Original subtitles

(Shawn) 'Hey, boy, someone left a package for you.'

Package? Look, if it's from Shaniqua, don't accept it.

I don't care what she says, Marlon Junior ain't mine.

Just open the damn package.

Oh, snap, kid!

These are my contracts from "Everybody Loves Everybody."

They want me back for five more episodes.

- Whoo! - Oh!

- Five more episodes. - 'Excuse me.'

- Oh, yes, ma'am. - Hey, yo.

You gotta be honest though.

It gotta be weird being the only brother

on all-white show.

Yeah, now I know how Hootie feels

with the Blowfish.

Or Chris Rock on "Saturday Night Live"

[imitating Chris Rock] They didn't put me in those sketches, but I

Alright, funny, funny.

Now, hush. So I could sign my contracts.

Hey, hey, hey, you better slow down

and read the contract first.

Look, Marl, hey, if I was you, since I know they want me back

I would sweeten my deal with some perks

like a dressing room.

And what's wrong with my dressing room?

It's the men's room.

It wasn't that bad.

Hey, I did get to meet George Michael.

[sighs]

Hey, a real down-to-earth brother.

He has some clammy hands, but he's cool.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man.

Hey, look, th-the dressing room ain't for you

it's for your ego.

Shawn, where am I gonna get a bird?

Especially an ego.

That's stupid.

Don't you know they're distinct?

You should watch some Discovery Channel, brother.

You know what? You need some help.

What?

And who better to help you

than your older brother.

Yeah, the same older brother

that got fired as my agent.

'Kay, true that, but you should have some family

in your corner, or else you get ripped off.

Yeah, you got a good point there.

What do you know about managing?

I know that my fee is 50% of your check.

- Fifty percent? - Hey, that's right.

Damn, that's kinda high.

You must be good. You got a deal.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite!'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, pops, you seen the show last night?

I sure did, son, I liked it too.

I wish I could get paid to act stupid.

Yeah, pops, you'd be a millionaire.

Oh?

You think, my character looks that stupid on the show?

Marlon, last night's show, you played an entire scene

with your shoes on the wrong feet.

I guess you're still in character.

Hey, look, it's the black guy in "Everybody Loves Everybody."

Hey, look, it's annoying white people.

Hey, and I'm notjust the black guy, okay?

That's right, he also plays the dumb guy.

I just love the way you come up

with all those stupid catchphrases like, um

"You all are tripping."

[laughs]

Hey, um, can I get your autograph?

Sure, you know, I came up with a new catchphrase.

It's called, "You be racist."

I told you he knew how to write.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

"Dear, Barbie, you smell like baloney."

- I don't get it. - Hey, look here.

That goes to show I'm not as dumb

as I am on TV, okay?

[laughs] Sure you're right.

[both laugh]

Get her out of here, screech.

Pop, I don't want everybody thinkin' I'm stupid.

Oh, that ship has sailed, son.

Hey, curls, look here. You my manager.

Get up and go out there an-and talk to 'em producers

and change my image, man.

I don't want a bunch of dumb jokes.

Hey, the last thing you wanna do

is annoy the producers.

I just seen Lisa Bonet in the subway

drummin' on a bucket for quarters.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Now, quiet please. We're rehearsing over here.

Alright now, kids, give a lot of energy, lot of energy.

Let's see the spark. Go!

Okay.

"I'm supposed to play golf tomorrow with my boss

and she lost the number to mycaddy."

"Ho ho ho, man, where're you gonna find a caddy

on such short notice?"

Did somebody say they need acaddy?

Let a brother hook you up, homie.

I'll kick you down.

Would you want a black caddy?

Excuse me, um, is this in the script?

Hey, shut up, Courtney Cockeyes.

I was improvising.

- Uh, Barney.. - That's Bernie.

Oh. That's I meant, Barney.

We need to talk we need the power to get together--

Shh, shh, shh, quiet, quiet, quiet.

- I really love this part. - Oh, it's probably great.

So, Lucius, did you give me a caddy?

Ha ha. It's parked right outside, hom-i-ie-ee.

First I went to get me some Kool-Aid.

Ah, just like I like it, like my ladies.

Sweet and go down easy.

Now, here are all the ke-e-ys.

Ah. Take that homeboy.

"Oh, no, don't tell me you brought a Cadillac."

"That's right.

"Oh, man and look here

it is beau-ti-ful."

I'm tellin' you, just ask Peppermint Patty right here.

"Yes, it's beautiful, I borrowed it from my Uncle Cephas."

He sells meat out the trunk, but shh.

Keep that on the DL.

[Bernie laughs]

- That's great. - That's a great line.

"Lucius, Justin wanted a caddy

to carry his golf clubs tomorrow."

Oh, ma bag!

"But, hey, look here, you can carry the clubs in the trunk

but you just got to move all the pork first."

[Bernie laughs]

Pork in the trunk. Oh, man.

Move that pork.

That really kills me, I don't know why..

Oh, man, that's hilarious, man.

- You're a genius, Ernie. - It's Bernie.

Oh, yeah, that's what I said, Barney.

Hey, look here, man, check it out.

Um, Marlon's startin' to feel like

his character is uh..

...you know, startin' to be portrayed as a idiot.

That's why we hired him.

But, hey, I've been in this business a long time.

Take it from me. That Cadillac guy is hilarious.

- And it's real. - Oh, yeah, yeah, uh, no doubt.

But, um, the thing is I know

that there's more levels to him, you know.

He is the kind of guy that likes to take risk.

If you give him something to challenge himself with

he will do great.

Well, there is this love story idea

we've been kickin' around.

Has a lot of drama in it, but..

[clicks tongue] I'm not just sure that, uh..

...your brother is mentally up to the challenge.

Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

Marlon's been mentally challenged for all his life.

Check it out, check it out.

- Uh, Marlon, come here. - Hey, what's up?

- Um, I got bad news, kid. - What happened?

Pops has been in a horrible accident.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

[crying]

My suit, boy.

That little black man..

...with them white shoes.

Wh-y-y-y?

- Oh.. - But it's okay, he'll live.

- He.. He'll live? - He'll live.

Oh, thank God.

Hallelujah. Oh.

But he was wearin' your brand-new leather jacket.

What? I-I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

Where is he? I'll stab him. I'll stab him.

No, no, no, no, no. The cleaners fixed it.

But they found a $100 bill inside the pocket.

A what? A $100?

- 'A $100.' - Ooh-hoo.

♪ I got $100 ♪

♪ Go get $100 ♪

♪ He doesn't have $100 ♪

♪ You gonna feel $100 ♪

♪ You gonna be a $100 ♪

♪ We gots to find $100 ♪

♪ Ain't nobody got $100 ♪

♪ It's a real $100 ♪

♪ It is new a $100 ♪

♪ Not the old $100 ♪

♪ It's the new $100 ♪♪

But it was Monopoly money.

Damn, man.

Now, is that enough level for you?

I'm very moved. You talked me into it.

- We'll give him a shot. - Thank you, man.

- Alright. - You wont be sorry.

Congratulations.

Who's the baddest manager out there, boy?

See, now you ain't gonna be the stupid brother on the show.

- Oh, you hooked it? - I hooked it up.

Oh, man, you're the best, Shawn.

Hey, I'mma go run to the hospital and tell pops.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

It's here. That's it, that's it.

Thanks.

Shawn, it's called "The Kiss."

[mumbling]

Let's see who you're kissin', let's see who you're kissin'.

Come on.

Alright, it says, "We're all at the bistro

and it's late, and I'm sittin' in the corner with...Terry."

- Terry.. - Sounds sexy. Sounds sexy.

- Alright, alright, alright. - Whoo, whoo.

Ah, okay. Y-y-you be Terry. You be Terry.

Uh. "Oh, my God, I've been watchin' you, Lucius."

Lucius, that's me. I'm Lucius.

Rhymes withwhocius.

"Like, the way you walk, the way you sit

"like, the way you talk..

"...you got like, such the prettiest mouth.

Oh, my God."

"You been trippin',. Word up, Terry

"I mean, I dig what you sayin' but you're not my type

"and besides Justin's your brother.

You know this whole situation is whack."

"Just give it a chance.

"Just like, just like get free. Give it a chance.

I can rock your world."

"And then Terry gives you a long hard kiss."

Shawn, finally someone's paying me for sex.

Oh!

Hey, yo, and I bet they hired

someone famous to be, to play the girl.

You think? Oh, kid, please, please let it be Halle Berry.

Please let it be Halle Berry. please let it be Halle Berry.

Shawn, you think Halle Berry'll smell like feet?

Um, ha ha. Actually you got bigger problems than that.

Uh, Terry is being played by...Bruce Gordon.

They want you to kiss a dude.

You better get up off your knees.

[instrumental music]

Oh, hell no. Uh-uh.

Hell no. I ain't kissin' no dude.

What are you smokin'?

Hang on, hang on, look.

It's actually a pretty good story, man.

Look, Justin's gay identical twin brother Terry

is spending the weekend, heh, heh, heh..

...and he comes on to you

causing you to question your sexuality.

Questions? Shawn, I don't have any questions. I don't.

Yo, and then there's this hilarious scene

at the masquerade party.

I don't care what you say.

I'm not swapping spit with no Bruce Gordon.

I'm not doing it. Shawn, look.

Millions of women are gonna see this right.

And they gonna think I'm gay.

And then I won't get no rhythm.

Marlon, millions of women

already don't give you no rhythm.

No, no, see you wrong.

They just play hard to get, that's all.

It ain't playing hard to get when they Taser your privates.

You just quit changing the subject, alright, look here.

Mr. Manager, you go down there and make them change that script

I'm not kissing no dude.

- Marlon. Hey, stop. - No, no.

- Stop, stop, stop. - Ha, he, ha.

You don't stop.

Now, listen to me. I told you.

This is what you wanted.

- What're you mad? - This is what you wanted.

You asked me to do this, you wanted to get a part

that's gonna showcase your acting skills.

So now, I'm giving it to you.

Besides, hey, Will Smith kissed a guy.

And now, he's making $20 million dollars a flick.

- He does? - Yeah.

And women still love him.

So don't be so obsessed about your image, okay.

Nobody's gonna think you're gay.

- See you later. - Hey, man.

[instrumental music]

Good news, I just got through talking to the producers.

I don't have to kiss the dude.

Oh, no, you still swapping spit.

But yo. Check it out.

I got them to add some more moon pies to your muffin basket.

Who's the man, huh?

- Hey, Shawn. - Huh?

You're fired!

Marlon, come on man, look, there was nothing I could do.

You signed a contract, man.

- It's just a TV show. - Are you..

Marlon, you're making too much out of this.

Marlon, there's no shame in kissing a man.

I never told anybody this but I kissed a man

to get out of the army.

My God, even Pops can get more men than I can.

Anyway, I walked right up to that lieutenant

told him I had a crush on him

gave him a big kiss right on his lips.

And the motto then wasn't, "Don't ask don't tell."

It was, "Get this tutti frutti out of here quick."

In one second I had a one way ticket back to the States.

Wow, Pops, that was risky.

Cause you could have been court-martialed.

Or beaten up.

Or ended up in a bad relationship.

Well, Dee, actually, the lieutenant didn't mind.

He still sent me a single rose on my birthday.

I wonder what happened to...O'Colon?

Damn. I don't know what to do, man.

You know, on one hand, I-I want to be taken

seriously as an actor.

But then on the other hand.

I don't want people to seriously think I'm gay.

How about in the other hand you're making

$5000 dollars an episode.

Look at that hand.

You know, you just talking. Alright.

Would you kiss a man, Shawn.

Huh?

Would you kiss a man?

Hey, look, I ain't no actor so I ain't got to worry about that.

Oh, okay, look.

If you was an actor and if you were me.

And in order to stay on the top rated sitcom

you had to kiss a man, would you do it?

Yo, alright, busted.

If..

If I, if I was an actor, right.

And, uh-uh, my job was on the line.

Yeah. Okay, yeah, I will let..

No, no, no, listen, listen, hear me out.

Hear me out though, listen.

Yeah, I would let a man kiss me.

I-I probably you know wouldn't think about his, you know

his scratchy facial hair.

And his hot man breath.

I don't want to talk about this no more.

Yeah, see, look at you.

I didn't think so.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Marlon, where you been?

- Just having a snack. - Oh.

What the hell is that?

He's been in my kitchen eating garlics and onions

and day old fish heads.

- How could you do that, man? - That's what I'm telling him.

Now, I gotta think of another special for tomorrow.

Hey, lookie here, okay.

If I back out the producer said, they'll sue me, okay.

And then I'll lose my money.

I ain't playing with my money.

Now, if I can make Justin back out.

It's a whole nother story.

Partner, watch this.

- Hey, what's happening? - Hey.

Homie.

Please call me, Terry, I'm trying to stay in character.

Ha. Ha.

You arehilarious.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm feelingfine.

How are you feeling,huh?

Well, I'm okay, my nose is totally stuffed

hay fever season.

Excuse me.

Shawn!

What am I supposed to do now?

Marlon, do you remember why you became an actor.

Yeah. To knock some boots.

Boy, was I off.

Marlon, listen, sometimes as a professional actor

you have to do things that's gonna make you uncomfortable.

Now, listen. Look at Wesley Snipes.

In "To Wong Foo," he had to get in a dress.

That was Wesley Snipes?

Man, I gotta get that poster off my wall.

- Listen, Marlon. - What?

Just because you play somebody gay doesn't make you gay.

If you, if you play a killer.

Does that mean you a killer?

- No. - No.

It's about the art, man.

It's just skin.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Of course, I'm right. I'm telling you, listen.

When you're doing this kissing scene

try thinking about something masculine.

Like-like baseball. Okay?

Think about baseball, before you know it it'll be over.

Just think baseball.

A'ight.

- I'mma give it a shot. - Okay.

- Thanks, kid. - Alright.

Now, I know what I gotta do.

I'll tell you the first thing you gotta do.

Go brush your damn teeth.

Okay, quite everybody. Let the actors do their work.

Camera's rolling. Okay, lot's of energy now.

Five, four, three, two.

Yo, what's up, man?

I got here as soon as I could.

What's the 911, money?

Would you like a mochaccino? I know I could use one.

Mochaccino? Hmm, this is serious.

What's the deal, yo.

I can't keep it to myself anymore, Lucius.

I've been watching you.

- The way you walk. - Hmm.

- The way you sit. - Say what.

The way you talk.

You have a pretty mouth.

You betripping.

Hey, look here.

I dig what you're saying, homie.

But you ain't my type.

Besides, Justin's your brother.

And if you ask me, this whole situation

is wickedy-wickedy-whack.

Just give me another chance.

I can rock your world.

- I can't do it. - What happened?

(Bernie) 'Cut, cut ,cut.'

I had my line mixed up. I still get my money, right?

It's not you. It's you.

You get the money. You don't get nothing.

We talked about this. Didn't we talk about this?

Okay. I know it's unprofessional, I'm sorry.

Unprofessional, I'll show you unprofessional.

Hey, hey, relax, relax, hey, relax, relax.

Let me, let me talk to him.

Hey, Justin, Justin, relax, man.

Look, just talk to me, man.

What is it me, is it me?

What, eh, what, you turning all this down?

What-what-what-what, you calling me a douche?

What you saying, I'm ugly?

This is one very attractive young man, here.

- Thank you. Hey, whoa. - I'm just not comfortable.

Let me talk to him. Hey, look, come here, man.

Sit down. You gotta relax, man.

- Loosen up. - Relax.

Release, man, you know what I'm saying, release.

Alright. Just get in touch with your feminine side.

- You know what I'm saying. - Will you please not touch me.

Chill, chill, hey, look, man.

This is-is just-just skin.

Look, just because, just because you play gay

don't make you gay.

Look, just cause you play a white boy

are you really a white boy?

Alright, bad example. Alright, look.

Just relax, relax, man, just relax, come on.

Say it with me.

[singing in foreign language]

You feel relaxed? Feel relaxed?

Come on, man, let's do this.

I don't want to.

What you tripping for? Look, just think of baseball, alright?

You got the bat, alright.

You-you got, you got the-the squeeze plays

and the lines drives right up the middle.

- Will you get away from me. - What're you tripping for.

Hey, relax.

- Hot coco. - Ah, thanks.

I hope it ain't too sweet.

You know it is.

It's been a long hard day.

Yeah, it sure has.

Look at you, you got all freaked out

cause you had to kiss a dude.

And then you didn't even have to through with it.

Huh, acting scared.

I just wanna thank you for the pep talk, man.

For real, you got me thinking about the bigger picture

it's always about the art.

- That's way to think, baby boy. - Thank you.

Hey, but you know what, you don't even have to worry

about that anymore.

You know, they threw out the whole script.

- Get outta here. - Yup.

Because they got a bunch of negative

reactions from the sponsor.

Yeah, they probably nervous about portraying anything gay.

Ah, actually they were cool with the gay stuff.

It was the interracial stuff they didn't like.

Ain't that a blip.

You believe all this controversy

just because two men were kissing on television.

- I know. It's ridiculous. - Sick.

- A'ight, man. - A'ight.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, baby boy.

[instrumental music]