Original subtitles

Ooh, ooh.

Guess who is in the building?

One of my favorite people.

Who, Chef Boyardee?

No.

Sasha!

- Ew. - You mean, Sasha, Sasha?

- 'Uh-huh.' - Triple Platinum Sasha?

Okay, she's the bomb, son.

She alright, man. She ain't all that.

I mean, you know..

...take away her money and her-her-her fame

and you just got like a regular girl.

Yeah, you take away your goatee and your muscles

and you just got me.

[Dee laughing]

No, come on, Shawn, now. She is a diva.

She got a Oscar and a Tony.

I don't know why people are so fascinated by superstars, man.

I mean, they're just regular people.

If I meet Sasha, I'd treat her

just like any regular old broad.

Yeah? What, hit it and then change your phone number?

[laughing]

Now, I mean, real, kid, yo.

I mean, you know Sasha's probably used

to people like puttin' her up on a pedestal.

You know, guys tryin' to jock her.

- Uh-uh, Shawn! - No, no, no. On the real.

Yo, if I met Sasha, in real life

I would just treat her like, I-I would be a roughneck.

I'd snatch her by her hair and go, "Come here, girl!

Come, talk to daddy."

Well, daddy, since you're here

how about dinner tonight?

You know, that's funny, Dee, for a minute there

you sound just like--

Sasha! Sasha!

Oh, my God! Sasha!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Oh, my God!

Hey, hey, hey, man. Quit actin' like a damn groupie.

Sasha! Sasha!

So well-opinioned and you're not even on my payroll.

- Payroll. - Payroll.

- What's your name? - Um, my name is Shawn Williams.

How are you doin'? I'm Marlon Williams.

I like to be calledpapito.

So, Shawn, you know, you seem so sweet

and handsome.

How about dinner tonight? 7:30, let's say?

[stammering] 7:30.

Uh, fine with me.

Alright. I'll pick you up.

Alright.

Oh, and Marlon, if I can find

a girlfriend desperate enough

I'll hook you up, okay?

Alright!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[music continues]

(Dee) 'Oh, look at you!'

All ready for your date with your superstar.

What you two, what you two gonna talk about?

I don't know. What do you talk about with a superstar?

How much you got in the bank?

- Well.. - That's true.

Ask her, what she was thinkin' about

when she wore that low-cut dress to the Oscars?

Girlfriend showed more breasts than KFC.

- Hey! - It was..

Why don't you just ask her about her work?

- What is she doing now? - Oh, actually..

She's about to start this play called

"Bringin' The Noise, Bringin' The Fun."

Oh, word. Shawn, I'd be perfect for that.

You always say, I'm loud and stink.

Wassup? I'm your brother, man.

- Come, on, stop. No! - Come on, Shawn.

- Come on, man. - 'No. Stop.'

Imagine that, if I don't wash for like three months.

- I just-- - 'Oh, Marlon. Stop it now.'

I'm not gettin' you no job.

- Stop it. - Yes, Marlon.

You just be satisfied with a few hundred

autographed pictures like me. Please.

Oh, no. Y'all gonna stop this now.

- Y'all gonna stop this now. - No, no, no.

- Mmm. Mmm-mm. - Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

- Look at you. - Look at you, girl.

When I die, I wanna come back as your dress.

Just so I can wear your ass out.

Are you ready to go out tonight?

Oh, yeah. Most def.

Um, actually though, I want you to meet

a couple of people, uh..

This here is my brother, Marlon.

'You met him earlier.'

- This here is my tacky pops. - How do you do?

- And this is Dee. - Hi!

- Oh, no! Y'all stop it. - Come on, Dee.

- Pops. - Take it up for the wall.

(Dee) 'Alright, smile..'

- Okay. - Come on, man.

I'm sorry. Hey, you know..

I'm also in show business as well.

I was on tour last year in the critically acclaimed play

"Mama, Move Your Big Old Ass, Girl."

That was good. That was good.

I got a whole bunch of positive Mark Liquor commercials

out in the market right now.

I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.

Oh, well, you know. I also sing just like Jonas.

♪ Oo-oo-ooh yeah ♪

♪ Oo-oh no ♪♪

Come on,let's go.

Now, listen, I got a stack of things I'd like you to sign.

[indistinct chatter]

- Ooh, yeah! - Will you stop it?

[indistinct chatter]

- Come on. - Will you stop, Marlon?

You know, I can also dance too.

- Watch this. - Watch.

Watch that!

Alright.

I dance like a filler too.

- Do the baseball. The baseball. - The baseball, the baseball.

- Watch this. - Ooh! Yeah, baby.

Okay. Alright.

Do the home run. Do the home run. Do the home run.

Ohh, yeah. Oh!

Ah! Safe!

He's good. He's good.

Oh-whee, girl. This place is fancy.

Mmm. Mmm-mm. Yo.

You know, they even have locks

on the bathroom stalls.

The places I usually go..

...you got to keep your feet up like this

to keep people out. Hey, whoa. Hey, hey!

A man here. A man here.

Sasha! Sasha. Where have you been keeping yourself?

- Oh, we've missed you. - Thank you.

Woo! Man!

This place is pretty expensive, bro.

Now, it's a good thing I had a big lunch.

I'm just gonna have, you know, probably, some bread sticks.

A glass of water, and a little bit of lemon.

Oh, please, Shawn. I'm payin'.

Oh, in that case, um..

...let me have the $200 lobster.

The $85 salad and, uh..

What's that stuff that Puff Daddy be drinkin'?

That Darn Pigeon. Give me some of that.

Very good, sir. You got the last lobster.

Really? Oh, man. That's too bad. I really wanted a lobster too.

Oh, for you, I think I can round one up.

I'm sorry, sir. We're out of lobster.

May I suggest something else?

May I suggest my foot in your behind?

These people, they kiss up to me all the time.

It's so nice to be on a date

with a real down-earth guy like you.

That's right, baby girl, and that's why you should always

date New Yorkers, 'cause we keep it real.

Yeah, well, I know, because I'm a New Yorker too.

I went to Humanity's High School.

- Are you serious? - 'Hmm-mm.'

We played your football team.

You guys suck.

I know. I was the cheerleader.

Really? So was my brother, Marlon.

- Yeah. - Can I have your autograph?

Sure. I'm sorry, Shawn.

- This will just take a minute. - It's alright.

Come on, tell me what you did after high school.

Well, I went to junior college for two years

and I majored in business.

You can make that out to Natalie.

'Go on.'

Um, anyway, um..

So, you know, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do

so I, you know, I did a lot of island hopping.

Really? The Caribbean?

Oh, no. Staten Island, Long Island.

Biker's Island.

Fantasy Island.

[screaming] That is Sasha!

- Are you somebody? - I am somebody.

Oh. Here we go.

- Chris Tucker. - That's right, man!

That's right, man! Now, get out of here, Tiger Woods.

'Get out right now.'

♪ Pop-pop pop-pop ♪

♪ Pop-pop pop-pop ♪

♪ Look at me what about us man ♪

You don't sing.

- You're crazy. - And you know this, man.

You know, you're smart. You're funny.

I-I just don't, don't take this wrong.

I just wanna know, why you running a newsstand?

Uh, well, see, girl. That's just the beginnin' of my plans. See?

'Cause, uh, by the year 2000, I wanna have

like a whole chain of newsstands, you know.

I wanna be like the Starbucks of newsstands.

- Wow! Ambitious too. - Yeah.

I gotta tell you.

You're a real diamond in the rough.

[chuckles] Well, speaking of rough

I know my hands are a little dry.

No, no. I told you people before you can't come in.

[sighs] This is annoying.

Doesn't look like we're gonna have a quiet meal.

So what? Let's get out of here.

I know a place that makes greatnachos.

- I love me somenachos. - You like somenachos?

Let's go get somenachos.

Hey, and thenachos

But you gotta pay for the cheese sauce.

Great.

Hey, yo. What's up, y'all?

I just got back from partyin' with Sasha all night.

And boom! You can read about it in today's..

Oh, I did. I have it right here.

"Yes, he did. Who was that nubian prince

"on the arm of Sasha at the opening of Track 99.

Oh, it's her new boy-toy, Sam Williams."

- Sam Williams? - Hey-ya, Sammy!

That ain't funny. How can they mess my name up like that?

I'm surprised, you two are still together after two weeks.

Yeah. You know, I-I dated a girl for two weeks once.

Yeah, and then she got her memory back.

Shawn, I've seen that look in your eye before.

- You are sprung. - Ha ha ha.

A little somethin', somethin', pops.

I just didn't expect it, man.

I mean, we really been vibin' lately.

She gives my life, fantasy

and I give her a little bit of reality.

Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. That's great.

How's the sex?

- We didn't have sex yet. - You what?

After all this time, you mean to tell me

you haven't hit the skinge?

Boy, what happened to your morals?

Yeah, then what are you wastin' our time for?

Don't you guys get it? Look.

I could tell Sasha things that I never told

any other woman before.

Oh, you mean, like the time pop caught you

wearing mom's heels and her lipstick?

Boy, that wasn't me. That was you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, anyway, since you and Sasha so close

why don't you pass her my videotape?

"Enema Of The State."

Marlon, are you crazy? I ain't givin' her no porno.

Oh, no, no. See? I taped over most of it. Come on, man.

I still think she got you whipped. Pew.

(Shawn) 'Are you crazy, pop?'

Hey, y'all, I tell you straight up right now, pop.

I'm in charge of this relationship.

- I'm the man. - Shawn? Let's go.

Yes, dear.

Bye.

[instrumental music]

Woo!

Oh, uh, sorry about the mess, girl

but my maid got deported last week.

Don't be embarrassed.

I, once, lived in a place kinda like this.

Are you sure?

I got some roaches up in here so big

I had to put 'em on my lease.

I have to say, I've had the best time in the past two weeks.

You're everything I can ever want in a man.

- Hmm. - Hmm-mm.

And I know it's been..

...difficult dating me.

No, actually, I had a great time.

I'm havin' the time of my life, girl.

Even white people started be nice to me.

You know what? I have a surprise for you.

I booked us seats on the Concord

and we're gonna spend the weekend in Paris.

- Paris? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. What's the special occasion?

Sit down.

I want everything to be perfect

when I pop the question.

Whoa! Hold up.

Look, Sasha, I-I think you're a great girl

and you probably make a beautiful wife

but I think we need to slow down.

- You think? - Yeah.

Shawn, I'm not talking about marriage.

- You're not? - No, man. That's a big step.

We've only dated for two weeks.

That's what I've been sayin'.

Woo! Good, girl.

- I'm sure. - Oh, my God.

For a minute there, you scared me.

I thought you was gettin' sprung, I ain't even hit it yet.

- Oh, God. - You know what I mean.

I just want you to be the father of my child.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Shawn, Shawn, Shawn.

You're so lucky hangin' out with

the biggest celebrity on the planet.

I know. I was pretty bugged, pop.

And now, she wanna take me to Paris.

Ooh, that beats the time I went to the Bronx

with tattoo from Fantasy Island. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I bet I know how you got there too.

You took the train, bus, the train.

[laughs] Hey, look here, man.

Since, you goin' to Paris, why don't you bring me

an authentic souvenir? Somethin' you can only get in France.

- Like what? - French fries.

Shawn! Shawn, you are going to Europe.

Aren't you more excited?

Man, what, did she make you pay your own way?

No. It ain't anythin' like that, pop.

But she told me last night that the only reason

why we're goin' is just to have sex.

[laughs] Hey,monsieur.

There is nothin' wrong with a littlela bang, bang, bang.

Yeah, but, pop, the sex is not for pleasure.

It's for reproduction.

You're gonna have sex on a copy machine?

Oh, man.

Those are gonna make some

bomb-ass Christmas cards.

What? What do you mean, son?

I mean, she want me to be her baby daddy.

Oh, I'll be right back. I have to make a call.

Ooh.

National Enquirer?

This is Dee.

You would not believe..

Shawn, you mean to tell me, you gonna be

married to a superstar?

Alright!

♪ Money being made around here ♪

♪ Ah money being made around here ♪

♪ Aw Range Rovers diamond rings big old house ♪

♪ If you like that kinda thing ♪

♪ Money being made around here ♪♪

No, pop. There ain't gonna be no wedding.

She just wants my baby.

You're gonna have a baby out of wedlock?

What do you think you are? NBA player?

Now, wait a minute, son. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that, now.

I mean, it's okay as one thing

if you, if you have an accident

you know, like you're just foolin' around

in the back of the '69 El Dorado.

And then Al Green on the eight track

and your stomach is full of apple wine.

- Then, that's different. - Don't listen, man.

He's still drunk off the apple wine.

Look, here, what you wanna do, Shawn

you had that baby, right? You get the custody, right?

You write the story of how she payin' you child support.

Then you write it, you sell the rights to HBO

do the TV movie and then boom!

I play you in the life story.

♪ They're gonna be some ♪

♪ Money being made around here ♪

♪ Money being made around here Range Rover ♪

♪ Big old house ♪ ♪ Diamond ring ♪

♪ If you like that kinda thing ♪♪

You know, y'all are ugly together.

Hey! I can't believe we in Paris, girl.

Hey, Sasha.

I just have to say Jean Claude Van Damn

this place is fly!

You know, it's my favorite city in the whole entire world.

I know, and the people here are mad cool, man.

They just sit back and drink wine all day.

Remind me of Harlem.

I just love everything French.

Really? How about a French kiss?

Shawn. Shawn, Shawn.

I really want tonight to be so special

a night we'll never forget.

So, um, go pop a bottle of champagne

and get yourself ready, and I'll be right back, okay?

Yeah. You go get ready for daddy.

Or for daddy!

Yeah.

[laughing]

- 'How are you doing out there?' - 'I'm alright.'

You look so comfortable. Nice and relaxed.

I'm glad. So, are you ready?

[scoffs] Girl, I've been ready since the first day

I laid my eyes on you.

The question is, areyou

[knock on door]

Now, I'm ready.

[cheering]

Yeah! You gonna turn me out on the first night, girl.

Oh, my God. You know what?

I heard all kind of rumors about Hollywood people

and how freaky they are

but I had no idea they were true.

So, uh..

...how you wanna do this?

Well, why don't we stay here and why don't you

go make your way to the bathroom?

Ah! I get it. Y'all wanna role play.

Alright, I'll be the runaway slave

y'all be the white girls in the park.

Yeah, but if we get caught, don't tell master.

I'll go get a whip.

Uh, here. Take this cup with you.

Oh, you want something to drink first, alright.

No, no, no. It's for you to fill up.

Hey, somethin' tells me we're not on the same page.

Well, Shawn, this is Dr. Leveau.

She's my fertility specialist.

We've been charting my cycle, and I'm so fertile.

And we need you to go quickly fill that cup up.

Uh, just call me Speedy.

Right.

Um, but my question is

why can't we just do it the old-fashioned way, you know?

I prefer it this way.

The percentages are better.

Shawn, I'm sorry.

I-I should have made myself clear.

You probably thought we were gonna sleep together.

Yeah. The thought did cross my mind.

More than your mind, apparently.

No, please. Keep that thought.

Alright, I'll do it, I guess

if-if it means we're gonna raise a healthier baby.

Well, Shawn, it's not quite like that.

I'm gonna raise the baby myself.

Oh!

Now, I get it.

When you said that I was everything you wanted in a man..

...you didn't mean me.

You meant my genes.

Doctor, can you excuse us for a minute?

Shawn, let's sit down, okay?

No, I don't want to.

Oh, come on.

Mm-mm.

Alright.

Come on.

The moment I met you

there was not a question in my mind

you were the perfect one.

You're the perfect one to father my child.

Yeah, but I thought we had something.

We did. We had fun.

You weren't falling in love, were you?

No! I wasn't fallin' in no love.

This whole love stuff

is overrated, you know.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm cool, you know.

I-I just had somethin' in my eye.

Don't worry.

The baby is gonna grow up having

everything it wants, everything it needs.

Yeah. Except the father.

But-but it will have a male influence.

My bodyguard, Raoul.

I want my baby to know more than just thesalsa.

Look, Sasha.

I couldn't live with myself knowin' that

my baby was out there bein' raised without me.

When I have a kid, I wanna be there for it.

I wanna see him take his first step.

Get his first gold tooth.

His first Jerry curl.

When I have a baby..

...I wanna be more than just a father.

I wanna be a parent.

Oh, Shawn. I knew I picked a good man.

It's a damn shame you're too good.

Sorry, I wasted your eggs.

Oh, well.

Well, we have the rest of the night.

Let's say, you and I get changed

and we go check out Paris.

- I bet. - Alright, cool.

- Now, Sasha. - Hmm-mm.

Straight up now. Tell me.

You sure you don't wanna have amenage.

- No. - Alright. Oh!

[instrumental music]

Don't worry, son. You did the right thing.

I know, pop, but I still miss Sasha.

I mean, I-I thought we had somethin' special.

Well, it wouldn't be right if you weren't around for your kid.

I can't imagine not being there to see you and Marlon grow up.

Yeah, we may not be famous

but at least we got each other, right?

- 'Right.' - You know what I'm sayin'.

- Guys. - Hmm.

Says here that Sasha is offering

five million dollars to the perfect donor

to father her child.

(both) Five million dollars?

[instrumental music]

Perfect!

- Alright. Okay. - I dance like a filler too.

Do the baseball. Do the baseball.

The baseball. The baseball.

- Watch this. - Yeah, baby.

Okay. Alright. Alright.

Do the home run. Do the home run.

Do the home run. Oh! Wow!

Oh! Ah! Safe!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say, "Cheese."