Original subtitles

Hey, yo. Hey, baby boy.

Yo, I got some extra tickets to the Knicks game.

You want to come with me?

Ah. Nah, man. What happened?

I thought you was going with Stacy.

Nah, man, that broad broke up with me.

Yeah, she said I wasn't paying enough attention to her.

Or something like that.

I couldn't hear with my Walkman on.

Oh.

Sorry, black, I can't go.

Me an Pops are trying to win $5,000

on American Video Bloopers.

- Five thousand dollars? - Fivet-thousand

- Hi, guys. - 'Hey, what's up, Dee?'

Hey, what's up, Dee?

Why don't you take Dee?

I mean ever since her and Lance broke up

she's been takin' home a lot of..

.."Do It Yourself" books.

- Hm. Yeah, good idea. - Alright.

Hey, Dee..

You wanna come with me to the Knicks game tonight?

I got some extra tickets.

I got really really good seats

right next to Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Bryant Gumbel

you know, all the white people.

Ah!

Okay, but I have to warn you

the last time I went to a Knicks game, I fainted.

For what? Hunger? 'Cause they ain't have your nachos.

- Get my nachos. - No.

Because all those tall handsome

millionaires running around

with those nylon shorts, sweating and bumpin' it.

Ooh! I'm getting dizzy just thinkin' about it.

Marlon, you sure you can't come?

No, hey. Ssh! Ssh! Here comes pop.

Shawn, we're about to be $5,000 richer.

[humming]

Ah!

Woo!

Oh, my, my privates.

Aha!

I'm gonna kill you as soon as I uncross my eyes.

No.

I taped it, we're gonna win $5000

on America's Video Bloopers.

- Say hi. - Five thousand dollars?

- Yeah, say hi. - Hi.

Well, well, well, stupid

you left the lens cap on.

Oh. My bad.

Hey, look, I guess we'll just have to do it again, pop.

Shawn..

Videotape this.

Action!

Ah!

You get it? Did you get it?

Nah.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[upbeat music]

You really went out with Dee last night, huh?

Yeah, sure I did, partner.

And I had a ball.

Yo, Dee is mad cool, man.

As a matter of fact, last night

I've seen a whole another side to Dee.

Really? Were there big breasts on that side too?

Ooh! Big breasts. You're talented.

No, I'm serious, Marlon, she's cool, man.

As a matter of fact, we're gonna hang out again tonight.

She's taking me to the Missy concert.

Oh, word? What the deal?

She gonna hook up with security guards?

No, actually, check this out. Missy owes her a favor.

See, back in the day, Dee let her off the hook

for shoplifting some hair gel.

Oh, that's cool, man. I hope you have fun.

'Cause I'mma be at home thinking of more

video blooper ideas.

Marlon, how many times I gotta tell you, nobody wants

to watch anything fake on video.

Shawn, obviously, you haven't seen the Pamela-Lee tape

'cause there was two very fake things in there.

My God, Dee, I'm so excited. I can't..

I can't wait till Missy goes on.

Yo, I love when she does that little crazy dance.

What?

♪ I got what you want ♪

♪ I got what you need.. ♪

♪ Baby baby baby ♪

♪ Baby baby ♪

♪ Baby baby baby baby baby.. ♪♪

I hope I do it a little bit better that that.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is.. Is that you? Is that you?

- Yeah, what's up? - Is that you?

- Yeah, that's right. - Is that you?

'That ain't you. That ain't you. That ain't you.'

If that's you, then, then-then do..

Ficky, ficky, ficky, yeah.

- Ficky, ficky, ficky, yeah. - Yo, that's her. That's you!

That's you. Ah! Oh, my God. I love you.

Oh! Okay, don't touch her.

I love you. I love you. I love you!

- Yeah. - Uh, I love you.

Like I was telling you that you have been

inspiration to, to little people like me and Dee.

Especially, Dee, she's just a security guard.

She makes $3.35 an hour.

And you make mad cheese. Mad chees..

Oh, my God.

Is that from Titanic?

- Oh, my God. Yo-- - Are those from Titanic?

Oh! You! Oh! You got jokes.

You got jokes! You got jokes!

Oh! You got jokes! You got jokes!

- Is that an S-curl? - Oh-ho-ho!

I am only playing. I am only playing.

Yo, let me get a cross, so I can show my brother.

- Shawn. No. No. - Uh, get off me. Get off me.

Oh, my God. I gotta say, yo..

I gotta say. I am only playing. I love you.

- I love you. I love you. - Hey, Shawn. Okay, yeah.

I love you. I love.. You know, I love you.

I got some questions for you, though, please, answer this.

Tell the truth. Alright. You're in the business, right?

Do you think, you think

"Whodini" will ever get back together?

No, no, no, who do you think will win in a fight

"Full Force" or the "Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E"?

No, I gotta ask you this, I gotta ask you this

for my little brother, he always wanted to know this.

Is Tupac still recording albums?

Look, I don't know that.

I just don't even know what to say to you.

Get off me, Dee. No. No.

Don't you play with me. You took me. You took me here, alright?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Um, can we take a picture?

- Mm. - You got a camera?

Okay, oh, it's alright. Dee, draw us.

- No. No. No. - Come on, girl.

- Draw us. - You are embarrassing me.

- Lets' go. Let's go. Let's go. - Wh.. What?

Oh, you can't take a picture with me now?

- I love you. I love you. - Let's go. Yeah, I know

- I love you. - She knows. She knows it.

She knows it. Go on.

Girl, I am so sorry.

- Who is this guy? - Ooh! Please!

How are you?

Ooh!

By the way, thank you for the tickets.

You're welcome. Oh.

I see you got yourself a little cute one, huh?

- He got a job? - Oh, no, no, no.

It's not like that. We are just friends.

- No job, huh? - No!

Well, look, why don't you go and get your seat

and I'mma go get ready, okay?

- Alright! - Girl.

This hair looks fabulous.

I hope you've paid for the gel this time.

[laughs] Ah!

I got you. I got you. I got you.

♪ I got what you want ♪

♪ Say what I got what you need ♪

♪ Can I get another shot what what ♪

♪ This time I'mma make it hot ♪

♪ Now now now I got what you want ♪

♪ Say what ♪

♪ Got what you need.. ♪

Oh, here comes Missy.

[cheering]

♪ Hey yo I'm sittin' on the side of the curb ♪

♪ With a pocket of herb ♪

♪ I don't know if y'all heard ♪

♪ I'm high as a bird ♪

♪ I can fly like Kelly ♪

♪ I can glide like skates ♪

♪ Me with no Timbaland is like Puff with no Mase ♪

♪ Wait hold up wait a minute what you say ♪

♪ Back it up give me space who that Nicole Ray ♪

♪ By the way DJ better play all day ♪

♪ Make the whole world say damn this sucker Ray ♪♪

Oh, oh, you know what we should to play? Unbe-weavable.

Every time we see a crazy wig, we have a drink.

Alright, alright.

Hey, were y'all in baps?

Oh, my God. Who did her hair? Baskin and Robbins?

Yo, yo, yo. What's up, y'all?

Yeah!

I liked that. Now check this out.

I'mma send this to all the ladies

that take what they want in life.

Y'all know what I'm talking about?

[cheering]

Yeah, uh, like the sister over there with the little cutie.

(Dee) 'Smack that.'

Right there. Oh, God, that's right, girl Okay.

I got what you want right here, Missy.

Yeah, look like Stella ain't the only one

that got her groove back.

Oh!

See, see Missy think I look like Angela Bassett.

Yeah, I think Missy been drinking too.

♪ Make it hot baby make it hot ♪

♪ Say what say what ♪

♪ Hey yo ♪

♪ A'ight.. ♪♪

Woo! Ho-ho!

Ah, I am tired.

Thanks Dee for carrying me up the stairs.

It's alright. That's alright.

Oh, my God.

Alright.

Now, I got you home

safe and sound.

[laughs] You live here.

Oh, snap.

I knew this place looked familiar.

Oh.

You are really drunk.

No, I ain't.

Look up, Marley.

Say cheese.

Can I have some water?

Yeah.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

(Dee) 'Oh!'

Uh-uh! This is a jam now.. This is joint.

Uh-uh, this.. Here, come on.

Come on, Shawn. You gotta dance with me on this one.

- What? - Uh! This is my favorite song.

- 'Uh!' - Come on.

- Come on. - Come on.

- Alright. - 'Okay.'

What up?

You smell good, Dee.

It's Bengay.

You smell so good, you turn Ben from gay to straight.

Me-Ben-straight.

Oh, man.

- You know what, Dee? - What?

- You good people. - Oh!

No, no. No, real. you-you good people.

I like, I like hanging out with you.

- Me too. - I am serious, I mean.

No matter how many girls I hang out with, I..

Even though I hang out with all these stupid girls..

It's nice to hang out with somebody that is

finally, somebody real, you know.

Someone who's a good woman.

Oh!

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

My head is killing me. Oh!

Uh!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Oh! Shawn, what're you doin' here?

I live here.

What're you doin' here?

And where are my drawers?

You mean you're standin' there without nothin' on?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Dee.

- 'Uh!' - We-we couldn't have..

- We didn't.. - No. W-w-we..

No, no. We wouldn't. Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Hello, lovers.

It's morning..

Man, it smells like burnt porcupine meat up in here.

Look, nobody's no lovers, okay? It's just me and Dee.

Alright? And nothing happened.

Yeah, nothing happened.

I guess that's why you're standing here

butt naked with lipstick all over you, huh?

- Oh, my.. - 'Yeah, Dee.'

I came in here.. I come by the apartment

three O'clock in the morning, all I heard

was the bed springs bouncing.

Vikki-viki-vik-vik-vik-vik!

Vikku-vikki-vikk!

Then I heard some Tarzan yells.

And, Dee, you was thanking God

more than a rapper at the Soul Train Awards.

Oh! Thank you, Lord Jesus. Thank you for some young thing.

No! No. No, no, no.

No, see, I only walked Shawn home

to make sure he got in alright.

Oh, well.

He got in, alright.

I didn't mean that.

Ooh! God. Oh!

No, I-I gotta go. I gotta go.

- Marlon, here, look, okay? - Whoa! Whoa, buddy.

I'mma tell you for the last time. Nothing happened.

So shut your mouth.

- I ain't saying nothin'. - Alright, good.

Now, let's talk about somethin' else.

Shawn, Shawn, you ain't gotta front with me, baby.

I'm your little brother. You can tell me.

Come on.

You opened her shirt and her breasts just

popped out like airbags, huh?

Poof!

Marlon, I don't remember.

It was that bad?

No, it wasn't bad.

So she was good.

I knew it. Dee's a freak.

I knew I should have tried to tap that.

Marlon, I don't know. I can't remember anything.

All I know is we were drinking a lot

we kissed and then I blacked out.

I woke up with my drawers on a statue.

Look, man, it doesn't matter what happened, okay.

It-it's over now, okay. It's over. It's over.

What? You think you just gonna hit it and quit it.

You know what happened to the last guy that did that?

Shawn, now he gotta pee sittin' down.

Look, Marlon, me and Dee is really good friends.

And whatever happened last night is not

gonna change the way we relate to one another, okay?

Okay.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, hey, hey-hey. - Hey, what's up, Dee?

Hey, Shawn.

I'm sorry, I didn't see you walkin' by.

Well, here I am.

Yeah.

Oh!

I better go make my rounds.

Yeah, there's a lot to do out there.

Yeah.

- Shawn? - Yeah.

- You have a Aspirin? - Yeah, I was gonna say..

- I have Aspirin right here.. - 'Okay, yeah!'

Okay.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

- It-it was my f-- - 'No, no, no, it's okay.'

- It was my fingers. - 'It's okay, I'm fine.'

You would never touch me.

Shawn, I think we need to talk.

Okay, you're right. Um.. What, Pop?

What, I'm tryin' to talk to..

- I didn't hear anything. - You didn't hear..

[imitating Pops] Shawn, Marlon..

Yeah, yeah, um, you know what

hold that thought, I'll be right back.

Come on, Pop, man, I'm tryin' to get some work done, man.

Howdy do, Dee?

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) 'Oh, no, Pop. I mean, I don't know what to do, man.'

I mean, Dee's friendship means a lot to me, man.

Well, son, it's obvious that you two

have feelings for each other.

But you gotta believe that your friendship

is stronger than a one night stand.

Hm, you're right.

I know what I gotta do.

So, what's with the glue?

Well, see, I'm workin' on Marlon's video.

I put some glue on one of these chairs.

Can you imagine a video tape with some sucker

stuck to a chair?

[laughing] That's worth $5000.

You're crazy, Pop, man.

Hey, man, I really appreciate the talk.

Thanks a lot, man.

I'm really lucky to have a father like you.

Well, that's what I'm here for, son.

[cloth ripping]

Do you feel a breeze?

Yo, Pop, those are ma's drawers.

[instrumental music]

Hey, what you actin' all nervous for?

Ain't the first time you broke up with a chick.

Yeah, but none of them carried a night stick and a Taser gun.

Yeah, so, what's the box of tissues for?

In case she breaks your nose?

Oh, breaks my nose.

- Or beat you on them breasts. - Oh!

Bam, bam, bam!

Nah, man, this is just in case I break her heart.

You know how emotional women get.

Look, no matter how much she cry

you just gotta be strong.

That's right, be strong.

And if she-she asks one more chance

you gotta say, "No, Dee, it's over."

- No, Dee, it's over, girl. - That's right.

And-and if-if-if worse comes to worse

you just gotta tell her the truth.

You gotta say, Dee, I'm gay.

I'm gay.

[doorbell rings]

Alright, that's her, go in the room.

- Okay, bye, sweetie. - Marlon!

Put your Bill Cosby sweater on, and get on outta here.

- Hey, Dee. - Hey.

- Thanks for comin' over. - That's alright.

[door slams shut]

[Dee laughing]

- Have a seat. - Oh, no, that's okay.

Look, Dee, I-I know this ain't gonna be

easy for either one of us.

- But-- - Shawn, Sha-Sha-Shawn.

Um, uh, before you say anything

let me say what I have to say.

- Alright. - Um..

Last night was one of the most fun nights

I've ever had in my life.

- I feel the same way. - Yeah.

But I don't think that we should have sex anymore.

- What? - Well..

I know we've been spendin' a lot of time together

but you're just not my type.

What do you mean not your type?

Wh-what's wrong with me?

- No, nothin'. - What's wrong with all this?

No!

No, nothing's wrong with you, it's just not gonna work out.

Come on, Dee.

- I was drunk that night. - No.

Look, uh-uh, just gimme another chance.

- I had a lot on my mind. - No, Shawn, Shawn, Shawn.

Let me tell you the truth.

I'm gay.

No, you're not.

I know you're not, Dee.

I know exactly what you're doin'.

We both came to the same conclusion.

Oh, Shawn, you know how much I care about you.

I really care about you too, Dee.

Uh, honestly, I think you the coolest

one of the coolest, most beautiful

kindest, good hearted people I know.

I want to be your friend forever.

Come here.

[telephone rings]

Yo, quick!

They're playin' my blooper on TV.

- You sent in a tape? - Yeah.

And the producers just loved it.

(man on TV) 'This next video is a practical joke'

'from a man in New York City.'

'Watch what happens when he finds his brother'

'and his brother's date passed out from having one too many.'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(man on TV) 'So, coming up next.'

'A grandmother performs at a bachelor party.'

- Yeah. - So, this was all a prank, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah!

I knew I could never have sex with Shawn.

What do you mean? What you talkin' about?

No, you know, what I mean. You know, what I mean.

Why you play us like that?

'Cause you said, I couldn't set somethin' up

for the blooper tape.

But, Marlon, I can't believe you went through all that.

You put us through all this drama..

...just for you to get on TV.

Did you at least win the $5000?

No.

They gave it to some guy who got hit in the groin

with a football.

[screams]

- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

My-my babies!

Yeah!

[instrumental music]