Original subtitles

(alarm beeps)

(Kirby) Wanna know what gets me up and out of bed every morning?

The rocket fuel that pushes me forward?

It's anger towards my sister, Dawn.

Dawn!

What? It's a science project about nerds living with garbage.

(roars)

But be careful what you use for fuel

because when it runs out, you might be headed for a breakdown.

Oh, it's on.

(theme music playing)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

You're in so much trouble, Dawn.

Mm, we'll see, Kirby. We'll see.

-No. -Yeah.

All right, we have an official parental decision.

Since this whole garbage thing was for a school science project,

we can't punish Dawn.

Aw, and you can't punish science.

I plan on dedicating my life to science.

(mimicking Dawn) "I'm dedicating my life to science."

Well, I'm dedicating my life to making yours miserable.

Ugh!

Aw, man!

Greatest stunt ever! (squawking)

Ah.

(doorbell rings)

Dallas Cleveland? From the news?

We told you to stay away from us.

We don't want them to know about the...

The... the tons of information

in those overpriced magazines you're selling.

We're not interested.

Is that him? Kirby, people want to hear your story!

What was that all about?

Uh, pushy magazine salesman.

-Mmm. -We're a blog family.

(bell rings)

Guys! I need a story.

I joined the school newspaper.

Well, uh, I've got some news.

Where did you get these wigs?

Last week I was wearing a short wig so my mom wouldn't know

I've been avoiding my barber.

His shirt's too short and his belly keeps touching my shoulder.

Anyway, the wig was itchy, so I complained

to the wig company and they sent me free wigs.

These wigs are an opportunity.

We can start a business selling them.

-(gasps) -Uh...

Who'd want to buy a bunch of boring old wigs?

These are not boring old wigs.

Okay? They're exciting disguises. And who's gonna sell them?

These guys is.

Hey! We'll call the company Deez Guyses' Deez-guises!

Wait, what about Principal Mitchell's ban on disguises?

How will he catch us if we're in disguise?

I smell a story.

(Kirby) Oh, Dawn.

I'm gonna stink-spray you.

You have no right!

Hey now, what is going on here?

Uh, Kirby, why is TV newsman Dallas Cleveland breaking up our fight?

I want you on my show to do a follow up to your story.

Unfortunately, your parents won't agree to it.

Our story? What are you talking about?

You two are part of the biggest news sensation of the last decade.

If you want to know more, ask your parents.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to file a story on Henrietta Hoff,

the friendliest girl in town.

Rumor has it an illegal disguise business has started in school.

I hate disguises as I'm easily fooled by them.

Hence my ban.

Since you two are obviously new students that I've never seen before in my life,

you are the perfect candidates to go undercover

and expose this illicit disguise ring.

You can count on us, sir.

Or our names aren't Guy Manticore and Ziggy... also Manticore.

I certainly hope so.

I cannot bear another repeat of last year's humiliation.

Please welcome world famous basketball athlete, LeBron James.

(cheers and applause)

Guy, Ziggy, catch these hooligans,

and you shall be handsomely rewarded with my approving glance.

That was but a taste.

We know there was a story.

Fine, yes, there was a "story".

But, uh, trust us, kids,

it's best if "you" didn't "know" what "happened".

You're not my real parents, are you?

If my real parents have an in-ground pool,

I'm gonna be real angry with you strangers.

Okay, clearly this is about me winning some cutest toddler contest

which I think I remember.

A toddler contest? Ha!

Yeah, we all know you looked like a fetal pig when you were a baby.

We've all seen the pictures.

Pig babies are adorable, you noodle-armed rat face!

(Both) Enough!

You two were just three and four years old...

And we just happened to lose you

in the tunnels beneath the city.

(Both) Wait, what now?

(Dawn) We were the tunnel babies?

Isn't that just a legend parents tell their kids

to keep them out of the tunnels?

No, it's real.

You were Baby K and Baby D.

We never told you because we were embarrassed we let it happen.

(Mom) Still remember Dawn draggin' you out.

(speaking in childish voice) "Someone call a doctor, my baby brother is hurt."

(normal voice) So adorable.

(clears throat)

"Hero Sister Saves Brother's Life

After Irresponsible Parents Lose Them in Tunnels."

I'm a hero.

I'm your hero.

No! No, you're not.

We're enemies. I don't even like...

(roars)

Don't fight it, Kirby.

I saved your life.

Can you weally be mad at a cute wittle hewo wike me?

Tee-hee-hee.

Dawn's my hero?

No!

(Dallas) Tomorrow on Dallas...

You remember The Tunnel Babies.

They burrowed their way right into our hearts.

Baby D, the hero sister,

Baby K, the helpless brother.

But where are they now?

Their names are Dawn and Kirby Buckets

and I've got them.

Only on WTKA .

Dawn, I mean, do we have to do that show?

I really don't want to...

Go on TV and celebrate how you didn't get eaten alive by tunnel rats because of me?

No, you're right, but we should be celebrating you.

(mouthing celebrating you)

Um, Kirby, could... could you get me some water?

Sure.

-Oh, it's a... it's a little warm. -But I just got it out of the...

What do you think the rats would have started with first?

Your face? Or do you think they would have saved that for last?

(sighs)

(ice cubes clink)

Can you pour it?

But you at least put some vinegar in her water, right?

Or dipped your sock in it?

No. I mean, I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

I kept thinking about how she saved me

and how I want to keep doing nice things for her life

and make her happy, and it's ruining my life!

Ooh, that's the Ponce de León.

That wig will make you look ten years younger.

Wig responsibly, hombre.

Thank you.

No, Kirby. Fight it.

Yeah, I don't have to help her. I mean...

so what, she saved my life?

Big deal.

(sighs)

What am I doing?

Here are your books, you sweet angel!

(Both) Oh, Kirby.

Okay, you guys gotta help me get back to despising Dawn.

My investigation into this wig-spiracy

has uncovered a lot of disturbing things.

-This story needs a bigger audience. -(gasps)

Belinda, you're absolutely right.

I do have a karmic free pass!

What? I didn't say...

I saved Kirby's life.

I'm a plus-one in the save-a-life column!

You don't know much about how karma works, do you?

Hmm...

there's some connection here, but I just can't see it.

You wanted to see us, Principal Mitchell?

Yes.

It has come to my attention that you two have recently

come into a large number of wigs?

Um... yes?

I would like to borrow one to go undercover

and catch some shady disguise salesmen.

The two boys I sent out never returned...

and frankly, I'm worried about Guy and Ziggy Manticore.

They weren't ready.

(celebratory music plays)

(music stops)

(celebratory music plays)

(music stops)

(grunts)

You are a stinker!

Your face is weird.

I'm Dawn.

I'm terrible.

I'm... (screams)

A hewo who saved your wife.

Sowwy, Mistow Winkle-Head. Tee-hee-hee.

Okay, stop!

This isn't working!

I don't know why I thought this would get me angry at Dawn.

The only thing I'm angry at is those terrible disguises.

(sighs)

I don't know what to do.

(sighs)

Sorry.

Hey, maybe this is an opportunity.

Maybe you two can finally put all your fighting

and bickering behind you and get along.

That does sound kind of nice.

No. No way.

I am not being friends with some sister's pet!

Maybe if you can't get mad at her...

we can even the score somehow!

By saving her life!

(Dawn) Kirby, the car for The Dallas Cleveland Show is here

and I need you to open the door for me.

And I think I know just the place to do it.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for Deez Guys!

No wigs.

Okay.

This has to work. I'm going off the rails here.

You see that?

(sighs) That's from me.

It's like I actually care about her.

You guys remember the plan?

When you give us the signal, we untie this rope.

And that rope goes up to that pulley.

(Eli) Sending that sandbag

falling down towards Dawn.

Then I push her out of the way, saving her life...

because I would hate anything to happen to that precious snowflake.

"Precious snowflake"? Get it together, Buckets!

Look, don't worry. We're on it.

Good, 'cause I'm going broke buying all these flowers.

(sighs) Just wait for my signal.

Got it.

Now, Dawn, according to reports,

you fought off a pack of feral raccoons

with a handmade spear to keep your brother safe.

Yup. That's just what heroes do.

She's a great person and I love her so much!

Come on, man. Be cool.

I mean, there's a wig for everybody in here.

-This is perfect for Halloween. -Look at the color.

(scoffs)

So Kirby, it's obvious you hold you sister in high regard.

Well, uh, yeah.

I mean, she saved my life, so...

You... okay there, Kirby?

-Dawn, watch out! -(screams)

(all gasp)

Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, are you okay?

Did you just shove your hero sister

under that falling sandbag?

What? No!

I just wanted to...

(cries)

Why you do that for?

That's not nice, Kirby! That's...

Ow!

Aah!

(muffled screams)

You are an ungrateful jerk, Kirby Buckets...

and that's the view from Dallas.

(show's music plays)

(sighs)

So Dawn still hasn't woken up?

No. They say she has an impact-induced hibernation.

Probably because the first doctor

on the scene was a veterinarian.

Well, thank him for his service to this country.

Hey! Kirby!

How does it feel

to be the ungrateful ingrate

who's clearly jealous of his hero sister?

Let 'er rip!

Oh!

(all grunting)

Tiny sandbags.

Get it?

I was up all night making 'em,

but it was totally worth it.

Your sister rules!

(sighs) I agree.

You're making this less fun, dude.

Well, if you need a disguise to hide out for a while,

we got 'em.

Thanks, but I think I'm just gonna go check on Dawn.

There you are!

I think Dawn was targeted because I told her too much.

Big Wig needed to keep her quiet.

(sigh) They'll probably come for me next.

Do you guys have anymore disguises?

(sighs) Look, we can spare one,

but we're about to secretly meet with some kid

we've never seen before

who says he wants to buy all of our disguises.

Don't you think that sounds fishy?

Nothing's fishy in the disguise biz, Belinda.

(sighs) Look, Dawn...

I'm so sorry for this

and all the stuff I've ever done to you.

I mean, swapping out your shampoo

with a year's worth of snot is totally uncalled for.

I don't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

maybe Eli was right.

Maybe it's time for us to put all of our differences behind each other...

Ow!

Dawn?

Dawn, are you back?

Guess it was just a muscle spasm.

Ow!

I'm trying to be nice to you, garbage person!

(loud blipping)

Your hair smells like horse vomit!

(loud blip)

Mom, Dad, get in here!

-Kirby? -What?

I think I know how I can save Dawn.

I have to get her really angry at me.

-What? Why would you want to... -Trust me!

Dawn needs to get angry with me

and much as I need to be angry with her.

Here, watch.

You're a terrible person and no one likes you!

(loud blip)

You're right! It did work!

Insult your sister, Kirby.

Insult her like the wind.

Yo, fellow teen dudes.

The name's Thaddeus Notafake,

and I'm looking to purchase all of your disguises.

'Kay, well, make it quick, Thaddeus.

Mitchell may be onto us. You got the money?

Viola!

-Oh! -Ah!

Uh-uh-uh...

Okay, okay.

One, two, three!

Oh...

Very nice.

All I need to give you two wig selling scalawags is a very...

(Man) Not so fast!

The name's Big Wig.

I'm the big wig at Big Wig's Big Wigs.

I control all the wig sales in this town.

What's your game, Big Wig?

You can't sell wigs unless we say you can sell wigs.

Wigs...

seize those three teenage wig scalpers.

Look! That bird has a wig on!

Run.

Get them!

Smell my pits, Dawn.

(loud blipping)

Letting him do this is good parenting, right?

We can only hope.

-That's good, sweetie. Keep it up. -More.

(loud blip)

They just entered the caf, dudes.

They won't recognize us if we just take off our disguises!

If we were in disguises.

(scoffs) Which we're not.

(chuckles) Totes.

Me neither.

I think we need to disguise our way out of this one.

I couldn't ask to be in peril with more clever dudes.

Hey, hey, hey, have you seen anyone in wigs?

(All) No...

Oh, okay.

How could I, Big Wig, let three wig thieves

vanish into thin air?

Oh, what have I become?

Deez Guyses' Deez-Guises!

(sobs)

Aw, she's not getting angry enough.

Come on! You guys gotta do it too.

Uh... Dawn, sometimes I wish you...

acted a little nicer.

Honey...

the greatest insult is the truth.

No. (whispers) We promised to die with this secret!

I want our daughter back!

Do what you must.

Dawn...

you brought Kirby into those tunnels

because you were a nightmare toddler...

(loud blipping)

who wanted to get rid of her baby brother.

-(loud blipping) -I made up the story

about you being a hero.

(loud blipping)

Wait, what?

So, Dawn didn't save my life.

-Why would you do that to me? -She was only four.

The reporters wanted a story, so I made her the hero.

-But you're not a hero! -(loud blipping)

You're actually... You're kind of the worst!

(loud blipping)

-The worst ever! -(loud blipping)

(gasps)

What happened? Kirby just saved your life.

(grunts)

Now that we're even,

we can be each other's hewoes.

Tee-hee-hee!

(roars)

You rat-faced little ingrate.

I'll crush you like a grape.

Yeah? Why don't you go back to the tunnels? I think the raccoons are...

-your real parents! -(laughs sarcastically)

Hey, you know what? Just face it: I saved you life!

I feel like we're really knocking this parenting thing out of the park.

-Yeah. -(arguing continues)

So glad to be rid of those wigs.

I can't believe we made it out of there in one piece.

Gentlemen. There you are.

I've just been through quite an ordeal.

Us too...

I'm sure they're unrelated.

Sufficient to say I now see the importance

of a good disguise, and hereby lift my ban.

(gasps)

And Eli, in the unlikely event that you would like to sell

the large cache of wigs you've acquired, feel free.

And the Buckets get to add another hero to their crazy family tree.

And that's the view from Dallas. And cut.

Now let's pack up and get some hoagies, huh?

-(chuckles) -It's all there!

All the information I gathered on the wig cover up

that's tearing our city apart.

This isn't small-time stuff!

This is the story of the century!

Never a good idea to dig into wigs.

Ya dig?

Wig Brother is watching.

-(Man) B marker. -♪ Marking, Marking, Marking ♪

-Smell his pits! -Smell them!

-Smell! -Watch this take.

It's gonna blow your minds.

-Have a whiff. -(laughter)

Consp-para-thay.

(both laugh)

Where's...

(laughter)