Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Smile, boys, you on "Candid Camera."

Ey, pop, who do you think you are?

Quentin I'm-a-negro?

In his new movie

"Tacky Brown."

Hey, pop, isn't that the camera that you used

to film you and mom mud wrestling?

Yup, I was cleaning out the basement last night

and found it in a box.

I haven't seen this bad boy in 20 years.

- Still have film in it. - Let me see.

Look up, Marlon. Say "cheese."

Come on, man, don't be standing there looking all stiff.

Alright, give-give me a situation.

Alright, um, let's do an episode from, uh..

..."NYPD Blue," okay?

Now, you're gonna play the only role

a brother can get on that show.

- A crack head transvestite. - 'Okay.'

Action.

I didn't do it, man.

I didn't do it.

...do it.

I know who did it, man.

It was Pooky and them.

Okay.

It wasn't Pooky.

It was just NDM.

Give me that.

Hey yo, pop, man, what're you digging through

all the junk in the basement for?

Oh, I guess, I forgot to tell you boys.

I'm sellin' the house.

What?

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys, dynamite.'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Pop, I can't believe you, man, how could

you sell our old house like that?

Yeah, pop, we love that house.

Besides, where am I gonna go when Shawn kicks me out again?

No, son, the place is too big for me and your mama.

Especially since she got that liposuction.

Well, pop, doesn't selling the house

make you feel at least a little bit sentimental?

Oh, yeah, but when that million dollar check clears

I'mma have tears in my eyes. I'm gonna be rich.

Rich. Look at my face.

Rich.

A million dollars for that piece of--

History.

Piece of history, that's what it is.

Nineteen forty-forty two, forty three.

That was one of the biggest hoe houses in Queens.

That's where Herbert Hoover got caught

messing around up in somebody else's business.

They kept that quiet.

Pop, you're ridiculous, man.

A million dollars? What are you charging

a dollar per roach?

Well, you just wait till I get that money.

I'mma pile that money up in a bed

and jump in that bed and twirl around in that bed

all naked, just to see how it feels.

It ain't nothin' new, I remember last week

when you found that $10 dollar bill on the floor

you cleared out the whole diner.

What I do with my money is my business.

What I want you two to do is get your butts over

to the house and clean it out so I can show the place.

Alright, alright. Don't worry.

We'll be there early tomorrow morning.

In the afternoon.

Can you believe that Grinch?

That frog thinks he's gonna get

a million dollars for that house.

Yeah, and "Vibe" thought by gettin' rid of Chris Spencer

their show would be funny.

"Vibe" got a show?

You know, seen that?

♪ We got the fire ♪

♪ We vibin' y'all ♪♪

Come on, let's go home and watch keno.

[instrumental music]

Hey!

Who dropped my Rick James doll?

You know this is a collector's item.

Look, you pull out the head

and it doubles as a pipe.

- Hey, yo, pop. - Hmm?

I hate to hurt your little tacky heart, but, uh..

I don't think anybody in their right mind's

gonna buy this house from you.

- I bought it. - Like I said.

Anybody in their right mind.

Well, I have happened to have just gone that extra mile

and I hired myself a big burly handyman.

Pops. I'm ready to go.

Dee, what do you know about fixin' the house?

You could barely fix your cornrows straight.

You talk about my hair.

Your head looks like a aerial view

of the Million Man March.

Out cold.

Out cold.

Now, Dee, Dee, I want you

to fix everything that you can see.

- Like that hole in the roof. - Hmm.

Well, I'mma need some money

for some tarpaper insulation and shingles.

Oh, no, no, no. Forget that.

There's some cardboard in the basement.

Go get it, alright.

- Hey, hey, hey, Marlon. - What?

Remember when we were little we used to measure ourselves?

Oh, yeah. Hey, why don't we measure ourselves right now?

- I bet ya I'm still bigger. - I ain't talking about that.

I'm talking about height.

Get on over there. Go stand up against that wall.

Hey, Shawn, remember the first time we did this?

What're you getting all glassy-eyed for?

Would you leave me alone? I'm having a childhood flashback.

- Thank you. - Oh, my bad.

Well, I'll come with you.

What're you reading?

The story on "The Jackson Five."

That Michael is one down brother.

Yeah, I bet he dates

a different woman every night.

I bet it'll be fun to have a sleep over at his house.

Yeah, then he can show us all his moves.

Wow. Look at OJ with this white girl.

That's his new wife.

I bet they live happily ever after.

Hey, Shawn, you gonna get married when you grow up?

You bet I am.

I'm gonna find me a girl with some nice legs

like Tina Turner.

And I'm gonna treat her like a princess.

Just like Ike does.

Not only is he a gentleman

he has a great pimp walk.

Hey, Marlon, want to measure ourselves?

Okay.

Hey, I'm taller than you are, big bro.

- Half of that's your hair. - So?

- It still counts. - Does not.

- Does too. - Does not.

- Does too! - Does not!

- 'Does too!' - 'Does not!'

- Hey, hey, hey! - 'Does too!'

What the hell is all this ruckus down here?

My wall. You marked up my wall.

I had that wall painted 10 years ago.

Pops, you promised to take us camping.

But this is camping.

You got dirt.

A bug.

Ah-h-h.

Now, the smell of the great outdoors.

Go to bed.

This is like being outdoors.

Yeah.

I swear I smell a skunk.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry about that, boys.

You know I can't eat ginger snaps

and buttermilk at the same time.

We have some great memories tied up in this old house.

I know, kid.

- I'm gonna really miss it. - Yeah.

I actually think pop should hold on to it, man.

I think it's gonna be worth a million dollars one day.

Shawn, the only way this house will be worth millions

is if they knocked it down and then built a bank on top of it.

Wait a minute, what are we getting all worried about?

I mean, pops is asking a ridiculous price.

He's never gonna get that.

Not unless Dee does a great job

fixing this place up.

I got a tip for you.

Never put a ice cream sandwich

on a open fuse box.

If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen

putting butter on my burns.

I got a tip for you.

Never let Patti Labelle do your hair.

I guess this house gonna be in our family

for a long, long time, you know what I'm saying.

Yip-ti-ti.

Yip-ti-ti. Good news, boys.

I just sold the house to a nice, unsuspecting couple.

♪ Money being made around here ♪

♪ Bang money being made around here ♪

♪ Bang big ol' cars Range Rover ♪

♪ Diamonds and rings if you like that kinda thing ♪

♪ Money being made around here ♪

♪ Woo money being made around here ♪

♪ Woo money being made.. ♪♪

I can't believe it.

Pops just sold our home.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Money, money, money.

Money, money, money.

Money, money, money.

Pow! Money, money, money.

He-he.

Now, hold on a second there.

You mean to tell me that somebody actually paid

a million dollars for this house?

Well, not exactly, son.

But, see, in this world you have to aim high

and settle for less. That's how I ended up with your mother.

I wanted Lola Falana.

Instead I got your lonely old mama.

Oh, wait a minute. So how much did you get for it?

One hundred and sixty thousand of them thangs.

Word.

And I'm gonna spend it on a condominium.

Wait a minute.

You're gonna sell our house to buy some mini condoms?

Why don't you just use some of Shawn's, pop.

You can't do that, man.

- And why not? - Because, pop.

- It means too much to us. - Yeah, pop.

And we have a bunch of memories in this house, man.

- Yeah. - Birthdays, Christmases.

I even lost my virginity in this house.

Yeah, and I watched.

Oh, come on.

You just, it's just a house.

It's no big deal.

Shawn will let you watch him

have sex in a new place.

Yeah, but it won't be the same.

Look, pop, you can't sell the house, man.

I mean, look, even though it's old, rickety

beat-down and smells bad, we still love it.

Yeah, man, that'll be like selling grandma.

Don't give me ideas.

Besides, pop, you promised us that

yous gonna keep this house in the family.

And you promised me

that you would be a lawyer.

'I gotta go.'

Mama and I gotta go look at the condo

and get back in time for the new people to inspect the place.

Um, hey, hey, you know what, pops?

You know what, man. You know what, you're right.

You're right about me and Marlon growin' up and-and movin' on.

Tell you what, you and ma go ahead and take your time.

Me and Marlon will show the new owners the house.

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

That's really nice of you, I really appreciate that.

- Hey, no problem, man. - Boy.

One more time. Money, money, money.

Money, money, money.

♪ Oh I got me some money now ♪

♪ Now get you some new shoes ♪♪

What are you stupid, dumb, or me?

Why would you tell him somethin' like that, stupid?

Hey,calmate, mira, okay? Trust me.

I got a plan.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Shawn! They're here.

How do I look?

Tacky and out of style.

Perfect, brother.

♪ Pop pop sugar pop ♪

♪ Pop pop pop sugar pop ♪

♪ Do the shuffle bro do the shuffle bro ♪

♪ Now slide and slide ♪

♪ Crack the back while you hit the sack ♪

♪ Crack the back while you hit the bag ♪

♪ Now spank the monkey ♪

♪ Spank the monkey and act like a junky ♪♪

[knocking]

Go on, answer the door.

Go answer the door.

See, brother, you are not coordinating.

You're not coordinating, brother.

Let's coordinate.

- How do you do? - Hi.

I-I'm Pops Williams, uh

the one you talked to on the phone earlier today, uh.

Sorry I called you collect.

Yes, of course, I'm Fred and this is Carla.

Hi, Fred, how are you?

Carla, pleasure, madam, you know what I'm saying.

Let's see, let's see.

You representin', you representin'..

Marlon!

How do you do?

I'm, uh, Pops Williams, uh.

Cutie pie, brother.

Uh, Marlon, why don't you escort this fine gentleman

into the kitchen and I'll show her the bedroom.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

You know, uh, I think that we'd prefer to stay together.

Oh, sugar dumplin'.

You ain't got nothing to be afraid of.

'You perfectly safe with pops.'

[gunshots on recorder]

- What was that? - Oh, um.

Oh, that was just a little drive-by shootin', see.

That always happens when the, uh, kids get out of school.

Yeah, let me show you around, what we finally call

the house that crack built.

Bam!

Well, that's an, uh..

...interesting chalk outline.

What happened to his legs?

Oh, uh, well, the police took too long to come

so the rats, uh, chewed away his feet.

Um, I-I, now..

Look, guys, I would totally understand

if you don't want to buy the house.

I don't blame you, 'cause it's not safe.

Don't-don't be silly, of course, we'll take it.

- What? - What? I mean. What?

We would've felt bad if the place was...livable.

Yeah, you know, we're gonna just tear it down

and put up a liquor store anyway so..

The hell you not, Sandy Duncan.

This house is no longer for sale

because it's off the market.

No, it isn't, we got a deal.

- 'Who the hell are you?' - I'm Pop Williams.

Hey, back up off me, brother.

Well, then, who's he?

I'm Pops Williams. See now..

...now, don't you see the crazy madness

that we have to deal with, all up in here.

I take my belt off

and whoop your ass.

[indistinctive chatter]

Oh, well, it's a go.

Perhaps, we'll just come back, later.

Yeah, okay.

What the hell's going on here?

I don't look like that. I'm sexy.

Wait, pops.

I don't want you to sell the house, pops.

It's like our own blood, pop.

It's like family.

Uh, talk to him, stupid.

Pop! Please don't sell the house, pop.

Please.

I heard you the first time, fool.

Why are you doing this?

It's nothin' but a house.

No, pop, it's just a house to you.

To me and Marlon, it's a home.

Well, if you soft on the house you can

drive by every day and visit it.

You don't get it.

They're gonna tear this house down, pop

and put up a liquor store.

Well, well good.

I don't have to drive all the way across town

to get me a little taste.

Well, I hope, your little...taste

is worth it.

Let's bounce, Marl.

Now, if you want this old box of toys

you better come and get it.

Before...first of the month.

Oh, you're here.

I coulda sworn I just saw you leaving here with Marlon.

I don't look like that. I'm sexy.

Yeah. Whatever.

Okay. Mailman gave me that for you.

Oh, this must be that film from that camera.

You want to watch it with me, Dee?

- Your home movie? - Yeah.

I'd rather paint the porch with my tongue.

Well, don't worry about that, the new owners

are gonna tear the place down.

What do you mean, I've been doing all this work for nothin'?

Well, at least, I'm getting paid for it.

We'll talk after the movie.

And that's Marlon's eighth birthday.

(John) 'I got him a coconut cake. His favorite.'

(Dee) 'Aw, look at how cute they are.'

- 'Yeah.' - 'Aw.'

(John) 'They're kinda cute.'

'Shawn's been doing this to Marlon ever since he was four.'

'He still does it.'

'It's become a Williams' tradition.'

I remember this, Christmas of 1980.

I got Marlon the football.

Oh, look, he's doin' his little touchdown dance.

No, that's his I gotta pee dance.

(John) 'That was Shawn's prom night.'

'Even Marlon had a date.'

'I guess, my Jericho Juice was dangerous.'

'All that juice flying off could start a barbeque.'

'Look, I snuck into the prom to get some shots of the boy.'

'Look at that pretty girl he's with.'

'That boy was always a good dancer.'

'He took it after me.'

'That's all he got from me.'

'Marlon had a great time.'

'Aw, Shawn was a little shy.'

'I think it was that haircut.'

Not to mention his girlfriend stood him up.

I know how that feels.

You think you gonna be dinin' and dancin'

instead, you're sittin' on top of the washing machine

waiting for the spin cycle.

I don't know about all that, Dee.

I try to make them understand that you just don't

get everything you want in life.

There're gonna be things that disappoint you.

But I promised

I would never let him down.

You know, Dee..

I still feel that way.

(John) 'Ah, I love my sons.'

'Wouldn't trade 'em for the world.'

[instrumental music]

You know what, Marlon, I kinda feel bad

about what we did to pop.

Yeah, I know. That impression you did was insultin'.

If I was him, I'd whoop you with one of 'em snake skin belts.

I ain't talking about that, stupid.

Or kick you with some of them tic-tac shoes he got.

Ooh, crazy, Marlon Williams.

I ain't talkin' about that.

I've been thinkin', kid.

Doesn't matter what happened with the house.

Because all our memories are gonna be in here.

Nobody'll be able to take that away from us.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you're right.

Wasn't like it was such a great house anyway, you know.

You know the old guy could use the money.

You know, maybe, go on a second honeymoon.

Yeah, maybe this time he'll take ma with him.

I know right.

[knocking on door]

Alright.

- Hey. - Hey, what's up, pop.

- How you doin'? - Pretty good.

We were just talkin' about you.

I've got something to tell you and it can't wait.

You know I was thinking about what you said about growing up

in the house and having all those

fond memories of your childhood.

No, pop, pop, pop, we've been thinking about it too and, uh..

...we think it's okay if you sell that house.

- What? - Yeah, pop, I mean.

I think me and Marl was being selfish, man.

All that's important is that you and ma is happy.

And you don't look too happy.

You damn right I'm not happy.

I'm feelin' so bad about feelin' bad, I blew out the deal.

It cost me an extra $10,000 to get that house back.

- For that piece of-- - History.

History.

Well, that was stupid.

Stupid.

Maybe it was. Truth be known.

I would have missed the place.

And I always wanted somethin' to pass along to my boys.

Oh, pop, how sweet of you to think of me.

Not you, son. Shawn.

Oh, pop, thanks, man.

Give it out.

But you know what would make me feel real good?

- I mean, real happy. - What?

- What? - Reliving one of my..

...fondest memories of your childhood.

- What's that? - What's that, pops?

- Whippin' your ass. - What-what're you doing?

(Shawn) Wait..

♪ Money being made around here bang ♪

♪ Money being made around here ♪

♪ Bang big ol' cars ♪

♪ Range Rover diamonds and rings ♪

♪ If you like that kinda thing ♪

♪ Money being made around here whoo ♪

♪ Money being made around here whoo ♪

♪ Pop pop pop sugar pop ♪

♪ Do the shuffle bro do the shuffle bro ♪

♪ Now slide slide ♪

♪ Crack the back while you hit the sack ♪

♪ Crack the back while you hit the back ♪

♪ Now spank the monkey spank the monkey ♪♪

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.