Original subtitles

LARS: Hold your end up higher. You're not holding it.

I am, too.

- You are not. - Don't worry about me.

Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?

No.

ERNIE: Looks charcoal gray to me. Some gray polyester blend.

You'd think you could find a black suit

for your own father's funeral.

- It's black. - No. I'm sure it's gray.

- It's black. - Gray.

- Black. - Gray.

- Black. - Fine, it's black.

It's the grayest black I've ever seen.

It doesn't matter what color it is!

(GROANS)

(THUNDERCLAP)

I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry!

Quick! Get him out of there!

He's haltway to the harbor by now, bub.

Oh, well.

LAWYER: "I leave you not just a model factory",

"but something infinitely more valuable."

"The future of string..."

"Itself."

(EXPLOSIONS)

(WORKERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

"And thus, it is my dying wish"

"that my two sons run Smuntz String together."

Great. Let's stick a "For Sale" sign up on the lawn

and see what we can get.

Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it. Together.

Either way, this godforsaken museum piece

- is not worth a dime. Now, is it, Lars? - (SIGHS)

Some things are more important than money, Ernie.

Notice it's always the financially challenged who say that.

Please, please.

"I also bequeath to you my personal effects,"

"including my ceramic egg,"

"half box of Cuban cigars..."

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

"My collection of spoons." (CHUCKLES)

(SPOONS CLATTER)

ERNIE: My goodness, what a treasure. What a legacy.

Spoons! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time.

Oh. And, of course, something no household should be without.

The ceramic egg! (LAUGHS)

Can I have the egg? Can I, huh? Huh?

- No, I want you to have it. - Fine, I'll take it!

Look, if you find any real estate on that desk, you let me know.

Well, it seems there is also a house.

- A house? - Yes, "5120 Nortondale."

Your father acquired it many years ago as payment of a debt.

He never lived there, but it's interesting.

It seems the previous owner was found locked in a trunk in the attic.

Wait a minute. Is it worth anything?

Well, he was able to borrow $50,000 against it to pay his workers.

Really? So, what is its value today?

Fifty thousand dollars.

Great.

A worthless house and a broken-down string factory.

Oh, well, at least the day wasn't a total loss.

Thanks for the stogies, Pop.

Wait. You can't go, Ernie.

We have to go through all these papers.

You'll have to excuse me.

I've got a date with the Mayor.

- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

REPORTER: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, over here! Mr. Mayor!

Mr. Mayor, do you think your recent triple heart bypass

will affect your campaign strategy?

Now, Leslie, I'm just here to eat.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Monsieur le maire, madame maire, welcome to Chez Ernie.

What an honor it is to have you in my humble bistro.

Suivez-moi.

Oh, you brought the little ones. The little bicycle thieves.

Bonjour! Our very best table.

- Have you lost a little weight? - I...

I think so! I think you may be buff.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (IN ENGLISH) You know what I mean? - Oh, Monsieur Ernie!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SIGHS)

(NORMAL VOICE) The air's not so thin at the top.

Just like the old man to die before I hit it big.

Remember, everyone. Attention to detail is vital!

Presentation is everything.

No, no, no! These I must deliver myself.

Duck a I'Orange avec du quack sauce.

And for ze Mayor, la specialité de la maison,

Lobster Loaf à la Ernest ou la bibliotheque.

Bon appetit.

(EXHALES)

Ah, bonjour!

Chef Ernie, how does it feel to be serving

the Mayor on the eve of his campaign re-election?

- Well, Leslie. May I call you Leslie? - Of course.

Crunchy! I love the almonds.

Leslie, cuisine, she is a fickle mistress...

Ew, look!

A cockroach!

(ALL GASPING)

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

That's only half a cockroach.

Daddy! You ate the head!

Honey, are you okay?

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMS)

Not again!

REPORTER 1: Was this an accident or murder...

- Clear! - (DEFIBRILLATOR ZAPS)

GIRL: I can do that better!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: Smuntz String is a relic of history.

You don't make string by twining two strands together anymore.

No. You make it simple, singular, strong, with nylon.

But that's not string. That's cord.

Exactly.

Twine is yesterday. Single strong cord is today.

Zeppco International has been interested in your factory for years,

but your father refused to sell.

We're hoping you would be a little smarter.

Zeppco is willing to buy you out

and bring this museum into the 21st century.

Of course, we will keep you on as a string consultant,

with a huge salary and a hefty pension.

- So... - Well...

What do you say?

(GROANS)

- My sons... - Ernie.

- Ernie! - Yeah. Just a sec.

I want you to have something.

My most prized possession.

Oh, it's a piece of string.

Not just any string. The string.

I found it my first day in America.

What's with the string?

It's been in my pocket for 60 years.

Here! I want you two to share it.

Maybe it'll bring you closer together.

- You haven't talked much lately. - Yeah.

- (GRUNTS) What are you doing? - ERNIE: I'm breaking it in half.

- No! - No?

I want you to share it.

- Forever. - Sure, Pop, sure.

Here. You carry it the first 50 years, I'll take the next.

Sure.

And turn up the morphine drip a little.

RUDOLPH: I heard that.

Promise me that you will never sell

Smuntz String

to one of those big conglomerates.

Keep it between you... brothers, family.

Promise.

I promise, Pop.

- I promise. - So, you were saying?

I'll have to pass.

What?

"A world without string is chaos."

(PANTING)

For once the Smuntz name was worth something!

LARS: No, no! Don't!

You used to love string!

That was before,

when I was dating the son of a wealthy string magnate!

Not now,

when I am married to the half-owner of a worthless deathtrap!

I thought you'd be happy! I stood up for myself today!

April, I've got new ideas for the factory.

You know, I've got big plans!

Don't you see, Lars?

That's all you've ever had are plans.

But my life is passing me by, and I need more!

There's no air in the middle class, Lars.

I can't breathe here.

Please, April, don't go.

(SCOFFS) I'm not going anywhere.

In a few brief moments, the joy of the holidays was shattered

and the world changed for many people.

Mayor McKrinkle died this afternoon at 4:30 p.m.

at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital.

Doctors here say the official cause of death is heart failure

due to the Mayor's recent culinary disaster.

And once the hottest restaurants on the wharf, Chez Ernie

has been condemned and...

Excuse me, I'm sorry,

I don't think I ordered my cheese sandwich with capers.

NEWSREADER: (OVER TV) We go live to Leslie Reinhart for more updates.

LARS: I'm sorry.

If there is a villain in this tragedy, it is Ernie Smuntz.

WAITRESS: Hey, Ernie. You're on the TV again!

What? Oh.

You know what this is? I'll tell ya.

- Guilt by accusation. - No capers.

No capers?

But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point?

Why don't they eat out of a trough?

All right, which one of you palateless sheep

sent my sandwich back?

- Hi, Ernie! - Lars?

ERNIE: When I'm in the kitchen, I cook.

I can't control every single thing that goes on in there.

LARS: You know, it really isn't fair for everybody to blame you.

You didn't do anything wrong.

ERNIE: Yes. But society always needs somebody to persecute,

a scapegoat, someone to demonize. The same thing happened to Galileo.

LARS: Really? That's unbelievable.

With a cockroach and everything?

No.

The point is, I put everything I had into that restaurant.

It was my livelihood and my home.

In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me.

If only we could sell the factory.

I'd let you stay with me, you know, but April threw me out.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, well, don't worry about me, though Ernie.

This is temporary.

April's been like this since high school.

She'll be back. I...

Would you look at that? Sleeping in the street. Pitiful.

If I had a house, I'd sleep in it!

LARS: Ernie, do you remember how close we were as kids?

ERNIE: No.

Hey! Merry Christmas!

Yeah, I was on top once, too.

But there's only one way to go from there,

and that's down, baby, down!

- (COINS CLATTERING) - (LARS SIGHS)

Ernie.

Ernie, there was a quarter in there.

- A quarter? You think so small, Lars. - (CHOIR SINGING HYMN)

Look at the bigger picture.

You have no home, you have no wife, you have no money.

You have no discernible talents. How can you ignore that?

Ernie, it's Christmas.

Instead of dwelling on what we don't have,

we should be thankful for what we do have.

ERNIE: What a dump.

(SIGHS) I can't believe Pops never told us about this house.

It's huge.

ERNIE: This is just the kind of house I'd expect him to have.

It's just like him. Cold and spooky.

(FAINT RUSTLING)

- LARS: (GASPS) Did you feel that? - What?

I got a chill.

You shouldn't talk about Pop like that.

Really? What's this do for you?

Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!

(SIGHS) He didn't mean it, Pop.

Ernie! Ernie!

Only one bed. I'll flip you for it.

Heads.

- (WOOD SCRAPING INTERMITTENTLY) - Ernie?

Ernie. Ernie.

(ERNIE GROANS)

- You asleep? - (SIGHS) I was.

How can you sleep through that?

- What? I don't hear anything. - (SHUSHING) That.

Listen. Hear it? It's coming from upstairs.

(SCRAPING CONTINUES)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Mothballs.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, stop it! Hey! (YOWLS)

- (GROANS) - (LARS WHIMPERING)

(WHISPERS) Ernie. Ernie.

(ERNIE GROANS)

(SIGHING)

(METAL RATTLING)

(ERNIE GRUNTS)

(METAL CONTINUES RATTLING)

- (THUNDER CRASHES) - (BOTH SCREAMING)

- Wait. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop! - (STOPS SCREAMING)

- Look. Look, look, look. - (PANTING)

It's only a toy.

(SCREAMING)

- Oh, shut up! - (STOPS SCREAMING)

(WOOD SCRAPING)

(WHISPERING) It's coming from up there!

One, two, three!

- (GROANING) - (GRUNTING)

(PANTING) Oh!

- It's just a mouse. - What?

It's just a mouse. Never mind.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, there are some posters up here.

- (EXCLAIMING) - Oh!

Stand still!

(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

- (EXCLAIMS) - (YELLS)

(ERNIE GRUNTS)

(SPUTTERS)

- They're blueprints. - Wow.

Wait a minute. Look at this date, 1876.

A centennial house could actually be worth something.

Look, this must be the architect. Here, look.

"Charles Lyle LaRue."

- Charles Lyle LaRue. - Charles Lyle LaRue?

Charles Lyle LaRue.

Charles Lyle LaRue!

Charles Lyle LaRue!

I'm actually standing in the missing LaRue!

- It's bold yet subtle. - Classical yet non-traditional.

The missing LaRue.

The rumored design completed

shortly before his committal is a rumor no more.

Before his committal?

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm just glad he finished the place

before they carted him off to the laughing academy.

(LAUGHING)

So, what do you think

a magnificent edifice like this is worth?

Properly restored, of course.

Well, his Parma Charnel House went for six...

But that was 10 years ago,

and it didn't have this exquisite molding.

I see. I can't get enough of good molding.

(ERNIE CLEARS THROAT)

- (SOFTLY) Did you hear that? $600,000. - (EXHALES)

(DOOR OPENS)

QUINCY: Alexander Falko!

Back!

Gentlemen, congratulations.

Congratulations on your find. I'm a great admirer of LaRue.

Glass of rainwater, please.

Yes, Mr. Falko was the world's leading collector of LaRues.

Sort of like collecting stamps,

- but they're bigger, right? - (CHUCKLES)

I'll get to the point. LaRue. I have his books and his letters.

You see these shoes?

- LaRues? - LaRues?

No, but I'm sure he would have loved them.

Vegetarian snack.

(MOUTHFUL) I own 42 LaRue houses, 42. I want to make it 43.

You tell me how I'm going to do this.

Tell me how I will do this. Help me. How will I do this?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

His, Parma Charnel House went for six,

but that was 10 years ago and it didn't have this molding.

I'd say a find like this in today's market

is worth twice as much.

He's a LaRue connoisseur.

Guilty as charged.

Gentlemen, I'm going to make you an offer.

No, no, no, I couldn't possibly be so crass

as to allow you to do that.

But you are welcome to come to the auction.

- Auction? - Auction, yes.

It would be grossly unfair of us

to deprive others of the chance to bid on the missing LaRue.

Um...

May I have just one moment with my brother, please?

- Sure. Of course. - Thank you.

- Excuse me, please. - (LARS CLEARS THROAT)

- What is this? - It's the...

- What is this? - It's the first I've heard...

No. No.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm answering your prayers.

These pigeons are ripe for plucking.

Put them in a room together try and outbid each other?

- We'll make $700,000, $800,000 easy. - Oh, man, you're smart!

- (THUD) - (GROANS)

- You're going to get this... - Don't talk to me! Shh!

So, when is the earliest we can set the auction?

Well, I suppose all arrangements could be completed within the week.

- A week it is. - Great!

You're smarter than you look.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

But know this.

I have never paid more than $10 million

for a house in my life!

Okay, see you, then.

Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.

Ten million linen napkins.

Five million bales of top-grade cotton fiber.

Forty thousand hot lamps complete with rotating plate-warming trays.

Two thousand twine threaders, gleaming under real lights.

ERNIE: My own chain of fine gourmet restaurants.

LARS: April can have anything she's ever wanted!

Cars, coats, china. She loves china.

ERNIE: I'm gonna build an Olympic size swimming pool

fill it with pina coladas and college girls.

LARS: If only Pop were here to see this house!

He did. He just wasn't smart enough to sell it.

Lars, we've turned a corner. Our future is staring us in the face.

And all we have to do is grab it, baste it and scarf it down!

A-ha. We've finally found our friend's home!

Well, I bought a little present for ya, buddy.

Ernie, it's just a little mouse. Do we really have to kill it?

Yes. Listen to me. A single vermin can bring you down.

Believe me, I know.

- (SNAPS) - Ah!

(FAINT SCURRYING)

(BOTH SNORING)

- (MOUSETRAP SNAPS) - (BOTH GASP)

- I trust you slept well. - Oh, like a baby.

Hey, last night, did you happen to hear the, uh...

- Oh, yeah. Let's see. - Yeah.

- Well, where'd he go? - I don't know.

Maybe it snapped by itself.

(ERNIE SIGHS)

I don't believe it.

He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us.

I think you're giving him a little too much credit.

Mice don't mock.

They don't have a sense of humor or irony.

He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket,

sipping cognac and giggling to himself, "I left the pit."

The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off, and he ate it.

It's just that simple.

But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us.

I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that... (SCREAMS) Mouse!

(SHRIEKING)

(ERNIE LAUGHING MENACINGLY)

(ERNIE YELLING IN PAIN)

(CONTINUES SHRIEKING)

- What are you doing, you stupid nitwit? - (GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Don't! Give me that! Don't let him get away!

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS AND LAUGHS)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

Ow!

(YELLS IN PAIN)

(LARS BLOWING)

- (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)

Are you trying to kill me? (GRUNTING)

- The mouse! - (BOTH GRUNTING)

ERNIE: Let me see. Let me see!

LARS: Can you see him?

Get me my Gouda.

- Careful, careful! - Don't touch me. You'll snap it.

- Well, you're not doing it right. - Please, let me concentrate, will ya?

ERNIE: I'm putting it on carefully. I'm not...

Oh, relax. It's cheese.

Bon appetit.

That takes care of that.

(HAMMERING)

- (BUCKET CLATTERS) - (ERNIE GROANING)

Hey!

- Hey! What are you doing? - (IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(NAIL GUN CLICKING)

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEAKS)

(AIR HISSES)

Lars! Gimme a hand with this.

(FOOTSTEPS FADING)

LARS: You sure this tub fits in with the rest of the house?

Jacuzzi tub, Lars. It's a Jacuzzi tub.

And this isn't just a house. It's a LaRue.

Of course it fits in with the decor.

- Luxury is timeless. - How much, Ernie?

(SIGHS) It was a steal at $1,200.

LARS: $1,200?

You spent our last money on a tub!

ERNIE: A Jacuzzi tub!

You have to spend money to make money.

They threw in the cardboard lady just to sweeten the deal.

(SCREAMS)

- (EXCLAIMING) - Ah! Oh!

(ERNIE AND LARS SCREAMING)

(ERNIE AND LARS GRUNTING)

- (LARS SHRIEKING) - (ERNIE YELLING)

(ERNIE AND LARS PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH SIGH)

Well...

LARS: (SIGHS) Don't you think this is a little... much?

Never underestimate your opponent.

Let's say he has mastered a way

to empty a mousetrap without getting caught.

If he snaps one of these babies,

a chain reaction will start snapping them all.

He'll panic,

and the law of averages says one has to nab him.

Not bad.

Yes. Well, I like to use both sides of my brain.

Come on, let's hit the sack. (GRUNTS)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(BIRD CAWING)

(ERNIE SIGHS)

- (SIGHS) Have you figured it out yet? - Shut up.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking!

(WHISPERING) Ernie. Ernie!

Keep perfectly still. This is it.

- What's he doing? - I don't know.

That was good.

Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!

But you said mice like Gouda.

Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out.

They need fruit for energy.

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

(LARS GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

ERNIE: (YELLING) Oh, no!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH STOP SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

Ouch! (STUTTERING)

- Ah! - Ah! (SPUTTERS)

There he goes!

- Juice! - Got it!

(ERNIE LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

This game is over!

(LARS EXCLAIMING)

(ERNIE GRUNTS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- I think it's working! - Yeah.

- (VACUUM CLEANER CLANGS) - Whoa!

Ah. I felt something.

LARS: Keep sucking!

- Goddamn, that mouse stinks! - (BOTH LAUGH)

- Dead animals always do. - Oh.

- (LAUGHING) - (LAUGHING)

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

- LARS: Keep sucking, Ernie! - (GURGLING)

Oh, yeah, this'll get him!

(LOUD GURGLING)

(THUD)

(PANTING)

What's this?

We're foreclosing on your house.

You quit paying your mortgage.

Oh, wait a minute, there's been some mistake, this house is paid for.

No, it was paid for, but you borrowed against it.

If you don't pay the $1,200 overdue, we repossess it.

- $1,200? - Well, how long do we have?

One week from, five days ago.

But, that's two days!

Look, we don't have the time or the energy

to deal with these petty problems now.

We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.

Looks like you're off to a great start.

LARS: You can ask your boss at Wimpy's for an advance.

You can pay him back after the auction.

ERNIE: Couldn't you ask your workers

to forfeit their salaries for a few weeks?

You are the boss.

Well, if you hadn't spent all our money on that Jacuzzi tub,

we still might be able to pay the mortgage.

It doesn't help to start crying now, does it?

(SHRIEKING) No, Fluffy! No!

No! I want my kitty!

(WAILING) No, no! No!

(CAMERA MOTOR WHIRRING)

(BELL RINGS)

(KITTEN MEOWS)

That one's cute.

- (KITTEN PURRING) - Nah.

He doesn't have that killer instinct.

(KITTEN WHIMPERING)

(BELL RINGS)

(BELL RINGING)

Morning, gentlemen. I'm Maury. Anything I can help you with?

Hi, Maury. We need a cat.

(CATS MEOWING)

MAURY: Find the one you want and I'll spay or neuter it myself.

LARS: Well, these are all kittens.

We were hoping for an older cat. One with experience.

MAURY: That's a switch.

Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?

- Mouse hunting. - All cats are good mousers.

Yes. But we have huge rats the size of sumo wrestlers

and lots of them.

So, we really need a ferocious feline,

preferably with a history of mental illness.

I'm talking one mean pussy.

Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love.

Do you have any of those knocking around your cages?

Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him.

We were about to gas him again.

- Again? - Again?

He's spent most of his whole life in that box, I expect.

(CAT HISSES)

ERNIE: "Catzilla"?

You know, the guys who clean up call him that.

But you can call him anything you want.

I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy."

(CATZILLA GROWLS)

Ugh.

- Poor little Catzilla. - (CATZILLA GROWLS)

You want a home, don't you? You wanna get out of here.

Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it.

You're a stupid cat, aren't you?

Yes, you are. And ugly. Extremely...

- (CATZILLA MEOWING ANGRILY) - (ERNIE AND LARS EXCLAIM)

(ZAPPING)

(CATZILLA YOWLING)

Oh.

- Oh, you little bastard. - We'll take him.

- (LARS GRUNTS) - (CATZILLA MEOWS)

- Here, boy. - (CATZILLA YOWLS)

- (CATZILLA GROWLS) - (LARS PANTING)

(TOY SQUEAKS)

(CATZILLA MEOWING ANGRILY)

He's got the scent now.

Yeah, go get him, boy.

(LARS GASPS)

Easy, easy, easy, easy!

(CATZILLA GRUNTING)

Wow.

I almost feel sorry for the little fella.

- Almost! - Almost!

(LAUGHS)

(CATZILLA GROWLING)

(THUD)

(SNIFFING)

(GROWLING AND HISSING)

(ROARS)

(YOWLING)

(PIANO KEYS PLAYING)

(JARRING CHORD PLAYS)

(TUNE PLAYING)

- (CATZILLA YOWLS) - (PIANO KEYS SWEEPING)

ERNIE: It's time to stop worrying about that mouse

and start thinking about how we're gonna locate $1,200.

LARS: Don't worry, Ernie. The workers will help us out.

(NERVOUSLY) You see, the truth is, (PANTING)

(VOICE BREAKING) we don't actually have any money.

(WORKERS MURMURING)

(LARS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

We may have to defer your next paycheck

- or two. - (WORKERS GROANING)

So my brother and I can pay the mortgage on the house.

It's the missing LaRue!

There's no need for violence!

Wait!

Put that thing down.

Whoa!

(LARS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(METAL CLANGING AT DISTANCE)

- (WORKERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY) - (LARS PANTING)

Ernie!

What's the matter?

Well, the workers, they didn't react as positively as I'd hoped.

(WORKERS CLAMORING)

No?

What are you doing?

You could fit through this window, right?

What? (SCOFFS) I guess so.

Come on. (YELLS)

Aah!

(WORKERS CLAMORING)

Oh, but, Lars, that was our last resort!

We're gonna have to find the money some place else.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Gosh, it's a shame nobody's interested in buying the factory.

Yeah, yeah, it's a shame.

But who'd be stupid enough to buy the factory, right?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

(GROWLING)

(SNARLS)

(CATZILLA YOWLING)

- (MOUSETRAPS SNAPPING) - (CATZILLA YELPING)

(SNARLING)

(GROWLING)

(SNARLS)

(WHINES)

(GROWLS)

(CATZILLA YOWLING)

(EXCLAIMS AND YOWLS)

(CRASHES)

(CATZILLA HOWLS)

Oh, you must be... Caesar.

Well, Mr. Caesar, we're glad you could get here so quickly.

(SHUSHES)

(KNOCKING UPSTAIRS)

(SNIFFS)

(SOFTLY) You have mice.

(WHISPERS) He's good.

5120 Nortondale.

January 4th, 0800 hours.

Don't forget to get toothpaste and Saran Wrap.

We're in sort of a hurry. I just wanna warn you about this mouse.

(LOUDLY) Yeah! You got asbestos, all right!

I'll bet it's up in the ceiling, mostly!

Shouldn't take me more than a day or two to remove it.

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, then. Um, uh... So, we're gonna go upstairs!

All right, well, we'll all go upstairs!

Yeah.

(STOMPING)

Okay, then. Yeah.

What are you doing?

(SOFTLY) He's not listening anymore.

Oh.

Good. Well, you're the expert.

I just hope you can take care of this, whatever it takes.

We've been trying to catch this menace all week.

Here's your problem.

Normal people are not...

psychologically equipped to catch mice.

You have to get inside their mind.

You have to know what they want... need.

You have to think like a mouse.

If you can do that, if you can think like a mouse,

you can anticipate their moves.

Then, boom! Sayonara, mouse.

(SIGHING) Well, you got some great stuff.

- (LOUDLY) Whoa! Never touch that! - Whoa.

(ERNIE AND LARS YELLING AND EXCLAIMING)

- All right! - What is it?

The big one.

It's a flea bomb!

Works on mice, too.

Yeah? It better. Because we can't handle any more intrusions.

Sure. That's how you perceive it.

But to that mouse,

you are the intruder.

(WORKERS CLAMORING)

I think if we work fast, we can make enough string to meet our orders.

That's the spirit. Just a few cases so we can keep the LaRue.

- Good luck. - Yeah. No. Wait! Where are you going?

- Aren't you going to help? - I have to run a little errand.

I'll see you later.

All you have to do is make $1,200 worth. How long can that take?

Light a match, they're frightened by fire!

(LARS GRUNTING)

(MACHINERY CREAKING)

(GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(STEAM HISSING)

(WHIMPERS)

(GASPS AND EXCLAIMS)

(WHIMPERING AND GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(SOFTLY) Unsanitary creature.

Defecating... in the dining room.

0915. Evidence found.

Mus communis. Ugh. Male.

Ten to, uh, 12 centimeters long,

with a...

Hmm...

What's this? A slight calcium deficiency.

That's interesting.

Uh, hi. This is Ernest Smuntz of Smuntz String.

Is this the business representative for Zeppco International?

Vinny? Hi, Vinny. Oh, I'm glad I can call you Vinny.

Uh, my brother and I have decided to reconsider your generous offer.

I'd love to discuss selling our factory to you.

Oh, no, not at the office.

How about Ellman Square under the big clock at noon?

(WOMAN 1 CHUCKLES)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- (WIND BLOWING) - WOMAN 1: Ooh!

- WOMAN 1: Ooh! - (WOMEN APPLAUDING)

(VEHICLE HORN BLARES)

- (TIRES SQUEAL) - (METAL THUDS)

(BELL TOLLS)

(KNOCKING)

You, you must be Mrs. Lars Smuntz?

I'm afraid that status is in transition.

Oh, well, is Lars in? I'd like to discuss preparations for the auction.

The auction?

(MACHINERY CLANKING)

(LARS PANTING)

Careful, Lars. You might catch a cold.

April!

You look like you could use some warming up.

CAESAR: Thirteen hundred hours. I've activated the Squeak Seeker 2000.

I'm about to join with the prey.

I'm experiencing malfunction with the plasma screen. Stand by.

(SCRAPING)

Junk.

Nothing works.

(GRUNTS)

What?

(GRUNTING)

(WIRE WHIRRING)

Ah, nuts!

(YELLING)

(CONTINUES YELLING)

EKG, a C-spine, a chest x-ray and pelvis. Now move!

Twelve hundred dollars...

Lie still, Mr. Smuntz, you've just been hit by a bus.

I feel fine. What time is it?

You may have had a concussion. We're gonna do a series of x-rays.

You don't understand, Doc.

I have to get out of here. I might still have a chance.

- We saved your hat. - Ah!

- I'm sorry. Are you family? - Yes, we are sisters.

Great. There's some paperwork I need for you to fill out.

Is he an organ donor?

Don't let them fill anything. I don't even know them.

Oh, I'm Hilde and this is Ingrid.

- We are hair models from Belgium. - Belgian hair models. How exotic.

Listen to me, Doc. I need to find a phone

before I miss out on the most important deal of my life.

I think your brother is a little delirious.

I am not their brother. I don't have any sisters!

Ernie, are you okay? I came as soon as I heard.

Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?

Because April gave us the $1,200!

So she just up and gave you the money?

You don't think she heard about the auction?

No. I didn't even tell her about the auction

until after she took me back.

She just showed up at the factory

took off her coat and begged me to take her.

(SIGHS)

We made love in a way I've only ever seen in nature films.

Wow.

I almost can't believe it.

I'll be able to open another restaurant, you're back with April,

and you'll even be able to keep that worthless factory.

You know it's funny that you call the factory worthless,

because, well, there's something

I probably should have mentioned before.

Yeah? Well, I guess I have something to confess, too.

Hey, isn't that Caesar's truck?

- Oh, my God! - Caesar! What happened?

- Please, sir. He's not well. - Try to think. Did you kill the mouse?

What's that? Horse?

- Fiendish! I won't eat it. - No.

- Aah! - ERNIE: Ah!

(GROWLING)

(CAESAR SQUEAKING)

How'd you find him? Where was he?

- 911 call. No voice. - (CAESAR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

We could hear screaming in the background.

He was locked in a trunk in the attic.

We'll call you if we get any leads.

(TAPE REWINDING)

- What's that? - (TAPE PLAYING)

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

- CAESAR: Put that down. What is that? - (TOOL WHIRRING)

- (MUFFLED GROANING) - (OBJECTS CLATTERING)

- That tickles! - (LIQUID SPLATTERS)

- (CAESAR SCREAMING) - (BODY THUDS)

(RECORDER STOPS)

I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse.

- (GLASS SHATTERS) - (ERNIE GASPS)

My kitchen!

Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich.

Pickles, arugula and capers.

He toasted the side with the cheese...

but not the other side, so the arugula doesn't wilt.

How did he know that?

- Hello. - Hello.

(BOTH YELL)

Ow!

Ow!

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

A-ha!

(PANTS)

(LAUGHING)

- Do you see him? - Yeah, I see him.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

Lars, I'm stuck! Get me out of here! I can't breathe.

I'll get a flashlight.

ERNIE: Hurry!

(GAS HISSING)

- Here, Ernie, I got it. - I can see that.

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Hang on, Ernie. The flashlight's broken.

- Okay, Ernie. (LAUGHS) I got a light. - Great.

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFING)

- (HISSING) - ERNIE: Lars, do you smell something?

Smells like gas.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(ERNIE YELLING)

(ERNIE CONTINUES YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(LARS GROANING)

(GASPING, GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERING)

Wha...

(MUMBLES)

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

(GRUNTS)

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHIMPERING)

(CRIES OUT)

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.

- Come on, Ernie, no, no... - Stand back, Lars!

I'm a man on a mission!

Look, this is how accidents happen! Come on, Ernie.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Put the gun down. Calm down. Come on.

I'm gonna blow his furry little head off,

and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain

from here to kingdom come!

No! You're gonna blow a hole in the wall.

- Come on! - It'll be worth it!

- Think of the auction! - (BOTH GRUNTING)

For God's sakes!

Think of the money, Ernie, huh? The money!

They're gonna cut our price if there's bullet holes in the walls.

- The money? - Yeah, the money. The moolah. Yeah.

(PANTING)

- There he goes. - Shoot! Shoot!

(JARRING CHORD PLAYS)

Yes! You hit the piano! You hit the piano.

- Look. - Shh.

(GUNSHOT)

What are you, crazy? You're blowing the whole house up.

The only thing you haven't hit so far is the mouse!

Would you give somebody else a chance with that gun?

(GUN COCKING)

You're doing a wonderful job.

Whoa!

- You got him! - (BLOWS)

(LAUGHS)

(WHIMPERS) Get him! Get him! Get him!

See you in hell, mouse! (CHUCKLES)

Fire!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(COUGHING)

God, I hate that mouse.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

ERNIE: (OVER RECORDING) When you hear the beep, start talking.

(OVER SPEAKER) Mr. Smuntz, this is Vinny from Zeppco calling.

We waited at the square for over an hour,

but you never showed.

We do not appreciate being treated this way,

especially after your brother

already turned down our generous offer.

Consider our proposal withdrawn.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

- Betrayed by my own brother! - Betrayal?

Don't talk to me about betrayal.

You should have told me about that offer!

- Half that factory is mine. - And half is...

And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell.

Yes, and would have if not for that stinking' bus!

Bus?

You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything!

Me? You blame me for this?

Look! You blew a hole in the floor!

I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot! Shoot!"

Yeah. Well, you never listened to me before!

- And you know why? - Why?

Because I have no respect for you!

Spending your whole life in that stupid factory!

It's tragic.

You think I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my life?

You think I didn't have ambitions of my own?

- Come on. You loved string. - I didn't love string!

Well, you could have fooled me.

You and Pop were always huddled together

running some piece of something through your fingers.

It didn't matter what I did. I didn't even exist.

I made him my special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday.

- Oh, no! - Yes! You remember.

I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect.

Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"?

No.

He only noticed the string I had tied it with.

(SIGHS)

He was crazy!

But I still wanted his approval.

I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out.

There you go again!

Blaming everything else but yourself.

You think you're a success? Huh?

Well, you... can't... cook!

- I hate you! - And I hate you!

Not as much as I hate you!

- Yeah? - Yeah. Double. Double!

Give me something! I'm gonna brain you!

Here it is!

Yeah, give it to me, then! Go ahead! (YELLS)

You killed him! (LAUGHING)

I didn't even know he was there!

Let's think of all the trouble we could've saved ourselves

if we'd just thrown fruit at him in the first place.

LARS: Oh, look! He's still breathing!

- Well, kill him! - Yeah!

- Find a blunt object! - Yeah...

- There it is. - There you go. Get that...

- Let him have it. - I...

What the hell are you waiting for?

- I can't just hit him with a shovel. - Why not?

Well, look at him. He's pathetic.

ERNIE: Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail.

This is The Omen with whiskers.

Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming.

- Well, he's a living thing. - Not for long. Gimme that!

(GRUNTING)

I can't!

(CRYING)

Look at him just lying there.

It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike.

We gotta do something quick! I think he's coming to.

(MOUSE SCRATCHING)

Oh. I forgot to put holes in the box.

(CHUCKLING)

Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!

Come on. We got work to do.

Two days till payday, my friend.

(IN SPANISH)

(VIOLINS PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(IN ENGLISH) Perfect. It's the architectural find

of the decade. Let's go...

- Shall we? - Yes.

Well, it wasn't easy,

- but we finally made it. - Mmm-hmm.

Ernie, I want you to have something.

(SIGHS)

Pop's lucky piece of string.

I'm glad you kept it.

He, uh, wanted us to share it. I don't know why,

but I think if he were here right now, he'd be proud of you.

I think he'd be proud of us.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, ladies. How magnificent!

- Welcome! - (WOMEN GIGGLE)

Lars, you remember Ingrid and Hilde.

- Hello. - INGRID: Hello.

Oh, ladies, your hair looks positively biblical!

HILDE: Oh.

- INGRID AND HILDE: Thank you. - (LAUGHS)

Well, if you will excuse me, I have to check on my crêpes.

Keep the champagne coming, boys.

The more they drink, the higher they bid.

Hey! You boys put on quite a shindig here.

Thank you so much, Mr. Falko.

Mmm.

You know, it would be very, very sad

if you boys put on this auction and nobody bid.

That would put a real crimp in our evening,

but I don't think there's any danger of that happening.

I don't know. There's a lot of Eurotrash scarfing up the shrimps.

I tell you what.

You call off the auction. Now.

And I will write you a check

for ten millions.

(SIGHS) As insanely generous as that is, I have to decline,

but I do appreciate your thoughtful concern.

Enjoy the party.

Are you interested in spooling?

Oh, sure. My father...

I mean, my brother and I own a string factory.

- Really? - LARS: Mmm.

Oh.

I would love to see your factory sometime.

Really?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, hello, April. What a surprise.

Just dropping by for no reason, I suppose?

- Does a wife need a reason? - Ah.

Oh, are you entertaining?

- Don't you mean "ex-wife"? - Not quite yet.

- Ah, hakuna matata. - This crêpe. C'est magnifique.

- The raisins are a nice touch. - They are good, aren't they?

Raisins?

(SCREAMS)

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

We are about to start the auction.

Lars, I don't know whether to congratulate you or wish you luck.

- Wish us luck! - Hello, April.

- Hello. (CHUCKLES) - Nice to see you again.

- I didn't know you knew our lawyer. - It's just an expression.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

for joining us for this momentous occasion,

the auction of our one item out for bid, the missing LaRue.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

MAN: Before we start,

I would like to introduce you to the very fortunate owner

of this architectural wonder, Mr. Ernest Smuntz.

Thank you, all, for coming.

When my father left this extraordinary house to my brother Lars...

and myself,

uh, we had no idea what surprises were in store for us

or what was going to happen next.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

When Quincy Thorpe

of the Historical Society told us of its value,

you, uh...

- you could have knocked... - (BANGS GAVEL)

Us over with a feather.

We...

didn't know what hit us!

The renovation was exhausting, but ultimately, rewarding.

The house was in terrible disrepair,

but nothing that a few nails...

(MICROPHONE SQUEAKS)

(CONTINUES BANGING GAVEL)

And some old-fashioned elbow grease couldn't fix.

I'm sure the people are eager to get to the bidding.

What? The bidding?

- The bidding! - All right. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Smuntz.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

No matter what happens, keep going.

Built in 1876, the last LaRue in existence has five bedrooms...

- Did you see him? - Yes!

I thought so.

- He ate the string. - What?

- The string. Pop's lucky string! - (SIGHS)

The son of a bitch ate it!

- Why didn't you tell me you saw him? - I didn't, I found this.

(ERNIE GRUNTS)

I told you, you should have weighed him.

I'm sorry.

- Did you see where it went? - No. But it can't have gone far.

Well, shall we start the bidding at $1 million?

Now, we all know we're here to bid on the missing LaRue.

Shall we start the bidding at $500,000?

Very good. I have $500,000 from the gentleman from Japan.

- Now can I hear a million? - A million.

I'll give you one and a half.

I have $1 .5 million. Will someone give me two?

(GASPS)

- There he is! - (LARS GASPS)

AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to remind you,

that all the carpets and tapestries were woven by hand

in an honest valley

- in Northern Turkey. - (CHUCKLES)

Now, can I have an advance on 1 .5? May I have two?

Can I have two, ladies and gentlemen?

- Two million! - I have $2 million.

I have $2 million, ladies and gentlemen.

- Can I have an advance? - (ERNIE CHUCKLES)

- Can I have an advance on $2 million? - (WHISPERS) So beautiful.

AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to draw your attention

to the Lincrusta details

of the gold and silver-leafed copper and pewter...

- (GRUNTING) - (HILDE GASPS)

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have an advance?

An advance on $2 million?

- (HILDE EXCLAIMS) - AUCTIONEER: May I hear $3 million?

I have $3 million from the lady

- from New York City. - (LARS CONTINUES GRUNTING)

- What are you doing? - (GASPS) Nothing!

Get your hand out of there immediately!

(GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

Wait! Wait just a minute!

- Wait! - Now may I hear $4 million?

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (GRUNTING) - Ooh. Ooh.

LARS: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

AUCTIONEER: Four million.

Four million from the gentleman in Japan.

I got it!

Uh, the Sheikh bids $5 million. Thank you, sir.

- I have $5 million. - Ah!

AUCTIONEER: Five million dollars.

(LARS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Can I have an advance on $5 million?

Ladies and gentlemen, $5 million.

Can I have an advance?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the missing LaRue.

The bidding stands at $5 million, ladies and gentlemen.

I've got you now, my little friend.

Hold onto it, I'm gonna get it out.

(GRUNTING)

Five million dollars for the missing LaRue.

- Have you got it yet? - I'm not sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, will someone give me $6 million?

Six million.

Thank you, sir. I have $6 million.

- Hilde, the spool is smoking! - The bidding stands at $6 million.

- (ERNIE GRUNTS) - May I have an advance?

(HILDE AND INGRID WHIMPERING)

- An advance, ladies and gentlemen. - (SCREAMING)

Can I have an advance on six?

The bidding stands at $6 million.

- Seven million. - $7 million. Thank you.

- Any advance on seven? - (LAUGHING)

Seven million dollars, I have seven.

(CHOKING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Keep her away from the walls! The house is priceless!

- Keep going! - Can I have 7.5?

I have $8 million.

$8 million going once, $8 million going twice...

$8 million? You should have taken the check!

You shut up! You...

- Ten millions! - $10 million. Can I have 11?

I have $11 million from the gentleman from Japan.

Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

A-ha!

- $16 million from Ernie Smuntz. Oh. - No!

- Seventeen million. - $17 million. Thank you, sir.

I have $17 million. Any advance on 17?

(ALL YELLING INCOHERENTLY)

Good idea.

When I tell you to, turn it on full blast. We'll flush him out.

Now!

$18 million.

Eighteen million dollars from the lady from New York City. Thank you.

You don't have that kind of money.

- Ernie? - Not now.

(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Twenty millions. - 20 million. Thank you, Mr. Falko.

I have 20. Can I hear 21?

(CREAKS)

Twenty-one million dollars from the gentleman from Japan.

- Any advance on 21? - 22 million. That's my last offer.

22 million going once...

- Twenty-five millions. - AUCTIONEER: $25 million.

Thank you, sir. $25 million.

$25 million.

The bidding stands at $25 million. Do I have an advance?

$25 million going once,

$25 million going twice...

- Uh... - (RUMBLING)

- (AUCTIONEER YELLING) - (GUESTS SCREAMING)

Going... going...

(INGRID GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

- Hey! Don't go! - (GUESTS CHATTERING)

- The water was just a... - (WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

A demonstration of how durable a LaRue really is. (LAUGHING)

How about that?

Now you know this house will last forever.

(APRIL LAUGHS)

(MAN LAUGHS)

(SOFTLY) Pop's lucky string.

I guess we got him.

Yeah, I guess we did.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(SWITCHES CLANGING)

(MACHINERY STARTING)

What was that?

Lars! Look!

It's string.

It's cheese.

And the entire factory has been retrofitted

to facilitate the manufacturing of cheese-based products.

I see.

And over here we are developing our new lactose-free line.

- What is that? - Oh, that's quality control.

Here you go. Knock yourself out.

Oh, no good, huh? Otis, more curry.

Okay. Try this one.

Huh?

It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right?

I've also got a great idea for caviar-brie swirl,

and a peanut butter and jelly provolone for the kids.

But what I really want to talk to you about is expansion and marketing.

I think you should be our spokesperson.

I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson

and it seemed to work out pretty well.

You see, I want to turn this

into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...