Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Yo, Shawn, yo, that's that broad Stacey

I've been telling you about.

Thewannabe

What're you talkin' about, man? That girl made it.

Everybody knows her, she's that girl

from the Nature Bright toothpaste commercial.

You know, the one with all that gingivitis?

Oh, good. Then you two have something in common.

[giggling]

I'll bet you a pack of Tic Tacs that I can hit that tonight.

I see your Tic Tacs

and I raise you... to Jolly Ranchers.

- It's on, baby - Come on, baby.

It's on, baby.

Hey, Stacey, what can I do for you, girl?

- Just this "Backstage," Marlon. - Oh.

You know, Stacey, I'm thinkin' 'bout

gettin' into acting myself.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Maybe have my own show.

Oh, why stop at your own show?

Hey, why not star in your own movie?

Can I be in it with you, please?

Could happen. All it takes is a dream.

- That's how I got gingivitis. - See, Shawn.

Hey, Stacey, I'm really thinking about

taking up this acting thing.

What you say, me and you get together tonight

and do a little bit of Romeo and Juliet?

You know, have ourselves a little undress rehearsal?

Sounds like much to do about nothing.

Was that a yes or a no?

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

[upbeat music]

Say...y'all interested in gold jewelry?

Hell, yeah.

Damn!

The ladies can really go for this one.

Let me show you this.

- You got a girlfriend? - Oh, what if I had debt?

That's 18-karat gold, the stones are semiprecious.

Hmm, well, unfortunately, this brother is semi-broke.

- Thanks, but no thanks, man. - You know what? Y'all in luck.

This is an old sample I'm gettin' in a new shipment.

I'd give it to you for 50 bucks.

Fifty bucks?

Damn, brother, that's crackhead prices.

- Sold. - Yes.

- Shawn, pay the man. - Are you crazy?

Just take it off from my next week's salary, man.

This is next week's salary.

And it's worth every penny, my brother.

You know what they say? Diamonds are forever.

But gold will get you through the night.

And you know that.

Ooh-wah.

- 'Hey, girl.' - 'Hey, Dee.'

(Shawn) How was your little date last night?

- That good, huh? - Shut up!

You two have some explaining to do.

But you just told us to shut up.

- Yeah, Dee, make up your mind. - Shut up!

How dare you try to fix me up with that broken-down old man?

Who? Coach Kenny? Girl, he ain't that old.

I mean, besides, the girls say he got it goin' on.

Yeah, he goin' on Social Security.

What even make you think I'd be

interested in that old geezer?

Do I look like Moms Mabley?

Shut up!

Oh, come on, Dee, let's be realistic.

Now, everybody knows you are far too picky.

Excuse me?

Picky?

Oh, I see, poor old Dee

should settle because she's over 30

and lives at home with her mother

and can no longer squeeze into a size eight, and..

Where am I goin' with it? Wh.. Wait, wait.

The point is... I'm still in the game.

Still in the game?

From where I stand, you're bettin' a 1000.

Who asked..

Uh, hello.

- Roland Grant. - Deirdre Baxter.

(both) Deirdre?

Uh, run along, little boys, grown folks is talking.

So, um..

...Mr. Grant, what brings you to this building?

Uh, well, you know, I have clients here.

- I'm a jewelry broker. - Oh.

Antiques, rare stones, that kind of thing.

You might say, I have an appreciation

for the finer things in life.

I just bet you do.

You know, if you ever need anything appraised..

Uh-huh?

...don't hesitate to give me a call.

Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, h-hold on, my albino friend.

Look here.

Dee was just talking about how she wanted

some jewelry appraised earlier today.

- Right, Dee. - I did?

Oh, yeah, I did. Um..

My mother's engagement ring.

Yeah, she has a chest full of antique jewelry

you could be appraising for weeks and weeks.

This is a fine, pear-shaped ruby.

- Excuse me? - Oh.

I'd like to take a better look at this

and the woman who owns it.

- My mother? - No. You.

Say, over lunch?

Well, that would be wonderful, Roland.

But, Deirdre..

...lunch isn't for another two hours.

Shut up, man. Can't you see Deirdre's hungry?

[upbeat music]

I'm tellin' y'all that necklace was all Stacey needed.

Kid, I put it on her and the clothes just fell off.

I like the way that sounds, brother.

- Oh, yeah, brother. - Shame on you both.

I won't have that kind of smutty locker-room talk in my diner.

Let's go in the kitchen.

Good morning, gentlemen. Isn't it a glorious day?

Hell, Dee, what's with the flowers?

Did the security guards have a prom?

[laughing]

No. It's a little memento from Roland.

We spent the weekend in his suite at The Plaza.

(Shawn) 'Ooh.'

Dee, this thing with Roland

sound like it's gettin' pretty serious pretty fast.

You know, as Roland says, "Life is short."

Dee, everybody says that.

Yeah, but not like Roland.

He can turn anything into poetry.

Hmm. Can I get you something to eat?

No, thank you. I am living on love.

Well, maybe, I'll get a Danish to go.

Oh, uh...well, now that I have Roland

I have to keep up my strength.

Damn, pop, look like Dee been bit

by the old lovebug, man.

Did you see the sparkle in her eye?

- Did you see it? - 'Yeah.'

Same look your mother gets when she sees pork.

Somethin' ain't right to me, pop.

I mean, what do we know about this Roland guy?

Well, we know he liked his chocolate chunky.

I'm serious, Marlon. This guy..

You know, he's a little too slick for me.

Well, he ain't interested inyou.

Besides, he treats Dee like a queen.

Eh, that brother is alright with me.

It's because of him and that necklace

Stacey is all over me.

Marlon Williams!

See what I mean. Girl can't get enough.

Look what you did to my neck!

Damn, that's the freakiest hickey I ever gave.

It's from that cheap necklace of yours.

I can't believe I almost kissed you.

[chuckles]

Almost kissed?

Let Marlon tell it, you gave up the panty drawers.

Well, that just shows how much he doesn't know.

I don't wear panties.

No panty drawers?

Whoops, I dropped my necklace.

Oh, man, no panty drawers.

You snort down this, pig?

See, this proves that everything I was sayin'

about this Roland guy was right.

He ain't nothin' but a cheap con artist.

Well, he told me it was 18 karat!

Son, I don't think gold is supposed to..

...flake like this.

What? He ganked me.

Come on, man, we're gonna go down to The Plaza

and kick his thievin' ass. Come on, Shawn.

- Let's do this like.. - Yeah!

Let's show him what happens when you mess

with the Williams family.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Marlon, bring your little skinny butt--

[squeaking] I don't wanna fight!

[upbeat music]

Good day, gentlemen.

What may I do to help you?

Well, Mr. Belvedere..

...the guy at the front desk said we could find

Mr. Roland Grant here.

Ah! Mr. Grant. He should return momentarily.

Charming man and generous to a fault.

He gave me a very good deal on this Gran Breton pique.

I say, my wrist has taken on an odd patina.

Not only that, but that fake ol' watch

is making your wrist turn green.

That's outrageous.

Hey, just be glad he didn't sell you a nipple ring.

Ah, I-I'll be right back.

Oh.

- Oh, snap, look. - Oh.

Foxworth. We have reservations.

- Oh. - Oh, oh. We'll see about that.

Uh, ahem.

You don't say, uh, let's see, I'm..

I can't find it. I'm, I'm looking.

- I'm looking. - Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Avery. - Yes, dear.

I'm still looking. I..

I can't see it.. Ah, it's a little clearer.

I see a, a Rick Fox. Uh, Jeff Foxworthy, Jamie Foxx.

Oh, yes, Foxworth! Yes, yes, yes.

Please show these people to their seat, mister.

Oh, most certainly.

Uh, you know, I don't see an empty table.

I'm, I'm looking.

I, I, I'm looking.

I said I'm looking, dammit!

Avery.

But there are plenty of tables..

[clears throat]

Yes, dear.

[clears throat] Right this way to the bald head cheapskate section.

Excuse me, I'm meeting a Mr. Roland Grant here for lunch.

I'm sure there are reservations.

Uh, yeah, actually, I got a reservation

about Mr. Grant myself.

- Mm-hmm. - What part of you is green?

What? Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm his fiancee.

[upbeat music]

I'm sorry, now, how can you be so sure that was Dee's ring?

Pops, trust me, Dee wears that ring every single day.

I've seen her fist in my face enough times to know.

Wait, wait, wait, look here. Let's forget the ring, alright?

The worst part about this is Dee's open for this dude

and when he's cheatin' on her.

Pop, Marlon is right.

I mean, this could really push Dee over the edge

then we're all gonna be in trouble.

Yeah, and she got that gun.

She might go postal work on all of us.

- Hi, guys. - Aah!

What up, Dee?

- Hey, what's up, girl? - Is your gun loaded?

My, you look like you're in a good mood.

She sure does.

But then again when you're a strong

independent career woman

who don't need a man to validate herself.

You're always in a good mood, ain't you, Dee?

Ha ha! You know, I used to feel that way before I met Roland

but since he's come into my life, everything's changed.

As a matter of fact, I just gave my notice.

Notice? You quittin'?

Yeah, Roland says he doesn't want any wife of his workin'.

Wife?

You heard me, boys. We're engaged.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

(Marlon) You're engaged?

But, but, Dee, doesn't this seem a little sudden?

I mean, you've only known him a week.

Yeah, it'd take you longer than that to do them braids.

I mean...w-w-where's he from? You know anythin' about him?

- Where's the man from? - Yeah.

- Toledo. - What about his family?

He's the youngest of three.

Father's dead, mother's in a nursing home.

Maiden name Peters. Any more questions?

Just one little itty-bitty one.

What about his other fiancee?

April? The Asian girl?

You know about her?

Poor dear.

She ain't no fiancee.

She's a old flame that won't let go.

Roland's tryin' to let her down easy.

- He even took her to lunch. - And gave her your ring.

Uh-huh. Explain that one.

She's his jewelry appraiser, okay?

Now, you explain something to me.

How did you find out about April?

What are y'all doin' all up in my business?

Well, we're just concerned.

Yeah, Dee, we're just watchin' your back.

I don't need you to watch my back.

- That's Roland's job. - Oh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan.

Oh, and by the way

we're registered at Bloomingdales.

Oh, man.

Y'all wanna go in on a toaster?

(Stacey) 'You guys are trippin', I don't want any part of this.'

Come on, girl, it's gonna be

a nice little engagement party at The Plaza.

There's gonna be free food, free drinks, free music

it's gonna be fun.

Alright, let me get this straight.

You want me to con this con artist and pose

as a wealthy woman who needs her jewelry appraised?

Exactly. See, what would happen is, he'll see you

drippin' with jewels, right?

He'll dump Dee, go after you

and we catch him right there in the act.

Mmm. Give me one good reason I should do this.

'Cause I'll go out with you again.

Give me one good reason I should do this.

'Cause you'll be helping to catch a crook.

The same crook that turned your neck green.

Yeah. That's true.

It's a good point.

And..

...girl, it's the role of a lifetime.

There's absolutely no nudity.

- Oh. - Whoops.

Besides, um..

...we need an actress of your caliber.

Oh, you haven't even seen me act.

You pretended to like Marlon.

Let's see Angela Basett top that.

Good point. I'll do it.

I-I can get a costume and some jewelry

from the theater department. A baseball bat from the gym.

A baseball bat? W-w-w-what do you need a baseball bat for?

You'll find out the next time you try to look up my skirt.

- New dress for the party? - Wait till you see it.

I went way over my budget.

But Roland says, "You only get engaged once."

This Roland says a whole lot, doesn't he?

Now, don't you start.

Well, Dee, you must be really in love with this guy, huh?

Pops, I know everything is going real fast

but Roland has turned my life around.

I mean, he...he makes me feel smart, beautiful and special.

Well...the way I see it

he hasn't turned anythin' around.

You've always been smart, beautiful and special.

Oh, Pops, you're sweet.

No, I've never been sweet.

- I just tell it like it is. - Aw.

All I know is I feel like

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Well, I know you're happy, Dee, but you keep your eyes open.

And remember if anybody's lucky, it's Roland.

Aw.

[upbeat music]

When you said costume, I didn't think

you meant Halloween, Morticia.

What's wrong with this?

Look at all that damn jewelry, like Mrs. T.

Eh, nobody gonna fall for that.

Uh, eh, good evening, madam.

"The Kiss Of The Spiderwoman" cast party is down the hall.

Mm-hmm, I know, but I just thought

I'd stop in the security guards' soiree first.

- Gentlemen, shall we? - Oh, but, of course, ma'am.

Shawn, Marlon, welcome to the party.

Eh, what's up, Sky? Feeling better..

Man, it's cool.. What you doing?

- Yo, what's up, Roland? - I'm good, man.

Chillin'. Word up.

Uh, we'd like to introduce you to a friend of ours.

Yeah. She's a lonely, rich and desperate girl.

That's me. I'm Stacey.

- Stacey. - Uh, Dupont.

- Bouvier. - It's Stacey Dupont Bouvier.

The III.

Uh, she's heiress to the Jericho fortune.

Yes. Uh, dreadlocks have nearly wiped us out.

And that's why I would like to have

some of my jewelry appraised.

And, uh, we told her that you were the man to talk to.

Well, you know what? Maybe we could get together sometime.

But how about tonight?

Remember, Roland..

...she's lonely, rich and desperate.

These, uh, ruby earrings were my great great grandmother's

given to her by her slavemasters

as a token of his esteem.

Yeah, he wanted baby to look fly

when he snuck in that cabin at night.

And these will be the hardest to part with.

Mother wore these pearls on her wedding day.

I don't care about the money, Roland

I just want them to have good homes.

You hear, good homes.

Look at her, Roland, she's so vulnerable, man.

Why don't you take her up to the hotel room

and you get a closer look at them thang.

Look, man, I can't! I'm here with my fiancee.

Besides, I can tell that these are fake.

Oh, no, man, those are real. I felt them.

I'm talkin' about the jewelry, fool.

Oh.

These are obviously paste and tin foil.

My legacy, fake?

I can't go on. I'm, I'm undone.

Would y'all excuse me, please? My fiancee's waiting.

Would you get off me with that itchy weave?

Well, I'm sorry. I guess, I was still just in the moment.

You know what? The moment is over.

You know, you can't talk to me that way, I'm a thespian.

Eh, look here, it's okay, alright?

It's just a phase.

One night with me, and I'll turn you around.

You and your stupid plan!

Now, Dee's gonna run off with Mario Van Peebles over there.

- Hi, Marlon. Hi, Shawn. - Hey, Dee.

I'm so glad you made it. Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?

Thank you all for coming.

I'm sure you've met my wonderful fiance, Roland Grant.

Well, now, I'd like to introduce you to my beautiful ring.

Ooh. It's a diddy, brother.

- See how it sparkles? - Oh, yes, Dee.

Uh-huh, I had it cleaned today.

- Oh, did you? - Yes, I did.

And the jeweler was impressed.

You know those funny little numbers inside it?

He checked it on this funny little list

and the funniest thing happened.

Guess?

- What, will it be funny? - I don't think so.

The ring is stolen.

- Hammer your bid'ness, Dee. - Get him, girl.

Dee, what do you mean stolen?

I mean, not paid for.

I mean belonging to someone else. I mean hot.

Now, you stop me when I found a phrase that you understand.

You know, I don't think I like your tone.

I can see that all my time, energy and love

has been wasted here.

Oh, not just here, it seems that you've spread it

all over the East Coast.

What about Rachel from Rhode Island?

My, my, my, my, my!

Yeah, your love cost two grand on her credit card

and a diamond ring.

Dee, see, I can explain all that--

Oh, yes. Like you explained to April.

The woman who wouldn't let go.

I couldn't let go?

You couldn't let go of my car keys.

I want my damn Lexus.

Hold on, girl, you got a Lexus?

What you doin' later on tonight?

Roland, the police have a list of over 15 women

who are victims of your lies.

And you can add my green nipple to that list.

Boys, come in.

Oh, m.. No, you don't..

Roland, you can either stay here with your fan club

or you can go with these two nice policemen to jail.

Looks like the only jewels you'll be appraising

is family jewels.

Baby, look, this has all been a big mistake.

Yeah, and you made it.

Book him, boys.

Peace out, Al B. Sure.

Hey, way to go, Dee-Dee.

You excelled all over his ass, girl.

Hey, Dee, look, we're really sorry

that things turned out this way.

Well, nothing to be sad about.

I mean, I don't need Roland

as long as I have the three of you looking out for me..

...reminding me just how special I really am.

I'm not desperate, so get your hands off me.

Eh, look everybody, Roland left his room key.

Any of you broken-hearted women want a little bit of a..

[sniffs] ...room service?

I do, Shawn.

(in unison) Me too.

I'm the one with the key.

- See, I got the key, y'all. - Thank you, brother.

Ladies, shall we?

Yitadee! Heh heh heh.

Hey, Shawn, the free clinic called!

They said they got that ointment you needed!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.