Original subtitles

(eerie music)

(door creaking)

(unsteady breathing)

- Neil?

(door creaking)

Anyone?

- [Man] Get off my stage.

Is someone there?

Neil, is that you?

- [Man] You don't deserve to be on the stage.

Get out, get off my stage.

(woman yelps)

(woman screams)

(man laughing)

- [Man] Hello, I need your help.

- [Woman] My books are reading themselves.

- [Man] My truck's stolen itself.

- [Woman] The costume shop comes alive at night.

- [Man] My glasses aren't making me see.

(eerie choral music)

- Yes, Mrs. Merrylease, it's just that, you know,

you think he's angry with you every night.

Siamese cats, they look angry by default,

you know, they have very angular features.

They've got angular eyes, you know,

they're like a witch's eyes, really.

Oh, you're talking about the tabby?

Yeah, no, well, they generally are more friendly-looking.

- [Gregor] Take it all off.

- Mrs. Merrylease, I've gotta go now, okay, bye-bye.

- [Gregor] See, he likes it.

Now you do it, take it all off.

Seriously, no, seriously, no, no one's here.

Banks is in the other room-

(Banks groans)

Were you raised in a tent?

- They're new sheets.

Were you on Lady Town again?

- Was on Lady Town, she's disconnected.

- You should be ashamed of yourself,

a man of your age stripping for a webcam.

- I was just trying it out,

and anyway, it was Rhonda's idea, she's 56.

She's Sagittarian, so she's adventurous.

- I don't, I don't want any of this in my life.

Gregor, I really don't want you

chatting up women on my bed, okay?

- Now, Banks, we both know there's only one way

that you can get what you really want.

- I already gave you $40.

- That was for Babe Town,

this is Lady Town. (phone ringing)

Babe Town's so yesterday, anyway.

- Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

I'm sorry, did you say you'd hit a racist with your car?

- Mr. Phillips?

- No.

- Mrs. Phillips?

- I'm sorry, where are you?

(upbeat music)

- Are you sure you got the right address?

The racists live on the other

side of town near the butchers.

- Well, yeah, this is what they said.

(woman moaning)

Far out.

- Steady, Banks.

- You could, just, stay off.

(ominous music)

- "Sorry, had to hit and run,

but I don't wanna go to jail.

I went there once and it was pretty cray-cray.

Plus, she's a racist, smiley face."

- No, she's covered in black paint.

- She's blacked up, it's disgusting.

- She's breathing normally.

- [Gregor] Really?

- Okay, she's got a pulse.

- Dammit.

(woman moaning)

- Okay, okay, lady, now, can you hear me?

We're gonna get you out of here.

- No we won't.

- Gregor, help me get her back to the truck.

- I haven't had a racist in my truck for three years.

- She's injured, we're not just gonna leave her here.

- Now, Banks, you and I both know,

the only way you're gonna get what you want-

- I'll give you $40.

- I'll grab her legs.

Come on.

(ominous music)

- Hi, are you feeling better?

- I'm fine, I should get back to work.

- Right, Lucy, you've just been hit by a car.

- It was only a Barina.

- Okay, are you sure, you know,

work can't just wait 'til tomorrow?

- My boss'll be furious if I don't finish.

- I'm sure he'd understand.

- No, he won't.

He's had me working day and night, he's a bully,

and I always just do as he says, always.

- Lucy, let me tell you a story

about a young man, a fat young man,

who did everything his boss asked him to do,

no matter how humiliating.

I'm talking about Banks.

- Yes, yes, we know.

Good, okay, thank you.

What Gregor's trying to say, I imagine,

is that you seem nice and hard-working,

and you're honest, you know,

and they're really, they're good traits, you know,

and if your boss doesn't appreciate that,

well, then he just doesn't deserve you, Lucy.

- But if I catch you blacking up again,

it'll be go time, girly, whoo-hoo.

(soft jazz music)

- Banks!

- Shh, he's sleeping.

- Banks, I wanna talk to you right now.

- [Banks] Yes, yes sir, just a minute.

- Well, congratulations, he's awake now.

- What are you doing here?

(Rhonda speaking indistinctly)

Ugh!

- [Rhonda] It's a cop!

You told me no one was there, there's always-

- [Gregor] Disgusting.

Morning, sleepy head.

- Sarge?

- Do you know any set builders?

- No, I don't.

- Do you know why I need one, Banks?

- No.

- [Gregor] Did I ever tell you I was in

a stage play of Jurassic Park?

- Gregor!

Because last night, 24 hours before the premiere,

you told my set builder to quit.

- Morning, Banks. - Morning.

Wait, Lucy was working for you on a play?

- Was, and not just a play, Banks,

"The Phantom of the Opera," and I'm the Phantom.

It's gonna be one heck of a show.

At least it was before you got involved.

- Lucy just seemed really sad last night.

I'm sorry she's quit your play.

- She's a racist, you know.

- She's worse than that, she's a vandal now, too.

There's been a few creative differences on this show.

Not everyone's been on board with my vision.

Some people want to take the easy option,

but I told them, I said, "If we're gonna do the Phantom,

then let's do the Phantom, okay?

Gondola, subterranean lake, U-boat," and now, all ruined.

(electricity crackling)

- U-boat.

- Banks, I'm talking about the original

1942 production, during the war.

- Didn't Andrew Lloyd Webber-

- Andrew Lloyd Webber stole it from Coolum,

added some cheesy show tunes,

swapped out the U-boat for a gondola, made a fortune.

- So the first production of "Phantom" was in Coolum

during the Second World War?

- That's right, and this production is gonna put Coolum

back in the spotlight where it belongs.

- Why is there a mouse?

- Squid. - Squid.

- It symbolizes the terrifying threat

from the Germans, isn't that clear?

- Yes, it's really clear.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Good.

I want you to fix these sets, Banks, we open tomorrow night.

You help him.

- Why me?

- Oh, I don't know, you're supposed to be town security.

You're supposed to keep an eye on this place at night.

- I do.

- [Neil] Then how do vandals keep getting in?

- Magic?

- Instructions are on the podium, paints are by the squid.

- Mouse.

Squid, sorry, Sarge, look, is this really the best-

- Listen, Banks, this is a big deal for Coolum, okay?

If you get this right, people around here

might even start to like you.

- What, who doesn't like me?

- Mr. Sheehan, Mr. Jacobson, the Maski family.

- The Maskis, seriously?

They like everyone.

- Not you, Banks.

Just get it done.

I'll be back here at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow,

and I had better see some razzle-dazzle, Banks.

Razzle-dazzle!

- All right, I guess we better get started.

- Now, Banks, you and I know there's only one way-

- $40.

- I'll get the brushes.

(ominous music)

Hey, Banks, why don't you pay me

to stand on one leg for the rest of the day?

- Gregor, I can't keep giving you money to do things.

- Can't or won't?

- Can't, I'm not made of money.

- Well, neither am I, I'm living from hand to mouth.

- Where did you get those shoes?

- Oh, they're new.

They look good but they're incredibly uncomfortable.

- Right.

What?

- Oh, it's not finished yet.

- Why did you write fat Banks under it?

I don't look like that, do I?

(door creaking)

Shh, did you hear that?

That could be the vandal, come on.

- Wait, Banks, this place has a history.

- If this is gonna be one of your stories,

I really don't have time for it.

- It's very short.

- Can I have a guess?

Um, the theater is haunted.

- Yes, how did you know that?

- Because every theater has a ghost.

It's all theatrics, Gregor.

This place is no more haunted than the caravan is.

- Oh, so you met Mr. Coops.

- What, who?

- The caravan's ghost.

This young basketballer on a freezing night once choked-

(metal thudding)

- Shh.

(ominous music) (curtains rustling)

What is it?

- It's a Coolie, still fresh, he's here.

- So your ghost smokes now?

- I don't know, but this brand of cigarette

hasn't been made for 50 years, explain that.

- Well, you heard Sarge, there's been a lot of

creative differences on the show, whatever that means.

I reckon it's like an angry stagehand's

trying to get back at him.

- Yeah, or an angry ghost leaving a message for someone.

- Don't be ridiculous,

no one's leaving any messages for anyone.

- Say cheese. (camera shutter clicking)

(Banks gulps)

When a ghost does this, it means you're gonna die.

- Wait, where are you going?

- Toilet break.

- You're just gonna leave me here on my own?

- What's the matter, scared?

- Yes, I'm scared about what Sarge is gonna say

when he finds out we haven't finished this in time.

- Would you like to come with me, hold me wang?

- No, just hurry up.

(Gregor chuckles)

(man whispering)

(door slamming)

Gregor, is that you?

- [Man] You're not worthy of my stage.

- Gregor, is that you?

(door creaking)

(Banks gasps)

Whoa, stop, hey.

(ominous music)

- [Man] Behind you.

- Stop, I'm a policeman, you're trespassing.

Hello?

(soft piano music)

Who keeps moving around in here?

Hello?

(door creaks)

(Banks screams)

(soft piano music)

- We are not alone.

- Jesus, don't do that.

Where were you?

- Toilet break, but I got a stiffy and I couldn't go,

and I heard you squealing, so I came to investigate.

- There was someone up there.

- What'd they look like?

- They were whispering and, I don't know,

they had a stupid costume on.

A mask and, like, a cape.

- Something like this?

- Yes.

- Burt Ferguson, the genius behind the original play.

Matinee reviews were fantastic

and Burt felt that it was his ticket to the West End,

but then tragedy happened.

On opening night he dropped dead

right there on stage in front of everyone.

- Heart attack.

- Gout.

Poor bugger never got to finish his show,

and they say that's why he roams these halls,

just searching for an audience

so they can watch him perform that last scene of his play.

- Yeah, it's not a ghost, Gregor, it's a vandal, okay,

and it's guilty of trespass,

willful destruction of property,

and now smoking in a non-smoking theater.

- Coolies, it's Burt's favorite.

(glass smashing)

- No, the set!

No, the squid.

- Burt is one really pissed off poltergeist.

- How is this guy getting in?

- [Gregor] Magic.

- I am gonna catch this damned vandal.

(ominous music)

- You can't catch him, Banks, he's ectoplasm.

See, you've got it all wrong.

He doesn't need to be caught, he needs to be released.

For 70 years now, poor old Burt's been stuck

between this world and the next,

waiting to take his final bow.

We can give him that chance, Banks.

We can help him to cross over.

- I wanna help him get to jail, Gregor, that's it.

None of this stuffs any good.

- This cross could come in handy.

- Oh, so he's a vampire now, is he?

- Not for tonight.

(door creaking) (footsteps clicking)

- Shh.

What, what are you doing?

Where did you get that?

- Shh.

- You shush, we're not killing him, don't.

- Shh. - Shush.

Don't, shh.

(Banks groaning)

I'm a policeman.

- And a night security man.

- Kath?

- Banks.

- Yah! (ax thuds)

- [Banks] Gregor!

- [Kath] Put that fizz down, Gregor.

- So I just wanted to apologize again about before.

- Don't worry, happens all the time.

- Really?

- No.

(skin sizzling)

- So, Sarge has roped you in, as well?

- Yes, Neil has roped everybody in.

He wanted me to play the love interest,

but, I don't know, with him playing the Phantom,

it would have been weird after what happened between us.

- And are you gonna be here for opening night?

- Unfortunately.

- Well, maybe I'll bump into you then.

- Like before?

- Yep. (laughs)

No, sorry again about that, that's, sorry.

- Forget it.

But you, Gregor, you gotta be a little bit

more careful with that ax, young man.

- That's not what Rhonda says.

- Mmm, look out.

See ya.

- See ya.

- You know, she likes you, Banks.

- You think?

- Indeed, she would make a marvelous Christine.

- Who are you?

- [Man] Ow!

- Okay, I am gonna have to ask you a few questions,

and I'm afraid you can't smoke in here.

(man scoffs)

So can you tell me your name, please, sir?

- Erik, the angel of music.

- Right, that's the character's name, isn't it?

- He's using the method, like all the great masters.

Olivier, de Niro, Stamos.

- Well, Erik, can I ask why

you've been breaking all the sets?

- Because it's my show and they're ruining it.

- Who's ruining it?

- That other actor in my role.

He's changed the script.

Instead of a phantom torpedoing a boatload of Jerries,

he's harpooning a giant mouse.

- It's a squid, actually, it's meant to symbolize-

- What's that going to do for morale?

There's bombs raining down on Darwin.

There's midget subs off the coast.

The people are afraid, goddammit,

they don't want a metaphor.

They want to see the stage soaked in fascist blood.

- Okay, all right, okay, all right.

(Erik gasping)

That's okay, relaxing breaths, okay.

Shh.

- What are you doing?

- Phoning the Sarge.

- It's a prop phone.

This guy has dementia or something.

- He's not demented, he's just a ghost with gout

who doesn't know he's dead.

- He's an old man with dementia.

- He's a ghost who has to finish his play,

the one he started, to cross over,

and we can help him, Banks.

- Well, Gregor, we both know that there's only one way

that you're gonna get what you want.

- Sign here, here, and here.

- Right, and if I do sign this confusing, ridiculous thing,

then I will get all of my money back, the whole 300?

- 276, Burt can be our witness.

(Burt humming)

(bombs whistling)

- [Banks] Can we get on with this, please?

(bombs exploding)

- [Gregor] Break a leg.

- Erik, Erik, where are you going, the snow is falling.

- I cannot stay, my love, the enemy is near.

The battle calls me back.

- I will keep my word, dear Erik,

I will be your wife when you return.

- Then may I lift my mask a little

and steal a kiss from my love?

- What?

We didn't say anything about a kiss.

- Then may I lift my mask a little

and steal a farewell kiss from my love?

I know that you are repelled by me,

but I shall be at sea for the longest time,

and all I ask is a kiss from my sweetheart.

Kiss me.

- Wait, is that, is that a-

- Yes, it's a cold sore, first night nerves.

- But, no, I'm not doing this, he's got a cold sore.

-- 2 -B, I told you to read the swirls.

- Kiss me.

- Kiss him.

(soft piano music)

(music swells)

- Goodbye, brave soldier.

- Goodbye, sweet Christine.

Your love will forever protect me.

- How are you gonna transfer the money?

- It is over, I've lived, I've loved, there is no more.

Thank you for believing.

- It's 9:00 a.m., razzle-dazzle time, Banks.

Banksy, how's my set coming along?

- Sarge?

- What's my cape doing on the ground?

- Where's he gone?

- He's crossed over.

- He's escaped.

- Banks, what are you doing?

No one's escaped, I want some razzle-dazzle, okay?

This is not an amateur production, Banks, razzle-dazzle.

(soft piano music)

I have lived.

I have loved.

There is no more.

(audience applauding)

- [Audience Member] Judas!

- That was fucked, he should have done "A Bug's Life."

- That was fucked, I should have done "A Bug's Life."

(both laughing)

- So, anyway, Kath, I was wondering

whether you wanted to grab a bite or something?

- Are you asking me out on a date?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

just grabbing dinner, nothing special.

- Oh, well, if it's just grabbing dinner

and nothing special, then I would love to.

Anyway, I should get back to the bar,

everyone's gonna need a drink after that shit.

(both chuckling)

- I really thought she'd say no, honestly.

- Really, well, I filed a report on Burt,

we haven't found him yet, but we will.

- Best of luck with that, Romeo,

but Burt's taken his final bow.

We won't be seeing him again.

- [Burt] No more.

- Gregor, you're being ridiculous, it's scribble.

- It says, by law, if one person

at the time of the writing of the contract

is disabled in any way, the contract is void.

- You're not disabled.

- I'm 90.

- You're 47, I need that money.

- No way.

- Okay, well, I guess I'll just go without food this week.

And I suppose I'll have to just cancel my dinner with Kath.

- Now, look, you can't go without dinner for a whole week.

I'll pay half.

- Wait, where are you going, what are you doing?

You keep a safe in my bedroom?

- It's a place no one ever goes.

Would you prefer to be paid in blood diamonds or cash?

- Diamonds.

- Then cash it is.

Something for dinner, there you go.

Oh, and a little extra, you know, for afterwards.

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

- Hi, the costumes at Michael's Costume Hire

are fighting with each other, Mickey and King Kong.

(King Kong roaring) (Mickey whimpering)

He's killing him!

♪ I've got feet that won't leave this ground ♪

- The killer was a gruesome tabby named Napoleon.

- And now this cat has come back from the dead.

- We can't have a killer cat on the loose,

not this close to the Police Ball.

- Where's the body?

- Every victim had a single slash

across its chest and a leg missing.

- [Banks] They've cut the phone line.

- [Gregor] It's been chewed.

Things are gonna get cray-cray.

(cat shrieking)

♪ I'll walk from this town alone. ♪