Original subtitles

Hey, Shawn, look.

That guy Ron Woo's real estate

infomercial is on again.

(male #1 on TV) 'Hi. I'm Ron Woo.'

'Like Wu-Tang Clan.'

'Real estate genius.'

'I come to this country'

'two years ago with nothing.'

'Now I have a real estate empire'

'and all the money I need.'

'Big house. 'Big boat. Big women.'

'So, don't be like Mike, be like me.'

'Ron Woo. Buy my boat.'

- Yeah. - Come on, Marlon.

Man, turn from this garbage.

Can't we watch something more

educational for a change?

Like "Montel."

(male #2 on TV) 'Today on "The Montel Williamson Show"'

'"Freeloading Family Members."'

You ain't nothin' but a bum.

I was 19 years old when I had my own apartment.

That's right. And when I turned 19, I moved in with him.

Love these guys.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Put some more mustard on that.

I know, right? What a bum!

And you call yourself a man!

Huh, 22-years-old, still moochin' off your people.

[British accent] Place him on the couch.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know what's funny?

He probably got his own room with a lock on it.

He think it's his own apartment.

- Ra, ra, ra. - Freeloading bum!

I know, I'd show, I sw..

Son, I hate freeloaders.

I just hate, I hate freeloaders, man.

Don't they get on your nerves?

- Pfft. - Hey, wait a minute.

I'm 22-years-old. I'm livin' with my peoples.

I'm sleepin' on the couch. I'm a freeloader.

No, Marlon, y-you ain't nothin' like that guy.

I mean, real freeloaders, they don't kick in for like

supplies, or rent, or food.

Hey, maybe youare freeloader. Gimme back my damn sandwich.

You know what, this channel is trippin'.

Let's see what else is on.

[upbeat music]

(male #3 on TV) 'Tonight on Jerry Springer.'

'I'm tired of my brother..'

'...borrowing my clothes.'

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male #4) 'Alright. Cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite.'

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Okay, great. Great.

So I'll come by this afternoon

and check out the apartment.

Okay, hey..

Look, I know you normally like cash

but will you take check?

No, not a welfare check, a "check" check.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Alright. I'll see you later.

Alright.

- Marlon. - Yes?

Are you doin' what I think you're doin'?

Yup.

Oh, Marlon, a good-lookin' boy like you

don't have to pay for it.

Well, Dee, ain't nobody just gonna give it to me.

Yes, they will.

You just haven't met the right one.

Now, if you show a little more respect

and take 'em dancin'.

Take 'em dancin'?

Dee, I'm just lookin' for a place to put my stuff.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Well, you keep talkin' that piggish

I know why you can't meet a woman.

Meet a woman? Girl, what's wrong with you?

I'm talkin' about gettin' an apartment.

- Oh. - Hello! Somebody needs some.

No, no. Now, now, never mind.

Oh, w-why you movin' anyway?

You and Shawn have another fight about your feet?

No, Dee. I told you, I got foot odor-eaters, okay?

My feet don't smell like corn chips and vinegar no more.

- Uh, right, Shawn? - No.

I just think it's time for me to be my own man.

Well, Marlon, I'm impressed.

But, you know, it's not easy livin' on your own, now.

I tried to tell him that, but he insists on movin' out.

Look, Shawn, i-it's just time for me to become my own man.

Thank you for the offer, I appreciate it.

But, hey, gotta go, gotta go. You know what I'm sayin'?

♪ My baby told me ♪

♪ That uh if she catch me lyin' ♪

♪ That uh she's gonna put her foot up ♪

♪ My old black behind ♪♪

Po-o-p!

Papito mi! Aye, papi.

[chuckles] Look at you, Pop.

You're lookin' good today. And this shirt is fly.

What's that? Versa-cheap?

- No, no, no. - What do you mean "no?"

I didn't even ask you anythin' yet.

I'm psychic.

Whatever it is..

Whatever it is, the answer is "no."

- I know that look. - What?

And it always costs me a lot of money.

Come on, pop. I need it for an apartment, man.

Is Shawn kickin' you out because of your feet again?

No. Look, pop, I'm just tryin' to be more responsible.

I'm tryin' to be my own man. You know what I'm sayin'?

I wanna make my own financial decisions.

But I just wanna use your money.

Alright.

- I'm gonna loan you the money. - You will?

And just because it's you, I'm only gonna charge you

half interest.

Seventy-five percent.

Alright, that's pretty cool. Oh, that's a deal.

- Yeah, you like that? - Yeah.

You would've gone for hundred percent, huh?

- Hell, yeah, in a minute. - Damn.

[instrumental music]

This is nice. No roaches.

Say, this is pretty nice.

Oh, man, look at that view!

You mean the Empire State Building?

No, I'm talkin' 'bout that couple knockin' boots next-door.

Look at that.

Well, that brother's tented up.

'Hey, she must be into yoga or somethin'.'

Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Alright. Listen here, friend, this is my only vacant unit.

It's not gonna be that way for long.

I've already scheduled to show it to some other people.

'Course if you sign on the dotted line

sir, it's all yours.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, I wanna take some time to think about this, Mr. Ennis.

- Wow! - Yes, uh, may I help you?

Oh, yeah. I-I'm here about the apartment for rent.

- Yeah, well, this is it. - Oh, boy!

- Great. - Free to all, free to all.

Is this still available?

Uh...nope. I-I just took it.

No, as you see, sir, you haven't signed on the dotted line.

So technically it is still available.

- Oh, then I'll take it. - Oh, no. You won't.

I was here first, I'll

I'll take it, I'll.. Give it to me! Give it to me.

I'mma give it to you, but it ain't gonna be the lease.

There you go. It's too late. I'm signed.

But, uh, look here, Jam Brady

if you lookin' for a place to stay

I'm pretty sure we can work somethin' out.

Oh, you look sick, wha..

Hey, you got a little fever.

The jungle fever.

Alright, now, be careful. Be careful.

This is my good couch.

Besides, crackheads don't give refunds.

Come on. Come on, bring it right here.

Bring it over here. Bring it over here.

Yeah, right here in front of the window.

Yeah, right. Set it down.

Wait, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on.

That means they'll be able to see me doin' freaky things.

Let's back it up. Back it up. Come on.

Come on, Pop, back it up.

Come on, Pop, lift up your shoes, man.

You gonna get white scuff marks on Marlon's floor.

Alright. Wait, hold on, that's near the kitchen.

I don't want no grease on my couch. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, man, move it over.

Alright, put it down right there. You know what? No--

I'm not playin' with you, stupid. Come on!

Look...I'm not feelin' it there, okay?

Marl, are you feelin' it there now?

[screams] Damn!

Huh?

Do I feel that?

- Do you feel this? - Oh!

My babies.

You were right, Marlon, this place is nice.

Hey, you right about that, Dee.

And his elevator hardly smells like urine.

Hey, man, you got any more apartments for rent here?

No.

So, pop, how you like it?

Well, Marlon, I can't believe

this great business deal you made.

- I'm shocked. - Oh, thank you.

Well, tell me this now, when is the rent due here?

- That's on the 15th. - The 15th?

- Mm-hmm. - I want my money on the 14th.

You crazy, pop.

Alright, let's get out of here. Come on.

Marlon wants to be alone in his apartment. Come on.

Alright, yeah, everybody, y'all get on goin'.

- Yeah. - Finally I get my own place.

Nobody tellin' me what to do.

- That's true. - Nobody yellin' at me!

Nobody to talk to.

Nobody to watch TV with.

Nobody to g-get killed first if I get robbed.

Shawn!

- Oh, man! - Hey, Marlon.

Uh, you might wanna give it about five

before you go in there.

Uh, I just wanna let you know, you're toilet don't flush.

- That wasn't me. - No, it flushes.

Look, all you gotta do

is jiggle the handle, pull the chain and then take

the hand gun and just swirl it around a little bit.

Make that lil' whirlpool..

Umm, ghetto, do I go to your house and break things?

What? Uh, stupid. Uh, "The House That Jack Built?"

- I didn't touch it. - Yeah, it-it jumped off.

Look, I was tryin' to get some water.

- I was tryin' to get a glass-- - You're just jealous, brother.

You were always jealous. Breakin' it on the community.

That's what's wrong with you.

- Here. - 'Just give me a glass, man.'

Here, drink out of this.

That better be hot cocoa.

It tastes more like hot caacaa.

Maybe I got some water in the fridge.

(both) Whoo!

- Ah. - Damn.

- I think it needs a light bulb. - A light bulb?

I think it needs some Massengill.

Ah, don't worry about it, I'll just call the landlord tomorrow.

He'll come by and fix the fridge and..

Oh my God! Marlon, a rat!

[screaming]

He, he just..

- Where'd you see a rat? - He just ran in the bathroom.

- Go close the door. - I ain't going in there.

- You close the door. - Ah, this is your apartment.

Oh, yeah.

- Closing the door. - Get on now.

Watch it, Marlon! Here he comes! Here he comes!

[Marlon screaming]

That's not funny, stop playin'.

[imitating Shawn] E-ee.

Yo, man, I don't like this place no more, yo.

Ah, look, I know it got its problems

but besides the, you know, the black water

the broken toilet, t-the moldy fridge and the big-ass rat..

- ...it's pretty cool. - Alright.

Well, if you like it, I'll just mind my business.

- Well, you do that. - Yeah, great.

Yo, help me hang this clock up.

Hey, where you wanna hang this big ol' slave spoon?

Hey, Chimbuk, you best get in here and..

...eat some of this soup Missy done cooked.

Come on, man, stop playin'. Here, help me out.

Here. Hold this.

- Where? Right here? - Uh...okay.

- It's like, str-straight ahead. - Right here?

Yeah, that's cool.

What kind of stupid deal did you cut?

Marlon, did you at least look at this place

before you rented it?

No.

What'd you do? Just come in here and sign the lease and leave?

Basically.

Did you at least read the lease?

Yeah, I tried. I-I skimmed it. I skimmed it. Yeah.

But see what happened, them little words

started makin' me dizzy. Here, you look.

I felt like Mr. Magoo reading that.

Right.

- Well, Marlon. - What?

Looks like you and that rat is gonna become

real good friends.

Why you say that?

You just signed a ten-year lease.

[instrumental music]

Hi. Excuse me.

[clears throat]

I said, excuse me!

Please don't make me call you the "B" word. Thank you.

- May I help you? - Yes, you may.

Is Mr. Ennis here?

- Just one second please. - Oh, no problem.

Uh, Mr. Ennis, there's-there's some people here to see you.

No, go on and say it. There's someblack

That was not what I was gonna say.

Oh, yes. T-the others are here.

- Please. - 'Yeah, alright.'

- Mr. Ennis? - I know you!

You know my brother named OJ?

Buzz off.

Yes.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yes, Mr. Woo, I have plenty of buildings.

You just tell me when you wanna come by and see them.

Fine, yes. Alright, goodbye.

Gettin' a lot of interest from foreign investors.

- Oh, that's good. - Yo, for those ugly buildings?

Pardon me, are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

I want you to give my little brother back

his deposit money for that

bummy apartment you rented him.

Well, I'm sorry, your brother signed a lease.

Look, man, I read this, okay.

And it's shadier than a Don King contract.

Now I know who you are!

'You're the lady that tried to rent the apartment.'

Girl, it's a lucky thing you didn't

'cause I had nothin' but headaches with that--

Marlon, don't you get it?

She was in on it. You've been had.

Who told you that? Kevin?

Nah. Nah. Ain't nobody ever have me, yo.

He tried to have me, Shawn, but I fought him off.

He lyin'.

Him and Curtis.

Hey, yo, look, you better give my man back his money or else..

Or else? Or else what?

Or else I'll go sprewells

on your behind, that's what.

Shawn, stop! Shawn, stop!

Brother, stop it!

What's wrong with you, man?

Don't you know the man is tryin' to get that

reaction outta you, man?

Don't go there with him, brother, you're beyond that.

We gonna fight the man

like he would fight us.

We're takin' you to court, dude!

Yeah, court!

C-O-R-T. "Cort!"

Uh, U-T.

Well, just go right ahead.

The only way you're gonna get out of this lease is

if I let you out.

And that's not gonna happen.

Now get out of here before I raise your rent.

[shouts]

[hip-hop music]

Hey, Shawn.

I hope this works, yo.

I'm tellin' you, we ready to call legal aid

and the house don't know it ain't got shot down.

- Yo. - What?

Trust me, kid yo.

We gonna make so much noise playin' this music

they gonna have no other choice but to throw us out.

[indistinct greeting]

Yeah, wassup? Hey, it's all love, Brockley.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, yo, thanks for lettin' us rehearse up in your spot.

Hey, yo, it's all love, love, baby boy.

Hey, you know how it is, right?

Hey, but, uh, let me tell you somethin'.

You cool, I won't charge your man.

- What's up? - Hi, what's up, Christmas tree?

Hey, you. Hey, yo, Dahru! Do your thing, baby.

Do your thing.

[scatting]

[both grunting]

How do you like that?

Whoa, whoa.

[knock on door]

- Ee, hello. - Are you two having a party?

Yep.

You know what time it is?

Yup!

How long do you plan on keeping this up?

All night long, boy.

Good.

Hey, hey, hey. You wanna come in?

- I don't mind-- - Peace out!

Hey, Shawn, I can't even get kicked out

of this apartment right.

Wish I was rich like that guy Ron Woo.

Then I'd just buy the building and let myself off

this stupid lease.

That's a very good idea, Grasshopper.

Ha ha ha ha.

[speaking in foreign language]

Hello. May I help you?

Want to buy building in midtown.

[chuckles] Dad, there's-there's a-agentleman

who would like tobuy--

Buy building in midtown!

- Midtown! - Midtown, yes.

Yes, I'm, uh, Mr. Ennis, and you are?

Hi. Bin Waa.

Want to buy building in midtown.

- Have you seen the building? - Ha.

Beautiful building for brand new business.

Got lot of Benjamin.

Dinero.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

-Moolah! - Moola?

Like Cuba Gooding said, "Show me the money!"

Yes, yes, a-ha.

But one thing.

I want to find building with no tenant inside.

Tenants too many problem.

They cause too much problem.

Especially brothers. Flat tire?

Lazy. Brother no pay me.

Like to stay home all day.

Drink Kool-Aid. Red kind.

And watch Jerry Springer.

Just out of curiosity, what do you plan to do

with the building?

Ah, want to buy big, big shopping complex.

Bigger than Godzilla!

Well, there'd be no problem at all.

I'm going to buy the tenants out of their leases.

Now, how much "Money Benjamins" are we talking?

Oh, lot of Benjamin, baby.

Whatcha gonna do? Be vola, shakola.

[laughing] Trippin' in the fence, farmer.

(Marlon) 'So, Blackie Chan, did it work?'

Probably.

All I know is two Chinese girl

gave me their number. They thought I was Prince.

Ooh!

Let me see that money, yo.

Yeah, check this out, baby boy.

- 'Bam!' - 'Oh, man, son.'

- This looks like real money. - You like?

[knock on door]

- Who is it? - 'Mr. Ennis.'

- Shawn, you gotta hide. - Where am I gonna hide?

- Go in my bathroom. - Get out of here.

There's a rat in there.

Man, do karate on it.

Ka-chow!

- Hey. - Yes.

Good evening, Mr. Williams.

I'm sorry to have dropped by so, uh, late.

- May I come in for just one-- - Okay.

It's alright, I was thinking about

what you and your brother said yesterday

and you know the two of you are absolutely correct.

No one should have to live like this.

So that's why I've decided to tear up the lease

and forget about the whole thing.

[screaming]

- Really? - What was that noise?

Um, that-that's my, uh

that's my girlfriend.

She's a little backed up.

She used to swallow gum when she was little.

And eat lots of cheese.

Yes, well, w-what do you say?

- I'll tear up the lease. - Uh, sure.

[screaming]

Oh, ho ho, mister.

Oh, Mr. Ennis.

I like, I like Chinese girls.

Uh, I was just checking out my new property.

Yes, well, you can cut the act now, Ben Waa.

Whatever your name is. You couldn't fool me.

You think I couldn't see past that fake Chinese accent

and that bad make-up.

If you knew I was fakin', then how come

you're still tearin' up the lease?

Because I found myself a real buyer.

Now, here is your money.

Now, you, and that bad actor

get out of my apartment.

I'm gonna show the real owner this new place.

Come on in.

Sheik.

It is pronounced "shake."

My name is Sheikh Your Booty.

If you don't mind, I'd like to inspect my property in private.

- Thank you, kindly. - As you wish, Your Highness.

Now, hurry up, and get that couch out of here.

Pop, how'd you know we's in trouble?

[incoherent speech]

Look, stop with the dumb accent, "Saddami Hussain."

That boy J-Nub, who's-who's got that crazy hair..

...look like a bushel basket full of rutabaga stems..

...told me you tryin' to be evicted..

...so I figure I'd come around and give you a hand.

Good lookin' out, pop.

You ain't disappointed, are you?

No, Marlon, you're trying to do your best

and that's good enough for me.

So I'm not half as disappointed as Mr. Ennis' gonna be

when he finds out that I don't have any money.

Hey, Marlon, I'm kinda glad you didn't get the apartment anyway.

I mean...it wouldn't be the same without you.

- Ha, thanks, man. - Hy!

What're you like, MSG?

I'm glad you boys are back together.

- That's-- - Glad you're back together.

I don't have to memorize a new phone number.

[chuckles]

Alright, let's not..

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What?

Did you boys forget something?

Uh..

Here, pop, and that's with interest.

Hey, hey, hey, pop, you wanna see Marlon's new puppy?

Uh, Marlon got a new puppy. It's in the bathroom.

- Puppy? - You wanna check it out?

- Yes, a Rat-weiler. - A Rat-weiler!

Go ahead. Go right ahead.

- His name is Ben, pops. - Ben?

- Ben. Come on, Ben. - See behind the door.

[screaming]

- Ben. Come on, Ben. - See behind the door.

[screaming]

'Get me out of here.'

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."