Original subtitles

- [Announcer] Coming up, we spend the day

with Britain's hottest couple.

He's the record breaking racing driver,

she's the pop star princess turned reality TV star.

Together, they're the Barron's.

It's been a tumultuous year

for empress of the red carpet, Roxy...

- Piss off!

- But she seems to be back on track after a stint in rehab,

a new tell-all book and a turn on Celebrities Go Dancing.

She and British basketball star, Kadell James,

sashayed into the foxtrot final and won.

Earlier this year, a very pregnant Roxy

renewed her vows with hubby Darren

at a stunning ceremony at home.

We here at VIP Access can't wait to meet baby Barron.

- (groans) You monster.

- You're doing amazing, babe.

(groans)

- Don't you touch me!

(groans) - Is this normal?

- Perfectly.

Come on, Roxy, nearly there.

- Keep going babe, you doing great.

Oh, babe I was doing a video!

- Shut up.

- One more push.

(Roxy groans)

- I hate you.

(Roxy groans)

(baby cries)

(Roxy laughs)

What is it?

- He's a boy, I know it's a boy, I can feel it.

- Let me see him (chuckles)

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat music)

♪ I am just a face in the crowd ♪

♪ In time, I'll have you spinning around ♪

♪ You, won't see me running away ♪

♪ Cause I ♪

♪ Am ready to play ♪

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Cole's satisfied with his media training, then?

I remember the first millionaire that I dated,

my boss at the time took me aside

and gave me two pieces of advice.

"If you find a millionaire get married,

"if you find a billionaire, get pregnant."

Saying that, she ended up in Belize

with the head of a velcro company,

and had a mental breakdown by the time she was 50.

So not sure she's the best person to be getting advice off.

- Isn't that the plot of "The Bell Jar"?

- You want my advice?

Be wary of men whose dicks or pockets are too big,

it makes their entitlement untenable.

When the first petal drops, I want them gone.

(upbeat music)

- Hello, Caroline.

(upbeat music)

- Where are you taking that?

- Hey, Belle, it's me, I'm back.

It's Melody, I used to work here for like two months.

And then I left and now I'm back again.

- Good for you.

- Melody?

What are doing here?

I'm back! - Wow!

- Yeah, I'm gonna be Eve's new assistant.

- Okay, great, good luck with that.

You moving in or, suitcase?

- Oh, no, I'm moving house today.

- Where are you going? - Tottenham.

- Right, football.

(both chuckle)

Cool. - I'm Belle.

- Yeah, I know, I'm Craig.

I have worked here for two years.

- He's in IT?

(Belle gasps)

- All right, bitch.

(chuckles)

Hi. - Hi.

- Sorry, this is Steph, Steph, this is Melody.

- Oh, you're Melody? - Yeah.

- Just so different to how I pictured you.

Hey, Belle.

- Well, it was lovely to meet you all.

But I should really get back to my desk.

- Think she has face blindness?

- (chuckles) You're moving in? - That's what I said.

- No, I was just saying, I'm just moving house.

- Oh, you've got a small house.

- This is not my house, this is just my clothes.

Yeah, I've got like a whole bunch of other stuff.

God knows how I'm gonna get that across London on the tube.

Might just have to dump half of it.

- Why don't you give her a lift?

- No. - Seriously,

he's got an old Volvo Estate.

It's hilarious, it makes you feel like

a beleaguered single mother

but it's got shit loads of space.

- No, honestly, it's fine.

- But it is massive, be happy to help.

- Really? - Go on, let him.

It gets him out of my hair for the evening.

Anyway, I better get on.

Some interns trying to use an ethernet cable

on her airprint printer.

- Classic. - Right?

Okay, bye.

- Right, well, I should probably--

- Yeah, yeah, I should too.

(upbeat music)

Wow, those are beautiful.

- Perfect.

Deal with them, will you?

- Are these from the millionaire?

- Billionaire, actually.

And yes, worried I might have given him

the wrong impression.

- I think you gave him a pretty good impression,

if you ask me.

- That's the problem, he wants to see me again.

- And that's bad because...

- Because I'm not interested in anything like that.

I just want a bit of fun, dicks for hire, one date wonders.

I'm off boys, all they do is cause problems.

Speak of the devil.

- Hi, Robyn.

- Did those flowers just say hello?

Melody! - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - I hired her.

- Right. - She's my new assistant.

- Does Caroline-- - Caroline knows, yep,

she's over the moon. - I thought you said Robyn knew.

- Come on, Frodo, my flowers are dying, spit spot.

- Yeah.

- When did that happen?

- The other day, bumped into her in a coffee shop.

Caroline had mentioned she's gonna be looking

for new junior agents.

So we need to be looking at people to bring on.

- And were you gonna tell me or did you just wanna leave it

to be a really weird awkward surprise?

- Did I not, must have slipped my mind.

Not a problem is it?

Just nice to have someone you can trust in the office, you know.

- So who are the flowers from?

- A client.

- Not Gabriel Cole, right?

- Why? - He's just...

He definitely dealt with my friend Melissa back in New York.

I text her and why would he lie about it?

- Don't worry, my love. My eyes are open.

I won't be telling my mother to buy a new hat anytime soon.

- Ladies, Roxy Barron has had her baby.

- Cute, what is it?

- It's black. - Huh.

- Well, biracial to be precise,

but whatever it is, it is not Barron.

They're currently holed up at the hospital

with a hungry media outside waiting for a photograph.

Go over there and fix it, will you?

Both of you.

(upbeat music)

- This is exciting, the gang back together again.

(upbeat music)

- [Darren] Can't believe you lied to me.

- [Roxy] I did not lie to you.

- [Darren] You promised you didn't sleep with him.

- [Roxy] No, I never promised.

- Roxy. - It only happened once!

- Once, now you promise?

- Why are you making me promise all the time?

- Christ!

- What difference does it make anyway,

once, twice, 100 times, once it's been in, it's been in.

- 100 times?

- Its a figment of speech, Darren.

- He's like 12 years old.

- He's 23, actually.

- You love him?

- Don't be so sloppy, Darren, it's the shock, isn't it?

Just don't, please.

You know I always wanted to try have a black man,

we talked about it.

- I thought that was just sex talk.

- It was, doesn't mean it ain't real.

- Well, so you'll be okay if you found out

I had a threesome with a pair of twins, would you?

- No, Darren, because they'd be sisters

and you know that's weird.

- Guys, hi. Good to see you.

- Congratulations.

- He's beautiful.

- [Darren] Thank you.

- Very happy.

- Look, I know we've all had a bit of a surprise

but how about we just sit down

and figure out where we go from here?

- Where else is there to go from here?

It's over.

- Don't be so dramatic.

- My baby's not my baby.

- Still be your baby.

- It's black.

- Don't be racist. - How is that racist?

- Okay, time out.

I know everyone's emotions are high

but we've got about 30 journalists camped out front

looking for a photo, not to mention,

we've already sold the christening pics to AK

for a lot of money.

- To pay for your new defender, Darren.

- You said get a family car,

I wouldn't have even bought it if I knew it were dirty money.

- It is what it is, babe. - Okay, why don't we--

- Is there someone we can point to

in the family history perhaps, say it skipped a generation?

- I don't think that's go-- - It's a suggestion, Robyn.

We're not tied to anything,

we're just throwing around ideas.

- Okay, sure.

- My grandma's second husband was from St. Lucia.

- Yeah, that's not gonna work.

- Look, everyone makes mistakes, right?

I mean, come on, Darren, let's be honest.

We've all slept with someone we weren't supposed to, right?

Maybe you've made a mistake in your time.

- Golf bitch. - I never had sex with Sandy.

She got my handicap down to nine, don't call her a bitch.

- Blowjobs are sex, Darren.

- Surely the thing that matters the most

is whether you're sorry or not. Right?

(upbeat music)

- What are we gonna tell everyone?

It's pretty obvious the baby is not mine.

(upbeat music)

- We'll say that you had fertility issues.

- What? You want me to say I'm impotent?

- Infertile, big difference.

- Don't do it, Dars. - You stay out of it Tow.

- Don't you shout at him. - Leave off, Sharon.

- Oh, she's the one who's been off

getting her clocks cleaned.

- Come on, Shaz, as if your boy is an angel.

We all know who's off shagging that golf bird.

- I never had sex with her.

- Blowjobs count. - Bollocks.

- Oi! - Look, all we'll say

is that you were having trouble conceiving

and that you decided to use a sperm donor.

- It's very common. - Very modern.

- Why should he be the one saying his bits don't work,

when it was her going off on getting murky

with that other fella?

- Well, we can hardly say mine don't work, can we

I just had a bloody baby.

- Marriage is about compromise, Terry.

Rox has had to make her fair share of compromises.

- Yeah, like the time I wanted to start that ceramics brand

and you said it was a bad idea so we didn't.

- That's because you know nothing about ceramics.

- I wasn't going to make them, Darren,

I was gonna design them. - It was a mental idea.

- Dinner plates with pictures of dinner's on them

is not mental idea, Darren. It's fun and it's quirky

and I maintain it would be successful.

- I could see you as stocking filler.

- Thank you, Dad. - Guys, Re, the baby.

Look, I'm not being funny

but think about how progressive you're going to look

with a biracial baby.

- I mean, why do you think that Brad

and Angie dropped all those beautiful little brown kids?

- Focus on what really matters.

- The brand.

- Don't see the infertility thing as a negative.

- You're being a modern man being open

about the issues you face.

- It's like when Pele advertised erectile dysfunction.

- True, he did.

A wonderful footballer, such feet.

- You'll be the perfect picture

of the modern progressive family.

- Breaking boundaries. - Blurring lines.

- Also, getting in the race game

could really help you crack America.

(upbeat music)

Can't believe we got them to go along with it.

- Well you have a talent in deceit, my dear.

What do those things actually taste like?

- The dying fart of a gummy bear.

So are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?

- The elephant that fucked my boyfriend, you mean?

- Can Tom be the elephant in this idiom?

I'm so sorry.

- Apologies are strange thing, aren't they?

Just expressions of shame.

"I did a thing, didn't go well.

"Can we pretend it didn't happen, please?"

Why did you do it?

- Would it help if I could give you an answer?

- You know, I can't figure out what's worse.

Fucking up my shit through selfish, vindictive greediness

or just fucking it up through sheer apathy.

- I hate myself.

- I know you do, sometimes I do too.

- I'm getting reporters asking questions.

(phone rings) - Oh, I will be just a minute.

Rose?

- [Rose] What do people wear in offices?

- What?

- The women in your office, what do they wear?

Do they wear like pant suits?

- It's not the 80s, women wear whatever they want, why?

- No reason.

- [Robyn] Is everything okay?

- Yeah, it's fine. Are you in tonight?

- I'm gonna be back a bit later, work stuff.

Look, I'm in the middle of something, I gotta go.

- Okay, bye.

- Okay, here's what we have so far.

I'm delighted to announce the arrival of our son, Taron.

- Taron Rooney.

- I don't want him named after a footballer.

- Well, I'm sorry, Roxy,

but you should have thought about that

before you had an affair with a basketball player.

- Christ, I'm never going to be at the end of this, am I?

- Come on Rox, listen to your mother, compromise.

- Ain't Rooney the one that slept with a granny?

- He's England's leading goalscorer

and the Premier League's second leading goal scorer

behind Alan Shearer.

So unless you wanna call our kid Alan.

Taron Rooney Barron.

- "I would like to also take this opportunity

"to share with the world

"that our son was conceived using donor insemination,

"and that we hope our story may inspire others

"who have experienced similar difficulties."

- Oh, that's nice.

- "Roxy's doing well"-- - Can you say mommy?

Mommy is doing well, it's cute when people say that.

- "Mommy is doing well,

"and I can't wait to get to know the little fella."

- Could it say, "Daddy can't wait"?

- Might be confusing, babe.

- All right, Darren,

I'm gonna have this printed off for you.

Rox, Eve is gonna get you in the hair and makeup.

- I'll get the beers in. - I'll come with you.

Ere, couldn't hold him for a sec, could you?

- Oh!

You need to take this.

- Here's a newborn baby.

(suspenseful music)

- I'm delighted to announce the arrival

of our son, Taron Rooney Barron.

I would also like to take this opportunity

to share with the world

that our son was conceived using donor insemination.

And we hope that our story may inspire others

who have experienced similar difficulties.

Mommy's doing well,

and I can't wait to get to know the little fella.

(cameras clicking)

Thank you all for respecting our privacy at this time.

We look forward to sharing our new baby with the world

and we're so in love with him.

- Kadell, isn't that--

- [Darren] My wife, Roxy, who has been so strong

during what has been a difficult pregnancy

and I love and honor... - What?

- [Darren] ...arduous journey to get here.

It hasn't been easy, but with the safe arrival of our son...

- Have you worked as a PA before?

- I was married for five years.

No, I haven't officially but I'm incredibly organized,

some people might say pathologically so.

I worked at a restaurant in New York for a while,

and the girls kept taking each other's shifts,

so I organized a system in the restaurant where it just--

- Ruth. - Yes.

- Okay, you seem like a nice lady

but I'm gonna be totally honest.

You don't have a lot of experience.

- Okay.

- I'm looking for someone who I can trust

to keep on top of things.

My diary management alone is pretty hectic.

We're not a small company.

- Okay, can I be honest too, Mr. Thornton?

- Please, Ross.

- Ross, okay, Ross.

I have extensive experience managing a five year old

who is like catnip for headlice.

An eight month old who I think is nocturnal,

a 43 year old who still does not know

where the bin bags are.

I have a sister who is a self destructive

narcicisstic sex and drugs addict

and I have two guinea pigs

who I swear, nobody but me has seen in the last two years.

And yet, they live.

I cook, I clean, I suck snot out of their nostrils,

only the children's.

I organize everything.

I pay the bills, I do the grocery shopping,

I do the homework, I do the tax returns,

I yell at Alexa because she is a misogynist.

I organize their dentist and their doctor

and their optician appointments.

I keep an unnecessarily complicated calendar of activities

and plans and play dates.

I send over 300 birthday cards and Christmas cards

and thank you cards every year,

and I make sure that they are personally signed,

because the art of penmanship has been lost.

I am trying to tell you that I organize

the crap out of life.

And so I think with all due, Ross,

I can make sure that you got your staples

and you get to your squash appointment on time.

(upbeat music)

- You like calling me to some weird places.

- I have a weird life.

Thanks, you're my hero.

- You going through them pretty quick, mind.

- Like you said, tolerance.

- Sometimes slowing down works good as speeding up.

No, I'm not trying to do myself out of a job

or anything but--

- Mike, I'm good.

- You're the boss.

- Oh, fuck, I meant to go to the ATM this morning

and then this all kicked off.

- You know I don't do credit, Rob.

- I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll pay you back next time with interest.

Pretty Pretty, please.

It won't happen again.

- Once.

Don't go making a habit of it, pardon the pun.

- Of course.

- And now, before I forget,

I cut this out in the newspaper for you.

It's an article about hyperdimensional computing theory,

how it might lead to AI with reflexes and memories

you know, 'cause we're just talking

about whether robots gonna end up killing us all or not.

- I just wish they'd hurry up and get on with it.

- Where is she?

Oh, come on, come on, don't play with me.

- Oh, fuck, I have to go.

- What level is she on?

- Kadell, what are you doing here?

- That's my baby. - Shut it.

Kadell. - That's my kid, Robyn,

you know it is.

- They are married. - Don't give me that BS.

You're the one that kept fucking sneaking me in for her.

I know you don't give a shit about that

and neither does Roxy.

- You're right, the sanctity of marriage

means about as much to me as a titanium tampon

but you know what does mean something to me? My work.

And you marching in there shouting your mouth off

is bad for my fucking business, okay?

- I'm a daddy.

I'm a daddy.

(cries)

- Okay.

Really?

(upbeat music)

Guys, this is Kadell.

- What the hell is he doing here?

- That's my baby, blood.

- He is a Barron. - Bullshit.

- Don't fucking swear in front of my wife.

- Dad. - All right, calm down.

Kadell has every right to be here

because, genetically, the child is his.

The child is his, right Rox?

- Yes, what sort of a slut do you think I am?

Rude.

- Fact is, we are where we are

and we need to deal with it, like adults.

- You said you loved me.

- You what, Rox?

- No, I said I loved having sex with you, Kadell,

that's different. - Bloody Nora.

- Babe, I thought we had something special.

- No, babe.

- Okay, timeout.

Ladies, huddle.

Outside, right now, please, outside.

(upbeat music)

Okay, so what's the play? - Anyone with an ounce of wit

will know that that is Kadell's baby

and so we need to run with it.

- What's the outcome that we're looking for here?

- Well, professionally, Darren and Roxy

are much better as a couple.

- The living definition of more than

the sum of their parts.

- We don't officially rep Kadell yet

but after this his profile is gonna go through the roof.

- So we lock him down?

- Keep it in the family, ruins his 15 minutes.

- Whilst protecting Brown Barron.

- Okay, so how do we get them all play ball?

- How do we ever get anyone to play ball?

- Give them what they want.

- Right, so what do they want?

- Bradley, baby, it's always such a pleasure

to see your lovely face. Have you lost weight?

- Keto, I just eat meat and cheese all day

and it's sliding off me like a chemo patient.

Hey, good job, man, yes.

What can I do you for?

- I hear that Nike are looking for new blood.

I have the perfect boy for you, Kadell James.

- Never heard of him.

- Rising star of British basketball,

top point scorer at the Olympics,

a real rags to riches story.

- Caroline, I'm gonna stop you there,

no one gives an orphans fart for British basketball.

Hey, give me some.

- There must be something you can swing,

I really could do with a favor here.

- Angel, you know I would if I could, you know I would.

But they've already earmarked Donovan Mitchell

for that sector. Ink is practically dry.

- I understand of course, thank you for trying.

Oh, one last thing. - Shoot.

- Remember that video of you in Vegas,

in the center of a circle jerk of transgender prostitutes?

- (laughs) That's funny, that's funny.

You're good at making jokes.

- Didn't you just mentioned about it the other day

how I stopped it for getting to your wife and your boss

and being published on the homepage

of the Mail online?

- I cannot deny nor confirm that statement.

I'll make some calls.

- You are a dear.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, look, Kadell, I know that you're feeling emotional.

But you're 23 years old.

You've got a great career ahead of you.

You don't wanna be a full time dad right now.

And let's get real here,

everyone's gonna know that kid belongs to you.

So, I'm asking you to tell the press

that after getting to know Darren and Roxy,

during your time working together on Celebs Go Dancing,

you formed a very special bond.

And as a result, they asked you to be a sperm donor

and to help them conceive their child.

- Think of it like a backdoor assist.

- Why would I do that?

- How does being one of the faces

of Nike's new inheritance campaign sound?

Full sponsorship. - Huge visibility.

- And more trainers than you could wear in a lifetime.

- And of course, you'd get

to see Tarron anytime you're around.

- Buy him awesome presents for his birthday.

- And maybe, every now and then,

you and Roxy can play a little game

of Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet.

- Hang on, what do I get out of this?

- You get to go back to golf lessons.

- Twice a week?

Sunday says you won't see the difference

unless it's at least twice a week.

- It's all a bit European.

- We went on a cruise with a couple of swingers once.

- Who? - Haddy and Margaret.

- Haddy and Margaret were swingers?

- Look, I don't wanna piss on anyone's parade,

but you two have been married for five years

and I've already covered up

at least three affairs for both of you.

But I weirdly do believe that you actually love each other.

So if you're gonna screw other people,

why not just be honest about it and get on with your lives.

- Polyamory is actually super on trend right now.

- You get to have your cake and fuck it.

(upbeat music)

- Well done today. You did great.

- Robyn...

Look, I just wanted to say

that I am really happy to be back again,

and I appreciate what you were trying to do for me.

So no hard feelings.

(suspenseful music)

(phone beeps)

- Ready?

- Yeah, yeah, just coming.

- I'll take your-- - No, no, no, it's fine,

I'll get it.

- Sure? - Yeah, it's fine.

Thank you so much for doing this for me.

This is great.

- I'll help you bring it up.

- No, no, no, don't be silly, I'll be fine.

- Come on.

- So, Steph seems nice.

- Oh yeah, she's great.

- Oh, she's gorgeous, well done.

How long's that been going for?

- Not that long, a couple of weeks.

But we've known each other for ages so...

- Oh, that's nice.

- Are you seeing anyone?

- I mean, there's a couple people,

but I'm just keeping it cas, you know?

Just playin' the field a bit, you know?

- Blimey.

You'll be fit by the time you've lived here for a bit.

Not that you're not fit now.

No, I don't mean, like strong fit not to fit.

Oh, God, oh! - What?

- Holy mothering someday.

- What's wrong? - My back, old judo injury.

Ah, just needs a rest for a bit.

- Do you want me to rub it?

- No, don't rub it.

(both laugh)

Oh, God.

Hurts when I laugh.

Were you seriously gonna try and do this on the tube?

- I don't know. My parents were gonna come down.

- From Scotland? - Yeah, they were gonna drive.

My dad didn't really feel up to it.

He doesn't really like traveling much nowadays.

Lung cancer is a dick, isn't it?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine, he's okay now.

They got it all out, apparently.

It's just hard, isn't it?

- Oh, son of a bank robber.

Okay, I'm good.

- Yeah? - I'm good.

- You're sure? - Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- I did not know that you did judo.

- Yeah, blue belt.

It was pointless, though.

No kicking or punching,

it was just like two and a half years of wearing pajamas

and learning how to trip people up.

- I spent four years trying to learn the treble recorder.

I could've learned Mandarin in that time.

I don't think that I'm ever gonna fully forgive my parents

for that one.

(breaths heavily)

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

That's a nice touch.

Of course.

(weeps)

(sobs)

- How are you feeling?

- Just fine. Just a little stiffness

It'll be totally fine.

- Thank you so much for helping me.

I literally do not know what I would have done without you.

- Don't be silly, it's totally fine.

What's the point in having a Volvo Estate...

Actually I'll just leave that sentence there.

- Do you wanna stay for a drink?

I think I've got a bottle of lemoncello

that my aunt brought back from Italy that we could open.

- I'd better not, driving. - No.

- But I guess I'll see you at work, probably.

- Probably.

(door bangs)

- How did you know I was here?

- Melody.

- God, that girl's good.

- Yeah, right?

Don't ever tell her that.

- No.

- Wanna go get trashed?

- I already called an Uber. Victor is on his way.

Thanks, though.

- Hey, abortion is murder.

- Really?

- Come on, let's just go, come on.

- No, no, do you know what, no, no. not okay.

This has literally nothing to do with you.

- All life is sacred.

- Grow up.

If you really thought all life was sacred

you wouldn't be wearing leather shoes,

if you can call those orthopedic monstrosity shoes.

There are refugees drowning in boats,

families being carpet bombed,

tiny babies without enough water or basic vaccines.

If you really care so much about life,

then do something about that

instead of sitting around here on your ass

playing Candy Crush

and shouting at women you've never met before.

Those are actual lives, this was a fetus.

And unless you want to take it and stick it up your ass

and carry it around for nine months

until it finally tears its way through your genitals,

and trust me it will tear,

then you don't get a say in the matter.

- It's the easy way out.

- You've clearly never had an abortion.

Trust me, I've had two.

And no, that doesn't make me a slut,

it makes me a woman in the 21st century,

who as a teenager was stealthed by a guy four years my senior

and who was stupid enough to have sex with another man

who refused to wear a condom

because it made his willie feel funny so deal with it.

Get a life.

And mind your own fucking business.

- Abortion is murder.

(phone vibrates)

- Merciful tit whistles.

What? - Nothing.

My little brother's just got engaged.

Gives my mother a whole new excuse

to tell me what to dried up old spinster I'm going to be

with moths coming out of my foo

and only cats to love me, then eat me when I die.

She said yes.

Does that make you want to become a bombmaker?

- Like.

- Thank you.

Are you sure you--

- I'm good, thanks.

- Hey there, I'm new to these parts,

I was hoping you might be able to give me some directions.

- What are you doing here?

- I was just in the neighborhood.

I thought you might wanna grab a bite to eat.

- How did you find me?

- I'm a tech entrepreneur who made his first billion

designing GPS systems for smart drones,

ain't my first rodeo.

- That is the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Absolutely not.

- Already made us a reservation.

- Well, that was awfully presumptuous of you, wasn't it?

- I guarantee you that's the best offer

you're gonna get all day.

- Look, Poundland Tony Stark,

if you think I'm getting on that with you,

got another thing coming.

- What's Poundland, is it good?

Come on, it's hella fancy. - How fancy?

- Schmancy-fancy, it's a place

that marinates endangered sea urchin

in a bath of dill foam for 1000 days fancy.

I had to give the maitre's d a handjob

just to get us a table.

- You gave the maitre's d a handjob, por moi?

- It's also the best sushi outside of Tsukuba Shinjiro.

That's a sushi restaurant in Tokyo.

- Ah, just ruined it.

- Ah, wait, please.

I don't get to meet a lot of people I actually like.

But you're smart, you're attractive,

you're an asset to my work.

- That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

- I'm sorry.

- Only because you gave a man a handjob.

I cannot believe you ride a motorbike.

Could you be any more of a cliche?

Why don't just pay a skywriter to draw a picture of your dick?

- It's not a bad idea, I know a few good pilots.

(motorcycle engine revs)

- [Reporter] The racing driver has been applauded

for speaking so openly about his fertility woes

and paying tribute to sperm donor

and family friend, Kadell James.

- Here.

- You're not supposed to take care of me it's just cramps.

- Robyn, you look like the ghost of a Victorian prostitute.

Take the water bottle.

- Thank you.

What's that?

- It's for Kelly's school.

- Are they learning drug trafficking?

It's very funny, no.

She has to dress like a pop star

but I'm not gonna send my five year old to school

looking like Miley Cyrus.

So I decided to get creative.

Paprika, masala, turmeric.

She's a Spice Girl, get it?

- Are you actually trying to get her bullied?

- What?

- She's gonna look

like Oscar the grouch's homeless child bride.

- I thought it was cute.

- Oh, how'd the interview go?

Did you end up wearing your prom dress?

- I got it.

You are looking at the personal assistant to Ross

at Smilten Luxury Wood Burners

so you are not the only working girl in this family.

- I knew you were gonna get it,

but might not want to use the term working girl.

- Well, you will not be laughing

when you're getting a seven and a half percent discount

on a luxury wood burner.

- No, I will not.

So, what's Ross like, is he cute?

- Robyn, that is exactly the kind of unprofessional question

we are trying to eradicate as in a post metoo world.

- You're right, you're right.

So is he cute?

- I don't know. Kind of.

He's not like, "Oops, I dropped my pen

"and while I'm down there cute."

He's sort of, I don't know,

I want him to come outside and watch me ride a bicycle cute.

- Do you ever imagine what your life would have been like

if you hadn't had Kelly?

- Constantly.

Doing it right now. It's my mental screensaver.

- Do you think that anyone can be a mother

or there're some people, like mom,

are just not built for it?

- No, mom could have been if she tried, she chose not to.

She literally threw herself off a bridge

in order to avoid it.

- Do you have regrets about choosing it?

- Honestly, no.

Even when Kelly is lying on the pavement

and she's screaming until she can't breathe,

and Teddy's sick and he hasn't slept

and my hands smell like puke and my hair smells like puke,

I don't even have the energy to bathe him properly

so I just stick him under the faucet

like I'm washing a potato,

I know what it feels like not to have a family and it sucks.

I think I needed them to tie myself to

or I would have just floated away.

I didn't ever realize how selfish that is.

Are you okay?

- Mmh, hmm.

- You know what, I like that I get to be good mother

and do the right thing so that they can just go wild

and not give a damn

because they know that I have their back.

- I wish you were my mom.

- Don't be silly, I am your mom.

- So what about Mark?

- I don't know.

I don't know what I feel.

I'm not angry. I'm not even shocked, honestly.

I just feel normal and numb.

Just like used to people leaving.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, I'm not talking about you.

You drink all of my good coffee

and you ruined my marriage but no you never left.

I'll just replace it with bacon and she can go as Lady Gaga.

(upbeat music)

♪ Girl every time it comes around again ♪

♪ It feeds my soul ♪

♪ And it plays my role ♪

♪ Girl every time it comes around again ♪

♪ It makes me cold ♪

♪ And I lose control ♪

(pen scratching)