Original subtitles

- Lastly, on a personal note,

as many of you know,

Kevin and I have recently reconciled.

- Noice. Somebody's getting some.

- It's true. I am. Now, when we originally wed,

we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal,

so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.

- Do you, Kevin-- - Yes.

- And do you-- - Yes. Yes, we do.

We're married.

Kevin has always regretted it,

so we're having a vow renewal ceremony.

This time, we're pulling out all the stops.

It's will be a truly extravagant affair.

- Oh, how extravagant are we talking?

Champagne pyramid? - Destination wedding?

- Celebrity officiant?

- We got the salad forks.

Can you believe it, a second fork?

Who do we think we are?

Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is.

Now I don't even wanna tell you

the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.

- Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?

- Don't be absurd. We're not crazy.

No, the big surprise is...

I'm retiring from the NYPD.

- Wait.

- What?

- Why did you lead with the salad forks?

♪

- You're leaving the NYPD?

- My preoccupation with my job

has been a point of contention with Kevin for some time now.

I wanna show him that our relationship comes first.

- But, sir, it's too soon for you to retire.

We didn't even get to do one final cool case together.

The last thing we worked

was finding that kid's missing mitten.

- I thought that was rewarding and poignant.

- It was boring as crap!

- What were you hoping for otherwise?

- I'm so glad you asked.

We hunt down a serial killer, stare death in the face,

and then in the final battle, you save my life

and I say to you, "How can I ever repay you?"

And you say, "You already have."

Then you jump on your motorcycle,

drive off, never to be seen again.

- I don't have a motorcycle, but Kevin and I

did just purchase recumbent bicycles.

- you, Captain Holt.

- Anyway, I already have

a cool final case

the police reform proposal that Santiago and I

have been toiling over for these past six months.

- Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy.

She's gonna be devastated.

- Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you.

I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal.

We can tell her after we turn the report in.

Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.

- Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.

- What about that time you spent $1,000

on a Patrick Ewing Top Shot?

- That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her.

But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot

is currently worth--oh, no.

I will keep your secret for $992.

- Deal. - Great, let's lie to my wife.

- Ah, hello.

Thank you for coming early to help out.

There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top.

I mean, look at the napkins.

We're going with a pretty whimsical fold...

lengthwise.

- That is...funny.

- The intent was whimsy, not humor.

Now you have me doubting everything.

Where's--where's Raymond?

- You know what? I'll go find him.

I got something I wanna ask him anyway.

There you are. Why are you hiding?

- Oh, I was just looking at pornography.

I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.

- What?

- Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.

- And that's worse than watching porn?

- Much worse.

Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.

But I just received an email from my contact

at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.

- Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done,

can you please tell Amy you're retiring?

I don't like lying to her.

- So then you told her about the Top Shot?

- I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment

in The Rock's new cryptocurrency,

which is currently worth--

oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?

- We can't tell her. Things aren't settled.

The brass is having a closed-door meeting today

about our reform proposal, but apparently,

the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.

- That's crazy.

Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers.

Sometimes I think she loves them more than me.

Stupid numbers, think they're so great.

I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

- I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now.

I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled

"Handyman fixes squeaky door, customer."

- Oh, my God.

- What? This isn't correct.

Somebody changed these since last night.

- Wait.

I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system.

Do you know what this means?

- They're trying to kill... - Jake and Holt...

- Police reform. - Have a final case.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Two equally important sets of stakes.

- He claims you messed with the numbers?

That son of a bitch.

- I would never fabricate numbers.

I love numbers.

- Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

- So what are we gonna do? - I have a plan.

We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers

if we find this. - What is that, a bed?

- No, that's a cheese grater. - It's his computer.

Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.

Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer

thanks to his YouTube rants about the NHL.

- This is "Islanders Talk,"

can hockey have female fans?

- Yeah, he's not a good person.

Anyway, those videos are taken in the "man cave"

in O'Sullivan's basement,

so that's gotta be where his laptop is.

Holt and I will be infiltrating his house and retrieving it.

- How are you gonna get past him?

- He won't be home.

We're gonna lure him out using his one weakness.

- Rare Billy Joel memorabilia sale?

- Oh, that's nice, hear. - Ah.

- O'Sullivan will meet with an ex-roadie

named Geronimo Rodriguez,

who will actually be an undercover Terry Jeffords,

our resident Billy Joel superfan.

- It was one time.

You caught me lip-synching to "Uptown Girl" one time.

- Nope, he's your favorite singer; everybody knows it.

- And you're the only one

O'Sullivan hasn't interacted with.

If he stumps you, Santiago will be nearby,

feeding you Billy Joel facts into your ear.

- You guys need to keep him busy

and then use a piece of fake memorabilia

to get a fingerprint we can use to unlock his laptop.

- What am I doing? - You, Charles, and Scully

will be here, distracting Kevin

and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.

- And who will be on Cheddar duty?

- I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?

- Bone?

Bone? - Yeah.

- Bone?

Cheddar's not some street rat.

This is never gonna work. - Yes, it will.

Just give me 90 minutes, and I promise

I will get you back in time for your vows.

- Fine, but if there are any complications, I pull the plug.

The ceremony is too important.

Kevin cannot find out what we're up to.

- He won't, I promise.

- Raymond?

What are you all doing in here?

- Peralta's watching porn.

- What? - What?

- Peralta's watching a handyman

repair a squeaky door and then his customer.

- Is that true, Jake?

♪

- Yes.

- I wish I could say I was surprised.

♪

- Told you it was a great cover.

- Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma,

we need undercover personas.

I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell,

international playboy and black ops specialist.

He'd had affairs on every continent,

but his true mistress is danger.

- I thought you learned your lesson

about turning police work into movies.

- Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform.

I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?

- The only movie I wanna see

is called "The World of Mosses."

It's a documentary about the world of mosses.

- It sounds bad.

- Now, we will go in dressed

as gas company employees named Mitch and Henry.

- Ugh. At least tell me I'm Henry.

Hello, ma'am. We're from the gas company.

My name is...

Mitch.

- Okay, this is how we'll get

fast-drying dental resin.

O'Sullivan touches this,

leaves an imprint, and we have a mold,

Which we use to make a fake finger that will fool

99% of biometric scanners.

Pretty sweet, right? - I gotta say,

I thought Holt retiring would crush your mood, but it hasn't.

- Wait.

Holt's retiring? - You knew that.

He said he would tell you when you handed in

your reform proposal,

and you handed it in, and he told you.

- No, he didn't.

- Okay, well, then I just told you.

But you're still taking it well.

Amy?

Amy!

O'Sullivan just texted.

He'll be here in three. You gotta hide!

Um...

I'm just gonna pick you up and carry you like furniture, okay?

♪

- Look alive. Kevin's on your six.

- Do you know where Raymond is? - Yes, I do.

He's, um...

Come on, Scully. Think of something.

- Think of something. What does that mean?

- Cheddar did it. - Cheddar, I know

you wanted us to go with the other vase.

I have a different aesthetic sense than you,

and it's my day.

Sorry you had to witness that. I will get a broom.

- Scully, tail him.

Well, that should keep him busy for a bit.

- That was smart, but I don't think

we should mess with Cheddar too much.

- Why not? He's an animal.

- Animals can be very vengeful, Rosa.

- Is this about Lieutenant-- - Of course it's about

Lieutenant Peanut Butter. - Yeah.

- So here's the shutoff to the main line.

- Thank you very much, ma'am.

Okay, to get into the basement,

we're gonna have to distract her,

so here's what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm.

Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is,

"the pressure builds and builds

and it just needs a little...release."

You don't have to make that sound,

but if I were you, I definitely would.

- No one will be talking about release

or making the sound of a rodent in labor.

- It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

- We just have to get the laptop

so I can get back to Kevin.

You will simply approach her and say...

- Ma'am, I need to check your water heater in the basement

to make sure there's no leaks or blockages to the gas line.

- You should maybe come back later when my son is home.

He's better at this stuff.

- Oh, it's just a quick check.

- The answer is no.

- Sorry about him.

He's a little abrasive.

The name is Maxwell Maxwell.

- Carol.

- You see, the thing about gas lines is,

the pressure just builds and builds.

Sometimes...it just needs a little release.

- Well, we wouldn't want that.

You can go down to the basement now, Mitch.

- Yeah, sounds good. Have fun, you two.

- Amy, look alive. He's here.

- You the guy selling the memorabilia?

- Oh, yeah. - Where did you get this stuff?

- I used to haul amps for him. - Yeah? Which tours?

- The, you know--

- Oh, Terry, I'm not ready to say goodbye.

- I'm Not Ready to Say Goodbye tour.

- Never heard of that one. - You haven't? That's weird.

Maybe you just weren't paying attention.

- Sorry. I'm on Billy Joel's wiki now.

- I've done other tours too, like...

- Innocent Man and The Bridge.

- Okay. What's in the box?

- An early draft of the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."

- "Eisenhower, vaccine, side salad, mixed greens."

What is this?

- Well, I guess, while he was writing the song,

he must have accidently included his lunch order.

Anyway, that's 10K.

- Oh.

What's the sticky stuff? - Yes.

- I grabbed that out of the trash in his dressing room.

It must be gum. Look, I'm so sorry.

Just let me have that back.

- Ah-ah, not so fast.

This has been in William Martin Joel's mouth.

His tongue touched this.

- Wait. What's happening?

- What's this, now? - That is $10,000.

And I'm keeping the gum.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- A grown adult with a man cave.

This is so embarrassing.

Oh, my God, he has root beer on tap.

♪

Okay, everything is all--

what am I looking at?

- Your friend here was very clumsy

and he spilled on himself.

- Well, we got everything we needed, but I can wait

if Maxwell needs a little more time to dry off.

- No, no, no, I'm all dry now. We can leave.

- Oh, wait, let me give you my number.

I only have the landline,

so if my son, Frankie, answers, hang up.

He gets a little jealous.

- Not to worry, Mrs. O'Sullivan.

Maxwell Maxwell is nothing if not discreet.

- Not discreet enough.

- Okay, look, I don't know

what kind of freaky stuff you guys are into,

but I want no part of it.

- Let's just try to stay calm.

I think you're making a big mistake here.

- No, I'm not. He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan.

That was my name three marriages ago.

I'm Carol Shaughnessy now.

If he's calling me Mrs. O'Sullivan,

it's 'cause he knows who my son is

and you're up to something.

- Carol, baby.

- Don't "baby" me. Get down in the basement.

- Well, I always like going down.

- I said move. I'm calling my son.

- Feel like she considered it.

- We're locked in.

If she gets in touch with O'Sullivan, it's over.

- Wait. She said she doesn't have a cell phone.

That means if we can tie up her landline,

she can't call anyone.

- Hey, what did you do with the phone?

- Smart, but we're still trapped down here.

Does that smile mean you know a way out?

- Hmm? Oh, no, I was just...

thinking about how you were about

to hook up with that old lady.

But no, yeah, we're totally screwed.

- - That's odd.

He only barks like that when he's worried about Raymond.

- Oh, Cheddar's not worried about Holt.

I saw him eat a shrimp off the platter earlier.

I bet he just wants more.

- Hmm, Cheddar doesn't usually indulge in shrimp.

He considers it bougie. Speaking of indulging,

the gray boutonniere should've arrived by now, hmm.

- Oh, Lord.

- See? Cheddar almost blew our cover.

I told you not to mess with him.

- Charles, he smelled food and he wanted to eat it.

He's a dog, not a super villain.

- I don't know, he's really staring you down right now.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Watch this.

♪

- Sucker. - Hmm.

- Wait, wait! I want that back.

I was only selling the lyrics.

If I knew about the gum, I would've charged you more.

- Ah, a bunch of bunk.

You set a price, I hit the bid. End of story.

- Terry, if we don't get that fingerprint,

we won't be able to open his laptop

and they'll kill our reform program.

- Please! I really need that gum.

- You can beg all you want. A deal is a deal.

- Oh, God, it's all falling apart.

Everything good in my life... - Look, you don't understand

how special this is, so you don't

deserve to have it. - Happened when he showed up.

I mean, Jake is only... - I can't even believe

you worked for William Martin Joel...

- The mostly mature man that he is because of Holt...

- And rummaged through his trash.

- So he'll backslide, and then our marriage will fall apart.

- So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- And our son will grow up in a broken home.

- Oh, my God, enough! You need to move on!

- Are you talking to me? - You talking to me?

- Yeah, I'm talking to you.

You need to move on.

- From Captain Holt? - From Billy Joel?

- It's not healthy to have your entire identity

wrapped up in another person.

- I know, but Raymond Holt... - I know, but Billy Joel...

Taught me everything.

- But look what it's doing to you.

Just look at yourself right now.

- I guess I am kind of messing up this mission.

- I guess I could use the money

for the bank so they don't take my ma's house.

- Thank you, Terry.

- Thank you, Geronimo Rodriguez.

- All right, look, all's not lost.

I have the laptop. We just need to get in touch

with someone from the Nine-Nine so they can get us out of here.

Give me your phone. - I left it back at the venue

so Kevin couldn't track it and know I was gone.

Use yours. - Mine's dead.

I used up all the battery mining for MetsCoin.

It's the first cryptocurrency that is also the Mets?

I don't know what I'm doing in this space.

- Use the landline. Call Santiago.

- Great idea. Okay.

Just one problem. I don't know her number.

- How can you not know your own wife's phone number?

- It's saved in my phone.

Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb

by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.

- Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either,

except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.

- How do you not know a single phone number?

I've literally watched you memorize the entire

terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.

- True, but to make room for important information

like that, I regularly purge my brain

of useless facts like phone numbers

or the names of people's children.

- But you know the name of my son, right?

- The little guy has his mother's eyes.

- Yeah.

- Rough night with the little guy?

Oh, hello there, the little guy.

- How did I never see that? Am I a bad detective?

- We don't have time to go into that.

- It would've been much faster to just say,

"No, you're great." - Ah, what are we gonna do?

- All right, look, there's one number

I still have memorized that could help,

my middle school friend Mikey J.'s old landline.

- Do you have any reason to believe

that Mikey J. still resides there?

- Well, we were in a ska band together in high school,

so I'm thinking the odds are good.

- Okay, here's your resin. Do your magic.

- You're not gonna scold me for almost ruining the mission?

- No, Amy, I get it.

But look, you don't need Holt to succeed.

You are the most capable person I know.

- Thanks, Terry.

Now, let's go get this mold to Jake and Holt.

- What are you doing?

- I thought you could carry me again.

It was very comforting.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Terry. I love you.

- Have you seen Cheddar?

The officiant is wondering how he'd like to be introduced.

- Uh, no. I haven't seen him.

- Hmm. Cheddar.

- I have a bad feeling about this.

Cheddar is up to something.

- Come on. -

- Oh, no! - Cheddar.

- Oh, hi, Kevin. Found Cheddar.

- Oh, my God, Raymond is on a case.

♪

- You sick son of a bitch.

- Come on, Mrs. Joseph.

I was at your house all the time.

Remember, you caught us wearing your bras

so we could practice unclasping them?

Hello. Hello.

Ugh. What?

You have no idea what it's like taking bras off.

You had it so easy growing up gay.

- The ceremony's about to start

and O'Sullivan's about to come home and catch us.

It seems the reform proposal is as dead as my marriage.

- I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

I was so desperate for us

to have one last cool case together

that I forced you into this.

- No, Jake.

The truth is... I enjoyed it.

I had fun being Maxwell Maxwell.

- Yes. I knew it was a good idea.

- And I hate myself for it.

- Damn it. I interjected too soon.

- It makes me scared that... I'm not ready to retire,

no matter how much I want to for Kevin's sake.

I mean, clearly,

there's a part of me that still wants to work cases.

What if I'm making the wrong choice?

- It's completely understandable

that you would feel that way.

You've devoted your whole life to this.

It's who you are.

But you're also Kevin's husband.

- What would you do? -

I'm not sure.

But I know that when things are hard,

I talk them through with Amy.

And just being with her, looking into her eyes,

everything that seemed so complicated

becomes simple.

And then... I just know.

- What's that?

- That's O'Sullivan. He's coming home.

- NYPD. Step away from the door.

- Wait, that voice.

- Neighbors reported seeing two men enter

from an unmarked van, then heard yelling.

- There's been a misunderstanding, Officer.

- You are under arrest, punk.

- You jags are so screwed.

- I love your hat.

- Kevin, I'm sorry.

I will never forgive myself for working today.

I want you to know that this will be my last assignment

for the NYPD.

I'm retiring.

- Well, that seems like an extreme reaction.

- No, I want this--for us.

- That's not for us.

I never wanted you to give up your career.

Putting our relationship first

doesn't mean you can't have anything else in your life.

It just means prioritizing me over stupid little stuff.

- Like returning lost mittens to dumb kids.

- No, that actually sounds quite rewarding.

- Really?

- This reform program is not a little thing.

It could fundamentally change the police.

I just wish you had told me

so I could've helped from the start.

- I'm so sorry.

- Apology accepted.

Now, let's get that laptop to One Police Plaza.

- No.

There's something I need to do first.

- We are gathered here to affirm the marriage

of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.

- We don't have to do this.

Everyone who's not family has already gone home,

and we need to hurry.

- No, this is important.

Kevin Cozner...

when we first got married,

I thought of it primarily as a legal contract,

which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code

301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.

- And yet he can't remember Mac's name.

- But I finally learned what marriage really is.

It's not something you can memorize

or an equation you can solve for.

It's the feeling you get

when you look in your partner's eyes.

And that feeling is all that matters.

Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18

from my memory so that I will have room

to remember this moment forever.

♪

It's done. - Oh, Raymond.

- Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live

in this marriage for richer or poorer,

through sickness and in health

as long as you two both shall live?

- I do. - And, Kevin--

- Yes, yes, we're still married.

We really have to go.

♪

- I've just come back from One Police Plaza,

and I have some good news.

- The union voted and O'Sullivan's out?

- No, he was reelected for life,

which I didn't think was technically possible.

But the good news is, the commissioner has approved

our police reform program

and will be implementing it citywide.

- Citywide? - Wow!

- That's amazing. - Yes, I know. It is exciting.

But there's no guarantee that it'll work.

There's a lot of resistance to change.

Nevertheless, it's our duty to try

because if we don't,

then we are truly lost.

Which is why I will not be retiring.

I have been appointed deputy commissioner of police reform.

- Wow! Congratulations, sir.

- Thank you, and since I don't want work to consume my life

and this is a big job, so I will need some help,

which is why I'd like to bring you along, Santiago,

with a well-deserved promotion to chief.

If you're interested. - Wait, what?

I'm gonna be a chief?

- Terry, you might wanna step aside,

'cause there's a dork dance a-coming.

- Oh, damn. - Whoo! Yes!

Gonna be a chief.

- We share a marital bed.

♪

He's down.

- Good.

So...

what do you think about this new job?

- I think you gotta take it.

I mean, first of all, it's a huge promotion,

so cha-ching, but more importantly,

it's the culmination of all your hard work

and a chance to make a real impact.

And also, cha-ching.

- What's with all the cha-chings?

Oh, no. You bought something dumb.

- No, I invested in something dumb.

It's an NFT of Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles

eating pizza.

But not to worry, because it is currently worth--

oh, no, what happened to TurtleBucks?

- Jake, I'm serious.

I don't know if I can do this job

and still be an equal parent.

I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac on the odd days?

And who's gonna bathe him on the even days?

And who's gonna do the cooking? And who's gonna figure out--

- Ames, we'll figure all that stuff out.

- How can you be so sure?

- I just know.

♪

- Not a doctor. Shh.