Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

This morning's finance report,

$8.2 million.

That ought to buy a few lawn signs.

And the lawns to go with them. I'm just confused about

who the viable candidate's supposed to be

when Russell's gone.

We're going to win this thing, Toby.

JOSH: Get in the camo gear,

sling a 12-gauge over your shoulder,

get a few photos for the AP.

With a gun?

You were in the Marines.

You know how to shoot, right?

Yeah, a 20-millimeter chain gun,

but it might be a little hard on the pheasant.

Don't you actually want to get some votes

in one of these states?

SANTOS: When was the last time

you saw a politician answer a question he didn't like?

WOMAN: You're saying

the debate shouldn't matter?

SANTOS: No, I'm saying

the debate should be better.

Look, we're practically teaching media evasion

in kindergarten now.

"Look, teacher, the issue's not

"whether I pinched Dorothy during milk-and-cookies.

"The American people are more concerned

with the need for new nap mats, and I got a six-point plan..."

MAN: It's the politicians that turn them

into pumpkin- judging contests.

Oh, yeah, sometimes, sure.

But it's also the rules of the game.

Look, we've got one more debate

before this New Hampshire primary.

Do we really want another joint photo-op--

another 90-second sound bite

followed by a 60-second sound bite--

another beauty pageant without the beauty?

I think you're beautiful.

Well, maybe I'm working against myself here,

but the Dover Herald, they're announcing

their debate rules this afternoon,

and I've been banging on them.

Let's make it a real debate,

a debate where all seven Democrats

get to cross-examine each other.

Where we get to answer questions, like it or not.

You said politicians

never answer questions they don't like.

So, we hook ourselves up

to electrodes--

Crossfire meets Clockwork Orange.

I don't understand

the wooden eggs.

"Politics and Eggs--"

that's the name of the forum.

You ever tried signing a wooden egg?

It's one of those annoying Granite State traditions.

Like the actual voting.

Can we talk about your speech?

What about little wooden slices of toast?

At least you get traction with your pen.

You're doing a modified stump.

We beefed up the foreign policy section

because of these Pakistani nuclear sales.

The sound bites in bold. Fine.

Then you can sign some little wooden nuclear reactors.

I think I should open with the V.P. seal joke. Donna?

It's a hilarious joke

that's been hilarious 147 times, sir.

I've never done this forum before.

These people were at all the other forums.

Next week, they'll be at the forum on forums.

They're almost done with your introduction, sir.

Okay, I'm going to open with the V.P. seal joke.

Pound the foreign policy section,

I'm okay if you tell knock-knock jokes.

MAN: ...our guest

at this morning's Politics and Eggs,

Vice President Bob Russell.

( applause )

RUSSELL: Thank you, Bill.

And in case the kitchen staff is wondering,

I like my wooden eggs sawed in half and scrambled.

( warm laughter ) It is a great...

They just announced the rules for the Dover Herald debate.

Don't tell me they're doing any of this Matt Santos nonsense--

thumb wrestling if you misuse a statistic.

No, pretty thumb- free, in fact.

RUSSELL: ...the seal of the Vice President

of the United States of America,

And I will tell you

what I like best about that seal.

If you close your left eye and squint really hard

and tilt your head just so, it reads a lot like

"President of the United States of America."

The debate.

Trade the launch codes for a seltzer bottle,

I swear we could do vaudeville.

This is important.

They're putting the Vice President of the United States

onstage with six also-rans.

Believe me, this debate isn't important.

See, that's the thing.

SANTOS: And every year,

health care reform has been on the national agenda,

whether we passed it or not,

private insurers have kept their premium increases down.

So, uh, yeah, it ought to be part of the debate.

Thanks.

Any news on this, uh, Pakistani nuclear sale to Nigeria?

Pakistan's trying to back-pedal.

We ought to put out some kind of statement.

No one's asking, but sure.

"We need to lead toward a world

that's, uh, free, prosperous, and also nuclear-free."

That's good.

Second set starts at 9:00.

I have some bad news.

How bad? Bad.

The Herald's decided to use

the same old phony debate rules?

Russell and Hoynes just made

a huge media buyout of Boston--

close to 1,800 gross ratings points each.

1,800 points?

It's an ad war...

or an ad apocalypse.

I don't know where they're getting the money,

but we don't have it.

We ought to just ban TV ads altogether.

Screw the First Amendment.

Constitutionality aside,

New Hampshire votes in five days.

The airwaves are going to be flooded

with Russell, Hoynes and re-runs of I Love Lucy.

We need to change

the whole dynamic, or we're finished.

We need a silver bullet.

"A silver bullet."

A TV ad that'll vault us

out of the second tier-- turn this campaign on its head.

You want us to go deeper into debt?

No, but we can scrape together

enough to buy one minute of prime time on WMUR.

One minute against 1,800 points?

One minute that is

so gutsy, so edgy, so different,

that it'll be replayed for free

one every newscast in the country.

What's the ad?

( very softly ): I'm working on it.

Go on and buy that air time.

Hi.

Matt Santos.

You sell a hell of a sweater in this place.

Anything on the debate rules?

No interaction, no cross-examination.

It's everything we didn't want, but...

The debate's going to be a wash anyway.

Nobody's going to watch.

Everyone's calling it "The Return of the Seven Dwarves."

Two dwarves. Seven.

The one with the big nose used to give me nightmares.

Only Hoynes and Russell are invited.

They're limiting it to candidates

polling over 20 percent.

The Herald says they're the only ones that can win.

You guys are already working on that silver bullet, huh?

You know, if only front-runners can debate,

why not just bar the rest of us from the ballot altogether?

I mean, if New Hampshire

has suddenly become the Soviet Republic,

they might as well go all the way.

We're going to get in this.

They can't shut two thirds of the Democratic field

out of the debate.

Oh, come on, don't even call it a debate.

What do voters learn

from 90 seconds of canned blather

followed by 60 seconds of canned blather, anyway?

Timing, I suppose.

Look, there's a serious legal argument to be made here.

This can be seen

as an illegal contribution to both Hoynes and Russell.

I know the case law.

We get a team

of election lawyers, we storm

the District Court...

I don't want to sue my way into this, Josh.

Shame the Herald,

kick up a huge cloud of dust.

Maybe even the District Court stops the debate.

I don't want to stop it.

I want to get in it. Well, the publisher

of the Herald won't meet with us.

I could barely get past the copy desk.

( sighing )

Do you think the Vice President

really wants to, uh, go mano a mano with John Hoynes?

No.

Why elevate the number-two mano in a crowded field?

Maybe Russell will meet the publisher

of the Herald with us-- demand a full and fair debate.

Get Will Bailey on the phone.

And call that post- production shop in Nashua.

We need them open late.

We're going to make a TV ad.

RUSSELL: And I got a letter

from an eight-year- old girl in Portsmouth

who said, and I quote,

"You are the greatest Vice President of my time."

( warm laughter )

I'm not making this up.

Thanks for your time, folks.

Have a good day.

A two-man debate?

I told you the Herald was for Hoynes.

Tomorrow, they'll be denouncing me

for not giving him flyer miles on Air Force Two.

Josh Lyman just called.

Tell him he can have your job.

Today I think he'd take it.

Long as he fakes my signature on 300 wooden eggs.

Santos wants you to go to the Herald with him

to say that if all seven candidates aren't invited,

you'll stay home and scramble those eggs by your lonesome.

I can't look like I'm ducking Hoynes.

If you stand with Santos,

Hoynes will look like he's ducking the whole field.

What about his nutty debate rules?

We want the Seven Dwarves

to be able to take direct shots at me?

You realize you're one of the dwarves.

There are only seven candidates.

Well, there must have been a head dwarf.

That'd be Snow White--

not quite what we're going for.

Forget Santos's rules.

He'll be grateful just to get on that stage.

The more dwarves we have up there

with the sitting Vice President,

the smaller John Hoynes is going to look.

JOSH: Will and I choreographed

this whole meeting.

Okay.

Let Russell do the talking.

He's the front runner.

It should come from him.

Fine.

You can bob your head appreciatively.

I've been thinking about debate prep. Hi.

You know, you were right.

We should bring in someone to help.

I'll make some calls.

I've called someone already.

Who'd you call?

Someone I know from the Hill.

For performance stuff-- eye clicking, things like that.

"Eye clicking"?

Yeah, things like that.

Mr. Lowell.

Congressman, welcome to the Herald.

Mr. Vice President.

Matt. You've come a long way

since House Administration.

The Vice President and I served together

on the, uh, House Administration Committee.

Siberia of committees.

Non-binding resolutions

to limit the number of non-binding resolutions.

RUSSELL: Hey, that one was binding.

That must have been some time ago.

Yeah, I think it was back in...

Two years ago, actually.

LOWELL: Well, I'll be frank. We're five days

away from the primary, two days away from the debate.

No offense, Congressman,

you're not going to be the nominee.

How does it serve the voters

to clutter up the stage?

I'm sure Fidel Castro would agree.

Mackey, you're trying to do the right thing,

but it's downright undemocratic.

My lawyers tell me

that, uh, it could be an illegal contribution

to the two top campaigns.

Without the full field, I...

I don't think I can participate.

The people want another debate, Mr. Vice President.

I agree.

I was thinking of having my own, invite the full field.

Who needs the Dover Herald?

LOWELL: All seven Democrats.

Right as rain, Mackey.

We should also take a minute

to discuss format.

These debates can be better,

not just bigger.

We all saw what happened

in the New Jersey Senate debates.

LOWELL: Are we talking about the rules

you proposed? Don't we want this

to be truly democratic, with real back-and-forth?

A requirement that each candidate

has to answer the questions,

not just another seven- stump-speech collision.

LOWELL: Well, I'm all for mixing it up,

but if we proposed

a debate like that,

no one would agree to it.

What do you say, Mr. Vice President?

A real debate,

with all of the candidates

truly engaging on the issues?

Great. Terrific.

LOWELL: I have to talk

to my editorial board, but, uh,

I will take it to John Hoynes.

Matt. Mr. Vice President.

SANTOS: Thank you, Mr. Lowell.

Who do you think was the jerk

who wanted to limit non-binding resolutions?

That did go a bit off-plan.

I won't be a punching bag for Hoynes and Santos

and every second- tier welterweight

who wants a quick tabloid hit.

I'll call Mackey and revisit the format.

He practically threatened legal action in there.

I'll call him and tell him if they're using Santos' format,

we won't debate at all.

You call him and tell him

we'll pay for the debate ourselves--

just me and Hoynes, Herald rules.

Then no one can say it's an illegal contribution to anyone.

I didn't come here to be a guest lecturer

in Matt Santos' etiquette class.

Yeah...

So they're back to a two-man debate, thanks.

You did push the rules business a little hard.

I don't know how anyone's helped by us standing up there

spewing out poll-tested pabulum.

We're not trying to help anyone, we're trying to help you.

Spoken like a true Athenian.

So I guess we cancel the debate prep, huh?

No, you need to move ahead with it.

For a debate we're not even in.

We have to get in.

I got two election lawyers from Boston working on a brief.

You're still on this illegal contribution jag.

Even if Russell paid for the event,

he's still using the Herald's name,

he's getting a mountain of free media.

How is that not...

I am not taking this to court, Josh.

We could try the Bob Russell thing.

Get a bad haircut and break ties in the Senate?

No, hold our own debate.

Me and my bedroom mirror. No, I'm serious.

We rent the hall across from the main debate,

you personally invite all the other candidates,

we stir up the good government groups,

editorial writers, local activists...

'Cause the Dover Herald doesn't get to decide

who's a viable candidate for the highest office in the land.

Frank Capra, eat your heart out.

Can we use my debate rules?

You can use whatever rules you want,

just get ready to debate.

WILL: We're going to run this at about 600 points.

Very effective with swing-twos in the mall test.

( on TV ): I'm Bob Russell,

and I approved this ad.

NARRATOR: In the United States Senate,

John Hoynes had an 84% NRA voting record.

Now he claims he'll crack down on handguns.

As Vice President,

Hoynes praised Pakistan's defense minister

as a bold thinker, so bold he may now

be selling nuclear secrets to Nigeria.

You can't take America's side by taking both sides.

You sure we should run this?

Want to see his ad

on your Colorado mining connections again?

Hello?

Matt Santos

for the Veep.

He's tied up.

I still don't get why our ads are that negative.

I mean, of course I get it, but we're the front-runner,

do they have to be that negative?

We need to work up some Q&A for the two-man debate.

Want to grab dinner later?

You're... Are you asking me to dinner?

We've had dinner four nights in a row.

But you never asked me, we just went.

Who else am I going to have dinner with?

Everyone else on this campaign

is 14 years old and irons their blue jeans.

Fine.

Great.

I need the one-pagers on domestic policy, and, uh,

NSC guidance on Pakistan, thanks.

So... you want to grab dinner later?

Sure.

JOSH: Just set it up

like a real debate-- seven podiums,

a table for the moderator, the full drill.

When we get back to headquarters,

we'll draft a statement announcing this thing.

We'll miss debate prep.

Yeah, Santos is gonna work with a guy

I'm bringing in from the Hill.

Smart of you to widen the team.

Thanks.

What we're gonna do

is start a massive public relations crusade.

Tonight?

Yeah, do you have that list of opinion-makers?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, we're gonna call every political reporter

in this state, every party leader,

every PTA recording secretary.

We're going to tell them we're holding our own debate,

the Herald's debate is a sham.

We really believe anyone's going to cover our debate?

Ours is a Trojan debate-- it's never gonna happen.

We're going to turn public opinion

so they have to let us into the main debate.

Think that'll work?

If I wanted your opinion,

I would stick you in a focus group in Southern Missouri.

Let's talk about the ad.

I don't understand that either.

We're broke, okay?

We can't afford a huge, glitzy ad buy,

so we run something feisty, funny, out-of-the-box.

Turns our one minute of prime time into a national sensation.

Santos on ice skates wearing a goalie outfit

pledging to defend America.

Closer to the box than that.

Well, what's the message?

How 'bout our exclusion from the debates,

let's try that.

So what do we do,

film chicken coops and say they're

too chicken to debate us?

I want two volunteers.

I want them in giant chicken suits.

I want them in my office first thing in morning.

Chicken suits?

You think he's gonna like this?

He's gonna like what keeps him in the race.

But let's not, you know, tell him.

Funny, feisty.

Play around with the... poultry theme.

Hi.

Hi.

A little cold for ice cream, isn't it?

I mean, you could've bought just cream.

I embrace the cold.

Okay.

I luxuriate in the cold.

Can I ask you...

I fight cold with more cold.

What are you doing in New Hampshire?

I could ask you the same thing, but in your case,

it's more of an existential question, isn't it?

When I want dark, depressing thoughts

about alienation and nothingness,

I watch cable news.

That's funny.

You're funny.

You know what's funny?

That you didn't call me before you gave that speech

at the Shorenstein Center.

I run the Women's Majority Fund.

I make hundreds of speeches.

Trashing the entire Democratic field?

Saying we were going to lose before we even have a nominee?

I was throwing down a gauntlet.

Where I come from, it's called littering.

The field's pathetic.

Not one of them can take the Republicans in the fall.

I called them the Seven Dwarves for a reason.

I'm not going to get into an argument

about whether size matters.

I'm here in the trenches,

running a one-man show

and I'm sick of Democrats eating their young.

You wash them down with a little Rocky Road, it's not so bad.

You still haven't told me what you're doing

in New Hampshire.

Miss Gardner, your room is ready.

Simple answer is...

I'm prepping Matt Santos

for the debate you haven't gotten him into.

The existential answer...

is tricky stuff, Joshua.

I want you at every Hoynes

and every Russell event for the next 36 hours.

Obviously, Bob goes to the Russell events

and John, the Hoynes.

You know, Bob, John.

We're making a serious point here.

We're trying to turn public opinion, so...

no roughhousing, no tearing down signs,

no excessive flapping of the wings...

Don't lie about what you're doing there, don't heckle.

If you get the chance, you ask humbly and respectfully,

"Are you too chicken to debate the full field?"

On a personal note, thanks for...

you know.

Okay.

Let's go out and get 'em, guys.

So far, no one's accepted our debate.

And only the Monitor and Post-Dispatch

are editorializing

against the Herald's debate.

Two lousy editorials, that's it?

We've been calling everyone.

The nationals won't bite.

But I stopped by our alternate debate site and it looks great.

Tell our Potemkin advance team great work.

The second they post those editorials on-line,

I need pull-quotes for the ad.

Okay.

I don't understand why we're

not putting policy in the ad.

We got great policy.

We're trying to get free media.

Great policy doesn't give goosebumps

to bored 55-year-old segment producers.

As opposed to...

Chickens.

It's a complicated business.

You have no idea.

Josh, you're not gonna believe

who's on the phone.

I feel terrible making you do this

when I'm not even in the debate.

You're not in the Olympics either,

that doesn't mean you don't do some sit-ups now and then.

Well, you know, you've coached

about 50 women Congressional candidates to debate wins,

so there must be some secret.

There is.

Always keep an extra pair of pantyhose in your purse.

After bombing the way I did in Iowa,

I'm not going to rule that out.

Congressman, I looked at the tapes.

You're great.

You're quotable, you're cute enough

to be a Presidential- primary pinup...

Oh, wait until you see my runway work.

You don't have the Presidential voice.

The Presidential voice?

You don't have it.

And it's a time of global peril

and you're going to be sharing the stage

with two Vice Presidents.

Or not.

Congressman, what do you think of the ultra-nationalist

gains in the Russian parliamentary elections?

Well, it ain't the Litchfield City Council,

but Russia makes its own choices, and in a democracy...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just wrote the lamer half of Jay Leno's monologue.

You're not a House backbencher trying to get a quote on CNN.

Sobriety, understatement...

Let the words

carry the authority.

The Presidential voice.

Think filling out

a suit, instead of wearing bright orange...

Pantyhose.

I was gonna say neckties,

but what the hell.

How's the eye-clicking.

We're still on hosiery.

I need the Congressman for a minute.

Yeah.

Thanks, Amy.

How's the ad?

We'll have something by prime time tomorrow night.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Amy.

I just got a call

from Hoynes' campaign manager.

Hoynes wants to meet with me.

You think he wants us in the main debate?

I can't imagine why,

but we're getting some good editorials.

Maybe we're making more hay than I thought.

You want me to come with you?

After your soliloquy at the Herald,

maybe I should take the solo this time.

Okay.

Say, you got a few minutes for debate prep?

I mean, I know how you feel about me and...

You should get back in there.

You know what I'm finding about being out on the trail again?

What's that?

I never stop talking.

No, really, I'm surprised I don't babble like an idiot

in the shower-- 15 stops a day, eight speeches, five interviews.

I could do a good 45 seconds on your overcoat.

Okay, but let's not...

It's a stitch too little and a season too late, Josh.

You can do better.

America can do better.

You wanted to talk about the debate?

I don't.

Why'd you return the Congressman's call?

I called you, not the Congressman.

You think I want to tell him no?

You know how this works.

They only put me on the phone if I get to say yes.

I'm not gonna pretend you don't benefit from a two-man debate,

but there are already editorials

denouncing the Herald's decision.

Public opinion's turning.

You're gonna start seeing it at your events.

First of all, Russell's picking up the tab, it's his decision.

And second, the way Russell's hammering me in these ads...

I've gotta get him up there one-on-one.

So why did you want to see me?

I want to talk about Matt Santos's statement on Pakistan.

You're the only one.

"Free and nuclear-free."

I used that exact phrase myself

at the Merrimack Chamber.

If we're going to work from the same material,

let's find some way to coordinate.

We don't want to get caught up in a plagiarism charge.

What are you talking about?

Amy's memos. Amy?

Amy Gardner, her memos

on the Presidential voice.

That's where I got the Pakistan line.

I assume that's where you got it.

Now, if we're both going to use them,

let's divvy them up.

She gave you the memos.

"Security as the new women's issue."

Pretty smart stuff, don't you think?

Yeah, that's pretty smart stuff.

Time's up, Josh.

Gotta keep talking.

NARRATOR ( on TV ): When Bob Russell was in Congress

he voted for a bill that would have raised

gas and electric bills

for New Hampshire families by as much as 13%.

All so he could help his supporters

in Colorado's big mining companies.

That's the new Hoynes spot?

Hoynes approved it right into the camera.

You know, I fought for that in Congress.

We thought that if candidates

had to look right into the camera an approve every ad

it would somehow raise

the tone of these campaigns.

It's not working very well.

NED: Candidates just approve the negative ones

at the top, so by the time

they twist the knife you forgot who stuck it in.

...good for the Colorado mining industry,

but is he good for New Hampshire?

I'm going back the hotel for my debate prep.

One of the advantages of being Vice President,

aside from the motorcades and the planes and all the hoopla,

is the honor of standing behind the Vice Presidential seal.

And I'll tell you what I like

about the Vice Presidential seal.

If you close your left eye, you squint really hard

and you tilt your head just so...

Here's what's troubling me about our debate answer on Pakistan...

We're exploiting vague and unverified claims

that have been denied by the Pakistani and Nigerian cabinets?

I was gonna say our 60-second answer's more like 90.

I know. I hate it when clandestine

proliferation networks won't stay on the clock.

( Vice President continues speaking )

You sure that was Advil you gave me on the bus?

That's a very large chicken.

It's not the mascot.

Aren't these guys the Fighting Wombats?

Warthogs.

We magged him. He's clean.

May I ask about the debate--

why you're not willing to have full participation?

Are you chicken?

I'm going in.

May I ask, sir, why you're not willing...

Why, you're...

You're from the Santos campaign, aren't you?

Yes, ma'am.

Do you realize how pathetic this is?

Do your parents know you're doing this?

Pakistan could be arming Nigeria--

a potential Muslim coup--

and you're pulling shaving-cream-and-balloon-style pranks.

If this is his idea of democracy,

Matt Santos belongs

in a fraternity house not a debate.

Now go dip your beak in someone else's feed.

Tell me you're not going to use that.

There are whole generations of Russians

who were trained by the KGB.

Now, when the Wall fell,

they didn't all go open pizzerias.

Now that's not to say...

AMY: No, no, no. Bad, bad, bad.

If I could pull a lever and drop you through the floor,

I'd do it right now.

What, my analysis isn't right?

Your analysis is fine.

I don't know how to explain this any better.

It's not a pop quiz, and it's not

a late-night talk show.

The leader of the free world has to speak in broad concepts,

in value statements; "I love America,"

"I will lead the world towards liberty..."

Oh, I don't sound pompous enough.

You sound like you're commenting on events, not shaping them.

I don't shape them, Amy.

And it's not the way I think.

Congressman,

the prospect of first- strike capabilities

got to change the way you think.

Anything from Hoynes?

Yeah. I need five minutes with Amy.

Take ten. I'm gonna call my wife.

Show Amy how little I shape events.

I'm trying to explain the Presidential voice.

The difference between

leading the marketplace and catering to it.

The difference between, I don't know,

John Lennon and John Davidson,

Sgt. Pepper and the fifth Herman's Hermits album...

You should have told me you were working for Hoynes.

I'm not working for Hoynes. You're giving the same one-liners

to two campaigns.

It was a memo. I give it to all seven.

I suppose your love is a free gift

to the Bolshevik brothers, too.

Did you see the gender gap in the last election?

Probably not, 'cause there pretty much wasn't one.

Yeah, and since chicks really dig plagiarism,

this'll help.

Security's the new women's issue.

It's why we're losing all these races.

People are scared and Democrats sound like

a bunch of think-tank hair-twirlers.

So you pick a candidate and you help him, that's how this works.

And if that candidate doesn't win?

What do you want, a 90-day warranty? I want every candidate

to be able to take the Republicans.

Oh, you don't give a damn about the candidates.

You want... The whole party to be stronger,

that's right. We don't open our inner-circle

to dilettantes and Earth mothers.

Who's "we"?

You didn't even know I was coming.

No, but I know you're leaving.

And don't knock Herman's Hermits.

It's hard enough getting on the charts.

What happened in here? Amy practically

knocked me over in the lobby.

She's going back to Washington.

You fired her?

She's been advising the whole field.

Hoynes used the exact same line on Pakistan.

And she's brilliant, I can understand how you'd want her,

and she's my ex-girlfriend, so you didn't want to tell me,

but maybe if had trusted me for two seconds...

I knew she was advising everyone,

that's why I didn't tell you.

You think I care about your dating life?

Okay. ( clears throat )

Let's get back to Politics 101--

the object is to beat the other guys.

We are all getting beaten on security.

It's like these debate rules;

if all of us were better,

then maybe one of us would finally break through.

And did I just see chickens on CNN up in my hotel room?

This may not be the best time to bring this up,

but we have to get over to the District Court.

It closes in an hour.

No, we're not going to any cor-- chickens?

I had the lawyers finish the brief.

They're waiting at the courthouse.

Tell 'em to find an ambulance to chase.

In case you haven't noticed, we're in one.

We're hosting a debate that nobody is coming to.

Two lousy editorials taking our side...

You know all this,

why do you keep making me have this argument?

Because it's not the way

I want to do things.

Being in a real debate

like an actual candidate?

I got Amy

telling me to be more Presidential

and you want me to act like a mob attorney.

Okay, here's what Amy won't tell you

about the Presidential voice:

you have to become President to use it.

I had the brief, we were ready to go.

C.J.: Well, I got to tell you, if you end up canceling

your alternate debate because of lack of interest...

I know.

the field just shrank to six dwarves and a porcelain donkey.

Collectible, though.

You should have told him a court case

kicks up a media storm.

I tried. The guys has

the P.R. instincts of Idi Amin.

Now we're shut out of a debate we could have been in.

I fired my ex-girlfriend from a job she never had.

Santos practically had me battered, dipped and seasoned

when he saw Donna fighting a giant chicken on CNN.

Talk about dignifying a weak appointment.

You don't engage a chicken. Yeah.

Didn't you teach that girl not to engage a chicken? Though...

I swear watching the footage, it looks like she's going to pluck

the feathers right off that little cluck.

It's the best press we've had all week.

Got to go.

See ya.

RONNA: Post production guys worked all night, huh?

Yeah. Did you get a working cell number for Amy?

Actually she called

and left it for the Congressman,

but made me promise not to give it to you.

Hey.

Well, uh, let's see the ad.

RUSSELL ( on TV ): Health care costs are spiraling out of control.

That's something we should talk about in the debate.

NARRATOR: Then why has Bob Russell

refused to take part in a real Democratic debate?

HOYNES: The people of New Hampshire deserve to hear us speak

about the issues.

I'm looking forward to the debates.

NARRATOR: Then why won't John Hoynes debate all his opponents?

The Concord Monitor calls tomorrow's debate,

"Quite possibly an illegal contribution

to the Russell and Hoynes campaigns."

The Post-Dispatch says, "A subversion of democracy."

Or maybe they're just chicken?

( applause )

It's an attack ad.

Well, they shut us out of the debate.

We should crawl on our knees and thank 'em?

So you expect me to look into a camera

and say that I approve that?

We're going to put that at the top.

Thank you all for all of your hard work.

We're not running it.

Congressman...

this is your argument.

People deserve a full and fair debate.

It wasn't what I had in mind.

What did you have in mind?

I don't know.

Well, great.

I'll... I'll call the editing bay.

Tell them we need to overhaul the spot.

We really have not clue, but get it ready for broadcast tonight.

It's sketch comedy.

It's fun. It's feisty.

It'll get us on the news.

It's cheap.

What did you expect, the Roman Senate?

I'm sorry, but nobody else cares about

your Marquis of Queensbury rules.

I didn't want this to be some crank campaign

swinging wildly at the gates of Eden.

Well, guess what, that's what we are.

I like your debate rules, Congressman, honestly I do.

And I admire your campaign ethics.

But we're game players,

not role makers.

And if walk away from our last chance

to make any kind of splash--

and I'm telling you, this is our last chance--

the only rules we're going to need

are for a long, linger game

of shuffleboard.

We got a good ad.

We got a minute of prime time

on one of the top stations in the state.

You don't want to run it, it's up to you.

( soft knocking )

Do you need some time?

No, it's fine.

Maybe we could run a bit of your stump speech.

Get the footage from C-SPAN.

In less than two hours?

Yeah, probably not.

Say, did you, uh, happen to catch

the New Jersey Senate debate last week?

No, sir.

Someone asked about the situation in Freedonia.

And Barber said

that he was studying it.

Freedonia is fake.

It's from a Marx Brothers movie.

And there was no follow-up, no cross-examination.

The bigger story in the papers the next day

was how he slammed his opponent for being "too liberal."

You get into this

thinking to yourself that you're going to play by your own rules.

And then, bit by bit, you chip away at them until, uh...

you can't even name the game.

You were a History major over at, uh, U.T., weren't you?

Yes, sir.

You think there's such a thing as a Presidential voice?

Always seemed to me that the President makes the voice,

not the other way around.

We're going to WMUR.

To drop off the ad?

( tape clatters )

I'm going to do it live to camera.

Do what live to camera? Get a room and a laptop.

We'll figure it out when we get there.

Call the news director. Tell him we need a...

A room and a laptop.

Right. And call...

call anyone else you think you should call.

Congressman. Hi.

This way. Hey, this is exciting stuff.

We love live TV around here.

( sighs ) Yeah, me, too. Love it.

Is he going to talk about Pakistan?

Hard for a House member to make much of that.

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

You'll have to forgive the staff-- they're pretty jaded.

They hardly look up when the first-tier candidates come through.

TECHNICIAN: 15 seconds to live.

STAGE MANAGER: Stand by to roll VTR...

stand by VTR audio.

TECHNICIAN: Coming live in six, five...

STUDIO MANAGER: And roll VTR...

...four, three, two...

SANTOS: Good evening.

I'm running for President.

And if you don't know who I am, I wouldn't be surprised.

I've been shut out of tomorrow night's debate

for suggesting that it actually be a debate,

and this is the only ad I can afford.

I got in this to improve a broken school system;

to fix entitlements, 'cause they're going bankrupt;

to expand health coverage, 'cause it'll save money

if fewer people show up in emergency rooms.

What I've found

is that Presidential campaigns aren't about these things.

They're about clawing your opponents' eyes out,

so long as you don't get tagged for it.

So how 'bout this:

I will never say anything about my opponents--

or anything about anything-- without saying it myself,

right into the camera.

You might not get to hear much of me,

but when you do, you'll know I stand by it.

I'm Matt Santos.

And you better believe I approved this ad.

( microphone bristles and pops)

Hard part's clearing your throat, really.

Thanks.

Bye.

( chuckles )

( phones ringing ) Well I honestly don't know

if we could run the ad again. It wasn't really...

( ringing continues) I'm-I'm sorry.

Could you hold, please? Hello, Santos for...

Federal limit's $2,000, ma'am.

Could you please hold for a second?

REPORTER: John Hoynes isn't commenting on your ad.

SANTOS: And I'm not commenting on his failure to comment.

So, uh, tag-- he's it. ( reporter chuckles )

REPORTER 2: Are you planning to go on TV more often?

Yeah, I'm trying to get my own game show:

Let's Make a Country. I'll keep you posted.

( reporters laughing )

I don't understand the strategy.

I wouldn't call it a strategy per se.

I mean, obviously, we talked about it.

Before you wrote the ad?

Matt Santos wrote the ad.

C'mon, Josh, we're on deep background here.

Matt Santos wrote the ad.

Off the record, then.

You could put me in the witness protection program.

The guy wrote his own ad, okay?

I will never say anything about my opponents--

or anything about anything--

without saying it myself, right into the camera.

I'm Matt Santos.

And you better believe I approved this ad.

NEWSCASTER: It's hard to say

whether Congressman Matthew Santos' minute of prime time

can turn his flagging campaign around.

But many political observers agree that the most unusual ad,

run on rival station WMUR, raises the question:

If candidates mean what they say,

why don't they simply say it themselves...?

Look, Amy, it's...

really hard out there.

We got people lobbing grenades

at us from all sides.

Even our friends.

They need to know if he can take it.

Even your friends.

NEWSCASTER 2: ...for its part,

the Russell campaign says that, in fact,

it stands by all its ads,

which is why Bob Russell appears on-screen

at the top of each one, attesting to its veracity...

I should be calling columnists.

Don't.

No, we should be doing spin-off events,

county by county... Don't.

We should be sending out copies of...

Don't! Stop! This thing spins itself.

You send out copies, they're gonna stop running it.

So, what do I do?

Sit here.

NEWSCASTER: ...what Congressman Santos

did tonight, intentionally or not,

was put both the Hoynes and Russell...

What happens now?

Very little.

...on the defensive, and defending

a campaign reform law

that hasn't done much to clean up campaigns...

REPORTER: You think it's cynical

that all four of the other candidates

that were excluded from the main debate

have now accepted your offer to participate?

I don't call it cynical.

Yesterday this looked like a vanity exercise.

I might not have accepted it myself.

MSNBC's announced they're running

the two debates back-to-back.

And I'd watch 'em, but I'm busy that night.

( reporters chuckling )

RUSSELL: This is a disaster.

We're not getting a dime's worth of coverage

of Politics and Eggs, of our get-tough-on-Pakistan message...

The press loves an underdog.

How many points does he have behind this ad?

None. It's all free media.

Can we ramp up our media buy?

I think we need to pull some of our negatives,

replace them with positives.

That sounds like a retreat. National press will smell blood.

It's a multi-candidate field. If the press falls in love

with Mr. Squeaky Clean and we're rolling in the mud...

We're leading in the polls. How did we end up in a crouch?

I'm not changing my ads because of a stunt.

You saw this morning's editorials about the debate...

Thank God we kept him out of it.

He'd have probably shown up in a powdered wig,

quoting from The Federalist Papers.

That's right. It's a stunt.

DONNA: I disagree.

I don't agree, Mr. Vice President.

Maybe it is a stunt, but if it is,

we invited it-- by trying to ride above the herd,

by treating everybody else as if they were a herd.

You have to go to Santos' debate.

Then Hoynes would have to go.

Then we're letting the chips fall on you, on your ideas,

not on some Machiavellian maneuver.

SANTOS: And what's the alternative?

Alienating Pakistan, which cuts off

our only decent source of intelligence in that region.

I actually agree with John Hoynes on this one.

We have to keep that part of the world

free, prosperous and also nuclear-free.

Chest-beating's not gonna do it.

Thanks, Congressman. That's great.

Thanks, guys.

Where have you been?

I got, uh... tied up.

I'm fine if we want to bring Amy back.

Any news?

Uh... ( clears throat )

Hoynes turned us down for the debate again.

He must've been scared off by what he saw on TV,

'cause at this point,

even raw opportunism would suggest that...

Bob Russell for the Congressman.

Mr. Vice President.

Yes.

NEWSCASTER: ...and after Vice President Russell

decided to skip today's Herald debate

and join Congressman Santos,

the Hoynes campaign had no choice but to do so, as well.

One thing's for sure: The debate you're about to see

isn't the one John Hoynes and Bob Russell wanted.

I thought we had a tougher line on means-testing.

You're gonna want to save that for the cross-examination.

Right.

...far more freewheeling rules are sure to make

this seven-way debate a must-see.

Have you ever actually closed one eye and tilted your head

and looked at the Vice Presidential seal?

I hate to admit it, but yes.

Really just a blurry- looking seal, isn't it?

I'm thinking about closing botheyes.

( sighs ) What was it you said about front-runners?

Everything to lose, nothing to win?

And don't forget to tip the dealer.

Want to grab dinner later?

Who else am I going to have dinner with?

...the Hoynes campaign had no choice but to do so, as well...

ANNOUNCER ( voice echoing ): Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.

The debate will begin in two-and-a-half minutes.

I'd like to remind you that this is a live broadcast...

I don't know if I've served you very well the past few days.

What are you talking about?

The ad was your idea; so's this debate.

I never thought we'd be here.

It's a miracle I ordered podiums.

( chuckles )

Truth is, I can't think of one thing I've done

to make this your campaign, and not some...

cookie-cutter beltway hack-a-thon.

Oh, I can think of one:

You put me in it.

ANNOUNCER: ...for the candidates' responses.

Please reserve your applause until the end of the debate...

( announcer continues indistinctly )

...no flash photography is to be used...

I buy you an ice cream cone when this is over?

Finally, there is no food or drink permitted...

My flight's in an hour.

You're not gonna stay and watch?

I can never stand to see

candidates flub my lines, anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

tonight's moderator, Alexander Thompson.

THOMPSON: Welcome.

Thank you for joining us today for the final debate

of the New Hampshire Democratic primary.

( applause )

For the next 90 minutes, our panel will ask questions

of the candidates, and all candidates will answer,

and all candidates must answer before the debate is to proceed...