Original subtitles

My name is B. J. Novak. I wanna tell you about this show I made.

It's a completely different episode every time.

- Pop culture. - Sex.

Revenge.

Here it is. Is that it?

That's it.

- Attention! - The party bus will be leaving

- in a moment! - We have

a massive backlog of Vampiric Council business,

and you all pick now to go on a trip?

All work, no play makes Colin Robinson a dull guy.

Guillermo, there are two missing.

Great.

Holiday time!

It has been several decades since we have taken

an excursion away from our home.

But Sean and Charmaine...

Seanie!

Yes, exactly. Sean and Charmaine from next door

have organized a group getaway

to celebrate their anniversary.

- Yeah. - And...

- they've invited us!

For vampires, traveling away

from home can be very difficult.

It's not the same as just flashing

a few papers or wanking off Morris from steerage.

There's a lot more to it.

Most important rule-- you must

take with you the homeland soil of your coffin.

-Without this ancestral earth... - Thank you.

...you cannot sleep, you cannot leave,

- Come. -...you cannot hypnotize,

and your powers go

to absolute liquid shit.

Take the soil with me. All of it.

- Tie a knot. Very safe. - There we are.

Ready to travel!

Some call our destination

a mecca of the depraved.

America's premier nocturnal playground

of hedonistic debauchery.

Sin City, U.S. of A., baby!

♪ Viva Atlantic City♪

-♪ Viva Atlantic City♪ - Atlantic City, baby!

- Atlantic City, baby. -♪ Viva...♪

Not you, Guillermo.

-♪ Viva♪ -♪ Atlantic♪

♪ City!♪

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪

♪ They have no use for your song♪

-- Atlantic City, baby!

- ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead, you're dead♪

-♪ And out of this world.♪ - Come on, guys, get off the bus!

Yeah!

Here you go, my darling.

Your home away from home.

I'll be honest-- I'm jealous.

That cot looks pretty sweet.

Really? Do you want to trade?

No, I was just being polite. It's obviously very shitty.

Thank you for the tiny bed.

I hereby present you, the innkeeper,

with a feather from a female crow,

as is customary amongst travelers.

Uh, sir, sorry, no, this is for you.

- I'll take that, thank you. - I'm going to spread my soil.

Hey, Nadja, Laszlo, you guys hitting the skins in there?

Yes, Colin Robinson, we are!

Oh.

- ♪ Al Qolnidar.♪

It smells like shit. Okay, so 65% off, Nordstrom Rack.

- No! - Yes.

- What are you doing? - Stop. - On my mother.

- Norway? Wow. - No, well, Nordstrom Rack, yeah.

Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding!

Now, anyone who knows me

knows that I am not much for speeches.

- Seanie! - Hey! There he is!

But, uh, I just want to say to my wife...

That's me.

...that I adore you.

-- Yeah. - I mean, look at us.

You know? It's 11 friends,

all together.

- It's pretty amazing, you know? - Yeah.

Holy shit. It's just like Ocean's Eleven!

--"What, did you guys get a group rate

- or something?" - Yes!

I love this woman!

Okay, okay.

I've always been a Twelve man at heart.

But, recently, we rewatched Eleven,

and I have to say that it's, uh, not just a prequel.

It's, uh... it's got a lot of world-building, too.

All right, let's bring it up a little bit.

Let's give a shout-out to my best buds.

- My main man Laz. - Seanie!

To my guy. Frankie, we played peewee together.

- Frankie! - Yeah, you remember that?

Hey, Mikey! Wake up! We played peewee together, too, right?

- Oh! Holy shit! - Mikey!

- What, are you drunk already?! - Oh, no.

- There's glass in all our food.

- We can't eat it. - Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Gizmo, be a good familiar and fetch a broom.

Well, I'm not a familiar anymore, so...

Fetch a broom from the hostess now, Guillermo.

Ooh, ah.

Cheeky prick.

Yeah, the transition

from familiar to bodyguard has been, um...

...not much of a transition, I guess?

Guillermo is no longer a familiar.

So just make him feel like he's part of the team.

No, no, Nandor is right. I mean, at every office I've worked at,

they always say, "We're a big family here."

And it does motivate people to work harder

and neglect their actual families

and put up with all sorts of degrading shit.

Okay.

They are going to bring a mop and a broom.

Oh.

- Hmm?

Um...

Hello, Guillermo.

Um, do you have any, um...

- interests? - That's a great question.

I was wondering that, too.

- Do I have any interests? - Hmm.

- Yes, of course I... - Wow! Very cool.

He's got interests and he knows what's... interesting.

- Yeah. I've got interests, too. - Hmm.

It's important.

- Okay. - We are the same.

- All with interests. - Mm.

Uh, you've got interests, don't you,

- Colin Robinson? - I like to walk around.

- I like to stare. - Did I...

did I miss something?

We're all a big family here.

Right.

These interests that you have,

- do they involve the fairer sex?

I'm not gonna do that.

- I'm not talking... - Guillermo, do you have yourself

a little cutie, chubby little girlfriend?

Why does she have to be chub-- You know what...

- Maybe a boyfriend? - Yes. Have you got

a little secret, you little sick fuck?

Yeah, come on, you stinky bitch. The library is open.

-- Definitely not gonna talk about...

- Oh, one of each, you dirty dog. - Ooh, yes, he does.

No, I... I just-- I guess I grew up in a family where, you know,

talking about your private life

is... that.

- It's private. - Oh, please.

Do you know what the most beautiful thing in the world is?

What?

Fucking.

The kaleidoscopic entwining

of limbs and genitalia.

Men, women. Women, men.

Women, women, women,

women, men, men, men, men.

Anything gets me hard.

Sometimes it's a problem.

Not to me.

Everyone fucks and sucks,

- thousands of chaps and chap-esses... - Mm.

...before they meet the one. But if they're lucky,

they can go off and fuck millions of others, like we do.

Don't think that was the case with my parents.

Tell us more about that.

You really want to know?

- Yeah, yeah. Yes. - Mm.

Uh, well, yeah.

It is tough. I mean, I remember being ten or 11

- when I first realized that I was...

Frankie put glass in the piccata and the restaurant comped us,

so we got all these chips. Let's hit the casino.

- All right. - Come on, Nadia. Let's go watch this Rat Pack show

- with the girls. - Did you say "the Rat Pack"?

- Yeah, they're good. - They're here?

Yeah, yeah, it's the Rat Pack.

Chips ahoy!

-- Yeah!

Atlantic City, baby!

- We're actually seeing the Rat Pack? - Yeah!

I couldn't bloody believe it

when Charmaine said we were seeing the Rat Pack.

I mean, what a coincidence.

My old mateys, performing here, tonight!

Oh, we used to have such fun together.

Hanging with the who's who of the local

Cosa Nostra in the back room.

What can I say?

We were just a bunch of night cats,

and nobody was playing for keeps.

-- I used to scream,

"Ain't That a Kick in the Head!"

at every show because it was my favorite number and also,

you know, what a stupid name for a song.

Frankie used to say that they should callme the Voice.

He'd say, uh,

"Nadja, I don't know what's more of a problem,

your voice or my taste in blondes."

- Cheers, ladies! - I love alcohol.

I have to drink it. Um, num, num, num.

-- Okay, here they-they are!

Frankie! Deanie!

Oh, this is amazing for me!

It's me, Nadja! Hello!

♪ How lucky can one guy be?♪

Oh, wow. I mean, they haven't changed at all.

Nadja from Antipaxos! Hello!

They did say, uh, "Ring-a-ding-ding" a lot.

- Ring-a-ding-ding! - Which is one of their catchphrases.

It's Nadja! Do you remember?!

All right.

But, you know, crooners

gonna croon.

♪ Tell me quick♪

♪ Ain't that a kick♪

♪ In the head...?♪

Oh, boy. All right.

We got some live ones tonight.

So, who do you guys

favor for Monday night's fight?

-- I understand

you're indicating that you want me to proceed.

But I'm still assessing my cards,

which is within my right.

Rodriguez, of course, has that uppercut.

But Jackson has the reach. 70 inches. That's no slouch.

-- Yes.

- He hasn't moved for hours.

I've actually never seen him like this, to be honest.

Let's go. Come on.

I am playing a game called

The Big Bang Theory game.

So hypnotic.

Really has me in its grips.

Two Leonards and a Raj. I need three Rajs!

Again.

I won!

- Bazinga...!

"Bazinga" is the war cry of Sheldon,

their tall leader.

- I haven't seen them in so long.

Frankie, Deanie, Sammy,

my sweet paisans.

It's me,

it's your "luck be a lady"!

- Oh. - Oh,

you were the aces of clubs tonight.

- Ring-a-ding-ding!

There it is!

I don't think it's gonna be a classic match.

Anyway, it-- Let's see.

We got a six and a fi--

I don't really know how to play this.

- Come on, Sheldon. - Yeah, I know they're still having fun,

but it's almost sunrise.

It's very important for a bodyguard

to be on top of when it's time for nap-naps.

Do it for me, Raj.

-- They get a little aggravated

- when they don't get their night... - Fucking game!

See?

- Time for night-night. - Come on. Guillermo, not now.

- Give me more quarters. I need more quarters. - No, I think-- I think it's time

- for night-night. - No.

The sun is about to come up.

- You can't make me. - Aw. Come on.

- No, these are my new friends. - We should go.

- This way. Over here. This way. - What does this one do?

No, it doesn't do anything.

I still cannot slumber.

Colin Robinson, are you slumbering?

No. And stop asking me.

Are you slumbering in there?!

We are having a very hard time trying to slumber!

Yes, we are also unable to slumber!

Guillermo, are you slumbering?

Guillermo.

Guillermo, wake up! I asked you, are you slumbering?

What is this?

Oh, shit.

Shit. No.

Shit. Shit!

My ancestral soil!

It is gone!

Our ancestral soil is also gone!

What the piss in hell is happening?!

You know how it is when you have

the binge-watch blinders on.

I got caught up in a show that I'm obsessed with,

and they only air it

here at the hotel.

♪ Roll the dice♪

♪ Spin that wheel...♪

Anyway, housekeeping came in, and...

I-I didn't notice what she was doing.

♪ The sushi's raw♪

♪ Catch a show and hit the spa.♪

- This is very bad. - "Very bad"?!

This is a fucking catastrophe!

If our ancestral soil is gone,

then we cannot rest! If we cannot rest,

then our powers...

I can't even say it.

Our powers are poof! Gone!

I can feel my powers fading.

Bat!

A fucking sparrow.

-- The lamest of all birds.

There is but one solution.

Guillermo,

you must go on a journey,

a quest.

How do you feel about that?

Uh...

Good. Will the roads

- be treacherous? Yes. - Yes. - Yes!

- Maybe I shouldn't... - Will there

be foes at every turn?

- Most certainly. - Yes. Yes.

- I have a lot of enemies. - Don't like that.

But you are the only one that can save us.

Are you man enough?

Uh...

Good.

- He's my best friend. - Please.

No, I'm your best friend.

My hypnosis powers are buggered.

So I have to look elsewhere

to secure Gizmo's travel money.

Could this ruin the greatest friendship of my life?

- Seanie! - Hey.

Hey, Laz. What are you doing?! Get the "D" back!

I need to borrow your credit card and not tell you why.

You can't tell me why

you need to borrow my credit card?

No explanation necessary.

- Really? - You're my best friend.

Oh, Marone. Are you kidding me?

Fucking Knicks. They'll break your heart every time.

But I can't quit 'em. You know what I mean?

Yeah. - Hey, listen, you're gonna have

to pay me back, like,

right away. ASAP, okay?

'Cause the Patrick Ewing commemorative Discover Card,

that's for emergencies only.

Get it back soon. Listen, I trust you.

You're my main man. I'd die for you.

-- Thanks again.

Yeah, I know that collecting dirt is shit work, but...

I've never been to Europe before, so...

- Seanie. - Yeah.

The past 20 years have not always been easy.

We are trapped in an eternal limbo

at the Monaco Grand Hotel and Casino facility.

...our roses and our thorns.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, she already drank so much.

Our powers are waning, and our minds

are turning into a thick, lumpy soup.

Yes, you have to say you're...

It is like hot onion water.

And then you put that in my head and that's my brain now.

In the name

of Jesus Christ.

As the pages fall from the calendar,

we can do nothing but wait...

- No!

...amongst the broken tulips

in the Garden State.

Vow renewal

ceremonies.

Too long. They're too long.

And I pronounce you man and wife.

Pointless.

It has been weeks since any of us

have had even a moment of slumber.

It's actually been only, like, 14 hours,

but they get a little punchy

when they don't get their sleep.

Three, two, one.

- Cheese. - Cheese. Let's do it.

Cheese!

Okay, here we are in... jolly ole England.

I'm in London, mate.

Oh, that's not good.

Just got to get this dirt.

So I'm gonna put you guys down here.

I'm just here for British dirt for Laszlo.

All right.

Back on the plane.

This Big Bang Theory is really very good. - Bazinga.

Very faithful to the slot machine.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - For the last time,

can you turn this TV down?!

Laszlo can be a real Leonard sometimes,

- can't he? - Mm-hmm.

Laszlo is feeling very badly

for taking $7,539

from Sean for the airplane tickets.

Like a cheap thief.

- I need to sort this... - Yeah.

...and I need to sort it now.

Bazinga!

Shut up!

What are you doing, playing Ping-Pong or basketball?!

- Come on! - Seanie...

Yeah. Hey, Laz.

Good to see you.

Fuck! Fuck me!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Learn how to use the board!

Geez...

- Are you okay?

Listen, Laz, can I be honest with you?

Of course.

I used to have a...

big-time gambling problem.

- Right. - Like, big-time. You know, I promised Charmaine,

you know, I said, "Hey, listen, we go down to AC,

- I'll be good this time." - Right.

And then I have just blown all the money

that we were gonna use for the new deck.

And we still owe money for that stupid vow renewal.

And I've lost all of our money.

There's no money, Laz.

I got to make it back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

She's gonna leave me, Laz.

She's gonna leave me.

- Yeah, yeah.

What good is some soil from your homeland

when your best friend in the whole world is suffering?

Seanie...!

And then it hit me.

I know a few bambinos who are absolutely rolling

in the dough-re-mi.

Surely they won't miss a few clams.

Oh, this has been such a scream,

catching up with you old so-and-sos.

Unfortunately, I cannot hypnotize them

due to my weakened state. But...

I can definitely use my greatest non-vampiric power,

my irresistible charms.

How's about you guys give me all the money you have?

Hey, boys?

I don't think so, sugar.

You don't think so?

Well, I do think so!

'Cause if you don't empty your motherfucking wallets

right now, I'm going

to empty all of you of your lives!

Kill you! Kill you dead!

That's right.

Uh...

Just do it. She's... not well.

- Yeah. - Here you go, sugar. My sweet maraschino

- cherry babies. - Bye. - Yeah.

- Laszlo, get the fuck out of here. - Yeah, yeah. I say,

Mr. Sinatra,

forgive me, my mind's a little foggy, but...

last time I looked,

you weren't Chinese.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

I stand corrected.

You guys work with those people? I need that dough.

Here we go.

Okay.

$20.

$100. What?

This is about $300.

- Oh, fucking... - 300 shitting dollars!

My darling, don't explode,

but are you quite sure they're the real Rat Pack

that you met years ago?

What exactly are you trying to say?

Nothing. All good.

Hello. I'm in Greece.

Aeropuerto-- airport-- can we go to the airport, please?

Thank you.

Hey.

Look at that.

You got a couple Koothrappalis,

a Hofstadter, and four Wolowitzes.

Oh, and Penny. Not bad.

Do you know what I have been wondering, Colin Robinson?

- What's that? - Why do they call it The Big Bang Theory?

It's about the creation of the universe.

The what?

And in

a single instant,

my world was turned upside down.

...hence the Shaminovich-Cohen conjecture.

I-I gave him the broad strokes,

the heliocentric nuts and bolts,

uh, if you will.

Has nothing to do with cats, like you thought.

But what about the four elephants?

For 750 years,

I believed I knew the truth:

that the Earth rested upon the shoulders

of four mighty elephants...

Forget about the four elephants.

...who stood on a shell of a large and noble turtle.

Look at the turtle.

- Uh-huh. - And then

- four more elephants. -...around which

the sun and the moon and all the stars revolve.

But now, thanks to modern science,

Nandor understands that we're all just temporary aggregations

of dust and fluid

camping out on a big rock

that's just one of an infinite number

of equally unspecial

big rocks that make up part

of this vast and uncaring universe.

This is science.

- But this is a turtle. - The world

which I have known for seven and a half centuries...

is a lie.

Okay, so we're here at the border,

and he's just talking to the soldier.

While he's doing that, I'm gonna go...

Okay.

Just gonna get some dirt right here.

Just gonna get...

We got to go.

Hours pass,

but the cosmic words of Colin Robinson

are still bouncing around my slumberless head.

Really makes you think.

What's the point of it all?

What does it mean to be a vampire?

I mean, we have no real families.

Some of us don't even have girlfriends.

Even Sheldon had a girlfriend.

But me?

I am all alone,

floating through the cold, dark universe like...

a little grain of furry sand.

I got 'em.

One, two, three.

- I got them al... - Something to drink?

No, thank you!

I'm back! And I brought every--

What happened... here?

I have caused my best human friend Sean

to be on the brink of financial ruin and heartache.

We are just like my beloved Rat Pack--

once glorious, now pathetic peasants.

And, also, I have never felt

so small, and what is the point of anything?

They won't let me watch my favorite TV show

with the sound up.

Okay.

First things first, you need to slumber.

Huh? - Here you go. And while you're slumbering,

- I'll think of a plan. - But, first,

scatter the soil around our insignificant bodies.

No. First, turn up the sound on my fancy casino show.

- ♪ Roll the dice♪

♪ Spin that wheel♪

♪ Double down on a lucky deal♪

♪ Feel the breeze where♪

♪ The boardwalk meets the shore...♪

Before we get started, should we go around the group,

see how everyone's energy is doing?

- No. Fuck off. - Okay. Back to normal then.

So, at 6:47, I'm gonna go down to the box office.

I'm gonna buy our tickets for the fight.

- Yes, Guillermo, we've got it. - Okay, okay.

- Just want to make sure everyone knows what the plan is. - Honestly,

sometimes I just think you love the sound of your own voice.

You know what? Let's go.

Let's-let's do the plan.

I wasn't really listening, so if you wouldn't mind repeating it.

Master, what are you gonna do?

I am to meet my mark-- Eli Jackson the boxer--

by the main elevator at 6:52 in the p.m.'s.

Shit.

Going down.

Into my hypnotic trance.

- Laszlo? - At 6:55,

I hypnotize "Arturio" Rodriguez.

Mr. Rodriguez, could I have a self-portrait photograph?

Splendid.

Piece of piss.

It is 6:59.

Time to place a nice, simple bet.

Hello!

And in the red corner,

- heavyweight champion... And at 8:00 p.m., we all take our seats

at the fight.

Ten seconds into round six,

I trigger the hypnosis of the two

very large warrior men

by crying out...

♪ Ain't that a kick in the♪

♪ Head...?♪

- No!

- It worked! - Yes!

- Look at that! - Yes!

And that is why Frankie said that I should be the Voice.

23...

Benjamin Franklin.

A lot of people think he was president.

They're wrong. He was an ambassador.

24... Stay with me.

Stay-- I--

Shoot. Now I lost my spot.

- Uh, how does it...? - You have to step on it.

- I'm on. I'm on! - Just...

- What is happening? Am I flying? - Just hold on to this.

- Possessed by witches. - Nadja, turn around, turn around.

- Jump, jump, jump, jump. - Keep moving. Leap.

There he is. Sean.

Hey, Laz. What's going on?

A gentleman's debt,

repaid in full.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Laz, you're a lifesaver!

Thank you. You don't know what you just did.

I could kiss you. And I promise you,

I'm never, ever, ever gonna do this again.

- I promise you guys. That's it. I'm done. - Mm.

- I'm never gambling again. I'm a new man. - Good.

- Good man. - All right. You guys are lifesavers.

- Oh, thank God. - We just did such a wonderful thing, my love.

I think we did.

Put it all on lucky number 12!

♪ Life spins like a wheel♪

♪ You bet♪

♪ Just what you feel♪

♪ The chance♪

♪ Life is the chance...♪

I didn't want a pine deck, and now I'm stuck

with a freakin' pine deck.

Oh, that's a hell of a beaver.

- Charmaine... What the fuck? You bet the deck?

You did a very good job, Guillermo.

Oh. Thank you.

This is from all of us.

What-what is this?

Surprise.

"You are a very good familiar."

And "familiar" is crossed out and replaced with "bodyguard."

- You are the bodyguard. - Bodyguard.

We're all a big family here.

♪ With the turn of a card and the flip of a coin♪

♪ You're in love♪

♪ With the turn of a card, ha♪

♪ Flip of a coin, ha♪

♪ Ha, love!♪

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

I think this is gonna be the perfect place to work without distraction.

This place inspires us.

We're not safe here.

It takes pain to make beautiful things.

I'm trying to keep his family together

under very difficult circumstances

You're probably wondering what we're doing.

Short answer, saving the earth.

Again.

I'm not leaving without you.

I need something soft to land on.

We've heard rumors that some men survived.

Those people will jump at anything

that has a whiff of conspiracy.

So you'd better be sure.