Original subtitles

You there, which way to Pepperinge Eye?

Couldn't say, sir.

It said on the wireless to paint out the signposts in case the Nazis drop in.

I'm not a Nazi. I'm a British officer.

That's what you'd say if you was a Nazi, isn't it, sir?

Drive on, Corporal.

Sorry to give you so many, but you do have six bedrooms.

Oh, no trouble, my dear.

Anything to get the poor things away from those terrible bombings in London.

Come along, love. Let's go.

Hey, what about us?

Oh, yes. What is your name, please?

Rawlins, ma'am.

Rawlins? Rawlins?

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Carrie, Charles, Paul.

Well, you're for Miss Price. I'm expecting' her in.

I won't be a moment. Please, don't touch anything.

Call out the tanks

From the Cliffs of Dover

call up the Gauls

And don't forget the loyal territorials

Who's digging in here?

Who will defend

every inch of England no matter what they send?

Who's standing firm in our own front yard?

The soldiers of the old home guard

That's who

The soldiers of the old home guard

For we wrote the story of the old brigade

We know the glory of yesterday's parades

Who's standing firm in our own front yard?

The soldiers of the old home guard

That's who

The soldiers of the old home guard

Parade, halt.

Carry on, Sergeant.

Captain Greer, sir, from headquarters at Tidbury,

here to check military preparations in the area.

Tell them Pepperinge Eye has matters well in hand.

But nevertheless, I...

What on earth is that?

Good morning, General.

I received your message, Mrs. Hobday. I assume that my parcel has arrived.

It's in the office.

Ah, lovely.

Who is that?

Miss Price, splendid woman.

Her late father served with me at Vimy Ridge.

What's she burn in this thing? It smells a bit like sulfur.

Ridiculous. One can't make motor fuel out of sulfur.

Here we are.

Another object from Professor Emelius Browne in London.

Thank you.

Is it what you expected?

I imagine so.

Professor Browne sent you a cat last time, did he not?

Yes.

Professor Browne is well?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Are we to have the pleasure of meeting him?

I very much doubt it. I don't know Professor Browne personally.

- Was there something else? - As a matter of fact, there is.

Would you come this way, Miss Price?

Well, I'm very anxious to get home, you know.

Come along, please.

Get down, Charlie. I want to ride.

Stop it this instant!

Children, this is Miss Price.

Carrie, Charles, and Paul Rawlins. All the way from London.

- How do you do? - How are you, miss?

The government's trying to evacuate

as many children as possible into the country.

Very sensible.

Today they sent us 45.

And I've had to find homes for all of them at very short notice.

These are the last three.

All right, children, pick up your things.

You're not suggesting that I should take these children into my house?

Exactly.

Oh, I'm sorry, but that's quite out of the question.

Children and I don't get on.

I believe you, miss. Come on, back to London.

Hurray!

Be quiet.

Besides, I have work to do, very important work.

Miss Price, you do have that entire house to yourself.

And according to the order of the Ministry of Civil Defense,

you have no choice.

I see.

Very well, if that is the case,

I shall take them into my house with the understanding

that you find a more suitable home as soon as possible.

Fine, come along.

Ah! Good morning, Miss Price.

There they are. Oh, Miss Price.

What a charitable thing you are doing,

taking in these poor unfortunates from the city.

Hold this very carefully.

I wonder, Miss Price, if I may drop by later this afternoon.

Why?

Ah, well, we have their spiritual needs to consider now. Do we not?

That won't be necessary. They won't be with me for long.

Oh!

My parcel, please.

Bring your things inside.

A bit murky, ain't it?

Yeah.

Not another house around here for miles.

Wipe your feet.

Big place, this.

Who else lives here?

I live alone.

It suits my purpose.

All right. Come along, everybody.

A cat!

Sorry, miss. The cat startled us.

No need for alarm. You just frightened him, that's all.

Yes, scared to death. You can see that.

What do you call your cat?

I don't believe in giving animals ridiculous names.

I call him Cosmic Creepers, because that's the name he came with.

You will sleep in here.

This was my father's bedroom.

And I want you to be very careful of everything in it.

You boys take the bed, there.

All right, miss.

- What was your name? - It's Carrie, miss.

Carrie, you sleep on the sofa in there.

Thank you, miss.

Is that all you brought?

We ain't exactly burdened down with frillies.

Travel light, that's us.

Well, I don't think this arrangement is going to work,

but it seems that I have no alternative.

We'll do our best, miss. Really we will.

Thank you, Carrie. The bathroom is along the landing.

Supper is at 6:00. You will wash thoroughly...

- Wash? - You will wash yourselves,

otherwise there will be no supper.

Is that clear?

A house of horror, that's what we've come to.

Please don't bother to whisper.

I'm exceptionally keen of hearing.

You are planning to run back to London.

If you've any plotting to do, please do it elsewhere

where I shan't have to listen to it.

I'm afraid I don't know much about what children eat.

You'll have to make do as I do.

Is there anything particular that you fancy?

Sausage and mash, bubble and squeak, toad in the hole.

Fried fish. Oh, anything at all.

I'm afraid you won't find any fried foods in this house.

- No fried food? - No.

How do you keep your health?

Cabbage buds, rose hips, glyssop seed, elm bark,

whortle yeast and stewed nettles.

"Dear madam, with this shipment,

"the Emelius Browne Correspondence College of Witchcraft

"sends you its heartiest congratulations

"on qualifying for the first degree of your chosen calling.

"You may now call yourself apprentice witch.

"Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne."

My first broom.

Time to go. Everybody up.

Wake up, Paul. We're going back to London.

Now, let's see how we fly this thing.

Here we are.

"Clasp the broom with both hands."

Yes, of course.

"No, never astride the broom." Yes, of course.

"Technically, a witch is always a lady

"except when circumstances dictate otherwise.

"Take an easy, graceful, sideways position."

Of course, that's much better.

An easy, graceful, sideways position.

There we are. How's that?

"To start up the broom, your basic formula."

I wasn't ready!

Now, watch this.

Here we go.

It's going to be a little different this time.

All right, I know it's not ladylike.

- Cor! - What's the matter?

- How does she do that? - 'Cause she's a witch.

- That's the sort of thing witches do. - Oh.

She don't fly good, do she?

She's crashed!

Come on, now's our chance to hop it.

Suppose she's hurt?

Go on. You can't hurt a witch.

Look out!

She's proper cross, now. Let's get away from here.

Hang on. I'm having a bit of a think.

"A witch she is," says you.

"Then let's use the old loaf," says I.

Let's get back to London.

What we have here is an opportunity.

She don't want anyone to know she's a witch, does she?

Not ruddy likely.

That's the opportunity.

And I intend to make the most of it. Come on.

Bran porridge.

Thank you, miss.

Very healthful, I'm sure.

Hurt your foot, Miss Price?

Oh, just twisted my ankle.

Sorry to hear that.

Thank you. It's nothing serious.

Lovely weather for flying last night.

Why did you say that, Charles?

Game's up, Miss Price.

We know what you are.

I see.

Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna peach on you.

Thank you. I should be most grateful if you didn't tell anyone in the village.

'Course, there'll have to be one or two little changes made around here.

I mean, I'd like to see an occasional sausage on the table here.

A bit of strawberry jam.

Charlie!

Let me handle this.

And another thing, Miss Price, there'll be no more of this

wash, wash, wash, mornin' and night.

Anything else?

Now you mention it, I could do with a bit of lolly.

Lolly?

Cash, cold hard cash.

You must have buckets of it.

For your information,

the most accomplished of witches can't make money out of thin air.

Have you ever heard of a rich witch?

Be that as it may, you don't want us to blab, do you?

Have you considered what danger you might be in?

I am a witch, you know.

What will you do? Turn me into a toad?

Lovely, a toad with pink eyes.

I might just do that.

Go on, then. I dare you.

Very well, Charles.

You shouldn't have said that to her.

She don't frighten me.

She can't even ride a proper broom.

Excuse me, Charles.

Oh, Charlie!

That's better than a toad. That's a rabbit.

Bother! I never seem to be able to manage toads.

Stop! Leave him alone!

Don't let Charlie get hurt.

Oh, not to worry. My spells don't last very long.

I'm just an apprentice witch, you know.

Look out, Charlie!

You flamin' brute!

I'll teach you to do that to me!

Let Cosmic Creepus alone. Weren't his fault.

I'm afraid it's my fault.

Bad enough not being able to manage a broom,

I can't perform a simple, basic spell.

You dared her to do it.

I don't see why we can't all be friends.

Maybe she's not a wicked witch.

Of course I'm not.

- See? - If only I could trust you.

You see, the work I'm doing is so important to the war effort.

How do you mean?

I mean, exceptionally important.

Most secret.

What do you say, Charlie. We can keep a secret.

Yeah, if someone made it worth our while.

I don't follow.

Simple, you give us something valuable to seal the pact.

Oh, Charlie, don't try to be clever again.

It's for her own protection, ain't it?

If we broke the pact,

we'd have to give back the valuable object.

I think it's an excellent idea.

I wonder what I could give you?

Would you settle for one of my spells?

I bet that's not worth much.

Come with me.

I liked you better as a rabbit, Charlie.

Shut up, you.

Well, I never had a rabbit.

Careful what you touch in here.

Rum sort of place, ain't it?

When I signed for my witchcraft course,

there was a free bonus, a certain marvelous traveling spell,

if you paid promptly in advance.

I think I'll give you that one.

- Is it valuable? - Certainly!

Poisoned dragon's liver!

Poisoned dragon liver.

You mean you poison the dragon or just the liver?

Well, it comes prepared. It's part of the school equipment.

Ah, here we are. "The traveling spell."

All right, everybody gather around.

All right, now let's see.

Does anyone have a bracelet or a ring? Something that you can twist.

No, Miss Price.

What about you, Paul?

I always carry a few things around with me.

You never know when they might come in useful.

A piece of blue glass.

A lovely bit of string.

Horseshoe nail.

What's that?

A knob, come from the bed upstairs.

It twists, don't it?

Yeah, twisted right off.

Yes, I think that will be all right.

Carrie, turn the light down a little bit, will you?

There.

Isn't that pretty!

Is that all we get?

This knob will now work the famous traveling spell.

And what's the famous traveling spell?

How does it work?

Well, you take this knob and put it back on the bed upstairs.

Then, turn it smartly a quarter turn to the left.

Then, in a firm, clear voice,

tell it where you want to go, and the bed will take you there.

- Go on! - Miss Price, will it really?

Well, I see no reason to think otherwise.

Oh, thank you for the lovely gift.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does belong to Paul.

He's the only one who can work the spell.

Me?

Yes.

That's right. Mine, now wasn't it.

That's the way the spell works.

Nice mess he'll make of things.

Oh, bother.

You children run upstairs,

but mind you, don't try anything with the bedknob till I get back.

"Dear madam, it grieves me to inform you,

"that due to the war, we have been forced

"to close down our college of witchcraft.

"This means that we shall not be sending you

"the final lesson in which you expressed so much interest."

We were wondering what was keeping you.

I've had some very bad news.

Is there anything we can do?

No, no, thank you.

Yes, yes, there is something that Paul can do.

- Me? - Paul, I need the bedknob back.

I must get to London immediately.

No, I want to go to the jungle.

Come with me, Paul.

Now, Paul, ridiculous as it may seem

to have to explain this to a six-year-old child,

but I do need your help.

Go ahead.

I was expecting a very important spell in the mail

from my teacher, Professor Emelius Browne,

and it hasn't come.

What's that got to do with my knob?

I must go to London immediately and see Professor Browne.

With his help, we may be able to bring this war to a successful end.

That is why I need the knob.

What is your decision?

Thank you, Paul.

I brought this for your hair, Carrie. It may be windy.

Thank you. Oh, it's ever so nice.

Paul, have you been to the bathroom?

- Twice. - Good.

Charles, you'd better put on something warmer.

The bed may travel quite fast.

I'm not going. I'm staying right here.

But why, Charlie?

All that rubbish about a traveling bed.

It won't work, that's why.

Carrie, help me to pull the bed out.

We don't want to scratch the wall when we take off, do we?

How's a ruddy big bed, like that,

going to get out of this room, with those little windows?

I don't know, Charles.

There's a great many things about magic that I don't know.

We'll just have to find out.

Lovely. Just so's you leave me out of it.

I don't fancy making a fool of myself.

What's come over you lately, Charlie?

You're no fun, anymore.

Help me to tidy up the bed, Carrie.

We don't want to go to London with an unmade bed.

How old is Charles?

Eleven, going on twelve.

I see. That's what my father used to call the age of "Not believing."

What's that supposed to be?

When you rush around in hopeless circles

Searching everywhere for something true

You're at the age of not believing

When all the make believe is through

That's Charlie to a T.

When you set aside your childhood heroes

And your dreams are lost upon a shelf

You're at the age of not believing

and worst of all you doubt yourself

Throw that into the wastebasket.

You're a castaway where no one hears you

On a barren isle in a lonely sea

What's that supposed to be? Poetry?

Where did all the happy endings go?

Where can all the good times be?

Everyone on the bed who's going.

You must face the age of not believing

Doubting everything you ever knew

The knob, Paul.

Until at last you start believing

There's something wonderful in you

Lovely sentiment, I'm sure.

- Are you ready, Paul? - Yes, Miss Price.

Repeat after me.

Take us to Professor Emelius Browne.

Take us to Professor...

Emelius Browne.

Very good.

Headmaster, Correspondence College of Witchcraft.

Headmaster, Correspondence College.

Of Witchcraft, London.

Of Witchcraft, London.

Now, when I say "go,"

tap the knob three times and turn it a quarter turn to the left.

- Left. - That's it.

Now, we better hold on tight.

The behavior of the bed is something I'm not quite sure of.

Let me breathe a little.

All right, Paul, ready?

Go.

One, two, three.

Is this London?

Course it is. Can't you smell that lovely, sooty air?

Marvelous, ain't it?

Well, Charles, are you convinced by now?

Not yet, I ain't.

I don't see no Professor Browne.

Neither do I, in point of fact.

You children look after the bed while I make inquiries for Mr. Browne.

I told you this flamin' bed wouldn't work.

Oh, Charlie, don't start that again.

It didn't work proper.

- This bed was supposed to take us to... - Look!

Professor Browne!

Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Gather around, please, ladies and gentlemen!

Please note the name, ladies and gentlemen,

Professor Emelius Browne.

I am here to divert, to amuse, and, yes, even to help you.

There he is!

It is not what things are.

It is what they seem to be.

Is that not so, madam?

That ain't the kind of professor I expected.

I'm not sure it's the kind of professor Miss Price expected, either.

What effect a little smoke is

with a dash of hocus pocus and the scent of burning...

And the scent of burning sulfur in the air.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick,

may I draw your attention

to this solid piece of ordinary window glass

framed in an ordinary, unprepared frame.

May I also draw your attention to this perfectly ordinary steel nail.

Now, I shall place the framed glass in this brown, unprepared,

unprepared, mark you, ladies and gentlemen,

unprepared, brown, paper bag.

I shall now attempt

to drive the steel nail through the glass without breaking the glass!

"Impossible," I can hear you say.

We shall see.

He ain't very good, even if he is a professor.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. No, ladies, please don't go.

Don't leave now and regret lost opportunities later.

You, young sir,

would you care to warble like the storied nightingale?

With this inexpensive device,

you can charm the very birds down from the trees, like so.

How much?

For you, sir, one penny.

One copper coin of the realm.

Carrie, I'm very surprised at you, wandering off like this.

We found him for you, miss. We found Professor Browne.

It don't work. I've been cheated!

Is that Professor Browne?

It is indeed, my dear.

How may I serve you?

Would you be interested in the mating call

of the Brazilian Matouacan bird?

Known as the bird of love?

Very useful, eh?

You are the headmaster

of the Emelius Browne Correspondence College of Witchcraft?

The late headmaster.

The college, alas, is now defunct.

Professor Browne, I am one of your pupils.

My dear lady, you are, indeed, an ornament to the college.

- Splendid! - Not at all.

I was shocked and dismayed when you closed down the college

without that most important last lesson.

I'm sorry, my dear, no refunds.

Look at your contract.

But I must have the spell that comes with the last lesson!

The matter is closed. I bid you good day!

I have an appointment at my club for squash rackets.

The matter is not closed! Don't let him get away.

Right-o!

Leave go of me!

Would you mind? Would you mind? Would you mind...

Ah, here we are.

Will you get this child off my leg?

Would you get this child...

Cor!

Now, I trust you'll behave more like a gentleman.

Look out!

Well, there goes another rabbit.

Oh! What was all that about?

I changed you into a rabbit with one of your own spells.

My spell? From my school?

Not one of your best spells, in point of fact.

It doesn't last very long.

Some of your others are much better.

But I don't understand.

My spell?

They were just nonsense words that I got out of an old book.

Well, they worked perfectly well for me.

They worked for you?

Good woman, some kind of destiny has brought us together.

You got the words for these spells out of some old book you say?

Well, more or less. I changed them 'round a bit.

I gave them a bit of my own style as it were.

The old sorcerers did have a bit of a tendency

to waffle on, but dear lady,

I never thought I'd meet somebody like you.

What a treasure.

Mr. Browne, will you please stick to the point!

I would like to see this book, immediately!

Certainly.

It's at my new town house.

Would you care to join me for luncheon?

We can discuss my ideas at the same time.

Thank you. We'd be delighted.

We shall all go together.

- On the bed? - On the bed, Paul.

You go 'round the other side. I always travel on the left.

Will you give the address to Paul, please.

May I ask, how we're going to get there on this bed? Fly?

My dear Professor Browne, with your own traveling spell,

the one you gave with the course as a bonus.

My traveling spell?

That works, as well?

Just give the address, please.

Eight Wynchfield road.

Bed, take us to Eight Wynchfield road.

Madam, is this vehicle safe?

Oh, perfectly safe.

Bit theatrical, perhaps, but then, most good spells are.

Well, we're here.

I would never have believed it.

You must have given us the wrong address.

You don't live here, do you?

In point of fact, I do. Temporarily, at any rate.

I found the front door open. The house was deserted.

Everyone has left the neighborhood.

Now, why should they do that?

This probably has something to do with it.

Merciful heavens!

I should think you'd be terrified at the very idea of living here.

You'd have thought so, wouldn't you?

I am by nature, a little bit of a coward.

But then I pondered, as I often do.

In the perverse nature of things,

this diabolical object is probably the best friend I've ever had.

It enables me for the first time in my life, to live like a king.

Shall we go in?

Rothschild '26.

Noble, worldly-wise, but with a charming touch of innocence.

- Wouldn't you say? - Mr. Browne, the book. Where is it?

Dear lady, you are relentless.

The book is in the library

and we shall proceed there after finishing our cheese and wine.

Why'd you keep the curtains closed?

So that we may enjoy the gentle glow of candlelight.

More likely, so's the coppers don't peek in

and catch you hidin' out here.

Now, why don't you young things have a look around the house?

I want to have a chat with Miss Price.

- May we? - Yes, run along, children.

But mind you, don't touch anything.

Remember, this house doesn't belong to Mr. Browne.

Mr. Browne, where is that book?

I must have that spell on substitutiary locomotion.

What is it? A toy shop?

No, it's a nursery.

Ain't you ever seen a nursery?

No, and neither have you.

Would you hold this, please?

What do you think of that?

Well, I don't know what to think.

Miss Price, just think how successful I could be

with an assistant who can really do magic!

Oh?

Dear lady, have you ever considered entering,

what some of us call, "Show business?"

The what business?

The theater, pantomimes,

village fairs, the seaside, Brighton,

Blackpool, follies on the prom...

Mr. Browne, I have very important work to do.

Listen to me. We could make a packet.

Let us strike a bargain

You possess a gift but I can speak the jargon

That will give your gift the needed lift

Oh?

You possess the know how and I command the show how

Oh, how successful you could be with me

I'm afraid we're wasting valuable time.

- What's your name? - Miss Price.

No, your first name, my dear.

Eglantine.

Eglantine?

Eglantine

Oh, how you'll shine

Your lot and my lot have got to combine

Eglantine, Eglantine

Hark to the stars

Destiny calls us

The future is ours as the shine sells the boot

And the blossoms the fruit

All you need to succeed in your plan

Is the proper ally upon whom to rely

And I'm your man

For I have an acumen that's nigh superhuman

I sell things that nobody can

So I humbly suggest you accept my behest

I'm your man

Eglantine, Eglantine

Mr. Browne!

Oh, how you shine

Mr. Browne, will you please...

Your lot and my lot

Have got to combine

Eglantine, Eglantine

Mr. Browne, do you hear me?

Hark to the stars

Destiny calls us

Mr. Browne, I'm warning you.

The future is ours

What are you reading?

Isle of Naboombu.

Can't be no such place.

There is too such a place.

These pictures proves it, don't it?

A bit weird, ain't it?

Animals wearing hats and things?

I like it.

I warned you, Mr. Browne.

Now, where is the book?

Well? Where is it?

At last, Mr. Browne!

The Spells of Astoroth.

Of course.

Here's the traveling spell. This is where you got it.

Does one's nose have to twitch like this?

Oh, you're back, Mr. Browne.

Miss Price, a word about your tactics.

I don't mind being changed into a hawk or a tiger,

or something with a bit of dash to it,

but always a fluffy, white rabbit?

It's intolerable!

Ah, here we are.

"Substitutiary locomotion."

"The ancient art of...

"The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.

"These words are..."

But the rest of the book is missing!

Now you see why I closed down the college.

But where are the other pages?

Oh, I haven't the foggiest.

Listen to me, Mr. Browne.

I'm all ears.

You will be if you don't pay attention.

Where did you get this book?

I bought it from a chap in the street market.

There was a bit of unpleasantness as a matter of fact.

He claimed that I'd given him a dud coin, I ask you.

There was a sort of scuffle. The book tore.

He got one half and I got the other.

But where's the other half now?

Oh, it's probably been thrown away.

If it still exists, there's only one place to find it.

Where is that?

Portobello Road

Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Anything and everything a chap can unload

Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road

Rare alabaster

Genuine plaster

A filigreed samovar owned by the Czars

A pen used by Shelley a new Botticelli

The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars

Made in Hong Kong?

Two bob a dozen, would you say?

Waterford crystal

Napoleon's pistols

Society heirlooms with genuine gems

Rembrandts, El Grecos Toulouse-Lautrecos

Painted last week on the banks of the Thames

Very interesting, but where do they sell books?

There's a little place around the corner.

Portobello Road Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Anything and everything a chap can unload

Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

You'll meet all your chums in the Portobello Road

Lovely to see you, goodbye.

What I want is the other half of this book.

All in good time, my dear.

Burke's Peerage the bride book

The fishmonger's guide book

I'm looking for the other part of this, thank you.

A Victorian novel The Unwanted Son

You don't understand, I'm not...

The history of potting

The yearbook of yachting

The leather-bound life of Attila, the Hun

Portobello Road Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Artifacts to glorify a regal abode

Are hid mid the flotsam in Portobello Road

Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?

Tokens and treasures yesterday's pleasures

Cheap imitations and heirlooms of old

Dented and tarnished scarred and unvarnished

In old Portobello...

This good lady is looking for the other half of this book.

It's called, The Spells of Astoroth.

I don't keep no torn or damaged books here.

What do you think I am? A ruddy wastepaper merchant?

You can eat like a king in the Portobello Road

I think, if I'm right, there's another book store along here, somewhere.

Grandpa, you don't expect to sell a piano like that do you?

Let me have a go, my dear fellow.

Portobello Road Portobello Road

Happy things are happening in Portobello Road

You feel like a ballerina when you're hopping like a toad

When you kick your heels up down in Portobello Road

Come on, ducks.

Come on, girls.

Lovely.

Oh!

Closing time. Closing time.

Closing time.

Closing time.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Portobello Road

Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Anything and everything a chap can unload

Hey, guv'nor, somethin' for the lady friend? Nylons?

- No, thank you. - Uh, petrol coupons?

- Chocs for the little ones? - Nope.

How about one of these? Fell off the back of a lorry.

Do be a good chap and run away.

Would you fancy this, then?

Ah...

Now you have my undivided attention.

What can I do for you, friend?

You're to get over to the bookman straightaway.

He wants to see you.

You, too!

Who is the bookman?

And what right has he got to order me about?

Under the circumstances I think we better ask questions later.

Excuse me.

Sorry, guv, no one told me about the stairs.

Why didn't you just bring Scotland Yard, Swinburne,

and half the household's cavalry, as well?

What's the bed for?

It's a present for you.

That's what he said.

Nothing of the sort. The bed belongs to me.

Except for this knob, which is mine.

Be that as it may.

Bookman, there's been bad blood between us long enough.

Let this glittering gift begin friendship anew.

Draw the curtains and lock the door.

You'll be snug as a bug.

Mr. Browne, isn't that the section of the manuscript

that we've been looking for?

Who is this person?

A Miss Eglantine Price,

a charming young woman of my acquaintance.

Miss Price, I've been looking for this other bit a long time.

Mr. Swinburne told me you were in the market making inquiries.

And here we are.

I don't mind saying, to see it all together at last,

there isn't much I wouldn't do.

Or haven't done, for that matter.

Right, guv?

You'll close your mouth, Swinburne!

Is that clear?

It's all rather like a jolly detective story, or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it?

We're both after the same spell.

You have one clue. I have the other.

In that case, the sensible thing seems to be for us to cooperate.

I assume you're looking for the same thing I am.

May I?

This is quite a moment for both of us.

"Substitutiary locomotion, the lost miracle of the ancients."

And so on and so forth.

Ah. Here we are.

"The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.

"These words are..."

"Engraved on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer, Astoroth."

But where are the words of the spell?

I assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript.

But I thought they'd be in yours.

Once again, a dead end.

I shall never know the secret.

Isn't that old Astoroth?

And there's his star.

It's a pity it's so small you can't read the writing.

But why the animals?

Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages

and searched for the spells that would make them more like humans.

The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment,

killed Astoroth, and stole many of his powers.

Including the star with the spell on it.

Possibly. They found a ship, sailed away,

and were never heard of again.

However, there's a final notation in my half of the book,

saying that in the 17th century,

a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea

half-mad with thirst and exposure to the sun.

Before he died, he swore he'd seen an island ruled by animals.

Where?

There is, I regret to say, no such island.

I looked for it in every chart.

The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.

Oh, it does, too!

Got me own...

What is he trying to say?

Nothin'. When he don't say nothin' he burbles.

I wish the child to speak!

Now you've done it.

There is, too, such a place.

Got me own book. There. Real pretty letters, ain't it?

Let me see it.

You're not interested, Bookman. It's just a simple children's book.

I'll be the judge of that.

- Give it to me. - No!

Please don't annoy me.

Give me the book, boy!

Not likely.

Bit of a stalemate, isn't it?

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather use me own.

Sentiment, you know.

Come along, Paul, I believe it's time to go.

Go? How, my dear? The door is locked.

Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind.

You'll believe in no one, or in anything.

I understand. The knob, Paul.

- Right. - Of course you do, my dear.

Do you realize we can tell them the complete truth?

They will believe nothing!

He's up to something, you know.

Bookman, before your very eyes, I shall cause this bed

and all the occupants upon it, to disappear.

Disappear?

I'd like to see a cheapjack, tenth-rate entertainer

do a trick like that.

Cheapjack entertainer! Now, that was naughty.

All right, Paul.

Where to?

To the Island of Naboombu.

- I'm very curious about that place. - Good.

Bed, take us to the Island of Naboombu.

Enough of this nonsense. Get the book.

Beastly climate! I never did fancy the sea.

Where are we?

Naboombu, of course.

I ain't never seen no island like this before.

I'm afraid we may have fallen into the lagoon.

That's right!

Here we are, on page three.

Ahoy, Mr. Codfish.

Hello, young fellow.

Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon.

Now I'm hearing things. Fish don't talk.

Not too bright, is he?

- He's me brother. - Oh!

Sorry.

Mr. Codfish, where is the island of Naboombu?

You mean the land part?

Oh, that.

Straight up. You can't miss it.

None of my business, of course, but I shouldn't go there if I were you.

Having troubles, they are.

Troubles?

He's right, you know, a lot of trouble.

Well, trouble or not, we should be getting along.

I wish to see who is in charge.

What's the rush? It's really rather splendid down here.

For you, my dear.

Oh, thank you.

How pleasant!

Bobbing along

Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

What a chance to get a better peep

At the plants and creatures of the deep

We glide

Far below the rolling tide

Serene

Through the bubbly blue and green

It's lovely bobbing along

Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

What if the octopus the flounder and the cod

think we're rather odd?

It's fun to promenade

Bobbing along singing a song

On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

Look.

It's lovely bobbing along

Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

What a chance to get a better peep

At the plants and creatures of the deep

It's grand

When you're dancing on the sand

Each glance

Bubbles over with romance

It's lovely bobbing along

Bobbing along through the water where we get along swimmingly

Far from the frenzy of the frantic world above

Two beneath the blue

Could even fall in love

Bobbing along singing a song

On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

Bobbing along singing a song

On the bottom of the beautiful briny

Shimmery shiny beautiful briny sea

Bravo. Bravo. Most exciting. Most exciting.

You've won the ruddy cup.

Help! Help!

This time I really got a whopper!

Whew!

People! People!

Oh, no!

What scurvy luck!

- My goodness! - I'll deal with this, my dear.

Don't you know that...

Good day, Captain.

L used to be a bit of a seafaring man, myself.

Many's the time I've shipped out of Portsmouth.

Delighted to meet a fellow mariner.

Huh?

Now, stow it, mate.

Oh, really!

Can't you read readin', huh?

Uh, it says...

"No peopling allowed."

"No peopling allowed." Ridiculous.

Don't antagonize him, Mr. Browne.

That means I gotta throw you all back.

That's what it do.

Wait a minute.

It says here that anybody can see the King, and that's the law.

Where do it say that?

Here, in me book.

Mmm-hmm.

So it do.

But if you people knew what was good for ya,

you'd get yourselves all throwed back!

The King don't like people!

Nonetheless, we must see the King on an urgent, personal matter.

Please lead the way.

Uh-huh.

But just don't say I didn't warn ya, see?

Follow me.

I'm a peaceable sailor and that sure ain't all

Blow, blow, blow the man down

Get out of here!

Yes, yes.

What can I do for you?

I, uh, caught some people down at the sea lagoon.

They want to see the King.

Really?

Well, we can't be bothered with that sort of thing now, can we?

I don't know that I fancy this.

His Majesty is in a frightful rage.

Excuse me, sir. As an all-around entertainer of sorts,

I am considered not without talent.

Perhaps I can cheer him up?

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

As everyone knows,

His Majesty is the world's greatest soccer player.

But, due to a technical problem,

the royal cup match cannot take place today,

and His Majesty had so set his heart on it.

Throw these...

Creatures back into the sea.

Aye, aye, sir.

Just a moment. I can help.

Do you really think so? I'd be most grateful.

Do you know soccer?

Do I know anything about soccer?

Why, I was captain of Tottenham Hotspurs for two years,

three seasons with Manchester United.

- Yes, yes, yes, you'll do. - Before that I...

Come this way, please.

Mr. Browne, are you certain you'll be all right?

Now what?

Not an ideal person in many respects, but Mr. Browne is a very brave man.

Do you think he's done for?

Do you think so?

I can't tell you how I appreciate this.

For some reason, we have great difficulty

finding referees 'round here.

If there be one thing we like, it's volunteers.

Eh, Birdy?

He's a proper king. Look at his crown.

What's he got 'round his neck?

What a magnificent...

Ornament, sire.

Ah, yes.

Wouldn't be without it.

Been in the family for years.

The star of Astoroth.

You're to sit in His Majesty's royal box.

No littering, no chewing, no fruit or wrappers from boiled sweets, please.

Rise, please.

Loyal fans, this is official.

We have a volunteer referee.

Let the match begin!

He's still wearing it.

Right, Dirty Yellows, let's have a nice, clean game.

Right, True Blues, best foot forward.

Weird sort of game they play here.

Hurry up. Get rid of it.

Gracious.

You're doing fine, matey.

Move it around. Move it around.

Get on with the match!

- Foul! Foul! - They're only animals.

That's no excuse for dirty football.

Ref, are you blind?

Be quiet, Charles. Don't forget who the referee is.

- Don't they have no rules? - 'Course they do.

The King makes them up as he goes along.

Poor Mr. Browne.

Do you think he's all right?

Well, he's moving.

Steady, matey. Move it around.

Oh, he almost had it then.

Looks like he's done for, this time.

Don't just stand there!

Head it in!

Stop that ball!

Goal.

Game's over. I win.

Ah, let me give you a hand, matey.

That's quite all right, Your Majesty. Thank you, so much.

Oh, please, let me help you on with your robe.

Why, yes. Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

- Can't have you cold, Sire. Can we? - Why, no, no.

Have you ever heard of something called "the gypsy switch"?

No.

Can't say that I have.

Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

I can't tell you when we've had such a good time.

We'll carry the memory of Your Majesty in our hearts for a long while.

I think it's time to leave.

Aye. Must you go?

We must be dashing. Marvelous game.

Lovely to see you. Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Come, children. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Friendly lot.

Don't mind them visiting.

Wouldn't want them living here!

Come along, children.

Come on, children. Hurry up.

Stop gibbering.

What's the matter with you?

Your royal star!

They've stolen your royal star.

Don't be ridiculous.

What do you think this is?

Why didn't you

say so?

All right, Paul, put the knob on the bed.

At last, the magic words.

I'll keep it. Women always lose things.

Hurry, Paul, the knob.

It's stuck!

I suppose I should do something.

Please do. Quick!

Got it.

Oh, bother! I do hate shoddy work.

I don't suppose I shall ever get used to this thing.

Children, will you push the bed back into place, please.

I think we could all do with a nice cup of tea.

Oh, no time for that.

I've gone to a lot of trouble to find this spell.

I'm going to try it immediately.

Mr. Browne, kindly let me have your shoes, please.

My shoe? Oh, fine.

What's the shoes for?

Really, Charles, if you had been paying attention,

I should think you'd be aware

that substitutiary locomotion is the art of causing inanimate objects

to take on a life force of their own.

Obviously, I must have inanimate objects to experiment with.

Makes sense, don't it?

Stand back, everyone. I need plenty of room.

I want you all to be absolutely quiet.

Mr. Browne,

- you have the star of Astoroth, I believe. - Oh, yes.

It's in my nice, clean hanky.

It's all right, Mr. Browne.

I should have realized that it would be quite impossible

to take an object from one world into another.

If only I would have had the sense to remember the words on that star.

I know the words, Miss Price.

Don't bother Miss Price. She's thinking.

Charlie, why don't you and I nip down to the village

and get something for supper.

And I might conceivably call into the pub for a pint to steady my nerves.

- Trebonna? - I do know the words, Miss Price.

Come along.

- How can you know the words? - Frebunna?

Troop movements,

and massing of barges in French and Dutch channel ports.

The prime minister has told the nation

to be on the alert for signs of a possible invasion.

That was the news...

To think I might have been able to do something about all this.

It's out of your hands now, my dear.

If only I could have remembered those words.

It's maddening!

Why don't someone ask me?

Come off it, Paul.

You can't remember those kind of words.

You mean like...

How do you know that?

Easy.

Says right here in me book.

You mean, it was there in your book all the time?

Yes, but nobody ever listens to me.

Nothing happened!

Am I doing something wrong?

Well, to tell you the truth, it does seem a bit old fashioned.

After all, we are in the 20th century.

What do you suggest?

Well, it needs rhythm, tempo, music.

As I always say, "Do it with a flair."

- Do you mind if I have a go? - Oh, of course not.

Now, come along, you lot. We need all the help we can get.

Substitutiary locomotion

Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion

It's so weird so feared And yet wonderful to see

Substitutiary locomotion come to me

Shh!

Now.

Cor!

I don't want locomotiary substitution

or remote intransitory convolution

Only one precise solution is the key

Substitutiary locomotion it must be

Treguna, mekoides and trecorum, satis, dee

Oh!

Substitutiary locomotion

Lovely substitutiary locomotion

You've made substitutiary history

With Treguna, mekoides and a little help from me

With Treguna, mekoides and

Trecorum, satis, dee

Lummy!

Mr. Browne, what is going on here?

I haven't the foggiest.

How do you do?

Oh, shall we?

That's my nightgown!

Is it really, my dear?

Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behavior.

Obviously not, my dear.

Paul, what on earth are you doing?

Having a jolly good time, that's what!

- How can we stop all this? - Must we? It's really most agreeable.

Yes, but we must do something!

Didn't I give you my all-purpose, cut-off spell?

- Lesson number eight. - Number eight.

Yes, number eight, I think it was.

Oye! Me Sunday trousers!

Buzz off, old chap. Find your own dancing partner. Oh!

Ow!

Be careful, Carrie, slow down.

Charles!

Mr. Browne, will you please control your shoes?

Dear lady, I very much fear that we have nothing under control.

Do you mind?

Now, who would like some more of my lovely sausages and mash?

No more for me, thank you.

Oh, Carrie?

It's very good, but I've already had two helpings.

I'm full.

Me, too.

Well, at least somebody wants some.

Cheer up, my dear.

This should be something of a celebration.

I'm sorry.

There doesn't seem to be much to celebrate.

I still haven't mastered that spell.

Of course you have! You just need a little more practice, that's all.

Do you really think so?

No doubt about it.

Meantime, there's nothing to liven the spirits

like a little masterjuggling. Right, Charlie?

Go on, then, guv. Give us some juggling.

Very few better than me at this.

All you need is 20 years practice, and a touch of genius.

Never happened to me before.

I don't usually juggle with cats under my feet.

Look, she's laughing.

Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Hobday, do come in.

Oh, I can't stop, my dear.

I just come by to bring you the good news.

- Good news? - Yes, yes. Mr. Bisselthwaite,

who brings the milk, you know?

Well, he's promised to take the children in.

He and his wife have got that farm, just the place for growing children.

Put a bit of color back in their cheeks.

Why? What's the matter?

I thought you'd be pleased.

You told me yourself that you were much too busy.

You have no time to take care of children.

Circumstances have changed, somewhat.

That's right. We got a dad now, Mr. Browne.

Paul.

Miss Price, is this true?

Of course.

You do want him to stay with us, don't you, Miss Price?

I suppose I hadn't really thought about it.

What about him?

What do you say about it, Mr. Browne?

Well...

It's all rather sudden.

I don't quite know what to say.

Then I'll leave you two to talk it over.

Oh, I'll come back in the morning.

Yes. Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

It is true, Mr. Browne,

you are going to be our father now, aren't you?

Well, we...

We are rather rushing things, aren't we?

Perhaps Mr. Browne has other things besides you children to think about?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I should have left ages ago.

I... I must get a train back to London tonight.

It's rather an important matter, as a matter of fact.

I'd like to tell you about it,

but it's a little bit hush-hush, you know.

Sort of a secret.

Well, uh, if...

If I've been any sort of help to you, I'm pleased.

You've been immensely kind. Thank you.

I've enjoyed being with you.

Perhaps it's been good for all of us.

Will you be coming back?

Someday, my dear.

I, uh, certainly hope that we shall meet again.

Someday, when all this war business is over.

I see.

And then, perhaps, I shall realize my fondest dream,

"Eglantine and Emelius, illusionists extraordinary."

Just think how that will look on the poster, huh?

The children are going to miss you.

Do you really think they will?

Yes.

Well, I shall miss you, all of you.

If I don't go now, you might never get rid of me.

Goodbye, Carrie.

Must you really go?

I think it's best for everybody.

Goodbye, Paul.

I still think you should be our father.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Do you want me to come down to the station with you?

No. No.

No, you stay here and look after everybody.

Goodbye, Miss Price.

Goodbye, Mr. Browne.

When is the next train to London, please?

Lord bless you, sir. There ain't no train.

Nothing till milk job, 4:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Do you mind if I wait in here?

You suit yourself. Good night, sir.

Good night.

Out you go, Cosmic.

Hello? Hello?

Hello!

Hello? Hello?

Emelius Browne.

Do you know you could be warm and cozy

in that house at this very moment?

For once in your useless life you really seem to have been needed.

You're a failure, Emelius Browne.

And a coward.

No, Fraulein, this is not the invasion,

just a little exercise, a minor raid to induce panic,

and to spread a little mischief.

When you English get it through you head,

that the German forces can land at will wherever and whenever we please,

perhaps you will consider a reasonable peace.

Not bloody likely!

Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.

I must say, it's very tempting.

Colonel, how would you feel about being turned

into a nice, white rabbit?

I said, "How would you feel about being turned

"into a nice, white rabbit?"

Be quiet, please!

Not again?

Your memory, Miss Price.

Charles, would you kindly fetch my notebook from the workroom, please.

Right-o.

Let him go!

Silence!

Fraulein, we have work to do.

I am sorry, but I must send all of you someplace

where you will no longer be a nuisance.

As the words tell the tune

and the moonbeams the moon

all I need to succeed in my plan

is a champion rare

with a flourish and a flair

Eglantine.

Where is the spell for rabbits?

"Easiest of all," she says.

Confound it! Can't women ever learn to file things properly?

There it is.

That's it!

Uh...

Now, come along, my boy.

Just for once in your life, you've got to believe in something.

That's it. Good lad.

Now what's the use of putting the children and me

in that drafty castle?

It's quite chilly.

Because, Fraulein, the colonel believes

when the British female decides to become a nuisance,

she can become the greatest nuisance in the world.

And I'm inclined to agree with him.

You need a lesson in manners, Sergeant.

If I only had my notebook, I'd make certain you'd learn a few.

Jumping Jehoshaphat, more Jerries.

Take it easy, can't you?

Try holding your breath.

I am holding it.

We could strip him down and grease him with soap.

No, it's no good.

He can't do it.

I could've told you that in the first place.

If we can't get Paul out to give the alarm,

we'll just have to think of something else.

What about that spell that makes things move about?

Oh, but I need weapons.

How about all these things?

I'm afraid they're a bit ancient.

Where did this come from?

It's Mr. Browne. That's who it is.

He's on his way to London.

Mr. Browne?

If you are Mr. Browne,

would you be kind enough to get down off my lap?

It is Mr. Browne!

It is you!

You didn't think that I could do that spell, did you?

I am glad to see you!

What about all these Germans?

Well, as Charlie says,

"What's wrong with the substitutiary locomotion spell?"

That ought to be useful.

No, but it isn't ready, yet.

You saw what happened this afternoon.

Well, we have to chance it.

We can't let these so-and-sos get away with their beastly little raid.

Mr. Browne, won't you get up off the floor,

and we'll go to work.

Herr Oberst!

- Jolly good luck, my dear. - Thank you, Emelius.

Let's hope you haven't forgotten the spell, Miss Price.

Oh, not this time, Charlie.

Found this in the castle. Probably not a magic broom,

but it might make you feel more at home.

Well, thank you, Carrie. That was very thoughtful of you.

Come now, children. Let's get out of Miss Price's way.

Look.

Sound the advance!

Just in time for the kickoff.

Steady on the left.

Victory for England and Saint George!

Like the Lord Mayor's show.

Pikemen, hold your distance.

Fire!

Blimey!

Where's it coming from, Sergeant?

Sounds like the sea road, sir.

- Come on, lads. After me! - Come on.

Good shooting, bowmen!

Well caught, sir! Very good.

Knock his block off! That's it!

Mr. Browne, make those children take cover this instant!

Are you still there, Colonel?

I thought you'd be on your way by now.

You see? Things may not be so easy for you, after all.

Goodbye, Colonel.

- Eglantine, oh, Eglantine. - Dear Mr. Browne.

Miss Price, we thought they'd damaged you.

See? No one can hurt Miss Price.

There they are, lads. I sensed something was afoot.

All right, drive them into the sea.

Firing positions, you fellas. Both sides.

All right, men, hold your fire.

I think we've taught the Hun a lesson.

He'll think twice before coming back here again.

It's tragic. All your spells, your equipment, all gone.

Still, I was able to perform some small service first.

That mean you ain't going to be a witch no more?

Never?

No, Paul.

I realized some time ago that I could never be a proper witch.

When was that?

Was it that first magic moment when you laid eyes on me?

No, it was the day my poisoned dragon's liver arrived.

I knew then that anyone

who felt the way I did about poisoned dragon's liver,

had no business being a witch.

You're certain you're doing the right thing?

Well, I think so.

The way things are, it's much too dangerous being a civilian.

Take care of yourself, guv.

I'll do that.

And I'll be back before you've grown an inch taller.

We'll be together again.

Sounds like you have an escort to the station.

Parade, halt!

Well, here we go.

Permission to move off, sir!

Carry on, Sergeant.

Parade, by the right, quick!

March! Left, left. Left, right, left.

Suppose that's it.

We ain't going to have no fun no more.

Well, still got this, ain't I?

Call out the navy Call out the ranks

Call out the air force Call out the tanks

From the Cliffs of Dover

call up the Gauls

And don't forget the loyal territorials

Who's digging in here?

Who will defend

every inch of England no matter what they send?

Who's standing firm in our own front yard?

The soldiers of the old home guard

That's who

The soldiers of the old home guard