Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

[students chattering]

Ooh! Riley!

Looks like you have a secret admirer.

-Who's it from? -I have no idea.

"Dear Riley, I can't hide my feelings any longer.

You're the only girl for me.

I want to be your boyfriend now and forever.

Love... Shelton Klutzberry?"

Ooh, Riley's got a boyfriend!

[both] ♪ Riley and Shelton Sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

Oh! Sorry, Riley. She's just so fabulously evil.

[all laughing]

Leave Riley alone!

I couldn't possibly have written that note because...

I already have a girlfriend.

Zelda. See?

[all laughing]

An imaginary girlfriend? Could he be any more pathetic?

Actually, yes, he could.

[grunts]

[yells]

I am not cleaning that up.

Gold! Pure gold!

I am in the presence of a master.

Wait a minute. Shelton didn't write this note.

Nice try, Sierra.

What makes you think I had anything to do with this?

First, it's just the sort of mean, stuck-up prank you would pull;

and second, I recognize your stationery.

You have no proof!

Look, I can take a joke, but why did you have to embarrass poor Shelton?

Ooh! So you do love him.

[all] ♪ Riley and Shelton Sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

I'm sorry, but that tune is so catchy.

Having lunch with your imaginary girlfriend?

Then I guess you should have imaginary food!

And sit at an imaginary table!

[grunting]

Oh, my back.

You still have much to learn, young nerd crusher.

Poor Shelton looks miserable, and all because he came to my defense.

Nah, he looks like that pretty much all the time.

-I bet I know what'd make him happy. -A "get out of gym class free" card?

No, a real girlfriend.

-[both] Mmm... -[kids laughing]

Riley, no, don't do it! Think of the damage to your reputation.

Worse, think of the damage to my reputation!

Eww. No! Nothing like that.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Hello, Mr. Fleem?

I want to replace Shelton's imaginary girlfriend with a real one.

Oh! That could work!

That could never work.

We don't replace imaginary people.

Ohh, couldn't you bend the rules for a sad and lonely geek

who's constantly getting picked on?

[Mr. Fleem] Oh, well, I... I...

[all laughing]

[all] ♪ Conrad Fleem, Conrad Fleem ♪

♪ Has a girlfriend in his dreams ♪

Oh!

[all laughing]

[Mr. Fleem] I am gonna find this boy the best girlfriend we've got.

[announcer] And now, back to Ace to Face.

But what I really hope to do is direct.

Marvelous!

I, Ace Palmero, am enthralled with you, Celebrity Star.

Let's change gears.

If boys were milkshakes, what would your favorite flavor be?

Well, I'd say something like, oh, I don't know, Klutzberry

with a little sprinkle of nearsighted nerd on top.

-[tires screech] -[yells]

[tone]

[laughs] What are you doing?

Losing to your imaginary girlfriend at basketball?

-No! We're tied. -Nerd-bashing time!

Watch this. Shelton, trash can. Now!

Whoa!

You are on a whole different level.

Oh, wow, look! Tomorrow's meat loaf!

[sighs] I guess Conrad couldn't help.

[bird chirping]

[girl gasps] Look who it is!

[all talking at once]

Hi. I'm Celebrity Star. I'm new here in school.

Could some nice boy possibly show me around?

-I will! -Pick me!

[all] Pick me!

[grunts]

Hi. What's your name?

[wheezing]

Gosh! You take my breath away, too.

Sinuses clogged... Can't blow nose.

A monogrammed hanky man.

I adore monogrammed hanky men!

[blows nose]

I know this is sudden, but would you consider going out with me?

[all screaming]

Holy...

Run of the bus.

Shelton's life is improving already.

Looking good, Klutzberry.

Can we help you carry anything?

Like your girlfriend?

Here, Celebrity! Sit with us!

Hey! That's my seat!

What was your name, again?

I'd say having a girlfriend

has bumped up Shelton's quality of life a thousand fold.

Eh. He still looks miserable to me.

You said he always looks like that.

Still, he should be happier, shouldn't he?

I did everything right. He's with the Celebrity Star.

Why isn't he happier?

Perhaps, it's because he can smell Dick's delightful onion ring breath.

Oh, don't be such a crybaby!

Hey! I didn't get a jolly meal toy!

No fair!

Mom, Dad, can I get your advice on a boy problem?

Oh, for the love of Pete, will you just talk to the Hitswell boy?

It's not that kind of boy problem.

What I mean is, if you were a pathetic loser

and suddenly you were coupled with a total hottie,

wouldn't that make you happy?

I wouldn't know anything about that.

There's only one sure way to learn the mysteries of a boy's heart,

but unfortunately, that sort of interrogation technique

is frowned upon by the public school system.

So, we'll just have to settle for shadowing the boy like a hawk.

A romantic picnic in the park.

He's got to be happy about that.

First rule of surveillance:

things aren't always what they seem.

Ah... woodland creatures!

I can't touch them with the sniffling and the scratching

and the busting out in hives...

[groaning]

Oh, Shelton, you're so adorable when you swell up like a balloon!

[muttering] Oh, boy!

One move away from my first win ever.

Oh, these last four years of practice have been worth it!

See? Having a girlfriend is inspiring Shelton to--

Win for me, baby! Muwa!

Muwa...

You tipped over your king. That means you resign.

I win! See you in another four years, nerd!

[laughter and cheering]

Oh, Shelton, I just love the way your head bows in crushing defeat.

[carnival music playing]

Come on!

It's impossible not to be happy at an amusement park.

D'oh! Mouth germs.

Gingivitis. Streptococci.

[yells] Skin rash! Hangnails. Fragile bones.

Oh, Shelton, you say the most romantic things.

Boy, Shelton is clueless.

They all are, dear. They all are.

[Shelton] Motion sickness!

Vertigo! Nosebleed!

[Celebrity] Oh, stop. I'm blushing.

Shelton! Whoo-hoo, Shelton!

[Riley grunting]

Shelton?

Please, Riley, you have to hide me from my g... my...

Your girlfriend?

Don't say that word!

I can't stand it with the googly eyes

and the hand-holding and the cootie-giving.

Plus, what's gonna happen when Zelda finds out about Celebrity?

She's imaginary, Shelton.

-Celebrity is real. -Too real!

An imaginary girlfriend is all I can handle right now.

I wanted to work my way up to the real thing.

-Oh, Shelton, I'm so sorry. -Oh, I know on the outside,

there's the confidence and the strongliness,

but on the inside, I'm all... [gibberish]

Hey! Why don't you just break up with Celebrity?

-I'm allowed to do that? -Yes, if you want to.

You need to be happy on your own terms.

You're right, Riley. A man has to be a himself-type person.

I'm going to tell Celebrity we're breaking up.

I'm sure she'll understand.

I don't understand. You're breaking up with me?

I just think you should see other nerds.

This has been the greatest three days of my life.

I'll never let you go. Never! Ever!

Oh!

Shelton, I am so sor...

[all gasp]

[all yell]

Without your glasses, you're... a hottie...

Which is totally not my type, so I'm breaking up with you.

Have a nice life!

[grunts]

These are some heavy glasses.

Yes, with the spine shrinking and the slumping and overbite-forcing.

-[yells] -Hands off, Riley.

We saw him without his glasses first!

We knew there had to be a reason Celebrity liked you, Shelton.

We're here for you now in your hour of need.

Ladies, please leave me alone! I don't want another girlfriend!

Shelton!

Ooh! Playing hard to get makes him even more desirable.

[yelling]

[grunts]

I will... I'll get you for this, Riley!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

[girls yelling]

-Hey, Shelly? -Yes?

I just want to try something.

[groans] Never mind.

Mmm.

[all chanting] Snow day! Snow day! Snow day! Snow day! Snow day! Snow day!

Quiet. They're about to announce the school closings.

[man on radio] It's time to find out which kids will be getting a long weekend

and which kids will be doing long division.

[man 2] Washington, closed. Jefferson, closed.

And as for George Stapler Middle School... closed!

Not! It's way open!

[all groan]

[cat yowls]

Oh, man!

I was so sure we were gonna be out today,

I didn't bother finishing my math homework.

Ah, yeah, that's why I didn't do mine, either.

Ohh, and I wanted to do a goofy-footed half-pipe alley-oop

with my new rocket-powered snowboard.

Oh. I'll cancel the ambulance.

Come on, kids. We can still make it to school!

Can you give us a ride to school?

Sorry, kids, but it's much too cold to go anywhere today.

Oh, come on, C.A.R.! You've got those transformable ski tires.

I completely forgot about those.

Well, I'm off to hit the slopes.

[wheezes]

-Oh... -Faster, boy!

This is the happiest day of my...

This is so symbolic of the human condition writ large.

My turn!

Come on, Tasumi!

[groans] Joints... frozen!

[creaking]

Go! Save yourselves!

Well, if you insist!

Hey, wait! I didn't mean it. It's just something you say.

OK! You are back on my list, Riley! If I could reach it!

[bell rings]

Hey, kids, name's Garth.

Mrs. Martin's missing and presumed cold.

The substitute got frozen in her shower,

and the substitute's substitute was in a five-snowmobile pileup

on rural route six.

[crashing]

Make that a six-snowmobile pileup.

-So you're gonna teach us? -Yep.

From janitor to professor in one quick step.

Whoa!

This is ridiculous.

Janitors teaching geometry? Ice patches in the classrooms?

I'm going to have a few words with Principal Cutler.

I am not cleaning this up.

Principal Cutler, why won't you close the school?

Is this another money-making scheme?

No!

Is there a way I can make money by closing the school?

I just mean, every other school is closed because of this blizzard!

Blizzard?

Where I come from, this is but a light dusting

on an otherwise balmy day.

Care for an ice cubicle?

But I...

Yeah. When you finish your ice cubicle, be sure to return the stick to me.

They're three cents a pop!

"Mommy and me"?

"Nome, Alaska?"

"Cheap Shots Discount Photos?"

[Cutler] Get back to class, young lady!

[shivering]

My anger will keep me warm.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Cutler better let us off tomorrow.

The odds of that happening are, as Janitor Garth taught us,

-roughly 100 to mop bucket. -Huh?

-Principal Cutler is part Eskimo. -Are you sure?

[dogs barking]

See you tomorrow, kids!

Or as they say in Mother's native Inuit, see you tomorrow!

Pretty sure.

So, the only way we're gonna get out of school tomorrow is--

Give me the phone.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, it is not safe to go to school in this weather.

We need a principal who hates snow...

for the winter, anyway.

Killer whale!

[people screaming]

Oh! Thank heavens! It's just a mechanical killer whale.

-[rumbling] -[kids yelling]

Greetings. I am principal Kayones from Tobago,

and for the next seven weeks, I'll run George Stapler

while Principal Cutler oversees my school overseas.

Mush! Mush! Before my tan grows uneven! Hah!

So, Principal not-Cutler, are we gonna get a snow day today or what?

Snow? I've never seen that before.

Whoa! The sky is falling! White doom from above!

Burying everything in its wake! It's unstoppable!

Due to severely terrifying weather, school is cancelled, cancelled, cancelled!

[kids cheering]

Gosh. I didn't know there was anyone who disliked snow this much.

Who cares? We got snow to ball, fort, and angelify! Let's go!

[Dick] Giddyup, noble steed.

[brays]

Ohh.

[grunting]

[groans]

This is the happiest day of my life!

[all laughing]

She triple-dog-dared me.

[C.A.R.] My trunk's not that big.

[Todd] Well, the fun had to end sometime.

[breathing heavily]

Door's locked.

Go away! Didn't you read the note?

What note?

Oh, my gosh!

That is the greatest educational innovation since mystery meat.

School is closed for a slush day!

No, a whole slush week.

[exclaims] Even better!

Gosh. He really doesn't like snow.

I feel bad for Mr. Kayones.

Bad? It's a week-long weekend!

We're as free as Principal Cutler's cable.

But this was my week to do the morning announcements.

I planned a whole routine. What is the deal with homeroom?

It's not my home. [giggle]

[humming]

[Dick] Look out be-snow!

[yells]

[man on radio] Just one school closing today,

but what a closing it is!

George Stapler has declared a snow holiday for the next six weeks!

No school for six weeks!

That's one, two, three, four, five...

At least five times better than spring break!

But, Todd, we have to make up for each snow day in the summer.

So? Play now, pay later. That's the American way.

Todd, at this rate, there won't be any summer vacation at all!

[yells] I'm getting Cutler back!

So, you're just going to send the new principal back home utterly traumatized?

-As fast as possible! -We never meant to hurt Mr. Kayones.

And I guess I just assumed that once he got back home, he'd snap out of it?

You should know that your actions have consequences,

no matter what you assumed.

Remember when you didn't finish your homework

because you assumed they would cancel school?

The janitor gave you a "G."

You're right.

Todd, we have to take responsibility for this.

Maybe we can show him that snow is nothing to be afraid of,

that it's actually fun!

OK. But when that doesn't work, we're gonna call Fleemco, right?

Oh, yeah! Of course!

[sighs]

[Riley] Mr. Kayones?

[Todd] Hey, scared guy!

Mr. Kayones? Yoo-hoo.

School is closed! Go home! Save yourselves!

We're not here for school. We're here to help, to teach you.

A student teaching a principal? Now I have seen everything.

Mechanical killer whale, check. Snow, check.

Student teaching principal, check.

We want to teach you to love snow!

[yells] Snow! Where?

-Well, time to call Fleemco. -No, Todd. We can do this.

Oh, it is so cold, so very cold.

-It's just paper. -But it's very cold paper.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Look. It's melting.

[laughs]

Huh?

[all laughing]

You're moving up my list! Right about... [muffled]

[cheering and laughing]

[all grunting]

[laughing]

[man on radio] Man, it's snowing cats and dogs.

[man 2] Nobody is going to school today...

[all groan]

Except for those losers at George Stapler!

[all cheering]

-Isn't it a glorious day? -It certainly is.

Well, your Principal Cutler returns tomorrow.

My time here has been wonderful, thanks to two special children.

No, not them. Them!

I learned to stop worrying and to love the snow.

Oh, how I will miss the snow!

Goodbye, children.

Now I must return to Tobago, where there is no snow... ever!

[crying]

After everything we went through, he just wound up sad again.

I've got an idea.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem] Hello, Fleemco.

[Todd] Mr. Fleem?

Have you ever thought of sponsoring a sports team?

[Mr. Kayones] Stop!

This informative mechanical killer whale

has told me that I am to captain the suddenly-created

Tobagonian toboggan team,

which trains in beautiful snow in Nome, Alaska, starting today!

How's that for responsibility?

Uh, that's great, except for the fact

that we won't have a principal until Cutler gets back.

-Did you think of that? -Uh, well...

Don't worry, kids. I got you covered.

I'm ready for some serious principifying.

First one in their seats gets a G-plus.

Hey, a "G" might actually raise some of my grades.

[all yelling]

[Garth yells] Ow!

[all grunting]

[crashing]

[Garth] I am not cleaning that up.

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents: Todd Daring on Toddliness.

Toddliness.

The dictionary defines it as

"Cool, sweet, or being like Todd in any significant way."

-It also-- -[Riley] Wait a minute.

There's no such word. You're just making that up.

For example, the whiny wet blanket, Riley,

doesn't have an ounce of Toddliness.

Todd...

[Todd] But she's chock full of Rileyness.

Todd.

[yells]

[announcer] This has been Todd Daring on "Toddliness."