Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) 'Oh-h!'

- Oh! - Oh.

Shawn, are you still upset about Lisa?

[sobbing] No!

Shawn, look, man, don't feel bad. Everybody gets dumped.

Hey! I was not dumped.

She said it wasn't workin' out.

She said she didn't wanna see me anymore.

And she said she didn't wanna speak to me again.

AndI

It was a mutual thing.

Look, Shawn..

...I know you're not as good-lookin' as me, a'ight?

But I'm tellin' you

there's tons of girls that wanna be with you. Tons!

I mean, there's Bertha and Edda.

That's two tons right there.

[both laughing]

- Two tons are fun, bro. - Yeah.

That's funny. That's pretty funny.

You know what, you're right, kid.

I mean, I can get plenty of women.

You know, later for Lisa.

I could have a different girl

up in here every other night.

That's what I'm tryin' to say, black.

Sure. I'm a man!

Brother's got to roam. You know what I'm sayin'.

Roam around. What's out there? What's out there?

What'd I see, what'd I see!

That's what I'm sayin', you can't cage a jungle cat, baby.

[growls]

That's right, Simba. Come on!

- Let's go, Simba. - Where to?

We're gonna take us to fire dancin' to the China Club.

- Oh, I can't go. - Why not?

[sobbing] Tha-that's where Lisa dumped me.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin'♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys!'

'Dynamite! That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

(Marlon) 'Yo, kid, why don't you come to the club with me tonight?'

Nah, kid, I ain't in the mood.

Look, Shawn, you gotta get over Lisa, man.

Look at me. I let no woman play me.

You know what I'm sayin', I come strong with mine, kid.

- Hello, Marlon. - Hi!

Hello, Mrs. Hallmark. How are things at the card shop?

Peachy keen, paper boy.

Matching cards to their envelopes is so challenging.

Thank God, I went for that double-major.

So, what are you doin' out here?

Looking for something to read

that doesn't rhyme.

You know, trying to expand my mind.

With "Cosmo?"

Millions of women read "Cosmo."

Perhaps, if you had familiarized yourself with it

you wouldn't have gotten dumped.

Hss. Oh!

Hey, I did not get dumped!

Uh-huh! It was mutual?

[laughing]

And I'm on Slimfast.

[laughing]

Word on the street is Lisa moved in

with a rich lawyer on Park Avenue.

He owns his own firm, speaks three languages

and is an Olympic gold medalist.

- Anything else? - There's talk of a Ferrari.

But nothing's confirmed.

- You got yesterday's paper? - What for, pop?

Well, if the customer don't realize they're reading

yesterday's news, they won't realize they're drinking

yesterday's coffee.

[both laughing]

That was a joke. Where's your sense of humor?

Uh, Lisa took it, along with his pride and his dignity

and all his hair care products.

Damn, my last jar of Ultra Sheen.

Look, son.

Remember when you got cut from the baseball team in junior high

and you come home, you were cryin' your eyes out?

Remember what I told you?

Never to share my jockstrap with anyone?

No, I said, "Suck it up, son, and try again next year."

- Oh, yeah. - And you did that.

And you made Varsity.

You just remember this, just because you get dropped

from a team, doesn't mean you have to change the sport.

Wait a minute.

You're not thinkin' about changin' the sport, are you?

You mean, givin' up baseball? Oh, no.

Oh,hell no!

- No, no. - There you go.

Hey, Marlon, what you and pops don't understand is..

...how fine this girl is.

You know, I think it's time for me

to give off the bench and get back into the game.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You better mess with the little leagues

before you try and mess with the majors.

That girl make Lisa look like LaWanda Page.

What are you tryin' to say? I can't get her number?

Basically, yeah!

You're gonna sleep on the kid like that.

[snores]

This ought to wake you up, I got 20 bucks

that says I can get her number.

You got a deal, baby. Twenty, what's up?

Make it happen, baby.

Watch it..

Hey, beautiful. Can I help you?

I was just straightening up your magazine rack.

Your "Avenue's" mixed in with your "People" magazine.

Oh, for a minute there, I thought you were

the magazine police.

I'm sorry, but I just really like things in their place.

Oh, well, your place or mine?

[laughing]

You know, I love a man who can make me laugh.

[laughing] Really?

[both laughing]

Oh!

I'm Rachel, by the way.

I'm Shawn.

Shawn.

You know, Rachel, I've been thinking about gettin'

a little somethin' to nibble on.

- You mean lunch? - That too.

[laughing]

Would you like to join me?

I'd love to.

Let's go to Pops. I happen to know the owner.

So, what's a fine lady like yourself doin' si..

Oh, hang on a second, I've to make a quick stop

at the ATM machine.

- Unless you're gonna treat? - Ha ha, you're funny.

[chuckles]

Thank you.

What a vision, a beauty.

[chuckles] Oh, thank you for noticing, Reggie.

Who wouldn't notice? That Shawn is one lucky man.

Oh, her? She's okay. I suppose.

If you go for that drop dead gorgeous model type.

[both laughing]

Do Denzel again.

Yeah.

Why don't we go back to my place

and I'll let you polish my Oscar.

Or better yet, maybe I'll let you get undressed and spank me

like they did in "Glory."

Oh, you're so crazy.

[chuckling] Cukoo-cukoo.

Here you go. Cupcakes is on the house.

I see where your son gets his charming good looks.

You know, if I wasn't be old enough to be your daddy..

...I'd be your daddy.

[laughing]

Whoo-pee-pee.

[chuckles]

Well, you just can't wait, can you, you little freak?

[chuckles]

- You missed a button. - Oh, come on, girl.

You know you want to feel all up on my pectorials.

[both chuckling]

That's true, but you know what

I think a handsome man should always look neat.

My last boyfriend turned out to be a slob.

I hate that.

[chuckles ] Me too.

Lucky for me my little brother got the slob gene.

[both laughing]

Uh, is that better?

A-actually, you made things..

...more better.

Uhh, I have to go.

I have a 2 o'clock appointment. You have my card.

- You'll call me later? - Sure will.

- Okay. - Bye, sweetie.

Have a mighty fine day.

(in unison) Ooh, whoo!

Help me, please.

[instrumental music]

Oh, cheer up, Marlon.

Oh, I'm just mad 'cause Shawn left me hangin' again.

You know, I had to open up by myself this mornin'.

Yeah, the poor sap. That's what love will get you.

Screws up your work, screws up your friendships

and totally screws up your sex life.

Yeah, give me a boilermaker

and a Mickey Spillane novel any night.

Freaky little thing. Ain't you, Lou?

Where is Shawn?

He's out with Rachel again.

Not like him to miss work.

Pop, I know, ever since he's been hangin'

with little Miss Rachel, he hasn't been home

once in the last two weeks.

Not once in two weeks?

- Not once. - You're lyin'.

No, I ain't lyin'. You need to talk to him.

- I'm gonna talk to him. - Alright!

Ooh, you're in trouble.

Get him, pop!

So, I understand your new lady

is keepin' you out late at night.

(Marlon) 'Mm-hmm.'

Yeah, pops, you know how it is.

I sure do, you're a devil. You..

[both laughing]

Full house! Jump off the old block.

- Oh, she's pretty.. - She is? Oh-h!

[both chuckling]

Pop, pop, pop!

Pop, what about the newsstand?

That's right. Get back to work.

And she said to tell you, she thinks you're cute.

The truth is delight.

- Hey, what's up, kid? - Work is what's up.

You got your behind here in time, you know that.

Oh, well, I won't be late anymore.

Bam!

Holy snap! A Movado?

- Who did you rob? - Nobody.

I just happen to have a very generous girlfriend.

That girl got you a Movado?

So, you sold me out for a stupid watch, huh?

That's cold. That's really cold.

You think I'd sell my brother my baby brother out for a watch?

If I did it'd be for one just like this.

Ha ha ha. It's not funny.

You're foul, kid.

What's the matter with you, man? Wha-what can I do to make it up?

Alright, how about we shoot pool tonight? Just me and you?

What am I, like, some kind of dog?

You just come around and snap your fingers

and I come runnin' like a little lackey?

- I don't think so. - I'll buy you an icy.

Okay!

[both laughing]

Shawn, sweetheart.

Remember, you're hangin' with me tonight.

Don't fall off for that booby trap.

Hey, I got it.

I got this relationship under control, remember.

They don't call me the player for nothin'.

Who called you the player?

Just watch. Just watch, get it, watch.

- Hey, what's up, baby? - Hey, baby.

You left so early this morning I forgot to tell you

that we're gonna have a romantic picnic

followed by a carriage ride through Central Park.

Um...that sounds beautiful, baby

but...I've already made plans with Marlon.

I-I can't go.

[laughing]

That is so cute.

But seriously I'll pick you up around 8 o'clock.

Hey, player..

...better handle your business.

Uh.. Rachel...I'm serious.

I made plans with Marlon already.

Um, I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Oh, really?

Make it 7:30.

Hold on, I'll walk you to your office.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Marlon, where is the starch?

Now, since when you started ironin'?

What, wrinkles are too good for the weave queen?

I like to look good, okay?

And for your information

that's not a weave.

She got Indian in her family.

You're just jealous 'cause our kids are gonna come out

with that good hair.

Yeah, well, you tell Pocahontas to go back to her wigwam.

[knock on door]

That's the damn weave. I see we're starting to begin.

All that nappy kitchen out back there.

Hey-o, kemosabe.

Listen there, you can't just be comin' up in here

and bargin' in without announcin' yourself.

I don't need permission to come into my man's house.

- Where's the mustard? - Aye, damn the mustard, Geno!

Damn the mustard, a'ight?

Look here, your man ain't gonna tolerate

you bargin' up in here like that.

Hey, baby, I thought I heard you out here.

Marlon, why didn't you tell me Rachel was here?

What do I look like? Mr. Belvedere?

I'll be ready in a minute, brown sugar.

Take your time, chocolate pudding.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mm-mm-mm.

Oh, is there a barf bag in here somewhere?

Listen, let's get something straight, alright?

I'm a third-degree Black belt.

A kick-boxing champ, I could really hurt you.

Aww! Look at you two.

I'm so happy you guys are gettin' along.

Baby, what shirt should I wear?

Uh...the brown one.

- Don't you think? - Yes, the brown one.

Okay, don't hurt me, all cool, all cool

all cool, good here, please.

Listen, anyone who comes between me and my man

will feel the wrath of Rachel.

[thunder rumbling]

Damn, you're good!

Alright, baby, I'm all ready to go.

[chuckles ] Okay.

I think everything's straightened out here.

I put mustard on your sandwiches.

- Just the way you like it. - Aww!

Well, thank you, baby, you know me so well.

You must have ESPN.

[chuckling]

Goodnight, Marlon.

Shake this party.

Don't wait up.

[whimpers]

What, you think you can scare somebody?

What you wanna do, girl?

What you wanna do, huh? What you wanna do?

What you wanna, huh? Girl, I will-I will not be..

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

I'm telling you guys. This girl's a psycho.

She makes Norman Bates look like Mr. Rogers.

Don't be dissin' my sweet Rachel. That girl is an angel.

- Pops, she kicked my butt. - So?

Your mama kicks mine.

After a while a man grow to like it.

Y'all, this is whack, man.

Why can't he just see through Rachel?

I mean, most of the time Shawn's the smart one.

And I don't get it.

Now, he's gettin' it..

...and he ain't gettin' it.

I don't get it.

It's obviously a classic case of reboundzitis.

Don't they got ointment for that?

No, it's a state of mind.

The dumpie will go for the first pair of available arms

like maggots to cow flop.

It's a part of nature. Grow up.

Anyway, I'm telling y'all, my brother's in trouble.

He won't listen to what I gotta say. You know, what though?

if we all tell him together he'd have to listen to us.

How can he understand if we're all talking at the same time?

He means like an intervention, Reggie.

We go,en masse to face the horrible truth.

Yeah, tell him that his knockout is a nutcase.

We got to save him. Are we on? Come on.

- One for all and all for one! - Yes!

- Come on, guys! - I hate her and her Wonderbra.

- Come on, let's go! - Hold on, let me pay for lunch.

- Ha ha ha! - That's the spirit, you guys!

Ready? Come on!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Shawn...we got somethin' to tell you

and you better listen to what we all gotta say.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, it sure as hell better not be

about Rachel.

Oh!

Hey, where you guys goin'?

You know y'all punks owe me for them damn sandwiches.

(Marlon) 'Besides, I'm tellin' you'

this girl's one can short of a six pack.

Marlon, for the last time, back off, okay?

Rachel's the sweetest girl I've ever met.

Alright, Michael Douglas thought Glenn Close was sweet

until she fricasseed his rabbit.

Look, if you don't have nothin' nice to say about Rachel

just don't say anything at all.

Cool.

- Hey, guys, come on in. - I ain't got nothin' to say.

Ah-ah!

Wipe your feet.

- What are you doin' here? - I'm cooking you dinner.

No, no, no, no. Let me rephrase that.

What are you doin' in my house?

Haven't you heard breaking and entering is against the law?

Yes. And that's why I had this key made?

She had keys made.

How enterprising!

[thud]

And she slices and dices too.

- And what the hell is this? - Oh, that's a new sofa.

And she decorates!

[groans] Darn you.

Hello?

I got rid of the old one. It was too hard.

That 'cause Marlon's bed was in it.

I know.

Hey, look, Rachel, I appreciate everything

you've been doin' for me, but we gotta slow this down.

Slow down?

I'm sorry, honey.

I've spent too much time searching for the perfect man

and now that I've found him... I'm not about to let you go.

That's why I had this made.

"Shawn and Rachel.

Till death?"

Aww! How romantic!

Till death!

Uh, Marlon, let's-let's go get washed up for dinner.

Yo, man, you're right! That girl is "Tales From The Darkside."

That's what I've been tryin' to tell you.

Welcome back from Bonerville.

So, what're we supposed to do now?

Well, first, we have to change for dinner.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Ah! what a beautiful table setting.

- So elegant. - Isn't this nice?

- It's so quiet and romantic! - Mm-hmm.

Yo, Marlon, come in!

Alright, hold on. Let me just finish with that tooth.

Oh! That's disgusting!

Oh, calm down, it's only corn.

Here.

- Hmm. You want some? - No!

Sure?

Alright, let's eat, man.

Alright, we gotta say our prayers.

- Thank you. - Over.

Whoo! Uh, pass me some salad, please.

- Oh, sure. There you go. - Thank you. Thanks.

Rachel, sit down Eat before all the food is gone.

Shawn, what is going on here?

Where is this charming, suave guy

that I met at the newsstand?

I'm right here.

And I figured since we're gonna spend

the rest of our lives together..

...I might as well show you the real me.

I can't believe she fell for that.

[both laughing]

I don't find this behavior acceptable.

Oh, girl, calm down. Don't get your panties all in a bunch.

Hmm.

But I've got us a fabulous wine. Chateauneuf du Pape, 1968.

Oh, well, we have the soda-du-pah.

Nineteen-ninety-five.

Ah!

Agh!

[belching]

- You call that a belch? - What, you-you could do better?

Oh, boy, come on, I'm the belch king of New York.

Oh, come on now.

- Hm. Hm. - Hm. Hm.

[belching]

Shawn.

- Please. - Is that a challenge?

Oh, boy, I got $20.

- Oh, I got $40. - I got $60, plus my watch.

The Movado I gave you?

Relax, girl, I got this under control.

You got a deal.

Shh!

Silence, please.

[belching]

- Bravo, bravo! - Thank you.

- Bravo! - Thank you.

- Don't be rude, girl. - Thank you.

Thank you, I'll be here all week, thank you.

- Thank you. Watch, please. - Don't you dare.

That watch is a symbol of our love

and you're gonna throw it away on a belch?

[belching] Yep.

- Alright, now. Watch, please. - You're not getting anything.

I'm so happy I found out about you.

I am out of here and I am never coming back,ever.

- Oh, here-- - I'll send for my things.

Oh, here, before you go. Take some food with you. Mmm.

No, baby, please. Rachel, please. Rach..

I hope you reconsider.

You know, and to think.

I was gonna give you the keys

to my brand new Lexus.

[screaming]

Yes, baby! Oh, yes!

She's gone, kid. She's out of our life.

Lexus?

Rachel, don't go!

Hold!

Rachel, wait, wait! Please, Rachel, don't go.

I'll do Denzel as many time as you want.

[yapping]

Oh, come on, Rachel! What happened to "Till death?"

She parted.

- 'I wanna make a pact.' - 'Alright.'

From now on, we ain't gonna ever let

another girl come between us.

- Bet? - Alright, bet!

Oh.

Hi, how are you? What can I help you with today?

Do you carry "Architectural Digest?"

Uh, for you? Yes, we do. Let me...check.

As a matter of fact, I have a copy right over..

Hey!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."