Original subtitles

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[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

[ Announcer ] It's been a long, hard climb to the top.

30,000 spectators have jammed into the Las Vegas Arena...

to see the champion, Harry Agensky, the Polish Prince,

defend his title.

He came to this country in 1927 at the age of 11,

and he's been fighting ever since. [ Bell Dings ]

But tonight, he's in for the fight of his life.

Nobody has taken more punishment.

Nobody has overcome more adversity.

From the depths of poverty to champion of the world.

This really is the American dream.

[ Cheering Fades ]

[ Boy ] I hope Grandpa's in good enough shape to go to Banff.

[ Man ] Are you kidding ? He could be comatose.

Even if he was in a coma, he'd figure out some way to come on this trip.

[ Boy Chuckles ]

You got a light or something ? Yeah, right there.

Hey ! Where'd you get that ? Cigarette fairy, man.

What the hell ? I hope you're proud of yourself !

I've never seen you with one of those !

Mom's boyfriend lets me smoke, Dad. Sam ? Sam's a pothead.

Ex-pothead.

His parole officer has him speaking at high schools now.

I'm sure he's a great role model.

Mom says he's twice the man you ever were. [ Scoffs ]

Now, if you've got something on your mind, come out with it and say it.

Fine. Fine. I'm not moving in with you after Mom's wedding, okay ?

There.

It's up to you.

You're right, it's up to me.

It's up to you.

Aunt Roseanne ! Uncle Moses !

[ Moses ] Hey, there he is ! Hey !

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man, this is phat !

Michael, you made it. Yeah.

Hey, man. Hey !

Boy, look at this kid. How'd you get so big ? What ?

I had nothin' better to do, man. I know who you wanna see.

Hello, Lance. Nice to see ya !

Huh-uh, no need to be sarcastic.

Well, it's nice to see you too. Yeah.

So, shithead. Hey !

Now it's time for some tongue stretching. ** [ Instrumental ]

Open your mouth as wide as you comfortably can...

and stick your tongue straight out,

keeping it very still, to the count of four.

Then bring it back in and let it rest.

We'll do eight of this exercise.

** [ Continues ]

So far you're doing just fine.

Grandpa ?

Hey ! [ Chuckling ]

[ Speaking Polish, Slurred ] [ Polish ]

Ah !

Keep studying your Polish. Okay.

Bev, this is Mikey.

She's cute. Mind if I have her number ? Hey. Lay off my gal.

Yes, sir.

Bev, I've got company.

** [ Ends ] See you later.

Grandpa, are you okay ?

You know, Mikey, a stroke is God's way...

of trying to make me shut up.

But it didn't work. [ Chuckling ]

Does it hurt ?

Frustrated.

See, my thoughts are out there,

but my words are crawling behind.

But Bev helps me.

"A," "B," "C," "D,"

"E," "F," "G," "H," "I," "J"--

Grandpa, what is this ? "The skunk sat on a stump.

The skunk thump the-- thunk the stump stunk" ? Tongue twisters.

- Just exercises. - But you're gonna be okay, right ?

You know, Mikey, the older I get,

the better it was.

Hmm. Hah ! [ Chuckling ]

[ People Shouting ]

I know why you're really here, Lance.

It won't work. What are you talking about ?

You wanna make peace with Pa and by some miracle get him to say he loves you.

You talk like we're gonna elope or something.

Pa showed it to me in your Father's Day column.

Hey, I never sent that here. [ TV Continues ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Slurring Continues ] I wore that robe for my title fight.

Are you sure I can have it ?

- Well, on one condition. - Oh, yeah ? What's that ?

Never become a boxer.

[ Chuckles ]

Grandpa, did you ever think that maybe you got your stroke from boxing ?

[ Crowd Cheering ]

After all these years ?

Maybe. Maybe.

Oh !

What's the worst he's done ? There's a lot to choose from, I'll tell ya.

Last week at the Cooper's he got drunk, started singing, yelling.

He was babbling a whole bunch of nonsense. No one knew what the hell he was talking about.

I had to drag our father out of the room, Lance.

That's because you let him mix alcohol with his medication.

You never, never let him do that !

You're an asshole, you know that ?

[ Harry ] Oh, that was a long time ago.

A hundred years ago.

He was tough. [ Laughing ]

Oh, man. Yeah.

Yes, I remember.

[ Michael Chuckles ] Oh.

Can you read English ?

[ Together ] "World Champion."

Yeah. Harry Agensky.

Who's this guy ?

Duff the Muff Coogan.

Big time Reno gangster.

He wanted me to drop a fight and pay me in diamonds.

Diamonds ? Yeah.

Thirteen big ones that he stole.

So what happened ? I dropped the fight.

So you got the diamonds ? Well, [ Chuckles ]

Ellie wouldn't let me keep them.

I always see her that way.

So you just gave the diamonds back ?

Well, not exactly.

We buried the diamonds in the kitchen wall of his house...

so I could get them whenever I wanted.

So why don't you go get 'em ? [ Sighs ]

I forgot the address.

Somewhere in Reno.

But I will find the address,

and I will get these magic diamonds.

Magic diamonds ? You'll see.

I need the diamonds.

I'm not going to end up in an old man's home,

eating soft food. [ Scoffs ]

Let's go.

- [ Lance ] What's Pa wanna do ? - [ Scoffs ]

Pa wants to rent the Althorn Ranch and hire a companion to take care of him.

- That sounds nice. - Yeah, well, the ranch is what ?

Four grand a month ? And a good companion costs another two.

Where does he think he's gonna get the money to pay for it ?

Magic diamonds.

[ Groans ] I thought he was over that.

No. See, he's never over anything, Lance.

He just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

Hi, Pop.

[ Bird Calling ]

[ Michael ] Why are Moses and Roseanne so hard on Grandpa ?

Oh, it's not that. They love him.

It's just that it's been hard for them.

Dad, I was thinking.

What do you say instead of going to Banff, the three of us go to Reno ?

He told you the diamond story ?

Yeah.

Michael, when your grandma died, Pa was under a lot of stress.

He started with this wild story of Duff the Muff...

and stolen diamonds and a fixed fight.

How many dreams could he possibly have left ? The least we could do is try.

Michael, he's an old man !

Who I'll probably never see again.

You said we were gonna have an adventure. Well, I got news for you.

Moses and Roseanne don't think he's well enough to go to Banff.

All he wants him doing is going out for walks around the house.

Wait. What are you saying ?

I'm saying we could go to Banff ourselves or stay here and hang with Pa.

Grandpa says they can go to hell.

What do you wanna do ? Kidnap him ? Yeah, before sunrise.

He says we could be up, over the border before they even wake up.

He even knows a crossing no one knows, man. Come on !

Look, I'm gonna go talk to Pa.

Let's get a couple hours sleep, then the three of us are out of here.

What about Moses and Roseanne ?

Screw 'em.

[ Snoring ]

So what do we do now ? Just wake him up ?

[ Whispering ] See if he packed his bag. I'll get his medicine.

[ Groaning ]

- Moses ! - [ Continues Whispering ] Lance, Pa.

It's Lance, your other son. Lance.

Whatever your name is. Lance.

His mother gave him that name. [ Sighs ]

I don't want to forget Bev.

Hmm.

Is he gonna be okay ? Christ, I hope so.

What are you staring at ? Let's go.

[ Whispering Continues ] Pa, be quiet !

- Pa, it's nice to have you with us. - Why ?

Well, because I want you and Mikey to...

kinda get to know each other a little better.

- Before I die ? - I didn't say that.

Mikey, never get old.

Just disappear.

[ Changing Radio Stations ]

** [ Rock Beat ] * I'm looking for somebody like me *

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

** [ Continues ]

Hey, that biker just flipped me off.

Pa, what's going on here ? Did you do that ?

[ Lance ] All right, Pa. Here's the border. Just let me do the talking.

[ Officer ] Name, place of birth, citizenship, purpose of trip.

- Hi, how're you doin' ? - Please, just answer the questions.

Sorry, I-I didn't mean-- I'm just being friendly.

Uh, I'm Lance Agensky. I was born in Vancouver. I'm a naturalized American.

I'm taking a short vacation with my son and my dad to Reno.

Born in Poland.

Polish. [ Polish ]

- Huh ? - What did you say ?

There's a girl named Bev stuffed in the trunk.

Mr. Agensky. [ Together ] Yeah ?

Do you have any illegal narcotics...

on your person or in your vehicle ?

Yeah. Uh, no. No. No.

This is not a joke. Do you have a criminal record of any kind ? And don't lie.

I checked the computer. [ Together ] No.

Okay. Your turn, old man.

Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party ?

No, no. No. [ Chuckles ] No.

All right. Good news, gentlemen. You're all clear.

I don't think this man should be traveling if he's so sick.

I'm just old. Is that a crime ?

Do you want to arrest me because I'm old ?

I mean, when my pappy lost it, we couldn't take him anywhere.

If I were you-- You're not him !

You have something to say, say it to me !

Pa, calm down, now. He means no harm, all right ?

What type of medication is he on ?

I ought to smash your head. Lance, hit him !

Pa, I think we'd just better be going, all right ?

I forgot. My son won't hit you.

He's a writer.

Jeez. [ Muttering ]

Thank you for your understanding.

[ Muttering Continues ]

[ Car Door Closes, Engine Starts ]

[ Lance ] Thank you. Bye-bye.

Nice, Pa. Very nice. You almost got us deported.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Cheering Intensifies ]

[ Cheering Fades ] [ Lance ] I'm bringing him back !

First he tells the customs officer he's got Bev stuffed in the trunk.

- [ Moses ] Sounds like you've got a problem. - Hey, Michael !

- Michael, no ! - Problems, Lance ? I wonder why.

I'm glad I made your day.

Michael ! Hey ! Are you crazy ?

Hey ! Excuse me.

What are you doing ? It's my first cigarette in two days !

I'll tell you when you get a cigarette. When ?

With the blindfold, just before I shoot you.

[ Scoffs ] Guess what.

What ? [ Sighs ]

Moses and Roseanne are going to Seattle for a couple of days...

while they have their house fumigated.

[ Michael ] So you think it was a mistake bringing him with us ?

God, I hate it when Moses is right. [ Sighs ]

It'll take two days for their house to clear of pesticides.

Remember, we only have ourselves to blame for this little scheme,

so I guess we just have to keep sucking it up for his sake, huh ?

Yeah, I'm game.

All right, now, Pa.

One more ridiculous stunt,

and I will turn this car around and head back across the border so fast...

it will make your head spin.

Lance.

You look nervous. I'll drive.

[ Laughs ] Right on, Grandpa !

You shouldn't have taken my cigarette.

Just shut up and get your little ass in the car.

[ Engine Starts ]

Hey ! What are you doing ?

Whoo-hoo !

Oh, yeah !

Okay, the road is to your left, Grandpa.

Not so fast.

You wanna get there, don't you ?

- Right on, Grandpa ! - [ Laughs ]

[ Lance ] I don't think you should be driving.

I've been driving for 65 years. Wanna see my license ?

- [ Lance ] Watch out ! - [ All Screaming, Shouting ] - [ Truck Horn Blaring ]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[ Coughing ]

Goddamn road hogs.

All right. You drive.

[ Clattering ]

[ Clattering Continues ]

[ Harry ] I'm sorry, but I have to try it again.

[ Lance ] We stop every half hour, wait 20 minutes, and nothing happens.

But I have to try to go. Dad, he's got to go.

[ Bell Dings ] [ Grunting ]

Evening. Hello.

I need a double room with a cot, please. And a VCR.

No VCR.

Uh, would you have a strong laxative ?

The nearest drugstore is Dave's Drug and Gun Emporium down the street.

If you hurry, it's still open.

Dave's Drug and Gun ? Mm-hmm.

Mikey, you take over. What ?

You a reporter ?

Oh ! Um--

Yeah, I'm a sports editor for The San Jose Mercury.

- Really ? I used to be-- - An asshole.

Tarzan LeCompte.

You tried to take my title away, but I whupped you.

No ! [ Wheel Clattering ]

You ? It can't be !

I heard you were dead. Made my day.

I'm going to straighten that nose of yours.

You stupid frog, what the hell are you doing here ?

[ Shouts, Chuckles ] [ Mutters ]

Tarzan, remember Duff the Muff ? Sure, who doesn't ?

The Muff was a real guy ? That's a stupid question.

Will you give me his address ? Sure.

Thanks. But no rematch.

I'd whip your behind.

You weren't good enough to be bum of the month. What ?

I was beating you bloody. If it wasn't for that lucky punch,

you'd be begging me for a rematch.

I knocked you out. Elvis was there at ringside when you hit the deck.

Guys. Guys, about the room, huh ? I--

Follow me, kid.

** [ "Are You Lonesome Tonight" On Speaker ] [ Gasps ]

Music in every room.

Oh, man.

[ Chuckles ]

Yo. Yo, Elvis was the King.

I got all his tapes.

Enjoy.

And, Polack, forget the tip.

- * Are you sorry we drifted apart * - Are you all right ?

This was Ellie's favorite song.

** [ Turns Music Off ]

Why ? Why ?

- Grandpa-- - Why did she have to die ?

Why didn't you die ?

You !

Grandpa.

Grandpa, it's gonna be okay. [ Sobbing ]

It's fine. It's just fine.

Everything's gonna be okay. [ Sobbing Continues ]

We're gonna be okay. [ Door Opens ]

Oh, my God. What happened ?

It's just a mirror and a vase. This is my Elvis room !

I'll-- I'll pay for the damage.

I don't want your money. I want blood.

Want blood ?

Oh, no. Pa, no. Pa !

I'll give you blood. You're getting old, Harry.

You couldn't hit the side of a barn.

[ Scoffs ] Look at you.

Oh, look at you, Harry. You look like an old basset. You can't even talk.

Oh ! [ Groaning ]

- Now you got blood. - [ Groaning Continues ]

I'll pay for the damages, sir.

Just go on and get out of here.

Go on ! And about that address--

No ! From that ape, I won't take it.

Grandpa, it's kind of important. If it's from him, I won't go.

432 Bear Cat Drive.

[ Chuckling ]

What a sucker.

Let's get out of here.

We're going to be rich !

[ Sighs ] [ Door Closes ]

[ Michael ] Okay, okay. This is 431, 430, 432.

[ Glass Clinking ] This is it.

- [ Harry Snoring ] - [ Dog Barking ]

Mmm.

[ Groans ]

Well, they aren't there.

[ Sighs ]

Grandpa, what's up with those shades ?

I don't want people to recognize me.

I had a big title fight in Vegas.

A thousand years ago. And, Pa, this is Reno.

Used to be all desert. Incredible. No, Grandpa, this is Reno.

In my day, Vegas was a neon whorehouse.

This here looks like a farm.

Hey, read my lips. R-E-N-O. "Ree-no."

I'm not an idiot.

I know this is R-E-N-O. Reno !

Now, drive, or I'll take the wheel.

Pa, I don't know how to tell you this, but the house--

I know. I know !

I was awake all the time.

Now we have to track down the Muff.

Why ? He has the diamonds.

Look, I've got a better idea.

Why don't we go to one of these wonderful casinos and have some fun ?

No. No. No. Yeah, we could play poker, the slots.

Get something to eat. Get a room. We can kick it.

Shower, shave. Think of it, Pa. No. No.

Your own toilet.

Okay.

Pa, can we get going ? Come on ! Peter Piper picked...

If we're gonna go, let's go. I'm hungry. a peck of pickled peppers.

How many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick ?

Pa, the day's not getting any longer. It's already 4:30.

The skunk sat on a stump.

** [ Jazz ] [ People Chattering ]

[ Woman ] Whoo !

[ All Cheering ]

I'm out.

I'm out.

How'd he get the name "The Muff" ? Was short for "muffins."

Oh, yeah. Uh, Coogan. The Muff. Sure. Yes.

It must have been 15 years ago. That's right.

The guy tips me five bucks; ten minutes later he's dead.

Dead ? They counted 32 bullet holes.

Thirty-two holes ? Yeah.

Who did it ? If I knew, do you think I'd tell you ?

Ask his son.

** [ Continues ] I see your 50. I raise you 50.

And I raise you 50, sir.

Show me.

Straight flush.

Diamonds.

I know it hurts.

Thank you, sir.

A pleasure, gentlemen.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa, you've got to let me just do one quarter, please.

If the guard sees us, we'll both end up in jail.

All right. [ Blows ]

- ** [ Computerized ] - Oh, yeah ! [ Laughing ]

Oh, Grandpa, look at all this money ! [ Chuckling ]

Look at all this money. Thanks. [ Sparse Applause ]

Whoo !

So let's go spend some moola !

I'm up for a two-pound lobster dinner.

I'd like a CD player. And how about something for Pa ?

The most expensive fedora we can find. Fedora !

You always looked good in a hat. Ellie never liked me in a hat.

Oh, Pa. Pa, the room's this way.

Pa !

Well, let's, uh, get some air.

[ Woman ] Like, what is life all about ?

[ Man ] I know. I know.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Harry ] Ellie ?

* Are you lonesome tonight

Remember ?

* Do you miss me tonight

Oh, how I miss you, Ellie.

* Are you sorry we drifted apart *

* Does your memory stray

* To that bright summer's day

Not bad, huh ?

* When I kissed you and called you sweetheart **

- [ Man Grunting ] - Hey ! - Hey, what are you doing ?

- No one move or he's dead ! - Okay !

- I want your money ! - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Let's go ! Now ! - There. Take it.

- Now move back ! - Michael, no ! Forget it !

Michael, come back ! Come back ! It's not worth it !

[ Both Grunting ]

Dad ! Dad ! Dad !

[ Shouts, Groans ]

Oh, my hand ! My hand ! He sliced me, the son of a bitch !

- [ Groaning ] - [ Lance ] Pa ! Pa !

Don't fuck around with the Polish Prince !

- Give me that. - [ Harry ] Come on.

He got his. [ Muttering ] He sliced my hand.

That guy must be crazy. Did you see what I did to him ? It hurts.

I could have killed him. Mikey, are you okay ?

[ Woman ] Hotel operator. Can I help you ?

Information. Do you have a listing for Damon Coogan ?

Hey, guess what. They sell The Mercury News across the street.

My lucky day.

Pa, it's time to take your pills now, all right ? Yeah.

Moses ? Lance. Remember ? I'm your other son.

Whatever the hell your name is.

I read your Father's Day column.

Well, that was six months ago. I'm not made that way.

Pa, I wasn't writing specifically about you. I was generalizing.

I never beat you, and I was proud of that.

Great.

You know, you could never catch a ball.

Moses understood me. [ Chuckles ]

He even tried to learn Polish.

And I got mislaid in the shuffle. I know.

Why do you say that ?

Your mother understood you.

Did it ever occur to you that I might have needed you ?

Listen, Moses-- uh, Lance.

Why don't you spend ten grand on a shrink ? I'll give you the money.

He'll tell you that it was all your father's fault.

- I already did that. - And that's what he said, no ?

And not to make the same mistake with my son.

And you did, didn't you ?

Look, all I ever wanted from you was just that you believe in me a little.

My little projects or whatever.

Just, you know, that you gave me a little respect.

Respect ? Why ?

Why ? Why ? I'm your son, goddamn it !

- You gave Moses everything ! - I never gave Moses any more respect.

Look, at this point, I don't care.

Well, I care !

My father beat the hell out of me.

And he never gave me a pat on the back,

even when I won the championship.

Just because your father never gave you a pat on the back,

that gives you the right to kick my ass ?

I never kicked you in the ass ! Look at me.

Am I a monster ?

Maybe I can't talk, but I can read.

I can read. Father's Day.

[ Sighs ] Look, why don't you just admit you weren't there when I needed you ?

Where was I ? In the saloon getting drunk ?

No ! I was making a living !

I was training, running, hitting the bag,

boxing, sparring, fighting,

getting my brains knocked out !

And for what ? For you.

For Moses. For Ellie !

For my family !

[ Lamp Breaks ] [ Lance ] Pa !

I tried.

Goddamn it, I tried. I tried it the best I could.

[ Sobbing ] I tried. I tried.

I always tried my best.

[ Mumbling Unintelligibly ]

[ Lance ] Pa, I'm sorry.

I love you, Pa.

Are you proud of yourself ? It's between him and me.

You know the difference between you and Sam is ? Sam's a man and you're a wuss.

What ? I should never have come on this trip.

Wait a minute. Y-You wanted to come.

This was supposed to be our special time together.

No, Mom wanted to be alone with Sam.

She said I had a choice between you and Auntie Elba.

Oh, great. I beat out a 90-year-old Nazi.

Look, I need a smoke and a beer, all right ? What ?

Hey, Michael, come back here. Hey !

- Where are you going ? - Just back off, all right ?

Michael !

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

Michael ! Where have you been ?

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I've been right here. "Right here."

What's the legal drinking age in Nevada now ?

Is it still 21 ? Or is it 18 or 12 ?

Actually, in Nevada, you can drink soda at any age.

I'm sorry. I--

Can I join ya ?

It'll cost ya.

All right, I--

I'm listening.

You have to tell me what your biggest regret in life is.

All right. I'll tell you my one big regret.

I never had a relationship with my father.

- Is that your fault ? - I don't know.

Oh, come on. You know it's always the dad's fault, right ?

And I think I'm creating the same dynamic with you.

Is that your fault ?

Well, I heard an expert once say it's always the dad's fault.

Really ? Well, that expert must have been a pretty smart guy.

His father was pretty smart. Really ? Cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Hmm.

That's pushing it.

Do you speak English ? [ Woman ] I am. What Coogan ?

I'll take a-any Coogan you got.

We don't have any, sir. Oh.

Well, how about unlisted ? Unlisted ?

Yeah. The-- I can't do that.

Oh. Give me a little hint. Sir.

Hey, how about if I offer to pay you money ?

Are you drunk ? I'm not drunk !

Good-bye. [ Dial Tone ] I-- Hello ? Hello ?

So, when was the first time you got stoned ?

What makes you think I ever got stoned ? [ Chuckles ]

Because you're not a total loser.

Oh, that's how it works, huh ? You're hip, so you get stoned.

Look, you don't want to answer, fine. Forget it.

Her name was Gissa.

I was 21, dating a 39-year-old woman.

[ Laughs ] Damn !

She was gorgeous. I mean--

She puts these headphones on me, rolls me up a jay.

What music did she play ?

Neil Diamond.

I didn't think you had it in ya.

Don't ever tell Grandpa, huh ? Aw. [ Chuckles ]

** [ Instrumental ]

This time we'll make our lips smile and then pucker.

Bring your lips up into a big smile with your teeth closed.

The happy face pucker will look like this.

Let's go, Bev. Five, six, seven, eight.

** [ Resumes ] [ Grunting ]

** [ Continues ] [ Door Unlocks ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Both Grunting ]

Now that our lips are getting limber, we'll do some lip smacks.

I got you. And you pay for dinner. [ Chuckling ]

And I'm hungry ! [ Muttering ] No, I-- Get up !

Harry, your fly's open.

Nothing will fly out.

Mmm. Another vodka.

Uh, double.

That should make you happy. Oh, you'd better believe it.

Pa, if there was one thing that you could do, what would that one thing be ?

Get laid.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, yeah ! You the man !

What did you say ? Listen, I'm serious.

I haven't had sex in eight years !

- Pa, please. - I'm a man, goddamn it !

Before I go, I wanna have a woman.

He's not been well. He's had a stroke.

Oh, who gives a damn about itsy-bitsy stroke ? [ Man ] Sit down,

Just sit down, will you ? you old drunk !

You're a bunch of pussies.

- [ People Gasping ] - Pussies !

P-U-S-S-- S-- How are my S's ?

- Perfect. - Perfect ? Very good.

I'm not buying a prostitute for you.

I hear that college girls...

are really into old men with slurred speech.

- Kind of kinky. - Yeah.

But who am I to complain ?

[ Laughing Continues ]

All right. I'll find a place and drop you off.

When was the last time you had sex ?

Pa, not in front of my son, all right ? Oh, come on !

He hasn't gotten any since him and Mom separated.

And I bet you're a virgin.

Oh, please ! I am not a virgin.

- I'm not. - A toast.

To my last love,

to Mikey's first...

and to Lance's... whatever.

- I think not. - Why not ?

I'm not gonna be a party to you learning about women being bought and sold as commodities.

- They are not cattle. - You need sex more than I do.

And Mikey has to start sometime.

[ Sighs ] If your mother ever found out we were even talking about this,

I would lose visitation rights for eternity.

I'd-- I'd be willing to risk that.

Gentlemen, two Cokes.

There you go. And... a... double.

Uh,

"June," where is the best chicken ranch in town ?

- Pa, come on ! - I beg your pardon ?

Oh. Uh--

[ Chuckles ] I know just the place.

The girls are the best. Thank you.

My pleasure.

[ Chuckles ]

Read it.

"State of Nirvana. Sister Sin-Dee and Girls Incorporated.

"Five miles east on Logger's Road off High Point's Pass.

- Ten percent off with this card." - I'm ready !

Ahh ! Like Red Hot Henry Brown.

[ Michael ] Who's he ? The hottest man in town.

All right. Okay, that's it on the alcohol. ** [ Singing ]

He's cut off. That's it.

Ooh ! ** [ Continues ]

Dad, there's a lot of cultures in the world... Mm-hmm.

where fathers take their sons to the local madam to lose their virginity.

It can be a very powerful bonding experience. Fine.

You know what I'm saying ? No.

What made this country great ? Democracy.

Uh, your point being ? Let's have a vote.

Oh ! That sounds totally fair, yeah.

You know I'm gonna be outvoted. You can't be sure.

[ Scoffs ] What ? You're not gonna vote yes ?

I wanna vote yes, but I'll vote no out of respect for you.

Oh. I was born yesterday.

Look, just give me the respect of a vote, okay ?

I'll give you the respect of a no. I don't think women are cattle either.

Just trust me, okay ?

Lance, if you don't trust your own son--

Right. Okay. Good. I'll trust you.

Because if you don't have trust, I mean, you have nothing, right ?

Okay. Go, Congressman. It's your vote.

I vote yes, I go. We have nothing.

I wanted to vote no, okay ? My testosterone just took over.

It's not my fault I was born a male, okay ?

It's your turn, Grandpa.

Mikey, I told him to trust you.

I have to trust my son.

I vote no. Thank you.

Shit ! Take it like a man.

No, I don't have to take it like anything, Grandpa.

Now I see why you drove my dad nuts, huh ?

Wait a minute. There's one more vote.

Oh, right. Lance. Sorry we forgot you.

Go ahead. Vote away. You already know my vote.

That's not how a democracy works. Oh, right. Right.

It works on lies ? Just vote, okay ?

All right.

Yes. I knew you-- What ? Yes, what ?

Yes, I'm going to hell in a handcart. [ Chuckling ]

Yes, I'm going to the penitentiary at the hand of your mother.

And yes, you're about to have an experience...

that I will probably lament for the rest of my life.

Yes ? Yeah ! Whoo-hoo !

Yeah ! Whoo-hoo !

Whoo-hoo !

All right !

[ Animal Howling ]

You look cool, Grandpa. Cool ?

Hey, I'm cold.

Don't you ever put the top up ?

Pa, you know it's broken.

You know, I hate to mention it at this point,

but what if they say Michael's too young ?

No prob. I got a California I.D. that says I'm 21.

Does every 18-year old have a fake I.D. ?

You did. Hey, come on. You were 18 once.

Can't you remember that far back ?

I was only 18 for about a year.

I feel 15 or maybe 16.

Well, ring the bell.

Right.

[ Bell Rings ]

Hi. Hi. Hello.

Hello. Come on in.

Thank you.

Oh, wow. This is a nice place.

Thank you. My name is Sin-Dee.

Miss Sin-Dee. Mm-hmm.

What's yours ?

I'm Michael. Lance.

Does Harry the Polish Prince ring a bell ?

Oh, now, let me think. You're the Prince of Poland.

[ Chuckles ] Very funny.

I was a welterweight boxing champion of the world.

Ooh, very impressive.

[ Michael ] He was the best. [ Chuckles ]

How old are you ?

I'm 24. Twenty-one.

- Whose idea was it to bring you here ? - He has a California I.D.

I don't really have an I.D.

I was just saying that. You have an I.D. card.

- Remember ? - Pa. - What ?

In your pocket.

The alley. Oh.

Ohh ! Yeah.

Oh. Your name is Benjamin Franklin ?

Uh, his friends call him Benjie.

Benjie, here's your hundred.

I'm sure your father will take care of your bill very generously.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a big tipper.

I'm glad to hear that. Ah, father, son. Father, son.

- A family project. - One for all and all for one.

Ah, lovely.

Well, since you're here, I'll let it go this time.

This really, really means a lot to me. Thank you, Miss Sin-Dee.

Mm-hmm. Follow me.

[ Mutters ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Girls ?

- Guys, you all right ? - Couldn't be better.

Uh, Mikey, you choose first.

[ Sighs ]

Um, well, first off, ladies, I--

I want you all to know that I have great respect...

for you all as women.

I-I do. And in no way do I think of you as objects,

but more as pieces of art.

Um, you know, you're beautiful and feminine and--

hi-- real flesh and bone.

Um, I also support equal rights and equal pay for women--

Little boy, I don't care if you respect me or not.

I just want you to caress every part of my body as I grind my hips into yours.

I want to lick your ear and push my hands down your pants...

and make you cry for mercy as I take you to places so good it hurts.

- Um, I'm gonna take her. - Good.

[ Michael ] See you later, Dad.

Ahh.

[ Chuckles ]

I feel like a kid in a candy store.

First, a bottle of champagne.

Maybe two. Ooh.

Let's see.

Her, her,

the one with the big tongue.

[ Chuckles ]

Ladies, lead the way.

I live dangerously because I'm Red Hot Henry Brown,

the hottest man in town.

[ Sin-Dee Laughs ] * That red-hot mama you heard about *

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

** [ Humming ]

We're waiting.

** [ Stops Humming ] [ Women Giggle ] Come on. Come on.

Holy shit.

[ Giggles ] You can make it.

[ Woman ] Come on.

I'm coming. I'm coming. [ Woman Giggles ]

Okay, smart boy, what's it gonna be ?

'Cause I do it all.

Uh, h-how about a... shoulder rub ?

[ Stuttering ] Th-That'd be good. I've been driving.

[ Sighs Pleasurably ] Oh.

A shy one.

Okay. We'll take it really slow.

Let's go upstairs.

[ Pops ] [ Women Whooping, Laughing ]

One more drink before we start.

Men, I salute you.

Follow me.

Follow me if you please.

Uh, halt.

What a beautiful platoon.

Our mission: a trip to paradise.

- Volunteers ? - [ All Giggling ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !

Oh, ohh. [ Moans ]

Look, I'm just not into paying for sex.

So, what ? I get paid for nothing ?

Have you ever heard of self-respect for a job well done ?

Sure, sure, but-- Probably think I'm white trash, and you're not attracted to me.

Oh, now, you know you're a beautiful young woman.

I'm average. Whatever you think. That's not my point.

[ Groans ] So then you're not attracted to me ?

Look. You're being paid for it.

You know, that's what's wrong with America. Everybody wants something for nothing.

Well, not me. I won't sit at home and collect welfare.

[ Groans ] I got a job. I pay taxes.

And I have great job satisfaction. [ Moans ]

And I will not let some bourgeoisie try and stop me.

"Bourgeoisie" ? What kind of call girl are you, anyway ?

You think I'm a victim ? Ooh. [ Crying Out ]

That I got a heart of gold and that all I really want is a good man...

who doesn't drink and won't beat me ? [ Groans ]

Have you ever touched a breast as lovely as mine ?

Does bumped into count ?

Um-- Are you okay ?

Y-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, I'm fine.

[ Gasping ] Have you ever experienced...

sexual ecstasy ? [ Gasping ]

Uh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

I mean, by myself.

Put your hand in here.

Do it.

[ Gasping ]

- Do you like it ? - Yes, yes.

It-It's nice. It's really nice.

[ Moaning, Groaning ] Are you okay ?

I--

[ Gasping ] Oh, um... I'm sorry.

For what ?

I-I, um--

I-I'm finished. I'm done.

Thank you.

You know, your problem is you don't know how to have sex.

You only know how to make love.

And there's a problem with that ?

Only making love denies the animal in us,

the bestial impulse that wraps two human beings...

in a ball of flesh, tongues, and sweat.

Ah. Bestial impulse. Yeah. Should've said so before.

Look. I can't make love with a woman who won't kiss me,

and call girls aren't supposed to kiss, right ?

[ Restraint Tightening ]

But warriors devour their enemies.

Tongues and flesh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

- I don't know. - I think he got scared.

Everybody out.

I used to be a bull.

What a fool.

A ridiculous fool.

Four women. Why not ?

In my dreams, I've had dozens.

Were you married long ?

Forty-five wonderful years.

Forty-five years with one special person ?

You were lucky.

She's still here.

Well, after 45 years, I would hope so.

Would she mind your being here ?

Ellie just wanted me to be happy.

Ooh. Strong hands. Yeah.

That's how I made my living.

The Polish Prince.

Once, they were made of stone.

But now they're made of flesh and blood,

with stories that make up a full life.

And the story's over.

No. I see dreams unrealized.

I see darkness and light,

a lot of love and a little bit of fright.

You know, I think these hands...

would tell a better story.

Tell me.

Tell you what ? Your story.

Please. I want to know.

I've been asked my story a thousand times...

and told a thousand lies, whatever they wanted to hear.

Courtesan, Earth mother.

But what is the truth ?

Hmph. We each have our own.

Well, you were once a little girl.

Where did you live ?

Small town near the railroad.

Watching the trains whizzing by ?

Yes. Especially the Express.

Glimpses of waiters in white coats serving fine ladies and gentlemen.

Wondering where they were going.

I wanted to be on that train going anywhere to take me out of this town.

And then what happened ?

Along came this wonderful guy.

Took me on that train...

to all those places I'd always dreamed about.

Ohh. I loved him.

Then suddenly one day--

I never knew why-- he wasn't there.

So, I, uh-- I was alone. I had to make my way,

and finally I ended up where I am.

Don't feel sorry for me. I made my choice... my life.

Sin-Dee...

you're a fine woman.

Shall we dance ?

Ellie loved to dance. She was quite a woman.

She was. She is.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, um, I have-- I have a confession to make.

I've never had intercourse before, and--

I've only been to second base with-- with Kelly Rush.

Don't laugh. It's not funny. [ Clears Throat ]

I just lost my best chance at,

you know, losin' it.

When I was your age, life was so confusing.

My one regret is not saying "good-bye" to this boy down the street:

Tony.

I loved him.

I know he loved me.

So if you're anything like Tony,

then you have it in you to do it again, easy.

How easy ?

As easy as you want,

Tony.

That's it, honey. Just relax while I take off your clothes.

What's wrong with this thing ?

[ Moaning, Gasping ]

- Did-- Did, um-- - [ Gasps ]

You did.

Did you ?

Look, um, I don't want to talk about it, okay ?

[ Laughing ] But don't laugh, okay ? It's not funny.

- [ Exhales ] - [ Continues Laughing ]

Forget sex.

Just keep your pants on and hold me tight. Mm.

Mm.

[ Sighs ]

When did you have the stroke ?

Just after my wife died.

Ooh. Must've been hard.

Well, at the beginning I couldn't talk.

I started to say something, and I babbled like a baby,

and my-my m-mouth was-- was drooping.

Grotesque. I didn't want to see anybody.

I didn't want anybody to see me.

[ Sighs ] I just went into-- into my room,

closed the blinds, crawled into bed...

and cried and cried and cried.

Do you still cry ?

Sometimes, when the sun goes down.

But... I'm here ! [ Chuckles ]

You're a very, very brave man.

Brave ? I'm a pussycat.

[ Chuckles ] Ellie made me snap out of it.

I remember her saying, "Things can always be worse."

So I decided to work on speech therapy cassettes.

"Oral aerobics." "Oral" ?

Yes. Lip and tongue exercises, you know ?

[ Making Nasal Sounds ]

Hey, not bad.

You know, there was a three-year-old girl...

lived next door.

Kelsey. Beautiful child.

When I started to talk, I talked like her.

But I kept working. And then one day I said,

"Kelsey, say 'transcontinental.'"

She couldn't say it. I left her in the dust.

[ Both Chuckling ]

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Are you scared ?

Yes. I'm scared.

I am too.

Mm. We hide it.

[ Lance Inhaling ]

You know, when I was in junior high,

my body used to crave the touch of a woman's hand.

It was, like-- [ Exhales ] you know, a thrill to it.

It was fire. And here it is 30 years later.

I feel like that fire has been completely reignited.

Man. With you, Tiff, I feel reborn again.

My nerves are back, you know ?

[ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]

So let's do it.

[ Chuckles ]

My limit's twice in an evening. You know, I mean...

I meant, take me with you.

- [ Inhales ] You're joking. - No.

No lie ? You'd roll with me ?

[ Slowly ] Yeah.

Ohh, man.

It'd be totally ultra-rock. [ Shrieking Laughter ]

[ Snorts ] I'm sorry.

[ Squealing ]

You want a smoke ? Uh, no. No, thanks.

Where'd you learn how to do that incredible thing with your tongue ? The what ?

You know, the--

Oh, that ! Um,

it's just something I learned from my grandpa.

No, it's a video. We practice all the time.

- Very cool. - Yeah.

Sure you don't want a smoke ? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

I only smoke in front of my dad. It drives him nuts.

You would like Ellie.

The Muff met her first. He gave her a job modeling.

Duff the Muff ?

You knew him ? Well, I know his son.

- Yeah. Damon. - Yeah. He used to hire a lot of my girls.

- He owes me money. - Yeah.

I even considered putting a lien on his house. I saw the house.

It's now an empty lot.

I know that lot. Damon moved the whole house into town.

- Where ? - I have the address.

You have ? Yes. In my office.

Will you give it to me ? Of course.

Thanks.

I will meet you downstairs.

Michael ! Lance !

- Lance ? Lance ? - Pa ?

What the hell are you doing ? Get downstairs.

I've found the diamonds.

Y-Yeah, the diamonds. Yeah, the diamonds ! Right !

Diamonds ! Diamonds. Gotta blast. Oh.

Michael ? Yeah. Hang on a second, Grandpa.

Hurry downstairs. We're going diamond hunting.

[ Breathlessly ] All right.

I-I've gotta go.

Tony was a lucky guy.

You got it. Of course.

And the phone number too. How can I ever thank you ?

Turn the clock back 30 years. I'm going to do just that.

Thank you. Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Lance ] And this guy's gonna let us put a hole in his kitchen wall ?

[ Harry ] He'll do anything for money.

[ Dog Barking ]

Damon.

Get in here.

[ Pounding ]

I don't see a damn thing.

Here.

I can't believe it,

after all these years.

My old man never told me there was a box in that wall.

Maybe your father didn't trust you too much.

[ Michael Laughs ]

I fell in love with these diamonds.

It's Mom,

Mikey, your grandma.

Her name was Ellie.

She stole my heart.

She's beautiful, Grandpa.

She made me promise never to show these cards to anyone.

But I was too proud.

I married a goddess.

Ellie, you understand everything...

that I'm trying to do.

You put a hole in my wall for a goddamn deck of cards ?

What the hell is this ?

Jesus Christ.

I'm rich.

[ Michael ] What do you mean, you're rich ? We're splittin' this.

What else is in there ? [ Grunts ]

That's all there is, except for the cards.

Okay, let's cut that necklace in half so we can get going. Yeah, that sounds fair.

Sounds fair, huh ? I'll tell you what's fair.

What if I keep the necklace, and you can take the cards ? Shit.

-You can get in a lot of trouble waving that thing around. -And you can get dead.

Damon, you win.

It's a deal.

Come on.

You're a smart man.

** [ Harry Humming ]

So, Grandpa, how much do you think that Coogan guy'll get for the diamonds ?

Almost ten bucks.

Huh ? What ? No way !

It was fake ? Lance,

most of everything Muff had was fake.

[ All Laughing ] So that jerkchain back there ends up with zilcho ?

That's right. Beautiful ! Right on, Grandpa !

You the man ! I'm the man !

I'm the man. [ Together ] You the man.

* Ooh

* Ooh, ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

[ Elvis Presley Singing ] * Are you lonesome tonight

* Do you miss me tonight

* Are you sorry

* We drifted apart

* Does your memory stray

* To a bright summer day

* When I kissed you

* And called you sweetheart

* Do the chairs in your parlor *

* Seem empty and bare

* Do you gaze at your doorstep *

* And picture me there

* Is your heart filled with pain *

* Shall I come back again

* Tell me, dear

* Are you lonesome

* Tonight * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

I'm happy, very happy.

Ellie gave me her okay.

I will move to a farm and hire a companion.

I want you all to come and visit me.

Well, who's gonna be paying for all this ? Dad, we don't have the money to--

- The magic diamonds. - Harry, what are you talking about ?

Don't you speak English ?

- Huh ? - [ Michael And Lance Continue Laughing ]

Your diamonds, Dad, are nothing but a deck of cards.

They're magic. Believe me. They're magic.

Yeah.

[ Insects Chirping, Animals Hooting ]

I promised you magic, and I deliver.

Nothing up my sleeves. Now, watch carefully.

You remember this ? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Now, don't take your eyes off of it.

Here's the deck of cards.

- Magic. - Yeah.

Now, watch it. Watch it.

Don't take your eyes off of it.

Ohh.

Oh !

- Jesus. - Magic.

Read it. Hmm ?

[ Michael Reading ] "All 13 diamonds are of the highest quality...

"of cut and fire.

"Ten have a pure white brilliance.

"Three are colored yellow, pink, and champagne.

"They average five carats. Total worth:

$345,000" ?

Sixty years ago.

Now, three million.

[ Sighs ]

Mikey, for you...

and for Lance.

For Moses...

and for Roseanne.

Oh, and for the baby.

The rest,

to keep me out of that goddamn old man's home.

You're giving us over a million dollars' worth of diamonds.

- Pa, are you sure about this ? - I'm sure.

Just take good care of the little Polish Prince.

Mikey, I'm proud of you.

But I want you to learn to live each day...

as if it were the last.

And remember, whatever happens to you in life--

if you can't walk or you can't talk--

never, never give up.

What about you, Grandpa ?

Lance...

Ellie loves you very much.

Well, I'm just delivering the message.

Lance, why don't you write a book about your life ?

About your wonderful mother and your awful father ?

Lance ?

I-- I do love you.

I know you do, Pa.

Thanks.

Come here.

Mikey ? Here. Enjoy. Yeah, Grandpa ?

Grandpa, I can't take this. Bev's your girl.

She's too young for me.

Man, this is gonna be so cool at parties.

And don't forget me. I want to hear from you.

[ Lance ] Don't worry. You will.

- I'll call you from Frisco, Pop. - Where are you gonna be ?

Oh, you can find me at Lance's.

I mean, uh, my dad's.

Take care of yourself. [ Engine Starts ]

See ya, Uncle Moses ! See ya, bud.

Good-bye. Drive carefully.

[ Lance ] Michael, did I ever tell you that I love you ?

[ Michael ] Yeah, Dad, every day. Every day.

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Harry Reciting ] I want a proper cup of coffee...

made in a proper copper-coated coffeepot.

I find a teapot of no use to me.

If I can't have a proper cup of coffee...

made in a proper copper-coated coffeepot,

I'll have a cup of tea.

Not bad, but I think you need a little more lip work.

Okay.

Let's start with the happy pucker, okay ? Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight--

[ Man Singing ] * It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world

* Keeps this world keeps this world *

* Alive

* Is it just coincidence

* I know it doesn't make no sense *

* Whistling a tune with glee *

* Me, myself, and I makes three *

* It doesn't take a scientist

* To prove to me that you're the best *

* It wouldn't change the twinkle in your eyes *

* My heart would find no melody *

* I'd find myself in jeopardy *

* If you weren't in my life *

* It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world

* Keeps this world keeps this world *

* Alive

* If I only were a king

* All your fingers would have rings *

* The biggest one would spell your name *

* And a holiday would bear the same *

* I'm not a rocket scientist

* Don't fuss about with politics *

* Forever you're the apple of me eye *

* My heart beats like a timpani *

* Accompanying the symphony

* That spins our lives around *

* It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world keeps this world *

* Keeps this world keeps this world *

* Alive

* Whoa-ho *

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