Original subtitles

(whimsical music)

(haunting choral music)

(suspenseful music)

(lively banjo music)

- Coolum Tree Exterminators.

Oh, hi Mom, yeah.

No, I didn't forget.

Mother's Day is tomorrow.

No, you're looking at the sun setting, Mom, not rising.

You're confused.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be around first thing in the morning

to cook you pancakes, that's right.

Yeah, of course I'll bring flowers.

(creature moaning)

No, Mom, I don't hate you.

That's Sean, your other son.

You're confused again, yeah.

Look, Mom, I gotta go.

I gotta clear a row of 15 footers.

Yeah, okay, bye.

(creature moaning)

(branch thuds)

- [Man] Hello, I need your help!

- [Woman] My books are reading themselves.

- [Male] My truck's stolen itself!

- [Female] The costume shelf comes alive at night.

- [Gentleman] My glasses are making me see.

(haunting choral music)

- Come on, darling, I don't want you to die, Tiff.

I got a beautiful name too for you.

Just like Audrey Hepburn, you're just as beautiful.

I don't want you to die, darling.

Just show some signs of life.

I know Banks didn't water you, come on.

- Gregor, I am really busy over there with stuff.

- Yeah, too busy to water Tiffany.

Now she's dead.

This is what makes me seriously

think about us getting a dog.

(telephone buzzing)

What is it?

- It's from Kath.

- Ah.

- Thanks for the flowers, they're lovely.

Bit confused though.

- Well, that's good, isn't it, eh?

Now you'll be able to get your rocks off (laughs).

- Did you send Kath flowers?

- I said it was you.

- Why?

- Well, you haven't spoken since last grabbing dinner date.

- No, no, that's not helping.

- Don't worry, she'll love the card.

- What, what card?

- A picture of two naked old people jumping into a pool.

(Toby sighs)

Was about freedom or something stupid like that.

- No.

- Oh, she'll love it.

- Yep, great, of course she will.

- Well, why don't you text her back?

You do like her, don't ya?

- Hmm, I don't know.

- [Gregor] Or are ya chicken?

- Shh, get lost.

(Gregor clucking) (telephone ringing)

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Banks speaking.

Sorry?

You've been attacked by a tree?

- What type of tree?

(suspenseful music)

- So, is that your whole statement?

That ah, the universe is taking revenge on you,

because you kill trees for a living?

- Not the whole universe.

Just the tree that attacked me.

- Silly me.

- Took me spray pack too.

- Did it?

- [Gregor] Hey, Banks, you better check this shit out.

- Not you, Ed, not you.

Policeman, victim, investigating, convalescing.

(suspenseful music)

Did you plant this?

- I cut trees down, mate.

I don't plant them.

- (sniffs) Oh, do you smell that?

- I think the tree hit Ed so hard

that he might've um, eh, number twoed himself.

- [Ed] Do you guys smell that funny smell too?

- Poor bugger doesn't even know it.

(haunting choral music)

Did you texted back Kath yet?

- No.

- I understand (chuckles).

Be pretty hard to follow my limerick (laughs).

- What, what, you wrote her a poem?

- A limerick is not a poem.

- Oh, God, what did you say?

What did you say?

- Em, there was a young lass from Angina.

- What, Jesus, no, no, no, Jesus.

You, you honestly wrote that?

- Well, could I just tell you the last bit?

- No!

(tires screeching) (both grunting)

(Toby grunting)

(man groaning)

Hello, hello, can, can you hear me?

Ah, I'm a police officer.

Um, can you tell me what's happened here?

- I was hit by a tree. - What sort of tree?

- I didn't see.

I stopped to take a piss.

- Hey, hey, hey, Jesus, don't be boorish.

- Sorry, well, I was going number one.

I heard something like, like breathing.

When I turned around, a tree took a swing at me.

Knocked me out cold.

I just don't know why it would attack me.

- Did you leave your truck open?

- Oh no, oh no, it's gone!

- What's gone?

- My mulcher.

- Oh, ah, okay, come, come on.

That's, that's all right.

The most important thing's that you're safe.

A mulcher's replaceable.

- Not this one.

I'm in so much trouble.

I can't get fired again, I can't (crying).

- Okay, okay, that's okay, come on.

(man crying)

Okay.

- [Man] Thank you.

- You better check this shit out, Banks.

It's the same tree as the other one.

- Hmm, oh, same smell.

- Yeah, maybe he's number twoed himself too.

- Hmm, yep, I think so.

(suspenseful music)

Oh, ho, ho, ho, it's the soil.

- [Gregor] Hmm?

- It's the soil, smell that.

- I can't.

- Well, just smell it quickly.

- I can't!

- What's wrong with you, just smell it.

- I can't, I'm anosmic!

I can't smell, okay?

- Here's my card in case you find my mulcher.

- I've already told you I can't smell!

Just get off me back!

I can't smell.

- Okay, I know.

(suspenseful music)

- You've got no idea what it's like for my people, Banks.

The stares, the whispers,

being made to sit in the back of the bus.

But you, you learn to cope.

You sharpen your other senses.

That's why I do my eye exercises every morning, you know?

(mysterious music)

- Yep, yes, I know those ones.

Look, Gregor, I'm, I'm sorry you can't smell.

- Well, the next time you yell at me

when I park in a disabled spot, think again.

Now here, I want you to smell this.

(Gregor sniffs)

Now, relax, son, close your eyes and concentrate, now sniff.

(Gregor sniffs)

(Gregor groans)

What do you smell?

- Ugh, manure?

- (scoffs) Focus, son, focus.

You need to smell deeper.

Is there a trace of herring, or a note of herring?

(Gregor sniffs deeply)

- Ah, it, actually, I think I do.

- Sulfur?

- Yes, definitely.

- Good, good, what about licorice?

- No, not, not licorice, um (sniffs deeply).

- What?

- Cinnamon.

- There's only one florist in Coolum

that mixes herring with sulfur and cinnamon.

(suspenseful music)

- Adrian's Enchanted Florist, ah.

(knocking on window)

(haunting choral music)

Ah, we might have to try him at home.

- No, this is his home.

He used to live here with his mother till about a year ago

when she passed over.

Now he lives here all alone, masturbating.

(thunder rumbling)

- Well, he's not here now.

We'll have to come back in the morning.

(glass crashing) (Gregor grunting)

Gregor!

- [Gregor] (laughing) A beauty!

- Gregor, far out!

You're breaking and entering.

- No, we're breaking and entering.

- No, we are leaving now!

- Banks, there's a tree on the loose.

- Adrian has done nothing wrong.

He's just, ew, (sniffs), oh.

- Ah, you can smell it, can't you?

I told you Adrian's got something to do with this.

- Doesn't matter, it does not matter!

We can't be doing this!

Okay, I'm gonna leave an apology note for the door.

(thunder crashing)

Ah, is this the card that you got for Kath?

- Yeah, similar, but mine was funnier.

You can see his wang (laughs).

- [Toby] Dear Adrian, sorry Gregor threw a bin at your door.

- So this is where it gets its food.

- Where what gets its food?

- The tree, it needs soil.

- Do not go back there, Gregor.

Gregor, do not go back there (sighs)!

(Gregor grunts) (flashlight thuds)

(suspenseful music)

- [Gregor] You better check this shit out, Banks.

(Toby groans)

- Gregor, what did I just say?

What did I just say?

Did you just break something else?

The stolen mulcher.

It's Adrian, he's been doing this?

- I always thought he was human.

- He's not a tree.

He's a criminal.

- Yeah, a criminal tree.

- [Toby] Why would Adrian steal a mulcher?

- Well, maybe he's cutter.

You know, a self-harmer?

Probably weeding himself right now.

- Gregor, Adrian is not a tree.

(creature moaning)

(branch thuds) (Toby grunts)

- [Gregor] Banks, Banks, Toby Banks, are you awake?

- Hmm, what?

- We have to loosen these ropes.

Reach into me pocket and you'll find me lucky charm.

Eh, not that lucky charm.

Me jacket pocket.

(Adrian humming)

- Adrian?

Listen, you, you could be in serious trouble for this.

You, you've just assaulted a police officer.

- Yeah, and a night security man.

- I'm not here to harm you.

I'm here to save you.

- Are you gonna save me too?

Please, save me first.

- I'm gonna save everyone.

- (chuckles) Thank heavens.

- Adrian, what're you talking about?

- Everyday, you murder, rape, and burn down trees.

- I do not rape trees.

- Is that why you eh, you assaulted

the tree lopper and the mulcher guy?

- They got what they deserved.

And I can't have their kind around tomorrow.

- Mother's Day?

- Yes.

- Put it back.

- Adrian, what happens tomorrow?

- Tomorrow everyone in Coolum will turn into trees.

(Gregor chuckles)

- I knew this was gonna happen eventually.

- Really, how, how did, how did you know that?

- Ah, I just been thinking about it.

- Good, good use of time.

(thunder crashing)

(plant whimpering)

- Thank you for your sacrifice.

It won't be forgotten, my darling.

(machine humming)

(suspenseful music)

- Adrian, you don't look well.

What kind of plant is that?

- [Adrian] I don't know its name.

- [Toby] Where, where did you get it?

- I found it about a year ago.

Mother's Day was coming up,

and I was looking for something different to surprise her.

Even though she hated surprises.

I found this little beauty on the side of Mount Coolum.

It was special.

It was like it had just fallen out of the sky.

I knew Mom would love it.

I knew it, I felt it, and she did.

(chuckles) But then something strange started to happen.

Mom started to get sick.

- Uh, I'm sorry, Adrian, ah, my mom got sick too,

and I know what it's, it's like.

It's hard to see someone you love go through so much pain.

- How dare you!

- Oh, right, sorry.

- Something beautiful was happening to her.

The tree was helping her to evolve.

She was becoming one of them, a beautiful, voluptuous tree,

and now, so am I.

- Oh.

=- I'm becoming a tree.

- Wow, ugh.

- I've seen this before.

- Where have you seen this before?

The Hardy Family, you don't know 'em.

- I've extracted liquid from its branches.

Then tomorrow when the mothers of Coolum get their flowers,

the flowers will be sprayed with this,

and then when they sniff the flowers everyone will turn.

The whole of Coolum will turn into trees (chuckling).

- Oh, sounds great.

Nice, ah, all right (clears throat).

Adrian, I um, I don't know what's wrong with you exactly.

- That was a European death knot.

- But um, you're not well and I'd like to help you,

but first I'm, I'm just gonna have to arrest you.

- Come any closer and I'll pull the trigger.

- Don't provoke him.

Don't provoke him, mate!

- I'm warning you, stay back!

My God, look at you.

What a beautiful tree you will make.

- No!

(liquid hissing) (Gregor grunting)

- Come on, what, seriously?

(Gregor coughing)

Turn around, I'm gonna cuff you now.

(Gregor coughing)

Gregor, Gregor, Gregor.

- I told you to stay back.

(Gregor grunting)

(haunting choral music)

- You see, it started.

- Adrian, Adrian, he needs medical help.

- I'm sorry, but this stage is particularly hard,

but it's worth the suffering.

He'll be the first to turn.

The first spruce in the glades.

- Please, he's old.

- I'm 47.

- [Neil] Morning, Adrian!

- Sarge, Sarge, Sarge, we're in here, help!

(Toby grunting)

- [Adrian] Shut up, don't make a sound. (Toby grunting)

- Yo, Adrian!

- Happy Mother's Day, Sergeant.

- Happy Mother's Day, Adrian.

Sorry to pop in.

I, I saw your door was broken, what happened?

- We've got a bit of a possum problem.

- Really, they did that to your door?

- Yes.

(suspenseful music)

- Don't you worry.

I'm working night and day

to overturn the Protected Species Act.

With any luck we'll be skinning

the little bastards by Christmas.

(Adrian gasps)

Now, ah, I know I'm a bit early,

but I was hoping to pick up my flowers for Mom.

- Of course.

- (chuckles) This is great.

(chuckles) That too, thanks.

(Adrian clears throat)

Adrian?

- [Adrian] Yes?

- You look terrible.

- It's the stress of Mother's Day.

- I understand, your mother was a very attractive lady.

- Thank you.

(Toby grunting)

Possums.

- Really?

- Yes.

- They're here now?

(Toby grunting)

The best way to handle them is to grab them by the tail,

and then swing them into a wall.

- [Adrian] No, Neil, please wait!

(Toby grunting)

- Banks, what're you doing here?

(bat thuds) (Neil grunts)

- [Toby] Sarge, Sarge, wake up.

(Neil groaning)

(Gregor coughing)

- What've you done, Banks?

- Gregor is sick.

- I'm turning into a tree (coughing).

- He's poisoned him, okay?

He's not listening to me.

You're the Sarge.

He'll listen to you.

Mm hmm.

- [Neil] Mm hmm.

- [Toby] Mm hmm.

- [Neil] Mm hmm, mm hmm.

- Sarge, please.

- I don't wanna disturb him mid bouquet.

- Sarge!

- Shh, shh, shh.

Now, Adrian, you listen to me.

You listen to me.

You listen to me.

You listen to me, Adrian!

(Neil whimpering)

(crying) You said it was possums (crying)!

Possums, you said possums (crying)!

- [Gregor] (coughing) I think I'm turning.

- Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of here.

Adrian, he needs a drink.

He's gonna dehydrate.

You wouldn't deprive a tree of water, would you?

- Forgive me, of course.

(suspenseful music)

(Adrian and Toby grunting)

- Sarge, grab the backpack!

Grab the backpack!

- There were supposed to be possums!

- [Toby] (grunts) Damn it, Neil!

- It's all right, son.

I'll be with you always.

We'll be the start of a beautiful forest together.

(suspenseful music)

- [Woman] Hello, is anybody inside?

(crowd chattering)

- There's a crowd out there.

What did you do?

- Must've been my tweets.

I'm not surprised.

I'm pretty funny.

- What, you mean you've had a phone this whole time,

you haven't told me?

See, this is exactly the kind of behavior I'm talking about.

- Well, how come you haven't got your phone?

- I had to hide it to stop you

from texting Kath all the time!

- Kath, why are you texting Kath?

- [Gregor] Have you text her yet?

- Guys, can we just talk about this later, please?

- I'll be a tree later.

- We'll all be trees later!

Now give me that phone!

Hey, hey!

- No, no, stop, stop! - You give that to me!

I'm warning you, no!

- [Toby] Sarge, help me! - You almost got him, Banks.

Don't give up now.

- [Gregor] Oh!

(Adrian groans)

- [Gregor] Say cheese.

(crowd chattering)

- What happened in there?

Did he threaten you at all?

- Can I get some help here, please?

- He tried to.

He tried to, but it's safe now, everything's safe.

Um, I was able to take control of the situation.

Sorry, are we looking at him or we looking at me?

A bit confused.

If we're looking at me, then we'll go from the start, okay?

Okay, first positions, back, and action!

(crowd chattering)

It's all right now, everything's okay.

I was able to take control of the situation.

- He's been ah, he's been sprayed in the face,

ah, with some sort of a poison.

Um, he's developed a rash and he's coughing quite badly.

- People of Coolum, we will never fail you.

We will always protect you.

And this is our solemn vow

as your trusted, beloved police force.

There will be no questions.

- [Kath] Banks!

- [Toby] Kath, oh, God.

- [Kath] I saw Gregor's tweets.

- I, I'm sorry I didn't text you back.

And, and listen, about the card.

- I know, you can see his wang.

How's Gregor?

- He, he's not good.

- I'm sure he'll be okay.

He's lucky to have you, you know?

- Well, I'm lucky to have him.

He's pretty much my only friend in this town.

- He's not your only friend, Banks.

(light piano music)

- Get off me!

I'm a fuckin' tree!

- I should probably go to him. - Get off, ugh, get off!

(choral music)

Banks, listen, will you make a promise to me?

After I'm gone will you keep taking the strange calls?

- Don't talk like that.

- We helped a lot of people, you and me.

- Yeah.

- You helped a lot of people, Banks.

- Yeah, we did, didn't we?

Yeah, but hey, come on,

you've got a lot of good years in front of you.

You're only 47.

- I lied to you, Banks.

I'm not 47.

Reverse those numbers,

and add six (coughing and passing gas).

- [EMT] He's losing bowel control.

- I'm self-fertilizing myself.

- Just, just, just relax.

You're gonna be all right.

- I'm becoming a tree and trees live for a long, long time.

Just plant me where the sun shines on me every morning.

Give me a good pruning each spring.

And Banks, make sure that you water me.

- I will, I will, of course, I promise.

I'll take care of you, Gregor.

- You've been a good friend to me, Banks.

In fact, my only friend.

And if you see any dogs pissing on me, shoot them!

(Gregor gasps)

- Gregor (sniffs), Gregor?

(sniffs) Gregor, wake up, wake (crying).

Please wake up, please wake up (crying).

- That'll calm him down till we get him to the hospital.

- He's not dead?

- No, we've had to deal with him before.

He gets a bit handsy, so it's just easier to knock him out.

- Yeah (sniffs), good (clears throat).

Of course, of course (sniffs).

(mellow music)

- Banks (clears throat).

I ah, I hope you understood ah, what happened back there.

I just um, I wanna make sure that we're agreed that um,

but for a few minor indiscretions,

my version of events was all in all accurate.

Good, and I'll ah, I'll put in a good word

with the Deputy Commissioner about your behavior.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

- Ah, Sarge, it's on.

- [Neil] It's on, everyone (whistles)!

- Store owner Adrian Vine then took the two police officers

and a security guard hostage

using a spray pack filled with toxic chemicals.

An anonymous source has sent channel three

this exclusive footage from inside the siege.

- [Banks] Sarge, help me!

- [Neil] You almost got him, Banks. Don't give up now.

- [Toby] What?

- Despite the dangers,

the officers quickly took control of the situation.

Well, at least one of them did.

And in other news.

(telephones ringing)

- [Officer] Coolum Police.

- [Police Officer] Um, Coolum Police.

(telephones ringing)

- [Policeman] Coolum Police.

(telephone ringing)

- Sergeant Lloyd speaking.

Deputy Commissioner Banks, yes.

Oh, you did, you saw?

Well, it, it (laughs).

No, no, no, no, I know and it's not a laughing matter.

Um, your son is in the room with me, yes, okay.

- [Deputy Commissioner Banks] Toby?

- Yes?

- [Deputy Commissioner Banks] I wanna commend you

on your actions today.

Calm under pressure and showed courage

in the face of danger.

You did the force proud.

- Thank you, Deputy Commissioner.

- [Deputy Commissioner Banks] And ah, son,

you made me proud too.

- Thanks, Dad.

- [Deputy Commissioner Banks] You're a good copper.

City Branch could do with a few more like you,

so what do you say?

Do you wanna come home and work with me?

(Neil gags)

Toby, hello, hello?

Am I still on?

These fucking phones are ridiculous!

Hello, Neil, are you there, Neil?

- [Neil] This is bullshit (crying). Neil, hello?

- [Neil] This is bullshit (crying).

- [Deputy Commissioner Banks] Neil!

(mellow music)

- Happy Mother's Day, son.

- Gregor, Happy Mother's Day.

How are you feeling?

- Better, the doctor told me that my anosmia

prevented the infection from spreading.

So, I'm not a tree.

- I, I'm glad you're feeling okay.

- Yeah, ah, Mrs. Marilee's told me the good news

about the promotion.

- Yes, Mrs. Marilee's called.

- Yeah, her cats wanted to say goodbye.

- Hmm, right, good.

- (sighs) Well, son, congratulations on the new job.

It's what you wanted.

- Yeah.

- I, I packed your bags.

The last bus leaves in 20 minutes,

so you better get a hurry on (chuckles).

- Yeah, you know, I, I was thinking maybe

we could have a game of HeroQuest.

- Oh, well, maybe at the bus stop,

but it would be a pretty quick game.

We wouldn't even get past the first dungeon.

- No, ah, Gregor, I'm, I'm not going.

I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna stay around for a bit.

(light guitar music)

- Shut up, he's not going, forget it!

- Still get paid though?

- Fine, but play something else.

- It's all we know.

(Gregor groans)

(light guitar music)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

- Ah, this was meant to be

a little going away present for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

- Thanks.

You know, um, I've been thinking,

maybe we should get a Beagle to help with clues and stuff.

- Yeah, I'd like that very much, Banks (chuckles).

(light guitar music)

♪ I've got feet that won't leave this ground ♪

♪ And I won't walk from this town alone ♪

♪ And I've got feet that won't leave this ground ♪

♪ And I won't walk from this town alone ♪