Original subtitles

Previously on Masters of Sex...

We've had a very high success rate

with sensate therapy in cases like your wife's.

I just want it fixed.

I got asked to open a gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

There's that famous ape, Gil the Gorilla.

We know it's probably not your normal case, but...

They're animals, after all.

How hard can it really be?

Ernie Nevers.

You pick out any card you like, and just give me the stats,

and I will give you a quarter for anyone I don't get.

You're sitting at home all day with our screaming kids.

You're too smart for that.

We'll pay her five bucks a bag.

It's like she's dead.

It's like sitting here with a corpse.

Joy had an apartment. She was one foot out the door.

As far as she was concerned, your marriage was over.

I was just coming in to turn off the gas.

I took my time with the moving, but now I'm here.

- You being... - Mrs Edley, of course.

Fine. Then drinks, down the street at the Tap Room.

Why don't we have a cup of coffee, downstairs in the lobby?

- It'll give us time to strategize. - We can strategize.

So...

So?

You're the expert.

You want me to rate your performance?

Was it like when Ed Sullivan has plate spinners on his show?

No, it was more like the Beatles.

I told the sitter that I'd be home at 11:00, which is now.

So call her. Ask for another hour.

No, I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow,

get Tessa breakfast, and feed and dress the baby.

So, if I manage to get home by midnight,

and Lisa doesn't wake up at 3:00 in the morning,

miraculously, I will have gotten six hours of sleep.

Four being the more likely scenario.

That is a lot for one person.

I have a complicated life.

I assume that's why you've been leaving each night a little bit earlier.

I don't think that we've been doing this long enough to consider anything a pattern.

I'm leaving early because...

Busy.

Yes.

I like Bill, believe it or not.

I can see his good qualities. He's smart, dedicated, driven.

I'm not sure I like him for you.

For me?

Well, present circumstances aside,

that's an odd thing to say to a married woman,

a woman not married to Bill.

But you spend a lot of time with him, and guys like Bill...

Well, they're a lot of work.

I don't know, maybe your husband is a similar breed.

Like Fourth of July fireworks.

Impressive, but combustible as hell.

You spend all your time running around, trying to put out the flames

that you don't even realise they've burned you down to the ground,

right along with them.

That's quite a theory.

Although, I'm not sure that I would call my husband "impressive" in that way.

Well, certainly you and Bill have undertaken a grand experiment together.

Bill and I are not involved in any way except professionally.

For some reason I just find myself worrying about you, that's all.

I can imagine you take care of everyone in your life.

I can see you take care of Bill professionally.

But who takes care of you, Virginia?

My sitter.

My sitter is waiting for me, and I'm late.

I'll see you tomorrow?

9:00 a.m.

I meant after work. When it's time to enjoy yourself.

I enjoy myself at work.

Jesus H...

I was...

I was in a garden.

Okay, you were having a dream.

And in this garden, a plum fell on my lap.

Okay, you're gonna tell me about your dream now.

And I thought to myself, "The plum is ripe, I like plums,

"I should help myself." So I took a bite, and I...

Yeah, you'll never guess what jumped out.

Helen, I'm tired.

A rabbit.

And this rabbit started burrowing into my vagina.

And right before he disappeared inside me,

I pulled him out by his little rabbit's foot.

Only now, he wasn't a rabbit any more,

- he was a baby. - A baby.

- Yeah. - Okay.

This is no longer a dream. This is a mantra.

It's a recurring dream. Recurring dreams...

Means that you want me to do something about this.

I know. So I checked it out.

I went to three different adoption clinics,

and they all said the same thing.

They do not let single women adopt. I'm sorry.

Hon, it's just not in our cards.

But that's completely unfair.

Which is why I've been thinking...

There's this guy who comes in every week, to get his palm read,

Rufus. He's really sweet.

Rufus, who's been struck by lightning a lot of times, Rufus?

Electrocuted, pulling toast out of the toaster with a fork.

More than once, though, right?

Yes, more than once, but my point is he's really sweet,

and he's madly in love with me, and...

You know, maybe he'd be someone to get me pregnant.

He's said he's saving himself for marriage, so there's that snag.

- You'd have to marry Rufus? - A little.

You can't marry a little, Helen. I married a little, and look how that turned out.

Plus, Rufus is not smart.

Fine, he's dumb!

He's dumb.

Maybe I'm dumb, too, for wanting a baby this bad.

But I want a baby. I want a baby so bad.

Don't you want a baby?

Don't you want us to have a baby?

Why do I feel like I'm alone in this?

No.

You are not alone. I understand.

It's just, no one's gonna hand over a baby to a couple of middle-aged dykes.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Maybe it's just something I gotta do on my own.

Dr Scully's still at the Endometriai Symposium in Memphis,

so you'll have to see to Mrs Fletcher's insemination.

Also, Dan Logan's booked the other exam room from noon to 6:00.

Well, Dan Logan's gonna have to move.

Because?

Dan Logan's study has reached a dead end.

Only a chemist can solve the pheromone puzzle at this point.

We are not chemists.

So, it's time for Dan Logan to go back to New York

and enhance some product with the smell of pine.

Or you can let him have the exam room

rather than alienate the guy who wrote us a very handsome cheque.

Did you see this?

"They helped us find our way back to our marriage when no one else could."

"We were lost, and they rescued us."

Isabella Ricci? In Newsweek?

It's a profile piece, where they asked her about her marriage to Al "The Ape."

She credits our sensate therapy?

A protocol they didn't attempt. Why would they lie about that?

Because they got nabbed.

A tabloid photographer recognised the two of them leaving the clinic.

The upside is, because of this, Newsweek just called

and they want to do a feature article on the two of you.

I'm not discussing results which are a complete fabrication.

Wait, Bill, this is one failure.

For every Isabella and AI there have been hundreds we have helped.

And it is Newsweek, after all.

Publicity value aside, I refuse to take credit for some celebrity couple's cure

when the Hindenburg had a happier outcome.

Then we won't lie.

All patient information is confidential,

meaning we're not at liberty to discuss their case.

But we can talk about our work, our success rate.

Exposure like this, it could draw who knows how many people in through these doors.

What kind of sandwich?

We're going to Cavetti's.

- You work here? - Hence the lunch order.

All right. Turkey and Swiss. White. Tomato only.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

How old do you think I am?

Not old enough to be employed here.

It's my community service.

Turns out this is where they send all the bad girls as punishment.

Forced exposure to sex maniacs all day.

Harsh.

You do the crime, you do the time.

If you're trying to figure them out, don't bother.

Stonehenge is less of a mystery than those two.

I'm sorry, who exactly are you again?

Lunch girl.

So, do you want fries or coleslaw with your sandwich?

That's Dr Masters over there.

We'll just pretend that we're running into him.

Do I have to act? Can't I just shake his hand and tell him why I'm here?

No, you cannot.

Just stick with the "I wrote in with a problem" story, and we'll be fine.

Dr Masters?

This is Keith Coleman.

He wrote one of those letters I answered in that big sack of mail.

I actually didn't write a letter. I'm in Jane's theatre workshop.

Keith is also a friend from theatre.

He was terrific in our limited run of Oliver!

And why I'm here is, I'm impotent.

It's going on two years now. And because Jane's an old friend,

she said she could use her influence to get me in here,

which would be great, because I wanna hire you to fix me.

I both understand and sympathise...

Keith.

But we have a protocol in place here, Keith, as Jane is fully aware.

Well, I know it's not usually done like this...

Jane also knows that friends do not get preferential treatment here.

You and your wife need to make an appointment through my secretary.

I don't have a wife.

Fine. With your girlfriend, then.

No, he doesn't have a girlfriend, either.

Which is why I agreed to help him in this misguided way.

So who is it you're seeking treatment with?

Nobody. Like I said, I'm impotent.

I mean, I can't step into a batter's box with no bat.

I need to fix this first, then maybe I can find someone.

Unfortunately, our treatment only applies to couples, not single individuals.

I'm sorry.

Come on, come on!

Damn it!

God!

I have jumper cables.

Hard to miss the metaphor, isn't it?

Pardon?

My car battery's dead, my battery's dead.

I understand your frustration.

Come on.

This is all just science to you.

Tragically, this is my life.

I'm out there every day, living it.

If you can call this living.

I promise you, Keith, being a doctor doesn't mitigate my ability

to understand this kind of suffering.

Then let's appreciate the irony of this situation together, all right?

I can't get a girl because I can't perform.

And you can't help me perform because I don't have a girl.

And you know what's even worse? I'm fucking terrified.

Terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

First sexual experience?

Around age eight.

- And the specifics of the act? - "Specifics"?

So, the more information you can give us, the more precise we can be in our treatment.

I'm a little sketchy on the details.

Or perhaps you're confused, since eight does seem unusually young.

No, actually, it's fairly common.

Puberty is often accelerated when you're raised in captivity.

Well, I would imagine captivity alters many natural instincts.

In the wild, Gil would be motivated by fear.

He would also be motivated by the urge to mate.

And the need to eat would be the other major motivator.

But in captivity, what is there to fear?

Nothing.

Plus, he's spoon-fed 20 pounds of vegetables each day,

cherry pies for dessert,

so you'd think he'd devote all of his time to the ladies,

what, with fear and food off of the table.

And he did. For a long time, Gil was a regular Don Juan.

But this female ape now in from San Diego?

You might as well take her to see the Saint Louis Arch

for all the interest he's shown her.

Well, why don't we go back to the last successful mating.

What were the circumstances?

Position, environment, time of year?

I wasn't here.

That was right around the time his former keeper, Loretta Gladwin, left.

So she retired?

I'm not really sure. There was some brouhaha over her dismissal, and...

All I know is she left under some cloud,

and we're supposed to leave it at that.

He wasn't aggressive like that the last time I met him.

I didn't think he was aggressive now.

What? You think it was indigestion?

Look, we heard them out, that's all we were obligated to do.

We should help Gil.

Yes, we should help a gorilla, but not Jane's poor friend Keith.

No, I mean it. Before you dismiss it out of hand...

I've dismissed it already. He's an ape.

Yeah. And did you know that our genetic alignment with apes is almost 98%?

We're not just descended from apes, as Darwin pointed out,

we essentially are apes.

With several crucial differences. We can speak, they cannot.

So Gil can't tell us why he doesn't want to have sex.

But what if we were able to help him just by watching him,

intuiting his expressions and his signs, come up with a protocol?

We have an impressive success rate, Virginia.

Why would we obliterate that for some doomed experiment?

It would be such a coup if we did it.

Think of the publicity, Bill.

Now I understand men.

I understand how they think, how they tick essentially.

And there was something in the way that Gil was speaking to me...

Fine, apes don't speak.

But don't I help sexually dysfunctional and oftentimes inarticulate men,

in our offices, every single day?

Wasn't I able to help you, when you were similarly suffering?

Now, of course we'd have to talk to Gil's former handler,

see if there's anything we're missing.

But if we can return him to a healthy and satisfying sex life,

why wouldn't we?

If you are going to make that argument, why should we let any male suffer,

whether partnered or single, or ape, I suppose?

Or any woman suffer, for that matter?

Betty, have Jane come to my office. Or women, too, of course.

Although, I am specifically thinking of Jane's friend Keith.

Now, he's impotent, but he's single. It's a no-win situation.

Maybe in those letters that Jane reads,

she's found single women who are dysfunctional and in need of help, also.

You're not suggesting that we pair two non-functioning patients?

It worked for Lester and Barb.

He was impotent, she was suffering from vaginismus.

Lester and Barb put themselves together.

They knew one another, trusted one another.

Lester and Barb were already in love.

Jane. Come in.

We were just discussing your friend, Keith,

and the possibility of finding him a surrogate partner.

I do think that the partner should come from a list of women

who have already participated in the study, women we already know.

But what kind of woman, specifically?

Well, she should be functional sexually.

Sound emotionally. She should have an interest in the work,

good-hearted and have an inclination toward the healing arts.

She would also have to be willing to do it for free

because to pay her would essentially amount to prostitution.

Would a background in musical theatre help?

A woman who just finished a six-week run as Nancy in Oliver?

I'd do anything For you, dear, anything.

For you mean everything to me

I think that Jane is volunteering.

Because I know Keith. He's an old friend, and I'd like to help.

And we appreciate your offer, and your song, Jane,

but we couldn't do that to Lester.

We're taking a break.

Next session is not for another half hour.

Thanks.

How long have you worked here, again?

How long was Dante stuck in purgatory?

And how long have you known Mrs Johnson?

Why are you asking me about her?

Because office girls know everything about everyone.

Well, if you're smart,

you won't get involved with Mrs Johnson.

She has a very messy life.

Who said anything about getting involved?

I'm young, not stupid.

She's married, for starters.

With a couple of kids, but no worries there,

it's not like they slow her down any.

She's pretty, too. I'll give her that.

Knows how to use it.

Meaning?

Meaning this job.

She never even graduated from college.

You've met Dr Masters. Does he strike you as a milk-of-human-kindness kind of guy,

handing out golden opportunities to uncredentialed secretaries?

Well, from where I sit, Mrs Johnson is an impressive woman.

Though it wouldn't surprise me if Masters was smitten with her.

He's more than smitten. I know for a fact he's sleeping with her.

And it's gross. It makes me sick.

Mrs Fletcher's changing into her robe.

Wants to know if she can have a cigarette before the procedure.

I don't recommend it, but if she insists.

I heard you and Virginia are gonna help Jane's single friend, Keith.

It's being discussed.

That's a good thing, taking care of single people.

It's funny, 'cause we've been getting a bunch of calls from single women lately,

asking if we can impregnate them using donor sperm from the bank.

I don't know. Go figure.

So, can we?

The question has never arisen before, but, no.

"No"?

You know, so I can tell them when they call.

For starters, I'd have to ask why a woman would want to pursue single motherhood.

Well, it's nothing new. Husbands die or leave all the time.

But you can't compare attrition to trying to make it happen.

It's an incredibly difficult path, undertaken all alone.

What if she raised the child with a friend, say, you know,

someone who'd be there to help out?

Friends move, they have lives of their own.

You can't expect a friend to make an 18-year commitment

to a child that's not even their own.

What if a friend could make that commitment?

What if a friend was family?

A healthy, single woman does not need me to inseminate her.

A couple of gin and tonics and the guy one bar stool over

would be just as effective.

I got together with Gil when he was 12.

I was right out of college,

and he had just left the Cleveland Zoo.

Here you go.

I mean, in many ways, we really grew up together.

I just... I can't believe Gil's not mating.

For how long?

A little over a year now.

But Gil is a class "A" breeder.

Who's his trainer?

Does she have any experience with primates?

I mean, you just can't just get some bozo who has been cleaning up after giraffes

and stick them in there with Gil. I mean, there's an art.

Gil's new trainer is a man.

There's your problem, right there.

Gil has to have a female attendant.

Someone who can stroke his ego, and let him know that he's the king.

Did you know that Gil's birthday is the exact same day as Elvis?

No, we didn't.

Yeah. It was always a little joke between us,

who was the real king?

A joke between you and Gil?

What I am saying is that no man will be able to care for Gil.

He needs a woman.

Did you ever witness Gil mating, back when he was mating successfully?

There was nothing that went on with Gil that I wasn't there for.

Would you care to elaborate?

Well, after he and a female would get acquainted,

I'd sit with Gil and let him know how big and strong he was,

what a catch he was.

You know, just cheer him on a bit.

That is hard to believe.

That you would just talk to Gil, and he was able to perform.

With me, Gil sired 21 offspring,

seven different females from zoos all over the country.

So, I'd say it was enough.

But besides words of encouragement,

was there anything else that you'd do to

help Gil along?

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, would you...

We just...

Look, I don't know what you've heard, okay, but Gil and I were friends.

Close friends, devoted friends. But friends, and that's all.

So, if you will excuse me...

Of course.

Thank you so much for your time.

Miss Gladwin,

would you ever consider returning to the zoo to help Gil

get past whatever barrier it is that's holding him back?

I'm sorry. That would be a little too painful for both of us.

After Gil and I split, I mean, I was just a mess.

I couldn't leave my house.

I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep.

I am just now getting my life back into order.

So, no.

You're on your own.

Thank you.

I don't want to go to bed yet.

A kiss doesn't always mean I'm sending you off.

I was just thinking that I'm going to go next door and check in on Mr Edley.

And Mrs Edley?

Yes, of course. Mrs Edley, too.

See how they're doing.

Can I stay up until you get back?

Yes.

Goodbye, Ernie Nevers.

John?

It's awfully late for you, isn't it?

Mom's letting me stay up until she gets back.

Back from?

Next door. The Edleys.

Is there something burning?

Maybe.

Maybe Mom burned some plastic wrap.

She's been pretty distracted lately.

- So, how was school? - I'm really tired.

I'm going to go to bed.

It's for the apartment. If you agree.

Look, just go. Take your cheque and just go.

I don't blame you for being furious with me.

I cannot begin to apologise for what I did.

For telling you what I knew about Joy.

It was not mine to tell.

Well, we can't unring that bell now, can we?

And what difference would it make anyway? Libby, I was going to find out soon enough,

when I walked through that door and found a Dear John letter on the counter.

Or wasn't that how Joy planned on telling me?

What was her plan exactly?

- I don't know about that. - Something you don't know.

I have to admit, whatever it was, it worked, in its own sick kind of way.

Being totally clueless as to what was really happening here.

It made taking care of her seem noble.

- But now... - I know.

You're left with pain and confusion and resentment.

Don't tell me what I feel.

I will tell you because I know.

I know how precious illusions can be.

I know how they can keep you alive.

I know because it has been so long

since I had any about my own life.

Sometimes, I sit in that apartment and I pretend

that my husband is gonna walk through the door.

But not as he is now, but from another, earlier time.

And I sit there thinking, "God, If I can just keep this dream alive",

"just for a little while, just a little bit each day,"

"then maybe it will allow me to go home to the real Bill."

- I can't hear this. - Please don't turn away from me!

What do you want from me?

These past few months, all I have wanted to see come through that door is you.

That's the only thing I had to look forward to. That was it.

And you took it, along with my illusions about my wife.

Keep the apartment. It's yours.

She sounded like a good candidate.

We need to find someone who's going to be a good surrogate,

not scare a guy out of hiccups.

We need to keep looking.

- Why? You just keep rejecting them all. - We haven't found the right girl.

F-34-21 was good.

F-34-21 is Sue, the supply secretary from Memorial.

She once threw a stapler at a guy in a wheelchair.

That's not exactly the helping hand that Keith needs.

This is F-12-22.

Don't shut that off, Lester. That's me.

I know who it is.

Then look at it.

You filmed this.

It's how you fell in love with me.

Well, maybe not that shot.

Why are you showing this to me?

Because I want you to remember how this all started.

Lester, I knew from the very beginning that this work was groundbreaking.

That what Dr Masters and Virginia were doing was brave and fearless,

and it made me feel brave and fearless, too.

It's why I volunteered way back then,

and it's why I want to volunteer now.

As a surrogate. For Keith.

You want to boff somebody from Mr Taybor's drama class?

I wanna contribute. I wanna help.

Are you insane?

How does humping old friend Keith help me, or our kids, or our marriage?

Well, you've dedicated your life to this work, haven't you?

And what about when you were in Keith's shoes?

I overheard Dr Masters and Virginia talking about you and Barb.

Why didn't you tell me you were impotent?

That you and Barb participated in the work?

Because it's not the kind of thing you blab about to your wife.

Because the whole reason I was impotent to begin with

was because you dumped me for some dickhead director,

and I fell apart.

Because you broke my heart.

And it was all just so very humiliating.

But you got the help that you needed.

Here, you were cured.

I know he deserves help.

God, if anyone knows, it's me.

You were cured, and I came back to you.

Because it's you that I love, Lester.

It's Keith I just wanna help.

If we're going to do this, we should do it now.

Give it one shot, one shot only.

However long it takes, Bill.

Because if this were any other suffering male, you'd be the first one to help.

A suffering human male, yes.

And I am arguing that there may not be as much of a difference as you'd think.

We tell his trainer to take the day off.

- Today? - Get it over with.

Do our best.

I suppose it wasn't that long ago I was a suffering creature also,

as you pointed out.

And you saved me, so...

Good morning. I have a proposition for you two.

- Actually, we're in the middle of... - Come in, Dan. What's on your mind?

So, my company is debuting our new popcorn butter flavouring

tonight at the premiere of The Ghost and Mr Chicken,

over at the Hi-Pointe Theatre.

And I thought, "Who doesn't love Don Knotts?"

Barney Fife is a staple in my home.

Captain Harry Little, The Last Time I Saw Archie?

Henry and I saw that three times.

Which is why I thought it might be fun to invite the entire office.

Our office? That's very thoughtful.

Your gang seems game to come because I've already run it by them.

That is very generous of you, Dan.

It does sound like fun, doesn't it, Bill?

I think we could all use a little time off.

Absolutely, we could.

Unfortunately, we do have to work tonight.

No, we have to work today.

Well, we don't know how long this is gonna take.

So then, let's move it until tomorrow.

One more night curled around a Tyre swing isn't going to make any difference.

It'll make a difference to Gil.

Wasn't that your point to me, Virginia?

Virginia was just saying I have a soft spot for any suffering male.

Yes, it's almost a knee-jerk reaction with Bill.

And while no one appreciates Don Knotts more than I...

A suffering male.

He was very good on Steve Allen.

I'm sure that was him.

And I'm also a huge fan of popcorn with butter.

Butter-like flavour. Even better.

Which is why it's such a shame that Mrs Johnson and I are busy

with all this work on our plates.

But, please do, certainly, take the rest of the office.

They'll love it.

I was just telling Virginia the other day

how important I think it is to spend time away from work.

Has Virginia spoken to you about the case?

It's fascinating. Really.

Mrs Johnson and I are essentially reaching back through time

to understand the nature of evolutionary attraction.

The patient is an unusual one.

Who requires extra care.

So, sadly, we will have to leave Mr Chicken's ghost to you.

You sure about that, Virginia? You really can't break away?

We are very busy, Dan.

We're doing an interview with Newsweek tomorrow.

Plus this very challenging case, as we said.

Aren't all cases a challenge?

No, not like this one.

Because?

It's a gorilla.

Sorry, but I need the PDR if I'm going to file properly.

Good. Tessie, you can meet Dan. Mr Logan, say hello to my daughter.

Tessie, this is Mr Logan.

He's the one doing the scent tests that I told you about.

Nice to meet you, Mr Logan.

A pleasure.

No reason to be nervous. Dr Masters is completely respectful.

It's sensory therapy, so it'll just be you and me.

I sound like I ran a marathon.

It's okay.

Relax.

That you were willing to do this for me, Jane, I can never...

You're welcome.

It's...

How long until...

As Virginia says, it's a process.

I'm here with you.

So, for now, just listen to the sound of my voice as I tell you...

Who's a handsome gorilla?

Who's a big, strong boy?

Go on, Gil.

Go to her. Look, she's ready.

You're the king, remember?

Yes, you are. You can... You can do this.

How much more time are we going to give this?

It's a process, Virginia. You know that better than I.

Yes, but I've now used every encouraging word

that I've ever uttered to any male, ever.

He's listening.

I know that he's listening, but somehow it's not enough.

This was a mistake.

To think that we could ever convince another species,

- that I could convince another... - He is 98% us.

But he's not us, and this is nothing more than hubris on my part.

Maybe just move towards him. Just a little bit closer.

Try again.

Do you remember the other day, Gil?

You liked me then, didn't you?

I can always tell when someone is interested in me.

It's all right, you can look at me.

I'm here to help you.

I'm here, look at me.

I'm here to help you.

Okay. All right, now go...

Go to her, Gil. That's good.

Go on.

He wants... He wants your breast.

Loretta was a full-figured woman.

He wants...

He wants Loretta's breast.

No one gives of themselves like you, Virginia.

You saved me, now it's Gil's turn to be saved.

What are you doing here?

I had nowhere else to go.

Hiya, Hank!

We fooled him.

We're going to use this thing on me?

It's a catheter. I'm going to slip it up into your...

You know, your cervix.

And then I'm going to shoot the little swimmers in with it.

But do we have time?

Because, you know the book said that the sperm takes a half hour to thaw,

and then you've gotta put it up me, and then I have to sit still for one hour.

Helen, it's 2:00 in the morning,

Hank doesn't wanna know what we're doing in here,

I think we're safe.

This is a really big decision, Betts.

I mean, you know, deciding who to pick for the donation.

I thought this guy seemed good.

"6'1", 180 pounds, eyes green, brown hair."

Yeah, I got nothing against him,

but he could also be anyone. What else?

What "what else"? That's it. It's all done anonymously,

so we're always gonna be a little short on pertinent information.

What about character?

Helen, it's sperm.

We add the character.

It's not just sperm! It could be anybody.

It could be Lee Harvey Oswald's sperm.

It could be the sperm of the Cincinnati Strangler,

Richard Nixon, by way of example.

You know, this is when I just wish that you were just...

This is when you wish that you were just one of the regular folks,

'cause regular folks just... They just get what they get.

They don't have all this responsibility of choosing.

It should be a big responsibility. We're making a baby.

I do envy the regular folks, though.

At least they have some idea of what kind of kid they're gonna get on the other end.

They don't even have photos of the donors in here.

- I mean, not that looks are everything. - Well, they're not nothing either.

But smarts matter.

A good heart matters most.

When we have our kid, no matter who she is or who he is,

we're gonna love 'em like crazy.

Maybe people just say that 'cause they're stuck with what they got.

'Cause they didn't have a choice.

Well, what choice do we have? It's either this or nothing, right?

Actually, I might know someone

who's a whole lot better than nothing.

I talked with Zookeeper Steve this morning.

They were astounded at our success with Gil.

Can't imagine how we managed to pull that off.

Well, what happened yesterday

was no solution at all.

I wasn't looking for a solution, I was looking for an answer.

To what?

Whether or not it could be done.

Whether I could do it. We could do it.

And we did.

There's something for Newsweek to chew on.

We will not tell Newsweek about this.

Gil proves that performance-based dysfunction is so rooted in our psyche

that not even the most primitive of us, under certain stresses,

are immune to its effects.

But more importantly,

that these dysfunctions can be repaired.

By us.

And why not let Newsweek print the story

that says Masters and Johnson can fix anyone, even an ape?

Because it's not true.

We can straighten out anything that human beings manage to screw up.

We can't, Bill. And you know it.

That was a fluke, not a cure, which is why we cannot say it.

Some doctor's office, where you can get syphilis from breathing the air.

What kind of orthopedist works here?

These women don't need an orthopedist?

On their feet all day, twisting themselves in knots.

Can you imagine the wear and tear?

But for us? For our baby?

Honey, honey, he's a doctor with a face like a movie star

and a body that looks like it should be throwing thunderbolts from a cloud.

If you want our baby to have the best head start,

- this is how we do it. - Can I help you ladies?

- Austin, it's so good to see you! - Betty, how are you?

- I'm good. - Good.

This is my girlfriend Helen.

- Hi, Helen, nice to meet you. - Hi.

Girlfriends as in pals from high school, or girlfriends as in the previous act?

We're lovers, Austin.

Okay.

Whatever works, ladies.

So, what did you want to speak to me about?

We have a favour to ask.

And your most significant case to date?

We consider each and every case significant in its own way.

Any chance of narrowing that down a little?

Maybe there's a celebrity angle that we can share with our readers?

Each case, taken together, makes up the body of our scientific study.

How about you, Dr Masters? You care to respond?

I agree with Mrs Johnson that each case matters on its own merits.

But, if I were to choose one case

that stood out as particularly meaningful,

it would have to be the one involving an ape.

Al "The Ape" Neely and his wife, Isabella Ricci.

I'm so glad you brought them up.

Since they themselves have been so public about their treatment with us,

I feel we can say they're patients, although I can't divulge specifics.

All right then, in a general way, what about their case is significant?

Well,

let's take, as an example, a real ape,

taken out of its natural habitat,

is a good way of understanding what happened with the Neelys.

Because if you take that ape

and damage it

in ways that only humans can inflict damage,

watch it turn itself into something it's not,

then our job is to take those shattered parts

and bring them together

and allow, through a successful coupling,

those wounds

to finally heal.

I figured now that I know your taste in men,

I'd give it another chance and ask you out to the movies.

God, you're drenched.

How long have you been sitting there?

Hours.

And I jammed the zipper putting it on,

so I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get this thing off.

I suppose the only difference between you and every other man

is that you wear your ape on the outside.

I get the feeling this wasn't a good idea.

I know that you were trying to be sweet.

What happened?

What went wrong?

We were successful.

He mated.

But?

But he needed some encouragement.

From me.

And I think I may have taken it a little too far.

What's too far?

I showed my...

But did you kiss him?

No.

No, I didn't.

Well, good.