Original subtitles

It's miss Jeanette, sir, she's ringing for Helene.

How is she ringing? Gently or howl?

Insistently, sir, very insistently.

- Mr. Desmereau. - Yes?

Should I go up and tell her you let the maid go?

Yes, Frank that might be... no.

I better tell her sooner or later about everything.

Now is a good of time as any.

It is well, sir.

Helene!

Helene!

Ugh.

On.

How do you like that.

Helene!

Hello!

Hello, who's this?

Who's this?

I asked first.

- Oh, Jack. - Jeanette, why aren't you here?

What's the matter you're not here?

Oh, if you only had half the trouble I'm having.

Everybody keeps asking, "where's Jeanette?

Everybody's here but Jeanette.�

They're all here.

Harry, edna... you know edna.

Charlie, darlan, all of them.

You know, Jeanette, this is the biggest night of my life.

Listen, if you'll just hang up I'll...

You know what I keep saying?

I keep saying,

what's the fun in inheriting 3.5 million dollars on a night like this if Jeanette isn't here.

Why aren't you here, Jeanette?

Oh boy, what a party.

- Helene. - Passed out cold and we took him outside

and put him in a keep our city clean.

Some fun, why aren't you here?

Look, you just go back to your table

and tell all the pretty girls how it feels to be rich and I'll see yah later.

Pop, what's the idea?

I rang for Helene.

I know you did, I thought it would be best.

- Thought what would be best? - To let Helene go without you knowing.

Helene gone?

What did she do to cause you...

Now listen, honey, you may as well know.

On.

First the driver and then the housekeeper and now Helene.

Oh, I would have fired Frank but Helene can't cook

and you can't cook and I can't cook and Frank can.

Pop, just how broke are we?

Practically flat, not counting the silverware.

Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I was hoping something would happen, I didn't know what.

Why don't we sell the house?

Well, mostly because we don't own it anymore.

On.

Things as bad as all that?

Oh, we're all right as long as Frank can shame the grocery man

out of asking for his money.

And what are you using to pay Frank?

Nothing at the moment, he says he'd rather be here cooking than on relief.

Of course, he likes his bedroom.

Oh, I tried for a job and you'd be surprised.

You shouldn't be working when you have a muscle-bound daughter

who's never even torn a page off a calendar.

- You aren't going to work. - Oh, yes I am.

Oh, no you're not

because once they find out that you're working to feed us

they'll all crack down on me.

I'll spoil any chance I have to recover something out of my investments.

But you've been looking for work.

I had an alibi.

I'm an old man, retired too long, now I want to go to work just for the fun of it.

- They'll believe that. - They'll believe me too.

- Oh Jeanette. - Ms. Desmereau is tired of parties

and dances and saying hello to people she doesn't like,

nibbling at caviar in the magnificent hall with her wealthy parents

- so she's going to work. - Now honey.

Not because we need the money.

Who are we to need the money.

No, I'm working for laughs.

But you're not born for work.

You're not trained for it.

- Where are you going? - I'm staying home.

We've got something to talk about for a change.

Where were you going?

Jack Bristow's party. Remember?

At midnight he takes over that $3.5 million estate from his guardian.

$3.5 million?

Is he going to try to spend it all tonight?

Oh, we sure could use us a heap of them turnips ourselves, couldn't we, pop?

I don't know, I've developed quite a fondness for my pork and beans.

- Hello? - Hello, Jack?

No, he sent me to the phone, he's busy.

- Who are you? - Me? I'm his bodyguard.

- His what? - Bodyguard.

He starts fights and I finish them.

Oh, how lovely.

Would you kindly tell the body that Ms. Jeanette Desmereau called to say that...

Oh, Ms. Desmereau, I've seen you a lot of times when I was with Jack.

Remember me, Cyrus Anderson?

No, I'm sorry I don't.

Well, you remember that long party at the bishops when Jack hit the Butler

and the Butler hit Jack and I had to hit the Butler and three waiters?

White pants and at a lawn party.

Oh, that's very unusual but I don't remember you.

Wait, but did you by any chance have an ice cream spot on your tie?

- Say are you trying to... - I'm trying to tell you to tell Jack

that I'm very sorry, I can't come to his party and if you would be so kind as...

Certainly I would be so kind. You can't come and you're sorry, fair enough.

- Would you like to look into the future? - No thanks, things are tough enough.

Then he jumped out the window.

- Jeanette Desmereau... - Was that Jeanette on the phone?

She won't be here.

No? Why not?

How do I know? She can't come and she's sorry.

Hey, watch your tone, you're working for me, remember that.

I'm working for your guardian and shut up.

- Hey, I am sorry. - Oh, that's all right.

What do you mean it's all right? I'm sorry about Jeanette.

I'm going to marry her someday.

Why?

Oh, because sometimes when you meet a girl

you know right away she's the girl you're going to marry.

- Why? - Well, because you feel it.

Marrying her is the best thing you can do.

Why?

Well, you take certain other girls.

Why?

Hey, what is this "why, why, why?"

Who do you think you are anyway?

That goes for you too, nosey.

- Nosey? - Yeah, nosey.

Hey, there's a bad man after me, bodyguard.

You do the cutest things.

Whoal

thanks.

Hey, I don't want to go home!

- Oh! - I don't want to go home!

Look, in three minutes it will be midnight. See?

You know what's gonna happen in three minutes?

Yeah, you'll be too rich to shave your own chin.

- But do you know what else? - Sure.

You're gonna fire me.

- Oh, how did you know? - It's simple.

I was hired by your guardian in the first place

and I know that you know what I think of you.

What are you going to do after I fire you?

Don't you worry, I'll manage.

Maybe on a newspaper again?

Maybe.

Maybe back on the road gang, huh?

How do I know?

You know what I hope?

I hope you starve to death.

I'd rather do that than guide your tender body.

Hey.

Why are we stopping at your place first?

You're supposed to take me home.

You can take yourself home, it's midnight and I'm fired.

Oh, I meant to tell you, now that you're fired...

You tell me nothing.

Now that we're winding things up I've been thinking about how for two years

I've been your bodyguard, fighting all your fights for you.

- At a darn good salary. - Yup, but I'm not getting paid anymore.

- Now put up your Dukes. - Huh? Why?

I'm going to slug you.

All my life until two years ago, I started my own battles and I finish them

because I like to fight and now for two years I've been holding myself back

watching you make a horses neck of yourself

until I had to step in and hit the wrong guy.

Now this time I'm going to hit the right guy.

Put 'em up.

- Now Cy, listen... - Hey, what's the idea of hitting your own friend?

Friend my eye, you're looking at a guy who just inherited $3.5 million, he didn't earn.

Oh, I know him.

Jack Bristow.

The kid that's always having somebody hustle our cab drivers.

Right, now do me a favor and forget you ever saw this.

Wait, I'll do you a favor.

There ain't a cab driver in town that wouldn't chip in a buck to bury this boy.

On.

Say, that was pretty.

Yeah.

I still haven't hit the right guy.

Give him a couple of dollars.

So long, ma.

Keep supper hot.

You better get yourself another cab.

Oh look, Cy, I was only kidding about firing you, honest.

No I'm through, now go on home and let me alone.

But I don't want to go home, I don't like to be by myself.

It's my birthday and you broke up my party and I'm lonesome.

I've got 12 bedrooms at my house.

- What's the matter with 12 bedrooms? - They're empty.

All right, go fill them, beat it.

Well, how about I stay here tonight, I won't bother anybody, honest.

Oh, all right, junior.

Yippee!

Come on.

I'm in.

Boy, this is swell, Cy.

Ah!

- What are you doing on my bed? - I'm going to sleep here.

- Yeah�? How about me? - Well, I'm your guest

so I figured you'd sleep in the divan.

Thanks.

Say, Cy, if you could do anything you wanted to, anything, what would it be?

I'd pass a law forcing you to eat that $3.5 million, why?

No, I mean on the level.

What work would you rather do than anything else?

I don't know.

When I was on newspapers I thought a lot about editing a magazine.

- Magazine? - Yes, magazine.

What's the matter with running a magazine?

Nothing I guess.

What kind of a one?

For men.

Men who earn their money the hard way.

Oh, I suppose that's a crack at me.

You asked me and I told you.

What would you call the magazine?

I don't know.

Maybe I'd call it the man.

That's a silly name.

Oh, be quiet.

Almost as silly as the idea of you running it.

I can write.

You'd still look silly.

Your firsts are too big.

I wouldn't be surprised if one of these days you got a surprise.

About what?

Oh, nothing.

Hm?

- Ouch! - What's the matter?

Nothing.

How do you do, is Mr. Bristow in?

Uh, are you a friend or are you a writer?

- A friend. - Okay, uh, he's in his office.

- Won't you sit down. - Uh, thanks.

Come in.

Hello.

Jeanette, how did you ever find this place?

I had to.

Oh, say, you're putting it on aren't you.

What do you mean had to?

- I'm looking for work. - Work?

- Oh, you're kidding. - I'm not kidding, I want to work.

Well, I don't blame you, it is fun.

From where you sit how do I look?

Do I look like a magazine publisher?

No.

Well, I will, first, I've got to find out how a publisher looks.

How about the job?

I'll tell you what, you can marry me and have half the magazine.

I'm telling you I want a job.

- Are you on a square about this? - Yes.

As a matter of fact, we need someone like you around here.

Yes, indeed.

Of course I promised Cy I'd let him do the hiring.

You know, organization, routine.

You don't know Cy, do you?

- No. - He's the editor, he...

What do you want?

Uh, you pressed my button.

Yeah? Who's button is that?

- That's Mr. durkin's button. - Who's button is this?

That's Mr. egley"s button and next...

Next is your button.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Well then one of these has to be Anderson's button.

Uh, yes, sir.

I suppose I pressed your button?

Yes, sir.

All right, go get Anderson. Tell him I can't find his button.

Never mind.

- Hey, Cy. - What?

Come in here a minute, will you?

Something always happens when I try to look important.

I think you're prettier without your buttons.

Cy, this is Ms. Jeanette Desmereau, Cy Anderson.

Oh sure, we've talked on the phone the night of the party.

- You? - Yup, I've been promoted.

I thought you ought to meet here because she's going to work for us.

- How nice. - Yeah, you'll take care of her of course.

Show her the ropes.

We might even make her assistant editor.

- Assistant editor? - Oh, no Jack that's darn sweet of you.

What does an assistant editor do?

Yes, what does she do?

Well, how should I know, you're the editor.

You'll forgive me I hope but I don't remember saying I wanted an assistant.

You'll take her and like her.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

As long as I'm doing the financing around here.

Look, Jack, maybe I better...

No, you don't you stay here.

All right.

What experience have you had?

- I was editor of my school paper. - Marvelous.

- Have you written anything since then? - Why?

- I see, can you read proof? - What?

Congratulations.

What types of stories and articles do you think should appeal most to men?

Don't you answer him.

Listen, smart guy, this girl comes from one of the finest families in the country.

Of course, you wouldn't know about that.

And she went to one of the finest schools in the country

and she edited one of the finest school papers in the country

but this magazine doesn't have to be a play thing for girls with too much money.

- Oh, so now I'm rich. - Well, aren't you?

Well, what if I am?

Has a law been passed saying I can't have a little fun holding down a job?

Besides, I'd like to earn enough money to put my father through college.

There you are, you asked for it.

Put her on salary starting tomorrow.

- Thirty dollars a week. - Thirty bucks?

- How about $35? - Make it an even $40.

Just a hunk of whipped cream from the gold coast.

For fifteen bucks we could at least have hired a girl who could spell cat.

Okay, Ms. Desmereau, please have your driver drop you off at nine in the morning.

- On your head. - Nine tomorrow.

- Yes, my lady. - Thanks for the job, Jack.

Oh, Mr. Anderson, I promise that starting tomorrow at nine

I'll work as hard as I'm able, do everything I'm told to earn my salary.

- Mhm. - But it isn't tomorrow yet

and I guess this is the only chance I'll have to tell you

that I think you're a mean, stupid, illiterate, overgrown horse face,

mule eared idiot.

You can't run a magazine because you can't think

and you can't think because you're too busy trying to be tough

and even if you could think it wouldn't do you any good

because you'd only be thinking you're twice as tough as you really are.

I'll see you tomorrow at nine.

Tomorrow at nine.

Good morning.

I was just wondering.

About what?

About the time.

On!

Oh, I'll never make it!

No honey, this is wrong, all wrong, let's call the whole thing off.

And grow our own beans?

Well, what about breakfast?

Breakfast, it's lunch I'm worrying about now!

Poor kid.

Hm.

Poor kid.

Express elevator, 14th floor, first stop.

Good morning, boss.

Morning.

14th floor, first stop, watch your step.

What your step, please.

Can you tell me the time please?

- 8:57. - 8:57.

That's three minutes before nine, isn't it.

- Thank you. - 14th floor.

- Here I am. - Floor please.

- Six, sixteen. - Six, sixteen.

Sixteenth floor.

Come in, Ms. Desmereau.

Well?

- Well, what? - You told me to come in.

Oh, so I did, I was thinking about you last night.

Wondering about a job worthy of your particular talents.

Lady, I've found it.

As you know, ours is the down to earth magazine for the down to earth man.

Mr. Brown, for instance, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith.

Uh, take those names down.

Brown, Jones and Smith.

- Have you got them? - Yes.

Your first job then, Ms. Desmereau, is to take uh,

take this phonebook and count all the Browns, Jones' and Smiths.

Is that clear?

I don't think that's a very bright job for an assistant editor.

In fact, I think it's a frame up.

Oh no, because after you finish those I have a little surprise for you.

You're going to count the Cohens and the Goldbergs too.

Happy?

- Where do I sit? - Outside at the little desk in the corner.

The one with all the dust on it.

I'll go get some more dust if it will make you happier.

Oh no, don't bother.

Just don't try to add those names by columns because you have to eliminate all the women.

Take them one at a time.

- Oh, Ms. Desmereau? - Yes?

It's nine o'clock and I'm your boss now, remember?

Do you speak French, Mr. Anderson?

No, why?

What does that mean?

It means, I love you.

431, 432, 433, 434, 435.

436, 437, 430...

- Mr. Anderson. - Well?

There's some things to be discussed about this business of copying names.

Now here's a firm named Jones and Jones,

it's fairly certain they belong to the same family.

Shall I count them as one Jones?

I don't care how you count them, just count them, that's all.

- Oh, Mr. Anderson. - Well?

Now about this firm of Jones and Jones again,

they much have home phones too, how am I to know which home Jones

is the same Jones in business?

How do I know?

All you have to do is keep busy and let me alone.

- But you see, there's two... - Can't you see I'm working?

Will you please go?

Here, measure these articles and tell me how many column inches these ones run.

- Uh, yes sir. - And hurry it up.

Yes, sir.

No.

I think we're going to have a little trouble with the Smiths.

I'm the editor of this magazine and I can't do a thing

so long as you keep bothering me.

Oh, that's a shame.

But here I am, taking an advanced peek into the Smiths and what do I find?

A company named Smith and Jones.

Now I'm sure I must've counted that Jones when I was back in the Jones'

but how am I to know if I counted this Smith?

I can't leave them both out and I can't leave them both in.

Now what do you think I ought to do?

Look, what do you say, let's forget the whole thing.

Let's forget I ever thought about it.

I've got to work.

What do you think I'm doing? Playing tag?

You told me to count these names

and I'm going to finish them whether you like it or not.

And I'm going to keep coming to you whenever I run into trouble, like this.

Now here's a Frances Smith.

F, r, a, n, c, e, s.

Sometimes when it's a man he spells is c, I, s, but sometimes he doesn't.

And even when he's a girl, sometimes she spells it that way too.

And it's the same with c, e, s.

She can be a man or a women.

Now you said we don't want women.

So when I was back in the Browns and Jones'

I took every other Frances and decided she was a girl, is that the smart thing to do?

I said, is that the smart thing to do?

Have you measured those galleys yet?

- No, sir. - Why not?

I'm counting the Goldbergs.

- I give up. - Yes, sir.

- Good morning. - What do you want?

- What are you yelling at me for? - I'm not yelling at anybody.

What are you trying to do? Write?

If you ask me, looks like you're pretty ignorant.

Is there anything you want?

Yeah, I want to tell you, I moved into your apartment.

You what? Why?

Well, I told you, it's lonely in that big house.

Besides, our magazine is supposed to be the working man's friend

so I figured I'd live in the dump.

Dump, thanks.

Well, how about some breakfast before we start our working day, huh?

Breakfast, do you know it's seven?

All right, why argue, lunch?

Yeah, maybe I better get out of here.

This place is enough to drive anybody nuts.

- Good morning. - Mhm.

How about a little lunch?

- I'll be right with you. - Fine.

Come on, Cy.

Beans on the lunch, coffee later.

- Same. - Beans?

Yes, beans.

You're supposed to be a working girl why don't you find out how a bean tastes.

No thanks.

Pardon me.

Waiter, will you bring us a copy of the special menu for millionaires.

Huh?

Never mind, garcon.

I'll go slumming on an order of breasted pheasant.

With shirred canary eggs dipped in diamond dust.

Why we haven't got that, miss.

I've never even heard of it.

- Give me roast beef on rye. - Sure, coffee?

Coffee.

Because you probably haven't got what us millionaires usually drink.

Hey, what's that?

It's made of old magazine editors boiled in their own crust.

A couple of us don't seem to get along.

Say, what'd you do all morning?

I counted names in the telephone book.

The Browns, the Jones', the Smiths, the Cohens and the Goldbergs.

- What? - Yes, I counted them.

Did you tell her to do that?

Yes, why.

That's what I want to know, why.

All right, I'll tell you.

I started a magazine on the level, I was ambitious

and the first thing I knew, I had an assistant editor thrown at me

who couldn't earn a nickel doing honest work.

She doesn't have to earn a living but I do

and if she hangs around gumming up the works I'm walking out.

- No wait a minute... - You told me what to do and I did it, didn't 1?

I'll do everything you ask me to

except walk out on my job

and the reason I'm sticking is because my dad and I are broke.

Get that straight, I'm working because we need money to eat.

I promised dad I wouldn't tell a soul

but it doesn't matter because you're not human.

You're not anything.

Serve mine over there, away from all this wind.

Mine too.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, forget it.

Coffee now?

No, let me have the check, for all three.

Ey, thank you.

I'm sorry, kid.

The salt, please.

You know, I always thought you came from a fine family.

What's the matter?

You at dinner putting ketchup on your French fried potatoes.

I like them that way.

Sodol.

I like lots of things you like.

Let's get married, huh?

Surprise everybody.

Surprise ourselves.

What time is it?

Will you marry me?

Oh, I told you "no" when we were eight years old.

Well, think of all the fun you could have.

Owning half the magazine and firing Cy.

Why don't you fire him?

Oh, he gets mad so darned easy.

That old bulldozer.

I'd like to see him try to get tough with me again.

How can he when you go around the office everyday

looking right past his left ear.

He deserves it though.

If you ever get smart enough to marry me

and he keeps on acting like that

I'll hit him over the head with a pole and run.

Where is he now?

Home.

Let's go there and annoy him, shall we?

Just for fun.

- Fun? - Let's make him mad.

Let's tell a certain wise guy what we think of him.

Say, it took you a month to put him in his place

why don't you let him alone now.

Maybe he's working, we could turn on the radio real loud and dance.

Or practice hog calling.

No, he almost hit me on the jaw once.

Well, why didn't you throw a rock at him?

Rock? At him?

All right, I'll throw a rock at him.

Sure.

What can he do if a lady throws a rock at him.

He's a gentleman.

I hope.

All right, wait a minute.

Hello, we'd thought we'd annoy you.

Hello.

Have a couple high balls.

There we were sitting by the beach

thinking about nothing so naturally, we thought of you.

At first, we were going to buy a shotgun

but then Jack thought that would be too messy.

So all at once, we discovered this.

- What's that for? - In case you get on my nerves.

- I'm going to throw it at you. - Say, you two have had about eight cocktails

- already haven't you? - Oh no, but we'll join you in a high ball.

- Hey, what happened to all the soda? - You drank it.

- 1 did not. - Well, all right, the mice drank it.

What a joint.

I'll go around the corner and get some.

- I'll go with you. - Well, never mind I'll be right back.

No, I'd rather go.

What's the matter, you're afraid to stay here?

I'll be back in five minutes.

So you're gonna throw this at me if I get on your nerves, ey?

That's right.

Well, I don't blame you for the kind of heel I've been.

Nice specimen, quite a bit of iron in it.

I'd imagine if you hit a man on the head with that

it will knock him flatter than a stove lid.

That's what I'd hoped.

Nice little place you've got here.

Who does your cleaning?

You don't like me, do you?

No.

The first time I met you I could have bitten your ears off.

That's not news.

I suppose not but since then I've changed

and you've changed.

Well, something's changed.

Oh, you can certainly gum up a man's life.

Has any other man ever tried to tell you he loved you?

- Yes. - Well, what did you do?

I laughed.

Go ahead, laugh if you want to.

I can't.

What are we going to do about it?

I don't know.

Oh, why did you have to bring this up anyway?

Just how do you feel, I mean, about me?

- What difference does it make? - Come on, tell the truth.

Well.

I'd like to follow you around and call you names.

I'd like to see you slip on ice.

I'd like to be a queen and order your head chopped off

so you'd come crawling on your hands and knees

begging for mercy.

I've even imagined how I'd laugh.

A delicate, silvery laugh that would tear your heart out

and put goose pimples on your back.

That's only the first stage, I've been through all that.

The second stage is a tough one.

Ah, the whole thing's crazy.

Why is it crazy?

For a lot of reasons.

One is that right one I keep seeing myself on a white horse with a scar on my cheek

from whipping thirty villains single-handed.

And you're standing on the sidewalk, thrilling to the tolls

watching me ride by, saying you'll faint if I look at you.

Ah, but I'm not that good.

Nobody's that good.

You're more of a kid than I am.

What else do you see?

Well, I see myself taking you in my arms

and then you'd draw back and sway a little bit because the kiss has dazed you.

I'm not that good either.

Oh, you daze me all right.

Aw.

I guess I love you to death.

Doesn't it make you mad?

A little.

I came here to throw a rock at you.

I know.

I brought the soda.

Did yah?

I thought you hated him.

So did I.

I've asked you to marry me 50 times.

At least 50 times.

You knew that.

I guess I forgot.

Yeah?

- I'm sorry, Cy. - It's okay.

- No, heat of the moment, I... - Sure.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Boys! We're friends, honest.

Same as before?

Same.

I guess this is on the level.

I guess it is.

I wonder if I'll stay this way.

I can't keep on getting dizzy forever.

Sure you can.

As long as I ride that horse.

Did you ever notice this?

No.

I was on the newspaper, 40 bucks a week when I bought it.

Five dollars down and ten a week for two years.

City editor said I was nuts.

I guess I was, but every now and then, you do the right thing without knowing why.

I know why now.

'Course the ring will have to be whacked down to fit you.

- Aw, gosh. - Star sapphire.

- Do you like star sapphires? - Oh.

Look at the star in it.

On.

You get it in the right light...

No, it's too dark.

Sometime, when we're in a strong light,

I'll show you a star that'll knock your ears back.

Oh, I think it's beautiful even in the dark.

I suppose there are some things we oughta tell each other,

I mean, before we're married.

Are we going to be married?

- I was saying, there are probably some... - Probably.

Let's skip them, shall we, and talk about the things

that'll be important later.

What do you mean?

Well, in the first place, I don't like spinach.

Now, someday, you're liable to cook it and I won't eat it,

and, well, see what I mean? That's important.

Well, this isn't exactly the hour of mutual confessions

a girl dreams about.

- Turnips get me down. - I like turnips.

But, uh, marriage is a matter of concession,

so in our house, we won't serve spinach and turnips.

How 'bout kohlrabi?

What's kohlrabi?

Mm, no, you wouldn't like it.

No, a man who can't stand spinach wouldn't have a chance with kohlrabi.

Fair enough, cross it off.

I sleep on my right side.

You do? I sleep on my both sides, and on my back and on my stomach.

Oh, that looks like trouble.

Ah, we won't let it lick us.

Say, we're liable to turn out all right.

Break it up, buddy.

Well, now that you've brought all this up,

there must be other things.

We'll take 'em in our stride.

Right.

I want to tell you now.

This is the happiest I've been in my whole life.

When a man does that for a woman,

I think he should know it.

You ought to see your eyes.

They make me wanna walk on my hands.

Look at that sky.

Boy, that's a sky.

What do you want me to call you?

Mike.

Why Mike?

Oh, I don't know, it sounds like something you'd say.

What do you want me to call you?

Just plain old Cy.

I love you, Mike.

Okay, Cy.

- Today? - Sure!

Instead of us going to a church or the city hall,

I'll bring judge Buchanan to the apartment at 5:30.

No rented dress suits, no friends to feel sorry for us,

no nothing.

Click, and we're married.

Well, what about Jack?

Maybe we'd better tell him tomorrow. It'll be easier.

Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

How 'bout dinner tonight?

Well, uh...

- Well... - Oh.

Isn't it crowded around here?

Why aren't you at the office?

Why aren't you?

Well, uh, I was going to surprise you.

I'm moving out of your new home.

- Oh... - Oh, I knew.

When's the wedding?

This afternoon.

I suppose there's no use telling you you'd be better off marrying me.

No, I suppose not.

What's all this?

That's the stuff I don't want.

Thanks. We'll just leave it here and build a little fence around it.

I could've left it in the drawers.

Oh, why do that?

Why leave it where nobody could ever see it?

This is certainly a great setting for a wedding.

Where's the broom?

What broom?

The...

I didn't know we had a broom!

You're telling me.

Oh... oh, don't do that.

Why not?

Doesn't belong here anyway.

All right.

I'd just sort of leave that chair there.

Yeah, I guess I just sort of will.

The whole place is like that.

I don't know; Cy and I didn't mind, but with a woman...

Oh, it's all right.

- We won't be here long. - Really?

Sure. Why?

Uh, you mention moving to Cy?

Why?

Nothing, only I know you haven't.

Because Cy thinks this is the greatest spot on earth.

Yeah?

Uh, there are other things you ought to be told too, maybe, about Cy.

You know, the little things that make all the difference

between misery and happiness in a marriage.

Thanks. We've talked all about them.

- Oh, have you? - Mm-hm.

Uh, about... about the toothbrush, for instance?

- What toothbrush? - Cy's toothbrush.

It's hanging in the slot over the basin.

He goes mad, stark raving mad, if anyone so much as touches it.

Not only the bristles, even the handle.

Why?

Oh, I don't know, he just can't stand to have anyone touch it,

any more than he can stand having this room clean

when he's working at home.

The more paper and things he throws on the floor,

the better he works.

Mm-hm.

But you'll get used to it, though.

Sometimes, he won't let the maid clean the place for a whole week.

Don't you worry about us, we'll get along all right.

Why, of course you will.

That's why there's no need of my mentioning Cy's snoring.

Does he snore?

Oh, not much.

Just kind of loud.

It sorta keeps you from sleeping.

But all you have to do is holler "hey!" And he turns over and doesn't snore again.

For maybe an hour.

If you want, I'll help you clean up.

No thanks. I'll take care of it.

If you were marrying me, you'd be getting a clean house and 12 clean bedrooms.

I've had that all my life.

Me too.

That's why I moved in here with Cy.

Do you think you could ever persuade him to move into your house?

What do you think?

I'd rather not spoil your honeymoon.

What time you getting married?

About 5:30.

Don't come to the office tomorrow if you don't want to.

- Tell Cy I said it was okay. - Thanks.

- Goodbye. - So long!

And thanks for telling me what a lovely guy Cy is.

I'm not a fella to talk, but wait'll you see her.

- Yes, yes. - She has brown hair

and combs it a certain funny way, you'll notice.

And brown eyes, and the prettiest smile.

We can perform the ceremony immediately, of course.

I must be at the county building in exactly 18 minutes.

Oh sure, sure.

Yes, quite pretty, I'd imagine.

Quite pretty.

Oh, you... I thought you said 5:30.

Sure, but judge Buchanan was all booked up except for now,

and anyway, I thought it'd be kind of a surprise.

We must hurry... 16 minutes, county building.

- I haven't finished! - What's this?

I didn't think you'd be here so soon and the place looked so dirty,

- I decided to clean it up. - Where are my notes?

- Notes? - Yes, those little scraps of paper

I had all over this desk.

- Oh, those. - Where are they?

Well, how should I know they were notes?

All pieces of paper, all different sizes.

If someone would just listen to me, they might find out that I have to be at...

Where are they?

In there some place.

Figuring eight minutes to get to the county building

leaves me six.

- There was nothing the matter with it! - I said...

Nothing the matter with...

Did you expect to bring a wife into all this filth?

Is... is that the thanks I get for trying to turn this pit into a home?

Oh, I didn't mean it, honest.

Mike, the place looked terrible, sure it looked terrible.

You oughta knock me over the head for getting sore.

It's all my fault.

If you ever yell at me like that again...

I won't, I won't.

Okay, we're ready.

This will have to be over in two minutes.

If you please... thank you.

Now, where did you put the ring?

It's right here, I've got it.

You mean to say we're getting married this minute?

- Of course! - No!

What's the matter?

What's the... well, look at me! My hair, my face, my clothes!

- My appointment! - Jeannette, the man has an appointment.

I've been patient, I've been willing, but Mark my words...

Doesn't it mean something to you that we're getting married?

This is a big day in my life,

I'm not going into it looking as if I've been run over by a streetcar.

Will you forget how you look and come on and get married?

There you go, yelling again!

- I am not yelling! - You are too!

I told you once, if you ever yelled at me again...

Hey! Where are you going? You have a wedding here.

To the county building, I told you... Over and over, I told you.

Now, come on, everything's gonna be all right.

Jeannette, open the door.

I will when I look like something.

If you don't open this door, I'll...

I was just thinking.

Even if you do get her out of there, what about a witness?

- Witness? - You can't get married without one.

Well, why didn't you get one?

- That's your business, isn't it? - Don't you talk to me like that!

I'm not going to be your wife.

Can't you see what's happening?

Will you get your watermelon head out of this?

So! I'm a watermelon head, am I?

- Now, you listen to... - Get out of here!

I see, I see; You want me to leave.

Oh hey, wait, please!

Oh hey, please, wait a minute!

Wait! Please!

Wait! You have to marry us!

Jeannette, he's gone, the fellow who was gonna marry us.

Gone? But why shouldn't he be gone?

I heard you tell him to get out of here.

Aww, I didn't know what I was saying, you got me all excited.

Oh. I got you excited?

You poor little boy!

Working in the dirt, snoring all night!

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Maybe this will make it clear.

Did you hear that?

I threw your toothbrush on the floor.

Oh, I suppose you think that was smart!

Who told you all those things about me?

Who do you suppose? Jack.

- When were you with him? - This afternoon.

You didn't tell me he was here.

- Well, you didn't give me a chance. - Sure, but you had a chance

to spend the whole afternoon blabbing about me with him.

Well, what if I did?

Oh, that's all right, I suppose, being up here with him alone.

Why don't you tell me he kissed you, too?

Yes, he kissed me.

That's great, that's swell.

You gonna ask me to the wedding?

You...

If I had any sense, I'd have gone out that door with him this afternoon.

Well, thanks. Goodbye!

Where are you going?

On my honeymoon!

Good! Send me a postcard.

Cy?

Well, how was your honeymoon?

I went out to see where that fellow went.

I'm awfully sorry about that stuff about Jack.

But if you hadn't acted like a...

Like a...

Oh, there's no use starting another argument.

The judge is gone, we're not married.

- What are we going to do about it? - Huh?

Oh, I can get him back tomorrow.

For another fight?

Let's be grown-up for a minute, huh?

We're really in a tough spot, Cy.

This thing that happened this afternoon was silly.

But it's important,

because it proves once again,

the moment we get within 10 feet of each other,

we have to fight.

That's true, isn't it?

Isn't it?

I guess so.

Well, now that we've both admitted it,

what do you think?

Have we much of a chance for a happy marriage?

I suppose it would be pretty tough for you to be hooked up to a guy like me.

Oh, I'm not thinking only of myself.

I don't want to spoil your life any more than you want to spoil mine.

I know.

If two smart people were up against something like this,

I mean, figuring what the future had for them both together, I...

I suppose they'd grin and say they were lucky to find it out in time

and call the whole thing off.

Yes, I suppose they would.

I mean, the only reason they'd think of calling it off is that

each would be doing the right thing by the other,

for the other's happiness.

That's the only reason.

Well... we're fairly smart, aren't we?

Are we�?

Sure we are.

Friends?

Friends.

- Shake on it? - Sure.

I'll take you home.

- No, please. - Oh, wait.

Look, I, uh...

I had that star sapphire put in a smaller setting,

like I told you.

Doesn't it look great?

It's lovely.

I was gonna give it to you as a sort of wedding...

I mean, now that we're still good friends and I can't wear it anyway,

would you take it?

No.

Why not?

No.

Pop, we did right, didn't we?

Calling off the marriage like that.

Well...

If we had been born 20 years sooner, we probably would have married,

despite ourselves,

and turned our lives into a nightmare.

But people are facing things these days.

They... they have to!

And you'd be surprised what a little logic will do for happiness.

- Would 17? - Yes!

Oh, why don't you talk with me?

Why do you keep saying things that don't mean anything?

I'd like to talk with you about Cy.

Honestly.

But you seem able to make your own decisions.

Then why don't you tell me I'm crazy?

Show me what a terrible mistake I'm making?

Argue with me.

Is love always this way, pop?

Lifting you up to the clouds and knocking you down again?

Burning you up inside so that you want to destroy

everything in your life that's worthwhile.

Is that love?

I've sort of lost track of you, honey, since you've grown up.

Ten years ago I would've given you castor oil.

Come in.

What are you doing here?

What about you?

I'm... I'm moving back in.

He asked me to.

He asked you to?

Yes. He said you...

Well, why not?

Why shouldn't you move back in?

Well, I feel kind of funny about...

- You want a highball? - No, I... I came to get my bag.

- Did you see it? - Sure.

That was disposed of nicely.

- Did you put it there? - No.

When that Cy is finished, he's finished.

- Jeannette. - Hm?

What would you've done if you'd found Cy here?

I knew he wasn't here.

How did you know?

I... I found out.

I called the office.

What do you care?

He asked you to move back in, didn't he?

What difference does it make?

It makes a lot of difference.

Will you listen to me just once?

- Please? - Sure.

You mind an honest bit of talk?

No. Go right ahead.

Well, don't let this bother you,

but I've been hoping all long you and Cy'd bust up.

Thanks.

Let's see. I was eight years old the first time you told me

you wouldn't marry me.

- Right. - And I'm still asking.

Oh, you're making a big mistake treating me like that.

I wouldn't be surprised.

No, seriously.

Look, uh, are you coming back to work?

No.

Well, far be it for me to meddle,

but how are you and your father going to live?

Oh, I'll find a job somewhere.

Doing what?

- Well, uh... - You know there's nothing you can do

without training or business ability.

You're used to a certain kind of life and that's all you know.

I tell you what.

I'll be a sport and pretend you haven't had any trouble with Cy.

I'll step in just as though nothing had happened, and...

Jeannette, will you marry me?

You better watch out.

Catch a girl at a time like this and she's liable to accept.

Well, I'm not such a terrible bargain.

Over three million dollars in my own name,

pleasant disposition,

comb my hair every morning.

I wouldn't even be surprised

if you told a woman she was right once in a while.

Well, remember about 18 years ago when I put a hair from a horse's tail

in a bottle of water because you said it would turn into a shake?

Mm-hm.

Jeannette.

I've loved you since I was able to write your name on a fence.

You know that, don't you?

We grew up together, had a lot of fun.

Enjoyed each other's company.

Well, I'm the same as ever, and so are you,

except for those cockeyed ideas about romance.

Maybe I don't make the blood pound in your head,

but at least I can offer you security.

And I can promise you a life wrapped up in making you happy.

Jack, you're about the best friend I have, but...

But what?

Oh, I... I don't know what.

I... I suppose the world is full of women eating their hearts out for the wrong man,

when the right one stands by,

ready to offer everything in the world that counts.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Come on, what do you say?

I get...

Jeannette, I... We'll be married right away.

Oh boy, where's my hat?

Where's my... We'll go to the city hall!

That's it... we'll elope to crown point.

We'll go home and get my car.

Where's my... oh, here.

Where's your, uh... what time is it?

You just looked at your watch.

Oh, did 17?

Did you have a coat?

Gee, how do you feel?

- Jack, listen. - No, no, no, not a word.

We'll have dinner at Joe's first, after I get the car.

Do you remember Joe?

Oh, look at me.

I got a rib stuck in my throat.

Oh boy, oh boy!

Did he cash it?

For fifty dollars, that's all he could spare.

Have you plenty of gas?

Right up to the top.

How... how 'bout the oil?

Had it checked this morning.

- How 'bout the water? - Everything is perfect.

- We're all set for our first elopement. - Oh.

Ya, ya, we're gonna get married

ya, ya, we're gonna get married

ya, ya, we're gonna get married, ya, ya...

I beg your pardon, sir.

Take that kitchen bonnet off.

Sorry, sir, first time it ever happened.

Now we can talk man to man.

- What it is? - A gentleman at the door, sir.

He's looking for miss Jeannette, and he says I'm a liar.

A gentleman?

Yes, sir.

Well, did you get his name or his fingerprints?

Henderson, sir, Cyrus Henderson.

Send him in.

- But not really. - Oh, come on, be a sport,

send him in, before I crown you.

"Tis well, sir.

- Hello, Cy. - Where's Jeannette?

- Are you her father? - I don't know.

What kind of talk is that?

- I said I don't know where she is. - Oh.

Now, this is very old wine.

Very old and very fine.

There are only three bottles of this...

We've gotta get something straight right away.

To Jeannette's mother, rest her soul.

Isn't she sweet?

Lovely.

She threw an inkwell at me once, her mother.

Yeah?

Listen, about Jeannette.

Oh yes, Jeannette.

L, uh, I suppose she told you we called off the wedding.

I believe she mentioned it.

I guess she told you why.

She didn't have to.

I can take one look at you and see why.

Huh? Yeah?

- Well, what's the matter with me? - Everything.

You act like a mule Skinner,

you look like you've just swallowed a piece of sandpaper.

I suppose you're knee-deep in beauty prizes.

At least I don't break into a house as though I were raiding an opium den

and greet the Butler by calling him a liar.

Yeah, I know; That's why Jeannette...

Well, I'd change if I could and act like a human being, but...

Well, there's no use kidding myself, I can't!

Well, who wants you to change?

Fellas like you are scarce enough as it is.

Come on, let's have some more wine.

She was a lonesome maiden and I was a city slicker

we met one night when I was fight, and...

- Hey! - Yeah?

How far is it to crown point?

I don't know for sure.

Can't you make a guess?

Sure. Sixty miles.

Oh, it is not!

All right.

Oh, why don't you argue?

Why don't you do something besides sing and grin?

Oh no, not me.

I promised you, 'member?

Oh, she was a lonesome maiden and I was a city slicker

we met one night when I was tight

my eyes gave hers a flicker, oh...

Stop! Pull over.

What's the matter?

Here!

Have you a telephone?

Yes, madam, right in the house.

- Thanks. - What are you gonna do?

I'm going to call dad and tell him.

Nol

excuse me.

Okay.

Yeah, I suppose I'll end up marrying some sweet-tempered little dame

and shoot her for being nice.

You're really giving up Jeannette?

What else can I do? That's what she wants.

My eye!

Excuse me.

Hello?

On.

Yes.

You what?

Mm-hm.

Yes.

Where?

Oh, I see.

Well, aren't you going to wish me good luck, or...

Or yell at me, or something?

Of course.

Goodbye, good luck.

Cy, I think I'm going to like you a lot.

Why, thanks.

Come here.

I want you to take a good look at her.

That was painted the year before Jeannette was born.

- She was beautiful, all right. - Indeed she was, bless her.

Only came up to about here, but a scrapper if ever there was one.

Scrapper?

See that chair?

Go on, try it.

That's a real sitting chair, isn't it?

Yeah.

You wouldn't think a woman as small as Jeannette's mother

could lift that chair.

I didn't either.

Here's where it landed the last time.

Oh, I could show you lots of other souvenirs,

but what I'm getting at is this:

That Jeannette's mother and I fought from the moment we met,

and we loved it.

You and Jeannette are fighters.

You're happiest with a bump on your noggin

or a bruise on your hip.

You're perfect for each other.

But you're wrecking your lives with logic, logic.

They can prove on paper that two fire eaters shouldn't be mated,

but I've got a busted chair that proves that they can,

and it gives me more kick than a quart of bourbon.

It's patched, wired, glued, mended.

It almost broke my skull wide open,

but you couldn't take it away from me for all the spinach in Greenland.

That's your life with Jeannette.

Every bit as wild and as cockeyed as the life this chair has led.

But it's the only way either of you will ever get five cents' worth of fun

out of being on earth.

And in about 45 minutes,

while you stand there snapping at flies,

she'll be married.

- Married? - Yes.

Would it interest you to know that she's on her way to crown point right now,

eloping with Jack?

- Eloping? - Uh-huh.

- With Jack? - Yes.

So he grabs her when my back is turned, huh?

The snake in the grass.

Why, the dirty, lowdown...

- Where's your car? - Finance company has it.

- What? - But I let the gardener next door

keep his motorcycle in my garage.

- Let's go. - Well, can you run it?

Who cares? Come on!

Are you sure you know how to stop this thing

when we do get there?

I thought I'd run it into a tree.

Maybe it would have been better if we'd never met.

Here we are, this is the one, see?

"Marriages performed.�

Well... here go.

Ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

ya, ya, we're gonna be married

hello.

We wanna get married.

Are ya drunk?

No, but we can get drunk.

You're in the wrong place, neighbor.

Aww, we were only fooling, honest!

A fine time you pick to be fooling.

Come in.

Go in.

How 'bout your license?

What license?

Your marriage license!

What do you think this is, a hamburger stand?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Get me Len Noble.

Maybe he'll write you one.

And maybe he won't.

Emmy!

- Hey, e, Emmy! - Yes?

Come on down here.

There's another pair of those, uh, whatchamacallits from Chicago.

What did that sign say?

It said "stop."

Here you are, all filled out and rarin' to go.

- Uh, how much do I owe you? - $9.50 even.

- $9.50? - Yes, ma'am.

Two smackers to write the license and $7.50 to get me up.

Well, how's this?

Fifteen dollars and you can put yourself back to bed.

I ain't reluctant.

Well, let's go.

Hey!

You all right?

Ah yes.

By the way.

My name is Alfred Desmereau.

Sure. How do you do?

The ceremony I will now perform is of my own inspiration,

in keeping with the rich fullness of your life to come.

My children, you are now embarking unto the vast, forbidding,

uncharted sea of life.

Are you ready?

Ready.

Ready.

Emmy. Come here and witness.

How long we been out?

Twenty minutes,

a little over.

Aww, they're married already, I know it, I can feel it.

Don't tell me how you feel.

Let's find out.

For the marriage of two souls is as the divine workings of nature.

It is as the union of the rain with the soil.

It is as the union of the bee with the flowers.

It is as the union of the stars with the night.

It is as the union of the sunset with the sea.

It is as the union...

Bee with the flowers, sunset... oh yes.

It is as the union...

It is as the u...

Will ya stop that?

- Will I stop it? - Yeah.

Do you realize I've been standing here in a draft for ten minutes,

waiting for that voice of yours to say something?

Can't you ask us if we'll take each other for better or for worse,

and we'll say yes and get it over with.

Young lady, whether you know it or not,

you're right in the middle of this ceremony and I demand quiet!

And there isn't any draft.

There is too!

I say there isn't!

Jeannette, the marriage! We...

I say there is!

I say there...

Gesundheit.

What's the matter with you?

Well, all I was trying to do is stop your sneezes.

That's what everybody does to stop sneezing.

Yeah?

I demand quiet during this ceremony!

And what are you yelling for?

Quiet, I say!

John Jacob Bristow, do you...

John Jacob Bristow,

do you take Jeannette Desmereau to be your lawfully wedding wife?

- 1... - Through thick and thin,

through trials and tribulations,

through hardships and poverty?

- 1... - I suppose you wrote that too.

Well, what if I did?

Nothing, except you're wearing yourself down talking about poverty

to a man who only has three and a half million dollars.

Hey, I don't care if he's got 20 million dollars,

- he's still nothing but a... - Henry!

Yeah, why drag me into it?

Nobody dragged you into it,

and if you don't like it,

you can go out the way you came in.

Well, I was only asking.

All right, then be quiet and listen to yourself get married.

Both of ya!

John Jacob Bristow, I ask you.

- Do you take Jeannette Desmereau... - Are you going to let him

- talk to us like that? - I came here to get married

and that's what I'll be.

I don't care if he yells his doggone head off.

Through trials and tribulations!

Henry! Your blood pressure!

Yes.

Hey!

Where do you get married in this burg?

- Are you kiddin'? - No!

Well, there's a place over there.

And there's one up here.

Then there's one over there, just go down...

Jeannette Desmereau, do you take...

You heard what he almost called you, why don't you pop him?

Oh, let him yell, what do I care?

I'm gonna get married!

Hey, look out!

There's the car.

Come on!

And thin, through trials and tribulations...

- Hey! - Oh! Cy!

What do you think you're doing?

Say, do you realize that you're interrupting

a wedding ceremony?

- Get out! - Sit down and be quiet.

Hey, listen, you can't talk to me like that in my own home!

Sit down!

You've got a nerve.

If you ever pull anything like this again, I'll brain you.

Now, wait a minute.

Jeannette's through with you, what business have you got...

- Where'd you ever get that idea? - Say, haven't I anything to say?

And you, trying to get married behind my back.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Go ahead, hit me.

Jeannette, don't pay any attention to him.

Who does he think he is, busting in here like this?

We're getting married and it has nothing to do with him!

Well, maybe if we talked things over.

What do you wanna talk over?

Perhaps... perhaps it would be better if we didn't rush into things.

Will you tell me which one of you fellas is gonna marry the girl?

Who do you think's gonna marry her?

Emmy! Call Len Noble.

It's the only way either one of us will get five cents' worth of fun

out of being on earth.

There ceremony I am about to perform...

We're like an old chair...

And in keeping with the full richness of your life...

I said, we're like an old chair.

Oh, pop's been talking!

Well, there's something pop didn't tell you I think you ought to know.

- What? - I can lift that chair too.

Are you ready?

- Yeah, we're ready. - Ready.

Now we gotta wait for the license.