Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- Cheers, mate.

(car horn honks)

Hello, how are you doing?

- I'm good, how are you? - I'm good, yeah.

I need to get this inside.

- [George] Hi, everyone.

We gonna rehearse at the top of the show in 20 minutes.

Please let Danny and Deepak know.

That's 20 minutes in TV one.

- (sighs) - Thanks very much.

- What the fuck!

Oi! Rioja?

- Do I look like Antonio Banderas? - Danny!

- Give me a couple more, and get me something Argentinian.

Don't look at her, she's not Mom.

Cheryl won't let me see my boy again, I know it.

One thing, keep her and the boy out of the press.

I promised her!

- We can fix this.

- Fix it? Fix it?

It's happened, Robyn.

These papers are being printed.

Semi-retired codgers are gonna be driving them

up and down the country in their Renault KANGOOs

so the nation can enjoy my fucking breakdown

with a Sunday morning crumpets.

It exists.

It's solid.

It's matter.

- Hey, Danny!

Take it easy.

- I need a line.

- Danny!

Danny! Hey, you can't do that here.

What if someone sees you?

- What, what? What are they gonna do?

Go to the papers? (laughs)

Hey, come on!

Bring it on, on you dumb bastards!

- Get a load of this. - Get down!

- Sit. - (panting)

- I fucked it.

I fucked it.

- Okay, Danny...

I know that it may feel like

the house is falling down right now, but...

sometimes we need that so that we can rebuild

on the foundations.

(deep breaths)

- It was him. - What?

- Deepak did this.

- What do you mean?

- He's the only one that knew.

The little cock-nosed wombat.

Yeah, he's making a play.

He's jealous.

Yeah, he's jealous.

He's jealous of me

because everyone likes me

because I've got the charm.

Yeah, yeah. What he doesn't realize--

He thinks he's Billy big balls,

but what he doesn't know is that nobody likes Ernie Weiss.

You take the funny man away

and you're just left with a boring wally.

Yeah, you can't have Kenan without Kel.

You can't have Cannon without Ball.

You can't have one Ronnie.

- Calm down.

Yeah, nobody wants the Olsen sister,

they want the Olsen twins.

Yeah, except for Elizabeth Olsen

but that's a different thing.

He'll never be Elizabeth Olsen.

- I'm gonna kill him, the prick. - No, Danny!

- Hey! - Get off.

- Get inside.

- No! - Calm down.

Why are you so strong?

(cries out)

Saggy baggy bullet bags!

Help me!

(cackling)

(whimpering)

- Oh, shut up! - (mumbles)

- What are you doing? What's that?

- You're gonna calm down and let me handle this.

Don't fucking move.

- Sounded like it went well.

- You, stay here.

Don't let him leave. Where's Deepak?

- He's got this pious "I told you so" thing going on.

I think part of him is relieved that the world's finally gets

to see the darling he needs to work with,

which I get because it's a fucking nightmare

being partners with an addict.

Sorry, I didn't mean you.

- Don't tell me you don't have a choice to run it.

- I take it Caroline's here.

- I thought she was setting up mission control downstairs.

- Fine! Then I won't have a choice

when I nail your ears to the front of a dirt bike

and ride you face-first through a field of un-detonated shit mines.

- Fuck! - What's the temperature?

- Catastrophic climate change.

She's raging at Reese for pulling this shit.

- You haven't heard anything from her, have you?

- Reese?

No. Why would I?

- Have you got that deceitful monster on the phone yet?

- She's not picking up.

- I'm going to break into a sperm bank

and forcibly impregnate her with a fire hose

just so I can murder her children.

(clatters)

We had a deal!

I want to know who her source is

and how in the name of Dame Maggie Smith's bleached asshole,

we did not know about it.

- Danny's status? - Not great.

- He's flying over the cuckoos nest. - I'm not surprised.

Within 24 hours, the nation's going to be reading

about the adventures of Danny Davis and his "Wee Willy Winkie"

whilst taking their Sabbath morning dumps.

- So, what's the plan? - Well, I spoke with the channel controller,

and they have pulled him from the show.

- Really? - They can't take a risk of him having a meltdown on air.

And I think Danny, he is on his ninth life.

- What about Deepak?

- Deepak...

will be presenting with Ashley Dylan.

- The warmup girl? - Yes, it's all sort of a reduction.

She's green, but she's got charm.

Either way, her profile will rocket after this

so we need her locked in.

Bell, Bell, Bell, go pick this...

Also, I want you to write Deepak

a heartfelt statement for the top of the show.

Ride the, um, male mental health angle hard.

Eve, he's yours.

- I was just heading over there to check on him now.

- Oh, are you waiting for your Uber?

- Go! - Jenny from Sky News is on hold.

- Warm and genial or Jenny with the gay husband? - Gay husband.

- I want you to talk to Reese. - She wouldn't listen to me.

- Make her. Hi, Jenny. - (phone rings)

Thanks calling back. How's things with Fabian?

Ouch!

Mm-hmm.

- You can not call me, say.

- You need to tell Caroline to back off.

She keeps leaving these angry voicemails.

She makes Alec Baldwin sound like a Buddhist monk.

- You haven't told her when I stayed over at yours, have you?

- Well, I did post this cute picture of you asleep,

but I only posted it to close friends.

- I'm serious. If this comes back to me-- - Chill the hell out, Robyn.

- I'm a journalist. We have anonymous sources.

- Why are you calling me? - I want an exclusive with Danny.

- What! Caroline is never gonna go for that.

You just stabbed her in the back,

and now you want us to give you an exclusive?

- No, you just stabbed her in the back.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

- Robyn! I've been looking for you everywhere.

- Everything all right? - Yeah. I, um...

I need you to draft a speech for Deepak for the beginning of the show.

- Me? - Yeah, just the draft. I'll prep and proof.

But there's stuff I needed to do.

It needs to say that with great regret

that Danny will not be appearing on tonight's show,

and then over the next few days,

there will be some revelations on the press,

that he's seeking treatment because he doesn't want his personal issues

to get in the way of your entertainment,

insert joke here, blah, blah, blah,

something about forgiveness, love,

friendship, poor Danny, poor Deepak,

big finish, standing ovation, got it?

- No, not really. - And I need you to get Ashley Dylan to assign this.

- Ashley Dylan, the comedian? - Yeah, she's co-presenting

and Caroline wants her on the books.

- Counting on you. - (phone rings)

I have to take this.

Ruth!

Oh my God, thank you so much for calling me back.

- Rob, it's me.

- Mark!

Can you put Ruth on the phone, please?

- I'm afraid she doesn't want to talk to you, Rob.

I'm just ringing to say,

I'll drop your stuff off at your office on Monday.

- Mark, put Ruth on the phone.

- She's not gonna speak to you, I'm sorry.

- Oh, what? So, she's forgiving you, then?

She can let you back in, but she can't forgive her own sister?

- Because you've made one mistake

and you've spent the last three months regretting it.

- I think because, I made a mistake

and I've spent every moment since that mistake

trying to make up for it.

- Whilst she just makes a mistake and then another mistake,

and they just get bigger and bigger and bigger.

- And unfortunately when you make a mistake,

you tend to follow it up with another

and another and another and it just keeps going on and on.

- And then when you do finally forgive her,

she just reoffends.

- Look, I think essentially what I'm trying to say

is that forgiveness doesn't seem to help you.

It just lets you go on and on.

- Okay, I know I fucked up.

I have a problem.

- You do, and you have my sympathy,

but you have got to fix it,

because it is hurting people.

- It's hurting Ruth... - Hey, do not, don't.

But there's a bigger picture, Rob, here that we have to consider.

We cannot allow volatility into our children's lives.

It'll screw them up.

You know that more than anyone.

- Ruth, please,

please can you hear me?

Ruth, honey, please, just speak to me.

- Your sister, loves you more than you can imagine...

more than she'll ever love me,

but she can't have you in her life, not like this.

- Ruth, please. (sobs)

- It's gonna break her heart, Rob.

This is on you, it's not on her.

And I'm begging you, if you do love her,

you will not contact her unless she could guarantee

that you won't let her down again.

I'm rooting for you, Robyn.

I really am.

- (sobs) - (beeps)

- (knocks) - Come in.

- Hi, ya!

I'm Melody.

I hear that you are co-presenting today.

- (sighs) Jesus! I haven't presented a full show before.

I'm absolutely dropping me donuts here.

I've been shaking like a cat, crapping an avocado stone.

So what do you do, Melody?

- Well, I am actually part of MPPR.

We represent Danny and Deepak.

- What are you doing here talking to me?

Shouldn't you be manning the lifeboats?

- No, actually, I was just wondering

if you had anyone looking after your PR.

- Me? I had to get the boss here, Melody.

I can only afford single ply toilet paper.

I do not have anyone looking after my PR.

- Well, I think maybe,

in light of everything, you might wanna

think about having someone to look after your interests.

- And is that what you want to do, Melody,

look after my interests?

I...

Okay, um...

I saw you performing at the Edinburgh Festival,

it was in a wine bar,

like six people on the Free Fringe,

and you made me laugh so hard that I farted

and I had to tell the guy that I was on a date with that

it was just a squeaky chair.

- I'm very sorry about that. (chuckles)

- You've got more fun in your bones

than both of those clowns out there.

This is a real opportunity for you.

We both know these stupid straight white guys

are just gonna fuck fondle

full power their way out of a job.

And when they do, which they will,

we need people like you in the wings waiting to capitalize.

We can make sure that you're at the front of the queue.

- What do you cost?

- First three months we work for free

and then once we've tripled your earnings,

we'll talk about fees.

- Ooh, I like your confidence.

I've got to say, Melody, that was one hell of a speech.

I feel like I'm in Wolf of Wall Street.

I wanna go out and punch a door for something.

- Excellent!

Right, I'm gonna leave you to prepare.

Hopefully we'll be working together again very soon.

- Yeah. I certainly hope so.

Here!

What happened to your nose?

- Ooh, it's just a spot.

(chuckles)

Do you know what? Actually, no, it's not. It's not just a spot.

I got my nose pierced a week ago and I panicked,

so I've just been wearing this plaster on it ever since.

- Show. Come on, Melody,

you're gonna have to rip off the Band-Aid

both literally and figuratively.

I love it.

- Really? - I do.

Stop walking around like you've been punched in the nose,

and wear it with pride.

You are cool.

You are hard,

you will a Baked Alaska.

- Okay, thanks.

Break a leg.

- (chuckles) - (rock music)

- Eve, relax. This is Danny's mental health we're talking about.

Look, all I want is for my friend to get better.

It's all the masters, right?

- Where's the teabag? - Took it out.

- You took it out? Why would you take it out?

Get the fuck out of here! No, no no! Leave the tea!

- I want tea! - Okay.

Have you heard from the channel head yet? Does it affect our contracts?

'Cause the contract refers to us both

and I'd like to know if one of us breaches, does it void it for the pair.

- There you are. Where the hell is everyone?

Okay, so, I need to start talking through the set pieces.

- Yeah, I've just signed up

to a fixed-rate, five-year mortgage, digging into my basement,

- got a resistance pool. - How nice.

We just had a three and a half year legal battle

with the drummer from Def Leppard to get that pool

I had let them build a driving range.

He's got one arm, how does he even hold a golf club.

- Darling, I really need you to focus.

Danny's not going to be doing the show.

- Excuse me? - Yeah, excuse me?

- The whole bloody time, I've been saying Deepak

should be doing this on his own for enough time.

Haven't I been saying that, Deepak?

- He's not doing the show? - He's a liability.

He just relies on Deepak to do all the hard work,

- while he's off at the club hanging out with strippers

and getting women to blow cocaine up his ass with a straw.

- (clears throat) - What? You told me

he got a girl to blow cocaine up his ass with a straw.

- And I told you that in confidence.

Can we just rewind a second?

Danny's not doing the show, at all?

- No. Ashley Dylan's gonna do it.

- What! - Ashley Dylan?

- Is she even funny? - Oh, she is great.

- Have you not seen her? - Oh wait, no, no, no, no, wait!

Mine and Danny's energy is a very much boy-on-boy chemistry.

We have a very laddy, cheeky, chappy boys, next door thing going on.

- Girls can live next door. - Girls aren't funny.

- Huh? - Sorry, I don't...

Don't tweet that. I didn't mean.

What I meant was, on the whole,

the general public doesn't find girls funny.

That's what I meant.

- Sure. That's much better.

Look, Ashley's great. We have a script.

You just need to make sure you get through the show without any major meltdown.

(rustles)

- I'm sorry, dear. Who actually are you again?

'Cause I'm George, I'm the director, I'm running the show,

and this is the first I'm hearing about it.

So maybe you could tell me who's making these decisions.

- I'm Eve. We look after Danny and Deepak's PR.

- PR? - Right.

So we're employed by them and the network,

so that's essentially, yes, your boss' boss' boss,

to make sure that they remain the unstoppable moneymaking presenting duo

that bring in 75% of this channel's advertising revenue.

Oh, and keep shit-kickers like you in a job.

Yeah.

- I'm not sure about this.

- Danny is in no fit state to present a TV show.

- I've seen him present four hours of children's television

on a gram and half of ketamine, the man's a machine.

- Why can't he just do the show on his own, huh?

- Anyone's hot? - Eve, have you seen Melody?

I haven't seen her since earlier.

What happened to your face? Did a pollen bomb go off?

- Where is Danny, have you seen him?

- Yeah, he's in his room. He's feeling a little stressed.

- He's stressed? Of course he is.

Classic Danny fucking Davis.

He's stressed 'cause I've got to go out there

and present a show live to nine million people without him.

Excuse me, excuse me.

- (vomits) - (sighs)

- He fine. He always does this.

It's good luck.

- Could we get a runner in there, please?

It needs sorting out, 'cause I threw up in the sink.

I don't know why I threw up in the sink,

'cause there's a toilet right next to it.

- Okay, Deepak, dude, you gotta

- get your shit together. - Yeah.

- You got this, okay? - Okay.

- We'll sort the sink Deepak, okay?

Just, have yourself a little sit down.

Get yourself together.

- Hey look, if he does do the show on his own,

does that mean he gets paid more?

- Can I steal a cigarettes?

- Back on the hot stuff, eh?

- Is Deepak gonna be okay?

- (sighs) He's gonna have to be.

(slight laughs)

So, turns out you were right.

Gabriel is as much of a pro tool as all the others.

- I know, right?

- Handsome sexy billionaire

turns out to actually be a massive dick.

- I don't actually enjoy being right about these things.

- Well, I know that's a lie.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Are you?

- Oh, there's Melody.

- Did you and Ruth work things out?

- Yep, all sorted.

- Oh, see? What did I tell you?

Sisters, you'll always work it out.

- Melody!

Hey, you finish Deepak's statement?

- I thought you were doing that. - I'm just a bit stuck.

- What's the matter with you?

You look like you've been caught masturbating

- over your brother's baby album. - I'm just working.

- Why are you covering your face? - I'm not.

- Why are you holding your laptop like that?

- I'm reading.

- What in Tina Turner's tiny tits

has happened to your nose?

- Is that a piercing?

- Is that Winnie-the-Pooh getting a neck tattoo?

(sarcastic laughs)

- Okay guys, come on. What have you got so far?

- Hello, ladies and gentlemen. - Is that it?

- Well, I tried a bunch of other stuff and it all sounded disingenuous.

- It's disingenuous. You're a 25-year-old Scottish girl

writing a heartfelt speech on behalf of a

37-year-old half-Pakistani male TV presenter.

We are disingenuous.

- You can't spell unscrupulous, without a P and an R.

- (slight laughs) - Very clever.

- Yes, I know. Caroline said it once.

I've been waiting for an opportunity to use it since.

- Can I have one of those?

- But if you have one of these

will the smoke come out of the hole in your nose

like a Pixies chimney?

- Oh! - (laughs)

(phone rings)

(sighs) Oh God, Jesus!

But she's just gonna leave it on a message

saying absolutely nothing.

Just, "It's Mom!"

She's already left messages saying,

"It's Mom," three of them.

I mean, she has a phone. She knows how, voice mail works.

She knows that leaving multiple messages

just means I have to sit through, "It's Mom! "

- That's the thing about mothers.

They're like terminators.

They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with,

they don't feel pity or fear or remorse,

and it absolutely will not stop, ever,

until you're dead.

- I'm sorry about your dad.

- Um, sorry about your stuff.

- I'm going to request

that neither of you is sorry

about my breakup.

Dodged a bullet, definitely,

and I got three pleasantries out of it, so ultimately,

I'm up.

- So anyone want a fun size Milky Way?

(upbeat music)

- Where's my fucking coffee? Oh!

- Why's my Dexy's Midnight Runnere here?

- Well, clean her up and get me another coffee.

- Actually, it's they. - Excuse me?

- I mean, it's not her. It's they.

Oh, is it? I'm dreadfully sorry.

But if they don't get off their skinny little beret-wearing ass

and make us another coffee,

proper pronouns will be the least of their worries.

Coffee! And I want it blacker and stronger

than a Senegalese bodybuilder.

- Got it? - Yeah.

(sighs)

What's Twitter saying about Cheryl and Danny.

- I'd say, on the whole, it's still supportive.

30%, I don't believe it, 20%, boys will be boys

and 40%, it's entrapment.

- And the other 10%?

- She's naughtier than that fit.

- (phone rings) - Shit!

- Yes. - How's my favorite stepmom?

- Damian, I'm right in the middle of something so

- I can't really... - Big finally.

- I thought you might be.

What a nightmare, eh?

Still, boys will be boys.

- As much as I'd love to chat...

- Don't worry, this won't take long.

I just wanted to pick up a few documents

so I'd drop by the office.

I hope you don't mind.

- What did you just say?

- The doorman was cool about letting me in, eh?

I guess it helps when your name's on the sign, right?

- Damian, Damian!

- This is a cute picture of you and Dad.

- Can I get a copy? - Get out of my office.

- It's a shame you're not around for coffee,

it would have been nice to catch up.

- If you touch anything in my office!

- So anyway, I had a chat with our lawyers,

and apparently if a major shareholder wanted to get rid

of a company director without risking a major litigation

for unfair dismissal,

then they'd have to offer proof of gross misconduct.

- Damian, don't do this.

- What would constitute as gross misconduct, I hear you ask?

Well, apparently, evidence of anything unprofessional

or illegal, you know, like bribery, blackmail,

interfering with police investigations,

harassment, defamation.

You know, all that kind of grubby stuff.

- Damian, listen, I'm begging you.

Don't do this.

- It isn't easy, but apparently

if you can offer proof of such behavior,

then actually removing someone from their

position is

actually quite straightforward.

Obviously what usually happens is

both parties get into a room and talk to each other

and try to come to some sort of

mutually beneficial agreement which allows both parties

to get what they want

whilst not having to go through the embarrassing

and costly rigmarole of a court case.

So anyway, on a completely unrelated matter,

I was wondering if I could take you for dinner.

Are you around next week?

How about Wednesday?

You know, I think I might have a flair

for this kind of work.

I wonder if I get that from Dad or you.

Bell, call the lawyers.

We're going to war.

(rock music)

- Danny!

What the fuck?

Danny?

(sniffs)

- Okay.

So, obviously, the script has changed to accommodate

the new situation,

but the set pieces are all as previously discussed.

So the plan is just to run things absolutely as normal.

Sound good?

- Deepak, darling, I've got your opening statement here.

- Are they going to change the autocue?

- Sorry? - (stammering)

- Are we still gonna have Danny's lines on the autocue?

'Cause I think if he's not gonna be here,

it's gonna be kind of confusing.

- No, I'm sure they're going to change the autocue.

- Deepak, are you okay?

- Hmm? Oh, yeah.

I'm good.

- Mirinda gave me, like,

quite a few of her beta blockers,

because I was having a teeny-weeny panic attack.

But I'm fine now.

Feel good!

Do I look okay? 'Cause I feel kind of thembly.

- Sorry, darling, you feel what?

- Thembly. Fambly?

Is that a word?

- I think that's a word.

- Well, what am I thinking of?

Fambly?

Fumbly?

- Deepak, darling, I really need you to get it together,

because there are a of people counting on you here.

- I can get it together.

I'm a professional.

- We need to get him some coffee.

None of this instant, okay?

Killer horse coffee!

Would you check this and get it loaded in?

- Yeah.

- George, I'm feeling a little freaked out, man.

Are you in there?

- Okay, I've got the details on Danny's baby mama.

Her name is Cheryl Beans,

and I've lifted some photos from her Instagram.

- She's a sex worker, there must be something sluttier.

It's got to be filth. We need something that says desperate and dishonest.

That's perfect, the Halloween one.

Contact the unattractive boy she went to school with.

They'll have something to say about her for sure.

And make sure that no one is offering her anything,

if they are, double it.

We bring her into the fold.

She becomes part of our strategy,

and we use her as we see fit.

- Understood.

- Eve! Danny's gone.

- What! - What do you mean gone?

- He's gone, he's escaped.

He's crawled out the fucking window.

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Okay, you check with security, you check the studio,

I need to check the loft.

- But the show is supposed to go live in 30 minutes.

- Then we better fucking hurry!

- Update!

- Wait. - Danny disappeared.

- Disappeared, how?

- He crawled out of a window.

- This is a new piercing?

- Don't tell me I look like Minnie Mouse

with a nipple ring,

or a Bambi with a shaved head

or an altar in a gimp suit.

- I was going to say that one's nice.

- Oh, oh, thank you.

- Okay.

- Hey, I've looking for you.

- Oh, my goodness! Thank you, this is so exciting.

- But, I'm only in on one condition.

- What's that?

- That I get to deal with you personally.

- I don't really get my own clients yet.

- Well, I guess I'm your first.

All right, well,

I'm off to disappoint nine million people

by not being Danny Davis.

- You'll smash it.

- (vehicle horn beeps)

- Oh my God! There you are.

I thought I was gonna find you naked somewhere

banging seven gram rocks,

drinking tiger blood.

- Not winning. - (chuckles)

- Were you thinking about it?

- Are you mental?

If I was gonna kill myself, I wouldn't jump off a building,

particularly a TV studio.

What an extravagant act of egotism that would be.

Besides, we're not high enough, are we?

Probably just break both my legs.

Do you know how embarrassing that would be? (chuckles)

- Did you know that there's this volcano in Japan called Mount Mihara,

and in the '30s, some chick killed herself by throwing herself into the crater.

- Alfredo fell into a volcano.

- Then the next year, 944 other people

copied her,

jumped into the same crater.

- Smart move.

- High drama, low maintenance. - Exactly.

Sounds good too. "How did he die?"

"Jumped into a volcano."

"Oh fair."

- How would you do it?

- Cut myself.

No.

Pills, probably.

The lethal cocktail of alcohol and drugs.

That's what they say in the press, don't they?

Go out in a four-day coke bender.

Binging, banging,

snorting,

until my heart gives out.

weird as plumb,

teeth ground down to stumps.

You?

- Book myself a cruise,

all inclusive,

somewhere beautiful, somewhere remote.

And then, one night put on a nice dress,

go up on deck and all you'd see

in any direction was just,

the moon light rippling and reflecting off the dark water,

infinite.

Have a couple of Martinis,

and then I'd pop a couple Xanax

and just...

step over the side and disappear forever.

- Christ!

I thought was morbid.

I might have to read some Sylvia Plath

just to cheer myself up.

You know, in rehab,

they're always talking about rock bottoms.

This was my rock bottom.

No, no. No, this was my rock bottom.

Every time I think I've reached mine,

I just seem to bounce straight back off it again.

It's like a serial killer revisiting the scene of a crime.

They wanna to get caught.

They want it to stop.

Or be stopped.

But everyone just keeps the train on the tracks,

'cause it's worth so much.

Lawyers, managers, you.

I've really fucked it, haven't I?

- Bitch, join the club.

(phone rings)

Hang one sec.

I can't do this right now.

- I'm here.

- What do you mean, you're here?

- I'm at the studio.

- Why?

- I thought I could grab Caroline for a little chat

about my exclusive.

- If she sees you, she will kill you.

- It's lucky I got you to look after me then.

- Fuck you, Reese.

You can't blackmail me.

- I'm not blackmailing you.

I'm using you to get what I want,

which is exactly what you've always done with me.

- That's not fair.

- Life's not fair, babes.

It wasn't fair when you ghosted me

after eight fucking months together, was it?

Shit happens, eh?

Let's not pretend this is personal, yeah?

- STD clinic?

(chuckles)

- James, I'm not being funny, but a man came

- out through the window. - I've not seen him.

- Sorry! - Where is he?

- Let me in, I need to talk to Danny Davis.

Danny Davis!

- I know he's fucking in there. - Hello. Hi, there.

- Where's Danny? - She can't come in without a pass.

- Okay. Fine. She's with me.

So we'll just...

- You're Cheryl, right? - Who are you?

- I'm Melody. I worked for Danny's PR. - What?

- We do press and... - I know what PR is. I'm not an idiot.

I mean, why am I talking to you? I wanna talk to Danny.

- Well, you can't right now, because Danny is getting ready for the show.

- Yeah, I don't care if he's having a high tea with the queen of fucking Denmark.

Why have I got journalists calling my home,

- talking about my son? - (phone rings)

- Look, no, you can't. Stop!

Right, stop!

How much?

- Excuse me?

- How much,

just to make it all go away?

- Make it go away?

Make what go away?

My son?

I don't want any of his money.

I never did, I earn my money, thank you.

That's the problem with you people.

You just assume that everyone can be bought.

- Oh, come on. That's a bit rich coming from--

- Coming from what?

No, no, go on. Coming from what?

Prostitute?

A whore?

Scarlet woman?

(sighs)

You know what? You're probably right.

Maybe I should forfeit any highfalutin ambition

for being treated like an actual human being.

- No, I'm just asking that you don't speak to any media.

- Why would I want to talk to the fucking media?

So can be called a slag?

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want my 15 minutes.

I don't want anybody's money.

I earned 120 grand last year, after tax.

All I want is for me and my boy to be left alone...

so he can be normal.

That is all I've ever wanted.

And he promised. (sobs)

- Oh God, don't cry.

I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean all that.

Come on, let's just take a breather, will we?

- Why do I behave like this?

I go after people like me, like

I'm the one ruining in his life.

I just want him to take responsibility for their actions.

And if there's no consequence,

- he will never stop. - (phone rings)

- I'm so sorry.

Give me one minute.

Mom, what!

- Melody, I need to talk to you.

- Mom, I'm at work.

- It's important.

- My job is fucking important.

- Your dad's been moved to a hospice.

He's been deteriorating over the last week.

I mean, can't care for him and keep them comfortable so,

they're gonna move him.

If you want to make sure you get to see him,

you should get on a train.

It's hard to know exactly how much time he's got.

- Danny!

- Oh, fuck!

- How you doing, man?

Eve? Eve!

Reese is here.

- What! Why!

- She wants to tell-all exclusive with Danny,

all about his love for the child,

and his shame and his recovery.

- Are you having a fucking bubble bath?

- She fucks over Caroline

and know she wants another exclusive?

- We need to fix it.

We need to make a deal, come on.

- Watch him.

A deal!

- We know Reese. - We know she is a snake,

who would sell her own mother into sex trafficking ring,

if it means she gets a story out of it.

Caroline would never go for it.

- I think Caroline is a little stressed

and she's not thinking clearly.

- Well, they already had a deal.

- Or, I was just thinking that maybe

if you and I could figure something out, you know.

I know Reese.

I know how to get what I want from her.

- Oh, really? Because from what I've seen,

she knows how to get what she wants from you.

- You know what? I'll figure it out myself.

- Rob! - Caroline, Reese is here.

- Hey.

- Your pal, Abigail here,

was just offering an exclusive with Danny,

letting him tell his side of the story, warts and all.

Reckons we might even be able to tie it in with a book deal as well.

What do you think we should do?

- Well, I think, as the one who broke the story,

gives the piece an interesting angle.

She says that she genuinely believes in his repentance.

It could land it a certain credibility.

- I had the same thought exactly.

Okay, Mrs. Reese.

You can have your story on one condition.

- And what's that?

- You tell me who your source is.

- Caroline, you know that as a journalist,

my number one commandment is to protect my sources.

(chuckles)

- Take it or leave it.

- Fine, she knew what she was getting herself into.

It was Melody.

- Melody?

- The little Scottish one, that's her name, isn't it?

Don't be too harsh on her. She's just playing the game.

The plan was I tip her off next time something big was gonna go down

with one of your clients

and she'd swarm in and saved the day.

- Deepak!

- (screams) - (clatters)

- Tits!

- You told them about Cheryl.

You promised, you fucking promised.

- I never told them anything.

Get off me.

- Get off me, get off!

- Go, go, go.

- Daniel, get off him right now.

- Why, eh? Why?

Is it because I went on Graham Norton without you?

- No, I never wanted to go on Graham Norton.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

- That's for breaking my Radio Times award.

- I think you should go... - And Holly Willoughby

- didn't forget to invite you to her fondue party.

She didn't invite you because she thinks you're a twat.

- Well, you only got this job because of affirmative action.

- You only got this job because you got special needs.

- ADHD, is not special needs!

- Okay, enough, enough!

- I never told him anything, you bloody idiot.

- Just admit it.

- Why would I want to do this without you?

It's twice as much work. And you're the funny one.

- When will you bloody realize how good you got it

and stop messing everything up for yourself?

This boy bloody loves you.

- You were the only one that knew.

- I swear on my baby's life,

I never told them anything.

- Really, I ain't got fucking time for this.

Get them both out of here.

- He started it.

He literally started--

He rugby tackled me when I was on TV.

- Ashley, the show is yours. - The what?

- You're live in ten. The show is yours.

- The whole thing? - Do you want it?

- No, I mean, yes. Grant, I do.

- Yeah, it's just... - Go

- So get up there, tell a few gags and,

for God sake, maybe... (mumbles)

I haven't got a sched.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Danny and Deepak.

- Give it up for those guys. - (applause)

- Oh, I love those guys. - Danny!

- [Ashley] It's just backstage jokes, guys.

Everyone, chill the flip out.

- What did we miss?

- Anyway, so, does anyone want to present the show with me?

- You, sir? - (laughs)

- Caroline, I'm so sorry.

I tried to stop her, but she just...

- Melody, we spoke to Reese.

- Abigail Reese? Is she here?

- Don't talk, just listen.

She told us that you gave her the information

- about Danny's kid. - What!

Listen, I get it. We've all made deals with journalists.

- I would never.

- I know this isn't what you wanted to happen.

- I didn't tell a soul, I swear.

- This is my fault.

It's not like I've set you a good example.

- Caroline, I didn't. - I take full responsibility.

She wouldn't even have been with Danny if it wasn't for me.

And as much as she's been stupid...

- I believe her.

She's as smart as anyone in this room and twice as honest.

And if she says she didn't tell anyone,

then I believe her.

- Nobody else knew.

- Robyn, stop.

- What?

- Stop.

- I don't know what... - Enough!

- You're fired.

- Caroline, please, I swear to God, I didn't.

- Not you. You. - What?

- Leave.

- Caroline, please. Please.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't cry, don't lie, don't beg.

Just go.

- (door opens) - Caroline, your lawyers

are here.

Send them in.

We're done here.

♪ I've been everywhere I wanna go ♪

♪ Seen everything I wanna see ♪

♪ But baby I am tired ♪

♪ Maybe I'm just tired of me ♪

♪ I'm tired of cocaine, I'm tired of pills ♪

(song fades)

(car brakes screech)

♪ I'm tired of running, I'm tired of sin ♪

♪ I'm tired of seeing the state I'm in ♪

♪ I'm tired of spinning, too tired to see ♪

♪ I'm tired of the demons and they're tired of me ♪

♪ Baby, I'm so tired of me ♪

♪ I'm so tired of me ♪

♪ Baby I'm so tired of me ♪

(guitar playing)