Original subtitles

Hey, Hulkateers, what time is it?

Well, that's a good question.

'Cause the big green guy went back in time to stop The Leader

from changing the past with this time machine belt

he stole from Dr. Doom's vault.

Whatever Leader messed up in the past,

we had to deal with the ripple effect in the present.

Like these super-smart dinosaurs,

which would be totally awesome if they hadn't taken over the world

and tried to exterminate humans.

Hulk must have fixed it in the past

'cause everything's back to normal here in the Latverian Embassy.

Question is, when will the big green guy pop up next?

(clanging)

I'm gonna guess, the Viking age.

(chuckles)

(crow cawing)

(both screaming)

Huh?

Hulk: Rune-covered monoliths? Must be Iceland.

The Leader: Congratulations, oaf.

You've deduced where you are,

but haven't the faintest clue as to when or why.

Hello.

Hmm.

The Leader: There you are, my little Berserker Staff.

No souvenirs, Leader.

I'm smashing you back to the future.

Right now!

-(Hulk grunts) -(The Leader shrieks)

(sighs)

And that is why you will ultimately fail.

Wherever we are, whenever we are, my...

Frost Giant: Attack!

Hulk: Frost Giants.

Definitely Iceland.

(roaring)

-(The Leader grunts) -Hulk: Come and get me, big ice jerks!

Frost Giant: Berserker Staff! (growls)

Now I will be unstoppable in battle!

(roaring)

Hulk: Sorry, frosty.

I'm the only rampaging smasher here.

Your brute strength won't save you now!

Well, that takes care of the giant uglies.

The Leader: Yes. Thank you, Hulk.

-(clangs) -(grunts)

Hulk: Young Thor?

How do you know my name, ogre?

It's okay. I'm a friend.

Or, I will be.

-(yells) -(growling)

(theme music)

A-Bomb: So, either Hulk is stuck somewhere

in a field of electronic snow...

Red Hulk: Or Shulkie can't figure how to make this Doom-tech

track down greenie!

-Skaar fix. -Whoa, whoa!

Down, boy. Fix with smarts!

Not with pointy things!

(growls) Stupid machine!

(grunts)

-(growling) -(scoffs)

What? Skaar foot not pointy.

You know, just once I'd like to see Nature Boy

think before he smashes.

(EXPLOSION)

Great. What else did you break?

Skaar: Skaar not do that.

A-Bomb: Okay, so what is Thor's portal-thingy

doing here in Midtown?

Oh, great. It's Loki.

Beings of Midgard,

prepare to be enslaved by your superiors.

I got your "superior" right here, horn head!

(grunts)

(chuckles)

-(growls) -Take it easy, Skaar.

Remember, Loki's a trickster.

He got you locked up for a thousand years on Asgard.

Skaar remember, and Skaar slash! (screams)

(Skaar babbles, grunts)

She-Hulk: This is what I'm talking about.

You need to fight him with brains!

Obviously, something none of you possess.

(She-Hulk grunts)

(scoffs)

(She-Hulk groaning)

Loki: Foolish ogress.

You dare match wits with the Prince of Mischief?

A-Bomb: About time we got some backup.

Your no-good brother is out of control!

You dare speak ill of Loki?

-(grunts) -(gasps)

(groaning) Wait, wait.

Thor doesn't know us, and he's friends with Loki?

Oh, what is greenie doing back in the past, anyway?

Young Thor: You will surrender the Berserker Staff, jade ogre!

Or you will meet your doom!

You're barely a match for me all grown up.

Now you're just a punk kid!

(chuckles)

(muffled screaming)

Young Loki: Silence, beast!

That arrogant punk happens to be my brother!

The Leader: I warn you, young magician.

Brute force is useless against him.

Use your wits.

(Hulk roaring)

(muffled screaming, groans)

Now, brother. While he is blinded!

-(Young Thor grunts) -(Hulk groans)

Young Loki: Now, to bind the beast!

(Hulk grunts, groaning)

(chuckling)

There is no escaping my manacles, you emerald beast.

The more you struggle, the tighter they bind.

I thank you for your sage advice, large-headed one.

-You may go. -Young Thor: Nay, brother!

We will bring both these ogres and their trinkets

back to the All-Father,

as tokens of our glorious victory this day.

Along with the Berserker Staff we were sent for.

Do not touch the staff, brother,

lest its power of unleashed rage overwhelm you!

Still...

gloved hands might be a wiser course of action.

Young Thor: Very well, brother Loki. And let us make for Asgard.

Open the Bifrost!

(thunder crackling)

guard 1: Hail, Odin, All-Father of Asgard!

Odin: What strange creatures be these?

The Leader: I am merely a humble wizard,

offering my services to the great All-Father,

Odin of Asgard.

Honeyed words from a forked tongue.

I trust him not.

You did well to defeat these odd green ogres, Thor.

-Thank you, Father. -(Hulk grunting)

But I could not have won the day with Lok...

-And the Berserker Staff? -Young Loki: As you instructed, Father.

Loki, where is the other piece?

The fragments do not match.

A third piece is missing from the middle!

Do you realize the danger of your blunder?

Young Thor: Do not blame Loki, Father.

Anyone could have made that mistake.

Odin: You are not anyone.

You are Princes of Asgard!

This hammer, Mjolnir,

was forged for the day when one of you proves worthy.

Possessing not only the strength to wield it,

but the wisdom to wield it wisely.

Only then will it be bound to that son forever

as a force for good!

Sadly, today is not that day, Loki.

Now you can escort these prisoners to the dungeons.

Thor, come with me.

Young Loki: Here, you lumbering oaf. This is your cell.

(grunts, groaning)

Why will my father not see my true worth?

Because you are not his true son.

-Liar! -(grunts)

Don't blame the messenger.

You know this to be true in your heart.

Young Loki: No! (groaning)

Odin will never accept you, a Frost Giant, as his heir.

Because he fears you are his superior.

Imagine an Asgard where intellect rules, instead of brute strength.

You have a power far greater, Loki.

Your mind.

Use it for your gain.

(clanging)

(grunts)

(yelling)

Hulk smash Leader!

-(slamming) -(The Leader whimpers)

Back, ogre! You are no match for...

-(shrieks) -Hulk smash Loki!

guard 1: He has the prince!

Release him, beast!

(roaring)

-(roaring continues) -(guards whimper)

-guard 2: No! (groans) -Hmm...

-Hulk: Hulk smash puny guards! -(guards yelling)

Hulk smash Asgard!

(roaring)

(yells)

(growls)

(roars, groans)

That which threatens Asgard must first face the wrath of Odin.

(growls)

(grunts) Hulk smash Odin!

(roars)

(yells)

(Hulk roaring)

(groaning)

So, you possess the missing piece of the Berserker Staff?

You will not fall easily.

(growling)

Even with a Berserker rage,

no monster shall stand before the king of Asgard.

-(Hulk grunts) -(gasps)

(both yelling)

(groaning)

-(slams) -(roars)

(yelling)

-Young Loki: Father! -Young Thor: Help our father, brother.

I will subdue this beast!

-(yells) -(thwacks)

(growls)

Young Loki: Don't speak, Father. Rest.

Your Odin sleep will revive you.

Someone must serve as All-Father.

Whoever defeats the green ogre

will be worthy to carry my spear.

You will pay... ogre.

(Young Loki and Young Thor grunt)

-(growls) -The Leader: When will you learn...

your brutish strength is no match for my superior mind,

you lumbering buffoon?

(roaring)

(groaning)

(clatters)

(panting)

Young Thor: The Berserker Staff fragment!

Clearly, the green ogre hid it, to use as a weapon against us!

The Leader: By Odin's own decree...

I humbly accept the title of All-Father.

Behold, the dawning of a new age of intellect for Asgard!

(both gasp)

(thunder crackling)

The Leader: Kneel before your All-Father.

Seriously? Leader rules Asgard?

Cuz must have really messed up the past this time.

The Leader: Under my impeccable leadership,

we have conquered eight realms.

Naturally, I saved the best for last.

Once we have taken over Earth, um...

Midgard... I will finally bestow this hammer

to the one of you I deem worthy.

I will enchant them to destroy one another for your amusement.

I will bring you the ogres' heads on pikes,

to prove my worth.

Tempting.

But I prefer to let the Frost Giants finish them.

(Frost Giants growling)

Hulk: What's the matter with you, Thor?

Are you just gonna let that wizard take over Asgard?

He can't be trusted.

Silence! Your punishment awaits.

Young Loki: I bring the prisoner as you command, All-Father.

Hulk: Seriously? All-Father? You?

Wow.

The Leader: I earned the throne by using my superior intellect

to defeat you, savage!

I will fulfill the All-Father's legacy by taking over the nine realms,

and enslave...

Um, uniting them under my leadership.

For that, I will require an army,

and these Frost Giants will be unstoppable

once they've been charged up

with the most powerful force in the universe...

gamma energy.

Where are you gonna get gamma in the middle of the Viking Age?

The small-minded believe Asgard is based on magic,

but my genius sees it for what it is,

super-advanced science, that I will put to my use.

(screaming)

(straining)

(Hulk screaming)

(screaming continues)

Yes! A gamma-powered army and your painful demise

in one fell swoop.

I am nothing if not efficient.

Thor! This isn't what Odin wanted!

He'd never enslave other worlds!

His words ring true, brother.

Father always fought to maintain peace in the nine realms.

Odin was weak.

He never understood the true power of the mind.

Not as we do, Loki.

Follow your intellect,

and you may yet prove worthy of this hammer.

How wise is it to torture someone who's telling you the truth?

Feeling worthy yet?

Young Thor: This is wrong! (grunting)

The Leader: Stop it, you little fool!

You dare defy the All-Father?

Leave my brother alone! (grunts)

The Leader: He's not your brother!

And you ain't no All-Father.

I beat Odin. I can beat you, too!

You only defeated Odin because I gave you the Berserker Staff

and sent you into a crazed rage!

(The Leader screams)

You... You deceived us!

Hulk: You two go wake your father.

I'll keep The Leader busy.

Always wanted to swing that hammer.

Good thing it hadn't been enchanted to anybody yet.

We smashed them snowmen into powder once before.

We can do it again! Even with our hands tied!

(growling)

Did I mention they were gamma Frost Giants?

We can't muscle our way out of this.

We need to think of something else!

(grunting) Skaar want to chain horn head man!

See how horn head man like!

She-Hulk: That's it!

Skaar, you're a genius!

both: Skaar, a genius?

Yeah! Just do what I do!

Tug of war! Now!

(all grunting)

-(slams) -(Red Hulk groans)

Thor: Free us from these bonds, brother!

Loki: But that would release the ogres!

What choice have we? They smell of rancid yak musk.

(Loki grunts)

Loki: Your magic serves you well, my brother.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me show you clowns a little magic, Red Hulk-style.

-(roars) -(Loki and Thor grunting)

Only thing stronger than our stank is our smash!

Nice arm. How 'bout using it on some Frost Giants?

Red Hulk: Smashball special, comin' up!

(grunting)

(roars)

You're next, freezer-face! Feel the burn!

(grunts)

(Skaar yells)

She-Hulk: What...

Smart.

(both groan)

You imbeciles think you can earn this hammer by failing me?

Loki: Please forgive us, All-Father!

Thor: We will prove ourselves worthy!

Then please do something useful for a change.

She-Hulk: You gonna take that from big bro?

Use your power and fight back!

Use brain. Leader never give you hammer.

Even Skaar know that.

-Perhaps the ogres are right. -Nay, brother.

For better or worse, Leader is still All-Father.

Hmm. Then let us decide once and for all

who was worthy to wield the hammer!

(both grunting)

(laughs) Victory is mine!

I claim Mjolnir!

The Leader: You think brute strength makes you worthy?

As long as I am All-Father, you will never wield the hammer.

Loki, embrace your destiny at my side!

(Loki chuckles)

Loki: Yes, All-Father.

Thor: No!

-(both grunt) -(Thor groans)

(Loki chuckles)

I was hoping you'd do that!

Wait, you tricked him into giving me the hammer?

Who knew you could be so clever, brother?

Use your brain, trickster! Use the hammer on him.

He is my brother!

If not by blood, then by battle!

Yes, brother!

Now let us combine our might, and depose this pretender

from the throne of Asgard.

Never!

(grunts) Now, brother!

For Asgard!

No! (grunting)

(The Leader screaming)

(thuds)

Why, brother? Why give me the hammer?

It was the smart thing to do.

-(Hulk grunting) -(slamming)

Our weapons may be equal, but my intellect will always be superior!

If you're really that smart, you'd know when to shut up!

(The Leader thuds)

Yeah. Sometimes brawn does beat brains.

Uh... About that "smashing you" thing before?

I can explain.

No explanation is necessary.

The sons of Odin have told all.

There is one more matter to be settled, Father.

If, in fact, you are my father.

Odin: It is true, Loki.

You are not my son by birth.

You're far too clever to have come from this stubborn old warrior.

But still, I am proud to call myself your father.

But those who abuse their intellect,

will face the wrath of Odin.

Well, that's certainly not the wise play.

(Hulk sighs) Not again.

We are forever indebted to you Hulks

for helping us see the true nature of this so-called Leader.

We're just glad you finally shut his big, stinkin' pie hole.

The time has come to wake Father and return his spear and hammer.

You should keep the hammer, brother. You've earned it.

Thor: Farewell, my muscular friends.

We will meet again soon.

Leader won't get far, if I can help it.

I can send you wherever you need to go to hunt down the fiend.

(beeping)

Appreciate the offer, but it's more of a...

whenever.

(heroic music)

Gonna take brains and brawn to stop Leader from messing with the past.

Just hope I can use them both well.

Hulk out!

(closing theme music)