Original subtitles

(Kirby) Every four years, the Olympics brings us

inspirational athletes of every shape and size.

Like Olympic torchbearer Sprint Phillips here.

He's one of the best young athletes in the state.

He goes from school to school motivating kids to chase their dreams.

Why would anyone not like a kid like that?

(applauding)

I don't know. I mean...

he's good, but I don't think he's all that great.

You're jealous of how inspirational Sprint Phillips is, aren't you?

Ha! What? No way!

And besides, I'm at least as inspirational as him.

-Pfft! -Here. Just watch.

Hey, Sprint! Feed me the rock!

Oh!

Ahh!

Oww, my face!

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(camera shutter)

So, where's the principal's office?

Okay, sweet, thanks!

I don't get it.

-If you're so jealous of Sprint... -Which I'm not.

...then why'd you volunteer to host him at your house while he's in town?

Because of this.

Since everyone's so into the Olympics

right now, I call him

"The Clutch,"

because he always performs best under pressure.

Clutch time!

(fanfare)

Don't wanna pull a hammy.

-(knuckles crack) -Time to pop the clutch!

Haa!

You lose!

(chuckles)

Anyhow, since everyone

seems to like this kid so much...

Because he's a great athlete

and an inspiration to all of us...

I figure maybe, if I get him to wear this t-shirt,

I'll get a whole bunch more fans for Kirblammo.

What?

Kirby, Sprint Phillips is here to take part

in the Olympic torch relay...

AKA, the greatest sport known to man.

I'm pretty sure torch-bearing isn't technically a sport.

I'm pretty sure

it's technically the only sport, Kirby.

Technically, the original sport.

When our ancient caveman ancestors discovered fire,

they had to figure out a way to carry it from cave to cave,

so we could exist today.

And they did that with a torch, Kirby.

A torch they passed.

That still doesn't explain how it's a sport.

How is football a sport, huh?

What about bowling?

How is anything a sport?

Kirby, you have one of the greatest athletes in the world

staying at your house.

And you want to cheapen that with a terrible, tacky, terrible t-shirt?

How dare you?

Guys, relax, it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, it most certainly is a big deal.

As you know, we had to bus Sprint in from out of town,

because our own athletes are so terrible.

And if anything were to happen to him,

we would be forced to go with our back-up torch bearer...

Jean-Luc.

(whimsical music playing)

I don't need to tell you how horrifying that would be.

Not because he's French, but because he's Jean-Luc.

Don't worry, Principal Mitchell. Sprint's in good hands.

He'd better be.

Normally, I would never trust you with something so important,

but your family is the only one in town with an air mattress.

As you know, I broke mine attempting to dunk a basketball.

USA! USA! US...

Would you stop that? You sound insane.

Sorry. But you know how excited I get about the summer games.

Plus... my spirit suit still fits!

Can't believe it's been four years!

Which is more than enough time for you to realize

it's time to retire the outfit.

Yet here we are.

You can't knock me off this high, Dawn.

I love this country! And... and...

Stop!

I knew it!

I finally did it, Belinda!

I have been tracking Gabe Michael's t-shirt rotations

for months now. And if my calculations are correct,

he should be wearing this t-shirt tomorrow.

And when he sees us wearing the same t-shirt,

he'll realize that we were meant to be together.

Can't you see, Belinda? This is how love happens.

By tricking people?

Yes! By tricking people.

Aw, man. Outta milk!

Looks like it's Clutch time!

So, what do you say? Will you wear a t-shirt for my web channel

at the ceremony tomorrow?

We're so sorry about this, Sprint.

Our friend's just never been around a bonafide torchbearer before.

(fake laughs) So embarrassing!

So, I'm curious. What kind of grip are you gonna use?

Western grip? Continental? The East Does It?

How heavy is your practice torch?

Would you say you bear the torch or the torch bears you?

If wearing a t-shirt is gonna help you pursue your dreams,

then I'm all in!

Aw, dude, thanks! We gotta celebrate!

Let's buy some pizza, bust out some video games...

Oh, sorry, Kirby. I can't do any of that.

I need to focus on my training.

Torch bearing takes an incredible amount of training, Kirby.

Like you'd expect from the original sport.

Oh, no. I'm training for the decathlon.

I don't really consider torch bearing a sport.

Anyway... I should probably hit the air mattress.

Sports don't leave a lot of time for fun.

Believe it or not, this is actually my first sleepover.

Seriously? Then we gotta have some fun.

(deflates mattress)

What are you doing? It's the only air mattress in town.

Sorry... but we're not getting any sleep

until we show you the best night of your life.

I guess a little fun couldn't hurt.

-(all shouting) -(video game noises)

I use this one for running.

Whoa!

Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it.

You gotta kinda show it off, show it off, come on.

-Yeah! -Good angle, good angle!

-Yeah! -Let's go!

(video game noises)

Sprint?

Sprint!

Have you guys seen Sprint?

(cell phone buzzes)

Kirby? You were right!

There is so much more to life than sports!

I have to see what else is out there!

I'm gonna get punched in the stomach! I'm gonna wrestle a bear!

I'm going to eat a bear!

I'm so alive! Oh, and thanks for the shirt.

I hope you don't mind. I grabbed it on my way out.

It does really make me look more athletic.

You know, it's funny, because it's smaller than my real six-pack.

(dial tone)

Okay, the torch passing is in a couple of hours,

but I'm sure he will be fine,

and if he isn't everyone will understand.

How dare you?

Yup, I'm dead.

If we don't find Sprint soon, that's gonna be our torch bearer.

(whimsical music playing)

I can't look! I just can't!

Look... Sprint could be anywhere by now.

What are we gonna do?

I'm not feeling the pressure yet, kid.

Let me know when it's Clutch time.

You just had to ask him to wear that terrible shirt.

This isn't about the shirt. What?

(electric bass playing)

Hey, Principal Mitchell, what's with the...

Bass? For your face?

As you know, Sprint inspired me to chase my dreams.

After destroying several more air mattresses not dunking a basketball,

I decided to chase my other dream...

-the... -(note plays)

bass guitar.

Inspiration is in the air, gentlemen.

Sprint even inspired Douglas to ask out a girl.

(sobbing noises)

Wait. Why isn't Sprint with you?

Something terrible has happened, hasn't it?

Well... Uh... the thing is...

uh, you see... Sprint was just...

(bass note plays)

My apologies. Sometimes the funk just washes over me like a waterfall.

Now then... you were explaining what happened to Sprint?

Yeah, um... he was just...

(bass note plays)

Mr. Buckets. I'm waiting for an explanation.

He...

just...

(quickly) stepped inside to inspire someone.

Good. Because if you had lost that lovable child...

(plays "dun-dun-dun")

Okay. I'm gonna keep looking for Sprint.

You guys need to go find

whoever's carrying that torch right now and stall them.

Stall a torch bearer?

The most focused and dedicated athlete known to man?

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Just go!

No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, where is it?

I can't talk to Gabe Michaels without that t-shirt!

USA! USA!

Would you stop that?

You are an American with a dream!

Therefore, I am cheering you on!

USA! USA!

Mom, have you seen my...

What is this?

Hope you're ready to have the coolest Mom ever.

'Cause Kirby's friend this morning inspired me to sprint towards my goal

of being on Ultimate Ninja Warrior.

I really don't have time to explain to you

how terrible of an idea that is,

I'm looking for a t-shirt that has fake abs on it.

Have you seen it?

Huh... come to think of it, Kirby's friend had surprisingly good abs

for an 11-year-old.

Good thing I didn't punch him in the stomach like he kept asking me to.

Duuuagh! I should've known Kirby and his stupid friends were behind this.

Come on, we gotta go find 'em.

USA! USA!

Come on!

USA!

Whoo!

Okay. So if he's keeping perfect time, which, as a professional torch bearer,

he most certainly will be,

he should be rounding the corner right about...

Maybe he's having an off-day.

Torch bearers don't have off-days, Eli, you know that.

Maybe he sprained his ankle or something.

If so, he should be rounding the corner right about...

What do you guys want?

You're the torch bearer?

Yup... Won a radio contest.

Like running is some sweet prize.

Why does this thing have to be so hot?

I don't know... maybe because it burns with the passion

and never-diminishing drive to greatness of the human spirit?

Whatever.

-(stomach gurgling) -Whoa.

I need to find a bathroom...

and I don't wanna talk about it!

But you're a finely-tuned athlete!

Gotta be a bathroom, gotta be a bathroom, gotta be a bath...

Ahh! Hold this for a sec.

He... passed the torch to a non-qualified torch bearer?

That's a blatant violation of the rules.

I mean, I know we were supposed to just distract him...

But you think he's a disgrace to torchbearing

and doesn't deserve the honor.

(toilet flushing)

Hey, where's the kid with the torch?

Have you seen a really athletic 11-year-old in a six-pack ab t-shirt,

possibly way too hopped up on electrolytes?

I don't wanna talk about the bathroom.

Just leave me alone!

(Gil) You lookin' for that little hurricane of inspiration

with the great abs?

Gil, what are you doing?

Sprint convinced this guy to follow his dream of being a ventriloquist.

You wanna see him sing a song while I drink a glass of water?

Look, Gil, I really don't have time for...

♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪

Gil! I'm looking for Sprint.

Did he say where he was going?

He said somethin' about...

No more ventriloquism! I need help here!

(cell phone buzzes)

Sprint, buddy! Oh, please tell me

you're on your way to the torch passing.

What's the point? Torches are pointless. Everything's pointless.

Big Ricky?

(French accent) Monsieur Ricky!

Head of the Forest Hills High French club.

We plunged your friend with the scorched abs into an existential crisis.

It looks like the graceful and lithe Jean-Luc

will have to carry the torch!

Viva la France!

(French accent) Ah. Kirby Bou-quet. However did you find us?

There's a big sign out front that says "Le French Club. Bonjour."

(regular voice) Sorry, guys. I didn't know Kirby could speak French.

(sighs)

What did you guys do to Sprint?

(French accent) We showed him some movies we made for French club.

So bleak... and not at all representative of the French culture.

(woman speaking French)

Based on a true story, mon frere.

Sprint, we gotta go!

Who cares?

You! Or at least you used to.

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby!

Ah! There you are!

So glad I installed tracking software on your... phone.

Never mind. I need my shirt back

so I can trick Gabe Michaels into talking to me.

What's with all this French stuff?

You're in America! You represent stars and stripes!

That is a lot of big talk... for a Canadian!

That's right. The French club looks up every Canadian student,

hoping that they are French Canadian.

They never are.

You don't know what you're talking a-boot.

(gasping)

(normal voice) She's an impostor!

Why don't you hop back on your moose and go back to Canada!

I love America. USA!

USA! USA! USA!

Sprint, we gotta get you to that ceremony!

I think you're looking for this!

Pfft! No way!

I'm looking for... this.

(crowd cheering on TV)

All right! Pressure's finally on!

Time for the Clutch!

Ahhhh!

My hamstring! I pulled a hammy!

Fish! I'm gonna need a few more minutes.

Don't worry, Kirb, we've got everything under control.

Eli, you cannot carry the torch using that Western grip.

-Give me that! -No way.

I've seen how you showboat!

Torch bearing is about fundamentals, Fish.

Fundamentals!

Well... how about we both carry it?

(laughs) That's ridiculous!

The rules clearly state the torch must be passed from one champion to another.

Oh, I know.

You and me are about to set the world of torch bearing on fire.

When our ancient cavemen ancestors discovered fire,

they had to find a way to bring it from cave to cave

so all of us could exist today.

And they did that with a torch, Sprint. A torch they passed!

People need inspiration. They need someone to bear that torch today.

And if it's not you... it's gonna be this guy.

(whimsical music playing)

Just when I thought that I couldn't feel anything,

that video made me feel again.

Disgust!

I need to bear that torch!

(majestic music)

Kirby Buckets is... (plays "dun-dun-dun")

solid dead!

(cheering and applause)

We're doing it, Eli!

We're honoring the torch!

Go get it!

The greatest athletic event ever!

-It's really not. -And we ruined it!

No, you didn't!

Because I know that the Olympic flame isn't on some torch.

It's really inside all of us.

And all it takes to ignite that flame is a spark of inspiration!

(cheering and applauding)

Sprint! Dude, that was amazing! How did you...

It's got a little button on the handle to relight itself.

But like you said, people need inspiration. Right?

So you're Canadian?

(Canadian accent) Yup. Sorry.

-(emphatically) I need that shirt! -(crowd booing)

Kinda in the middle of something here...

Haven't you ever had a dream before?

Dawn... Stop. You don't need the shirt.

Really?

Did I say "need"? I meant "deserve."

You don't deserve that shirt.

Nice shirt, man. If you were a girl, I'd totally kiss you.

(screams)

(cheers and applause)

You know what? It finally feels like a sport.

So... guess that was pretty inspirational, what I did today, huh?

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

I guess that's just the type of guy I am.

An inspirational guy.

(Gil's voice) Well, I am very proud of you, Kirby.

Gil, will you please knock it off with that stupid puppet?

Gil? Who's Gil?

Ha-ha, real funny.

Guys, check it out.

I got a sweet deal on this bass and a broken air mattress!

(dramatic music plays)

How unsettling.

Have fun at being... (babbles, laughs)

-In a couple of hours, but, I'm sure... -(sneezes)

Thank you!

(laughing with French accent)

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪