Original subtitles

It's not symmetrical.

[upbeat holiday music playing]

- How 'bout now? - Still not great.

I think we're gonna run into the similar problem that

none of these trees are perfectly symmetrical.

- Why you arguing with me? - I'm not arguing with you.

I just think you're expecting a lot from a tree.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, my God.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is beautiful.

- Okay! - It's my tree.

- Let's get it! - [both laughing]

Excuse me. Hi, sorry.

This, um, doesn't seem to have a price tag.

How much is this?

60 pounds.

- You what? - For a tree?

- Does it talk? - No.

Icy.

[scoffs]

Great. So this will never be mine.

Now I know how Tiny Tim feels.

It feels like crap.

♪ ♪

- Kay, c'mon. - You can't do that.

- Kay, shut it. - [gasps]

This is illegal.

No one should be allowed to own a tree, anyway.

- Oh, my God. - You might be right.

- I know I'm right. - [gasps]

- Hey, hello. - [both chuckling]

15, just like the... Says on the thing.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

We're, like, straddling the tree, Jesus Christ.

'Cause I'm straddling the tree.

- It's like up me, okay? - Come on.

So sweet of you doing this all so early for me.

Well, we had to.

You don't have Christmas in New Zealand.

Yes, we do.

Oh, yeah, but it's summertime.

That's rank.

No, we're having a proper British Christmas

for our poor little orphan girl.

Oh, my God!

You all right?

I think I'm gonna die without you.

You won't die.

You will starve if you don't rent out my room.

[scoffs] Well, let me starve.

I'm gonna keep it as a shrine,

like you're my missing child.

[sniffles, sighs]

That is the sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

How is this worse, now?

[light piano melody]

♪ ♪

[laughs softly]

[sighs]

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[sighs]

- Okay. - [indistinct chatter]

All right, ready?

Okay, one, two, three.

- [crackers popping] - Oh!

[laughter]

- Okay, read them out. - Read them out.

"You can run from your mistakes,

but the escape is only temporary."

- Ooh. - Ahh.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

So, I get them from a customer at work.

Um, she uses craft to deal with her anxiety.

- That's very creative. - Very eco.

Oh. "Love is fleeting.

Loneliness is forever."

- Mm. - Sure.

Mm, I think that's beautiful.

That's actually interesting.

"Life is pain, but..."

Oh, God, I think... I think this is blood.

- Yeah. - Yep, that's blood.

Ian, what did you get?

Just a, uh, just a receipt, I think.

All: Ah.

Like materialism, yes.

- Like, it's a symbol. - Mm-hmm.

Okay! Who's ready for dessert?

- Oh, me! - Yes.

- Thank you, Kate. - Okay.

Could've had a little bit more.

- But so much turkey. - I know.

So have you packed yet?

I've got all the essentials.

I got my passport, cash, Steve.

I forgot to tell you.

I'm actually taking Steve back to New Zealand with me.

- I hope you don't mind. - [chuckling]

Take him, I don't care.

- I don't think she means that. - I think she means...

No!

- What? - I forgot the custard.

What the fuck?

It's fine, we don't need it.

No, I can't have any anyway 'cause I'm vegan.

- Not in this house you're not. - Back in a minute.

You can't go out just for custard.

Um, yes, I can.

I'm not serving Christmas pudding without custard.

We're not animals.

- Ooh, Kate. - Yes, honey?

Could you get me a Kinder Bueno?

[chuckles]

We're just about to have dessert, babe.

[chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm sorry.

[laughs]

[footsteps fade]

Ah.

- [door shuts] - I kind of feel like

a Kinder Bueno now.

Same, yeah. Nutty.

Yeah, Christmassy.

- Said that. - Thanks, guys.

[soft holiday music playing]

[door chime jingles]

- Sorry. - Sorry.

♪ ♪

Tom?

Tom!

Kate.

Tom.

Yup.

Ah, yeah.

- [soft indistinct chatter] - I'm not eating those.

Then you're missing out on the best night of your life.

I cannot believe that this is your

entire contribution to this party.

You did say bring something fun.

Yeah, I meant like a tiramisu

with like a fun pattern in the cocoa or something.

Then you should have been specific.

Okay, next time I'll know

to ask you not to put weed in perfectly good brownies.

They're not even that strong.

I went blind from one

for like 40 minutes once, but I'm a lightweight.

I just don't do too well on drugs.

Last time I had a brownie, I freaked out and watched

Jim Henson funeral videos on YouTube.

Jim Henson's dead?

Look who I bumped into.

Tom Kapoor, the movie star, was at the shops.

Hi.

- Ah, hey, dude. - Hi, Tom.

Didn't mean to interrupt, again.

- Oh, my God. - You are not interrupting.

No, no, I invited you. You're my guest.

♪ Be our guest ♪

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Um, oh, actually.

We were gonna have a cigarette before dessert,

so maybe you could sort that out, Jessie...

The dessert.

Yes, yeah. Totally, yeah.

I've actually given up, so...

- Sorry, what? - Smoking.

Oh, maybe you can start again.

No, I'm actually doing really...

Yeah, I think you want a cigarette. Now.

Oh, okay.

- Can I get my coat? - Just a cigarette.

Lovely.

[clears throat]

Hey, man.

Hey.

Uh, S-Steve.

Kate didn't say you were doing a whole thing.

- No, it's not a whole thing. - It's just like

a pre-Christmas Christmas thing for me

before I go home.

Oh.

When you going?

Tomorrow morning.

Cool.

When you coming back?

No, I'm...

I'm going-going.

Right.

Fuck. That's, uh...

Did you really bump into Kate at the shop,

or are you just stalking me?

Bit of both. Maybe.

[chuckles]

I was gonna call,

but I didn't know if you'd answer.

But in hindsight,

just turning up is pretty weird.

Maybe.

But, you know, you're old.

That's how they did things in the olden days.

- The '80s, just show up places. - Yeah.

I'm sorry about how things went

- last time we saw each other. - No, no, it's fine.

- It's honestly fine. - I can't believe

I put you in that position.

It was so long ago, it doesn't...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I'm... yeah.

I'm really sorry, 'cause...

[sighs]

I said some awful things. Awful.

But in my defense,

I was really hungry.

[chuckles]

I was so hungry.

[laughs] It was...

Those hotel soaps.

They are tiny. They're not a full dinner.

Oh, God.

To be honest, there were only appetizers.

[chuckles]

Do you want a tea?

- Yeah, thanks. - Mm.

[clears throat]

[sighs]

I'm gonna check if they... Probably...

- Yeah, cool. - [clears throat]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God, yes?

- How's it going? - How is it?

- Good? Good, good, good? - Okay? Yep?

- Is it all right? - [whispers] It's fine.

It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

Cool.

- It's all good, yeah. - [laughs softly]

It's actually really weird. Really weird.

- [whispering] - Of course it's weird.

You need to go back in there.

Your energy is not helping right now.

Also, this is your fault.

It's...

[muffled chatter]

Mm.

- It's freezing out here. - Does someone actually

- have a cigarette? - No, I quit.

You need to go back in there

and kiss him or something.

- Are you nine years old? - He doesn't...

Can't just go and kiss him.

Who votes Jessie

should try and kiss Tom the movie star?

No, I abstain.

[sighs]

Put your hands down right now.

Else, I swear to God, I'll kill you all.

Put your fucking hands down right now.

- Would you put your hand up? - I don't...

- Put your hands down. - Put your hand up.

- Well, okay. - What are we doing then?

- Look at a star. - Oh, put... yes.

There, we'll just look up.

- Oh! - [overlapping chatter]

I love a cigarette.

- So who wants what? - Tea, coffee?

Well, we're all gonna head out, actually.

- Oh. - Yeah, we actually have

another friend's Christmas drinks

we're supposed to be at.

We really can't miss it.

No, we couldn't.

She'd kill us.

She's not well.

So we should really see her.

Before she dies.

God, that's awful.

Um, well, I totally understand.

- I should... - No!

Well,

Jessie doesn't need to come.

Because, well, they don't get along.

- Oh. - No, we don't, so...

Yeah, Jessie didn't donate to her GoFundMe.

It was a political thing.

Just one of those things, isn't it?

You know, everyone's different. [all laughing]

All right, we'll tell you how she is.

[overlapping chatter] So nice to see you, Tom.

- It was... yeah, goodbye. - Yeah.

- Sup, man. Awesome, yeah. - Ah, yeah.

- So great to see you, man. - See you soon.

- Just, uh, so... - Oh, oh, okay.

- See them out. - I'm gonna see them out.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

- Good luck. Don't ruin it. - Have an amazing time.

Okay, thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks, thanks, thanks. Okay, yeah.

That's fine. I'll see you at the pub later.

You better not.

Okay.

- See ya. - Bye.

And a very Merry Christmas, indeed.

[jazzy piano tune]

♪ ♪

Tom?

[gasping and panting]

♪ ♪

- [clears throat] - Jessie.

Hey.

I don't feel well.

Oh. Oh, whoa!

What the...

Are you... are you okay? You gonna throw up?

- Oh, I feel sick. - Okay, come on, come on.

- Is the ceiling falling? - [gasping]

I think the ceiling is falling.

- Oh, no. - No, it's not.

Stop it. No, it's falling!

- Here we go, here we go. - It's fine. Yep, down.

- Come on, come on. - Can't do anything to stop it.

- I know, it's fine. - It's fine, it's fine.

Why did you eat it?

I didn't know it had weed in it.

Who does that?

- Total legends. - [groans]

- Listen very carefully. - Okay.

You need to call the ambulance.

Why don't we just wait

ten minutes and see how you feel then, okay?

No, I'll be dead by then.

You're not gonna be dead, okay?

You don't understand.

No one has ever felt like this before.

- I promise you. - I promise you they have, okay?

It's gonna be okay.

Why aren't you more upset that I'm gonna die?

Because you're not gonna die.

You're gonna live a long and happy life

and you're gonna grow old.

Your grandchildren are gonna be on hoverboards.

You're gonna be like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so cool!

My kids have hoverboards."

They're gonna look great.

It's gonna be fine.

- I'm scared. - Hey.

Do you trust me?

- No. - [whimpers]

Yes, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

What can I do? What can I do?

Anything, anything you want me to do, I'll do.

I'm yours, okay?

- Anything? - Mm-hmm.

Seven, eight...

[playful piano music]

- Is this your card? - Mm-mm.

- Three, four, five and six. - Seven...

That's not your card.

- No. - It wasn't your card.

So you can wear it like that.

You could probably, like, put both

sort of on the side, like a little Grecian thing.

- [straining] - No, no, I don't like it.

- It's not working. - No, it's...

You could use this sort of like a scarf.

That's nice, actually.

Nine, oh.

Ten! [Sighs]

Your pulse is normal.

It's like you were going on, like, a nice brisk walk, kay?

Where did you learn to do that?

- The gym. - I got a free trial once, so...

[chuckles]

Jessie.

Tom.

I'm seeing colors.

Same.

They're coming out of your head.

- That's normal, I think. - It's...

Ugh, this isn't how tonight was supposed to go.

Oh.

- So you had a plan? - [sighs]

Yes.

I have to go back to Ireland for work.

I wanted you to come with me.

I was gonna woo you.

- Really? - Yeah.

And then I had a brownie.

And now I'm ruined forever.

[sighs]

I wanted to see you...

Not just tonight.

Lots of times, but

I didn't know if you wanted to see me.

I like seeing you.

I think about you all the time.

That's very nice.

You're still very high.

- I am. - Mm-hmm.

I really am, but

I just... I think that...

[sighs]

I think I might be falling in love with you.

I hate that.

- Why? - Uh, it just...

It's like saying "I almost have an emotion."

I do have an emotion.

No, you are having a mild

weed-induced panic attack.

- I feel things. - Mm-hmm.

Okay? Strong things.

- For you, specifically. - Right.

Do you

feel any

things for me?

Yes.

Annoyingly.

Yes.

- Knew it. - Shut up.

Come to Ireland with me.

Come to New Zealand with me.

No, don't leave.

Stay here.

Come to Ireland.

I made a plan.

I can't.

Why?

We hardly know each other, you know.

What? Yeah, we do.

How old am I?

- 29. - 28!

Oh, okay, well, um,

I know your parents' names.

David and Liz.

- Mm. - See?

That's creepy.

[chuckles]

[groans]

Don't think it should be this hard to be with someone.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know if you know this, but...

[sighs] You are incredibly famous.

Thank you.

That wasn't a compliment.

Go on a date with me.

I'm on a plane tomorrow.

- Ugh, I know. - Mm.

So what do we do?

Don't know.

Be friends?

Can I kiss you before we become friends?

Absolutely not.

- Why? - Because you're still high

and I am a gentleman.

[clears throat]

You know, you probably won't even

remember this in the morning.

[pensive piano tune]

I will.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[alarm ringing]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

[floorboards creak]

Morning.

- Morning. - [chuckles]

Thanks.

♪ ♪

Cheers, pal.

[chuckles]

You're welcome, friend.

I'm sorry for trying to put drugs in your bag.

[laughs]

I was hoping it'd entertain you or something.

It's really sweet. So sweet.

[sighs] I'll see you soon.

[laughs softly]

Right, you're welcome here anytime, Tom.

Thanks, Kate.

I've actually got a room going spare,

if you're keen, so...

I'll bear that in mind.

[door shuts]

- How are you getting there? - Bus for a bit.

And then, um,

train.

I'll help you with these to the bus stop.

You don't have to do that.

No, no, course I will.

Thanks.

[delicate jazzy piano]

♪ ♪

- I, um... - I can come a bit of the way.

Yeah.

Kay.

♪ ♪

[bell dings]

Is this you?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

This stop is Charing Cross station.

Change here for services to Heathrow,

terminals one, two, and three.

[brakes squeal]

[pleasant upbeat piano]

♪ ♪

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