Original subtitles

♪♪

Hot Streets, Mars needs our help.

The missile you're looking at

is part of a long-forgotten alien war.

It veered off course and now it's headed straight for Mars.

That's a supernova warhead.

If it strikes the planet, billions of Martians

will be incinerated.

The missile's defense system has prevented us from destroying it,

so we need to get inside its computer mainframe

to shut it down.

French, your expertise in tech

will be essential for this mission.

I'm putting you in charge.

Yeah, French! Your first Hot Street lead.

How are we supposed to get inside a computer?

With digital technology.

Ah! Dr. Plommy Tommy.

I'm Dr. Chondie Tondy.

I've constructed this digitizer capsule.

It will allow us to enter the alien computer mainframe

and deactivate the missile from within.

You'll be piloting the digitizer.

Can I bring my J.A.S.O.N. phone with me?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Excuse me, Dr. Chondie Tondy!

But I'm in charge here!

Jen, bring your phone. And I'll bring my Smart thermos.

Must keep hot.

Make sure your devices aren't touching your skin

when we travel.

It could create data fusion. Very dangerous.

This jerk's trying to usurp my power.

"Mm, I'm Chondie Tondy."

Chondie Tondy this, Chondie Tondy that.

Up yours, Tondy! Let's go!

The fate of Mars lies in your hands.

Therefore, you must take this mission tip to the lip,

as you know.

That means achieve your objective at all costs.

Remember, tip to the lip!

[ Zaps ]

Martians have the best jet fuel.

We can't let them die.

♪♪

This place is incredible!

Allow me to explain.

What we're perceiving is a visual representation

of the missile's computer mainframe.

J.A.S.O.N., scan the area. [ Phone chirps ]

Does that still work here?

-Yes. -Whoa!

Is my appearance acceptable to you?

Yeah! Check out my little phone dude.

J.A.S.O.N., like all technology here,

has taken on a digitized appearance.

Must keep hot.

-Yah!

Aah! Look out! Aah! [ Chattering ]

Oh, what do we have here? Perhaps a welcoming squad.

Why, hello. Ohh! [ Chuckles ]

What should we do, boss?

I...What the heck are those things?

[ Beeping ] -[ Dr. Tondy giggles ]

Antivirus robots sent to destroy invading programs

by removing the operating system.

I wasn't talking to you, Phone!

Nobody knows what that means!

-Ah! Ohh! [ Electricity crackles ]

It means it ripped his fucking head off!

Robots: ...fine. Your head will do just fine.

Your head will do just fine.

-Aah! [ Electricity crackles ]

-Your head will do just fine. -J.A.S.O.N., stop them!

I require a command.

I have various capabilities in this world.

J.A.S.O.N., program me some super legs

to kick the shit out of these babies.

Upgrading Branski.

I got super legs.

[ Boinging, crashing ] -Your head will do just fine.

Your head will do just fi--

Hey, look at this.

[ Humming ]

I can walk upside down with my cool digital boots.

As you all know, it's my favorite thing in the world

to be upside down.

J.A.S.O.N. can give us digital upgrades in this world!

[ Mumbles ]

Increasing Chubbie Webbers' testicles size by 40%.

[ Shouts happily ]

-Nice balls, Chubbie. -They're not that great.

Listen up, everybody! I know where to go.

Where's the Control Room?

Based on my analysis, the blue circuits

on the ground should lead us there.

-Easy enough. -Fine.

Blindly follow the telephone.

Hold on, now.

French is in charge here, so let him do his job.

Personally, I'm having fun as second banana.

Thank you.

This is my first lead in a Hot Streets -- Hot?

[ Whirring ] Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot! Hot.

What? That's the spirit. What's our next move?

We'll follow the red circuits.

Chubbie, you stay here and guard the capsule.

And, Branski?

Stay upside down. -Done.

♪♪

J.A.S.O.N., what is that?

Analyzing...

I know what that is. It's a firewall. Fire?

[ Whirring ] Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot! Hot!

[ Thinking ] I can't let anybody know

I'm slowing becoming a thermos.

This way seems really dangerous, French.

-Plotting alternate route... -No!

This is the fastest -- and warmest --

way to the Control Room. Follow me.

Go, French!

♪♪

So big!

[ Shouting ] -Your head will do just fine.

Your head will do just fine.

Your head will do just fine.

Hmm. Your head will do just fine.

Your head will do just fine.

Proud of you, French. You're doing great.

Hey, why don't you get down from there and help me out?

Why don't you get up from here

and have the time of your life like me?

[ Beeps ] -Jen, you have a text message

from your ex-boyfriend Matt. -Oh, for fucks sake!

that fucking beefpuff won't leave me alone!

I am just a phone. Please give me a command.

Delete message.

[ Beeps ] -Done.

It was a dumb message, anyway.

[ Bones cracking ] -Mm? Ahh.

Firewall -- F-f-fire!

Down. [ Powers down ]

Now on to the CPU Control Room.

[ Sighs ] Just give me a hot-second

to -- Hot! Hot! And I'll make everything right.

Uncle Mark, I'm getting worried about French.

He's not looking or acting like himself.

Try not to be so treasonous.

We have to remember that he's in charge.

J.A.S.O.N., scan French.

-Scanning... [ Beeping ]

Ah! Back off, you cold robot phone!

You're just jealous, because I'm on fire right now.

F-f-fire! [ Whirring ]

French? What are you doing?

[ Electricity surging ] -I just wanna make you all hot.

Everyone on Earth must...be...hot!

-What's happening?! [ Alarm blaring ]

French and his thermos are taking control

of the mainframe.

They're changing the missile's programming.

[ CPU beeping, alarm continues blaring ]

New target confirmed -- Earth.

French, you have to fight this!

It's too late. He's more thermos than man.

[ Thinking ] French is evil now. Again.

All right, I'm in charge now. We have to stop French

from turning the Earth into a boiling-hot sun.

No! French in charge!

Hot! [ Snaps fingers ]

Branski and Jen: Whoa! Uhh!

J.A.S.O.N., I need you to save us by hack --

I'm sorry, please repeat your command.

J.A.S.O.N., do something!

I can...

Please give me a command.

J.A.S.O.N., listen carefully.

Hack the password, and then use our ha--

[ Garbled ]

Whoa! Aah!

[ Grunting ]

This is a lot more fun than it feels.

What should I do?

[ Laughing evilly ]

[ Electricity crackles, zaps ]

[ Whoosh ] Aah!

J.A.S.O.N., can you hack us out of this cell?

French has encrypted the access codes.

I can't break us out.

10 minutes until collision with Earth.

I guess this is it, for everybody.

[ Beeping ] 10 minutes until collision.

Calling Jet Jr. to request backup.

J.A.S.O.N., you did that without us asking.

Yes. I'm not sure why.

It seemed like the right thing to do.

Well done, Team. You took it tip to the lip!

But the Earth is going to be destroyed!

True. But Hot Streets is about solving cases,

and that's what you did.

Anyway, I've established a new life on Mars.

I'm engaged to a Martian chieftain's daughter.

Congratulations, sir.

Shame you can't come to the wedding.

I've got to go meet her for the first time.

Give my best to Dr. Gommy Vonscomi.

Signing off. -Shit!

I'm sorry, Jen. I've failed you.

Are you okay?

J.A.S.O.N., scan yourself.

[ Beeping ]

J.A.S.O.N. is more man than phone now.

Whatever you are, you're one of us.

Your head will do just fine. Your head will do just fine.

We're surrounded!

Well, we may be on the down and out,

but I'm gonna die the happiest I've ever been, upside down.

-Your head will do just fine. -This baby has huge balls.

[ Gasps ] Chubbie?!

You befriended the babies.

They're actually nice babies!

Great, but how do we get to French

and redirect the missile away from Earth?

Is it okay if I had a plan?

J.A.S.O.N., you're in charge.

Ah. I'm going to enter the computer code directly.

The rest of you, use the antivirus babies to fight

your way into the Control Room, then wait for my instructions.

Never mind, this isn't gonna work.

Increasing Branski confidence in me.

Great. I believe in him again. Let's roll.

J.A.S.O.N., what's the percentage of success?

J.A.S.O.N., is too cool to give you the odds.

[ Chimes ]

Make hot! Hot! Hot!

Branski: Cool it, Thermos!

[ Electricity zaps ]

Now what? We're fucked.

Upgrading Branski's legs.

J.A.S.O.N.?

Who'd you expect? Groucho Marx?

♪♪

Okay...

♪♪

I get it, I'm a windmill.

♪♪

-[ Grunts ] Gotcha! -Whoa!

[ Thudding ]

Upgrading Chubbie Webbers' intelligence by 10,000%.

E equals MC2. Call me Professor Waggs.

Reducing Jen's body temperature by 200° Celsius.

J.A.S.O.N.! What are you doing?!

In due time, you'll see, my dear.

Must...eat...Jen!

[ Screaming ]

Professor Waggs, the controls!

[ High-speed mumbling ] Right with you, chum.

I'm injecting a recursive al-gore-rithm

into the targeting subroutine,

thus diverting the projectile away from Earth.

[ Screams ] [ Steam hissing ]

Upgrading Branski's arms.

Remove the operating system from the host.

-What? -Rip its fucking head off.

[ Grunts, groans ]

[ Electricity zaps ] -[ Screaming ]

[ Thermos clatters ]

You did it, J.A.S.O.N.! You saved Earth!

About that. It appears the autopilot has been damahged.

The only way to ensure the missile will hit the sun

is to pilot it manu-ally.

And that will be my final task.

It was an honor to work with all of you.

No! There -- there has to be another way!

Goodbye, Jen. Live the life you deserve.

Godspeed, young ballengorger.

No! I won't let this happen!

I'm not going without you!

Decreasing Jen's love for me 100%.

♪♪

[ Dramatic music playing ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Zaps ]

The sun... An eloquent solution.

Where's Roctor Chalbalusa Lalamombi Gam-Gambi?

The good roctor took a tip to the lip.

I see.

I loved that man.

Are we ready to go on our mission?

What happened?

I'll never forget you, J.A.S.O.N.

You think J.A.S.O.N.'s dead? I have good news.

He is dead, and he's never coming back.

But say hello to your new J.A.S.O.N. II phone!

[ Chirps ] It's much better

than that other piece of shit that you had.

I am a phone.

♪♪

♪♪