Original subtitles

- Except for bets. - [gasps]

- I swear on my life. - No. No.

- [indistinct chatter] - Really... oh, that's fine.

Well, that's quite classy, really.

Ooh, did you hear about Christopher?

- No. - Huh?

He threatened to sue Ms. Atkinson

'cause she wouldn't let him charge his phone in class.

He's always had a real big dick in him, that Christopher.

- You can't say that. - He's a child.

I'm not saying he actually has a big penis.

- Right, okay. - I'm just saying that, like,

you know, it's the energy.

There's like a big energy penis around him.

Yeah, you still can't say that.

What?

- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

- It's my day today. - Oh, fuck.

Do you ever check the schedule?

No, no... I mean,

I look at calendars for the pictures, you know?

Oh, thanks for the murder mystery party,

by the way. It was fun.

Is that what you were telling me about?

Did you really have sex with Tom Kapoor?

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Did you really... did you... - Yeah, yeah, I did.

- Did you, really, really? - Have you told everyone?

- Oh, my God. - That's great. Yes, I have.

- I did. - What? No.

- Honestly... - We're just very proud of you.

- It's not a big deal. - It is.

It's like fan fiction, but it's real.

It's like fan non-fiction.

Okay, well, I'm not a fan, so...

Well, it sounds like you were a fan.

Of his D.

- Yeah, nice. - [laughter]

- Okay, well, all right. - I'm going.

Where you going? Don't go.

Tell us more about his penis.

[overlapping chatter]

Fuck you all.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

- Where are the kids? - It wasn't my day.

- Oh, thank God. - I thought you lost them again.

Okay, so you do something one time,

and it becomes your thing, is that it?

Yeah, sort of.

That was character building for them, to get lost.

Michael, I'm leaving.

Oh, Michael said I could take these home.

These are dead.

- All these flowers are dead. - Grow up.

♪ ♪

Anything for me?

Well, there's a little pizza menu here

you can read.

I love a little pizza menu.

"American Hot."

I never know what they mean by that.

Does that just mean pepperoni?

Why don't they just say pepperoni?

- Oh, my God. - But it has jalapeños on it.

- I guess that's hot. - Oh, my God!

What?

It's an invite

to a private screening of Tom's film.

Oh. Okay.

See-through. Tom Kapoor!

Yeah, I put that together myself, actually.

- It's addressed to me. - What the hell is going on?

You basically asked him to go last time you saw him.

- I can't go. - I couldn't do that to you.

[sighs]

Thank you. That's really...

Although, I might go.

I would love to go.

I feel like it'd be rude not to go, you know,

like, rude to Tom... Tom Kapoor.

[sighs] I can't believe I'm going.

Wow, such a treat to see you come full circle there.

This is, like, the most thoughtful gift

that anyone has ever given me.

I got you a calligraphy set last year, that was cool.

- Well, we're going, obviously. - Uh, you can go.

- What? - You have to come with me.

- I am not going. - Why not?

Because I'm actually attending

a police auction that evening.

Oh, okay, no, no.

You're coming with me, 'cause this is perfect.

Tom obviously wants you to go.

- No, it'd be weird. - No, it's not.

Because you know what this is? You've got the upper hand.

You're gonna go in there. You're gonna see Tom Kapoor.

And you're gonna grab him by the scruff of the neck

and say,

"Who do you think you are?"

Yeah, 'cause that wouldn't be weird.

Right. You're gonna be there?

Don't be dumb.

You're gonna be on the red carpet,

looking sexy as all hell.

"Oh, my God, who is that beautiful lady?

"Wow." Even Tom is gonna be like,

"Oh, my God, is that Jessie? She looks insane tonight.

I can't believe how beautiful she is."

Why do we have a fucking cane in the house?

I don't know, but you're gonna use it.

I am not going to the premiere with a cane.

So you're going?

[sighs] I'll think about it.

Oh, yes! She's going.

- She's going! - I didn't say that.

- Girl's going to the movies. - I didn't say that.

- [vocalizing fanfare] - I said I'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

[cheerful jazz music]

♪ ♪

What kind of event is it?

Like, how fancy are we talking?

Not crazy fancy, just fancier than my normal clothes.

Oh, that shouldn't be too hard.

- I don't wanna overdress. - I don't...

I don't really wanna go at all.

Yeah, yeah, go into the bedroom and try this on.

Oh, oh, oh... shoes.

You need shoes. What size feet do you have?

- I'm not at liberty to say. - Just tell me.

I'll write it down on a piece of paper for you

and seal it in an envelope,

and then you can open it up at a later day or...

Tell me or you're fired.

[laughs] You can't do that.

- Let me see, let me see... - What are you doing?

I will report you! What are you doing?

To who? I'm your boss.

- Stop struggling. - Oh, my God, stop it!

- God, st... - Ugh, men's 10 1/2.

Uh, okay.

Pretty ungenerous guess there.

Actually, I'm more of a men's 8.

I can't help you with that, though.

All right.

You know, you need to clean your carpet.

- Thanks for that, here you go. - Thank you.

Those are nice.

What?

Matching underwear.

What?

Mm, yeah.

Okay.

[receding footsteps] Very interesting!

[pleasant piano music playing]

[glassing clanking, indistinct chatter, laughter]

♪ ♪

Can you believe these were free?

Who are all these for?

I told the guy at the bar

that two of them were for our boyfriends.

[laughing] Fucking idiot!

We look fucking ridiculous.

I'm dressed like I'm 30 years old.

- You're 28. - A young 28, thank you.

Mmm! Oh, and I love this.

This is delicious to me now... What are you turning me into?

[breathy chuckle]

[gasps] There he is!

- Oh. - Tom!

- Tom! - Oh, my God.

- Shut the fuck up. - Tom, it's Kate!

[groans]

- Hey. - Hi!

[both smooch]

God, you smell nice.

Didn't know if you guys would make it.

Of course! Wouldn't miss it.

It's good to see you.

- And to you. - [clears throat]

- Sorry. - Kate, Jessie, this is Sophie.

Hi. Lovely to meet you.

You're in the film.

Someone's done their research.

Thank you, yeah.

- How are you? - I'm good, yeah, yeah.

Can I just say I love your hair?

Aww. Thank you so much.

- It's so fluffy. - I just wanna touch it.

- [laughs] - But then I'd have to kill you.

[laughter]

- You're so funny. - Are you part of Tom's team?

- Oh, no. - Oh, no, no, no.

- I wish. - We are Tom's parole officers.

Um, she's joking.

- He would say that. - [laughs]

Sorry, I might just need to get you two to go in now

- if that's okay. - Of course. Exciting.

- Yeah. - We better be off.

- See you after. - Absolutely.

- Nice to meet you both. - Yeah, you too.

Mm. [Clears throat]

Yeah, they're definitely fucking.

- Yeah, just a bit. - Mm-hmm.

[dramatic music plays]

You know I can't make that jump!

- Lexi, look at me. - You got this.

I'm gonna count to three.

One, two, three!

[both grunt]

[gunshots ringing]

Oh, my God. I did it.

♪ ♪

Actors are always

touchy-feely, though, aren't they?

- What? - They're always, you know,

hugging and being over the top.

Shh!

When an actor greets another actor,

it's as if one of them's been cleared of cancer.

Could you shut up?

[creature growls]

I guess the gods must be crazy.

Have you forgotten something?

We are the gods.

[both laugh]

[glass shatters]

[grunts]

Artie, to your left!

What are you doing?

What? You're distracting me.

Not so fast!

- This film is not good. - Oh, stop it.

♪ ♪

- You take him back. - I'll lead the others...

- What are you looking at? - [sighs]

Nothing.

Apart from this terrible bit of filmmaking.

[laughs]

Just go!

We look so fit, though.

[ground rumbles on screen]

Wow.

That's bad.

♪ ♪

[sword slashes]

♪ ♪

[soft suspenseful music playing]

You just don't get it, do you?

- Lexi. - It's too late.

I'm not leaving you behind.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

But it's almost finished!

If we don't get the key to Olympus,

this city will be underwater in the next 24 hours.

You know what you have to do.

[sighs]

Oh, mate, you've gotta get that key.

[exciting music playing faintly]

♪ ♪

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Going to hell. You're going to hell.

Oh, sorry! Oh.

[exhales]

Hello. [Laughs]

Hi.

You shouldn't really be in here.

Neither should you.

I was actually just coming in to check that

no one was in here that shouldn't be here, so...

- This film sucks. - None of it makes sense.

Why would you need a key to get into Olympus?

It's a mountain.

Creative license.

You should just leave if you're not having fun.

Like, you're a... you're a star.

That's what stars do, right?

I've got to go to the stupid after-party later.

Right.

Well, maybe just go for a walk, or, you know,

get some steam off.

- I might go to my hotel room. - Great.

- Chill out. - Mm-hmm.

- End it all. - That sounds great.

Let's do that. Yeah?

- Fine. - Come on.

So do people just give you free shit all the time?

- Yeah, I guess. - Oh, my gosh.

That... okay. Keeps going.

[gasps] What?

- Can I have one of these? - Sure.

Oh, my gosh. So good.

[sighs]

I can't go back down there. That was awful.

- Wasn't awful. - Wasn't great.

- Wasn't great. - I knew it, you hated it.

Surely you must be used to this.

You've been in so many movies that are like...

You were about to say "terrible."

- No. - Yes, you were.

No, no, no. No.

You don't know what I was gonna say.

- You don't know. - [sighs]

Oh, God.

[sighs]

Am I a bad actor?

No. No.

Good actors can be in bad movies sometimes.

Yeah, well, I can't recover from this.

This is the end of my career.

Well, at least you're taking it incredibly well.

I'll have to work at the supermarket.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.

I love the supermarket.

Very interesting seeing this side of you.

What side?

Your little bitch side.

- You think I'm pathetic. - Yeah.

But thankfully, that's one of my biggest turn-ons.

[both laugh]

Shut up.

- I'm not kidding. - I... I love them.

I wish there were pathetic men calendars

instead of sexy firemen ones.

Like, February's just a man who's been made redundant,

and September's a single dad

who can't talk to his daughter about periods, or, you know.

Mm-hmm.

So you're saying this turns you on?

No.

I don't find it attractive because you're not pathetic.

You're a movie star.

Get over it, 'cause it's fun.

You get sent free macarons.

I hate macarons.

Come on.

[laughs]

Turn that frown upside down.

- Come on. - [sighs]

Okay, fine.

[laughs softly]

[pants]

- Is this okay? - Yeah.

Thank you

for asking. It's great.

- Okay, good. - Mm-hmm.

Mm, I... mm, I hate to do this, but I need to pee.

Um, yeah.

I... really, I do need to pee.

- Yeah. - Oh, okay.

- Um, I will... - Can you just wait?

You wait there just... Just one second.

- And you just wait here. - I'll just wait here.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah. Uh-huh.

[mouthing words]

[whispering] Come on, come on!

Focus up, focus up. Okay.

[exhales] Yeah.

[exhales]

Okay.

You're doing this. Okay? [door opens, closes distantly]

You're doing it. It's happening.

- Well, well, well. - Thought you'd be here.

[both moan]

I just came up to change.

- Well, I can do that for you. - Oh, ooh...

Uh... oh.

- Oh, ooh! - [grunts]

- [laughs] - I...

We should probably head back down there.

No way. I've done my time.

They're all little weirdos down there.

I had to shake their little clammy hands.

- Well, I'm going. - Well, I'm staying.

I'll be waiting for you when you get back, though.

Lover.

Okay, well, uh...

I guess we're staying here, then, Sophie.

Okay.

[panting nervously]

I'm just gonna pee. [clears throat]

- [both whispering] - What's going on?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm so sorry.

What are you doing? What...

- You can't leave me in here! - It won't be long, I promise.

Just give me five minutes. Five minutes.

- I... - I'm getting room service.

- [scoffs] - What do you want?

- [loudly] Cheeseburger! - What are you doing?

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry! - Five minutes.

- No, no, no. - Please, please.

- No, no, no. - Trust me, okay?

- Fuck you. - Five minutes, five minutes.

[sighs]

[jazzy piano music]

[scoffs]

♪ ♪

[snoring softly]

Sophie?

♪ ♪

- [gasps, grunts] - Shh, shh.

[mouthing words]

[sighs]

Jessie. Jessie.

I don't know what to say.

- I'm so sorry. - It's fine, it's fine.

I didn't know she was coming up to the room.

Yeah, you must have had an inkling though, right?

- I mean... - No, hey.

- It's not a thing with Sophie. - Right, yeah.

Definitely sounded like a thing, I'm gonna say.

And also, I feel like you wouldn't have locked me

in your bathroom for three fucking hours

- if it wasn't a thing. - It wasn't technically locked.

- Oh, you're gonna go there? - Is that your final answer?

Okay, that was a stupid thing to say.

Look, I understand why you're upset.

Oh, thank you.

But you're the one who wanted to come up.

- Excuse me? - You kissed me.

As a joke, obvious...

Also, you didn't stop me from doing that.

You definitely didn't tell me

- you were seeing someone. - You're seeing Dan.

- Joe told me you're seeing Dan. - I'm not seeing Dan.

And I don't know when you're talking to Joe about...

Why would you kiss me as a joke?

- Because it is. - It's a joke, obvi...

This whole thing is fucked.

You must know what I'm talking about.

- Tell me. - Well, when people see

us together, it's fucking ridiculous, okay?

It's like one of those weird animal friendship shows

where you see a Labrador and a hedgehog who are friends,

and everyone's like, "Oh, that's not right,

that's weird, but okay, if it works for them, great."

Yeah, people don't think that.

Obviously you would say that.

- You're the fucking Labrador! - I'm not...

You are genuinely the most stressful person I've ever met.

I've no idea why you do anything, ever.

Me neither, to be honest.

I have no idea why I came here tonight.

I feel... I feel so embarrassed.

- Fuck! - [exhales sharply]

I just...

I like you.

And you make it really fucking difficult to say it.

You don't. You don't.

I know it feels cool to say that you do, but you don't.

Yeah, none of this feels cool.

- So you know what? - I don't wanna mess things up

between you and Sophie because... oh, my God.

The chemistry between you two in that piece of shit film

I just had to sit through... Off the charts.

Like, wow, you guys are made for each other.

You are both attractive, horrible people.

You're pathetic.

[laughs] You're an actor.

What does that mean?

It means you're boring,

and I can't make you interesting.

- Fuck you. - Good night.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[electronic voice speaks indistinctly]

♪ ♪

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