Original subtitles

NARRATOR: In the 16th Century, the mystic John Dee

wrote the "Sigillum Aemeth", a book of musical chants

that were meant to summon angels,

but brought forth demons instead.

Fearing the unholy power of his dark songs,

Dee tried to destroy the book, but failed.

Sought by sorcerers and dark rulers for centuries, the book had been lost...

Until now.

(MEN CHANTING, OWL HOOTING)

MAN: Bequeath protection upon thine followers

who walketh in the footsteps of Vinsibas Aroptum.

MEN: Vinsibas Aroptum.

(METALLIC WHOOSHING)

(SLICING)

(LIGHT GRUNTING)

(SLICING AND GRUNTING)

And your appeasement of the gods of Vinsibas...

Have failed. (SHOCKED GASPING)

MAN: What seven blood packs not enough, Ronnie?

MAN: Yeah, this shit's never coming out of my tunic, by the way.

RONNIE: I don't know what to tell you guys, okay?

The appeasement... The appeasement fails?

- ERIC: It's bullshit. - You failed, Eric.

Okay... Maybe if you made a meaningful sacrifice.

Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.

ERIC: What do you want from me?

We're out here in the woods in the middle of the night.

We got our robs on... We nailed the chant.

Come on.

We had everything the game plan laid out.

It's time that you leveled us up.

You can't just keep failing my appeasements forever.

- RONNIE: I'm sorry... - ERIC: F you, Hung.

RONNIE: The appeasement fails because Eric wasn't meaning it.

- He wasn't being meaningful. - MAN: Bullshit, Ronnie.

RONNIE: Shut up, Hung, I don't know what to tell you guys.

ERIC: Sometimes I don't know who's harder to appease, Ronnie.

- The gods of Vinsibas or you. - RONNIE: If you don't stop

complaining, the gods of Vinsibas are going to curse all your characters

with a case of evil herpes!

- ERIC: Bullshit! - RONNIE: Eric, you failed.

- What the fuck? - Maybe if you made

a meaningful sacrifice.

Guys, how will we taste triumph at Evermore with this weak bullshit?

Fear not, Sir Reginald, for I have just the magic needed.

Excuse me while I whipith this out.

(SWISHING)

What was that?

Hey, Dude, what's that?

What?

(THWACKING) HUNG: Oh shit!

(LAUGHING) That hurts.

(RAPID THWACKING)

(LAUGHING)

Eat paint, haunted fuckers!

(FRANTICALLY SCREAMING GIBBERISH)

ERIC: Help... Help!

MAN: This'll teach you to play your fucking wizard game in our woods.

Yeah, run!

Run, you freaks... And don't ever come back.

Ah!

(ENGINE TURNING OVER)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(RAPID THWACKING)

Hey, check this shit out. Harry Pooper dropped his book.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, tear that shit.

Come on, man... just destroy the book. Rip it open.

(DISTANT, VIOLENT WHOOSHING)

(NEBULOUS HOWLING, GRUNTING)

What the fuck?

(MUFFLED) Get it off... Fuck... get it off!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(HIGH PITCHED WHOOSHING)

Fuck... Jesus motherfucker.

The book fucked up your face.

(SCREAMING)

HUNG: Be strong, Sir Reginald. Be strong, I say.

(GROANING)

Oh ma...

(GLOVE BOX OPENING) Fuck.

Shit!

- We gotta go back for the book. - HUNG: What book?

I brought that kickass old book I was gonna use for my spells!

Fuck!

I must have dropped it when those paintballers attacked us!

Shit!

- Fuck! - HUNG: Is this it?

That's it.

Whoo... Thank God.

- Sorry about freaking out. - No problem.

Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna shit when he sees that.

We'll be back, you redneck cocksuckers. This I vow.

♪ Cast down divide ♪

♪ Dark ripped ♪

♪ Shadows of our dead minions ♪

♪ Drag me into the abyss ♪

♪ He is reborn in the dark light ♪

Bleh.

♪ He instigates thy doom ♪

Turn off the music!

- Turn it off! - MAN: What?

- Turn this music off! - I can't hear you.

Joe, come on.

Come on.

- You are this close. - How close?

(METAL CLANGING)

Damn, man. That shit is tight.

It's called "Your Heart Sucks My Soul." It's kind of a love song, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Listen, if that song doesn't say love and commitment,

I don't know what does.

- We need to have a talk. - I'm actually way ahead of you.

How about you, me, dinner, tonight?

Somewhere with a tablecloth?

I got a little something special I want to give you.

Wait.

Don't tell me it's...

Is it what I think it is?

No.

Yes.

I don't know... What do you think it is?

Don't do anything big involving jewelry, okay?

I mean, I need to concentrate on my career.

It's not the right thing for that sort of commitment.

Oh, no, no, I get it. Whoa.

It's cool.

It's cool.

I mean, why mess with a good thing, right?

Time out here, Joe.

- You're breaking up with me. - Will you listen to me?

You have a college degree in communications studies.

You could be doing anything you wanted.

Hold up. I am doing what I want.

You live in a fake castle leeching off your accidental

millionaire loser friend playing black metal in your bedroom.

- You will never change. - Uh, it's doom metal.

- Who the fuck asked you? - Well, he's right.

Gilberto, you're the fucking man.

It was black.

Then we went through a sludge phase. Now it's more doom.

I need to focus on my future, my career.

It's important that I align myself with successful people, Joe.

I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.

(GROANING, CAR ALARM BLARES)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?

Am I thy weapon's keeper?

Hey, man.

Found it!

Oh, hey, dude.

You bent my mace.

That's not-that's not cool.

Sorry, man.

My mom made me this mace.

It's still fierce.

Ahh!

(GUITAR PLAYING QUIETLY)

(KNOCKING)

- That's a power ballad. - What's wrong with him?

Oh.

She dumped you, didn't she?

(SHATTERING)

- Fuck off! - Whoa, nice shot.

So your body is already subconsciously moving on.

I knew that this day would come.

You had a vision of her just ripping out my heart, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks for the heads up, mighty warlock.

I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.

I know that you know that and you're just tying to be hurtful.

Fucking Beth.

Dude, look, I'm sorry for what happened, but you two

hadn't been right for each other for a long time.

It's only the rejection that hurts. You'll get over that.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe...

I should be making some changes. Maybe I should move out of here.

No, there's no need for drama.

You always have a place here at meine castle.

I still love her.

We can't leave him like this.

I know.

I'll be fine... Just go.

Go... Kill your fake dragons.

This is awkward.

I know what you need.

Come on.

Come on!

Uh-uh.

I told you, I don't do that shit any more.

Yeah and the reason you quit just kicked you to the curb.

So I think it's high time that you got back in the saddle.

It's a sativa, dude. It'll lift your spirits but not knock you out.

Just do it... it's nothing.

Okay.

(BUBBLING)

(GAGGING, COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

(RASPY COUGHING)

(LAUGHTER ECHOING)

JOE: I love you.

BETH: I love you too, Joe.

(LAUGHING)

Sweet Jesus.

Wait.

Oh no.

(SHOUTING)

Fuck me.

Aye, Sir Dragoroth have been detained by Minerva.

...The sea hag.

His bewitchment by the siren's song shall be the nail

thine army wantst, King Diamond the Red.

We shall see.

- Until Evermore. - 'Til Evermore.

Eric!

Hung!

Where the fuck are we?

'Tis the kingdom of Eliphaz, my naive friend.

(HORN HONKING)

You shanghaied me and dressed me.

Aye.

It just felt right.

Adventuring is exactly what thou needst.

- "Needst" is not a word. - Where we are, it is.

I'm taking this shit off.

Whoa!

Now is not the time to lose thy nerve, brave and scorned warrior.

Thou has been recruited to fight in the glorious army of Kabedrah.

The epic battle of Evermore.

Come, Sir Hung.

RONNIE: That looks terrible.

My three-year-old nephew could make a better map.

He's got learning disabilities.

It'll have to do.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

You, my friend, are on dragon duty.

Take these... (KEYS JANGLING)

and make sure that ♪ weeee ♪ are good to go.

And Dragon Rider!

Just don't fuck with my stereo.

Grass is nourished by the blood of heroes.

Hmm?

- Are you listening? - Yes.

Uh-huh... let's continue.

And here we have Fengyrian Falls.

(PLOPPING)

Oh.

Remember, gentlemen, your supervision of this script

and the monsters contained within will make this event come alive.

Follow me now.

Adventures lie waiting like sleeping dragons!

Hah? (HISSING)

(THROATY HISSING)

And here we have Novum Castellum!

Ah, each band of heroes will complete a Class Three quest this eve.

By gathering at the plains of Evermore,

the battle betwixt the realms of King Diamond and Carey.

Though there will be a big surprise in store for all.

(QUIET CHUCKLING)

And as game master, I will be watching over all of this.

You can think of me as God.

(GROWLING)

Excuse me a minute.

(RONNIE CLEARING HIS THROAT)

Ah, Gwen. Just whom I wanted to see.

I have been watching you these long battle-swept nights

of the campaign and you have shown your mettle.

So, verily, the time has come for you to ascend to the upper realms.

Oh God.

The game hasn't started already, has it?

- No. - We don't have to talk

in Dorkinese yet, do we?

I thought maybe you'd want to be my assistant head game master

and you could be my right hand, my right hand...

Ow! (GROWLING)

Ooh.

I have an idea of what your right hand spends a lot of time doing, Ronnie.

- That's really personal, Gwen. - GWEN: Come, Gunther.

(RONNIE WHIMPERING)

(GROWLING)

I'll take that as a no for now.

(SNIGGLING)

- You okay? - Shut your mouth.

Onward.

Shut your mouth.

JOE: Where the fuck are the keys?

Two floors.

Whoa.

Hey. (CLANGING)

Thought you guys only used foam weapons.

In this world, young Jonen,

you can only put your trust in steel.

My elite clientele is willing to pay a premium for authenticity.

Where the fuck are the keys?

Come on, Joe. You played D&D. Live action role play is the next level.

- D&D was a long time ago. - Yeah... And you were a legend.

These people here? They sing songs about the time that you gave

Ronnie Kwok's paladin demonic syphilis.

Do you remember... remember when we caught Ronnie spanking it

to the succubus picture in the old monster manual?

Good times, man.

Yeah, and some of us are still having 'em.

Come on!

Eric's about to level up to Grand Sorcerer.

I'm packing an ounce of killer 'shrooms.

And there be monsters in need of pummelin'!

You have a choice:

Join us in tasting the sweet nectar of victory

or mope around an empty house all week like a bitch.

You guys do actually look slightly badass.

It's like a Metalwolf cover.

- Yeah. - Without the muscles.

No.

(SIGHING)

All right.

I'm in.

BOTH: Huzzah!

Please.

Don't make me rethink this.

Nah.

(CLANGING)

Owww...

Welcome to the fields of Evermore!

- Um, Ronnie? - Yes, Travis.

Where are our costumes?

♪ There is no end to the tricks up my sleeve ♪

- Wardr'be? - MAN: Yes, sir.

Got it... 42 regular.

RONNIE: 42 reg... I think you'll find it snug.

- Great. - RONNIE: Freshly laundered.

I'm a trained actor, man. Not some fucking... stunt monkey.

A weekend improv workshop, my ass.

Ungrateful.

Ah, greetings, enchanter.

I have some surprises in store for you.

Some creatures with a taste for flesh of the lowest order.

Hmm?

Parasites, charlatans.

- War profiteers of forbidden weaponry. - Verily, I say... let it go, dude.

Well.

Marketplace is a battlefield and to the victor go the spoils.

Agreed.

I bring news of a legendary warrior long absent from this realm

who returnth to replace the estimable Sir Reginald.

The new warrior is of course welcome.

Wonderful... Jobreyth of Revitt shall once more fight by my side.

Joe Revitt's here... What the frak, Eric?

- I hate that guy. - Ronald, Ronald, why be so petty?

I mean, surely, you're not still sore about your syphilitic paladin.

Perhaps, the pages of your monster manual

remain stucketh together?

(SNIGGLING)

For old time's sake, he's in.

But...

You must accomplish a level 12 summoning spell

to animate Joe's character with Reginald's life-force.

Consider it done, my liege.

(SLEEVE WHOOSHING)

Okay, that was a bit much.

Show-off.

ANNOUNCER: Lo, the adventure begins!

Please report for quest assignments.

Step forward when your group is called.

Heed this reminder. All guilds must complete their quest

prior to tomorrow's battle at Evermore.

Also, Ryan the Necromancer beseeches thy help in finding his inhaler.

What... Oh.

His inhaler of doom!

And to the owner of the sperm-white Toyota Tercel,

thy chariot is blocking the witches' coven.

Move it or you'll be faced with a hex of great dark magic.

And you'll be towed.

It's a lot like you remember it,

except instead of sitting around a table, we do it for real.

For fake.

Fake-real, dude.

Don't fuck with me.

And this fake-real involves, uh, yoga?

Laugh now, but a structured warm-up routine

helps prevent injury later.

All right... I'll show you.

Come on.

What?

All right.

Arms and legs, one point. Torso's two.

Limb takes a hit, it's useless until healing's been cast.

Parry disarm can be used once per melee

unless you're up against a two-handed weapon.

Grab your sword, I'll demonstrate.

(MUMBLING)

(GROWLING)

Finish him!

(GROWLING)

(IMITATING FILM SOUND EFFECTS)

Got an idea. How about I just forget the count

- and start wailing on people! - Dude!

Dude! It's honor system, Man.

Okay, you're all set to join the battle. I just spoke with Ronnie.

- Oh, except lose the sword. - Huh?

Yeah, newbs don't get swords.

Um.

Wait, I have to earn the right to carry a foam stick?

'Tis not the size of the young knave's blade, but the lust

in his thrust by which legends are made.

(CROW CAWING)

ERIC: Oh!

Jobreyth!

There is one more thing you're going to need to do.

Verily?

- This is retarded. - MAN: Guys, pentagrams?

Man, we don't roll that way here, all right?

This is the LARP, not the Wicker Man Wiccan cosplay.

Nay.

'Tis in the book, dude.

Okay.

(JOE CLEARING THROAT)

JOE: Um, Eric.

They be the rest of our traveling companions.

Stand back and witness the spectacle of my animation spell.

- Ready? - Oh, for God's sake.

(RECITING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(RECITATION BECOMES MORE HIGH PITCHED)

(LAUGHING)

(HIGH-PITCHED, ETHEREAL HUMMING)

(WINDS HOWLING)

(NEBULOUS YOWLING)

(GASPING)

(DEMONIC HOWLING) Ahh!

Beth?

Beth?

Ahh!

(RECITATION CONTINUES)

(WHOOSHING)

(GAGGING, COUGHING)

- How awesome was that! - A-plus, motherfucker.

Arise, Jobreyth. Breathe fresh the air once again.

(COUGHING)

What the fuck was that... it hurt.

(GAGGING COUGHS)

Methinks you should not be so much of a pussy.

Don't tell me you've never played with fireworks before.

Not like that.

What was with the faces, the smells, everything?

What was that?

I tell you what I see.

A warrior...

who can't let go of his past.

JOE: What are you doing?

Wow.

What was that?

Ex-girlfriend! Jobryeth needeth closure!

It's not like that.

'Tis no matter to me, apprentice.

RONNIE: What the shit is going on? Why is there smoke?

Eric, I said a basic summoning spell, not one of your

non-regulation pyrotechnic displays.

This was more befitting a 27th level sorcerer.

Which you are not yet.

What's up, Joe?

(COUGHS)

Needst I remindst thou the Temple of Syrinx awaits.

Don't be a buzzkill, Ronnie.

Ah.

Come, Gunther.

(GROWLING)

(MOUTHING)

ERIC: ♪ Buzzkill ♪

RONNIE: What?

ERIC: ♪ Buzzkill ♪

How you doing there, Captain Trips?

Verily.

There be a fungus among us.

Is it your fungus that's fucking with me?

'Cause if you did slip me some 'shrooms, why's it feel like

I got bent over and taken advantage of back there?

Perhaps thine reach exceeds thy grasp, "vizard".

So who are our comrades, Enchanter?

Right.

That be Lando, the pious.

Watch him in battle... Complete weasel, but entertaining.

You'll see.

Sir Gunther, the mighty.

Head case with a big stick.

He is unique and crazy.

JOE: And...

ERIC: And Guinevere the fearless,

who's plus-three ass perfection should keep the memory

of She Who Shall Not Be Mentioned at bay.

Plus-three?

Clearly you underestimate my endowments.

(MONKEY-LIKE GRUNTING AND WHOOPING)

Look, your party has disturbed a nest!

Demon apes!

What the fuck?

Play on!

One of the beasts deals Sir Hung the Glutinous a stunning blow!

(LAUGHING AND GRUNTING)

LANDO: Haha!

Great way to spend the weekend.

Sweating my balls off in a monkey outfit.

I don't know where the hell I am.

(PINES CRACKING)

Wha...

Who's there?

Hello, apelings?

- Dude... Joe! Little help here. - Huh?

Help us kill some freaking apes!

You here for the LARP?

The live, the LARP?

Do you maybe have a map?

(SNIFFING) Oh, wow.

'Cause I, um... I sort of lost my way.

Got separated from the group.

Oh... kay.

Jobryeth!

Gonna... kill... your... monkey... asses!

Jobryeth takes a lethal strike to the back!

Huh?

- Bullshit... 'Tis a lie! - Halt!

Game master saw a palpable hit and an unconscious man throwing weaponry...

weaponry that is beyond the expertise of your lowly character.

I don't understand what you said, but I'm gonna sit down.

Three, two, one, play on!

Got separated from my group.

You too? Uh, well, maybe then we should stick together and both look.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

If this is some sort of Fury fetish, then I don't mind at all!

Oh wow!

Oh wow!

(FRENZIED BREATHING)

Oh, okay, sure.

From the ground, thy wounds be bound.

Regeneration spell successful!

Still thy tongue lest I remove it!

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

You my bitch... Ow! Same side, same side!

Be gone, demon apes!

(GROWLING)

Oh shit.

Damn.

(GROANING)

Lando has been dealt a mortal blow.

'Tis a lie... I had a spell of simian protection up.

Fine, kill the brown guy first.

(GRUNTING)

The great ape has been vanquished!

- Huzzah! - Yeah.

Now remember, before convening at the battle,

this party has a quest to loot the temple of Syrinx

which needeth completion, so...

Perhaps the party should split up for to cover more ground.

Capital idea, Sir Lando.

Take Sir Hung the Capable and explore yon forest for the fabled temple.

Verily... We shall meet thee at Evermore if not before.

Godspeed to you and thine servant.

Servant?

I'm an apprentice. Fucketh you very much.

Easy.

I beseech thee to give him wide berth as he is pained

by a riven heart torn asunder by the cruelty of an untrue maiden.

- Enough with that shit, please. - Easy, my liege.

I told these guys that thou were cool.

Ah, at last.

The simpletons and heretics have left our brotherhood.

However, it occureth to me that mine apprentice has forgotten something.

Yo?

Thou must return to the kingdom of Eliphaz.

- Uh... - Parking lot.

Parking lot.

And fetch the amulet of Kokun from our transport,

for it shall be needed at the battle of Evermore.

So go to the parking lot to get something you forgot.

Aye.

I shall join you on your mission.

The forest is no place for an unarmed adventurer.

Let's go.

Act... It's this way.

JOE: Yes.

(GROWLING)

Hey, man.

ANNOUNCER: Attention all teams. Upon completion of your quests,

you may head to the battlefield to prepare your camp for the night.

But as always, be on guard for the evil scourge from beyond our borders.

You know, those redneck paintball jerks who crashed our centaur hunt last week.

Prithee, take care.

(JINGLING)

(CRACKING)

Is that you, fellow denizens of Elves' realms?

Speakers of Elvish?

Um, do you have a map maybe?

Do I know you?

Are you here for the LARP?

Was it the robes or the pointy ears that gave it away?

'Cause I sort of lost my way and got separated from the group.

Oh, no.

You're one of those freaky vampire LARPers, right?

Wrong weekend, honey.

I don't mind at all.

(SCOFFING)

I think thou art marching down the wrong battlefield, sweetie.

Now if you'll excuse me.

(ROARING)

(COYOTE BAYING)

If I didn't know better, Jobryeth,

I'd say you were having fun back there.

Ooh, no I wasn't.

Okay, a little. But you can't tell anyone.

(GWEN LAUGHING)

I wouldn't even know what LARP was if it weren't for Gunther.

He's a little hardcore with this.

Well, at least you're supporting your boyfriend's interests.

- A lot of girls... - Boyfriend?

God, no.

Gunther's my cousin.

He's a good kid, but he never breaks character.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

He never breaks character?

He truly believes he's in another time and a place.

(LAUGHING)

But his folks don't let him come to these things alone.

So you're warrior-sitting then?

Well, after the Medieval Times incident,

I seem to be the only one he listens to.

The Medieval Times incident?

Mom thought it would be cute to take him there.

He jumped the wall and sent the Red Knight to the hospital.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry.

Not funny.

(GROWLING)

I've got this.

(GROANING)

Ooh!

Um, miss.

JOE: The fuck?

Spell of protection.

It's too late.

Drop.

To the nether realms.

(GROANING)

My lady?

Very impressive.

All I'm saying is we'll be taken more seriously

if we refer to ourselves as sprites.

Can we please stay in character?

You guys sound like a bunch of little girls.

If anyone would know about little girls...

Okay.

I tried to handle this in private, but if you wanna

do this here and now, standing in the woods,

dressed like fucking fairies, so be it.

Lo, perhaps thou art having thine monthlies.

Out of game.

Out of game? Okay.

Fine... What the hell's your problem?

You're the one who wanted to experiment.

Don't blame me if you can't handle the consequences.

It was fine as long as it was all about you,

- but heaven forbid I enjoy it. - You saw her without me.

That wasn't part of the deal.

I'm heading back to camp.

Go.

Someday someone's gonna tear your heart out and you'll know exactly how I feel.

Sprites!

Let's fly.

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

You look like one of those...

freaky vampire LARPers.

Maybe we should stick together.

Maybe.

(MOANING)

(TEARING, GASPING MOANS)

(SCREAMING)

(TAPING)

As you approach the Exalted Township of Valinore,

you notice that your own path intersect ♪ with another ♪.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Sir Hung, he is rustling just across the way.

I can hear the breeze on my skin.

'Tis burnt orange.

Bad at English.

- The fuck's he saying? - I don't know.

There is electricity in the air.

Okay, Ronnie, so if he goes insane, can I inherit his experience points?

You're obsessed with experience points. No, let's not talk about that now.

I'm just saying, that's a waste of experience. I can use it.

Still thy cowardly tongue.

Oh, holy shit.

HUNG: Prepare thineself for battle, witch.

Do I know you?

All right, Hung, I don't know what you're on,

but I think it's clouding your judgment.

- She looks... - Nay, game master.

The scales have finally fallen from mine eyes.

Miss, are you okay? Have you been in an accident?

'Tis no accident! Go no closer!

Although I have gazed upon thine visage before,

'tis only by the light of yon moon

hast thou true nature revealed itself!

Okay, Hung, ease up there, buddy. I think she really needs some help.

Excuse me, my lady, do you really need some help?

Fuck you and the moustache you rode in on!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

RONNIE: Oh, fuck!

I'm... outta here.

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

'Tis a cruel act of the gods to waste such a sweet backside...

on such a filthy beast.

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(AIR DYER BLOWING)

(GROWLING)

(THUDDING)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

It gets me every time.

Huh.

Come here.

The noise came from around here somewhere.

Just keep your wits.

Oh God.

Oh lord, he's dead.

Oh shit.

What the hell?

I don't understand.

All right, we gotta keep going.

We gotta get Eric, your crazy cousin and call the cops.

(BANGING)

GWEN: What was that?

Shit.

Joe, what are you doing?

There's someone in there.

I know, that's what I'm worried about.

(THUDDING)

- You're not gonna sing, Joe, are you? - What?

Tell me you're not gonna sing.

Not right now, baby.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

GWEN: Gunther!

Gunther!

Ease up!

Stay your hand, mighty warlord.

Evil has befallen him. His handiwork is all around us.

We heard you and we thought it might be whoever...

did this.

Where's... where's Ronnie? Lando?

Do not enter.

One cannot cheat death forever.

(DRIPPING)

This is not good.

Joe, what the fuck is going on here?

I don't know what's going on. But I want to talk to Ronnie.

Ronnie? You think Ronnie is responsible for this?

What am I supposed to think?

You guys and your quest for authenticity.

Oh, come...

Real weapons. In-game bullshit.

- Archaic books. - Ugh, the evil book again, huh?

It would surprise me not, "vizard,"

if thou hath brought forth something vile and unholy, a pox upon mankind.

Gunther!

We're out of game here, man.

Somebody tell me what the hell's going on here.

Hell, indeed, is going on. The "vizard" has summoned evil.

And most likely while thy apprentice was in the circle, he has been made unholy.

Gunther.

I cannot tell you whether 'twas man or beast,

but I can tell you surely it was not Jobryeth.

We need to get out of here.

What we need to do is avenge the poor souls taken here this eve.

With what?

Foam sticks?

Jobryeth is right.

We need weapons from my private reserve of steel.

Thou speakests Sense.

Let us return to camp.

And arm ourselves.

While they call for help... reinforcements.

Very well.

I am watching you.

We all feel safer for that.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

RONNIE: Oh fuckity fuck.

Oh my... God!

(SHRIEKING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Get a hold of yourself, man. Get a hold of yourself, man!

What the fuck was that, man? Oh my God, she was not normal!

She was like some kind of she-beast from the...

Oh, my sweet shit.

Oh my sweet, sweet shit. Eric, you fucking asshole.

I have to warn him.

Where the fuck am I?

They suck at making maps! Where the hell am I!

- Why is there no one here? - Shouldn't someone be here?

Come on, the best way for us to help is to drive somewhere and get some.

That's not what was agreed upon. We were to seek vengeance.

Where are the weapons?

Weapons are in here, okay? Now come on, let's go.

Where the fuck is my phone?

Anyone?

(SCREAMING)

Sweet Jesus, Man.

Sorry, dude.

There's some weird shit going on out there, man.

Oh... kay.

We gotta call 9-1-1. Do you have a cell phone?

9-1-1 is just gonna route a cell call.

What you ought to do is call the Sky Valley Sheriff directly.

I can get the number.

Call Sky Valley Sheriff.

(DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: Sky Valley Sheriff.

GWEN: There's been an accident at the state park campgrounds.

You gotta get here as soon as you can.

MAN: Hold up now... What kind of accident?

Well, there's this LARP event going on...

Wait a minute, LARP like, like dressed up

- like wizards and shit? - Yeah, like that.

But this is serious.

It wasn't just one of those paintballer pranks, people are in danger.

You stay put... We'll be right there.

Oh, thank god.

Tommy!

Tommy, get your ass up. We gotta get going.

(PHONE DIALING)

Hey, Randy. Rise and shine, buddy.

We got a cold dish of get back that needs serving.

Get your cousin and get your gear. Imma pick you up in 10.

MAN: Whoa, this does not look like regulation game play.

Are you guys out of game or not?

We're so far outta game, we're somehow back in it.

I thought you said there were bodies.

- What are you guys up to? - Where be the game master?

Where be our hordes for glorious combat?

Everyone else completed their mission and camped out on the battlefield.

Are you guys gonna camp

- or just stay up all night? - Right.

I must fight the evil at its source!

(GROWLING)

Gunther!

(YELLING)

You guys are on another planet. You know drugs are off-limit out here.

- How far's the battlefield? - Ronnie Kwok's gonna hear about this.

- How far! - Take it easy.

That way through the forest.

I'm out.

Great.

- Now can we get the hell out of here? - You kidding?

We can't leave Gunther.

No.

Joe.

Goddamn it, Joe!

(GROWLING, PANTING)

Hey, what is that?

Are they... I think they're...

...is that Eddie?

(GASPING, GROWLING)

Beth?

Beth!

Holy shit, that's your psychotic girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend.

This is so fucked up.

Guys.

Dude, what...

Hey.

(GROANING)

(GROWLING)

- I'll tell you what I see. - Tell you what I see.

- A warrior. - Warrior.

- Who can't let go of his past. - Oh shit.

This has something to do with the photo of me and Beth at Prom.

ERIC: What?

Yeah, in the book, the fucking eBay book, man.

What... Get the fuck out, man.

No, I had the photo with me when you summoned this...

whatever this is with the book.

Eric, use the book to send that bitch back wherever she came from!

I don't know how?

I just picked a page at random earlier.

Well then, just pick another...

pick another page and hurry the fuck up.

(RECITING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Sing it.

Sing it, wizard.

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(GROWLING, SINGING CONTINUES)

ERIC: That was for Hung!

Take that, bitch!

That was sung by Eric the Enchanter.

(LAUGHING)

What?

- You just let her get away. - Excuse me?

She just went off into the woods to die like a wounded animal.

(SCREAMING) RONNIE: Gimme the book.

- Fuck! - God.

This is the "Sigillum Aemeth." Where did you get this book?

Uh, why?

Shut up, never mind.

Did you read this page?

Um.

- Why? - Did you read it?

Yes, yes... Holy fuck, yes.

We read it and it scared that crazy chick back to hell

or wherever the fuck she came from.

If that doesn't get me to level 27, I don't know what will

- Kwok, so why don't you pony up. - No, no, no, no, no, okay.

- Now it makes sense. - JOE: It makes no sense.

- It's gibberish... - It makes sense!

It makes sense that you speak Enochian.

Enochian, what? You made that up.

This is the "Sigillum Aemeth." It is the only one of its kind.

It was handwritten in the 16th Century by the mystic John Dee

and it has been lost for generations.

Uh, bullshit. It came from the internets, not the 16th Century.

If you're tying to get out of admitting how awesome I am...

John Dee was tying to summon angels, but evil travels under

its own power and he actually summoned demons and the demons forged this book.

- What are you saying, Kwok? - Dee tried to destroy, but he couldn't.

So he sealed it and he hid it deep underneath his manor estate

and it has been lost for generations.

But here it is in your incapable hands and you summoned a succubus from hell!

(PAINED HOWLING)

And then this last passage that you read, the herald of Abominog.

And in the language lay the name of the hell lord Abominog

and I hath spoken the name and hell hath raineth down.

(GROWLING)

You didn't injure it, you ignorant fuck!

You transformed it!

Sorry.

Transformed into what exactly?

(POUNDING AND RUMBLING)

(DISTANT UNEARTHLY YOWLING)

(GASPING)

What?

- MAN: What the fuck was that? - I don't know.

Ronnie Kwok's dragon!

- Fuck... Shit! - Shit... Fuck!

Oh my God, we overslept again. It's time for Evermore.

- Come on. - Grab the fucking horn.

The thing eats souls, you guys. We are gonna die.

(HORN BLOWING)

Shit!

- Shit. - JOE: What?

It's the horn of war.

It means that the battle of Evermore is going to start in 10 minutes.

Why now... It's like three in the fucking morning.

It's not supposed to happen for another few hours,

- but Ira is a dick and did it early. - There's a LARPer buffet on that field

and all those poor bastards have are foam sticks.

(METAL SWISHING)

- We have to save them. - Are you fucking nuts?

No.

I think I've done enough damage already.

You... that thing...

That's real!

That thing slaughtered our best friend.

You gonna let that stand?

You been out here practicing this shit every weekend for years.

Face it, man. You've got everything but you earned nothing.

Are you gonna hide from that then? The way you hide from real life?

Or are you gonna man up

and avenge the death of our friend?

The time has come to earn our valor, people.

(SWOOSHING)

(CLICKING)

(HISSING)

For Hung.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

ANNOUNCER: Steel thyselves, adventurers.

The time for battle is nigh.

The fate of the glorious kingdom of Evermore rests in the balance.

Two armies fighting for one prize... bragging rights

on the Evermore LARP Alliance message board.

Diamond starts speech.

He rouseth the troops.

I am well aware...

that words cannot inspire courage...

render a timid army valiant.

And perhaps words are unnecessary for you,

my brave lot, for there is no timidity within you.

Oh, wow.

You know, I worked with him last year.

He's got such a gift for the theatrics.

Yes, he loves it.

- Oh, here goes Carey. - Here goes.

Some of you are gentle souls in peace,

but when that horn of battle blows,

we must disguise our fair nature...

Summon up our blood!

(CHEERING)

Draw up our most terrible aspect!

(ARMY ROARING, SLICING)

- Unleash our rage! - Ahhh... Mother...

(CHEERING) DIAMOND: Fortune is on our side,

but if that fickle bitch should prove unjust...

(GROANING)

Then go down fighting like gods

and leave your enemies a bloody

and mournful victory

that tastes like ashes in their mouths.

I covet only one thing.

Honor and victory!

(CHEERING)

Wait... Verily, that is two things.

(GROANING)

Join me in coveting those same glories.

For if it be a sin,

let us be the most offending soul... souls alive!

(CHEERING)

They shall curse themselves for not being here,

for not being able to say they fought with us

upon the fields of Evermore! (CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: Warriors are reminded to remain honorable in their combat.

No strikes to the codpiece.

Kwok's gonna be so pissed he missed this.

No shit.

(ARMIES LOOSING BATTLE CRIES)

The horn bloweth.

The battle of Evermore has begun!

What the hell is that?

I kind... I lost the official horn of battle.

This is the shofar from my temple, so...

(HORN BLOWING WEAKLY)

Evermore.

Charge!

(CHEERING)

Charge!

ANNOUNCER: The battle is upon us.

Which army shall reap the spoils of the conquest?

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING AND HOWLING)

King Diamond's army doth fight with valor

and opening a can of yon whoop-ass upon their foes.

ANNOUNCER: The king's army is holding their ground,

matching them hit point for hit point.

Calling Ronnie's dragon. Get the hell out here already.

ANNOUNCER: A dragon hath appeared.

A bounty of experience points await the brave souls

who dare take on this ferocious beast.

(MECHANICAL HOWLING, ENGINE REVVING)

And please, don't be douchelords with the wings.

The papier mâché is still dying.

(LAUGHING)

This is the best!

(MECHANICAL HOWLING)

What was that?

(MECHANICAL HOWLING)

Those fuckers didn't wait for me!

It took us two weeks to build that thing.

(DEMONIC GROWLING)

What was that?

Get points, you get points.

Run, puny humans!

That's perfect, that's perfect.

- Oh, let's get them. - Hit this one.

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

(MECHANICAL HOWLING)

Motherfuckers.

(ENGINE REVVING)

MAN: Yeah!

Oh yeah.

I got the crip.

(SCREAMING)

We're back, bitches... ha!

ANNOUNCER: These people are not part of the game. Repeat, not part of the game!

I'm so outta here.

Guild... Stand and fight those red of neck!

Together, attack!

(CHEERING)

Triangulate!

Not so fast, Meals on Wheels.

(RAPID THWACKING, LAUGHING)

(DEMONIC HOWLING)

(RENDING, SCREAMING)

(SLICING)

(DEEP, GUTTURAL HOWLING)

(GUTTURAL HOWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SLICING)

(ARMIES SCREAMING IN TERROR)

(WISPY YOWLING)

(WET SLICING)

(YELPING) Oh God!

Did it see us?

I don't know.

(SOFT THUDDING, SCREAMING)

- What was that? - I don't know.

- What's going on? - What the hell?

MAN: Holy shit, what is that?

(HOWLING)

Fuck, fuck!

Holy shit!

- What the fuck! - Shit!

(MECHANICAL HOWLING WINDS DOWN)

Oh shit! (WET CRUNCHING)

(SCREAMING AND SOFT, WET THUDDING)

(DISTANT CRIES OF TERROR)

It's some sort of giant monster.

- Looks maybe like a Batsu. - I don't know.

Maybe an Otyugh. Or a Mind Flayer it could be a rage Gollum.

Look, it's got the deadly tentacles, just like the monster manual.

- Shit, how is this even possible? - I don't know.

(SCREAMING, RAPID THWACKING)

(HOWLING)

Fuck this.

Fuckin' toy.

(GUTTURAL SHRIEKING, CRUNCHING)

(SCREAMING)

MAN: Fuck!

(WHIMPERING)

Fuck!

Okay.

Hold on... All right, I got a plan.

On the count of three, we're gonna make a break for the path, all right?

One... hey, focus!

- Two. - No, fuck this shit!

I am not moving another step until somebody tells me what the hell...

(HOWLING, SCREAMING)

There's something really terrible coming, you guys,

and we're here to save... Oh shit.

Oh... sh....

(GROWLING)

(ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER)

Gwen, if the world isn't swallowed up into hell...

You wanna go see a show sometime?

Nice timing, warrior.

Sure.

Yeah... Yeah, sure.

A show would be good.

No, demon!

(CRUNCHING)

You shall not harm this quivering boy!

(WHISTLING)

(GUTTURAL HOWLING)

Hey!

(ANGERED GROWLING)

- Thank you, mighty warrior! - Yeah.

Hath though be Enochian?

(ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER)

Give us a smile, sweet cheeks.

(PAINED GRUNTING) Oh yes!

Yes!

Fuck.

(EAR PIERCING YOWLING) God, what is that?

Ahhh... What is that sound?

(GUTTURAL LAUGHING) She's laughing at us.

Enough, you bitch!

Fuck.

Gotta find it, fuck. (ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER)

Ronnie, wh-what are you doing?

I drive a hybrid, Eric.

There's no on button in this thing.

You can speak Enochian but can't drive a truck?

It's not my fault.

Ronnie, I can't find the spell, where is it?

It's in the back of the book!

I marked it clearly!

It is in the back!

Fuckin' find it, find it, fuck. (ENGINE TURNING OVER)

Oh, hey, I got this going, guys.

(ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SCREECHING)

(GROWLING)

(BELLOWING)

(METAL RINGING, PAINED HOWLING)

This shall not hold the beast for long!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I got it, I got it, I got it!

(SINGING IN ENOCHIAN)

(GROWLING)

(ETHEREAL, HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

The gem!

The gem!

Choke on it.

No, watch out!

No!

I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!

Gwen, I need you!

(SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You okay?

Why the fuck would you do that?

I'm gonna stop saving your lives

if you don't show me some fucking gratitude!

Okay, okay, focus!

Where is the book that you were just reading from?

- We need the book. - ERIC: Fuck off.

- Well... Shit! - No.

No, that's okay... This is good.

This is the gem we were... Okay this is...

When he read the "Sigillum", the gem glowed,

so that is the source of the power.

So the book is like an instruction manual?

Yes!

But it's more like a recipe booklet.

What does thou need?

I need a banishment spell but the book is ruined,

so we don't have one!

I'll get your book.

Guys, whatever you're doing, do it faster!

(GRUNTING) Was it like a thing, like, uh...

I don't know, I can't remember! There was a note key.

There was like a... (SINGING RANDOM NOTE)

(BOTH SINGING RANDOM NOTES)

Game master!

Here be your spell!

Oh my God, fucking gambit!

It's a dead head!

ERIC: What does it say?

It's hot and it's so awful.

I can't...

Calm down now.

Calm down!

(SINGING IN ENOCHIAN)

(CAR STALLS) Oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

Crap!

(GROWLING, METAL CRUNCHING)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Ronnie! (SINGING STOPS, GRUNTING)

It's up to you, Jobryeth.

(HOWLING, CRUNCHING)

JOE: Eric... Eric!

The gem combined with signing, that's what makes

- the magic work, right? - Fuck if I know, man.

Are you a wizard or not? Yes, yes, yes.

It's definitely the catalyst.

I think this song will work... Fire it up.

Track two.

Go.

(HOWLING)

♪ Do you hear me hellspawn ♪

♪ Cast down into thine dark crypt ♪

♪ Shadows of our dead minions ♪

♪ Drag thee into the abyss ♪

What's he singing?

Sabbath?

Is it Motorhead?

No, that's a Dueling Stalker original, son.

♪ ...Rises bringing ♪

♪ His deadliest gifts ♪

(HOWLING)

♪ His soul is devoured in wrath ♪

♪ His dreams are alive and yet twisted ♪

♪ In blood red eclipse ♪

♪ He is reborn in the dark light ♪

It's working... It's working!

♪ He instigates thy doom ♪

♪ Raven's wings turn the sky to black ♪

♪ As he makes this world thy tomb ♪

♪ Lifeless husk ♪

♪ Breath life from you ♪

♪ Raise your blade ♪

♪ Defeat the vile ♪

♪ Snake your heart asunder ♪

(YOWLING)

♪ Raven's wings turn the sky ♪

Finish it!

♪ To black ♪

♪ As he makes this world thy tomb ♪

♪ A sacrifice of my soul ♪

♪ Before ♪

♪ A blazing funeral pyre for you ♪♪

Drop to the nether realms, bitch.

You have questionable taste in women, my friend.

Apparently.

But I have excellent taste when it comes to music.

Apparently.

(METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

You're a terrible bass player!

I know, isn't it awesome?

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ At the gates ♪

♪ Yes it's now or never ♪

♪ A twist of fate ♪

♪ I've seen the bad get badder ♪

♪ Sleepless nights oh ♪

♪ I see nightmare creatures ♪

♪ Don't turn away ♪

♪ This is your adventure ♪

♪ Silent hero waiting at the gates ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ At the gates alone ♪

♪ I come alive ♪

♪ In the heat of battle ♪

♪ I do or die ♪

♪ Spill the blood of your enemies ♪

♪ Sleepless nights oh ♪

♪ I see ghosts and demons ♪

♪ Such a life ♪

♪ This is your adventure ♪

♪ Saints and sinners waiting at the gates ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ At the gates alone ♪

♪ At the gates Yeah ♪

♪ Gates ♪

♪ Yeah At the gates alone ♪

♪ At the gates ♪

♪ Don't look no further ♪

♪ I feel the rage ♪

♪ And the voices burning ♪

♪ In your soul yeah ♪

♪ You're a nightmare creature ♪

♪ And feel the pain ♪

♪ As it turns to pleasure ♪

♪ Death and glory waiting at the gates ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ At the gates alone ♪

♪ At the gates ♪

♪ Yeah Gates ♪

♪ Yeah At the gates alone ♪

♪ At the gates ♪

♪ At the gates alone ♪

♪ At the gates ♪

♪ Yeah Gates ♪

♪ Yeah At the gates ♪

♪ Yeah Gates ♪

♪ Yeah At the gates ♪