Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Hi, I'm...

My-rie or miri?

It's miri.

Your last visit was September 2000.

I was in prison for 18 years.

Everyone deserves a second chance, even murderers.

Lara boback. Here's a tip.

If you're going to kill someone, don't kill a copper's daughter.

Thank you...

..For making me feel normal.

Thank you.

It's not that easy dating when everyone thinks you're a psychopath.

I don't.

Why did my dad give you a black eye?

Miri?

Sweetheart?

You and Lara - you were such good friends.

I did not have sex with mr boback, which I was accused of today.

Erm, I think it was Mandy that was shagging him.

Mandy!

Did you lie and tell her I was sleeping with her dad?

I didn't want her to hate me.

Get out of there and I'll fucking kill you!

It was a long time ago and...

..And I'm ready - I'm ready to move on.

I found my crimper.

You look like one of them animals... I love it.

Erm, what are they called? Janice?

Yeah, right, erm, ok, six weeks out.

How are you coping with life outside the facility?

All good. I am on it like a car bonnet.

Well, I ain't writing that down.

Then just say "all good". Right.

Are you currently in employment?

Well, you got me that trial at the supermarket tomorrow.

Yes, I know, miri. This is a form, yeah? Christ!

Calm down.

I have not had any protein this morning, so... yeah? Ok.

Current living arrangement?

I won't be there much longer.

What, the palace too big for you?

Too much hot water and gold leaf?

The queen fucked my ex-boyfriend.

Oh, yeah.

Erm, do you have a good support network? No, not really.

Yes! Yeah, well, I've got... I've got friends.

Well, I've got a friend. I've got... there's Billy.

Billy? What, boyfriend? No.

Well, not... Not yet. So you haven't even... no. Please!

And what about that girl? What's her name?

Mandy?

What about her?

Have you seen her... Since?

No, and I don't intend to ever again.

Do you know the story about that hamster under the carpet?

Oh, my god, if this is one of your dirty jokes... no!

Guy puts his hamster under the carpet...

Why would he do that? I don't know!

Anyway, he can't handle it, so he puts it there, trips up.

Dies.

You're hangry.

Yes, I am. I need a sausage or something.

And I have not put a hamster under the carpet.

That's what you think.

Oh, my god, can you just get back to the form?

Deal with it or you're going to fall over, yeah?

I am dealing with myself right now, ok?

Things are good. I am moving on.

Excellent. Moving on? Yeah.

With no best friend,

a guy you like but you haven't even seen his cocky yet,

no real job, you don't want to live at the palace any more,

but you still live there.

Boom! Anything else? No, that's everything. Thank you.

And things could get worse. Or they could get better.

No, in my experience they usually get worse -

much, much worse.

I'm so sorry, miri.

I've just got this deep sense of foreboding.

It's probably just my period. You need to eat something.

Yes, you're right, I do, but what is there? What have I got?

Something in here? Please let some...

Well, this is not strictly a protein, but I do love me some...

Don't... Noodles.

Hm.

Geri.

Go away.

You look nice.

Have you got a new job?

Answer your mother.

No.

This is getting silly, miri.

You slept with dom.

Your wife slept with dom.

Oh, we can't live like this.

You haven't spoken to me in three weeks.

This is ridiculous.

We are out of detergent.

Just talk to us.

I will be leaving this house soon.

What? It has become increasingly clear that...

..We can no longer cohabit so I shall be leaving...

Well...

..I'm going to be earning soon, so, er, yeah, I'll get my own place

and then we don't have to do this any more.

What place? She can't afford anywhere.

She's going to go to some godawful squat just to spite me.

She's not going anywhere.

We always knew this was temporary.

She's an adult and we want her to have her own life.

Then we can have this whole place to ourselves again.

Just you and me and a well-stacked dishwasher.

It's always there...

..Gently thudding in the background.

You get used to it.

I'm ok. I play golf.

I sail.

My wife and I go to church.

We exist...

..And then suddenly you're hit.

Winded.

You can't believe that you were ever ok.

It's a life sentence.

It's the rage I find the hardest.

Fury that she gets to live, walk around, be free.

Begin a life when she took my little girl from me.

A life I created.

She stole that.

And I want to stop her.

Halt her.

Destroy her.

You can't do that, can you?

And you can't bring the dead back to life.

Thank you for sharing, erm...

Oh, you don't have a name badge.

Sir?

Killed anyone yet?

Oh. Do you remember me?

Oh, yeah.

I am so, so, so happy that it's you.

Angela says I'm in charge of you.

I'm your mentor/namaste.

Do you mean Nemesis?

Yeah. I'm Angela's eyes and ears, ok?

So it's kind of up to me if you get the job or not. Yay!

Well done on... on the moustache

cos they're quite hard to grow, aren't they?

Stack that.

Aisle 13.

But before you start, could you just, erm,

go the stockroom and ask Geoff if he's got a "glass hammer"?

A glass hammer? Yeah.

Sure.

He's always got something to do, hasn't he? So purposeful.

My only purpose is to be the town pariah.

I don't know why I'm talking to you, you hate me more than anyone.

I wonder if he'll notice I didn't rinse the tomato tin.

Caroline!

Women laugh

..like this.

I'm sorry, but do you know where the washing powder is? Oh, god, so...

Oh! Yes, it's me.

It's me. I'm just pretending to be a customer. Oh.

But I do need washing powder, so... Oh, god, I literally just started,

so I don't know where it... oh, sorry, sorry. I'm showing you up.

I changed my mind. I don't want it any more.

So what... what's this?

I panicked. I wanted to look like a realistic shopper. Wow. Yeah.

Thank you for coming. Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to see you in action, that's all.

Well, here I am... yeah... Stacking some shelves in a shop. Yeah.

Ah, well, I just wanted to see you, your face, so...

Still here. Yes, it is.

Ah, yeah, no, no, no. It's fine.

Erm, right, so I should let you work. Ok. Well, yeah.

I need to impress them so that they employ me properly. Right.

Good luck. Thank you. All right.

Thanks for... Yeah, sure... Saying hi.

Well, goodbye. See you. See you soon. Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later.

Sandwich! Sandwiches! What?

I like... I haven't had a sandwich.

We could have a sandwich at lunch today? Yeah, yeah, I'd love that.

Yeah, yeah. On the beach bench?

I could... we could share a sandwich on the... I could make them. Yes!

Yes. I can. Ok. I've made them before so... oh. Yeah, yeah.

Ok, good. So I'll see you at one? 1? Yes, it's a date.

Yeah, well, it's not, because I'm... I'm newly widowed. Oh, god, no.

I didn't mean it in a... I was... That was a joke.

That was a it could have been a joke. Ok, but it's not.

I know it's not. I know. Yeah, it's the truth.

What did Geoff say?

Oh, Geoff...

..Geoff said that, erm, glass hammers don't exist

because they would break if you tried to use them.

Yeah.

You got me.

Now imagine a peaceful sea.

Somewhere beautiful.

Keypad beeps

somewhere safe and warm.

A place where you feel relaxed and free.

Take your time to picture the details of a scene

using all your senses.

Close your eyes and take a moment to settle into your environment...

..Into your body...

..Into your breath.

Can you hear the birds singing?

The waves lapping gently on the shore?

Brrr! In my head, it wasn't quite this freezing.

Yeah. Lovely sandwich, though.

Mmm.

We didn't have many sandwiches in prison.

Really? Oh.

Well, you'd think they'd be everywhere. Yeah.

No, I know, but... no?

No.

Oh, look...

..For you.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, I found it packing.

No, Billy!

It's old, but it does the job

and it means that we can, erm, stay in touch if you like.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Does it have snake on it? Yes, it does. Ohhh!

Mandy and I used to have these competitions.

Yeah. And I'd always...

Yeah.

Ugh! Anyway.

Are you ok?

Yes. Yeah, I'm fine.

Is it the sandwiches? Too... too gloopy?

No, they're lovely. It's all lovely. Everything's lovely.

Hmm.

You know, Anna always used to say, "never hold it in.

"Let it out, otherwise it turns to poison."

She would just fling open the bedroom windows

and roar it to the night sky.

Miri, if there's something bothering you... nothing is bothering me.

It's just... Can you just drop it, please?

I'm sorry.

No. No, I mean it's...

..It's fine.

I've got gardens to do anyway.

Catch you later.

Mandy!

Knocking continues Mandy!

I need Mandy. She's at school.

No, no, I went to school. They said she was at home.

She went to school. They said you were at home. Fuck's sake, mark.

Shit.

I... I think she's at school. Mandy!

Tell her to go away.

Go away.

I forgive you. I forgive you.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Yes, I do! Look, you have ruined the last 18 years of my life

and I'm not letting you fuck up the rest, so I forgive you.

Look, of course you don't. Shut the door, mark.

Don't you just... no.

Argh! How dare you?! I just forgave you.

That is so rude, Mandy munther. What a rude woman you are!

Sorry.

Phone rings

yes?

I dealt with the hamster. What?

I just forgave Mandy, and she had the balls to not accept it.

An alpaca, you look like an alpaca!

Excuse me, but that is pretty extraordinary of me.

It shows great strength of character.

Oh, my god, why can't you get a therapist?

I don't need a therapist. I do.

Look, you didn't mean it and she smelt it.

Ugh! If you're going to forgive her, then you've got to do it.

You've got to Michelle Obama her good and proper.

Rise above or stay angry forever. It's your bed.

Her lie has fucked up my entire life,

so I'm sorry if I can't Michelle Obama her.

Where was Michelle Obama when I wanted someone to Michelle Obama me?

Probably in America and, anyway, it's none of your business.

It literally is my business.

Think about it.

Your mate got manipulated by a bent copper when she was 17.

Now, 90% of the women that I deal with have been fucked up by men.

And these men, they get away with it.

Honest to god, if I didn't love cocky so much,

I would not have sex with men just to punish them.

Janice! This is a quality poom poom, miri. Fucking hell.

Er, sit down.

Sit.

When you load a dishwasher,

it is of utmost importance that you maximise the capacity.

A plate at an angle uses up three places...

Not now, dad, please.

Whilst you're still living in this house,

you need to live by our rules.

And it is our responsibility to the planet to load it properly.

Oh, man in hythe is stacking his dishwasher correctly,

it's going to unmelt the arctic.

Oh, miri matteson, you're worse than a teenager,

you're the terrible twos. Oscar. No, I've had enough!

We understand that you're angry, but it's been...

I'm not like you, dad. I can't just pretend nothing happened.

What is wrong with you?

I'm not pretending.

I'm moving forward.

Well, it's really weird.

Your mother and I cannot continue to live in such a hostile environment.

Me neither.

Good. Good. Good.

You spoke of second chances and everyone making mistakes -

well, maybe you should listen to yourself

and stop being such a sulky twat!

Twat?

What is a twat?

Hi, it's Billy. Please leave a message.

Phone rings

I thought it was a trendy word for idiot.

I had no idea it was gynaecological.

Are we ok?

Yeah, why wouldn't we be?

Well... we're marvellous.

Everything is marvellous.

Talking of gynaecological...

Er, but miri's right,

one man and his dishwasher does not a movement make.

We need community action. What?

There are no local environmental groups in this town. Not one.

It's pathetic.

Social media, here I come.

Right, I'm going to have a shower.

Then I'm going to design my logo, "make hythe clean".

What are you going to do? Oh, busy. Busy.

Water splashes argh!

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you.

What are you doing? We have the house to ourselves.

We can do whatever we want. But there's soap on my...

It doesn't matter. Oh, how do we do it? I'm...

..I'm standing up. Like this.

Ow! Caroline? What? My vagina!

Miri matteson to aisle four.

Miri matteson... Oh, fuck's sake... To aisle four.

She gasps

I need to ask you something. Yes.

Was my husband...

..With Mandy?

I think... was he?

Yes.

Ok.

He had me put on valium. I was mad, apparently.

Christ.

Please don't think that me...

..Existing is me forgetting...

..What I did.

I have hated you for so long.

Despised you.

Of course.

But I can't do that any more.

We all owe it to Lara to finally live our lives.

I've left him.

I was never here.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Whoo! You're leaving before your shift's up?

Not good for a trial week. Angela is going to hate that.

Ok, do you want to do this? What?

Because I'm not doing it yet, but I can start.

Oooh. I'm scared.

I am adept at dealing with conflict in a confined space.

I did it for 18 years when I was in prison for murder.

So if you want me to be your enemy, then I can start now.

Do you want that? No.

Ok, so what are you going to say to Angela?

Just that you were focused and punctual

and you never left early. Good.

See you soon, you stupid little cunt.

Seen better 'taches in prison, by the way.

Women's prison.

It's ovarian cancer.

Or stomach.

And I'm going to die.

Let's not jump to conclusions. At least chemotherapy will give me

somewhere to be once a week. Caroline!

Mrs matteson?

So it looks like your chlamydia was left untreated for too long

and you've developed pelvic inflammatory disease.

So, she's not dying?

No, but you do need to take it easy, especially at your age.

Sorry?

You need to take antibiotics and refrain from intercourse.

We will do that, doctor.

Er, thank you.

Well, at least your twat's ok.

It just needs a rest.

We can watch more documentaries.

Oh.

Or something else. Caroline, you should be happy.

That's it now.

That's what we're doing.

Waiting to die.

No, we're not.

We're together.

What do you want?

I don't know.

Fuck you, Caroline. I gave you everything.

And I forgave you everything.

What more do you want from me?

Hi, is Mandy here?

Er, no, no, she's not.

You are a terrible liar, mark.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

No. No. Mandy!

I saw Lara's mum.

She wasn't with him, but she knows.

Oh, Christ. No, no.

We are doing this.

Ok, you're right.

I don't forgive you.

I can't.

I probably can't, because... Because I don't know how to.

I understand.

Cos what you did...

I know, I know.

But we have to work it out for Lara.

We can't waste any more time.

And I... I can't waste any more of my life.

And also I need somewhere to stay before I kill my fucking parents.

God, yeah, of course.

Whatever you need.

Mark screams

oh, right. Oh, god, sorry.

Oh, I misjudged the situation.

I thought that she was going to, erm... no!

Fucking hell, mark.

Can I just say that you really took your time?

Yeah. Because if I had been coming up here to...

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, yeah.

I was a bit nervous and it was my first time.

And I didn't know what to use as a, er...

..As a weapon.

So you chose a waffle maker?

I panicked.

Right, mark. Make up the spare room.

Oh, who for? Her? Really? Fuck. Ok.

Really? Yeah. Ok, ok.

Yeah, erm...

..I like your hair.

Thanks. You look just like a mermaid.

Yes!

Phone beeps

you have one new message.

Apparently, that little shit, Phil, told Angela

you were focused and punctual.

Gave you a real rave. So, congratulations, the job is yours!

Lie back and let all thoughts of the outside world float away.

Close your eyes and gently focus on your breath.

And now breathe in...

..And then out.

In...

..And slowly out.

With each out breath, let all your fears and worries ebb away.

You are warm.

You are safe.

This is your safe space.