Original subtitles

[instrumental "Jingle Bells"]

Damn, this is more work than tryin' to close my zipper.

You're going down!

What's up?

What you got in the bag?

All the essentials of a good ski trip.

Ski boots, ski parka

and a five gallon jug of heat and eat massage oil. Ooh!

Oh, yes. I like those ingredients, brother.

Oh, brother, it might be cold on the slopes

but between Lakisha, Latrina

and that heat and eat massage oil

it's gonna be pretty hot in that room.

Yo, man, I think this is gonna be the fattest Christmas ever.

I know, thank God, we ain't got to spend it

with Aunt Mabel and all those crazy relatives.

Hey, what did pop say when you told him

we wasn't going this year?

Nothin'.

- Nothin'? - Uh-uh.

How come he didn't get mad?

Because I didn't actually tell him.

Marlon, man, you promised, gee!

Shawn, I tried. It just wasn't the right time!

It's Christmas Eve!

When was you plannin' on tellin' him?

Father's Day.

[knocking on door]

[door bell ringing]

Alright, alright. Who is it?

- Hey. - Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey. It's Christmas Eve. You know what that mean.

- All good boys get fruitcake. - Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry. This year I used a new recipe.

I got it from the rhythm and blues cookbook.

Little Richard's tutti-frutti fruitcake.

Oh, yes. I-I love me some fruitcake.

You can see, I invented fruitcake.

I guess I did. I invented The Beatles.

I invented rock 'n' roll.

And I still ain't been paid. Whoo-hooo!

But I sure am pretty, huh-huh.

Shut up.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

Well, miracles will never cease.

You boys are already packed.

Normally, you moan and groan about going to your

Aunt Mabel's house in Philadelphia.

Uh, Pops.

There's something we need to tell you.

Boy..

Your great great grandfather would be so proud of you.

He said the only thing that's better than spending

Christmas with family is killing confederate soldiers.

Shawn, isn't there something that you have to tell pop?

Oh, yeah, Pops. About our trip to Philadelphia--

Ah, Philly.

Home of the cream cheese.

The Liberty Bell

and fond, fond Christmas memories.

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ Please have snow ♪

♪ And mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents ♪

Shoo, thank God.

♪ Under the tree ♪

Oh, by the way, boys, what did you wanna tell me?

Uh...thanks a lot for the fruitcake.

♪ Christmas Eve will find me.. ♪♪

[hip hop music]

Ho ho ho. Who do we have here?

A brat who cut in line. My kid was next.

She was not.

Hey, hey, hey. Shut up!

This is Christmas.

I'd like this magazine.

Oh, hold on.

A mistletoe.

You know what that means, right?

You got to kiss me. It's Christmas tradition.

I'm Jewish.

Eh, well, don't go, little Sammy Davis Junior.

This pickle is kosher.

Hey, it's Christmas Eve.

Why are you taking down the decoration?

Because, Dee, we don't wanna have to deal with this

when we get back from our trip.

Oh, you boys sound like you got some big plans.

- And you know that. - Oh, yeah.

We're planning on spending an entire weekend

going down some soft curvy slopes.

Yeah, maybe while we're there

we'll do a little bit of skiing too.

Oh, what's the matter, Dee?

You got a little problem with Christmas?

No, it's all so fake!

I mean, everybody's so nice, you know?

Perfect strangers come up to you

"Merry Christmas, happy holiday."

And the only reason they're doin' is so they can get a gift.

Happy holidays to my favorite people

in my favorite building.

Who the hell are you?

It's me, Norm, your mailman.

Oh, can the Christmas cheer.

You're not gettin' a tip.

Oh. I almost forgot.

There is a package for you.

It's marked, "Fragile."

- Go long. - No, no!

[thud]

Oh, man!

Tsk. Shoo!

There goes my "Sanford And Son" commemorative plates.

You should have tipped him a dollar, dummy.

This was your Christmas gift.

Looks like I'm the dummy.

Dummy.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, man!

A merry merry Christmas to one and all.

Ah, happy holidays, my sugar plum fairy.

[sniffles]

How would you like to meet my nutcracker?

My, my, my.

If you didn't look so much like Buster Douglas

I'd say something to hurt your feelings.

High.

Low!

What are you doing here, T.C.? What's the matter?

That lethal injection ain't kick in yet?

Why you wanna mess with T.C. this time of the year?

Can't you see I'm filled with the spirit?

Yeah, the spirit of St. Ides.

[laughing]

Why are you giving this nice young lad such a hard time?

I mean, he's brimming with Yuletide joy!

Of course, I am!

I just sold a cubic zirconium outside

to some sucker for $800.

[laughs]

Shame on you.

Taking advantage of the holidays to exploit people.

Oh, no, no. You're the one with the real scam, bro.

Yeah, all you rented Santas do is make empty promises to kids.

Mm-hmm. Chew that, chew that, chew that--

The Macy's Santa

told me when I was ten years old

that I was gonna get my wish.

Well, ha!

Never did get that dolomite decoder ring.

Come to think of it, I never got that "Action Jackson"

Saturday Night Special I was promised, neither.

I'm still waiting on my Susan Lucci designer locket.

They didn't have those when you were a kid.

They didn't have Antonio Banderas either

but I want that too.

Yeah, and what about my bikini beach Betty Doll?

Bikini beach Betty?

It was the closest thing I'd get to a naked woman.

Oh, no. Christmas isn't about getting presents.

It's about giving the gift of love.

Ho ho ho!

I wish he would stop with all of them hos.

I know, he sounds like a stuttering pimp.

(both) Where is my ho ho ho?

[instrumental "Jingle Bells"]

Hey.

- Shawn? - Hey, Marlon..

Hey, would you stop playing and come on?

It's gonna be packed, man.

Well, we got to wait for all the customers

to get out of the lobby first.

No problem.

I want my grandpa's heart

to get all better.

And I want for the rainforest to come back.

And no more war or hunger.

Aw, that's so cute, but it's closing time.

Come on, kid.

And I want everyone to recycle!

And I want a ban on nuclear testing

and smoking in restaurants!

Hold on, Charlotte isn't finished yet.

Hey, well, she need to be talking to

a congressman not Santa Claus.

Come on, kid, peace out, merry Christmas.

- Hey, wait, wait, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright. Ho ho ho!

Shame on you, Marlon.

- Marlon, what are you doing? - I had to, pop.

We had to hurry up or else we're gonna miss our plane.

You've been dippin' in the rumball, son.

We're takin' a train to Philly.

Uh, no, pop. You're takin' the train.

Me and Marlon are gonna fly to Vermont.

You what?

Pop, we're gonna go skiing

with Lakisha and Latrina this year.

But we always spend Christmas together.

Yeah, but this time we wanted to do something different

like have fun.

Christmas is not about fun. It's about family!

Are you gonna actually turn your back on us

for a couple of snow hos?

If that all you feel about Christmas

I guess I'll be calling the whole thing off!

Hey, if we gonna call the whole thing off, let's go skiing.

Word up, let's shake the spot.

Okay, this is it!

Nobody's going anywhere

or shakin' anything.

Santa's a trap!

You got that right, pal.

And I'm gonna use it unless you people stay right here

and do exactly what I say!

[instrumental music]

I'm harmless, give me that gun.

You don't really think you call pull that trigger?

In a North Pole minute.

Now, the only one who's forking over a gun is you, Dee.

Come on, give it to me.

'And the nightstick too.'

Don't worry, Dee.

He might have got your gun

buy you still got them bullets girl.

You pipe down.

Now the doors are all locked, nobody's going anywhere.

Now either you get the Christmas spirit..

...or it's gonna get very messy in here.

Pop, do somethin' before Santa smokes us.

Don't come crying to me.

If we had gone over to Aunt Mabel's house

none of this would have happened.

Eh, I'd rather get shot than have to eat

Aunt Mabel's pig feet puddin'.

Don't you talk about my sister like that.

She taught me everything I know about cookin'.

What'd that take, five minutes?

Will you excuse me?

This is a hostage situation, not "The Ricki Lake Show."

- Shut up. - Please, just tell us.

Exactly what do you want?

All I want is for you to be kind and warm..

...and show a little love for your fellow man.

Ooh, he crazier than we thought.

You know, you got too many red balls in one spot.

And that star on top is crooked.

Shawn, Lakisha and Latrina's plane leaves in 20 minutes.

That's it, Santa's about to get jolly stomped.

- Get him, Shawn. - What did you say?

Oh, we were just sayin' how much fun we're havin'!

(all) Yeah!

And-and-and how Christmassy..

Oh, how Christmassy we feel, right?

[all cheering]

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho! Can we leave now?

Just keep stringin' those lights.

You've got a long way to go.

Alright, look, here's the plan.

You go distract him, I'm gonna go to the phone

and try and call for help.

- Okay. - Alright?

Don't worry, I know exactly what to do.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh! Look, a ball fell.

Hey, Santa, look. See?

I'm a flamboyant Christmas tree.

My, is my balls ringing?

[laughs]

'Santa, Santa, it's a Charlie Brown Christmas, right?'

And I'm Franklin, the only black peanut in the gang.

Hey, Charlie, how come everybody else got gifts but me?

I guess you must be dreamin' of a white..

...Christmas.

[whispers] That's all I know!

Hello, 911?

Merry Christmas.

You try that again, you're gonna be

a "Silent Night Holy Night."

Now get over there.

It was Marlon's idea.

Hey, he called you fat, Santa.

I did not. I said you're big-bone-ded.

You guys don't look happy.

Now either you get that Christmas spirit

or I'm gonna blow your heads off!

[indistinct cheering]

(Santa) Alright, boys and girls.

Now speak clearly, don't be nervous

and remember..

...my gun is loaded.

Alright, let the party begin!

[clearing throat]

Back in the day..

[clears throat] ...I mean

way back in the day..

...in Bethlehem..

...there was a fine family of shepherds.

I said..

...there was a fine family of shepherds!

(Marlon) 'It dumb, I ain't doin' it!'

(Shawn) 'Yeah. I don't care if Santa does have a gun, though'

[indistinct]

We're tellin' this Christmas story.

Forget about Santa.

Don't make me come back there with my belt and whip your butt.

A fine family of shepherds.

I feel like an Israeli cleaning crew.

But two of the shepherds were selfish and thoughtless.

They didn't want to spend Christmas with their family.

No, they were interested in lust and fornication.

And they wanted to go skiing.

Hey, that's not a part of the Christmas story.

You tell your version, I'll tell mine!

But as fate would have it

the two little girls went skiing by themselves.

And the poor little shepherd boy had to spend the night..

...watching over their sheep.

[chuckles]

Come on, man, I look like the front seat of a pinto!

What did you say?

[imitating a sheep] Ba!

And suddenly..

...the sky was filled with a bright light.

And when they looked up

you know what they saw?

Police helicopters.

[laughs]

No, fool.

An angel of the Lord.

She looks like a ghetto butterfly.

And the angel looked down upon them

and in a beautiful voice she said.

Fear not, behold I bring you

good tidings of great joy for all men.

For unto you is born this day

in the City of David

a savior, who is Christ the Lord.

(Pops) Ah..

And that's how Christmas got started.

Thank you, that was beautiful.

[chuckles]

Now let's get into costume

for the big "Frosty The Snowman finale.

Ba-a-a!

I can't believe we're stuck having Christmas dinner

with a fat psychopath.

I know. I might as well be home with my mother.

Alright, everybody. Dinner is served.

Wow, pop, that looks slammin'!

I don't know we had a turkey back there.

Well, it's not exactly a turkey, son.

I had to improvise.

Well, what is it?

It's spurkey.

It looks like turkey, but tastes like spam.

Alright, everyone sit down.

Okay, Dee, do you want dark pink or light pink?

Oh, aren't we forgetting something?

Hot sauce?

No. It's time to give thanks.

For spurkey?

Marlon?

Everybody, bow your heads, please.

Canned fish, cold spam, let's eat hot damn.

- Word up. - Wait up, junior.

- Is that the best you can do? - What do you want from me?

I'm supposed to be up in the mountains right now

knocking boots with some snow bunny.

Instead, I had to dress up like Yasser Arafat

and now I'm sitting here in a diner with a gun in my head

eatin' some fake-ass spurkey.

Why don't you just shoot me and take me off my misery?

It's the worst Christmas I ever had.

Can't you shoot me? Can't you?

I guess you're right.

No, don't shoot! I don't..

I'm not gonna shoot anyone.

I should have known you can't force people

to have the Christmas spirit.

I guess nobody cares anymore.

Don't say that, Santa.

- Some people still care. - Hm.

I know it's my favorite holiday..

...ever since that magic Christmas when I was four.

I can remember like it was yesterday.

Oh, boy, another one of Pop's long stories.

I tell you, this night just keeps getting

better and better, huh?

See this Christmas my daddy was away

fightin' in World War II.

And mama didn't have any money for gifts.

So she made us some hottamales

so we all have something to unwrap.

[laughs]

Y'all were poor.

She was just about to tuck us in

when we heard a noise outside.

We ran to the window..

...and we saw this large man with a big old sack.

Santa with some toys.

No, it was my daddy with his dirty laundry.

[laughs]

He had come home from the war..

...on Christmas Day!

Oh, man, he hugged the daylights out of my mom.

We were jumping all around him.

We spent the rest of that night..

...listening to the radio and eating

US Army chocolate bars.

That is so sweet.

Yeah.

It was the happiest day of my life.

You know after that..

....I decided I never would spend another Christmas

without my family.

Wow, Pops, I didn't know it meant that much to you.

Yeah, pop.

If you'd have told us this

I would've cancelled the ski trip.

I mean, I'm sorry, we just had booty on our minds.

Well...you're forgiven, son.

You know, I was young once myself.

A long time ago, brother.

Far be it for me to sound corny, but..

I'm feeling a little tingly inside, you know?

I think I'm feelin' the Christmas spirit.

Either that or that spurkey's kickin' in.

No, no. T.C. is right, I'm startin' to feel it myself.

It is Christmas.

Something must be up.

I actually miss my mother.

Yeah.

I'm feeling all good and pure inside.

For the first time in years I don't even feel horny.

Oh..

Wait, there it goes again.

What do you think?

Have we learned our lesson, Santa?

- Santa? - He's gone!

He sure move fast for a fat man.

Watch yourself, watch yourself.

Santa!

Santa?

Santa?

Santa?

Oh, come on.

[grunts]

I guess he shook the spot.

Oh, man, look, stockings.

Hey, they got our name on 'em.

Here's a note.

"Merry Christmas to all

"and to all a good night.

P.S., ho ho ho."

- Let's see what we got. - Come on, hey.

Oh, snap. Check this out!

He left me his gun.

Stop!

Will you guys cut it out?

This is a fake gun, it's plastic, man.

You mean, we were held hostage with a toy?

Not just a toy, this is the "Action Jackson" special

I always wanted.

Hey, look!

It's bikini beach Betty!

Hey, she got a wig!

I waited 12 years for this?

Man, shoo.

Oh, bless my soul.

- It's a Christmas miracle. - What is it?

What-what-what..

(Dee) Uh, what..

I mean, my dolomite decoder ring.

(Dee) 'Oh!'

And it fits!

Santa, you are the man!

- He the man. - Oh..

Oh, my God!

My God, my God!

A Susan Lucci locket.

With a picture of Antonio Banderas in it.

- Oh, no, he didn't! - Will you stop?

Give it, give it, give it.

F-9-17.

Tricks better have my money.

It works! It-it works!

What'd you get, pop?

Well, just a lump of my fruitcake.

That's worse than a lump of coal.

No, I'm the luckiest one of all.

My Christmas wish was granted.

I wanted to spend the holidays with my sons!

- Aw.. - Hey.

Maybe he really is Santa.

Oh, come on, Dee.

Just 'cause some big fat white man came along

and gave us a bunch of Christmas gifts

and filled us up with holiday cheer

don't mean he's the real Santa Claus.

Anyway, where's his sleigh?

(Santa) 'Whoa, Dancer!'

'Easy does it, Prancer.'

'On, Donner. On, Blitzen.'

'Rudolph, do your stuff!'

Hey!

(Santa) 'Merry Christmas to all'

'and to all a good night!'

Hey, Santa!

Watch out for the top of the Chrysler building.

[thud]

(Santa) 'Oops! My bad.'

[cheering]

♪ A dolomite decoder ring ♪

♪ An Action Jackson pistol ♪

♪ Bikini beach Betty ♪

♪ A Susan Lucci locket ♪

♪ And a sad tutti-frutti fruitcake ♪♪

(all) Whoa!

Shut up.

From all of us on "The Wayans Brothers"

to you and yours.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

And a Happy New Year.

- Peace out. -Voila!

(Shawn) Look out, Marlon. Say cheese.