Original subtitles

- Yeah! Yeah! - No! No!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some of that!

- Damn. - Yeah, boy.

Kind of stinks without Jordan.

- Yo, this is mine. - Get outta here.

Marlon, this is my..

It's not funny.

Alright.

Ah-choo!

Yo, man, that's not fair.

Want to split it?

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high-five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful guys.'

'Dynamite that is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

(Shawn) 'These infomercials are the biggest rip-offs in the world.'

Yes, I'd like to order two tubes

of "Plums on a Hill" lipstick.

Lisa, what are you doing?

I'm orderin' two tubes of "Plums on a Hill" lipstick.

No. They charge you $10 for some lipstick

that only costs 42 cents.

- So? - So..

That's highway robbery.

Nobody should be able to make that much money..

...except me.

Damn! I wish I had something to sell on an infomercial.

I'll get paid.

But you don't, Shawn, and they do.

Besides, I want to have lips like Whitney Houston.

Wouldn't you like that?

No, I'm not kissing anything

that touches Bobby Brown's tongue.

Besides I like your lips the way they are.

[door opens]

[crying]

Don't mind me.

You guys just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm only doing this for attention.

Hey, hey, hey. Alright!

What do you want?

Nothing.

Oh, just say it, Marlon.

Alright, since you asked.

Tonight, I went to a club with my boys

Bentley and Kevin, right.

Kevin got in..

...then Bentley got in..

...and then I didn't get in.

And do you know why?

Because you're loser?

No.

Because the bouncer said he didn't like my hair.

[laughs]

Your hair?

[laughs]

What you laughin' at?

At least my hair is real.

So is mine.

What? Real horse or real goat?

- I got your goat. - Oh, you abad

Alright, alright, alright.

Okay, alright now, y'all stop. Alright?

Marlon, I'mma help you to fix your hair. Come on.

Hey. Stop being so rough.

Who do you think you are, Tupac?

Baby, I'll be right back.

It's okay, Shawn.

Take your time.

Yes, I'd like to order two tubes

of "Plums on a Hill" lipstick.

That'll be on my visa.

The name is Shawn Williams.

5-2-0-6-0-1..

[instrumental music]

- Not a nickel. - Get..

- Get away from me. - Oh, but, Pops..

An infomercial is the perfect plan.

See, all we need is to get a celebrity.

Then they go on TV and they make us rich.

All I need is $600.

Six hundred dollars? Man, have you lost your mind?

With $600 I can get your mama an operation.

Put those breasts back up where I can see them.

But, Pops, for $600, I can get us a half-hour show

on public-access TV.

Public access?

You mean like that naked channel?

Yeah!

And they got some good shows on there.

That naked talk show host Robin Byrd. Whoo!

She's one sassy little mama.

I'll remember that.

I'd like to put some hot sauce on her.

So, what do you say, Pop, huh? Will you give me the money?

Ask for my wooden arm, son, you can get that quicker.

But, Pops, you don't have a wooden arm.

Brains ain't your strong suit, is it boy?

Marlon, now, if you're late again

I'mma whoop you like that boy in Singapore.

What the hell happened to your hair?

'Look like Don Cornelius died on your head.'

See, Pops? That's what I'm talking about.

That's his new pomade.

See, after he got thrown out of the club last night

he went home, mixed up some of that stuff..

And bam! It was move over, Little Richard.

There's a new perm in town.

Whoo!

I'd tell you, Pop, before I knew it

I was getting into clubs.

I was cashing checks, catching cabs.

Pop, I felt just like a white dude.

In that case, Mr. White boy

go down to the bank and get me a loan.

Pop, I'm telling you, this stuff works.

It works so good

I got my boys Bentley and Kevin some..

And look at them over there, macking.

(Pops) 'Would you look at that big-haired boy'

'over there macking with those pretty girls.'

Lookin' like two macaronis.

Macaronis!

See, Pops? If it worked for "The Lion King"..

...imagine how much money we can make.

We could makemillions.

Millions?

Millions.

- Ya-ta-dee! - You-dee, huh, huh.

Let me get my checkbook.

Thanks, Pop, you won't be sorry.

What are y'all talking about?

Marlon, we're gonna sell your pomade on TV.

- I'm gonna be on TV? - Yes.

Hello, out there in TV land.

See, now all we need is a catchy name.

Something that everybody's going to remember.

Ooh. How about the clapper?

No. What about hair--

Ball.

- No, no, no. Hair-- - Riet Tubman.

No, no, no. Alright, I got it, I got it.

- I think it's hair.. - Maphrodite.

I got it. I got it.

Hair...come the judge.

♪ Hair come the judge ♪

♪ Hair come the judge ♪♪

You better get outtahair

with those stupid suggestions.

- I got it. - What?

What about..

"Goop, Hair It Is."

- Hey. - Hey, I like that.

♪ Goop, hair it is ♪

Alright.

♪ Goop, hair it is ♪

♪ We gonna make some millions ♪

♪ Goop, hair it is ♪

Alright!

♪ We gonna make some millions ♪

♪ Goop, hair it is ♪

Go, Pop!

♪ Goop, hair it is ♪♪

Alright!

Please, Latoya, it's just an infomercial.

What do you mean degraded?

You posed butt-naked with a snake.

Aw, I..

[sniffling]

Don't cry, Lisa. Don't worry, we'll get a celebrity. Watch.

I'm not crying because of that.

I'm crying because this stuff is burning my eyes.

Shawn, it stinks.

Yeah, well, they can't smell it over the TV.

[whimpering]

Hey, y'all, look who I got.

It's Garrett Morris.

Garrett Morris?

I thought it was Ben Vereen.

Get off of me. Who are you people?

- Please don't hurt me. - Don't worry.

- We're not gonna shoot you. - Okay.

We want you to work with us, Mr. Morris.

Doing what?

- Hi. - Oh. Hey, look, man.

I don't do pornos...anymore.

This is nothing like that.

Didn't Marlon tell you, what we want?

Hell, no, man, I was mindin' my own business

comin' out of my apartment, on my way to the dentist.

Next thing I knew this freak jumps outta the bushes

puts this pillow case over my head

and then starts dragging me down Ninth Avenue by my legs.

Well, it wasn't easy.

He's heavier than he looks

and you scream like a girl.

[screams]

Hell, yeah, the screaming reminds me..

When he dropped that pillow case on me

man it was Mississippi, 1961, all over again.

Whoo.

Man, I'll never forget that night.

Running naked through the swamps

the sound of them dogs yapping at my heels.

- Lynch mob? - No, man.

An ex-girlfriend and her ugly mother.

Well, this is nothin' like that, Mr. Morris.

See, we're producing an infomercial.

- An infomercial? - Yeah. And we're desperate.

I mean, every celebrity worth a damn turned us down.

That's why we want you.

What my brother means is

you are our first choice, Mr. Morris.

No, he wasn't, Shawn.

- Ben Vereen was our first-- - Shh!

Now, look, Mr. Morris, this is what we want you to do.

- Grab some of this. - Uh-huh.

Smile into the camera, and say..

Goop, Hair It Is..

...has been bery, bery good to me.

No. No, no, hey, I'm sorry, man.

I don't do commercials.

Well, what if we let you sing opera?

I'm sorry, man. I have integrity.

What are you talking about, integrity?

You played Sporty James on "Hunter."

I don't care. I'm not doin' it.

Well, get your old behind out of here.

Come on, get out.

Get outta here.

Great, now we're booked at a cable station

and we have no celebrity.

Well, I guess we could always usehim.

- Who? - Is he still here?

- Who? - He's been here all morning.

- Why don't he just leave? - Who?

Look, guys, we're desperate, okay?

Nobody else is gonna do this. We might as well use him.

I don't care.

Alright, you can come out now.

Shawn, Marlon.

Wow! This Goop, Hair It Is sure makes my scalp tingle.

Emmanuel Lewis.

[screams]

Come on now!

Drop it!

Put it down, Come on, calm down.

- Gary Coleman. - Who?

Lisa, please. Gary Coleman.

He's sensitive.

Hey, Gary babes, sweetheart.

What's going on, little guy, huh?

Aye, we've been doing a lot of thinking.

And we decided we want you to be our man.

We want you to endorse our Goop.

Excellent. Count me in.

- Alright. - Have a seat.

Cross your legs.

Now, fellas, I don't work cheap.

I know, I know.

And your parents get 90 percent of your check, right?

Well, actually, I cut 'em back to 85.

Smart move.

[instrumental music]

That's Goop!

(together) Hair it is!

And cut.

Good, one more rehearsal.

Wonderful, boys, wonderful.

That was so wonderful. Wonderful. Those are my boys.

Yeah, yeah. You got the 600 bucks?

There you go, 600 sweet dollar bills.

I happen to be the executive producer

of this little production.

And look over there, it's Gary Coleman.

Uh-huh.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Where are the dressing rooms?

The utility closet's in back.

Just don't pee in the sink.

Uh, yo, my man.

Uh.. the lights keep drying the Goop right out of my hair.

So do me a favor, when we start filming

could you just, like, you know, dim the lights down a little?

[chuckling]

He wants us to change the lights.

[guffawing]

Hey, Shawn, let's just put the Goop on extra thick.

That's a good idea.

Eew. What's in this stuff? It really smells.

Ha ha.

[indistinct]

Ancient African secret.

Let's just rehearse it again, one more time.

Hey, Gary, man, I'm nervous.

Hey, don't worry. This is television.

If you make a mistake, you can always do it again.

Not unless you got another 600 bucks. This is live TV, pal.

- Live? - Live?

[instrumental music]

Five, four, three, two..

[applause]

Hi, peoples.

I'm Shawn Williams..

and today I'm wearing a sensational new product

called "Goop, Hair It Is."

[audience cheering]

But don't just take my word for it

'cause that would be plain ol' ignorant.

Take a look at your monitors.

Oh, gee, golly, woe!

I sure hope I can get into this club tonight.

- Hey, how you doing? - Just, go on in there.

Hey. You can't come into the club.

Why not, Mr. Bouncer man?

Because of your funked-up hair.

My hair?

Oh, dag!

What on earth shall I do?

'Scuse me, y'all. A real player's coming through.

Whoo! Hey buddy!

- Hey, brother. - Hey, how you doing?

You looking good. Come on in.

Say, brother.

Could I be using just a smidgen of that?

No, my brother.

You gots to get your own.

[bell dings]

Hey, look at you.

Come on in.

Thanks, Goop, Hair It Is.

[audience cheering]

Are those results, or what?

Amazing!

But, ladies and gentlemen

Goop, Hair It Is can do even more.

Watch your monitors.

(Marlon) This was me a few days ago.

I couldn't walk

and they wouldn't let me play basketball.

Hey, guys. Can I play?

(together) No, you can't!

I'll show them.

Yah!

Thanks, Goop, Hair It Is.

[audience cheering]

Is that a miracle product, or what?

And now, ladies and gentlemen

the moment we all been waiting for.

You're about to meet the man

who invented Goop, Hair It Is.

Hair inventor and GED recipient himself..

Give it up for Mr. Marlon Williams!

[audience cheering]

[applause continues]

- How you doing, Shawn? - How you doing, Marlon?

Hello out there in TV land.

Hey.

How you doing, brother? Get some Goop. Alright.

[laughs]

Oh, man. Well, Marlon..

Goop, Hair It Is sure is a sensational new product.

- Isn't it? - It sure is, Shawn.

But don't just take my word for it.

(together) 'Cause that would be plain ol' ignorant.

Take the word of a celebrated actor.

Ah! You mean we have one here?

Yes, we do, Shawn.

Star of screen, stage, television.

And high scorer at every arcade in town

please, give a warm welcome for Mr. Gary Coleman.

[audience cheering]

- How you doing? - How you doing?

How you doing, fine?

Well, I know a huge superstar like yourself is very busy

but what brings you here today, Gary Colemans?

Well, fellas, I just had to come by today

and tell all my fans about Goop, Hair It Is.

[audience clapping]

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

Well, now, I'm gonna get personal on you.

How did Goop, Hair It Is

change your life, Gary Colemans?

Before Goop

I couldn't get a job.

- No! - No!

But now look at me.

I'm the star of my own action-adventure picture

"The Man with the Tiny Gun."

(together) Isn't that amazing?

Well, let's take a look at our monitors.

[instrumental music]

The name's Coleman..

...Gary Coleman.

[gunshots]

[woman screams] 'Ah! My foot!'

(together) 'Isn't that amazing?'

You see the power of the Goop?

Not only does it revive your hair

but it revives your career.

(Shawn) 'Alright!'

We must be out of our mind.

'Cause today we're selling Goop, Hair It Is

for the low, low price of just $60 a jar.

[audience cheering]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Fellas, couldn't we give people a discount just for today only?

Well, Gary, that's none of your business.

But, since I loved your movie

I'mma take your advice.

We're gonna cut these prices from $60 a jar..

...to the low, low price of..

(together) Fifty nine, ninety nine.

[audience clapping]

Whoo!

[audience cheering]

Shawn..

Shut up.

Is it hot in here?

- No! - No!

I smell rubber burning.

- No, you don't! - No, you don't!

And remember, ladies and gentlemen

the name is "Goop, Hair It Is."

And the number's 5-5-5-GOOP!

Marlon, what the hell is in this stuff?

The lights are starting to burn it.

Nothing. It's just Vaseline, Bacon fat, and Drano.

Drano?

There's lye in Drano.

My hair! My hair!

Look at how soft and silky it is.

My hair.. It's burning!

My hair!

My man, his hair's on fire! Help!

Give me some water or something!

Hey, come on, I'm on lunch, huh?

Marlon, do something! His hair's on fire!

Okay. Hey, Gary.

(Shawn) 'Now, look at that, they're fighting over the Goop.'

Look how crazy this is.

'He's possessed by Goop, Hair It Is-demon.'

- And remember, y'all.. - Aah!

We're...coming to you live.

Hey, hey, hey!

Get up here, you baby, I'm not paying $600

for you roll on the carpet.

- Aah! - Aah!

- Your hair's on fire! - Your hair's on fire!

[screams]

(Pops) Back off, little fella. You on fire.

And the number is 5-5-5-GOOP.

'Hey, get off you little..'

'Tell them we got a fire sale.'

A fire sale, ain't that funny? Ha ha. A fire sale.

Call before your parents stop you. 5-5-5-GOOP.

Somebody buy some. I'm gonna buy some. Somebody buy some.

It's good for your grandma, your preacher

Your-your-your neighbors..

[instrumental music]

[groaning]

Oh, look at your poor patchy little blistered heads.

That must hurt so much.

Not as much as when Pop beat us.

I can't believe he beat a burning man.

It just don't seem right.

I feel sorry for Gary Coleman. I think you killed him.

Hey, I had to put that fire out somehow.

Yeah, but you didn't have to stomp on him.

(Pops) 'Hey, scabheads.'

Break's over.

Until I'm paid back

you two are gonna clean that damn kitchen

every weekend for the next 20 years.

Twenty years? Hey, we only owe you $600.

Yes, how much you payin' us an hour?

A nickel more than I'm payin' Hop Sing, and he's happy.

Right, Hop Sing?

[indistinct muttering]

Well, the truth is, Pops, we only lost $540.01.

How did that happen?

Someone actually bought a jar.

What stupid-ass fool was dumb enough

to buy a jar of that stuff?

I am gonna kill you.

[screams]

Wasn't that Ben Vereen?

Have some more coffee.

[instrumental music]

When I was asked to play this role

I didn't think I had it in me

but after a humbling personal tragedy

I did change my mind.

I guess I was just born to star in..

"Richard Pryor, the Day My Crack Pipe Exploded."

I wanna thank everyone in the film

everyone that had something to do with the film.

It was a wonderful experience.

Thank you.

Thank you and goodnight.

Goodnight.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese!