Original subtitles

[ Woman Narrating ] It was a day like no other

It was a day I had always dreamed of..

a day I would never forget.

[ Ship's Hull Creaking ]

[ Man ] Will you marry this woman and take her to your heart...

forever devoted and forever young?

I will.

And will you marry this man and take him to your heart...

forever devoted and forever young?

I will.

Would you now place the ring on her finger?

- I now declare you― - [ Explosion ]

[ Bridesmaids Gasping, Screaming ]

[ Narrator ] What a shame we had uninvited guests.

[ Pirates Shouting ]

Eh! I'll have what I came for this day!

[ Bridesmaids Screaming, Whimpering ]

[ Narrator ] Jack politely asked them to leave.

Kiss steel, bastard!

[ Shouting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasps ] Jack!

[ Shouting ]

[ Pirate Exclaims ]

- [ Grunting ] - Aha!

Get her!

Jack!

Hold tight! I'm coming!

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ Narrator ] His temper flared, but he fought like a gentleman.

[ Groans ]

Jack! Jack!

Whoa!

- [ Grunts ] - [ Gasping ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh! Uh!

[ Narrator ] My one, true love had fought bravely..

but it wasn't enough.

[ All Shouting ]

[ Narrator ] There was only room for one more.

It was either my love or myself

- You take it, my love. - Never. Those maggots will not have you.

They will not have me for long.

[ Demure Cough ] I have consumption...

and will be dead before the year is out.

You were gonna marry me with consumption?

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to spoil things.

- Go! - No!

Live to fight another day!

Whatever makes you happy.

[ Water Splashes ]

[ Narrator ] With Jack, my happiness always came first.

I faced my fate alone.

The I0 turned to 20, the 20 to 40.

Could this be the end of my freedom, my salvation, my―

[ Jack ] Hey! Gorgeous!

Hey! Hiya, Joanie! [ Laughs ]

[ Sputtering ]

♪♪ [ Woman Singing Pop ]

Wow!

What happened?

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

"Was this the end of my freedom, my salvation?"

[ Sighs ]

My career?

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

Heads up!

Oh!

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

- ♪♪ [ Ends ] - [ Clatter ]

Whoo! Ah!

Gorgeous day. Huh, gorgeous?

We got blue skies, nice, warm water...

and a cold beer.

- [ Ice Sloshing ] - Honey, did you get any more Buds?

- No. I just didn't have time today.. - [ Pop-top Snaps ]

to ravage the Riviera for your beer.

Tough day, huh?

Yeah, you could say it was tough.

But then, when the going gets tough, the tough―

I don't know what the tough do.

I don't know what the pirates do.

I don't know what anybody does. Jack-

Oh, honey, I know. I know, baby. I know.

- Hey, I know. - [ Sighs ]

But look out there. What do you see?

- Bloomingdale's? - No. Greece.

- Greece? - Yeah. Mykonos, Lesbos, Crete, ouzo, olive oil.

- Honey, we're going! - Wait a minute.

You said we were gonna go back to New York for a while.

Absolutely. When the summer's over, we're goin'.

Aw, Jack! We've been on this boat half a year now.

I need shore leave. I promised Gloria...

I would finish that book three months ago.

And I can't. I don't know what happens next.

- [ Loud Thump ] - I thought you said you wanted to sail around the world with me.

Well, I do, but― but not all of it this week.

I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur.

I mean, exotic ports and great parties...

and spectacular sunsets.

- It's not enough. - It's not enough?

You sound like somebody who's got what they wanted...

and now they don't want what they got.

- I want to do something serious. - Serious? Oh, come on.

Aw, Jack. How much romance can one woman take?

Joan Wilder?

- From your most devoted fan. - Thank you.

[ Engine Accelerates ]

"This afternoon we shall meet. A waiting the moment. "

- What's this afternoon? - Well, it must be somebody coming to the reception.

That's not till next Tuesday.

This is next Tuesday, Jack.

[ Bell Tolling In Distance ]

[ Speaking French ]

Just― [ Sighs ] Okay.

I thought you said you were gonna get a car.

If I knew it was Tuesday, it would've been here. I'm sorry.

- Oh. That's all right. - [ Engine Starts ]

What do you say we spin that roulette wheel a few times while we're down there?

Sounds great.

[ Growls ]

[ Mutters ]

- [ Crowd Applauding ] - Merci, monsieur Au revoir

- Merci Bye. - Jack.Jack?

- Yeah? - She can't leave now.

- Why not? - What do you mean, why not?

- Don't be ridiculous. Joan. Joan, darling. - Oh, my God.

I am your biggest fan! I have read all your books.

- Well, thank you very much. - [ Gloria Speaking French ]

[ Woman ] I'm so happy to see you!

- This is my publisher, Gloria Horne. - Oh, your publisher.

- And― And this is― - Oh, you are Mr. Wilder?

- No. I'm Mr. Colton. Jack Colton. - What do you do, Mr. Colton?

- Casino work. - Casino work?

Yeah. I think I'll go downstairs and punch in. Excuse me.

- Excuse me one second. - But, Jack?

- [ Speaking French ] - I'll be back.

[ Gloria ] I've got to have a drink.

Literary functions are not exactly Jack’s speed.

The guy's favorite author is the man who wrote "Pull tab to open."

- I am his favorite author. - You're telling me it's none of my business?

Let me tell you something. Jack is not the marrying kind. I am worried about you.

You're the girl who never gets a book back late to the library.

You are three months past your deadline.

Now, what gives with you? Un scotch double.

My heart just isn't in it.

I mean― Romance just doesn't seem real to me anymore.

Real? You don't write "real."

You write about people that sail off into the goddamn sunset.

What about the next day when the sun comes up?

There is no next day. That's why it's a romance.

You've got to stop confusing real life with a romantic novel.

Joanie, just finish it.

I can't. I mean, after 17 books...

I don't know how it ends anymore.

[ Man ] Then permit me to tell you.

It doesn't end.

It only begins anew when you journey down the Nile with me.

- Have you got the right woman? - [ Gloria ]No.

My name is Omar Khalifa...

and I've traveled 1 ,000 miles to tell you I need you.

- You sent me the flowers. - They pale by your beauty.

Oh, marry him.

- I read about you. - Yes, I know. Time magazine.

I'm afraid the Western press cannot understand the spirit of my vision.

You are a writer. You can understand.

So, Joan Wilder, you must come and write my story.

I only write romance novels.

Yes, and you haven't finished the one you're working on right now.

You are a gifted storyteller.

You create heroes in a world of cynics.

Journey down the Nile with me...

and I'll give you a chance to record history.

- Come. We must leave today - Joanie!

In just four nights, I will become emperor...

and you will have the exclusive story.

They have emperors on the Nile?

They do now.

Oh, shit.

♪♪ [ Lounge ]

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Pop ]

So, now what are we celebrating?

- The Nile. - Oh, the Nile.

We've been invited to Africa.

Uh, Jack Colton, Omar Khalifa.

How do you do?

He's, uh, asked me― me― to write his story.

It's just what I've always wanted to do.

And now Joan's work will receive the serious attention that it deserves.

And this will be her biggest accomplishment― my biography.

What's so important down there that you have to write the book now?

- Mr. Khalifa has― - "Omar." Please.

Omar has been chosen to unite the tribes of the Nile...

and to end the internal strife that has bloodied his land.

He will carry on the work of the Great Redeemer, who has disappeared.

- You have listened very well. - You got all that in 20 minutes?

As a friend of Miss Wilder's, you are very welcome to be my guest also.

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Could I talk to you for a minute, please?

I thought you wanted to go to New York.

- That's all changed. - That fast, huh?

But, Jack, to write a biography―

I mean, something important, something real― This is what I've been looking for.

You don't think this is a little bit over your head, Joan?

I think it's a great chance.

You got your heart set on it, huh?

Mine's set on Greece.

So, when are you gonna leave?

Tonight. Um, he has a private jet, and―

Oh, he's got a private jet.

[ Scoffs ] Well, what the hell. We had a good run, didn't we?

Oh, Jack, come on. This is just five or four weeks of research.

Maybe you're right. Maybe we need a break.

- Yeah, it's― it's been kind of tough lately. - Yeah.

When the going gets tough, the, uh, tough go to Greece.

Well, I'll write you.

Where?

Yeah. Where?

I think I'll go down and give that roulette wheel one more chance.

You take care of yourself.

And you stay out of trouble.

Look out for her, will you?

I can offer you this comfort― She leaves you for a higher purpose.

Yeah.

[ People Chattering ]

Free Al-Jawhara!

[ People Shouting, Screaming ]

[ Gunshots ]

- [ Man Shouting ] - [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]

[ Gasping ]

Don't be frightened.

You know, a man of vision has many enemies...

and my destiny is to outsmart them.

You see? [ Laughing ]

Like it? [ Laughs ]

It's okay.

[ Engine Stops ]

Well, sweetheart, I guess it's just you and me.

Goddamn it. She was the best time I ever had.

Don't cry, scumbag. I'll keep ya company.

[ Laughing ] Cartagena, Colombia!

- Long time, no― Oh, shit! - Go ahead!

Go ahead! Give me a reason. Make my year.

- Go easy with the gun. All right, buddy? Easy. - Did you miss me?

I missed you. You're all I thought about for six months.

They threw me in a jail―

filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward.

Every wacko, drippy...

open-sored lowlife was in that joint―

all of them wantin' to hire on as my proctologist.

And rats! Rats! I'm full of rat bites.

Ten weeks of rabies shots this long.

And all I thought of was you, Colton!

- Just you! - I'm― I'm flattered, pal.

And I'm― I'm sorry you had such a tough time.

Uh, how about a hundred bucks?

Hundred bucks? I'll give you a one-way ticket to harp land.

- No more jokes! What'd you do with it? - What are you talking about?

The stone, moron! I'm cocked here.

Listen, listen! Let's talk about this like gentlemen, all right?

Gentlemen? Did I tell ya I got malaria in the jail?

Every time I shake― I shake like this.

You know what happens if I shake my trigger finger?

And I feel an attack comin' on right now.

You know what happens if that happens?

You know what'll happen? It's the end of Mr. Lucky. That's the end of―

Holy shit!

- Holy shit! - Quiet!

Next time, you'll not be so lucky.

- I am Tarak. You must come with me now. - What the hell are you?

- Omar steal our jewel― Al-Jawhara. - Jewel?

You were invited with the woman.

You can get into Omar's palace. My people cannot.

What people? What the hell you talkin' about? I don't know who you are.

- You must come to help me find the jewel! - What jewel?

- The Jewel of the Nile― our most priceless jewel. - Oh, that jewel.

Omar has stolen my people's jewel Omar is a very badman.

That scum! I spit on him. Ptoo!

Jack, buddy. Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.

- Yes, yes. - I don't know where you're from or what you're on...

but I'm sailing my boat tonight.

No! You must come to help find the jewel now― before Omar kill many people.

As long as Omar have the jewel, nothing can stop him.

Look, I'm going on the boat.

You guys can do what you want.

The boat blew up.

My boat blew up.

The boat blew up!

Everything's gone.

Who are you― the Prince of Darkness? Don't you got any friends?

This is the work of Omar.

Omar blew up my boat, huh?

Your woman is in danger too. I will take you to him.

- I'm coming too! - The hell you are!

Look, you owe me, Colton.

So wherever you're goin', I'm goin'.

- Where we goin'? - Africa.

Do you recognize my home?

- I wrote this! - Yes, in The Return of the King.

- I had the same uniforms designed. - [ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Martial ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

- [ Artillery Salute ] - Hello.

- [ Speaking Foreign Language ] - Hi.

[ Foreign Language ]

- Is all this yours? - It belongs to the country, to my people.

- Oh. - [ Artillery Salute ]

- Oh! - [ Artillery Salute ]

Why point out the negative?

In three nights, in the city of Kadir, the moon will be full...

and all my people will unite behind me in peace.

And none of this will be necessary.

- Now let me show you my humble house. - Thank you.

- [ Crowd Chanting ] Omar! Omar! - [ Foreign Language ]

[ Chanting Continues ]

I'm really blessed. My people love me.

It's, like― Yes, they seem very en-enthusiastic.

[ Chanting Continues ]

- [ Shutter Clicks ] - Oh. This is a good shot for you―

the little boy holding up my picture.

- [ Joan ] Oh, yeah. That's wonderful - [ Shutter Clicks ]

[ Loud Bang ]

- [ People Screaming ] - [ Shouting In Foreign Language ]

- [ Shouting ] - [ Engine Starts ]

[ Chanting Resumes ]

My humble house.

You must forgive us. We are a poor people.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

- [ Chuckles ] - Everything you need, they will bring to you.

- Oh, thank you. - In my country, only strangers say thank you.

Family and friends have no need.

[ Loud Screaming ]

- What was that? - Cats.

- Come. - Oh.

I have a cat.

[ Foreign Language ]

- I hope this is satisfactory. - Oh.

Oh, yes. This is okay. Uh, fine.

Here you will write your masterpiece.

Ah. I have a few questions.

I see the writer is already at work.

Good.

Explore your new world.

Feel free to go anywhere and see anything...

talk to anyone.

I am glad you're here, Joan. Together, we'll make history.

[ Doors Close ]

[ All Shouting ]

It's like a fishbowl!

Why do these third world cesspools always gotta be so hot?

- Will you tell me that? - [ Tarak Ululating ]

Hey. Where the hell you goin'?

[ Ululating Continues ]

[ Together ] Holy shit!

[ Shouting, Ululating ]

[ Tarak Laughing ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

♪♪ [ Disco ]

[ Foreign Language, Laughing ]

Well, Colton, looks like we've hitched our wagon to a star.

-♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ Tarak Shouting ]

- ♪♪ [ Flute, Drum ] - [ Shutter Clicks ]

- ♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ Man Chattering ]

[ Shouting ]

- [ People Screaming ] - [ Gunfire ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

Stop that! Stop it!

[ Gunfire Continues In Distance ]

Excuse me.

Um, what does this mean?

- [ Speaking Foreign Language ] Al-Jawhara. - Al-Jawhara?

- Do you speak English? - "Give back the jewel."

Give back the jewel?

Yeah. [ Foreign Language ]

- [ Foreign Language ] - Hey! You can't do that! I'm a professional!

[ Foreign Language ]

We'll see about that.

[ Joan ]If you don't tell me what the hell is going on here...

I am going to be on the first plane back to New York.

It's impossible.

Tomorrow we journey to Kadir. You must be there.

It will be your most important chapter.

I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.

- What secrets? - Al-Jawhara?

What is the jewel?

The jewel is a legend.

I am real.

Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder.

Make yourself comfortable.

You'll stay with me until our book is done.

You can't keep me here.

Go. You are free to leave.

Only the worst kind of fool would attempt our desert alone.

♪♪ [ Boom Box: Old-School Rap ]

[ Groaning ] I gotta get off this camel.

He's breakin' my ass.

Colton. I can't take it. I can't. No! No!

Not the left one! Oh, shit!

- Camp's comin' up. The left one! - [ Groaning ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Foreign Language ]

Come! You are welcome!

We have food! We have drink!

You got a toilet?

♪♪ [ Musicians: Festive ]

So, how big is this jewel?

[ Laughs, Foreign Language ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Man ] Very, very big. Very big. Very, very big.

Very big. Very big. [ Shouts ]

- Is it as big as this orange? - [ Laughs ]

[ Foreign Language ]

[ All Laughing ]

It's as big as an orange.

The jewel is the heart of our people.

Omar steals the heart of our people.

- Omar is thief! - Omar is very bad man.

Before Omar steal our jewel, everything good.

Now everything is shit!

- Omar is thief! - [ All Shouting ]

You help us find the jewel...

and we give you great reward.

But if you lie to us, you die!

But now we dance!

[ Tarak ] Yallah! Yallah! Yallah!

[ Counting Off In Foreign Language ]

♪♪ [ Boom Box: Disco ]

[ Man ] Whoo!

♪♪ [ Continues: Singing ]

Look at these guys, Colton.

No sheep is safe tonight.

♪♪ [ Ends ]

- [ Muffled Laughter, Chatter ] - ♪♪ [ Native, In Distance ]

We split it right down the middle, Colton.

- Fifty-fifty. - What are you talking about?

Don't play stupid with me, partner.

The jewel!

And don't you even think of messin' with me.

Oh! What's that I hear― a heart breakin'? You sap!

Better keep your mind on business, Romeo.

You'll wind up getting yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.

Jewels! Ha!

[ Falsetto Voice ] Oh, Omar. Ooh!

[ Chortling ]

[ Man, British Accent ] I want you lot to be careful!

Careful See that word "Fragile" on the side?

It means don't drop― What did I just say?

I might love your country I might love your culture.

I might even love your people. That means I love you.

But you drop another one of those boxes, I'll smash your bloody face in!

[ Man Speaking Foreign Language ]

You tell Omar, right― Omar―

that his special-effects wizard has arrived.

Come on then.

[ People Chattering ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Man Chattering ]

[ Shatters ]

War plans.

Oh, my God. What is he up to?

- Wait till Time magazine sees this. - [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]

- [ Man Screaming ] - [ Men Shouting ]

You bastard! You burnt my hand!

I didn't say it wouldn't burn. I said it wouldn't hurt!

Look, there's no blistering. No blistering. I've done it hundreds of times on stage.

Look, this is not a cheap theatrical stunt.

It's a miracle. My people have to believe it!

Omar, trust me. Trust what I've got to say.

Look, if I can make gods out of rock-and-roll stars...

imagine what I can do for you.

For your information, I am not a rock-and-roll star.

The people must believe I have the same powers as the Jewel.

Come. I want to see him now.

If it weren't for the Jewel, I'd have led my people to power long ago.

- [ Omar, Indistinct ] - [ Door Slams ]

You Westerners understand nothing.

The Jewel represents the spiritual world of my people.

Unless I can convince them I am their spiritual leader..

they will never follow me into battle.

That is why you are here.

[ Guards Chattering ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Omar ] Tell me how it’s done, magician.

[ Man ] It's not magic trick. It's miracle.

[ Shouts ] I am losing patience with you!

But you cannot kill me. Even you are superstitious.

- Al-Jawhara lives. - Al-Jawhara?

[ Omar ] Two nights from now, it will not matter

Yallah!

[ Door Closes ]

Oh, no.

- A woman? - [ Coughs ]

Most unexpected.

I gotta get outta here. I gotta stop Omar.

Did you bring an army?

What? No. I'm ju― I'm just Joan Wilder.

Just-Joan Wilder, I'm Al-Jawhara.

Al-Jawhara?

The Jewel of the Nile.

I don't understand. You're the Jewel?

Eh, for the moment.

In two nights, at the holy city of Kadir...

Omar will proclaim himself emperor

Without me to oppose him, he'll march across North Africa like a madman.

- [ Door Bursts Open ] - But the world will see me as the savior of my people.

No, it won't. The world won't believe you.

I've been in your office, and I've seen your vision.

- I'm gonna write the truth about you! - The truth?

If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.

What do you know about truth? You fantasize everything.

Why do you think I brought you here?

You stay here, and you write what I tell you to write.

You think no one knows I'm here?

Oh, yes. Jack. I forgot to tell you.

Jack is dead.

Don't be ridiculous. Jack would never die without telling me.

Nevertheless, he is dead.

You look pale, Miss Wilder

I'll send you my personal physician.

[ Footsteps Departing ]

[ Door Closes, Lock Turns ]

It can't be true.

This Jack, he is friend for you?

Yes.

He is my best friend.

[ Muezzin Calling Prayer In Distance ]

I― I don't see shit.

We must stop here.

It is dangerous for Sufis to enter Omar's city.

Now, wait a minute. This guy's already tried to kill me once.

- [ Foreign Language ] - [ Rifles Cock ]

You are guest of Omar.

Find for us the Jewel. Accept your destiny.

Destiny, my ass. [ Mutters ]

When you hook up with a bunch of Jujubes, you see what happens?

Just take your lead from me, and we'll be fine.

What are we gonna do, walk right through the center of town?

- I'm gonna put you up a camel's ass for openers. - I think I might like it.

[ Scraping ]

[ Grunts ] What are you doing?

In one of my books― Angelina's Savage Secret―

she used her nail file to cut the mortar away from the window bars.

How long did this take?

Two pages.

Eh, but it's not the bars that make the prison. It is the desert.

So I'll travel at night. I don't care. I have to stop Omar.

I gotta get out of here if I'm gonna write the truth about him.

I have to get to Kadir.

Wait a minute. You're the one that has to get to Kadir.

You're the only one that can stop Omar. You have to go with me.

Ah. Hmm.

Maybe you are the one.

I accept.

We are sworn, Just-Joan.

- Right. But it's just Joan. - Right. Just-Joan.

Right. We just have to get out this window.

Please. Please.

Please.

- Magic. - Dry rot.

I bet you could pick up a swell three-bedroom townhouse here...

for about five or six dollars. [ Clears Throat ]

- [ Speaking Foreign Language ] - Hiya, guys.

My name is Colton. I've been invited by your Omar.

I'm here to see Joan Wilder.

Rachid! [ Foreign Language ]

Hey, Rachid, how are you? Good to see you again.

Joan Wilder does not want to see you.

Well, now, Rachid, I don't think you understand.

Uh, we're here on official business.

Now, this is Mr., uh, Fatush from the U.S. Embassy.

He's got something very important to talk to all you guys about.

Yeah. Look, we don't want to create an international incident here.

After all, she is an American citizen.

If you'll just let us see her― no paperwork.

Mum's the word. Everything will be―

[ Foreign Language ]

- Guys, no sweat. We'll catch you next time we're in town. - [ Murmuring ]

- Take it easy. - Say hello to her for us.

You know what they say― Once they've had a holy man, they never go back.

Quickly, Just-Joan!

Are you sure you know where you're going?

I heard those guys can go for hours without comin' up for air.

Ease up, will you? There's gotta be another way in here someplace.

I can't wait for another smooth move from Dr. Doom.

How about you and me at the back door in pussycat suits?

When they come with the saucer of milk-

- How about you taking it in the ear? - Ooh! Very―

Look, pal, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be onto this.

Subsequently, I should shoot you the first chance I get.

Jack! You're alive!

Kind of going outta your way to duck me, aren't you?

- You bastard! [ Screams ] - Just-Joan!

Oh! [ Moaning ]

Oh! Jack! I thought I'd never see you again.

They told me you were dead, and I believed them!

- I never wanna feel that way again! - Does this mean you apologize?

- [ Exclaims ] - I feel like I'm back in eighth grade here.

What is this― The Young and the Stupid?

What the hell is he doing here?

Don't get cagey with me, sweetheart. I'm onto it.

I know how you two operate.

I'll get in there with or without you dinks!

[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]

Hey, look, guys. Lighten up, will you?

I only said hello to an old girlfriend here.

Just-Joan! We need to go!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who's this guy?

- He's a friend. - You made friends in there?

[ People Screaming ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Shouting ]

- Okay, let's go. Come on. - Wait, wait. He's coming with us.

Don't start with me! All right? I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you.

Rescue me? I was doin' fine without you!

- [ Gunfire ] - I am guide. I can help you.

- I don't need a guide! I need a miracle! - Jack, he's coming with us.

All right! But if we get out of this alive, I'm gonna kill you!

Let's go. Come on.

- [ Gunfire Continues ] - [ Shouting ]

- [ Shouting, Ululating ] - Al-Jawhara!

[ Foreign Language ]

- Who are you? - Is this where AI Jolson's buried?

- Who the hell are you? - Hey! Don't provoke me, pal! I had a tough day.

You know how hot it is here? It's 120 degrees in the shade.

- [ Foreign Language ] - I'm like this with Weinberger.

- We'll be all over you like a cheap suit. - [ Gunfire ]

[ Shouting, Ululating ]

- Yallah! - [ Foreign Language ]

Let me in! Let me in! Oh!

Holy shit! And shove me in it!

[ Foreign Language ]

Oh, no! Over the wall!

[ Alarm Blaring ]

[ Man Shouting In Foreign Language ]

- [ Alarm Continues ] - [ Man Shouting ]

- [ Screams ] - Uh!

- [ Gunfire ] - Ooh! Ooh!

[ Yelping ]

Oh! Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Come on. Move it! Oy! Ow! Oh, no! No! [ Groaning ]

[ Man Shouting ]

Okay, flyboy, your estimated time of departure's right now!

[ Foreign Language ]

- [ Gasps ] What are you doing? - I'm not doing anything!

- Well, do something! - All right!I'm trying!

I mean, this isn't Space Invaders!

[ Shouting ]

Jack! The wall!

Aw, no!

- [ Shouting ] - [ Gunfire Continues ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Shouting ]

- [ Foreign Language ] - [ Explosions Continue ]

It is Space Invaders.

Wahoo! That'll show 'em!

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Grunting ]

All right! Yeah!

Oh, shit.

Jack. Let's get outta here.

- This is gonna be tight! - [ Shouting ]

This is my first time in airplane.

[ People Shouting, Screaming ]

- Oh. Uh― - How do you stop this thing?

Sorry.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Do you know where you're going? - Give me a break, will ya?

[ Shouting, Screaming ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Exclaiming ]

[ Shouting, Screaming ]

Al-Jawhara!

- [ Brays ] - [ Sighs ]

- Your friend steal the Jewel! - What?

- You― You are liar to me! - [ Yelps ] No!

- I come back, and you are dead! - [ Foreign Language ]

Colton, you thieving bastard! You ain't stiffin' me again!

I promise you! I'll feed you to the maggots!

- I'll― - [ Horn Honking ]

- Al-Jawhara! - Al-Jawhara!

Al-Jawhara!

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Shouting, Screaming ]

[ Clicking ]

Oh, great! We're out of quarters.

Well― Try that one there.

Now what? Damn it!

- [ Laughing ] - [ Exclaims ] Yes!

- Yes![ Laughing ] - Hey, that's not bad for your first time.

[ Yelping ]

[ Foreign Language ]

Come on. We got 'im. We got 'im.

Colton, you ain't gettin' away.

♪♪ [ Singing In Foreign Language ]

[ Engine Roaring ]

- Where the hell's the horn? - [ Shouting ]

Get outta here! Get outta the way! Come on!

Sandstorm!

[ Gunshot ]

Stop! Stop! Stop!

What are you gonna do?

Either save us or kill us. Hang on!

[ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

- [ Screeches ] - [ Gasps, Screams ]

[ All Shouting In Foreign Language ]

- [ Shouting ] - No!

- Now you are dead. - Don't cut off my head! Please!

- You stole our Jewel. - No! It wasn't me! It was the mook!

He's constantly screwing me! I swear to God on my eyes!

- I never seen that jewel! - [ Foreign Language ]

No, wait! No, wait, wait!

Wait! Wait! Wait! You need me.

- I can help you find him. - You are his friend.

No! No, no! Friend? Stop saying that.

Friends don't stab each other in the back.

Come on, look. Look, we-we'll team up.

We'll find the mook, get 'im good.

He knows that I will not be denied.

Colton's future is bleak.

[ Whimpers ] Very bleak!

Any idea where we are?

Well, the best I can figure out...

is, if we head due east, we should make it to the border.

But― Is that the way to Kadir?

Laa. Kadir is in the west, over that mountain.

The best of luck to you, pal. Joan, come on. Let's get going.

Jack, we have to take him to Kadir.

What are you talking about? We got him out like you said.

The guy's gonna be fine. Now come on.

We swore an oath, Just-Joan and I. We go to Kadir.

What is it with you? Geez!

I mean, everything's always got to be your way?

- This is just like the goddamn boat! - What do you mean, my way?

It wasn't my idea to spend six months on your boat!

- Oh! Debate good. I enjoy. - Let me tell you what I put up with.

We're moored off the Canary Islands, right?

Midnight― sound asleep― three crazed Joan Wilder fans...

decide they want the anchor of the Angelina for a souvenir!

- We were drifting for days! And what about the other time― - Stop. I'm sorry.

It's time for Just-Joan.

- Remember the Costa del Sol, Jack? - Aw, come on.

He's got to meet me at the governor's for a formal dinner.

And you show up with the entire Italian national basketball team!

- Hey, they were hungry. - This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I just wish sometimes you could think about me.

Oh! Oh, and I suppose you were thinking all about me when you took off with Omar, huh?

- Did I tell you he blew up my boat? - Our boat.

- Oh. Now it's our boat. - Is good. Good debate.

Is equal. No winners. Just-Joan, we must hurry.

No, wait. What do you mean he blew up our boat?

Just tell me one thing. Why are you risking your life for this guy?

I made a commitment. I can't break it.

[ Laughs ] Okay.

[ Slaps Thighs ] Okay, fine.

I'm gonna tell you the truth. I didn't come here for you anyway.

No. I'm onto something big.

A jewel― the Jewel of the Nile.

Come with us. I am Jawhara.

Uh, that means "Joe."

Thanks, Joe, but no thanks.

I wouldn't want her to break her commitment.

Aw, Jack.

I mean, come on.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

That's for the Angelina.

I still owe you for Joan.

[ Foreign Language ]

Oh, no. Oh, God.

Please, let me get outta this alive.

I swear to God. I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.

[ Foreign Language ] Al-Jawhara!

- [ Shouting ] - But, tonight, I gotta kill Colton.

- [ Vehicle Approaching ] - [ Exclaims ]

[ Foreign Language ] Joan Wilder!

Yallah! Yallah!

Why you didn't want to tell your friend about me?

Oh, I know him.

He'd go halfway around the world for a great party...

but he wouldn't go across town for a noble cause.

- People can surprise you. - No. He's just Jack. He'll never change.

Like, uh― Like a stone.

[ Chuckles ] It's always a stone.

Open your hand.

- [ Gasps ] - Change is not always visible.

All right! Let's show some hustle!

- [ Joan ] What? - Your buddy, Omar!

What is it? He can't live without you?

[ Murmurs ]

- Are we jogging? - We are jogging!

[ Jack, Panting ] Greece is looking better and better.

[ Joan ] Uh-huh.

Aw, shit.

Will you just tell me why the hell this guy wants you so bad?

- Hey, Joe, where you goin'? - Uh, this way.

You gotta be kidding.

He probably knows the mountains better than you, Jack.

Joan, will you give me a break? Will ya?

America― democracy. We vote, huh?

- [ Loud Clatter ] - Stop! Stop!

It's him!

- [ Gunfire ] - Hurry up! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on! Get down! Get down!

- It's a black day for democracy. - Do not worry.

I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.

- What about us? - That's another ball game.

[ Gunfire Continues ]

- [ Shouts In Foreign Language ] - [ Gunfire Stops ]

Rachid!

Joan Wilder, I wish no harm to you.

I'm your friend, your fan.

Please surrender

What'd you do for this guy Omar you never did for me?

[ Muttering ] Bloody bitch.

Oh, shit! Look out!

[ Shouts ]

[ All Laughing ]

Hey, Omar! Eat rock shit!

Let's go over there.

[ All Shouting ]

[ Breathing Heavily ]

I got something.

[ Chuckles ]

Nubians.

I was hoping to avoid them.

[ Villagers Clamoring ]

Sell any books here?

Main man. Hey! My man!

- What are you so happy about? - Just keep smiling.

Maybe they'll think we're from National Geographic.

Hey, how you doing, you guys?

How you doing?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

He says it's many days long trip over high mountains.

And he wishes us a very pleasant journey.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

- You're all right. Thank you, guys. - Thank you. Excuse us.

Catch you next time, all right? Good-bye.

- [ Joan ] Come on,Jack. - [ Whispering, Indistinct ]

Ah, Mr. Jack, Just-Joan. The chief's son―

He wishes to make a blessing for your marriage and your children.

[ Laughing ] We're not married.

[ Foreign Language ]

He says, because you are not married...

that, uh, his son wishes to court you.

- [ Chuckles ] I just― - No, that's, uh―

That's very nice, but the lady is, uh― She's with me.

- [ Foreign Language ] - [ Villagers Shouting ]

He says that because there is more than one suitor...

that you must wrestle his son.

I gotta wrestle his son?

Uh-huh.

How you doing?

Okay. This one, I think I can handle.

Okay.

No?

Hyacinthe!

- Hyacinthe! - [ Villagers Cheering ]

Hey, but, guys, this is cuckoo Wait a minute, guys.

Let's talk this over like gentlemen, all right? Come on!

All right! You guys are for me, huh? Yeah, me. All right.

Do me a favor. Tell him we lived together for six months. Aw, shit.

All right. All right. What are the rules?

[ Villagers Cheering ]

- Right. - Yeah!

[ Villagers Booing ]

- Oh! Oh! - [ Muffled ] I'm really sorry about that.

Oh, no! Not the left one!

- Jack! - No pain, no gain.

Oh, let me go!

No!No!

- Can we talk about this? - Stop it!

We have to do something!

I am doing something.

Oh!

[ Laughing ]

- Joe, he's― - [ Grunts ]

- [ Grunting ] - No! [ Gasps ]

Ay!

[ All Laughing ]

[ Chickens Clucking ]

[ Body Thuds On Ground ]

[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]

[ Whooping, Laughing ] Yeah!

[ Laughing ] Yea!

Aha! Yeah!

That was great!

Great, huh? I could have gotten killed!

♪♪ [ Drums Beating ]

- Yeah! - Yeah!

This is the marriage dance.

In this tribe, the women― They choose the men.

And then according to the custom...

they will be together for the rest of their lives.

- They get all that from one dance? - Eh-heh.

I think it's beautiful.

[ Tarak ] Ralph, if you want to be one of us...

take off your shoes and socks.

If you want to be one of us, you must see with the eyes of your heart...

- not with the eyes of your head. - Gotcha, yeah.

Your heart will never give you fear or pain...

if you know our way.

- Ralph. - Uh, no, thanks, pal.

- Keep your friggin' jewel. No! Hey! Hey! - Are you afraid?

Well, I just had my feet resoled.

What is the worst that can happen to you?

I could wind up a Chicken McNugget.

What is the best that could happen to you?

I could get through this and find the jewel.

It's your choice. Look down.

[ Yelping ]

Hot coals! Hot coals! [ Yelping ]

I did it! I did it! I'm one of us!

Ya ya ya ya!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

All right! Yeah!

Yeah!

Your fears― They make you foolish.

Go to her, Jack.

[ Laughing ]

[ Moaning Softly ]

I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again, Jack.

Are you kidding? We're the perfect couple when we got people shootin' at us.

It's just the slow times I'm not too good at.

I guess I just expect too much.

Maybe we both expect too much.

Oh, boy.

Thank you for coming to Kadir with me.

This valley is gift of the Nile.

[ Chuckling ]

I've been away from here too long.

I'm getting to like this guy Joe. He's growing on me.

What do you say we cut him in on this jewel if we ever find it?

Jack, uh...

we have the Jewel.

What are you talking about? Where?

Well, there.

What, Joe's got the jewel?

No. Joe is the Jewel.

Joe is the Jewel of the Nile?

He's a― a holy man. That's his religious title.

Joe's the Jewel.

Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why'd you keep it from me?

Because I thought, if you knew, you wouldn't come with us.

Maybe I would've surprised you.

I think I've come through once or twice, if I remember right.

I'm sorry. You're right.

You come through all the time.

[ Scoffs ]

It's funny.

I really thought we had a chance.

[ Horn Blows ]

Ah! Look, Just-Joan― the train to Kadir.

Come on, Jack. Inshallah, we'll be there tonight.

- What a lot of people! - Yes, those are pilgrims.

- They are going to see the false redeemer. - Omar again, huh?

Well, we'll see about that.

[ Chattering ]

[ Bell Ringing ]

Oh, shit.

[ Vehicle Horn Honking ]

[ Camel Grunting ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Yallah! Yallah!

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

What are you doing?

Come on.

Jump!

- [ Screams ] - No!

- Jack! - Hey.

Jack!

[ Gasping ]

Hang on! Hang on, Joan!

Jack, watch out! It's― Aah!

Al-Jawhara. [ Foreign Language ]

Al-Jawhara! Al-Jawhara!

"Olly!" What? Olly! Olly! Olly! Olly!

Guys, wait up! Come on, Humphrey. Go! Go! Go! Olly! Olly!

Do something!

[ Choking ] What do you want me to do?

[ Gunshot ]

- [ Foreign Language ] - Joan Wilder!

- [ Foreign Language ] - ♪♪ [ Native ]

- [ Knocking ] - Colton!

- [ Mouthing Words ] - Hah!

Your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower, Colton!

Colton!I'll get you, Colton! I'm onto you!

- [ Clamoring ] - [ Sheep Bleats ]

[ Maniacal Laughing ] Colton!

[ Thud ]

Colton.

[ Bleating ]

[ Man Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Man Shouting ]

[ Gunfire ]

- [ Laughs ] - Yea! All right! Yeah!

[ All Laughing ]

All right, let's go. Come on. Let's get outta here.

Just-Joan, you're great―

- [ Guns Cock ] - Welcome, welcome.

I don't usually travel by train...

but I had a small accident with my helicopter.

[ Whistle Blows ]

May we reach Kadir in time. Inshallah.

[ Horse Whinnies ]

[ Tarak ] Once we get inside, we must find the entrance to the catacombs.

[ Man ] Take home a T-shirt! T-shirts! Buy T-shirts.

Get outta here. Give me the T-shirt.

I'll buy it. I'll buy it. Get outta here, will ya?

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

[ Crowd Murmur Continues, Muffled ]

[ Omar ] You know, I really admire your loyalty to each other.

And I'm going to give you a chance to be together to the very end.

[ Chuckles ] Well, not exactly One will watch the other die.

[ Shouting ]

But which one?

Rachid.

Is that the goat blood?

Yes.

Very popular with the inhabitants of these catacombs.

- [ Jack ] Rats. - Yes. And they will eat...

until they get the very last drop.

But don't worry, Mr. Colton.

You won't be alone.

Rachid is now placing acid...

that will eat through Miss Wilder's rope.

What kind of sick pervert would go to this trouble? Why don't you shoot us?

- Jack! - I mean, what kind of demented psychopath...

- would even think of this? - The Savage Secret.

- What? - It was my biggest seller.

Oh.

Think about this pit as your last adventure,Joan Wilder

My people await me. Rachid!

- [ Foreign Language ] - [ Joan Groaning ]

[ Squeaking ]

What you talkin' about? I'm used to workin' with professional people.

You tell His Highness the show starts with him or without him.

[ Crowd Chattering ]

[ Ralph ] Goddamn beanie convention. We'll end up going home with a rug.

The entrance.

Give me a red to the yellow and cue!

♪♪ [ Dramatic: Low ]

I said give me a red gel down there!

And cue! For God's sake, cue!

♪♪ [ Dramatic: Building ]

Build it. Build it softly. Build it― And give me some smoke.

[ Loud Stomping ]

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

That's good. That's good. That's very good. Now bring it up.

- Bring it up slowly - [ Motor Whirs ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Crowd Shouting ]

[ Crowd Chanting ] Omar! Omar!

Omar! Omar!

Omar! Omar!

Omar! Omar!

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Chanting Continues ]

- ♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ Chanting Continues ]

[ Shutter Clicks ]

- Hey, hey, hey! - There are many rooms and many ways.

You, you go this way. And you, you go this way.

And we, we go this way.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

- [ Shouting ] - [ Crowd Responding ]

- Oh, ooh! What a stench in this place. - [ Omar Continues, Muffled ]

- What looks good, amigo? - Uh, you go from this way.

And, uh, I go this way.

All right.

Froot Loop.

- [ Jack ]So how'd they get out? - [ Joan ] What?

In The Savage Secret, how'd they get out?

Oh. Uh...

Jessie had a knife hidden in his boot.

You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?

I'm not even wearing underwear.

Great.

- Aah! Jack! - No! No!

We were good together, weren't we, Joan Wilder?

The best.

- And we're gonna make it. - Yeah.

Oh, God, I love you, lady.

I love you, Jack.

- Will you marry me? - Yes!

Because I don't ever want you leaving me again.

You're not just saying that because this is it, are you?

I'm saying it because I'm not afraid to say it anymore.

So where you wanna go on our honeymoon?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Crowd Chanting ] Omar! Omar!

Omar! Omar!

[ Chanting Continues ]

Rats! Get out of here. It's a goddamn rat farm. Go on!

Ralph! Ralph, get us out of here, will ya?

Oh! And there's the biggest rat of all.

Ooh, Colton, look at you, you― [ Chortles ]

You don't know how many nights I dreamed of this very thing...

- except your flesh was torn off your body. - Please, just help us down.

- [ Shouts ] - Jack, the rope!

Well, well, well, Colton.

I think this calls for a renegotiation. Don't you, Tarzan? Huh?

This looks a little bit more like 70-30 or maybe even 80-20.

- Ralph, will you get the rats off my rope! - [ Squeaking ]

I don't go near rats, buddy.

[ Jewel ] Ralph, do not be afraid.

Remember the Sufi way. See with your heart.

My heart sees rats, pop. Don't let this garb fool you.

Come on, Colton, where's the jewel?

Ralph, I am the Jewel― the Jewel of the Nile.

Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens.

- Pipe down, towel head! - [ Jack ] Come on, Ralph!

Take the ladder and put it over the well.

- Please, please, don't let us die. - That's a good idea, legs.

I ain't gonna let you die, but I ain't movin' no damn ladder..

until you two come across with the rock.

- [ Squeaks ] - [ Shouts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Laughing ]

Lookin' more like 90-10, huh, kumquat?

Uh, did you get the ladder all right, buddy?

- Jack, help me unlock the Jewel - The Jewel?

You mean you weren't shittin' me? That guy really is the Jewel?

Come on. We still got time to stop Omar! Let's go.

Ralph, that is not the Sufi way.

I don't know what got into me, Jewels.

Every time I'm around this guy, he makes me crazy.

Aw, come on. Tell him to cut me down, Jewels.

Come on. Come on, huh?

- [ Crowd Chanting ] Omar! Omar! - [ Shouting ]

Omar! Omar!

[ Frenzied Shouting ]

- [ Crowd Shouting ] - [ Omar Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

Joan Wilder!

Don't fuck around with the equipment! Bloody woman!

[ Ululating ]

- [ Ululating ] - Joan Wilder!

[ Men Ululating ]

[ Ululating ]

- Get them! Go! - Here they come, Jack.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.

- [ Omar Shouting ] - H-Hold it!

Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Comin' through.

Ho, ho, ho. Oh, Rachid. How you doin'?

Let's talk this over before you butcher me alive.

What are you gettin' so steamed about?

- [ Screams ] - Look at that. It worked.

[ Gasping ]

[ Crowd Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Crowd Falls Silent ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ] Jawhara!

[ Foreign Language ] Al-Jawhara!

[ Crowd Shouting, Chanting ]

- [ Shouts ] - [ Both Gasp ]

Get over the wall! Go on! Come on!

Get going! Get going!

Keep going!

[ Crowd Gasps ]

- [ Grunts ] - [ Whistles ]

I knew we'd hook up again, Colton!

Get it!

I swear to God! My right hand to God! Come on!

[ Chanting, Cheering ]

[ Screams ]

I am dead, Miss Wilder.

All that will be written for Omar is an epitaph.

- But I will not be alone. - [ Screams ]

Who is going to save you now, hmm?

Who?

[ Screaming ]

[ Crowd Chanting ]

[ Chanting Continues ]

Well, you got your story.

I got a lot more than that.

You are married.

[ Crowd Cheering, Ululating ]

[ Shouts ]

♪♪ [ Singing In Foreign Language ]

Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.

As usual, it's zilch for poor Ralphie.

You are Sufi.

Keep it always.

Aw, guys!

Ahh.

- Sufis rule! - [ All Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Man Singing Pop ]

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]