Original subtitles

Yeah, Bernie, I just got the script.

It just got to my house.

- Ha ha! - Alright, alright.

Alright. Peace.

[Shawn laughing]

- Hey.. - Ow!

Hey, do me a favor, man. Help me run these lines, please?

They want me back on "Everybody Loves Everybody"

as, uh, Lucius, uh.

Yo, hey, hey, hey, chill, Marlon.

Can't you see I'm watching TV, man, I'm trying to watch

"When The Pit Bulls Attack The Elderly. Part Two."

Ha, see, he just made a hole in that colostomy bag.

Come on, Shawn, what's more important?

This or that?

Come on, help a brother fulfil his dreams, man.

Who knows? I could be on the next "Pit Bulls Attack."

Ah, alright, alright.

Right, Lucius. Let me get in character.

Oh, yeah, brother!

Hey, uh, Lucius, where you been for the past few months?

Oh, yeah, bruh, I been, uh..

...I been..

- Where I been? - At the DMV.

At the DMV, you know how long those lines are.

Uh, come on, man, get me to lead in.

Who do you think I am? Denzel?

Eh, okay. At.

"At."

- The. - "The."

- DMV. - "DMV."

You know what, I've had enough of this.

- I don't wanna do this no more. - You know what.

I've had enough of this. I don't wanna do this no more.

I'm serious, I'm trying to watch this.

I'm serious, I'm trying to watch.

- Will you stop? - Will you stop?

(both) Leave me alone, get outta here.

- Stop, wha.. - Stop, wha..

- Hey...I'm not.. - Hey...I'm not..

- It's not funny. - It's not funny.

- Oh, ha, ha, ha. - Oh, ha, ha, ha.

- I'mma pay you back. - I'mma pay you back.

Thanks, stupid.

[mimicking Lucius] I'll see you later.

That ain't in the script.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful guys.'

'Dynamite.'

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Hey, boy, I still can't believe

they got you using the bathroom

as your dressing room.

No, no, it's, it's pretty cool, man.

I mean as long as you keep a window cracked.

Boy...I got an ulcer.

You ain't gonna use my dressing room, are you?

No, no, no.

- Oh, man, the.. - What's wrong?

[sighing] The extras union screwed up again.

No!

They get 10,000 naked guys for "Amistad"

but can't get me a cashier.

Where in the hell am I gonna find

someone who can be convincing playing a loser

who's stuck in some dead-end job? Where?

Shawn, that'd be perfect for you.

What?

- Come on, you.. - Yo, hey, no.

Hey, Marlon, chill. I ain't no actor, man.

Uh, uh, we're really desperate.

Help me out here, homeboy.

Look, I've never taken an acting class before in my life, okay?

I'm not gonna play myself on national TV, forget it.

The pay's 90 bucks and I'll throw in a free lunch.

Where do I stand?

Right over there behind the counter.

[bell ringing]

Okay, everybody, we're gonna do this

in about a sec and a half.

Have a lotta fun, lotta energy, let's go.

In five, four, three, two..

Hey, Vanessa, double decaf skinny latte

and it's on you.

And you know that.

Two lattes please.

Thanks.

Hot and steamy, just like I like it.

Anytime.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Okay, cut, cut! - Shawn, man, dammit.

Look, you're an extra, you're not supposed to talk.

You're not supposed to act, you react.

It's not, it's not high, it's..

Let's do this again, okay?

And this time you say "anytime"

kinda, you know, sexy it up, a little bit.

- Okay. Alright. - Okay?

And-and Vanessa's gonna take it from your line.

- Okay? Let's go. - Okay, alright!

- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. - No, no problem, no problem.

Just do it again. Be sexy.

I still get my, I still get my lunch and my $90?

(Bernie) 'Lucius, you wanna get your pants tightened?'

Wear 'em tighter?

In five, four..

'three, two..'

And you know that.

Two lattes please!

Thanks.

Hot and steamy

just the way I like it.

Anytime.

Hey, Lucius, where have you been the last few months?

Oh, you know me

I was down at the DMV.

That's right, and you know how, uh..

...long those lines are?

Anytime.

'Anytime.'

Anyt-i-i-ime!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Marlon?

You ain't mad that they asked me

back to the-the show, are you?

I mean I-I could use the extra money

things are a little slow at the newsstand.

No, no, man, I ain't mad. Come on, now.

I'm happy for you, brother, I'm always happy

to see a brother come up, you know.

Guess it's.. It's a black thing, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm proud of you, man. Do your thing.

Congrats!

Oh.

By the way, you have a huge zit on your forehead.

Oh, my God, it looks like this.

Are you serious?

It's huge, I mean you could squeeze

a whole lot of mayonnaise out of that.

- Oh, God. - Where, where's it at?

- And is your hairline receding? - My hair?

Oh, man, it looks real thin like Howard Hewett.

- Where at, in the back? - Anyway, have a good.. Yeah.

Have a good show. All over. Yeah, have a good show.

We're 10 minutes long?

Geez, we're gonna have to seriously cut something.

Hey, rookie, I got some bad news.

Looks like they're making some cuts, you know.

They're gonna some of your stuff

but don't worry, that's just Hollywood, man.

- Don't take it personal. - It ain't no big deal.

- You'll be alright, son. - I'm straight.

Sorry 'bout this whole loser thing, you know.

- It's alright. - Come here, let me comfort you.

Uh, Shawn, can I talk to you for a sec over here?

Stand tall, stand tall.

Uh, look, Shawn, we need to make some cuts

and I know you're new, but, uh..

You know what, I'm fine, Bernie.

Um, you know, it don't matter.

I understand, this is Hollywood. You do your thing.

- As long as I get my check. - Oh, hey, hey.

We're not cutting you down

we're gonna make your part bigger.

Actually, we're-we're cutting

the whole apartment scenes out.

Wait, hold, hold.. Hey, hold up.

Time out, time out.

Now the apartment scene is my only scene, Bernie.

Sorry, that's showbiz, babe.

[laughing]

[Marlon murmuring]

Hey, hey, Marlon. This is no big deal, man.

Hey, you said it yourself, man, it's no big deal.

I was lying, jackass.

I can't believe this, man.

I'm out and you're in.

You...back scrubber.

I mean stabber!

[instrumental music]

Brother can't do nothing right.

[instrumental music]

It's alright, man, it's no big deal.

It's okay if you got cut from that episode.

Ain't like they cut you from the whole series.

Plus you'll be back next week in time for the lab episode.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And everybody's gonna be watching that one.

Yeah, everybody's gonna be watching that.

- Man, I'm trippin'. - Told you, kid, look, nobody..

Look, nobody's gonna make a big deal out of it.

- Okay. - Alright. Trust me.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

(Pops) 'Bang!'

Congratulation on you debut

in show business.

I told you it's no big deal, ya'll.

Now who would've thought I had an actor for a son?

Hold on. Hold on, negro, I'm an actor.

Of course, Marlon, you call what you do acting.

[mimicking Lucius] Lucius.

Yeah, we call that a shirt lifesaver.

Look, you guys, I told you, look, I only have one line.

And I wouldn't even have that if it wasn't for Marlon.

Thank you. Can I get a little credit?

Thank you.

Oh, nonsense. D-do Bill Cosby.

Ooh, you can do Bill Cosby? Let me see it.

Oh, yeah. Cosby, that's current.

- Come on, please. Come on. - No, I'm not gonna, I'm not.

[mimicking Bill Cosby] Oh, I'm not going to.. Oh, oh.

No, no, no.

Now, Camille, you know

I like when you play with my Pudding Pops.

Oh, you make me one of those Jell-O Pudding Pop.

Ha, ha-ha, speakin' of Jell-O Pudding Pops

why don't you wiggle your big old ass outta here?

Come on.

- Don't be.. - Come on.

Don't be mad 'cause you can't do Cosby.

Anybody can do Cosby.

Snoop Dogg, Puffy Combs

Gary Oldman, Mickey Mouse.

- Everybody can do Cosby. - Yeah, alright.

Uh, if anybody could do Cosby, let me see you do Cosby.

[mimicking Cosby] That boy b-b-b..

I'm sorry, Marlon. I'm sorry.

I didn't know they were gonna throw a party, man.

You know how brothers are, they throw a party after everything.

[mimicking Bill Cosby] Oh, my goodness, Lil' Ray Ray just got left back

for the third time.

Party at my house.

Party in my Cadillac.

Come on, Marlon, man.

Look, I told you, I don't even like this acting thing, man.

But, Shawn, that's the problem, man.

You don't like the acting thing, I do.

- This is my livelihood, man. - I know.

Shawn, ever since we was little, son

you shined in everything.

Everything. Girls, grades, school, clothes.

I mean, come on, man.

I finally found something I'm better than you in

and here you go out-shining me again.

- Marlon, but.. - No, son, I'm saying is..

Can I have something for me?

That's what I'm trying to tell you, Marlon.

- Will you listen to me. Look.. - Yeah, Shawn, you're the best.

God, Marlon, eh, I.. I can't win, Marlon.

Look, I'm trying to tell you I'm not trying to steal your dream

alright, man?

And even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

I mean, you, look at you, you're a great actor.

That's true.

[instrumental music]

[girls shrieking]

It's the black guy from "Everybody Loves Everybody."

So cute.

See, kid, man, your fans still love you, man.

- Yeah. - Have a sleep on that.

I hate this part.

[Marlon screaming]

We saw your show last night and we think you are the greatest.

[sighing] Can you say your line for me?

Oh, come on..

Alright, just once, okay?

[chuckling] Anytime.

[exclaiming]

Any...anytime.

[girl sighing]

Anytime.

Say, anytime.

Anytime.

Anytime.

Hey, listen, uh, you guys know we're going out live?

Hey, you don't wanna wreck the place

before we do the show?

Sorry. I'm sorry.

We're going out live tonight, okay?

That means no mistakes, no retakes.

And you better learn these brand new lines, my friend.

They've written you a whole new scene.

- I got a new lines? - New lines, new scenes.

- Big scene. - Thank you, man.

- Okay, yeah. - Eh, hope it's a boy.

Hey, man, see that, man?

And you were worried about my little role for nothing.

- Come on, kid. - Well, hold on, Shawn.

Shawn, they got me goin' to a hospital.

That's good, that is so perfect for you.

'Cause you could just, uh, display a lot of emotions.

Shawn, it's not good, man.

They, I don't make it out of the hospital.

They killin' my character off.

[sobbing] Mummy-y-y!

- Hey, uh, Corny, umm.. - It's, uh, Bernie.

Bernie, look, I need to talk to you about Marlon.

Now, I hope you're not killin' his character off

just to replace him with me.

Well, actually we are.

I mean, he maybe funny, but..

...you have sex appeal, and that spells big ratings.

Wha..

Well, does he have to get killed off, man?

I mean can't there be two black guys on the show?

Two black guys?

Last time that worked was on "Different Strokes"

and that was only one and a half black guys.

Listen, don't worry about it, just go focus on your script

'cause as you know we're going out live tonight.

And we cannot afford to have any mistakes. No mistakes.

No mistakes, huh?

[instrumental music]

- Hey, what's up, baby boy? - Uh-huh.

Did you memorize your new lines yet?

Memorize 'em for what?

All I gotta do is close my eyes

and just wait for it to be all over.

Hey, now you know how your dates must feel?

Come on, Marlon, cheer, I'm just trying

to cheer you up, man.

Look, besides, you know what?

I think these guys gonna realize

they made a mistake by killing you off.

[bell ringing]

Okay, everybody, we're going live

for real this time.

Lots of energy, let's go.

- Alright, good luck. - Alright, man.

Have a good show.

Alright, come on.

In five, four..

...three, two..

[instrumental music]

What can I get you?

I'm pooped, I need a pick-me-up.

Oh, you-you mean a pick-me-up?

You mean all the drugs that you picked up in your dressing room

before you came out here wasn't enough?

Umm, he he, don't you mean, um

one latte coming right up?

Oh, yeah, coming right up.

Coming right up kinda like your court date

for your little daughter that you don't take care of.

[crying]

Wha-what's gotten into your brother? What's he doing?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know..

I-I've no idea.

Oh, okay, Cooper, guys stand up, stand up.

We're live, do something, move. Move, move, move. Talk.

Well, uh, it's getting late.

I guess I'll...head home.

I'm kind of beat.

[laughing] Beat?

Like the way you beat up your wife?

I have nothing to do with this. Don't blame the brother.

Don't be scared, little white girl.

I'm not gonna, gonna say anything about you.

'I ain't gonna bother you.'

I mean 'cause everybody knows

you sleeping with the producer.

You little slut.

You and him cooked this up, right?

I-I didn't cook up nothing.

You tapping off what's her name?

Cut, commercial!

[bell ringing]

What you giving me attitude for?

- Was that fun? Ha? - What?

Was that fun? Wrecking the show?

Was that fun? Well, I hope it was.

Because, Shawn, you are finished!

You're finished, man! Done!

Finished!

- So, I'm finished. - Oh, yeah!

- My character is dead. - Done.

So that means if you kill me

that means you have to keep Lucius.

[instrumental music]

[gasping]

[coughing]

I'm dyin'.

'I'm dyin'.'

Mama..

Mama, is that you, mama?

- No, it's Vanessa. - Oh, yeah?

Oh, Vanessa.

Oh!

I'm so glad you're still alive.

What happened to me?

When you left the coffee shop, you were hit by a car.

The doctor say you don't have much more time.

I-I know.

I know they said it.

- Come here. - Yeah.

[whispering ] Promise..

Promise me something

Promise you'll do

Lucius something.

Mm, uh.

Anything.

[whispering ] Promise me

you'll tell my brother

I said I love him.

'And thanks for everything.'

Tell him thank you..

...for everything.

Okay?

My eyes?

My eyes, I can't see.

I can't see. Oh, oh, I'm scared.

We're here, Lucius.

Please tell the nurse

to change my IV from electrolytes to Kool-Aid.

You hear that?

You hear the violins playin'?

Oh, they sound beautiful.

I think Puff Daddy did the remix.

Oh, I guess it's all over.

May the Lord be my German Shepherd.

It ends now.

Please don't die, Lucius.

It's alright, Scott Mayo.

Hey, you tell everybody..

...Lucius..

...loves..

...everybody.

[flatline]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, kid. - What's up, man?

Hey, yo, you sabotaged you bein' a star for me.

- That was sweet. - Hey, man.

- You know.. - That was sweet.

Yeah, Shawn..

...Mr. Saboteur.

All that money

all those pretty freaky women ready to do anything you want..

...and I thought Marlon was the stupid one.

Come on, pop, what will all those freaky girls

and all that money mean

if my little brother wasn't happy?

- 'Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.' - Yeah. Hey, kid.

I thought the stuff you came up with was pretty funny.

- I was laughing. - I thought it was funny too.

- Better than that script. - I know.

You were exposin' more dirt than Oprah.

(Bernie) Hey, yeah. Hey, Marlon.

Marlon, I-I'd just like to congratulate you

for the fine work that you did in the hospital scene.

Oh, thank you, represent..

Appreciate that, you know what I'm saying. Word up.

A-and for that reason alone, I'd really like

to keep you on the show.

- Really? - Yeah.

But Shawn's work was so bad, the network cancelled the show.

Thanks a lot, man.

Oh, well, well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Black, wait a minute.

All is not lost.

Since you lost that show, I got an idea for another one.

Two brothers sharing an apartment.

They got a handsome sharp-dressing father

who runs a diner.

- Bang! - You three will do a show?

Let me tell you little bit of how television works, okay?

These studios and networks put up millions of dollars

to do these shows, the only way they can make their money back

is to sell the re-runs and maybe make a little profit.

Alright, and you're gonna do a 100 episodes of a show

about you two brothers

one goofy, might've been dropped on his head when he was little

we don't know, one who can't do a line

from the script to save his damn life.

And a father who dresses like he just had an explosion

at a wallpaper factory?

Hey, hey, no, no. No, I got an idea.

How about, how about Shawn and Marlon

produce the show too?

Hey, better yet, how about

we get, uh, we get the security guard

who's addicted to donuts into the show, huh?

Hey, I got an idea for a show.

How about you three play in a show..

Uh, let's see, what's the idea?

You play, uh, three guys I never see again!

[indistinct chatter]

Anytime.

A-anytime.

Anytime.

Anytime.

Any-y-y..

...time.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.