Original subtitles

Gather around, gentle viewers, have I got a story for you!

(laughing)

(beeps)

A-Bomb: 'Twas the night before Christmas,

when all through the town, not a creature was stirring,

except for this Negative Zone clown.

A-Bomb: His monsters beside him, Blastaar thought New York he could trash.

(roaring)

A-Bomb: But in his way stood the Hulk, and his Agents of S.M.A.S.H.

I'll take Scrooge. You get his little helpers.

A-Bomb: Ho, ho, ho!

Merry smash-mas!

-A-Bomb: Hey! -Skaar: Skaar slash!

Oops.

She-Hulk: Rink's closed, frosty!

(yelling)

(rumbling)

Hulk: I'm sending you home.

Happy holidays.

Sayonara, Snaggletooth!

A-Bomb: Don't let the portal hit you in the butt on your way out!

Jameson: Congratulations, you muscle-bound menaces!

Not only did you destroy a city block,

not only did your wooly-faced playmate get away,

but you ruined Christmas, too. Nice going.

(whimpering)

-Blastaar started it. -Come on, Rick.

Hulk: Let's clean this up.

(A-Bomb sighs) Sure. We'll just clean it up.

"Clean it up"? Yeah, sure. Maybe you can wreck New Year's eve, too!

Something gets smashed, we get the blame.

It's not fair!

(groans)

I'm about ready to sue somebody.

You accidentally trash one major city,

and suddenly you're off the invite list to the White House Christmas dinner.

Humbug.

Hulks always called losers.

Skaar need eggnog. And ham.

It'd just be nice if someday

my team could get the respect they deserve.

(wolf howling)

(whooshes)

Can't get everything you want for Christmas.

Or apparently, anything.

Hey! A shooting star! Make a wish!

-(all scoff) -Ugh.

Star light, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might,

have the wish I wish tonight!

A-Bomb: I wish for the perfect Christmas.

A-Bomb: Greetings, true believers,

and welcome to the Hulk-Out Holiday Smash-Travaganza!

Coming to you live from the awesomely mega-mondo,

Hulk Tower!

I know I speak for all in New York City

when I wish a "happy holidays" to the greatest superheroes in the world,

the Incredible Hulk and his awesome Agents of S.M.A.S.H.!

(crowd cheering)

Thanks, JJ.

And thanks to you at home for making my little web show

the most popular and beloved series of all time.

Wow! Sometimes I forget how perfectly everything turned out.

(theme music)

You know, some of you may be wondering

what your favorite Hulks do when they're not out saving the world.

-(imitates electric guitar) -(Heavy metal music plays)

Yours truly will be going on tour with my band,

and yes, the rumors are true.

I am dating superstar, actress, model, and philanthropist,

- Eliza Dushku. -(wolf whistle)

Hey, Jen. You know, we really should do a movie together.

Have your people call my people.

Besides her A-list acting career,

somehow she found the time to get her law degree,

and now she sits on the Supreme Court!

I'm tough, but I'm fair.

(Skaar yells)

(thuds, shatters)

(laughs) Ladies and gents, the reigning World Wrestling Champion,

Skaar!

Ooh, yeah! And wrestling not fake.

(doorbell chimes)

(softly) All clear.

I see the President of the United States has finally arrived!

Sorry I'm late. Just flew back from a ceremony in South Dakota.

Aw, who's my red-nosed dinosaur?

(purring)

It's nice that the world has finally accepted the Hulks.

But I'm happy when my family's happy.

As we light the yule log,

we celebrate another holiday season together.

Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

(distant coughing)

A-Bomb: Something's coming down the chimney!

(A-Bomb panting)

Awfully small for Santa Claus.

And Santa doesn't have a bushy tail.

Hulks! I don't have time to explain, but I need you to trust me!

Rocket: None of this is real!

Hulk: Hey! The critter can talk!

And you ain't listening.

Rocket: You're all under the influence of a holographic neural inducer.

Shoo, talky fur ball!

Huh. Maybe I need to speak a different language.

Red Hulk: Whoa! Shots fired!

That raccoon needs some Christmas spirit!

-Knock it off! -Ow!

Not a raccoon. The name's Rocket.

Rocket Raccoon? Cool name!

It's Rocket. Just Rocket.

I'm one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why would one of the Guardians of the Galaxy

be shooting at us?

I'm not! I'm trying to save you hairless wonders!

Whoa! What is that?

Don't know, but there's something familiar about it.

Uh-oh. Here comes some more.

(whooshing)

Let 'em have it!

(grunting)

I like your style, Legs.

Sorry, Whiskers, you're not my type.

(grunt)

Hey, Raccoon! These robots seem awfully real to me.

Hey, stop callin' me a raccoon!

I'm an alien that just happens to look exactly like an earth raccoon!

So, the talking space raccoon is weird, I grant you.

But, we're all celebrity superheroes, the world loves us,

we live in this swanky New York skyscraper,

my girlfriend is a movie star,

how can any of this not be real?

(Rocket scoffs) I'll show ya.

What's happening?

Hulk: Holograms.

So... We're not rich and famous?

Aw, I was writin' my state of the union speech!

Wrestling fake.

I've been working so hard to make Hulk a hero.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

(growls) No one messes with my family!

Hulk smash!

A-Bomb: Yahoo!

Where are we?

Rocket: Some kind of giant starship, I figure.

You were abducted, just like me and my team!

And imprisoned in one of these holo-cells.

Abducted by who?

I don't know. But that central array up there,

reads and rewrites minds.

Creates holograms of everybody's greatest wish.

Whoever did it also thought I was an earth raccoon.

Put me in with all the other furry pets.

I was able to escape.

Man (on PA): An oversight I will correct. I do hate not having a complete set.

I'm back.

The Collector.

And you Hulks have ruined my collection

for the last time!

(grunts)

Guess you didn't collect enough bruises last time you messed with us.

The past is irrelevant. Now you will return to your displays.

After all, I wouldn't want you to get damaged.

Good thing he didn't take away our accessories.

-Give 'em what for, Fuzzy! -Smash 'em, Hulks!

A-Bombs away!

Walls could not contain you,

so I put you in a world where you'll always be content.

A dream from which you'll never want to wake.

You will be prisoners in my collection, forever.

And never even know it. The perfect revenge.

Ugh! Now you're dreaming!

Now that you meatheads figured it out,

you got to help me bust out the Guardians.

-Rocket: Stop a war. -War? What war?

Between the Kree and the Shi'ar.

Two of the most powerful alien races.

We were transporting the Orb of Truth,

a symbol of universal trust, to a summit,

when this Collector kidnapped us.

There can be no peace without it.

What's their war to us? Hey, get off of me!

We got to find a way to get home!

Your home is smack dab in the middle of the two empires.

If you don't care about billions of Kree and Shi'ar,

you may care about getting caught in the crossfire.

No. We'll help 'cause we care about doing the right thing.

Okay, so which one of these cells are your pals in?

I don't know, Legs, but I bet we can find out on that console.

Get Ramjet Rodent up there. We'll hold 'em off!

Hang on, little buddy!

Thanks for the lift, Blue.

But they don't call me "Rocket" for nothing.

(grunting)

(A-Bomb groans)

What's so special about the Guardians, anyway?

Here they are. See for yourself.

Rocket: You have a She-Hulk, but is she as dangerous as Gamora,

the most dangerous woman in the universe?

Can any of you fight as ferociously as Drax the Destroyer?

Or with the power of mighty Groot?

Or as bravely as our courageous leader, Starlord?

I got it! Location of their cell. Come on!

-(explodes) -Rocket!

I think he's okay. It was just a stun blast.

She-Hulk: That's that!

So, who have we got to go free again?

(bubbling)

Lilandra: Guardians of the Galaxy.

The Shi'ar and Kree people are forever in your debt.

Starlord, Gamora, Drax, Groot, and Rocket.

We honor your bravery.

Thank you, Queen Lilandra.

Hey, where is Rocket, anyway?

Thanks to the Orb of Truth,

our two empires have found a just and lasting peace.

(rumbling)

Lilandra: Starlord! Are we under attack?

Starlord: I'm gonna say, "Yes."

Protect the Empress!

Gamora: What have you done to Rocket?

They're trying to sabotage the peace summit!

Sabotage? No, we're here to rescue you!

(Hulk grunts)

(grunting)

-I am Groot. -A-Bomb: A-Bomb. Nice to meet...

Whoa! I heard you the first time, Woody!

They don't know they're in The Collector's dream world. Don't hurt 'em!

(grunting)

No promises! If it's him or me, I choose me every time!

Keep 'em busy. I'll find the holo-projector.

Not here!

Where is that stupid thing?

Hmm. Maybe there. Yeah.

I looked everywhere else. Gotta be up there. Worth a try.

I am Groot!

Seriously, Bark-Face, is that all you can say?

The Orb! What have you done?

We just saved your sorry butts. You're welcome.

Fools! You have doomed the galaxy to war!

Ease down, hoss. We're all on the same side here.

It's a trick. They're liars!

Say that again.

(WHISTLING)

Hulks, meet the Guardians of the Galaxy!

(scoffs) Says the talking raccoon.

(chuckling)

I am Groot!

I know, buddy. I told 'em not to use the "R" word.

Thank you for having my back.

(drone whirring)

Now, robot enemies would attack us?

Robots, alien Collector, hologram memory wipes...

Long story.

This vessel is immense, but I think I've finally got a fix on my ship.

This Collector character better not have hurt her.

It all seemed so real.

Hmph. Finally getting some respect.

Should have been the first clue we were getting taken for a ride.

We know the feeling.

Seriously, you call yourselves "The Guardians of the Galaxy"?

What do you call your team?

The Agents of...

...S.M.A.S.H.

-Seriously? -Trash talk later. Let's move.

(gate whirring)

Rocket: There she is. Home, sweet home.

And with any luck, the real Orb of Peace is still on board!

No-one is going anywhere.

Especially not with my new, ultra-rare accessory.

That isn't some trophy, you grabby geek.

If we don't get that Orb to the peace summit,

it'll mean galactic war!

Mmm, let me think about it...

No.

Good. Now we have an excuse.

No. Let the Guardians take the Orb and go,

and we'll stay.

Uh, do we gotta?

She-Hulk: It's what we do, Red.

Oh. A touching sacrifice. Truly heroic.

But now that I have both sets of heroes,

I won't part with either!

What's happening? Can't move!

A-Bomb: Greetings, true believers,

and welcome to the Hulk-Out Holiday Smash-Travaganza!

Red Hulk: Hey, Jones. Fire up the yule log already!

A-Bomb: Workin' on it, Red!

Wait a minute. Does this all feel familiar?

Like it happened before?

No. But you should try The Leader's guacamole.

Oh. Mmm. It's delish!

Somethin' wrong, Greenie?

No. It's perfect. Just perfect.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, guys! Merry Christmas!

Who, who is "Mary"? What is "Christ-mas"?

It's a day of celebration! When families come together.

Families? Guess that leaves us out.

Well, we were in the same boat,

but now we have each other.

Maybe you do, too.

Guardians don't have a family.

Figured they could spend it with mine.

That's what the holidays are all about, right?

I am Groot.

Uh, the tree is artificial.

(all laugh)

(whirring)

(coughing)

Hey, about time!

You remember to bring the cranberry sauce?

Right here.

Ah. Heard this was the custom,

so I brought a little token too.

Hey. Let me get that for you, Starlord.

You know, Lilandra said the Orb brought peace.

Because it could cut through lies, deceit and illusion.

I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

I can.

And I'm gonna put a stop to it.

It's not here. He moved it!

Moved what? Are you okay?

It's fake! This is all fake!

(scoffs) It's

true that Christmas is a little over-commercialized,

but there's no need to be rude!

(Hulk scoffs) Hey.

Who brought the raccoon to dinner?

You know very well that I am not a raccoon.

Aw, want some garbage, little raccoon?

I am not a raccoon!

Hulk: This is it.

(whirring)

Man, we were in dreamland again.

Now I remember everything! Humbug!

I gave you the perfect life.

Why can't you just enjoy it?

The real world's tough,

but living in a fantasy isn't really living.

Collector: Since your minds are so stubborn,

I'll just have to erase them completely.

But, at least you'll still look mint on the outside.

That's the real Orb! We've got to get it back!

I hear you.

I don't usually play with my acquisitions,

but you leave me little choice.

A-Bomb: He's not kidding! He's going to zap our minds!

Hulk: Don't let the brain beam hit you!

She-Hulk: Uh, what about all the probes?

Keep 'em busy. I got an idea.

Come on, Rocket.

-Rocket: What's the plan, Blue? -A-Bomb: Trust me!

(crackling)

Nice move!

A little something I picked up on Strontia 9.

Got that one from Wolverine.

I am Groot!

You said it, Timbertoes.

Hey, you big creep. You can collect this.

(groans)

Hulk: Got the Orb. Let's go!

If I can't have you in my collection,

I am taking you out of circulation!

-A-Bomb: Hey, klepto! -Huh?

Fool! That won't work! This is my dream.

You need to wake up and see the truth, jerk!

(yelling)

I see my truth now. I was being greedy.

Wanted you all for myself.

Yeah. You been naughty, Collector. Now it's time to be nice.

Return these aliens to their home worlds.

Before Santa-Hulk gives you a lump of coal.

Yes. Yes, of course!

-Here, Starlord. -Thanks, Santa-Hulk.

(chuckles)

Lilandra: The empires of the Shi'ar and Kree are grateful.

Guardians and Hulks,

your heroism has saved the lives of billions.

(all cheer)

Well, at least one of us got our Christmas miracle.

That's right! It is Christmas!

Hey, tonight you guys are celebrating with us.

Hulk-style!

A-Bomb: It's the Hulk holiday special,

featuring our special guests,

the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Well, Vista Verde ain't the White House.

(both grunting)

-Or Hulk Tower. -But it's home.

Uh, yeah. Give me some more of this eggnog stuff.

(panting)

Oh, you have no idea how long it's been since I've had a chili burger.

(cell phone chiming)

A-Bomb: Oh-ho-ho! Check it out!

I got an e-mail from Eliza Dushku!

She's a fan of the show!

Wait, wait, this is too good to be true.

Are you sure we're not still on The Collector's ship?

No, Rick. This is the real thing.

Life is never perfect, but having good friends can get you close.

Hulk out.

-all: Cheers! -(laughing)

From my family to yours, I fondly recite,

merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(closing theme music)