All language subtitles for Flack.S02E02.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

- [Announcer] Coming
up, we spend the day

with Britain's hottest couple.

He's the record
breaking racing driver,

she's the pop star princess
turned reality TV star.

Together, they're the Barron's.

It's been a tumultuous year

for empress of the
red carpet, Roxy...

- Piss off!

- But she seems to be back on
track after a stint in rehab,

a new tell-all book and a turn
on Celebrities Go Dancing.

She and British basketball
star, Kadell James,

sashayed into the
foxtrot final and won.

Earlier this year,
a very pregnant Roxy

renewed her vows
with hubby Darren

at a stunning ceremony at home.

We here at VIP Access can't
wait to meet baby Barron.

- (groans) You monster.

- You're doing amazing, babe.

(groans)

- Don't you touch me!

(groans)
- Is this normal?

- Perfectly.

Come on, Roxy, nearly there.

- Keep going babe,
you doing great.

Oh, babe I was doing a video!

- Shut up.

- One more push.

(Roxy groans)

- I hate you.

(Roxy groans)

(baby cries)

(Roxy laughs)

What is it?

- He's a boy, I know it's
a boy, I can feel it.

- Let me see him (chuckles)

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat music)

♪ I am just a
face in the crowd ♪

♪ In time, I'll have
you spinning around ♪

♪ You, won't see me
running away ♪

♪ Cause I ♪

♪ Am ready to play ♪

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Cole's satisfied with
his media training, then?

I remember the first
millionaire that I dated,

my boss at the
time took me aside

and gave me two
pieces of advice.

"If you find a
millionaire get married,

"if you find a
billionaire, get pregnant."

Saying that, she
ended up in Belize

with the head of
a velcro company,

and had a mental breakdown
by the time she was 50.

So not sure she's the best
person to be getting advice off.

- Isn't that the plot
of "The Bell Jar"?

- You want my advice?

Be wary of men whose dicks
or pockets are too big,

it makes their
entitlement untenable.

When the first petal
drops, I want them gone.

(upbeat music)

- Hello, Caroline.

(upbeat music)

- Where are you taking that?

- Hey, Belle, it's me, I'm back.

It's Melody, I used to work
here for like two months.

And then I left and
now I'm back again.

- Good for you.

- Melody?

What are doing here?

I'm back!
- Wow!

- Yeah, I'm gonna be
Eve's new assistant.

- Okay, great,
good luck with that.

You moving in or, suitcase?

- Oh, no, I'm moving
house today.

- Where are you going?
- Tottenham.

- Right, football.

(both chuckle)

Cool.
- I'm Belle.

- Yeah, I know, I'm Craig.

I have worked here
for two years.

- He's in IT?

(Belle gasps)

- All right, bitch.

(chuckles)

Hi.
- Hi.

- Sorry, this is Steph,
Steph, this is Melody.

- Oh, you're Melody?
- Yeah.

- Just so different
to how I pictured you.

Hey, Belle.

- Well, it was lovely
to meet you all.

But I should really
get back to my desk.

- Think she has face blindness?

- (chuckles) You're moving in?
- That's what I said.

- No, I was just saying,
I'm just moving house.

- Oh, you've got a small house.

- This is not my house,
this is just my clothes.

Yeah, I've got like a
whole bunch of other stuff.

God knows how I'm gonna get
that across London on the tube.

Might just have to
dump half of it.

- Why don't you give her a lift?

- No.
- Seriously,

he's got an old Volvo Estate.

It's hilarious, it makes
you feel like

a beleaguered single mother

but it's got shit
loads of space.

- No, honestly, it's fine.

- But it is massive,
be happy to help.

- Really?
- Go on, let him.

It gets him out
of my hair for the evening.

Anyway, I better
get on.

Some interns trying to use
an ethernet cable

on her airprint printer.

- Classic.
- Right?

Okay, bye.

- Right, well, I
should probably--

- Yeah, yeah, I should too.

(upbeat music)

Wow, those are beautiful.

- Perfect.

Deal with them, will you?

- Are these from
the millionaire?

- Billionaire, actually.

And yes, worried I
might have given him

the wrong impression.

- I think you gave him a
pretty good impression,

if you ask me.

- That's the problem,
he wants to see me again.

- And that's bad because...

- Because I'm not interested
in anything like that.

I just want a bit of fun, dicks
for hire, one date wonders.

I'm off boys, all they
do is cause problems.

Speak of the devil.

- Hi, Robyn.

- Did those flowers
just say hello?

Melody!
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- I hired her.

- Right.
- She's my new assistant.

- Does Caroline--
- Caroline knows, yep,

she's over the moon.
- I thought you said Robyn knew.

- Come on, Frodo, my flowers
are dying, spit spot.

- Yeah.

- When did that happen?

- The other day, bumped
into her in a coffee shop.

Caroline had mentioned
she's gonna be looking

for new junior agents.

So we need to be looking
at people to bring on.

- And were you gonna tell me
or did you just wanna leave it

to be a really weird
awkward surprise?

- Did I not, must have
slipped my mind.

Not a problem is it?

Just nice to have someone
you can trust in the office,
you know.

- So who are the flowers from?

- A client.

- Not Gabriel Cole, right?

- Why?
- He's just...

He definitely dealt with my
friend Melissa back in New York.

I text her and why
would he lie about it?

- Don't worry, my love.
My eyes are open.

I won't be telling my mother
to buy a new hat anytime soon.

- Ladies, Roxy Barron
has had her baby.

- Cute, what is it?

- It's black.
- Huh.

- Well, biracial to be precise,

but whatever it is,
it is not Barron.

They're currently holed
up at the hospital

with a hungry media outside
waiting for a photograph.

Go over there and
fix it, will you?

Both of you.

(upbeat music)

- This is exciting, the
gang back together again.

(upbeat music)

- [Darren] Can't
believe you lied to me.

- [Roxy] I did not lie to you.

- [Darren] You promised
you didn't sleep with him.

- [Roxy] No, I never promised.

- Roxy.
- It only happened once!

- Once, now you promise?

- Why are you making me
promise all the time?

- Christ!

- What difference
does it make anyway,

once, twice, 100 times, once
it's been in, it's been in.

- 100 times?

- Its a figment of
speech, Darren.

- He's like 12 years old.

- He's 23, actually.

- You love him?

- Don't be so sloppy, Darren,
it's the shock, isn't it?

Just don't, please.

You know I always wanted
to try have a black man,

we talked about it.

- I thought that
was just sex talk.

- It was, doesn't
mean it ain't real.

- Well, so you'll be
okay if you found out

I had a threesome with a
pair of twins, would you?

- No, Darren, because
they'd be sisters

and you know that's weird.

- Guys, hi.
Good to see you.

- Congratulations.

- He's beautiful.

- [Darren] Thank you.

- Very happy.

- Look, I know we've all
had a bit of a surprise

but how about we just sit down

and figure out where
we go from here?

- Where else is there
to go from here?

It's over.

- Don't be so dramatic.

- My baby's not my baby.

- Still be your baby.

- It's black.

- Don't be racist.
- How is that racist?

- Okay, time out.

I know everyone's
emotions are high

but we've got about 30
journalists camped out front

looking for a photo,
not to mention,

we've already sold the
christening pics to AK

for a lot of money.

- To pay for your
new defender, Darren.

- You said get a family car,

I wouldn't have even bought it
if I knew it were dirty money.

- It is what it is, babe.
- Okay, why don't we--

- Is there someone
we can point to

in the family history perhaps,
say it skipped a generation?

- I don't think that's go--
- It's a suggestion, Robyn.

We're not tied to anything,

we're just throwing
around ideas.

- Okay, sure.

- My grandma's second
husband was from St. Lucia.

- Yeah, that's not gonna work.

- Look, everyone
makes mistakes, right?

I mean, come on,
Darren, let's be honest.

We've all slept with someone
we weren't supposed to, right?

Maybe you've made a
mistake in your time.

- Golf bitch.
- I never had sex with Sandy.

She got my handicap down to
nine, don't call her a bitch.

- Blowjobs are sex, Darren.

- Surely the thing
that matters the most

is whether you're sorry or not.
Right?

(upbeat music)

- What are we gonna
tell everyone?

It's pretty obvious
the baby is not mine.

(upbeat music)

- We'll say that you
had fertility issues.

- What? You want me
to say I'm impotent?

- Infertile, big difference.

- Don't do it, Dars.
- You stay out of it Tow.

- Don't you shout at him.
- Leave off, Sharon.

- Oh, she's the
one who's been off

getting her clocks cleaned.

- Come on, Shaz, as if
your boy is an angel.

We all know who's off
shagging that golf bird.

- I never had sex with her.

- Blowjobs count.
- Bollocks.

- Oi!
- Look, all we'll say

is that you were having
trouble conceiving

and that you decided
to use a sperm donor.

- It's very common.
- Very modern.

- Why should he be the one
saying his bits don't work,

when it was her going
off on getting murky

with that other fella?

- Well, we can hardly
say mine don't work, can we

I just had a bloody baby.

- Marriage is about
compromise, Terry.

Rox has had to make her
fair share of compromises.

- Yeah, like the time I wanted
to start that ceramics brand

and you said it was a
bad idea so we didn't.

- That's because you know
nothing about ceramics.

- I wasn't going to
make them, Darren,

I was gonna design them.
- It was a mental idea.

- Dinner plates with
pictures of dinner's on them

is not mental idea, Darren.
It's fun and it's quirky

and I maintain it
would be successful.

- I could see you
as stocking filler.

- Thank you, Dad.
- Guys, Re, the baby.

Look, I'm not being funny

but think about how progressive
you're going to look

with a biracial baby.

- I mean, why do
you think that Brad

and Angie dropped all those
beautiful little brown kids?

- Focus on what really matters.

- The brand.

- Don't see the infertility
thing as a negative.

- You're being a
modern man being open

about the issues you face.

- It's like when Pele
advertised erectile dysfunction.

- True, he did.

A wonderful footballer,
such feet.

- You'll be the perfect picture

of the modern
progressive family.

- Breaking boundaries.
- Blurring lines.

- Also, getting in the race game

could really help
you crack America.

(upbeat music)

Can't believe we got them
to go along with it.

- Well you have a talent
in deceit, my dear.

What do those things
actually taste like?

- The dying fart
of a gummy bear.

So are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?

- The elephant that fucked
my boyfriend, you mean?

- Can Tom be the
elephant in this idiom?

I'm so sorry.

- Apologies are strange
thing, aren't they?

Just expressions of shame.

"I did a thing, didn't go well.

"Can we pretend it
didn't happen, please?"

Why did you do it?

- Would it help if I could
give you an answer?

- You know, I can't figure
out what's worse.

Fucking up my shit through
selfish, vindictive greediness

or just fucking it up
through sheer apathy.

- I hate myself.

- I know you do,
sometimes I do too.

- I'm getting reporters
asking questions.

(phone rings)
- Oh, I will be just a minute.

Rose?

- [Rose] What do
people wear in offices?

- What?

- The women in your
office, what do they wear?

Do they wear like pant suits?

- It's not the 80s, women
wear whatever they want, why?

- No reason.

- [Robyn] Is everything okay?

- Yeah, it's fine.
Are you in tonight?

- I'm gonna be back a
bit later, work stuff.

Look, I'm in the middle
of something, I gotta go.

- Okay, bye.

- Okay, here's what
we have so far.

I'm delighted to announce the
arrival of our son, Taron.

- Taron Rooney.

- I don't want him named
after a footballer.

- Well, I'm sorry, Roxy,

but you should have
thought about that

before you had an affair
with a basketball player.

- Christ, I'm never going to
be at the end of this, am I?

- Come on Rox, listen to
your mother, compromise.

- Ain't Rooney the one
that slept with a granny?

- He's England's
leading goalscorer

and the Premier League's
second leading goal scorer

behind Alan Shearer.

So unless you wanna
call our kid Alan.

Taron Rooney Barron.

- "I would like to also
take this opportunity

"to share with the world

"that our son was conceived
using donor insemination,

"and that we hope our
story may inspire others

"who have experienced
similar difficulties."

- Oh, that's nice.

- "Roxy's doing well"--
- Can you say mommy?

Mommy is doing well, it's
cute when people say that.

- "Mommy is doing well,

"and I can't wait to get
to know the little fella."

- Could it say,
"Daddy can't wait"?

- Might be confusing, babe.

- All right, Darren,

I'm gonna have this
printed off for you.

Rox, Eve is gonna get you
in the hair and makeup.

- I'll get the beers in.
- I'll come with you.

Ere, couldn't hold him
for a sec, could you?

- Oh!

You need to take this.

- Here's a newborn baby.

(suspenseful music)

- I'm delighted to
announce the arrival

of our son,
Taron Rooney Barron.

I would also like to
take this opportunity

to share with the world

that our son was conceived
using donor insemination.

And we hope that our
story may inspire others

who have experienced
similar difficulties.

Mommy's doing well,

and I can't wait to get
to know the little fella.

(cameras clicking)

Thank you all for respecting
our privacy at this time.

We look forward to sharing
our new baby with the world

and we're so in love with him.

- Kadell, isn't that--

- [Darren] My wife, Roxy,
who has been so strong

during what has been
a difficult pregnancy

and I love and honor...
- What?

- [Darren] ...arduous
journey to get here.

It hasn't been easy, but with
the safe arrival of our son...

- Have you worked
as a PA before?

- I was married for five years.

No, I haven't officially but
I'm incredibly organized,

some people might say
pathologically so.

I worked at a restaurant
in New York for a while,

and the girls kept taking
each other's shifts,

so I organized a system in
the restaurant where it just--

- Ruth.
- Yes.

- Okay, you seem
like a nice lady

but I'm gonna be totally honest.

You don't have a
lot of experience.

- Okay.

- I'm looking for
someone who I can trust

to keep on top of things.

My diary management
alone is pretty hectic.

We're not a small company.

- Okay, can I be honest
too, Mr. Thornton?

- Please, Ross.

- Ross, okay, Ross.

I have extensive experience
managing a five year old

who is like catnip
for headlice.

An eight month old who
I think is nocturnal,

a 43 year old who
still does not know

where the bin bags are.

I have a sister who
is a self destructive

narcicisstic sex
and drugs addict

and I have two guinea pigs

who I swear, nobody but me
has seen in the last two years.

And yet, they live.

I cook, I clean, I suck
snot out of their nostrils,

only the children's.

I organize everything.

I pay the bills,
I do the grocery shopping,

I do the homework,
I do the tax returns,

I yell at Alexa because
she is a misogynist.

I organize their
dentist and their doctor

and their optician appointments.

I keep an unnecessarily
complicated calendar
of activities

and plans and play dates.

I send over 300 birthday
cards and Christmas cards

and thank you cards every year,

and I make sure that they
are personally signed,

because the art of
penmanship has been lost.

I am trying to tell you
that I organize

the crap out of life.

And so I think
with all due, Ross,

I can make sure that
you got your staples

and you get to your squash
appointment on time.

(upbeat music)

- You like calling
me to some weird places.

- I have a weird life.

Thanks, you're my hero.

- You going through them
pretty quick, mind.

- Like you said, tolerance.

- Sometimes slowing down
works good as speeding up.

No, I'm not trying to
do myself out of a job

or anything but--

- Mike, I'm good.

- You're the boss.

- Oh, fuck, I meant to go
to the ATM this morning

and then this all kicked off.

- You know I don't
do credit, Rob.

- I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll pay you back
next time with interest.

Pretty Pretty, please.

It won't happen again.

- Once.

Don't go making a habit of it,
pardon the pun.

- Of course.

- And now, before I forget,

I cut this out in the
newspaper for you.

It's an article about
hyperdimensional
computing theory,

how it might lead to AI
with reflexes and memories

you know, 'cause
we're just talking

about whether robots gonna end
up killing us all or not.

- I just wish they'd hurry
up and get on with it.

- Where is she?

Oh, come on, come on,
don't play with me.

- Oh, fuck, I have to go.

- What level is she on?

- Kadell, what are
you doing here?

- That's my baby.
- Shut it.

Kadell.
- That's my kid, Robyn,

you know it is.

- They are married.
- Don't give me that BS.

You're the one that kept
fucking sneaking me in for her.

I know you don't give
a shit about that

and neither does Roxy.

- You're right, the
sanctity of marriage

means about as much to
me as a titanium tampon

but you know what does mean
something to me? My work.

And you marching in there
shouting your mouth off

is bad for my fucking
business, okay?

- I'm a daddy.

I'm a daddy.

(cries)

- Okay.

Really?

(upbeat music)

Guys, this is Kadell.

- What the hell
is he doing here?

- That's my baby, blood.

- He is a Barron.
- Bullshit.

- Don't fucking swear
in front of my wife.

- Dad.
- All right, calm down.

Kadell has every
right to be here

because, genetically,
the child is his.

The child is his, right Rox?

- Yes, what sort of a slut
do you think I am?

Rude.

- Fact is, we are where we are

and we need to deal
with it, like adults.

- You said you loved me.

- You what, Rox?

- No, I said I loved
having sex with you, Kadell,

that's different.
- Bloody Nora.

- Babe, I thought we
had something special.

- No, babe.

- Okay, timeout.

Ladies, huddle.

Outside, right now,
please, outside.

(upbeat music)

Okay, so what's the play?
- Anyone with an ounce of wit

will know that that
is Kadell's baby

and so we need to run with it.

- What's the outcome that
we're looking for here?

- Well, professionally,
Darren and Roxy

are much better as a couple.

- The living
definition of more than

the sum of their parts.

- We don't officially
rep Kadell yet

but after this his profile
is gonna go through the roof.

- So we lock him down?

- Keep it in the family,
ruins his 15 minutes.

- Whilst protecting
Brown Barron.

- Okay, so how do we
get them all play ball?

- How do we ever get
anyone to play ball?

- Give them what they want.

- Right, so what do they want?

- Bradley, baby, it's
always such a pleasure

to see your lovely face.
Have you lost weight?

- Keto, I just eat
meat and cheese all day

and it's sliding off me
like a chemo patient.

Hey, good job, man, yes.

What can I do you for?

- I hear that Nike are
looking for new blood.

I have the perfect boy
for you, Kadell James.

- Never heard of him.

- Rising star of
British basketball,

top point scorer
at the Olympics,

a real rags to riches story.

- Caroline, I'm
gonna stop you there,

no one gives an orphans
fart for British basketball.

Hey, give me some.

- There must be
something you can swing,

I really could do with
a favor here.

- Angel, you know I would
if I could, you know I would.

But they've already
earmarked Donovan Mitchell

for that sector.
Ink is practically dry.

- I understand of course,
thank you for trying.

Oh, one last thing.
- Shoot.

- Remember that video
of you in Vegas,

in the center of a circle jerk
of transgender prostitutes?

- (laughs) That's
funny, that's funny.

You're good at making jokes.

- Didn't you just mentioned
about it the other day

how I stopped it for getting
to your wife and your boss

and being published on
the homepage

of the Mail online?

- I cannot deny nor
confirm that statement.

I'll make some calls.

- You are a dear.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, look, Kadell, I know
that you're feeling emotional.

But you're 23 years old.

You've got a great
career ahead of you.

You don't wanna be a
full time dad right now.

And let's get real here,

everyone's gonna know
that kid belongs to you.

So, I'm asking you
to tell the press

that after getting to
know Darren and Roxy,

during your time working
together on Celebs Go Dancing,

you formed a very special bond.

And as a result, they asked
you to be a sperm donor

and to help them
conceive their child.

- Think of it like
a backdoor assist.

- Why would I do that?

- How does being
one of the faces

of Nike's new inheritance
campaign sound?

Full sponsorship.
- Huge visibility.

- And more trainers than you
could wear in a lifetime.

- And of course, you'd get

to see Tarron anytime
you're around.

- Buy him awesome
presents for his birthday.

- And maybe, every now and then,

you and Roxy can
play a little game

of Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet.

- Hang on, what do
I get out of this?

- You get to go back
to golf lessons.

- Twice a week?

Sunday says you won't
see the difference

unless it's at
least twice a week.

- It's all a bit European.

- We went on a cruise with
a couple of swingers once.

- Who?
- Haddy and Margaret.

- Haddy and
Margaret were swingers?

- Look, I don't wanna
piss on anyone's parade,

but you two have been
married for five years

and I've already covered up

at least three affairs
for both of you.

But I weirdly do believe that
you actually love each other.

So if you're gonna
screw other people,

why not just be honest about
it and get on with your lives.

- Polyamory is actually
super on trend right now.

- You get to have
your cake and fuck it.

(upbeat music)

- Well done today.
You did great.

- Robyn...

Look, I just
wanted to say

that I am really
happy to be back again,

and I appreciate what you
were trying to do for me.

So no hard feelings.

(suspenseful music)

(phone beeps)

- Ready?

- Yeah, yeah, just coming.

- I'll take your--
- No, no, no, it's fine,

I'll get it.

- Sure?
- Yeah, it's fine.

Thank you so much for
doing this for me.

This is great.

- I'll help you bring it up.

- No, no, no, don't be
silly, I'll be fine.

- Come on.

- So, Steph seems nice.

- Oh yeah, she's great.

- Oh, she's gorgeous, well done.

How long's that been going for?

- Not that long,
a couple of weeks.

But we've known each
other for ages so...

- Oh, that's nice.

- Are you seeing anyone?

- I mean, there's
a couple people,

but I'm just keeping it
cas, you know?

Just playin' the field
a bit, you know?

- Blimey.

You'll be fit by the time
you've lived here for a bit.

Not that you're not fit now.

No, I don't mean, like
strong fit not to fit.

Oh, God, oh!
- What?

- Holy mothering someday.

- What's wrong?
- My back, old judo injury.

Ah, just needs a rest for a bit.

- Do you want me to rub it?

- No, don't rub it.

(both laugh)

Oh, God.

Hurts when I laugh.

Were you seriously gonna try
and do this on the tube?

- I don't know.
My parents were gonna come down.

- From Scotland?
- Yeah, they were gonna drive.

My dad didn't
really feel up to it.

He doesn't really like
traveling much nowadays.

Lung cancer is a dick,
isn't it?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine, he's okay now.

They got it all
out, apparently.

It's just hard, isn't it?

- Oh, son of a bank robber.

Okay, I'm good.

- Yeah?
- I'm good.

- You're sure?
- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- I did not know
that you did judo.

- Yeah, blue belt.

It was pointless, though.

No kicking or punching,

it was just like two and a
half years of wearing pajamas

and learning how
to trip people up.

- I spent four years trying
to learn the treble recorder.

I could've learned
Mandarin in that time.

I don't think that I'm ever
gonna fully forgive my parents

for that one.

(breaths heavily)

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

That's a nice touch.

Of course.

(weeps)

(sobs)

- How are you feeling?

- Just fine.
Just a little stiffness

It'll be totally fine.

- Thank you so much
for helping me.

I literally do not know what
I would have done without you.

- Don't be silly,
it's totally fine.

What's the point
in having a Volvo Estate...

Actually I'll just leave
that sentence there.

- Do you wanna stay for a drink?

I think I've got a
bottle of lemoncello

that my aunt brought back
from Italy that we could open.

- I'd better not, driving.
- No.

- But I guess I'll see
you at work, probably.

- Probably.

(door bangs)

- How did you know I was here?

- Melody.

- God, that girl's good.

- Yeah, right?

Don't ever tell her that.

- No.

- Wanna go get trashed?

- I already called an Uber.
Victor is on his way.

Thanks, though.

- Hey, abortion is murder.

- Really?

- Come on, let's
just go, come on.

- No, no, do you know
what, no, no. not okay.

This has literally
nothing to do with you.

- All life is sacred.

- Grow up.

If you really
thought all life was sacred

you wouldn't be
wearing leather shoes,

if you can call those
orthopedic monstrosity shoes.

There are refugees
drowning in boats,

families being carpet bombed,

tiny babies without enough
water or basic vaccines.

If you really care
so much about life,

then do something about that

instead of sitting
around here on your ass

playing Candy Crush

and shouting at women
you've never met before.

Those are actual lives,
this was a fetus.

And unless you want to take
it and stick it up your ass

and carry it around
for nine months

until it finally tears its
way through your genitals,

and trust me it will tear,

then you don't get
a say in the matter.

- It's the easy way out.

- You've clearly
never had an abortion.

Trust me, I've had two.

And no, that doesn't
make me a slut,

it makes me a woman
in the 21st century,

who as a teenager was stealthed
by a guy four years my senior

and who was stupid enough
to have sex with another man

who refused to wear a condom

because it made his willie
feel funny so deal with it.

Get a life.

And mind your own
fucking business.

- Abortion is murder.

(phone vibrates)

- Merciful tit whistles.

What?
- Nothing.

My little brother's
just got engaged.

Gives my mother
a whole new excuse

to tell me what to dried up
old spinster I'm going to be

with moths coming out
of my foo

and only cats to love me,
then eat me when I die.

She said yes.

Does that make you want
to become a bombmaker?

- Like.

- Thank you.

Are you sure you--

- I'm good, thanks.

- Hey there, I'm
new to these parts,

I was hoping you might be able
to give me some directions.

- What are you doing here?

- I was just in
the neighborhood.

I thought you might
wanna grab a bite to eat.

- How did you find me?

- I'm a tech entrepreneur
who made his first billion

designing GPS systems
for smart drones,

ain't my first rodeo.

- That is the creepiest
thing I've ever heard.

Absolutely not.

- Already made us a reservation.

- Well, that was awfully
presumptuous of you, wasn't it?

- I guarantee you
that's the best offer

you're gonna get all day.

- Look, Poundland Tony Stark,

if you think I'm getting
on that with you,

got another thing coming.

- What's Poundland, is it good?

Come on, it's hella fancy.
- How fancy?

- Schmancy-fancy, it's a place

that marinates
endangered sea urchin

in a bath of dill foam
for 1000 days fancy.

I had to give the
maitre's d a handjob

just to get us a table.

- You gave the maitre's d
a handjob, por moi?

- It's also the best sushi
outside of Tsukuba Shinjiro.

That's a sushi
restaurant in Tokyo.

- Ah, just ruined it.

- Ah, wait, please.

I don't get to meet a lot
of people I actually like.

But you're smart,
you're attractive,

you're an asset to my work.

- That's the most romantic
thing anyone's ever said to me.

- I'm sorry.

- Only because you gave
a man a handjob.

I cannot believe you
ride a motorbike.

Could you be any
more of a cliche?

Why don't just pay a skywriter
to draw a picture of your dick?

- It's not a bad idea,
I know a few good pilots.

(motorcycle engine revs)

- [Reporter] The racing
driver has been applauded

for speaking so openly
about his fertility woes

and paying tribute
to sperm donor

and family friend,
Kadell James.

- Here.

- You're not supposed to take
care of me it's just cramps.

- Robyn, you look like the
ghost of a Victorian prostitute.

Take the water bottle.

- Thank you.

What's that?

- It's for Kelly's school.

- Are they learning
drug trafficking?

It's very funny, no.

She has to dress like a pop star

but I'm not gonna send my
five year old to school

looking like Miley Cyrus.

So I decided to get creative.

Paprika, masala, turmeric.

She's a Spice Girl, get it?

- Are you actually trying
to get her bullied?

- What?

- She's gonna look

like Oscar the grouch's
homeless child bride.

- I thought it was cute.

- Oh, how'd the interview go?

Did you end up wearing
your prom dress?

- I got it.

You are looking at the
personal assistant to Ross

at Smilten Luxury Wood Burners

so you are not the only
working girl in this family.

- I knew you were gonna get it,

but might not want to use
the term working girl.

- Well, you will not be laughing

when you're getting a seven
and a half percent discount

on a luxury wood burner.

- No, I will not.

So, what's Ross
like, is he cute?

- Robyn, that is exactly the
kind of unprofessional question

we are trying to eradicate
as in a post metoo world.

- You're right, you're right.

So is he cute?

- I don't know.
Kind of.

He's not like, "Oops,
I dropped my pen

"and while I'm down there cute."

He's sort of, I don't know,

I want him to come outside and
watch me ride a bicycle cute.

- Do you ever imagine what
your life would have been like

if you hadn't had Kelly?

- Constantly.

Doing it right now.
It's my mental screensaver.

- Do you think that
anyone can be a mother

or there're some
people, like mom,

are just not built for it?

- No, mom could have been if
she tried, she chose not to.

She literally threw
herself off a bridge

in order to avoid it.

- Do you have regrets
about choosing it?

- Honestly, no.

Even when Kelly is
lying on the pavement

and she's screaming
until she can't breathe,

and Teddy's sick
and he hasn't slept

and my hands smell like puke
and my hair smells like puke,

I don't even have the
energy to bathe him properly

so I just stick him
under the faucet

like I'm washing a potato,

I know what it feels like not
to have a family and it sucks.

I think I needed them
to tie myself to

or I would have
just floated away.

I didn't ever realize
how selfish that is.

Are you okay?

- Mmh, hmm.

- You know what, I like
that I get to be good mother

and do the right thing so
that they can just go wild

and not give a damn

because they know that
I have their back.

- I wish you were my mom.

- Don't be silly, I am your mom.

- So what about Mark?

- I don't know.

I don't know what I feel.

I'm not angry.
I'm not even shocked, honestly.

I just feel normal and numb.

Just like used
to people leaving.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, I'm not talking about you.

You drink all of my good coffee

and you ruined my marriage
but no you never left.

I'll just replace it with bacon
and she can go as Lady Gaga.

(upbeat music)

♪ Girl every time it
comes around again ♪

♪ It feeds my soul ♪

♪ And it plays my role ♪

♪ Girl every time it
comes around again ♪

♪ It makes me cold ♪

♪ And I lose control ♪

(pen scratching)