Original subtitles

- Baby boy, I ampumped, - Yeah, yeah.

It's your first night on network TV.

On NBC. Which stands for "No Black Comedy."

[laughs]

I've been meaning to ask you, son.

How did you get a part on "Everybody Loves Everybody?"

That's an all-white show.

Well, the producers said they're trying to attract

an alternate urban demographic.

Just say black people.

- This is a party, right? - 'Yeah.'

Where are the hor dervers?

The what?

The hoe derbes!

It'shor d'oeuvres,

Who taught you how to speak? Magic?

[laughing]

[laughing]

Sorry, pops, I ain't got no money

to buy no hor d'oeuvres, man.

All my money is tied up in rebuilding the newsstand.

[knocking on door]

- Hey, everybody. - 'Hey, Dee.'

I bought some food.

- Dee, Dee, Dee. - Ooh, I'm exhausted.

- Dee. - Ooh.

Carrots and celery? Where's the damn meat?

I am on a diet.

I already lost three pounds.

Did you look behind you?

- Hey, hey, hey. - You!

- There's Marlon's show, c'mon! - Oh, okay.

- Shh. - Shh, shh, shh.

Honey! We won the game.

You guys buy lunch.

Hey, we would've won.

But you girls had an unfair advantage.

Luther's in the hiz-house, y'all!

[indistinct chattering]

He must have scored 30 points alone.

We helped.

[scoffs]

Yeah. The way Dr. Kevorkian helps old people.

- You see that? - 'Oh, hee hee hee.'

I improvised. I made that up.

That and the, "Huh huh huh."

O-kay-y-y.

- Choo! - Yeah.

Was that your only line?

- Are those your real breasts? - Uh.

Of course not.

So...you guys up for another game next week?

- Hmm. - Okay.

But we'll be shirts, and you'll be skins.

I'll be trippi-i-in'!

White people laugh at anything.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male 1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

- Thank you. - Hey.

- You were good, baby boy. - Thank you, thank you.

Hey, you breakin' TV ground, man.

You know, you're the first brother on that TV show

that wasn't wearing a ski mask?

[laughs]

Hey, pizza's ready.

- Oh. - Oh.

Hey, Dee, you want a slice?

Oh, no, thank you, I'mma keep my distance.

I have willpower!

Well, if that doesn't, Dee

I'll chain your big ass to that radiator.

Oh, man, you know what? I gotta get out of here, Marlon.

I'm supposed to be taking out Jasmine to the movies.

Do me a favor, hook me up with $50.

Fifty dollars?

Come on, man, I'm payin' for pizza, I'm payin' the rent.

Next thing you know you want me to pay for your sins.

Alright, look.

Here's two dollars.

Go rent "Woo."

Alright, here's another dollar.

Get "Bout It, Bout It" too.

Marlon, don't do this to me, man.

Come on, I've been hooking you up

for the past four years now.

Alright. Here.

- Peace out. - Okay.

Hey. Yo, make sure you clean that kitchen, man.

And wash those dishes up and take that garbage out.

That kitchen stinks, it smells like the WNBA's locker room.

Ooh, that's funny.

You payin' all the bills and Shawn is still

bossing you around.

Dee, Shawn's always ordering me around.

This mornin'..

...he even made me usesoap.

Tryin' to get me all clean.

Well..

...it's none of my business..

...you know, if don't mind being treated like a little..

...biatch!

[instrumental music]

Y'all be trippi-i-ing-ah!

You are so obnoxious, man.

You, uh, still watchin' that tape?

No, actually, I was just sittin' here thinkin'.

Are you okay?

You want an aspirin?

[laughs sarcastically] I'm fine.

Look here.

Sit down, I gotta talk to you, man.

- What? - 'Somethin' seri..'

Pl-please?

Now, look, man.

Since I'm the one making

all the cheese up in here..

...I think things should be a little bit different

and there are gonna be some changes.

And I demand that you listen to what I gots to say!

Please.

Aight, well, you know, I guess you should

have some kind of say-so in what goes on around here.

What you got?

First of all..

...it's too damn hot in here.

Right now, the temperature is 73 degrees.

I want it to be71!

Consider it done.

Anything to stop you from walkin' around here naked.

- Goodnight. - Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

I got some more.

Now, listen.

When you bring pretty girls up in here..

...I get to slop 'em down first.

Okay, I'll take sloppy seconds.

Oh, can you keep the door cracked so a brother can watch?

[instrumental music]

Ooh, Shawn.

When is this gonna be done?

Well, it was supposed to be just a few days

but now the Village People's telling me

it's gonna be another week.

Oh...you mean I gotta stand up here

and look at these sweaty men

with their butts hangin' outta their jeans for seven more days?

I'm afraid so.

Alright.

You know, I may not be eatin' beef

but I can look at it.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I just got a little dizzy.

Oh-oh.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. - Hey, what's up, kid?

- The place is looking good. - Yeah, great, Marlon.

Uh, you were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.

And? So I'm late.

You know, that happens when you're the breadwinner.

- Yeah, great. - Broke. Money.

Yeah, that's funny.

But I'm hungry, so let's go eat. Come on.

Wait, hold on, I ain't come down here to eat.

Ew. Trying to get a free meal.

Look here, man, I just came by here

to drop off this little list of chores I got for you.

Boy, are you crazy? I ain't doin' no chores.

"Do the laundry. Cook dinner."

And you're damn sure I ain't gettin' no bikini wax.

Grandma said she wasn't going to do it no more.

Aight, look here.

I'm payin' the bills, man.

You listen to what I say now.

You handle your responsibilitie s.

Hey, yo, pop, man, Marlon's outta control, man.

Well, yeah, son, but like you say

in a week, you'll be straight.

Hey, hey. Hey, yo.

Hey, dude. Where you goin', man?

We just got beeped, there's an emergency on another job

that pays a lot more money.

Hey, ey, ey, I'm paying you a lot of money too.

See ya in a couple of months.

Man.

Pop, this is messed up, man.

Yeah, I know you're disappointed, son.

But those months will go by quickly.

I don't know, pop.

With the newsstand out of commission

I don't have any extra money comin' in.

You know how crazy Marlon is.

Shawn, Marlon is a reasonable person.

I know he won't make a big deal out of this.

Trust me.

Here's the rest of your stuff.

Uh, but I borrowed a couple pair of p-panty draws.

Goodnight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Ha ha ha, very funny.

No, I'm dead serious. Here.

Hey!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Come on, Sleeping Beauty, rise and shine

and give God your glory, glory.

[whispering] Shawn.

You sleepin'?

[shouting] Well, wake up!

[laughing]

What the hell's the matter with you, man?

- Wake up. Look, look. - Leave me alone!

The early bird gets to put his worm in two bushes.

Hell, the early bird's about to get plucked up.

Oh, my, my.

I see somebody didn't sleep too well.

No, I didn't.

And your bed stinks.

Smells like the seat on Big Pun's tour bus.

I gotta go to the bathroom, man.

Oh, well, if you goin' to the bathroom

you might need this.

What am I gonna wipe with this, some eye boogers?

Uh, that's your rations for the month.

Hey. We just have to tighten our belts.

I'm gonna have to tighten more than my belt.

Hey, hey, hold all the attitude.

Look here, when you payin' the bills

you said I was wastin' too much money.

Now look at you.

All of a sudden you wanna use two-ply.

What, you too good for newspaper?

Marlon, you don't get it, I don't have any money to waste.

I can't even get my clothes cleaned.

Man, I got you, don't worry about your clothes.

I got you hooked up, you can wear some of my stuff.

Come here. Boy, we gonna hook you up.

You gonna befly.

One...put you in this 8-ball jacket.

Here, put that on, come on.

Go on, put that on, I know you want..

You feel that butter-soft leather? Yeah.

Yeah, look at you, boy! Turn that collar up.

Yeah!

You stylin'!

Put you in this little Golden Child hat.

'Yeah.'

♪ I-I-I I-I-I I want a knife ♪♪

And here.

Ah.

Some Sasson jeans.

Ooh la la.

Marlon, you better get them Garth Brooks jeans away from me.

What, you don't like these?

I got some Jordache in here.

Sergio Valente's two-tone, two-tone knees?

Uh-huh, are you having fun?

You havin' fun with your little game, huh?

- I'm having a ball! - Ha ha, crazy!

- You look ridiculous! - Ooh, you wild.

- You got jokes, huh? - Yeah.

You look like you just fell outta "Beat Street."

[laughs sarcastically]

[knocking on door]

- 'Not funny.' - Hurrah! Ha ha ha.

Hey, what's up, Jasmine?

Baby, why do you look so...'80s?

[laughing]

'Cause me and Marlon, w-we were doing a scene

outta, outta the movie, uh, "Breakin'."

Yeah, I-I-I played, uh, Boogaloo Shrimp.

[laughing]

Well, I hope you're not taking me to brunch like that.

Brunch?

Oh, no, no, nah, nah, nah, hang on one second.

Marlon, I forgot, I was supposed to be taking Jasmine to brunch.

Do me a favor, loan me some money

and don't make me look bad.

Mm-mm.

Look here, man. Hos ain't in the budget.

Oh, Jasmine, girl. Oh, man!

I completely forgot!

I got a business meetin'.

I, I can't take you to brunch today.

I.. Man, Ihate when I do that, man!

I hate when that happens. I'm sorry.

Baby, it's okay.

I know business before pleasure.

You handle your business today

and I'll handle my pleasure tomorrow.

[laughs]

You keep on kissin' me like that, girl..

...and I'mma eat you up for brunch.

Whoo.

Mm, man.

Tisha Campbell's little sister is cute.

How much longer are you gonna throw this

up in my face, Marlon?

As long as that face

doesn't get off his lazy ass

and get a G-O-B.

You know what? That's what I'm gonna do.

That's what I'm gonna do, I'mma go out there

and I'mma get me a job.

'I ain't puttin' up with your crap no more.'

That's right, Shawn Williams is gonna

get his self-respect back, boy.

When the bell rings, the nuggets are ready.

- Put 'em in a box. - Alright.

When the whistle blows, the fries are ready.

Take 'em out, put 'em under the heat lamp.

Under the...heat..

When the buzzer rings, the burgers are ready.

Take 'em out, stack 'em. Got it?

- Got it. - Alright.

I'm gonna take my break, go work on my fade.

- Okay. - Alright.

Steve Harvey called.

He wants his 'fro back.

Welcome to Afro Burger. Can I take your order, please?

Shawn. Shawn Williams?

Ms. Hanson?

Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since I graduated sixth grade.

You were getting that summer job at the burger place.

- Yeah, yeah. - Well.

Haven't you come a long way.

[whistle blowing]

Uh, just a sec.

Look at him, children.

This is what happens when you

don't pay attention in my class.

Nah, see...l-let me explain.

I don't really work here.

See, I got my own business.

Oh..

Shawn, you don't have to lie to me.

[ringing]

Hello?

Just give me 15 number 3s.

Fifteen number threes, got it. I got you.

Fifteen number threes.

[clattering]

[car honking]

A horn? What the hell is that?

It's the drive-through window, idiot.

Who you callin' idiot, with your Monica Lewinsky dress on?

[car honking]

Welcome to Afro Burger.

Can I take your order, please?

(woman on speaker) 'I'll have seven Afro doubles--'

Seven Afro doubles.

'Five orders of fries.'

- Five fries. - 'And three malt--'

- Three malt li-- - 'Of vanilla!'

(Shawn) 'Three malt shakes.'

Hold on. Dee?

Dee Baxter, is that you?

- 'Shawn?' - Dee.

I thought you was on a diet.

What's your big ass doing here?

[tires screeching]

Pardon me, can this line move any faster?

Look, lady, you're just gonna have to wait..

- Jasmine. Oh, my God. - Shawn.

So this is your important business lunch?

Oh, uh, see, I can explain the whole--

- Don't bother. - Hey, Jasmine.

Girl, I hope this ain't gonna affect our relationship, is it?

Outside of us not seeing each other anymore? No.

But wait a minute, girl, you may never get a chance

to taste these nuggets!

[instrumental music]

Maybe you were too rough on Shawn.

He's been out all hours of the night.

We've barely seen him all week.

Come on, pop. Shawn's a big boy.

He can take care of himself.

What you all worried about?

You ain't worried when he's treatin' me rough.

Oh, come on, son, you deserve it. You a fool.

- 'Oh.' - Hey, son.

I see your boy is back.

Well, I'm glad you are, 'cause, uh..

...I got some laundry for you to do. Bam! Handle it.

Peace out.

I been workin' all week, and I just got paid.

Oh, okay.

[phone ringing]

Now go answer the phone, stupid.

That's great, son. What's the job?

- Huh? - What's the job?

Hey, hey, Shawn, Shawn.

Some dude named Shorty. Says you work for him.

I'll take that in the back, that's, um..

...private business.

What kinda job give him all that money?

I don't know.

What is he, being all shady and secretive?

- Yeah. - Bein' out all late.

Plus he work for somebody named Shorty?

(Shawn) 'Now, why do I gotta be there'

'so early tomorrow?'

'For the coke delivery?'

'But why can't the dude deliver the coke later in the day?'

Oh!

[crying] Oh, God! My brother is a drug dealer!

Oh, no, and I've lost my son to the underworld!

God, if you rescue Shawn from the belly of the beast

I promise, I promise I'll cook with real meat.

Hold me, father. Oh.

Jesus, help me, Lord, help me, help me, Jesus..

Shawn, we know what you're doing.

Yeah, we overheard you talking to Shorty in there.

Hey, well, don't judge me, aight?

At least I'm gettin' paid.

Son, you.. But think of what you doin' to our people.

They puttin' that junk in their systems.

Pop, I'm just givin' 'em exactly what they want.

You understand, if they don't get it from me

they just gonna get if from someone right down the street.

Besides, the kids love it.

You sell it to the kids?

Oh, Lord, not the babies!

You're gonna give 'em emphysema!

Marlon, don't knock it, man.

The kids are my best customers.

Matter of fact, any kid under eight years old

gets a free refill.

Hey, man, what the hell is wrong with you?

- What's your problem? - Hey, hey, hey!

- Ain't no son of mine-- - Hey, man! Back off!

Ain't no son of mine gonna be no drug dealer!

Drug dealer?

It's okay, pop. He's in denial.

Listen, Shawn. You listen to me!

What's wrong with you, man? Stop it!

- Listen to me! - Stop, man!

No, you listen!

What's your problem, man?

Let me tell you something..

I'm okay, pop, I'm okay.

Let me tell you something, man.

It's my fault this is, this is happening, okay? I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for this to happen, Shawn, I swear, okay?

I'm sorry, I'll do anything to stop you

from, from dealin', man.

Look, I'll even give you your panty draws back.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ain't nobody want that.

Did you just say anything?

Anything.

Okay.

Okay.

You was right.

I was dealin' drugs.

It was easy money.

Bing, bang, boom.

Make the money. But now?

I got hooked on the high life.

I'm livin' large.

I know, I know, I know that, that high life

made you into a lowlife. I kn.. I kn.. I know, baby.

Mama knows.

I'm tellin' you, Shawn. Look, I just wanna apologize, man.

Look, I know I'm-I'm workin' on the show.

I'll support us both, man, till you

till you get the money, okay?

Just please, just..

...just stop doing it.

Hold me. Feel the love. Feel it.

Get your hands off me, man.

No strings attached?

No strings attached, my friend.

Mi amor.

Te quiero

Okay.

- I'll give it up. - Oh, thank you, Father.

Thank you, Lord, thank you, Lord, thank you, Lord.

Thank you.

But, uh, technically

cow lips and ass are real meat.

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) 'Ooh-oof.'

(Pops) 'For the first day, son, you did pretty good.'

Oh, yeah, pops.

This is the most paper I made in a long time.

- Yeah. - Thanks to Marlon. Thanks, bro.

Thank you for loaning me the money to get

a new contract. I appreciate that.

Ah, no problem, Scarface.

Hey, that's what brothers are for, right?

- You know. - Heh.

No, Marlon, it was very nice of you

to help Shawn out so he didn't have to

work at that old tacky burger place.

Burger place?

[chuckles]

Oh, he was sellin' Happy Meals, alright.

Very

- Anyway. Hey, Dee. - What?

I mean..

Shawn wasn't working at no burger joint.

Shawn was slingin' 'em things off corners.

- He was not, get outta here. - Shawn was sellin' them things.

- Nah! - Dee, he was..

- Eh, he was selling the yayo-- - Marlon.

- Marlon. - What?

Can't lie to you no more, man.

Dee's right.

I wasn't selling drugs. I was workin' at Afro Burger.

That order of coke you overheard me talkin' about

was for Coca-Cola.

It was a real thing, though.

So you was just playing me.

Kinda.

Alright, I..

...I guess we even.

Okay. I'm not mad.

I guess I did get a little bit out of control with power.

- Something like the way you-- - A little out of control?

Alright, look, when I'm broke, you look out for me.

When you broke, I'll look out for you.

- You bet. That's a deal. - Alright? Alright.

- One love, man. - I don't need all that love.

That's cool right where it's..

[instrumental music]