Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, snap, Janet Jackson!

Oh, you just Janet from 125th street.

Hey, yo, Marlon, man. I am pumped, kid. Yo, man.

I can't believe my baby brother was a presenter

on the African-American Nubian-Negro

Colored Black People Award Show.

Kid, it was so nice to see Rick James get that

Marion Berry lifetime achievement award.

Yeah.

I guess.

What do you mean, you guess?

Marlon, ever since you got

on this sitcom, you've been blowing up.

The perks keep getting better and better.

We rode in a limo

with Def Jeff and Cheryl Pepsii Riley.

I know, but, Shawn, look.

All these people are here signing autographs

nobody's is askin' me for my autograph.

I don't have no fans.

Marlon, y-your biggest fan is right here.

- Where, where he at? - Marlon..

Hey, what's up , baby? You want my autograph?

- Hey. Come on. - What happened?

Me, I'm your biggest fan.

- Oh, you. - Sign my autograph, kid.

Come on, hook a brother up.

- Alright. - Sign my autograph.

That's sweet of you.

Alright.

To my brother Shawn

my number one fan

- Oh, snap, J. J. Fad! - I love you, boy.

[blabbing]

- Marlon! - Help me.

Give me your pen! Thanks.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[upbeat music]

Shawn, how did you get the editor

from "Ghetto Jive" magazine

to put a article in there about Marlon?

You must've pulled a lot of strings.

Pop, the name of the magazine

is called "Ghetto Jive", okay?

Last week, they had an article about "How to take the boot

off your car with a spam key."

[laughs]

- 'Come on, man.' - What's the deal, yo?

- What's up, big-time? - Chillin', papo.

(Pops) 'Hey, son, how're you doing?'

- What's up, man? - Yo, man, do me a favor.

Go s-stack this on pile

of "Ghetto Jive" magazines on the shelf.

Yes, sir, Mr. Shawn. Ha ha.

You see anything interesting on the cover, son?

Oh, yeah.

They're gonna put ODB on a two-dollar full stamp!

[chuckles]

- Oh, Shawn, look at.. - What?

- There's a article about me! - Right, yeah.

Check this out, pop. Look it here.

Hey, I felt bad for you the other day

so I pulled some strings.

Yep, and it paid off till they got you in a great location

right next to, look

"The Giant Booty of the week."

And she is fine too.

Look, you can barely see the knife wound.

Yeah, but should she be drinking that 40 ounce

while she's pregnant?

Yo, I put a lot of good things in this magazine about you.

Marlon, I didn't know

you were a bed-wetter.

Kid, why are you tryin' to play me, Shawn?

You know I stopped doing that two years ago.

Don't worry about it, man.

Maybe you can sign some rubber sheets for Planet Hollywood.

You can clear it all up, son, when the people

write into your fan-club.

- I got a fan-club, pop? - That's right, kid.

And I set you up with some personal appearances

and pop got you a webpage on the internet, now what?

And I got some great ideas for your webpage.

Pops, I didn't know you knew anything about the internet.

Oh, Dee, I've had a website for over a year.

Yes, I have.

I use it to sell chili recipes, poems

and every Wednesday, I have a live sex show.

Oh, please..

My God, come to think of it

I got to hurry up, show time is in an hour.

[instrumental music]

- What's the deal, papo? - What's up, baby boy?

You got some mail on the table.

Oh, thank you.

All this is for me? Oh, my God!

Shawn, look in here, the girls are sending me

their panty drawers, brother.

- That's my laundry, stupid. - Ew!

Here's your fan-mail.

- Oh, cool. - Right here.

I'm glad, I couldn't read all this anyway.

I'll be cock-eyed like the lead singer from Onyx.

[imitating Sonny Seeza] No jack moves, son!

Yeah, baby.

You kinda dumb, you're little slow.

- Oh, shut up, read it. - I'll read it for you.

"Dear Marlon, I really enjoy your show.

"My friends and I get together every Tuesday night to watch it.

"We think you have the sexiest butt on TV."

I told you the butt-blaster works.

Shawn, Shawn, look at that butt.

- Look at that. - Yo, come on, man.

Come on, man, stop.

- What? - Little butt cheeks.

- Like the small letter W. - Ha ha.

"I kiss your picture every night before I dream about you.

Ah, yeah.

"Gotta go. Love, Terence."

Whoa!

Ha! "Cell block D."

[chuckles] Terence better write somebody else.

- Alright. - Let's see what this one is.

[imitating a woman] "Dear Marlon, I have written a fan letter before

"but your performances have touched my soul very deeply.

"I'd love to meet you one day.

"Sincerely, Woof Love, your number one fan

Cynthia Martin."

Check it out, she sent the picture.

- Oh, man, she is bangin'! - Oh, snap.

- She is fine, kid. - Yes, she is.

She looks like Vanessa Williams.

- I know. - What's up?

You're gonna write her back?

I'm gonna do better that that!

- I'mma go see her. - What?

Come on, Marlon, you can't do that!

Why not? Come on, man.

Look, Shawn, she said, I touched her soul very deeply.

Now, maybe she'll let me touch something else very deeply.

Yeah, right, well, maybe Pops will start washing

his hands before he cooks meatballs.

Alright, you can't do that, kid.

Come on, man, why're you player hatin'?

Hey, don't player hate, brother. Congratulate.

Hey, don't hate the player, baby, hate the game.

Marlon, look..

Ain't nobody player hatin', okay?

All I'm doing is looking out for you.

Don't you understand that your fans

see you as larger than life?

And you don't want to do anything

that's gonna destroy that image.

Oh, come on now, I ain't gonna do nothing

to destroy that image. Ah!

If you keep diggin' that far up in your nose

you're gonna pull a piece of your brain out.

Ha ha.

Just listen to me, please? Trust me.

Trust what I have to say.

Stay away from your fans, okay?

- Alright. - Thank you.

- Alright. - Alright.

- Don't even try. - Ha ha.

[door closes]

[beeping]

Yeah, hello, Cynthia? I mean, uh, hello, Cynthia.

Yeah, you'll never guess who this is, baby.

Marlon Williams.

Hello, a-alright! Hey, hey!

H-hey-hey, loud mouth, calm down now.

O-okay, calm down.

What you doin'?

Some yoga?

What position are you in now?

Okay, uh, what's your address?

[instrumental music]

(Cynthia) 'Come in!'

Hello..

Hey, hey, hey. How are you doing?

Uh, I think I got the wrong apartment.

Uh, I'm looking for Miss Cynthia Martin.

Can you tell me where she's at?

- Mm-hmm, well.. - Oh! Damn!

Who threw the brick in your mouth?

Actually, she lives here.

I'm her roommate Phyllis.

- I buzzed you in. - 'Uh-huh.'

Hey, are you doing? Cool.

[chuckles ] Yeah.

How you doing, I'm Marlon.

- Nice to meet you - 'Oh.'

Long distance. Let's keep it right there.

Marlon, I know who you are.

Please have a seat. Come on in.

Alright, now.

Your roommate must be a pretty big fan of mine, huh?

Well, actually, hm, hm, I'm a big fan also.

H-hey, you, you're probably the biggest.

[chuckles]

Oh, I just love the article in this magazine.

Oh, it was so sweet

how you go back to the hospital

where you were born.

And you read to all the sick--

Yeah, that's great, that's great, wonderful, yeah.

Children read a lot, yeah.

Can you do me a favor and get Cynthia for me, please?

- Oh. Ha ha. - Thanks, be a pal.

Appreciate that.

I-I'm sorry. I'll go get her.

- Alright. - Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, by the way, um, I made Kool-Aid for you.

I know that lemon is your favorite flavor.

Well, actually, it's uh, lemon-lime.

I only had lemon!

It's delicious, I love lemon.

[chuckles]

Will you get Cynthia for me?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Guess the girl really is a fan!

Look at this. An "Everybody loves everybody" lunchbox.

Oh, she got my program from "Mama, What We Gonna Do Now?"

Oh, man..

[sniffing]

What's that burning smell?

Oh, my God!

'What in the hell..'

God...these people are crazy!

This chicken should be in a refrigerator.

[intense music]

Oh, man, I ain't feeling too well.

I'mma get outta here.

Ah!

How do you like your shrine?

Well, you know, I'm not, too big on surprises.

Ah, well, maybe you'll like this one.

There is no Cynthia.

By the way..

...How'd you like your Kool-Aid?

Hey...Kool-Aid.

Mm, butt-blaster.

[eerie music]

Oh, my God, Shawn..

...I had the worst nightmare.

I had a dream, I went to this crazy fan's house.

And she had this ugly behind roommate

I mean, butt ugly.

And her teeth was all spaced out.

It looked like she

like her tongue was in jail.

[dramatic music]

[screams]

Oh, it's about time you woke up, sleepy head.

Come on now, Phyllis, what's with the..

Come on, let me go, and where's Cynthia?

Cynthia! Cynthia!

[screams] Cynthia! Cynthia!

It's okay, I told you

there is no Cynthia.

I'm the one that sent you the letter.

But t-the picture?

The picture looked like Vanessa Williams.

That's 'cause it was Vanessa Williams.

You tried to manipulate me. You're gonna try and torture me!

But it don't matter, you can use whips, chains

nipple clamps..

You do have nipple clamps, right?

'Cause if not, I got some right here in my back left pocket.

- Go for it. - Oh! S-silly.

I don't want you for sex.

Well, at least not until after we're married.

Negro, I ain't marrying you.

Well, then you must die.

Oh, wait, wait.

You didn't let me finish, I was saying

I ain't gonna marry you unless I invite my family first.

I'm sorry.

You won't be seeing them ever again.

Hey, look here, Cavity Creep..

...my family's gonna come lookin' for me

and they're gonna find me

'cause they love me more than anything

in this whole wide world.

Boy, it sure is nice and quiet.

Mm, yeah.

I wish Marlon wasn't here every day.

Hey, yo, Pops, you seen Marlon?

No, son, why? Did he steal your money again?

No, man, he left me waiting at his audition for three hours.

Audition for what?

For that new, uh, "Planet Of The Apes" TV series.

Oh, Marlon would be good at that.

Too late, they already gave it to Biz Markie.

Biz Markie?

Yeah, they said he was perfect

'cause he didn't need any make-up.

[sighs] Oh! I just remembered

this morning, when I saw Marlon, he was on his way

to a fan's house.

He went.. He went to that fa..

I told him not to go to that fan's house, man.

Why? It's no big deal.

Dee, he's going over some strange girl's house

that he doesn't know, that's claiming to be

his number one fan.

So? Years ago

I had the biggest crush on El DeBarge. Ha ha ha.

Okay, okay. Alright.

- Close your eyes. - Uh-huh.

Now, think of El DeBarge, all light-skinned.

- With his curly hair. - Ooh!

And now think, all the nasty, crazy, freaky things

you'll do to him if he came over your house.

Go look for your brother.

- Go, look for him. Ha ha ha. - Alright, I'll gotta go back.

I gotta go back to the apartment and get the address.

Yo, pop, you coming, what's up?

No, son, I'm going to that audition.

Y'all say, I look like Cornelius.

[instrumental music]

I just wanna thank you for changing my clothes.

You know, it's kinda hard going to the bathroom

with these handcuffs on.

And thanks for the baby wipes

they made me feel real fresh too.

You're lucky, I have those extra clothes lying around.

- Cookie? - A-ah.

No, thank you. They're fattening.

I mean, uh, uh, t-they're bad for your teeth.

I mean, uh, uh, just no, thank you.

Hey, look here, yuck mouth!

You can't hold me, I'm outta here.

Get this!

[screams]

I thought you'd try something like that!

[screams]

Now, you're not going anywhere!

That's it! That's it.

[grunts] Alright, enough of this.

Look here, normally, I don't practice cruelty to animals

but you're about to get your behind kicked.

Come on. What you want?

I used to watch "Kung Fu" when I was little, huh?

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

[screams]

Sit your punk ass down!

- Get up! - Oh, okay, wait, no.

No!

Okay, hold on. Alright.

Now, keep still!

(Marlon) 'Hey!'

Wait, no. Hold on.

- Wait, stop! Stop! - Aha! Aha! Aha!

Hammer time! Oh-oh-oh.

[screams]

[knock on door]

Uh.. Who is it?

(Shawn) 'It is Shawn William. Marlon William's brother.'

You in trouble, now. You in trouble, now.

You wait, I'll make him call the dentist. They're gonna get you.

You'll play along if you know what's good for you.

- I'll bite you. - No, no!

- Mm-hmm? - Hey, yo, my man..

- Huh.. - Um..

Is Marlon Williams here?

Oh, well, yes, actually, he is.

Um, he's my guest.

Oh, and he's been telling me all about his career.

- Bye-bye, now. - Hey, hey ,hey!

Why are you treating me like a Jehovah's Witness?

Oh!

Can I talk to him for a second?

Oh, well, no, oh, we'd really rather be alone!

Wouldn't we, Marlon?

Y-yes, yes! Yes!

- 'See?.' - No!

Um, well..

Okay, well, I, guess I'll be on my way then.

- Mm, okay. - Hey, whoa, whoa!

Um..

Could a brother get something to drink first?

Uh, oh, alright.

Thanks, dude.

[door closes]

What is wrong with you, man?

I've been looking for you all day long!

You're supposed to be at your audition, instead you've been

flirting with Chewbacca Khan.

Well, I guess, I just been a little bittied up, Shawn.

What, is that all you have to say for yourself, huh?

No! Look out!

[grunts]

(Pops) Shawn?

'Shawn, you here?'

Pops, the place looks empty.

I don't know, Dee.

Shawn has never ditched the newsstand before.

I think something is wrong.

I know, I should've gone with him

to check out that crazed fan.

It's up to us to find him now.

Well, how're we gonna do that?

Well, first, we've to scout the apartment for clues.

Fingerprints, hair, papers, anything.

Good idea. I'll start with the liquor cabinet.

Okay, go.

Mm.

Oh, Pops

I found a fan letter with an address on it.

And I think I got a clue at the bottom of this bottle.

Hey, come here, come here, come on, come here.

Come here, this is it!

This is it!

The crazy fan!

Yeah!

Okay, let's go get my boys.

I'mma bust your ass

"Terence from cell block D!"

No, we gotta keep looking. He can't go in no jail.

Not cell block D..

[instrumental music]

♪ Give us us free ♪ ♪ Give us us free ♪♪

Oh, shut up!

Hey, look here, Godzuki..

...you can't hold us too long.

My brother Shawn over here is practically a genius.

He went to junior college for eight months.

So, if I came looking for him

somebody will definitely come looking for me.

Yeah, you're right.

What was I thinking?

I can't hold you guys hostage forever.

You sure can't, so you might well just bite

through these chains and let the brothers go.

Huh, no. I guess, I just gonna have to kill you.

Well, I'mma put this poison in your dinner.

Oh, I hope you like Rice-A-Roni.

Oh, my God, I can't believe how crazy this lady is.

Yeah, I know. Who doesn't like Rice-A-Roni?

Soup-corn!

- Oh, thank you. - Mmm.

- Hey, man! - What?

Put that down.

Why are you doin' this?

Marlon embodies everything I've ever wanted in a man.

Oh, thank you, girl.

Oh, I thought you were better than the rest.

But he's just the same!

All he cares about is a pretty face!

And a nice booty.

Hey, girl, from here to here

you got it goin' on.

Hey, girl, y-you do have a pretty face.

Ew!

Oh, you're just saying that.

No, no, no, no, for real, oh, no, real girl.

Your eyes, they're beautiful.

They are a prettiest shade of brown.

And your hair is so silky and fine.

And that's just your goatee.

[laughs]

No ones' ever complimented me on my hair before.

Oh, that smile.

[chuckles] Ooh, that smile.

They're like you brush your teeth with grenades.

Oh, sexy tooth

grant a dying man one last wish.

What's that?

Rock my world!

Here, man, quick, just eat the poison.

It's a lot quicker.

Well...I was saving myself for Marlon.

But since he ain't acting right..

...I guess, I can give you some!

Ay! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Hey! Whoa!

Woo-hoo! Ah! Ow! Whoa. Uh!

Come on, isn't she a knockout?

Yeah, yeah, someone knocked out all her damn teeth.

No, Marlon, isn't she..

Doesn't she have like, a beautiful vase?

It's a knockout!

The vase is a knockout!

Vase. Knock out!

Oh, vase!

- Oh. Oh. Ooh. - 'Damn!'

Look, Shawn.

- I knocked her out! - No, you didn't!

[screams]

Boy, what's wrong with you, man?

Hitting my girl like that! Are you crazy?

Oh! I can't stand you!

Oh, you-you alright, baby girl?

Yeah, I am, but you ain't gonna be!

Well, w-w-wait!

I'm not waiting. No need of poison!

- Oh, boy! - No, No!

[indistinct chatter]

Hey! Put your hands up!

Now, where did y'all come from?

Just hurry up! I'm missing my stories.

Get outta here!

- Oh, pop! - Thank God, you boys alright!

Oh, thank God, you boys alright.

There you go!

Oh, pop, man

we were starting to get scared for a minute there.

- Yeah, me too, son. - You're, you sure?

It probably doesn't kick in for another month!

Shawn, I just want to thank you for coming to get me, man.

I'm sorry, I almost got you killed.

It's alright, kid.

You know, I always got your back no matter what.

- Right? - Yeah.

But I hope you learned your lesson this time.

Yeah, next time I go to a crazy fan's house

I'm bringing my own Kool-Aid.

Come on, let's go.

[instrumental music]

Don't be wastin' all this good food.

Man, y'all know that ain't right.

- Marl, no, hey! Pop! - Hey, pop, no!

Pop!

[indistinct chatter]