Chief, the spirits have got me.''
250
00:16:28,009 --> 00:16:31,612
And the Chief threw some water in my face.
''Calm down, Blackface.''
251
00:16:33,314 --> 00:16:36,350
I said, ''It's Black Feet, motherfucker.
Take it easy.''
252
00:16:41,188 --> 00:16:42,389
''Black Feet...
253
00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:46,693
''you are welcome to stay
amongst me and my tribe for the night...
254
00:16:47,828 --> 00:16:49,796
''until the spirits leave you.''
255
00:16:51,331 --> 00:16:54,234
And they gave me my own teepee
to sleep in...
256
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:57,904
which sounds nice.
I personally felt like it was a little fucked up.
257
00:16:57,971 --> 00:16:59,573
You know, 'cause they all had houses.
258
00:16:59,673 --> 00:17:02,776
It's like, why can't I sleep
with you all in the house and watch TV?
259
00:17:02,876 --> 00:17:05,311
Like, I can't be on this grass all night.
260
00:17:10,350 --> 00:17:13,886
The Indians is rude, man.
Everybody's rude, the Indians.
261
00:17:14,287 --> 00:17:17,356
They eating nasty food.
All they ate was corn and shit.
262
00:17:18,424 --> 00:17:20,459
Doritos, I think they called it.
263
00:17:22,628 --> 00:17:23,863
That's right.
264
00:17:24,029 --> 00:17:27,967
people only see the surface.
They see the division in our foods.
265
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:32,004
Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon...
266
00:17:33,539 --> 00:17:35,474
they think
there's something wrong with me.
267
00:17:35,507 --> 00:17:37,676
If you don't like chicken or watermelon...
268
00:17:37,709 --> 00:17:40,512
something is wrong with you, motherfucker.
269
00:17:40,979 --> 00:17:44,583
Where are all these people
that don't like chicken and watermelon?
270
00:17:45,383 --> 00:17:48,286
I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is.
It's great.
271
00:17:49,221 --> 00:17:53,992
I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to
do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken.
272
00:17:55,794 --> 00:17:57,462
It's the least I can do.
273
00:17:59,931 --> 00:18:03,568
They make fun of Latin people for eating....
What you all eating?
274
00:18:03,668 --> 00:18:06,537
Beans? Rice? Corn?
275
00:18:07,071 --> 00:18:09,907
Listen, that's not a reason
to hate a motherfucker, all right?
276
00:18:09,974 --> 00:18:12,777
It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate.
277
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:19,717
The only reason these things
are even an issue is because...
278
00:18:20,484 --> 00:18:22,052
nobody knows what white people eat.
279
00:18:22,152 --> 00:18:26,356
You've been very good at keeping
that shit a secret amongst yourselves.
280
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:30,827
I study white people. You don't know that.
I'm writing a paper on you.
281
00:18:32,462 --> 00:18:33,563
Not even for school, nigger.
282
00:18:33,663 --> 00:18:36,433
Just to do it,
just to do this independent research.
283
00:18:36,466 --> 00:18:39,502
I'm spending my money.
That's why I'm working so hard.
284
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,972
I follow you around grocery stores.
They freak out.
285
00:18:43,073 --> 00:18:44,174
I try to peek in their cart.
286
00:18:44,274 --> 00:18:47,710
They say, ''Get away from my cart, nigger.
What're you looking at?
287
00:18:48,945 --> 00:18:51,147
''Chicken and giblets are over there.
288
00:18:51,948 --> 00:18:55,151
''You must be lost. These are vegetables.''
289
00:19:01,824 --> 00:19:03,392
I know what you drink.
290
00:19:03,492 --> 00:19:05,027
See how quiet it got.
291
00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:07,596
Grape juice.
292
00:19:07,663 --> 00:19:11,367
Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know
I knew about grape juice, did you?
293
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,769
Oh, don't play dumb with me.
294
00:19:15,704 --> 00:19:19,408
A lot of black people don't have the
privilege of knowing about grape juice...
295
00:19:19,508 --> 00:19:21,376
because they have grape drink.
296
00:19:21,476 --> 00:19:23,812
It's not the same formula that you get.
297
00:19:25,814 --> 00:19:27,816
Ain't no vitamins in that shit.
298
00:19:28,817 --> 00:19:30,885
You might have one of your
black friends over.
299
00:19:30,986 --> 00:19:34,823
''Todd, would you care for a glass
of grape juice?'' ''What?
300
00:19:35,990 --> 00:19:37,992
''Nigger, what the fuck is juice?
301
00:19:40,061 --> 00:19:42,063
''I want some grape drink, baby.
302
00:19:43,231 --> 00:19:44,465
''It's purple.
303
00:19:47,268 --> 00:19:50,271
''I don't think I know what a grape drink is.''
''What?''
304
00:19:50,905 --> 00:19:54,475
''I have some apple juice, if you want.''
''What the fuck is juice?
305
00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:57,111
''I want some apple drink.
306
00:19:59,346 --> 00:20:00,547
''It's green.''
307
00:20:06,854 --> 00:20:08,822
Remember that commercial
for Sunny Delight...
308
00:20:08,889 --> 00:20:10,991
when all the kids
run in from outside playing...
309
00:20:11,058 --> 00:20:13,060
and they all run to the fridge?
310
00:20:13,727 --> 00:20:16,897
''All right, I got some purple stuff,
some Sunny D.''
311
00:20:16,963 --> 00:20:20,267
As soon as they say ''Sunny D,''
all the kids go, ''Yeah!''
312
00:20:21,668 --> 00:20:22,969
Watch the black kid in the back.
313
00:20:23,069 --> 00:20:25,305
If you see that commercial,
look at that black kid.
314
00:20:25,371 --> 00:20:27,874
He'd be like, ''I want that purple stuff.''
315
00:20:29,676 --> 00:20:32,045
That's drink, nigger, it's drink.
316
00:20:36,249 --> 00:20:37,617
They want drink.
317
00:20:38,784 --> 00:20:41,887
They don't want all them vitamins, man.
They want drink.
318
00:20:42,088 --> 00:20:43,622
Sugar, water, purple.
319
00:20:45,658 --> 00:20:48,027
That's the ingredients: Sugar, water...
320
00:20:48,928 --> 00:20:50,529
and of course, purple.
321
00:20:54,366 --> 00:20:55,968
It's too fucking much.
322
00:20:56,268 --> 00:20:58,036
I got a lot of things to talk about tonight.
323
00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:00,706
First of all, I've stopped smoking weed...
324
00:21:02,341 --> 00:21:05,577
with black people. You didn't let me finish,
motherfuckers. God damn.
325
00:21:05,644 --> 00:21:08,213
I'm sorry, black people,
to break the news so publicly...
326
00:21:08,313 --> 00:21:10,448
but I can't smoke with you anymore.
327
00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:14,052
Every time I smoke weed
with my black friends...
328
00:21:14,419 --> 00:21:15,954
all you talk about...
329
00:21:16,054 --> 00:21:18,590
is your trials and tribulations.
330
00:21:18,823 --> 00:21:22,060
I'm sick of that shit. I got my own problems.
That's a waste of weed.
331
00:21:22,126 --> 00:21:25,630
I'm smoking weed to run from my problems,
not take on yours.
332
00:21:25,696 --> 00:21:29,233
From now on, I smoke weed
exclusively with white people.
333
00:21:32,069 --> 00:21:34,705
Calm down, motherfuckers,
you win by default.
334
00:21:38,142 --> 00:21:40,144
You got good weed conversation.
335
00:21:41,245 --> 00:21:44,048
All white people talk about
when they get high...
336
00:21:44,248 --> 00:21:46,683
is other times that they got high.
337
00:21:48,819 --> 00:21:50,454
I could listen to that shit all night.
338
00:21:50,554 --> 00:21:54,257
''Dude, remember at Frank's last week,
I was fucking smashed, man.''
339
00:21:55,659 --> 00:21:59,229
And catalogs everything they drink.
''I had two shots of J�ger...
340
00:22:00,297 --> 00:22:02,866
''tequila, four bong hits, man...
341
00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,870
''beer, cheeseburger.''
342
00:22:08,738 --> 00:22:10,707
That shit is great. The only bad part is...
343
00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:14,377
you cannot pass out around white people.
344
00:22:15,711 --> 00:22:18,848
Every time white dudes
pass out around each other...
345
00:22:18,948 --> 00:22:23,085
they always do some borderline-gay shit
when the guys are sleeping.
346
00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:28,057
''Frank fell asleep so we, like,
stuck a carrot in his ass...
347
00:22:28,724 --> 00:22:31,026
''and put shaving cream on his balls.''
348
00:22:31,193 --> 00:22:33,829
Why, motherfucker?
Why'd you do that to a friend of yours?
349
00:22:33,896 --> 00:22:36,899
He trusted you to sleep around you.
You put a carrot in his ass?
350
00:22:36,932 --> 00:22:38,166
Is that nice?
351
00:22:40,469 --> 00:22:43,105
I'll tell you,
if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass...
352
00:22:43,171 --> 00:22:45,774
he will kill you when he wakes up
for some shit like that.
353
00:22:45,874 --> 00:22:49,210
That is an automatic death sentence
on the street.
354
00:22:49,411 --> 00:22:52,914
It's a wrap for you.
''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.''
355
00:22:54,549 --> 00:22:57,785
''I thought you all was friends, baby.
What happened?''
356
00:23:00,488 --> 00:23:04,058
''I fell asleep at his house.
We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house...
357
00:23:04,125 --> 00:23:06,227
''and while I was sleeping, right....
358
00:23:07,929 --> 00:23:11,465
''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
That's all you need to know.
359
00:23:11,899 --> 00:23:13,334
''And fuck carrots.''
360
00:23:17,371 --> 00:23:19,340
But everybody's getting along.
361
00:23:19,873 --> 00:23:22,142
I see that shit. I see it all around.
362
00:23:22,176 --> 00:23:24,711
Blacks and whites don't fight so much.
363
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:27,981
You know who don't have no beef
with anybody is Asian people.
364
00:23:28,048 --> 00:23:29,850
I see how you all be doing.
365
00:23:31,385 --> 00:23:33,220
You all just lay in the cut.
366
00:23:33,420 --> 00:23:37,090
The only people Asian people beef with
is other Asian people.
367
00:23:38,258 --> 00:23:41,294
Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese.
I've done this.
368
00:23:41,394 --> 00:23:43,029
They'll flip out. ''Hey.
369
00:23:44,497 --> 00:23:46,666
''What makes you think I'm Chinese?
370
00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:48,935
''I am Korean.
371
00:23:49,736 --> 00:23:51,504
''Do I look Chinese?''
372
00:23:52,505 --> 00:23:55,741
Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese.
That's why I said it.
373
00:23:55,808 --> 00:23:59,645
It's an accident. To the untrained eye,
you all look Chinese to me.
374
00:24:01,180 --> 00:24:03,182
It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you.
375
00:24:03,249 --> 00:24:06,886
Some say all black people look alike.
We don't get bent out of shape.
376
00:24:06,986 --> 00:24:09,788
We normally
just call those people ''police,'' okay?
377
00:24:11,056 --> 00:24:13,092
Just learn to live with it.
That's all I can tell you.
378
00:24:13,092 --> 00:24:14,426
Just learn to live with it.
That's all I can tell you.
379
00:24:15,227 --> 00:24:17,462
Everybody's afraid of the police now.
380
00:24:18,263 --> 00:24:20,465
I'm scared to death of these police.
381
00:24:20,532 --> 00:24:22,467
I am. I got a police scanner.
382
00:24:22,534 --> 00:24:25,370
First money I got,
that's the first shit I went out and bought.
383
00:24:25,470 --> 00:24:28,907
I just listen to these motherfuckers
before I go out.
384
00:24:28,974 --> 00:24:30,575
Just to make sure everything's cool.
385
00:24:30,675 --> 00:24:33,178
You hear shit on it. ''Calling all cars.
386
00:24:33,244 --> 00:24:36,915
''Be on the lookout for a black male
between 4'7'' and 6'8''.
387
00:24:39,984 --> 00:24:42,353
Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that.
388
00:24:43,554 --> 00:24:45,857
Gotta work on that alibi for a minute.
389
00:24:46,290 --> 00:24:48,426
Every black person needs an alibi.
390
00:24:49,493 --> 00:24:50,895
I do them impromptu joints.
391
00:24:50,995 --> 00:24:52,530
If I'm by myself and need an alibi...
392
00:24:52,630 --> 00:24:55,466
I open up the windows in the apartment,
turn the lights on...
393
00:24:55,533 --> 00:24:57,868
start beating off right in the window.
394
00:24:57,935 --> 00:25:01,505
Hey, everybody. Look, it's me,
Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off.
395
00:25:01,572 --> 00:25:03,607
Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35.
396
00:25:03,707 --> 00:25:05,776
Look at me,
I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35.
397
00:25:05,909 --> 00:25:09,046
Comedian Dave Chappelle,
June 10, note the time.
398
00:25:14,484 --> 00:25:16,052
That shit could save my life.
399
00:25:16,153 --> 00:25:18,054
''Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that.
400
00:25:18,154 --> 00:25:21,858
''I saw him in his window masturbating
from 2:35 to 2:37.
401
00:25:21,925 --> 00:25:23,827
''I'm certain of it.
402
00:25:24,194 --> 00:25:27,964
''He was standing on a clock
and holding a calendar and today's paper.''
403
00:25:31,267 --> 00:25:34,036
Fuck, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity.
404
00:25:34,103 --> 00:25:35,938
This shit is just the worst.
405
00:25:36,572 --> 00:25:40,343
I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man,
these motherfuckers.
406
00:25:40,409 --> 00:25:43,412
I went to Disney World with my kids,
which is a big deal for me.
407
00:25:43,446 --> 00:25:45,414
I don't get to see my kids so much.
408
00:25:45,514 --> 00:25:49,218
I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day.
Sleep for, like, half an hour.
409
00:25:49,285 --> 00:25:52,087
Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes
and I go back to work.
410
00:25:52,187 --> 00:25:53,188
Now...
411
00:25:55,657 --> 00:25:57,893
this particular day
I got to hook up with the kids.
412
00:25:57,993 --> 00:26:00,662
We went to Disney World.
Everybody at the park...
413
00:26:00,696 --> 00:26:02,097
fucking everybody.
414
00:26:03,632 --> 00:26:06,701
''Hey. I'm Rick James, bitch.''
415
00:26:13,808 --> 00:26:15,543
It's like, ''Hey, man, hey...
416
00:26:16,110 --> 00:26:19,247
''you mind not calling me a bitch
in front of my kids?
417
00:26:19,714 --> 00:26:22,216
''Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off.''
418
00:26:24,986 --> 00:26:26,053
Even Mickey Mouse did it.
419
00:26:26,154 --> 00:26:30,091
I said, this is the most unprofessional shit
I have ever seen in my life.
420
00:26:32,059 --> 00:26:33,527
''Rick James, bitch.''
421
00:26:34,662 --> 00:26:35,896
I was fed up.
422
00:26:36,864 --> 00:26:39,500
I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut.
423
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:41,235
Knocked his head clean off.
424
00:26:41,302 --> 00:26:43,704
Everybody was screaming. ''Oh, my God.
425
00:26:45,973 --> 00:26:47,708
''Mickey Mouse is Mexican.''
426
00:27:01,421 --> 00:27:03,690
I had a terrible time in Disney World.
427
00:27:04,257 --> 00:27:06,126
Disney World's like another country anyway.
428
00:27:06,226 --> 00:27:10,029
They got their own currency.
That shit is ridiculous.
429
00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:11,898
Soon as I check into the hotel:
430
00:27:11,931 --> 00:27:13,666
''Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle.
431
00:27:13,733 --> 00:27:17,570
''Can we interest you
in some Disney dollars?''
432
00:27:18,704 --> 00:27:20,373
''No, man, I'm cool.
433
00:27:21,374 --> 00:27:23,309
''Can't buy weed and pussy
with Disney dollars.
434
00:27:23,376 --> 00:27:24,743
''I'm on vacation.''
435
00:27:26,178 --> 00:27:27,780
I like them greenbacks.
436
00:27:28,414 --> 00:27:30,616
I Iike them greenbacks,
you know what I'm saying?
437
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:34,052
The kind of money people spend.
people are very particular about that.
438
00:27:34,153 --> 00:27:36,688
One of the main stories from the war was....
439
00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:40,859
The first big thing we did was they said,
''Now that Iraq has been liberated...
440
00:27:41,093 --> 00:27:45,097
''we have managed to take
Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.''
441
00:27:46,731 --> 00:27:50,302
And I'm not gonna lie. When that
press conference came on, I was choked up.
442
00:27:50,368 --> 00:27:52,203
I was actually proud to be an American...
443
00:27:52,303 --> 00:27:56,908
because that is a very subtle
psychological nuance of oppression...
444
00:27:56,975 --> 00:27:58,509
to have a dictator on your money.
445
00:27:58,576 --> 00:28:02,013
And it's thoughtful to be able to
take that motherfucker off...
446
00:28:02,046 --> 00:28:04,449
for the goodwill of another person, right?
447
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:08,686
But then I thought, if you could do that
for Iraq, what about our money?
448
00:28:08,786 --> 00:28:12,189
Our money looks like baseball cards
with slave owners on them.
449
00:28:14,625 --> 00:28:17,328
George Washington's the worst of the worst.
450
00:28:18,095 --> 00:28:19,396
Yes, I said it.
451
00:28:20,898 --> 00:28:24,168
We mythologize this motherfucker
like he was the greatest dude, man.
452
00:28:24,268 --> 00:28:26,303
If I went back in time with a white person...
453
00:28:26,370 --> 00:28:29,539
and we saw George Washington
walking in front of our time machine...
454
00:28:29,606 --> 00:28:33,410
my white friend would probably say,
''Dave, look, there's George Washington.
455
00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:36,613
''The father of this great nation.
I'm gonna go shake his hand.''
456
00:28:36,646 --> 00:28:40,216
I'd be on the other side like,
''Run, nigger! George Washington!''
457
00:28:41,885 --> 00:28:43,553
And we'd both be right.
458
00:28:43,987 --> 00:28:47,590
You like him because he wrote the
Declaration of Independence and that shit.
459
00:28:47,657 --> 00:28:50,460
''We hold these truths to be self-evident.
460
00:28:50,526 --> 00:28:52,862
''All men are created equal.''
461
00:28:53,796 --> 00:28:56,566
''Go get me a sandwich, nigger,
or I'll kill you.''
462
00:28:57,166 --> 00:28:58,968
''Liberty, justice for all.''
463
00:29:01,370 --> 00:29:04,940
Am I wrong?
Wait a minute, did he not own slaves?
464
00:29:06,008 --> 00:29:07,610
That's all I'm saying.
465
00:29:09,912 --> 00:29:13,248
I almost protested the war
in the beginning. Almost.
466
00:29:15,484 --> 00:29:19,554
Till I saw what happened to them
Dixie Chicks. I said, ''Fuck that.''
467
00:29:20,822 --> 00:29:24,793
If they'll do that to three white women,
they will tear my black ass to pieces.
468
00:29:24,860 --> 00:29:26,728
I don't wanna hear that shit.
469
00:29:27,195 --> 00:29:28,597
Yeah, man, they would.
470
00:29:28,663 --> 00:29:32,634
But I'm, like, for real, why do you care
so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying?
471
00:29:32,701 --> 00:29:36,571
It's not like they're political scientists.
They just can sing good...
472
00:29:36,604 --> 00:29:38,139
you know what I mean?
473
00:29:38,539 --> 00:29:41,976
Stop worshipping celebrities so much.
Just don't pay attention.
474
00:29:42,543 --> 00:29:47,248
I remember right around September 1 1,
Ja Rule was on MTV.
475
00:29:47,348 --> 00:29:50,051
That's what they said.
''We got Ja Rule on the phone.
476
00:29:50,084 --> 00:29:52,987
''Let's see what Ja's thoughts are
on this tragedy.''
477
00:29:53,154 --> 00:29:55,790
Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks
at a time like this?
478
00:29:55,856 --> 00:29:59,226
This is ridiculous.
I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death.
479
00:30:02,396 --> 00:30:05,866
I want some answers
that Ja Rule might not have right now.
480
00:30:06,567 --> 00:30:09,536
You think when bad shit happens to me,
I'll be in the crib like:
481
00:30:09,636 --> 00:30:12,773
''God, this is terrible.
Could somebody please...
482
00:30:13,206 --> 00:30:17,611
''find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker
so I can make sense of all this.
483
00:30:18,211 --> 00:30:19,813
''Where is Ja?
484
00:30:21,414 --> 00:30:23,049
''I need Ja Rule.''
485
00:30:28,054 --> 00:30:30,556
I don't even know why people listen to me.
486
00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:34,927
I'll say anything.
I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi.
487
00:30:35,027 --> 00:30:38,164
I don't give a fuck what comes out
of my mouth. I say what it takes.
488
00:30:38,264 --> 00:30:40,733
Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying.
489
00:30:42,668 --> 00:30:46,071
If you wanna know the truth,
can't even taste the difference.
490
00:30:46,138 --> 00:30:47,373
Surprise!
491
00:30:49,208 --> 00:30:52,011
All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently...
492
00:30:52,578 --> 00:30:53,946
so it tastes better.
493
00:30:55,714 --> 00:30:57,816
That's pretty much how the game goes.
494
00:30:57,916 --> 00:30:59,084
I'm just being real, man.
495
00:30:59,184 --> 00:31:01,486
There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities.
496
00:31:01,553 --> 00:31:04,756
people don't know what's fake
and what's real anymore.
497
00:31:05,157 --> 00:31:07,392
That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble.
498
00:31:07,859 --> 00:31:11,129
Look what happened to Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby said some real shit...
499
00:31:11,196 --> 00:31:13,565
and the whole world freaked out on him.
500
00:31:14,165 --> 00:31:16,134
For what? For having an opinion?
501
00:31:16,234 --> 00:31:19,137
Because he was selling pudding pops
for the last 40 years...
502
00:31:19,203 --> 00:31:22,140
people forget that he's a nigger from philly
and the projects.
503
00:31:22,206 --> 00:31:25,076
And he might say some real shit
from time to time.
504
00:31:27,178 --> 00:31:28,312
It's not that big of a deal.
505
00:31:28,379 --> 00:31:31,449
I spoke at my old high school
and I told them kids straight up.
506
00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:34,585
If you guys are serious
about making it out of this ghetto...
507
00:31:34,652 --> 00:31:36,053
you gotta focus...
508
00:31:36,187 --> 00:31:39,290
you gotta stop blaming white people
for your problems...
509
00:31:39,924 --> 00:31:42,659
and you've gotta learn how to rap...
510
00:31:42,726 --> 00:31:46,597
or play basketball or something, nigger.
You're trapped! You are trapped.
511
00:31:46,630 --> 00:31:49,333
Either do that or sell crack.
That's your only options.
512
00:31:49,433 --> 00:31:51,368
That's the only way I've ever seen it work.
513
00:31:51,435 --> 00:31:54,805
You gotta entertain these white people.
Gotta get to dancing.
514
00:31:56,773 --> 00:31:58,808
Go on out there and be somebody.
515
00:32:03,913 --> 00:32:05,615
I just hope they listen.
516
00:32:10,353 --> 00:32:14,290
This shit is ridiculous. people worship
television. They worship this shit.
517
00:32:14,390 --> 00:32:16,092
You know, like, if you watch a movie.
518
00:32:16,192 --> 00:32:19,395
Say you're watching a movie.
One character says to another character:
519
00:32:19,462 --> 00:32:22,898
''What's your number, man?''
What does the other character always say?
520
00:32:22,965 --> 00:32:25,134
''555-5555.''
521
00:32:25,634 --> 00:32:27,036
You know why they gotta do that?
522
00:32:27,102 --> 00:32:29,338
Because stupid-ass people
go to the movies...
523
00:32:29,405 --> 00:32:32,341
then go home and try to call the characters
that they just saw.
524
00:32:32,408 --> 00:32:34,143
''Hello, is Indiana Jones there?''
525
00:32:34,209 --> 00:32:37,045
No, motherfucker, he's fake.
It's not his number.
526
00:32:40,582 --> 00:32:44,352
To be honest, this is the worst time
in history to be a black celebrity.
527
00:32:44,453 --> 00:32:46,855
Fuck. They're locking all our stars up.
528
00:32:48,056 --> 00:32:50,525
It's hot right now for black celebrities.
529
00:32:50,659 --> 00:32:54,596
I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble.
I said, this is a wrap for us.
530
00:32:54,629 --> 00:32:57,131
He's one of the most wholesome dudes
we had.
531
00:32:57,866 --> 00:33:00,068
And they lock him up and everything.
532
00:33:00,868 --> 00:33:04,539
And Kobe kept it together.
Thank God he held his game together...
533
00:33:04,605 --> 00:33:08,943
because if he was cracking under pressure
and getting like, six points a game...
534
00:33:09,176 --> 00:33:12,213
the whole of L.A. would be like,
''That nigger is guilty.''
535
00:33:15,149 --> 00:33:17,051
Kobe was playing his ass off.
536
00:33:17,751 --> 00:33:20,821
He was playing
like his freedom depended on that shit.
537
00:33:21,689 --> 00:33:23,524
You see this motherfucker in them games...
538
00:33:23,624 --> 00:33:26,126
this nigger's trying to beat that case
on the court.
539
00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:36,703
Like the judge threw him the ball.
''play for your freedom.''
540
00:33:43,943 --> 00:33:47,313
If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say,
''Just relax, you'll be fine, man.''
541
00:33:47,380 --> 00:33:50,350
'Cause the public is still giving Kobe
the benefit of the doubt.
542
00:33:50,383 --> 00:33:52,652
He's one of the few black celebrities
getting that.
543
00:33:52,752 --> 00:33:55,688
Not cause he's a celebrity, more because...
544
00:33:55,788 --> 00:33:59,458
the girl showed up with
eight different semens to the investigation.
545
00:33:59,525 --> 00:34:00,926
You can't do that.
546
00:34:01,694 --> 00:34:03,295
That's seven too many.
547
00:34:04,463 --> 00:34:07,967
That's a lot of semen.
This bitch's got Noah's Ark in her panties.
548
00:34:08,067 --> 00:34:10,869
What's she trying
recreate humanity or something?
549
00:34:11,036 --> 00:34:12,404
She's a collector.
550
00:34:14,306 --> 00:34:18,176
Every unsolved mystery,
the answer might be in this girl's panties.
551
00:34:18,277 --> 00:34:20,245
That's the first place I'd look.
552
00:34:20,412 --> 00:34:22,447
OJ's other glove is in there.
553
00:34:23,515 --> 00:34:25,016
Bigfoot's footprint.
554
00:34:25,750 --> 00:34:28,353
Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker.
555
00:34:32,190 --> 00:34:34,626
She's got the most diabolical drawers ever.
556
00:34:35,527 --> 00:34:38,663
Fuck being a celebrity.
This is not the time to be a black star.
557
00:34:38,730 --> 00:34:40,832
They're locking all our stars up.
558
00:34:41,766 --> 00:34:45,036
Black celebrities.
It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it.
559
00:34:45,236 --> 00:34:46,804
It's all OJ's fault.
560
00:34:48,706 --> 00:34:53,110
Ever since OJ got away, white people
just been locking up our stars, one by one.
561
00:34:53,577 --> 00:34:54,645
It's true.
562
00:34:54,845 --> 00:34:57,982
And it's all.... It's not even OJ's fault.
It's our fault.
563
00:34:58,148 --> 00:35:00,684
We celebrated too openly
when OJ got acquitted.
564
00:35:00,784 --> 00:35:03,187
We should've been quiet about that shit.
565
00:35:03,387 --> 00:35:06,557
Soon as there's, ''Not guilty,''
niggers are dancing.
566
00:35:06,590 --> 00:35:08,859
Oh, in your face, in your face.
567
00:35:11,294 --> 00:35:13,096
Hurts, don't it? It hurts.
568
00:35:13,196 --> 00:35:16,766
Burns, doesn't it, man?
Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it?
569
00:35:17,667 --> 00:35:20,603
Welcome to my world, motherfucker,
and all that shit.
570
00:35:21,805 --> 00:35:23,973
White people wanted OJ's ass bad.
571
00:35:24,707 --> 00:35:28,711
The city of L.A. spent over $1 2 million
just trying that motherfucker.
572
00:35:29,112 --> 00:35:32,415
And the look on white people's faces
when he was acquitted...
573
00:35:32,515 --> 00:35:33,583
priceless.
574
00:35:43,626 --> 00:35:47,730
And that's why I don't trip off
being a celebrity. I don't like it.
575
00:35:48,030 --> 00:35:49,298
I don't trust it.
576
00:35:49,365 --> 00:35:51,867
One minute they all love you,
the next thing you know...
577
00:35:51,934 --> 00:35:54,570
you're in front of a courthouse
dancing on top of a car...
578
00:35:54,670 --> 00:35:57,139
trying to figure out
what the fuck happened to you.
579
00:36:05,947 --> 00:36:07,349
That's what I'm waiting for...
580
00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:11,019
'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson
shit is what makes me doubt it.
581
00:36:11,753 --> 00:36:15,790
Every time there's wars going out of control,
or the economy is bad...
582
00:36:15,857 --> 00:36:17,926
or something is wrong
with the world at large...
583
00:36:18,026 --> 00:36:19,861
it's always these moments in history...
584
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:22,463
that Michael Jackson will coincidentally...
585
00:36:23,664 --> 00:36:26,167
jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous.
586
00:36:26,667 --> 00:36:29,303
Are you planning this shit?
You have meetings?
587
00:36:29,770 --> 00:36:31,772
''Michael, thank you for coming.
588
00:36:32,540 --> 00:36:35,576
''As you know, the war has not
been going as well as we expected.
589
00:36:35,676 --> 00:36:39,313
''There's been a lot of hiccups,
and the public is asking us...
590
00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:41,749
''a lot of questions, of course...
591
00:36:41,815 --> 00:36:45,085
''and well, Michael,
there's no nice way to say this...
592
00:36:45,185 --> 00:36:48,589
''and all I know how to do is be direct,
so let me just be direct.
593
00:36:49,556 --> 00:36:52,926
''We're gonna need you to jerk off
another child, Mike. I'm sorry.
594
00:36:53,026 --> 00:36:54,394
''I am sorry.
595
00:36:56,329 --> 00:36:58,365
''But, it would really help out.''
596
00:37:00,567 --> 00:37:02,969
Or maybe he didn't, who knows?
597
00:37:03,503 --> 00:37:07,307
That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say,
who knows? Who the fuck knows?
598
00:37:07,373 --> 00:37:10,777
Mike, God, and this little boy knows.
That's about it.
599
00:37:12,645 --> 00:37:15,715
The only reason that I can even
talk about this shit...
600
00:37:15,781 --> 00:37:18,284
is because everybody is speculating.
601
00:37:18,384 --> 00:37:20,653
They all think he did it.
I don't think he did it.
602
00:37:20,753 --> 00:37:23,255
I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it.
603
00:37:23,422 --> 00:37:26,458
I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it.
That's too strong.
604
00:37:30,663 --> 00:37:33,232
Let me just say I am reserving judgment...
605
00:37:34,299 --> 00:37:36,168
until all the facts come out.
606
00:37:36,902 --> 00:37:40,339
So far from what I heard....
I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer...
607
00:37:40,405 --> 00:37:42,174
he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation.
608
00:37:42,274 --> 00:37:46,111
He claims he had two weeks to live
and it was his dying wish...
609
00:37:47,179 --> 00:37:48,914
to meet Michael Jackson.
610
00:37:49,581 --> 00:37:51,249
Come on, man, give me a fucking break.
611
00:37:51,349 --> 00:37:53,685
This kid is 10 years old.
He don't remember Thriller.
612
00:37:53,785 --> 00:37:56,821
What the fuck he want to meet
Michael Jackson for? Honestly.
613
00:37:57,989 --> 00:38:01,726
I remember Thriller and I just, like,
kind of want to meet this nigger.
614
00:38:01,893 --> 00:38:03,861
I wouldn't break an appointment
to meet him.
615
00:38:03,895 --> 00:38:06,964
I'll put it that way.
I'd have to already be free.
616
00:38:07,064 --> 00:38:09,300
That's ridiculous.
If I'm dying in two weeks and go:
617
00:38:09,367 --> 00:38:12,903
''Mama, get me in a room
with Chubby Checker''...
618
00:38:13,304 --> 00:38:15,706
I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker...
619
00:38:15,773 --> 00:38:19,677
not in my last two weeks.
Why not Usher or somebody like this?
620
00:38:20,377 --> 00:38:22,146
So then the kid claims...
621
00:38:23,047 --> 00:38:26,316
he goes to Michael's house.
This is where it all gets crazy.
622
00:38:26,383 --> 00:38:28,852
He does everything
that you'd expect at Michael's house.
623
00:38:28,952 --> 00:38:32,456
They climbed trees and rode roller coasters
and Ferris wheels.
624
00:38:32,556 --> 00:38:34,591
The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes.
625
00:38:34,624 --> 00:38:38,695
They was petting a monkey and giraffes,
singing songs. Kid shit.
626
00:38:39,663 --> 00:38:42,499
And in the middle of
all this childlike activity...
627
00:38:42,732 --> 00:38:44,134
for some reason...
628
00:38:45,268 --> 00:38:47,670
Mike put out some wine and some pills...
629
00:38:50,373 --> 00:38:52,175
and sucked this kid's dick.
630
00:38:53,276 --> 00:38:55,144
Folks, it hurts me to say it.
631
00:38:56,546 --> 00:38:59,048
And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse.
632
00:38:59,148 --> 00:39:01,050
Motherfucker, that is a good host.
633
00:39:01,150 --> 00:39:03,152
God damn. What else do you want?
634
00:39:06,956 --> 00:39:10,859
I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink
at my friend's house...
635
00:39:11,627 --> 00:39:14,463
let alone a roller coaster ride
and my dick sucked.
636
00:39:17,132 --> 00:39:20,335
Mike must be confused like,
''I brought you in my house, I fed you...
637
00:39:20,435 --> 00:39:23,905
''I sucked your dick, and this is how
you repay me, motherfucker?
638
00:39:23,972 --> 00:39:26,341
''This was your wish, not mine.
639
00:39:28,843 --> 00:39:31,980
''Thought you were dying in two weeks.
What happened to that?
640
00:39:32,047 --> 00:39:35,950
''I've been in court for a year-and-a-half.
You get stronger every time I see you.''
641
00:39:40,021 --> 00:39:43,391
Wouldn't it.... This is fucked, though.
I shouldn't even say this.
642
00:39:43,458 --> 00:39:45,226
Wouldn't it be some ironic shit...
643
00:39:45,259 --> 00:39:48,462
if they found out through this case
that the cure for cancer...
644
00:39:48,496 --> 00:39:51,132
was Michael Jackson
sucking your dick, somehow?
645
00:39:53,534 --> 00:39:55,903
Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile...
646
00:39:55,970 --> 00:39:58,472
and all the kids are like,
''please, Mike, suck on this.''
647
00:39:58,539 --> 00:40:00,007
''Never again.
648
00:40:00,941 --> 00:40:02,743
''They didn't appreciate it.''
649
00:40:06,113 --> 00:40:08,315
''Can we at least study your saliva?''
650
00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:10,951
''please, Mike.''
651
00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,925
It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop.
652
00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:22,929
And the only reason I can talk about Mike is
'cause he's a freak.
653
00:40:23,029 --> 00:40:26,299
He is a freak.
That's why people let you talk about him.
654
00:40:26,366 --> 00:40:30,169
If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids,
it'd get quiet as shit.
655
00:40:33,606 --> 00:40:37,410
But when Michael Jackson does it,
it's okay, because he's a freak.
656
00:40:37,577 --> 00:40:39,378
His face is all cut up.
657
00:40:39,445 --> 00:40:43,416
And just remember, when you look at
that thing that he calls his face...
658
00:40:44,016 --> 00:40:46,085
that he did that for you somehow.
659
00:40:47,419 --> 00:40:49,588
Somehow he thought maybe it'll help.
660
00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:53,258
''Maybe people will like me more
if I turn myself into a white...
661
00:40:54,226 --> 00:40:57,062
''ghoulish-like creature.''
I don't know what it is...
662
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:58,931
but he did it for you.
663
00:40:59,364 --> 00:41:01,433
And I appreciate the gesture,
Michael Jackson.
664
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,869
If you're watching this,
I appreciate that gesture...
665
00:41:03,935 --> 00:41:05,971
and I want you to know, fuck everybody.
666
00:41:06,071 --> 00:41:09,107
Dave Chappelle understands.
'Cause you wanna know something?
667
00:41:09,174 --> 00:41:11,810
I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes.
668
00:41:12,844 --> 00:41:15,346
Nothing major.
You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you...
669
00:41:15,413 --> 00:41:19,050
but it's some shit I'm insecure about
that I wanna work on.
670
00:41:19,617 --> 00:41:20,685
If you must know...
671
00:41:20,785 --> 00:41:23,654
I'm getting Botox done on my balls
to get these wrinkles out.
672
00:41:23,755 --> 00:41:26,924
Finally, to have these
just as smooth as eggs.
673
00:41:28,392 --> 00:41:29,727
Oh, I can't wait.
674
00:41:31,629 --> 00:41:33,364
I cannot wait.
675
00:41:35,432 --> 00:41:38,535
And I'm not stopping there.
That's just phase one, baby.
676
00:41:38,936 --> 00:41:42,139
I'd be like Bob Vila,
these old balls, I'm fixing them up.
677
00:41:43,173 --> 00:41:45,108
I'm plucking all the hair out.
678
00:41:46,710 --> 00:41:48,712
I gotta make room, I know this.
679
00:41:49,579 --> 00:41:52,949
I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on...
680
00:41:53,016 --> 00:41:55,485
with mean expressions, like this.
681
00:41:56,887 --> 00:42:01,124
Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom,
so they got beards like me.
682
00:42:05,328 --> 00:42:08,698
Then I'm hitting that beach
and looking for ball-suckers.
683
00:42:09,532 --> 00:42:12,068
I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this.
684
00:42:14,070 --> 00:42:17,406
And walk up to women with a confidence
I've never had before.
685
00:42:17,707 --> 00:42:19,075
''pardon me, miss...
686
00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:21,577
''I don't mean to be rude...
687
00:42:22,812 --> 00:42:24,647
''but do you suck balls?''
688
00:42:26,415 --> 00:42:27,583
''Excuse me?''
689
00:42:28,050 --> 00:42:30,586
''Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish.
690
00:42:31,253 --> 00:42:34,223
''Do you suck these balls?''
691
00:42:36,892 --> 00:42:40,128
''Oh, my God,
those balls are as smooth as eggs.
692
00:42:41,697 --> 00:42:43,265
''Yes, I'll suck them.''
693
00:42:45,567 --> 00:42:49,137
I've played this scenario out in my mind
a million times, ladies.
694
00:42:49,371 --> 00:42:53,208
That's how it always ends,
''Yes, I'll suck those balls.''
695
00:42:58,446 --> 00:43:02,417
All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim.
696
00:43:05,086 --> 00:43:06,687
I know it was rough...
697
00:43:06,954 --> 00:43:09,924
but I mean, again,
I can't even judge R. Kelly.
698
00:43:10,024 --> 00:43:12,326
We don't know
if these allegations are true or not.
699
00:43:12,426 --> 00:43:16,463
Even if they are true, if you wanna know
how I feel about it, honestly...
700
00:43:16,530 --> 00:43:18,699
if a man cannot pee on his fans...
701
00:43:19,133 --> 00:43:23,303
I don't wanna be in show business anymore.
Because that's why I got in the game, baby.
702
00:43:23,370 --> 00:43:24,738
I got dreams, too.
703
00:43:29,810 --> 00:43:31,211
You guys are confusing the issue.
704
00:43:31,311 --> 00:43:35,215
While you guys are busy worrying about
if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not...
705
00:43:35,315 --> 00:43:37,350
you're not asking yourself
the real question...
706
00:43:37,417 --> 00:43:39,619
that America needs to decide
once and for all.
707
00:43:39,686 --> 00:43:41,354
And that question is:
708
00:43:41,654 --> 00:43:43,656
''How old is 15, really?''
709
00:43:48,027 --> 00:43:49,829
No, that's a good question.
710
00:43:51,764 --> 00:43:54,901
I'm not saying that a person is as smart
as they're gonna be at 15.
711
00:43:54,967 --> 00:43:56,536
That's not what I'm saying, man.
712
00:43:56,636 --> 00:43:59,772
But I am saying, 15 to me...
713
00:44:00,139 --> 00:44:01,874
is old enough to decide...
714
00:44:02,375 --> 00:44:05,010
whether or not you want to be pissed on.
That's me.
715
00:44:05,110 --> 00:44:07,980
If you can't make a decision like that
by the time you're 15...
716
00:44:08,047 --> 00:44:11,817
then just give up, motherfucker,
because life is way harder than that.
717
00:44:12,284 --> 00:44:14,186
I make tougher decisions all the time.
718
00:44:14,253 --> 00:44:16,455
You don't wanna get pissed on,
get out of the way.
719
00:44:16,488 --> 00:44:17,556
It's not even a decision.
720
00:44:17,623 --> 00:44:21,059
If I start peeing on the front row
they won't have to calculate and think:
721
00:44:21,126 --> 00:44:24,296
''How do I feel about this?
Am I okay with it?'' They just move!
722
00:44:26,865 --> 00:44:28,967
You can do that at 15. I could have.
723
00:44:29,067 --> 00:44:32,904
I've been 15. When I was 15,
I was doing stand-up in nightclubs.
724
00:44:32,971 --> 00:44:34,372
I smoked reefer from time to time.
725
00:44:34,472 --> 00:44:37,508
My friends were selling crack.
I was trying to finger-fuck people.
726
00:44:37,575 --> 00:44:41,312
I knew what was happening around me
to some degree.
727
00:44:42,647 --> 00:44:46,817
Getting pissed on
was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me.
728
00:44:50,087 --> 00:44:53,257
But it keeps coming up.
There's a lot of confusion around that age.
729
00:44:53,290 --> 00:44:55,860
Any time 15 comes up, people freak out...
730
00:44:56,026 --> 00:44:58,862
Iike when that girl
Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped.
731
00:44:59,129 --> 00:45:00,130
Right?
732
00:45:00,431 --> 00:45:03,734
In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl
Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped...
733
00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:06,737
then they finally found her
and the whole country was relieved.
734
00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:10,674
And I was the only one saying,
''Damn, she wasn't that smart after all.''
735
00:45:10,941 --> 00:45:13,610
Not 'cause she got kidnapped.
That could happen to anybody.
736
00:45:13,710 --> 00:45:14,911
I'm not knocking her for that.
737
00:45:14,978 --> 00:45:17,847
I'm just saying,
if you kidnapped me when I was 15...
738
00:45:19,115 --> 00:45:23,219
you gotta take me further than 8 miles
away from my house, man. God damn.
739
00:45:23,853 --> 00:45:27,891
You can't hold me prisoner around shit
I recognize. I'll break away.
740
00:45:28,324 --> 00:45:31,928
Fuck off, that's my bus stop.
I know where I'm at. I'm going home.
741
00:45:38,267 --> 00:45:41,303
She was missing for six months
8 miles away from her house.
742
00:45:41,370 --> 00:45:43,672
That's two exits, man. That's nothing.
743
00:45:45,808 --> 00:45:49,612
While she was missing.... During
this half a year that this girl was missing...
744
00:45:49,645 --> 00:45:53,348
there's a 7-year-old black girl
gets kidnapped in philadelphia.
745
00:45:53,415 --> 00:45:57,152
Nobody knows her name. They might've
talked about it a few times on the news...
746
00:45:57,219 --> 00:45:59,087
but she should've been the top story.
747
00:45:59,154 --> 00:46:02,791
She chewed through the ropes and had
both of these motherfuckers in jail...
748
00:46:02,858 --> 00:46:05,460
in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old.
749
00:46:06,194 --> 00:46:07,829
I'm not making this up.
750
00:46:10,699 --> 00:46:15,036
These two crackheads kidnapped her,
took her to the crackhouse and tied her up.
751
00:46:15,637 --> 00:46:16,938
And then they left her.
752
00:46:17,005 --> 00:46:19,540
They gotta make moves,
crack to smoke, chocolate to eat.
753
00:46:19,607 --> 00:46:21,542
They made moves. They was out.
754
00:46:23,044 --> 00:46:25,947
Soon as they left,
this little girl got to nibbling.
755
00:46:26,981 --> 00:46:30,751
She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home
watching herself on the news at 5:30.
756
00:46:30,818 --> 00:46:33,687
That shit is crazy. That's a news story.
757
00:46:36,390 --> 00:46:37,391
Now...
758
00:46:39,493 --> 00:46:40,928
meanwhile in Utah...
759
00:46:42,496 --> 00:46:45,766
15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors
left her alone, too.
760
00:46:45,866 --> 00:46:48,502
And they didn't even tie her up
'cause they're hillbillies.
761
00:46:48,569 --> 00:46:49,703
They just bounced.
762
00:46:49,770 --> 00:46:53,140
''Don't try to escape, bitch,
or we'll kill you. Be right back.''
763
00:46:53,807 --> 00:46:56,977
They leave. And she's 15
sitting in the house by herself.
764
00:46:57,444 --> 00:46:59,412
''How am I gonna get out of this?
765
00:47:02,982 --> 00:47:04,784
''Come on, Elizabeth, think.
766
00:47:05,084 --> 00:47:07,887
''Think, Elizabeth,
how am I gonna get out of here?''
767
00:47:09,188 --> 00:47:11,124
Just open the fucking door and go outside.
768
00:47:11,190 --> 00:47:12,492
Have you thought about that?
769
00:47:12,525 --> 00:47:14,627
You have a quarter?
You know your phone number?
770
00:47:14,694 --> 00:47:17,964
You're 15, bitch! Run!
Stop thinking and start making moves!
771
00:47:19,732 --> 00:47:22,968
I know I sound mean.
people are thinking when I'm saying this:
772
00:47:23,069 --> 00:47:25,337
''Dave, she's only 15.''
773
00:47:25,804 --> 00:47:27,540
All right, but that's the discrepancy...
774
00:47:27,606 --> 00:47:30,542
'cause when you talk about
a little girl like Elizabeth Smart...
775
00:47:30,609 --> 00:47:33,979
then the country feels like 15 is so young
and so innocent.
776
00:47:34,246 --> 00:47:36,582
On the flip side, here comes 15 again.
777
00:47:36,648 --> 00:47:39,785
Now we're talking about a 15-year-old
black kid in Florida.
778
00:47:39,851 --> 00:47:42,087
This black kid
accidentally killed his neighbor...
779
00:47:42,187 --> 00:47:44,890
when he was practicing wrestling moves
that he saw on TV.
780
00:47:44,956 --> 00:47:46,525
Now, was he a kid? No.
781
00:47:47,025 --> 00:47:50,328
They gave him life.
They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.
782
00:47:50,428 --> 00:47:52,630
''This nigger knew what he was doing.
783
00:47:52,864 --> 00:47:54,966
''He's a goddamn pile driver.
784
00:47:56,768 --> 00:47:59,771
''This kid gets on the ropes,
there's no stopping him.
785
00:48:00,271 --> 00:48:02,740
''We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.''
786
00:48:04,142 --> 00:48:06,244
And they gave a 15-year-old boy...
787
00:48:06,978 --> 00:48:08,512
life in jail.
788
00:48:09,347 --> 00:48:12,183
If you think that it's okay
to give him life in jail...
789
00:48:12,249 --> 00:48:13,651
it should be legal to pee on him.
790
00:48:13,684 --> 00:48:17,021
That's all I'm saying. You gotta
make up your mind across the board...
791
00:48:17,087 --> 00:48:20,924
how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying.
792
00:48:21,125 --> 00:48:22,459
I'm gonna tell you right now...
793
00:48:22,526 --> 00:48:25,129
if somebody comes in here,
puts a gun to my head and says:
794
00:48:25,229 --> 00:48:27,030
''Chappelle, you got a choice to make.
795
00:48:27,097 --> 00:48:30,767
''You're either going to jail for a month
or we'll let you go...
796
00:48:30,967 --> 00:48:33,070
''but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.''
797
00:48:33,904 --> 00:48:35,372
I'm not hesitating.
798
00:48:35,572 --> 00:48:38,742
''Bring in R. Kelly and tell him
to stay away from my eyes.''
799
00:48:41,745 --> 00:48:45,815
I'd rather get pissed on on the outside
than fucked in the butt on the inside.
800
00:48:48,017 --> 00:48:50,620
I can't go to jail
with some smooth Botox balls...
801
00:48:50,687 --> 00:48:54,457
and think everything's gonna be all right.
It's not that kind of place.
802
00:48:55,124 --> 00:48:58,995
Take my chances with that piss. piss
will wash off with a 10-minute shower.
803
00:48:59,095 --> 00:49:01,764
I'm certain of it.
''This piss is coming right out.
804
00:49:04,033 --> 00:49:06,569
''What could I do?
They were gonna put me in jail.''
805
00:49:09,405 --> 00:49:09,571
Society is changing rapidly.
You can't smoke indoors.
806
00:49:09,571 --> 00:49:12,608
Society is changing rapidly.
You can't smoke indoors.
807
00:49:13,876 --> 00:49:15,844
What the fuck is that all about?
808
00:49:15,978 --> 00:49:18,547
I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking.
809
00:49:19,181 --> 00:49:21,116
No, that shit was ridiculous.
810
00:49:22,050 --> 00:49:24,219
The stripper did it.
The stripper came up like:
811
00:49:24,286 --> 00:49:28,657
''Your smoking is a health risk for me.
I don't wanna work in this environment.''
812
00:49:31,393 --> 00:49:35,330
Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested
pussy in my face. You started it.
813
00:49:40,101 --> 00:49:41,703
And they threw me out.
814
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:44,872
It's the dirtiest place
I've ever been thrown out of.
815
00:49:44,906 --> 00:49:47,975
And just to give you an idea
of what I mean by dirty....
816
00:49:49,176 --> 00:49:52,179
Lap dances at this place: $3.
817
00:49:53,447 --> 00:49:55,149
It's fucking disgusting.
818
00:49:55,850 --> 00:49:58,652
And at the same time,
who could pass up a sale, son?
819
00:49:58,752 --> 00:50:01,455
It was $3! Of course I did it.
820
00:50:02,423 --> 00:50:04,024
It's only 1 2 quarters.
821
00:50:04,391 --> 00:50:06,527
Said, ''I'll break a five for that.''
822
00:50:09,896 --> 00:50:12,099
I've never seen somebody work
this hard for $3.
823
00:50:12,165 --> 00:50:14,868
This lady must've been a throwback
to the Great Depression.
824
00:50:14,935 --> 00:50:16,436
She was all over me.
825
00:50:16,703 --> 00:50:19,339
It's the first time I ever told a stripper
to get off me.
826
00:50:19,406 --> 00:50:23,076
''All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss.
Thank you.
827
00:50:24,978 --> 00:50:26,346
''That'll be all.
828
00:50:27,113 --> 00:50:30,183
''That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me!
829
00:50:31,818 --> 00:50:34,821
''Whatever happened to lipstick
on the collar, lady?
830
00:50:36,856 --> 00:50:39,525
''I have a shit streak
on the middle of my shirt.
831
00:50:41,627 --> 00:50:44,630
''How the fuck am I gonna explain this
when I get home?''
832
00:50:47,499 --> 00:50:49,935
''Oh, no, baby, me and Bob
were playing basketball...
833
00:50:50,035 --> 00:50:52,471
''and Bob dunked on me.
He was hanging on the rim...
834
00:50:52,538 --> 00:50:53,705
''and his pants fell down.
835
00:50:53,772 --> 00:50:55,941
''I was checking up close
and he was swinging...
836
00:50:56,008 --> 00:51:00,445
''and his butt cheeks might've....
His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt.
837
00:51:02,581 --> 00:51:04,549
''Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt?
838
00:51:04,616 --> 00:51:07,018
''I don't know. It was midnight.
What the fuck?
839
00:51:09,955 --> 00:51:10,955
''Just let me think.''
840
00:51:11,022 --> 00:51:13,124
That's a guy lying,
when he says shit like that.
841
00:51:13,191 --> 00:51:15,093
''Hold on, just let me think.''
842
00:51:18,429 --> 00:51:21,966
Your man ever said that to you?
''Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?''
843
00:51:29,740 --> 00:51:32,476
You guys have made too much progress
too fast.
844
00:51:32,543 --> 00:51:35,746
Not too much, but you're just confused.
You made so much progress...
845
00:51:35,813 --> 00:51:36,947
you even confused.
846
00:51:37,014 --> 00:51:39,583
Men and women, both like,
''What just happened?''
847
00:51:40,150 --> 00:51:42,753
Women got all this money now
but they're still like women.
848
00:51:42,820 --> 00:51:45,289
''Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.''
849
00:51:45,556 --> 00:51:48,058
You'd be thinking,
''Bitch, you got more money than me...
850
00:51:48,191 --> 00:51:50,327
''you never take me anywhere anymore.''
851
00:51:52,429 --> 00:51:54,664
At the same time,
you don't treat a man like a man.
852
00:51:54,731 --> 00:51:59,035
You don't cook, you don't clean, and
you don't do anything a motherfucker says.
853
00:51:59,102 --> 00:52:01,805
You tell him what to do.
Women do this to men all the time.
854
00:52:01,905 --> 00:52:03,273
''Come on!''
855
00:52:08,144 --> 00:52:09,646
No man wants that shit.
856
00:52:09,746 --> 00:52:12,148
I don't want anybody
to tell me what to do that much.
857
00:52:12,181 --> 00:52:15,284
You gotta work with me.
Like if it makes a man feel like a man...
858
00:52:15,384 --> 00:52:18,554
to watch the game, let him sit down
and watch the game for a minute.
859
00:52:18,621 --> 00:52:21,490
If he happens to look over at you
while watching the game...
860
00:52:21,590 --> 00:52:25,394
don't look at him all mean
and make him feel guilty about watching it.
861
00:52:25,427 --> 00:52:28,330
pick up your own titty and suck it.
Just try it out.
862
00:52:35,204 --> 00:52:38,807
He will instantly remember
why he fell in love. ''Oh, that's right...
863
00:52:39,808 --> 00:52:42,577
''I forgot my girl sucks her own titties
from time to time.
864
00:52:42,644 --> 00:52:44,546
''I can't walk away from that.
865
00:52:45,780 --> 00:52:47,148
''It's too hard to find.''
866
00:52:47,315 --> 00:52:50,251
See? That took 20 seconds.
You can be just as busy as you want...
867
00:52:50,352 --> 00:52:53,188
suck your own titty and everything's cool.
Or how about this?
868
00:52:53,221 --> 00:52:57,058
If you're making love to your man,
might as well spice it up, right?
869
00:52:57,125 --> 00:52:59,394
How about this? I personally like it.
870
00:53:00,928 --> 00:53:03,498
I like it when a girl tells me where to come.
871
00:53:03,564 --> 00:53:06,167
Don't like it when she tells me
when to come. I hate it.
872
00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:09,070
''Don't come yet.'' Oh, bitch, all these rules!
873
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,985
Instead of doing that,
why don't you just tell us where?
874
00:53:25,052 --> 00:53:28,388
It would make us feel better.
Especially if you're aggressive about it.
875
00:53:28,422 --> 00:53:31,725
I like it when a girl gets wild with me.
''Come in my face!''
876
00:53:35,395 --> 00:53:37,464
Stick your chin out like a boxer.
877
00:53:39,266 --> 00:53:41,067
''Bring it on, motherfucker.
878
00:53:42,035 --> 00:53:43,269
''You're a bum.''
879
00:53:47,273 --> 00:53:50,410
But it doesn't have to be
that wild or explicit.
880
00:53:50,510 --> 00:53:53,546
All a man wants to know is
you're interested and will participate.
881
00:53:53,613 --> 00:53:55,915
You can say anything, he'll be happy.
882
00:53:56,649 --> 00:53:59,585
''Come on top of the television.''
All right, fine.
883
00:54:08,327 --> 00:54:09,795
The weirder the place, the better.
884
00:54:09,862 --> 00:54:12,698
''Come in my fishbowl.'' Damn, fishbowl.
885
00:54:14,266 --> 00:54:16,635
''Oh, shit, they're eating it all.''
886
00:54:28,713 --> 00:54:30,615
Fish love it when I come over.
887
00:54:31,316 --> 00:54:33,952
''It's that guy.
We're having chicken tonight.''
888
00:54:39,023 --> 00:54:42,527
You guys, man, thanks.
This has been the best year of my career.
889
00:54:42,727 --> 00:54:43,795
By far.
890
00:54:47,498 --> 00:54:49,967
I appreciate you guys watching me.
891
00:54:53,304 --> 00:54:55,406
'Cause I do it for my kids, really.
892
00:54:55,506 --> 00:54:56,941
And my kids are off the hook.
893
00:54:57,007 --> 00:55:00,644
You think I'm a bad motherfucker,
wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle.
894
00:55:00,744 --> 00:55:02,546
This nigger is off the hook.
895
00:55:03,380 --> 00:55:05,015
My sons are bad.
896
00:55:05,549 --> 00:55:07,150
My oldest son is three.
897
00:55:07,784 --> 00:55:10,554
This kid made me a necklace
out of macaroni.
898
00:55:10,620 --> 00:55:12,155
I said, ''This shit is baller.''
899
00:55:12,222 --> 00:55:14,925
He painted the macaroni green
and put it on a string.
900
00:55:15,025 --> 00:55:19,095
He tied it on my neck and he told me
he was proud of me and I got choked up.
901
00:55:19,829 --> 00:55:22,265
And he thought I was sad.
That's how smart he was.
902
00:55:22,332 --> 00:55:24,067
He says, ''Are you sad, Daddy?''
903
00:55:24,134 --> 00:55:26,069
And I said, ''No, I'm not sad.
904
00:55:26,836 --> 00:55:31,274
''You're too young to understand this,
son, but this is fucking crazy.
905
00:55:34,644 --> 00:55:36,913
''You used to live in my balls, man.
906
00:55:39,415 --> 00:55:43,385
''Now you're making jewelry out of
macaroni. You're a bad motherfucker.''
907
00:55:43,986 --> 00:55:45,788
Long live Chappelles.
908
00:56:21,356 --> 00:56:22,623
Oh, shit.
909
00:56:23,858 --> 00:56:26,894
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
910
00:56:29,096 --> 00:56:30,731
That's what it's all about.
911
00:56:30,831 --> 00:56:32,733
Everybody usually wants to be famous...
912
00:56:32,833 --> 00:56:34,935
so they can rock nice jewelry
and all that shit.
913
00:56:35,035 --> 00:56:38,072
I already got a macaroni necklace.
I got valuable shit.
914
00:56:45,145 --> 00:56:46,947
I'm not in it for that.
915
00:56:47,180 --> 00:56:50,250
The only kind of shit I wanna do
with fame that's decadent...
916
00:56:50,350 --> 00:56:54,354
is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000
blackjack table.
917
00:56:54,421 --> 00:56:55,989
And I don't even wanna play.
918
00:56:56,056 --> 00:57:00,060
I wanna be such a big star that I can
go up to one of the players in a tight hand...
919
00:57:00,126 --> 00:57:02,195
and put my dick on his shoulder.
920
00:57:02,462 --> 00:57:05,231
And I'm such a celebrity,
they think it's funny.
921
00:57:07,166 --> 00:57:08,701
''Hey, what the fuck?
922
00:57:09,435 --> 00:57:11,471
''Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle!
923
00:57:12,105 --> 00:57:13,339
''Wow.''
924
00:57:15,808 --> 00:57:16,909
He gets on his cell phone:
925
00:57:16,976 --> 00:57:20,579
''You are not gonna believe whose dick
is on my shoulder right now.
926
00:57:21,847 --> 00:57:24,950
''And this guy's balls are as smooth as eggs.
927
00:57:26,151 --> 00:57:27,853
''He's had some work done.''
928
00:57:29,254 --> 00:57:31,590
Couldn't thank you enough.
God bless you all, man.
929
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:35,093
Keep watching. I'm gonna
try to make it interesting. Stay safe.
79562
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