Original subtitles

[pages riffling]

LOU: Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh.

Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh!

You know what? This just doesn't feel right.

Something is missing. Maybe... someone.

LOU 2: Oh, I don't know. How about me?

Or should I say you?

BOTH: ♪ Baruch Atah HaShem ♪

♪ Eloheinu ♪

♪ Eloheinu ♪

[harmonizing]

♪ Malkeinu ♪

‐ Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou.

‐ Ha, ha. Lou, please.

‐ Boys! Might we return to the prayer?

‐ Right on, Rabbi. Okay. A‐one, two, three, four...

[mimicking hi‐hat cymbals]

You know, this next prayer reminds me of my childhood,

from way back yesterday.

I grew up on the east side, the east side of the house.

‐ Wow, they are committed to... that.

‐ Oh, I walked in on the cutest thing last night.

The Lous were practicing for their first slow dance

at today's reception.

‐ Ohh. Well, that'll be tricky without any kids coming.

‐ Wait, what? ‐ No kids are coming.

Remember, the Lous wanted an intimate occasion.

‐ No, they said they wanted it to be an Entenmann's occasion.

Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods to be served.

‐ Ohhh. That actually makes more sense. For Lou.

‐ Wait, no one is gonna be at this reception?

Oh. It'll be okay. Lou's got a healthy confidence.

‐ Lou, healthy, that's ringing a bell.

Wait, that's not quite right. Lou unhealthy!

That's what it was! Oh yeah!

The Rabbi warned us that the divorce was causing

deep, irreparable damage and was manifesting in Lou

using his weirdness to push kids away.

‐ And you're just telling me about this now?

‐ You were there and holding flowers and‐‐

Oh nope, remembering now, it was a vase shaped like you.

Which is quite a compliment. That vase was fine as hell.

‐ If something was wrong, I would know.

LOU: [singing] ♪ You know it's my Bar Mitzvah! ♪

♪ So come, big boy ♪

♪ Make a man out of me! ♪

‐ And me!

‐ We have to do something.

No one showing up to your Bar Mitzvah is the kind of thing

that traumatizes a kid for life.

‐ People said the same thing about me walking in on my parents having sex

[mimicking baby] but Baby is perfectly normal, right, Mommy?

‐ Oh god, what have we done.

‐ Okay, okay. I'll fix this.

‐ Hurry, they're break‐dancing... sort of.

‐ Faster! Faster! ‐ Faster!

‐ Please. I am so tired. ‐ Faster! Faster!

‐ Keep spinning us! ‐ Keep spinning us!

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

‐ Melissa, I need your help‐‐

What the hell? I gave you $800

to buy a new camera to film the Bar Mitzvah!

‐ Yeah, and I used it to buy a new Stark Phone.

‐ That's not Hebrew. You're just scatting.

MODOK: Everyone has googly eyes!

I take it back. Money well spent.

‐ And this filter makes everyone look like puppets.

MODOK: Uhhh! Utterly macabre!

Now come on, I need your help to save Lou's Bar Mitzvah reception.

‐ I didn't even get a reception.

After my Bat Mitzvah, we just broke into our neighbor's house

while they were on vacation.

‐ They had Showtime, Melissa.

We finally got to watch Ray Donovan. I'd call that pretty memorable.

‐ Every time I help you, it ends up blowing up in my face.

‐ If you don't want to do it for me, do it for the Lous.

‐ Fine, what do you need?

‐ You're a teen. Get me teens.

Hot teens! Cold teens! Poutine! Teen dreams! Dream teams!

With Scottie Pip‐een! All types of teens!

I need teens!

‐ Okay, I get it. I think I know where the teens are.

‐ Right, the old pumpkin patch! It's hayride season!

They'll all be in the corn maze,

and then it's as simple as lighting it on fire and smokin' em out.

[evil laughter]

‐ Yeah. That. Or‐‐

♪

Hi, I'm a big‐time casting director for a new show called

That's So Torah!

And it films today.

‐ Really? ‐ Yes.

I'm looking for that "it" factor, an almost impossibly rare star quality.

And great news, all three of you have it.

Is that girl with you? She's got it too.

‐ Are you saying we get to be on TV?

[evil laughter]

‐ No!

[groans]

I mean, no, not TV... it's HBO!

‐ Huh. What's it about?

‐ It's four teenage friends who attend a Bar Mitz‐‐

‐ It's Night Court! ‐ Right.

It's a Bar Mitzvah meets Night Court‐‐

‐ No! Just Night Court. Night Court meets Night Court.

With maybe a little ALF?

No, no! Just Night Court.

‐ Wait, what's Night Court? ‐ What's Night Court?

‐ Dad, we don't have time‐‐

‐ We are watching an episode!

♪ Night Court theme music plays ♪

Aw.

‐ Okay, so you're all cast. We shoot now. Let's go.

‐ Uh... a real show would have auditions.

‐ Oh it's a real show alright. It's a net‐work show.

[laughs]

Aww!

‐ And auditions are this way.

‐ [stilted] "Lou, do you want to dance with me?

Also, your dad is as cool as a young person."

‐ It's an absolute pass from me.

‐ Dad, we need more bodies.

You're cast. Next.

‐ Go ahead and waste our time I guess.

‐ "Lou, do you want to dance with me?

Also, your dad is as cool as a young person."

‐ What? Say it again!

‐ "Lou, do you‐‐" ‐ Stop! She's the one!

Everyone else go home! Oh my god, Melissa‐‐

I'm serious, go home!

That's So Torah! is happening.

What's your name, girl? Say it to me in lights.

‐ Sarah.

‐ Sarah!

♪

‐ [whispers] Dad! What are you doing? It's not a real show!

‐ It wasn't a real show! But with Sarah, anything's possible!

‐ It's not a real show? Okay, I'm outta here.

‐ No, Sarah, no! Let me get you under contract!

Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa.

You cost me getting Sarah under contract.

It was going to be a long, horrible contract.

I was going to have rights to any treasure she found.

I would own her bones after she died!

‐ You just cost us all the kids!

[sighs]

‐ Now that the intoxicating effect of Sarah's talent is fading,

I can see this is my fault.

Not just the casting, Lou's fragile emotional state.

I guess the divorce has really taken a toll on him.

‐ Yeah, he's not the only one.

‐ Of course, Todd the cool mailman! He's also taking it poorly.

‐ Why do I even bother? Everyone is so stupid!

‐ Melissa, you really need to stop being so angry at the world.

‐ You're a super villain, you hate the world!

‐ No, I don't. I just want to change it.

[cell phone buzzing] Yello.

‐ Tell me you got kids.

The Lous are wrapping it up after their seventh not‐demanded encore.

‐ And now‐‐

BOTH: Release the doves!

[doves cooing] ‐ Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows!

LOU 2: You overfed them! [clattering]

LOU: Food is my love language!

MODOK: [on phone] What's happening? I‐I‐I can't see.

Are you letting them do magic?

‐ They're doing something. [clattering continues]

I don't know, just hurry!

‐ People will be there. I promise.

MODOK will save the day.

This I promise you. I promise you again.

There's literally no way I will let you down.

JODIE: [on phone] Oh god.

‐ Why can't we go in?

‐ We're waiting for your Dad. ‐ Why?

‐ Ugh. Can't I have a conversation with one Lou

without you batoning it back and forth?

‐ We don't know what‐‐ ‐ You're talking‐‐

‐ ... about.

SUPER ADAPTOID: Ahoooga! Ahoooga!

Screech!

Beeps. Beeps.

Heavy load detected in driver's seat.

MODOK: Shut up!

‐ Oh, thank god. Tell me you brought kids.

‐ Yes!

And by "yes," I mean

at one time in their lives they were all kids

or larvae or synthetic ingredients in a lab.

‐ What is this? ‐ Me saving the Bar Mitzvah

with the oodles and oodles of creatures I promised you.

‐ Hey, we're people! ‐ Not to me!

♪ light piano music playing ♪

‐ Oh boy, that's not good.

Hey, put that down! Give me that!

‐ Hey, you octogenarians want to party?

‐ Come on, let us out of these restraints!

‐ Under no circumstances let them out.

They will sex you to death.

‐ What you mean you ain't got no Sweetleg?

Ah, screw it! I'll do it live.

‐ Oh god!

‐ ♪ I got a Mississippi tingle risin‐‐ ♪

Hey! You scissored me, bro!

‐ He did what?

‐ This is delicious! ‐ Ohh!

‐ Great catering, MODOK!

‐ That's not the catering! That's the caterer!

‐ Uh‐oh.

‐ Alright, well, just don't eat so much that you won't dance later.

‐ Party's a little... terrible.

‐ It's not all bad.

We don't have to pay the caterer.

Are the Lous having a good time at least?

I've barely seen them. ARMADILLO: Hey there.

Hey, little boys. You like magic, huh?

Well, here's the church, and here's the steeple,

open the door and‐‐ whoops.

Hang on, I forgot the people. Let me start over.

Here's the church‐‐

‐ Alright. Dance the Hora or something.

I'll try and get more fun people here. Good time people!

Who do you call for a good time?

[sighs]

Hello, yes, I'm calling about hiring some escorts.

Good ones. Ones 13‐year‐olds would love.

MADAME: [on phone] Sorry, sir. We're actually going out of business.

The escort industry has been decimated by the invention of Jiggle‐Os.

They are the Uber to the prostitute's yellow cab.

‐ Uhh, no go on the hookers.

‐ I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Look at them, MODOK.

♪ Hava Nagila playing ♪

‐ Look at me: integral!

‐ Oh, I haven't seen Lou this miserable

since he learned that his outie belly button

wasn't actually a back‐up wiener.

‐ Yeah, that really sent him spiraling last year.

‐ What are we gonna do?

‐ What I should have done in the first place,

told him we were wrong about back‐up wieners.

‐ MODOK!

‐ Okay, okay, I'll talk to him like the Rabbi said.

‐ Is this your card? ‐ Yes, amazing.

Is this your card? ‐ Yes, amazing.

‐ Hey, boys, I brought you a crumb cake.

No cake, only crumbs, just the way you like it.

‐ There's a little bit of cake in there. I see it.

‐ This probably isn't the turnout you were hoping for.

I had so many cool teens in my sights,

but your sister's becoming a real anti‐netter.

‐ Look, boys, there'll be plenty of time

for you to have your first dance with a lucky girl.

‐ We didn't want to dance with some lucky girl.

‐ Lucky girls win lotteries,

and greed destroys everyone around them.

‐ I... don't understand.

‐ This was our big day,

and you've been talking to everybody but us.

‐ All we wanted was to dance with you.

‐ Ohh! With me?

‐ No, with Dad.

‐ I only carried you in my body, you ungrateful little shit.

‐ You want to dance with me?

‐ Today is about us becoming men.

‐ And you're the man we admire most.

‐ Will you dance me into manhood?

‐ And me! I want manhood too!

‐ Boys, I'm not going to dance with you.

Without some proper dang mood lighting!

[zapping, glass breaking]

♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia Alternate Version playing ♪

♪

‐ [slurring] I'm student class president,

Teen Vogue's "Figure Skater to Watch"

and I never got caught for hitting that guy with my car.

But does Dad even notice?

‐ Wow, you are... such a bummer.

‐ Hey, congrats on that triple axel.

I get a real pleasure out of watching you skate.

‐ What? Are you one of those ice pervs?

You stalking me? ‐ No, I wouldn't stalk a fly.

Though I did get arrested for stalking The Wasp.

And She‐Hulk!

And She‐Thing! But that's basically it.

Uhp, there was Storm, too!

Look, your father showed us videos of you skating at the bar.

‐ My Dad showed videos of me?

‐ Yeah, all the time.

He's right, you're a really great skater.

And a very violent drunk.

‐ Huh?

[Lous humming, laughing]

‐ So I know the last few months haven't been easy.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Neither is this.

‐ Especially the divorce.

And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou.

But pushing people away, it won't make‐‐

‐ Ah, she came!

LOU 2: Oh, hey, Carmilla!

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.

‐ Dad, maybe we can finish this dance later, okay?

‐ Sure, go... see your friend?

‐ You gotta try the Sunday bar. ‐ Oh, I don't really like ice cream.

‐ No, no, no, it's just an empty bar where you plan your perfect Sunday.

Mine's an outdoor shower,

the New York Times Arts and Leisure section,

followed by some aggressive antiquing.

‐ [laughs] You guys are so weird.

‐ So should we... finish this dance?

♪

‐ Where exactly... do we stand?

‐ Well, I recently watched you have sex with a robot.

Like, a lot of times.

‐ And you were jealous?

‐ I also saw you sneak‐eat loose cold cuts

from under the mattress during said sex.

‐ Then you were jealous?

‐ No. Look, I'm not ready to go back to the way things were, okay?

‐ Yeah, me neither. Keep things chill, as is,

except maybe go back to exactly how things were?

‐ Is that really what you want?

‐ No. Because clearly, you weren't happy.

‐ Look, MODOK, the dinner the other night.

Outside of being covered in robot guts, it was pretty pleasant.

So... maybe more of those?

‐ I'd like that. And cold cut sex.

But family dinners, also solid.

[Ciegrimite cackling]

‐ We're free!

‐ Oh no, what happened?

‐ They told me they'd compliment me if I freed them.

‐ You're, uh, okay to be around and your body‐‐

‐ Yes? ‐ Is... of a certain shape?

‐ Oh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here.

[Ciegrimites laughing]

‐ Everyone run!

These things will MTV's The Grind you to death!

‐ Bread ain't the only thing we can make challah!

[all gasp]

[thudding footsteps]

[Young MODOK cackling]

‐ Wondering how I'm alive after you thought you saw me die?

ALL: Robot. ‐ Lucky guess!

Time to finish what I started.

‐ Let's get him! [all shout]

‐ You may have thought you defeated me,

but I'm more powerful than you ever realized.

All these months, all my manipulations,

they've all been leading to this exact moment.

[grunts] LOU: Dad, no!

[grunting]

[cackling]

[grunting] MELISSA: Oh no! Dad!

‐ Get behind me, kids!

MELISSA: Lous, watch out!

[grunts]

[yelps]

‐ Oh my god!

♪

‐ No!

[grunts]

[groans, coughs]

‐ Please.

I'm not the enemy. It's about our future‐‐

‐ Yeah, yeah, I failed us. And you came here to get revenge on me.

‐ No. I came here to give you what you always wanted.

I came to give you the world. I can show you what that looks like!

‐ Why should I trust you? ‐ We're the same person.

Look at me and tell me I'm lying.

‐ [gasps] My honest face!

Okay, show me. But don't try anything.

‐ I won't. ‐ I would.

‐ Well, I'm telling you I won't. ‐ Well, I want to believe you.

‐ Then believe me. Would it help if I promised?

‐ A little. ‐ I promise.

‐ Wait, did you just wink? ‐ No.

‐ Wait, wait, did I just wink? ‐ I don't think so.

‐ Maybe you didn't see me wink because you were too busy winking.

‐ Or maybe you didn't see me not wink because you were too busy winking?

‐ Should we both wink on the count of five?

‐ No.

‐ Yeah. Let's just get out of here.

♪

YOUNG MODOK: We met previously in an alternate timeline

where you traveled back to a concert with your wife.

‐ Nope, don't remember that. And I remember everything.

The name of the bad guys in SpaceJam are the Monstars. Boom!

‐ You don't remember because it was erased.

[screaming]

But I was not.

Because of these crystals in my head, I became unstuck in time.

[grunts]

[boy screaming]

A remnant from a timeline that never happened.

‐ You are but one of the many I will crush along my path

to self‐assured greatness!

For the future is MODOK!

‐ No longer MODOK, I became

The Anomaly!

In fact please call me that from here on out.

It's how I've been signing my checks.

‐ Is the shop officially closed on that?

‐ Oh, you can do better?

‐ Uh, TimeyMcjumper? Doesn't‐Need‐No‐Watch‐Guy?

[indiscernible mumbling]

‐ Oh, that last one sounded promising.

Couldn't make it out with all the mumbling. What was it?

‐ The Anomaly's fine.

‐ Anyway, the crystals sent me spiraling,

not only through time but space as well.

Into alternate futures, our futures.

Where I witnessed every single one of them.

Each ending in failure.

[yells]

[electricity crackles]

‐ Hawkeye gets me? Well, at least it can't get any worse.

‐ Oh, it does.

[gobbling]

‐ [gasps] Turkey Man?

‐ Ugh. Okay, well, now it can't get any‐‐

‐ Wait for it.

[groaning]

‐ Get comfortable. This toilet death series goes on for a hot minute.

[grunting]

[groans]

[coughs, gasps]

‐ Make it stop!

[Kid MODOK sobbing] MOTHER: Oh, here were go.

‐ They broke my invention.

They... they called me "Big Head."

MOTHER: One day that big, beautiful, womb‐wrecking head of yours

is going to dream up fantastic things.

And you're going to change the world.

And you're going to change the world.

...change the world.

...the world.

‐ All these years, experimenting on myself, building AIM,

trying to conquer the world and make a better future,

only to be undone by choking

on toilet lasagna.

‐ Technically, you only choked a few times.

Other times your heart exploded, you died of constipation,

and one time you drowned in the bowl which was really impressive.

‐ Why? Why show me that my entire lifetime is meaningless?

Why show me that my dreams are a joke?

‐ Because you needed to appreciate it.

The one possible future out of a million

where you succeed.

♪

[beeping]

‐ I... I did this?

I mean, I do this? How?

‐ When I first learned you had a family, I thought they were a weakness.

Something preventing us from achieving greatness.

But after traveling through time, I learned I was wrong.

Your love for your family is what makes all of this possible.

‐ No! I want to see it all. I'm not‐‐

Ohh!

...ready to leave this place.

‐ Your family is the key. ‐ How?

‐ They make it all possible... by dying!

‐ No! ‐ Yes!

‐ Their deaths break you. The grief and trauma fuels you.

Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers, to conquer the entire world,

to become the Emperor MODOK you've always dreamed of!

It's their final gift.

‐ Absolutely not! I'll find another way.

T‐t‐the new organization that I started with Monica‐‐

‐ Never leaves the strip mall.

‐ Have you gone through all of the permutations?

What if I work longer hours? Eat better? Start wearing chinos?

‐ Ooh, I would love to get you into a nice pair of chinos.

But it wouldn't change a thing. I've seen every possibility.

‐ No, I'll find a way. I mean, I beat you, didn't I?

‐ Yes, in a glorious metaphor, you defeated yourself.

It has to be this way.

Now let me be what the world has labeled us: a villain.

Let me do this so that you can finally achieve

your destiny.

‐ I can't.

♪

MOTHER [echoing]: And you're going to change the world.

‐ I can't... do that.

‐ I know. But I can.

That's why I'm here.

♪

[fireworks exploding in distance]

‐ Quite the big day, sir.

They're unveiling the statue depicting the other statue being made

to commemorate the even bigger statue of you at the center of the city.

While you're away, we'll have your Iron Throne cleaned.

But not before I get a big ol' sniffer of m'lord's heavenly hind smell.

[sniffs deeply]

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

‐ Fire up the machine.

‐ He can't take any more. It'll kill him.

‐ Fire... it... up.

[machine powers on]

[electricity crackles] [screams]

‐ [hoarse voice] For the millionth time,

it won't work.

You can't have it all.

‐ Yes, I can.

I'm very special.

[groaning]

‐ Spoiler alert:

I plan to release doves during my Torah reading.

MODOK: Magic? Lou, why can't you just pick

a normal teenage boy theme?

Like sports. Or tugboats?

I hate my life!

‐ Aw, Melissa‐‐

‐ No. No!

[groaning]

‐ He's dead. And without the crystals, there's no way to go back in time.

‐ I will find a way.

I will save my family and bring them here!

MODOK will have it all!

♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia Alternate Version playing ♪

♪

‐ ♪ And I ♪

♪ Never meant to tell you everything was golden ♪

♪

♪ And why ♪

♪ Do we dance around the things we never tried? ♪

♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ Can only put together what is broken ♪

♪