Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

* Somebody's getting you down

* Well, you know it's just a phase, girl

* Get up your Saturday night

* Well, you know you'll be all right, girl

* Well, you don't know what you're doing without

* Let me show you what I'm talking about

(ALL CHATTERING)

* I see the boys on the block

* And they ask me where you're at, girl

* I say you're wasting your time

* Better get on up to bat, girl

* Well, you don't know what you're talking about

* And I don't know but we'll figure it out *

Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready.

Let's go. Let's go.

All right, you guys, let's go!

All right, second year waiters, second floor.

The rest of you guys downstairs.

New guys, I'm Don Sharpe, your supervisor.

Stow your gear as fast as you can

and we'll see Mr. Wallman and then head for the dining room.

Summer coming up, Don.

Yeah, you madmen keep in line.

Yeah! Ouch!

God help us! Another summer with Mad Bobby Grossman.

Gentlemen, I salute you.

Nice face.

Oh, blinding! Blinding.

(LAUGHS)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

(SINGING MARTIAL MELODY)

* Was a bold and fearless man *

What's that? It's a flute.

A what? A flute.

You don't play that. You're gonna kill me with that thing, all right?

Hey, you're a neat guy.

Hey, Rizzo, next time leave your sister at home, all right?

Ramirez, I would like some big tetas this summer, you know?

Hey, Steinberg, uh,

I took the upper bunk, okay?

Grossman! What is that?

This?

This is a little gift for all those asshole colleges

that turned me down.

Hey, I see you brought your hardware again, too, eh?

Just keepin' the peace.

Sure. Sure.

Well, De Noekio? What do you think?

What do I think? I think all this fresh air's gonna give me a rash.

I don't trust air I can't see.

I need that Beaucoup scent.

(INHALING) The smell of snatch in the air.

It's too quiet around here.

(RATTLING)

Caparello.

Caparello.

BERGMAN: Hey, can you play a cha-cha on that?

(LAUGHING)

All right, now, listen. Fats, Lobster, listen up.

The whole shack is counting on you guys. Should you succeed,

the names Ernie "Lobster" Newburg and Israel "Fats" Solowitz

will be enshrined in the Camp Oskemo Hall of Fame,

etched in every urinal in the shack.

Now, I want you guys to get serious.

This is a sacred mission. You're heroes, jungle cats,

tracking your prey, invincible, undeterrable,

dedicated to the smell of meat.

(BOTH GROWLING)

(HOWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL CHANTING) Meat! Meat! Meat!

Let's go! Watch yourself comin' off of there.

If you fall down, I don't want you to sue, you know what I mean?

Rotten little bastards! Come on! Here we go!

Now! Come on.

Come on.

Oh, shit!

You should be in the dining room an hour before mealtime.

This will allow you plenty of time

to set up your stations and then eat.

Each waiter will handle three tables,

which means you're gonna have to hustle ass.

Gentlemen, this is Fred, the chef.

The boss of the kitchen!

Get in and out of the kitchen quick.

When you're not workin', you stay out.

If you don't,

I'm gonna cut off your balls

and serve 'em to the senior girls on hamburger rolls.

Understand?

All right, let me introduce you to the kitchen staff.

This is Andy on salads.

(SNEEZES)

This is Indian Joe on dishes.

This is the chef's assistant, Sweet Moe.

This is Mike the Pimp, drying.

This is Wino Willie on beverages.

Bible Looie handles the freezer,

but Looie doesn't seem to be around now.

Now, it's gonna take a couple of meals

for you new guys to get the hang of it.

But, by next week, it should all be automatic.

If you have any questions or problems, just ask me. I'm happy to help.

So get started!

Fred!

You big black mother!

How you doin'?

Freddie! Hey!

Come on.

(ALL YELLING)

(INDIAN-CHANTING)

Kavell! Kavell!

Solowitz, where the hell have you been?

You broke the camera, Solowitz. What took you so long?

I was trying to fix it. You stop for lunch?

You take a shit? What? What?

Forget it. You're forgiven.

All right, let's check out this stock.

Off the bat, look at this.

We got about a six and a half here.

Nice face, big tits, bad ass, big legs.

Steinberg! Steinberg!

Steinberg! He's a tits and ass man.

Steinberg, check it out, huh? Beautiful, right?

Kavell doesn't fool around.

He's not alive. The man has no pulse.

All right, Caparello... I'm in love!

Oh, of course, you're in love.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, look at this. A living glow.

Look at the size of this thing. That's a one.

A Dumbo for Solowitz!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh! Check this one out. We got a...

This is a solid eight. This is a nice face.

This is a nice body and, uh, nice everything.

Wait, Grossman, Grossman.

Over here. Come over here right now.

Stand at attention and check this out.

Look, you put a, a uniform on her,

and you slip some medals down the slope of her boobs.

You slip that big howitzer up the wazoo.

Appomattox, right?

(ALL CHEERING)

The man's a lunatic.

Oh, my God! A twelve!

It's the girl of my dreams.

She's gorgeous. She's mine.

Oskemo, I found a twelve. Gimme that! She's mine!

Give me that.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(SHOUTING) And the Lord said unto Bible Looie,

"Thou shalt walk among the masses,

"among the poor, the infirm, the sacrilegious,

"and thou shalt say unto them,

"'Fuck you, you assholes!'"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Bible Looie!

Them waiters are all wise guys.

They're an unwelcome necessity.

I don't like 'em, but then again,

I don't like anybody, including you, Federman.

I only like this camp.

And I like money.

I especially like the money I pay them little bastards.

They'll all fuck off, you know that. They always do.

And when they do, I'm gonna fine the shit out of 'em,

and you're gonna catch 'em.

After I fine 'em, I'm gonna give you 10% of everything I get.

Ten percent, Federman.

You're a greedy little bastard, do you know that?

That should spur you onward with a lot of alacrity. Huh? Huh?

(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

WALRUS: I would like to welcome you all to Camp Oskemo,

and I hope this is the start of your best summer ever.

Rabbi Blowitz?

We thank the Lord for our food,

his love, our health.

And in His eyes we begin this most wonderful of summers,

(SINGING IN HEBREW)

* Amen

(ALL YELLING)

Go! Go!

And the Lord said,

"Let there be bosoms!"

BOY: Hi, so... BOY 2: Hi.

Want some more food?

Hi, boys. My name is Bob Grossman,

and I'm gonna be your waiter for the summer.

Oh, yeah? I'm Albert Einstein,

so pass out more food, schmuck!

Chew on that, you little creep!

(BARKING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, (CLEARS THROAT) Mr. Wallman, uh,

two things about Parents Day, if I may.

One, let's keep the pork in the closet.

And two, if we could have sets of... Let me tell you something,

let me tell you somethin', let me tell you somethin', Rabbi, okay?

You take care of the religious shit,

I'll take care of the pork, all right?

If you had two sets of plates...

I don't give a fuck about the pork, all right?

We cover it up with this brown shit.

It don't make any difference.

I'll give you two sets of paper plates, all right?

Well, it would be helpful.

Hey, Jay.

We nearly dropped dead when we found out you were back in Oskemo.

We thought you'd taken a college coaching job.

No, no. College coaching can't compare to Oskemo.

Is, uh, Mark here, too?

Yeah, he's humpin' his ass on the senior table,

but we're savin' some energy for you

and a little basketball, my friend.

Yeah, we'll see if you dingleberries have improved at all.

Yeah, ain't you gonna be surprised, Dickie, boy.

You better get some extra practice in, you know what I mean?

Yeah, well, you'll overplay the bases.

It's Bergman in the tray pool. Who had it?

I won!

Pay up, Freddie.

(LAUGHS CONTENTEDLY)

(LAUGHING)

You look like you just came out of a bat toilet.

I hereby dub thee "Batshit."

Oh, God.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, Mark, I still can't figure out

how Batshit got the CIT table.

Yeah, Federman must've rigged the pool.

What an ugly face.

Steinberg, have you seen my watch?

Thanks, anyway.

(ALL SINGING IN SPANISH)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God! There... You're...

Cousin Judy!

Judy! It's Judy!

Judy, the prom, that's right. It's Barbara Marinsky.

Marinsky? CIT?

A Counselor in Training? I feel a surge!

My knees, they're weakening.

My heart... There's romance in the air!

My brain is spinning.

Guys, it has really been fun, but I have a headache.

Okay? Maybe tomorrow.

Ole.

If I had tits like those pulling me down,

I'd have a headache, too.

Shall we reconnoiter?

Bevies of beauties await you, Bergman.

Look at this. Enough for all of us!

Excuse me, miss. Do you know how to dance?

Yes. Would you like to dance?

Okay.

Listen, there's a crazy person in the room.

Just let me sit here and I'll protect you.

Hey, hey, is this guy botherin' you?

If he is, I can take him out.

What's goin' on here?

This is the guy. He's very dangerous.

Got thrown outta camp last year.

Don't listen to this man, he's very sick.

He's a pathological liar. He's paranoid, with delusions of intelligence.

What am I? Invisible or somethin'?

My name is Tony Ramirez. What's yours?

Judy Kramer.

Where you from, Judy Kramer?

Scarsdale. Mmm!

Lots of money, huh? Mmm-hmm.

Falling off the trees.

My dad makes deodorant pads.

(INHALING)

(SCREAMING CUTELY)

You're a CIT? Yeah.

Having trouble? No.

(POPPING)

I had a feelin' that you were first-year CIT.

You know... Oh, don't worry about him,

(SCREAMING) he does that all the time.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(KEENING)

I'm trying to talk over here,

would you stop foolin' around now?

My name is Mark Bergman.

And, uh, this here is, uh, Jay Harazznah.

Kavell. Jay Kavell. Hi.

And I'm Vicki Henderson.

(SLOWLY) And I don't fuck.

Fuck? Who said anything about fucking?

I didn't. I didn't, either.

Absolutely not. It's terrible stuff.

Yeah, we don't. Filthy!

Disgusting! It's nasty!

Germs! Ugh!

That's good, 'cause I don't want anyone to blame me

if they end up playing with themselves. Okay?

Okay.

See what you did?

See what I did?

EVIE: (CHUCKLING) Cute.

I'm Evie Bennett, and I do fuck.

I'm an asshole? Yeah! Probably you're always gonna be one.

Don't you understand?

If you would've left me alone with her for just one minute,

I would've charmed the pants off her and put her away,

then I might've shared her with you.

Kavell, don't give me that crap, okay?

I, who know you for the selfish dorkhead that you are.

Selfish? Yeah, anyone with eyes

could tell that she wanted to stay with me alone, okay?

Obviously you need glasses, okay, pal? Yeah.

Tell me, did you not see the waitress lookin' at me?

That's bullshit. She wanted to throw up.

Oh, that shows a lot of class.

You have no class, and you're an asshole.

Okay, let's talk about class, asshole.

You're the kind of guy who likes to fart in the bathtub

and smell the bubbles, okay?

Oh, that's real clever.

Bergman, you shithead!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

(BLUES MUSIC BLARING) Bullshit, Kavell!

(BIG BAND MUSIC BLARING) Irritating, right?

Just like you, Bergman, irritating.

You are a totally undesirable human being.

You got hair all over your body like a gorilla.

You smell like a used jock strap.

Your breath reeks.

You pick your nose, and then you take the snot

and you stick it on the side of your bed.

I've seen you do it!

If I pushed your face in dough,

I'd be makin' asshole cookies!

When she said that she didn't fuck, she was referrin' to you.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

Bite on that!

Take that...

(BLUES MUSIC STOPS)

(BIG BAND MUSIC CONTINUES BLARING)

What?

You wanna play records late at night?

Come here, I'll make your record play at night.

(MUSIC STOPS)

We'll give this to fate, all right?

That should do it. There's your record.

Okay?

Okay, pal?

MAN 1: Who left the refrigerator door open? You did?

MAN 2: Stupid kid threw a glass.

(ROARING)

Ah, got it.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Grossman, give me a break.

Well, men, pretty good chow, huh?

Batshit, Batshit. What?

Give this little message of affection to Vicki Henderson.

Hey, Batshit, give this to Vicki.

Oh, my God.

Let me see.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Hey, Evie. Hi, Jay.

You know, you made an ass of yourself.

I know.

Legends shouldn't do that, you know.

Am I a legend?

Among some at Oskemo.

And, uh...

I like you.

(EVIE MOANING)

(INSECTS BUZZING) Kavell!

(EVIE MOANING)

Listen, Evie, why did you approach me like that?

I wanted to lay a legend, you know?

Was I legendary? A minor epic.

Listen, it was fun, but I don't want you to think

that we're gonna have a relationship.

Oh, listen, Kavell, I don't want you to think

that this changes anything, because it doesn't.

I'm just here to have fun. Sex and fun.

No commitments. Just like the guys, right?

Find them, feel 'em, fuck 'em, then forget 'em.

(YELPS)

...thirty-six, two, watch me.

Hands up. Thirty-nine, two, forty, two.

Ten more. One, two, get in step.

Two, two, three...

Hey!

Keep goin'. Four, two, five, two.

Listen, what's been goin' on? Oh, nothin' much.

Yeah, same old stuff. You know, doin' well with poker and crap.

Goofin' off. Yeah, the shack ain't bad.

The guys ain't too bad. And Sharpe ain't bad.

Sharpe? Yeah. He's all right.

Listen, you gettin' laid?

Ah, not too good, not here.

I thought you were doin' better. I'm not doin' good.

You gotta be kiddin' me. You got the best-lookin' bunch of CITs

that I've ever seen. I'm telling you,

if they weren't off-limits to the counselors,

I'd be hot... Hot on their tail.

Same old same-old, right?

We're probably gonna raid 'em tonight.

Wrong. BOTH: What do you mean, wrong?

Wednesday.

Wednesday? Why?

I bang the CIT counselor. She'll be with me.

You're bangin' her? She's fantastic.

How is she?

BOTH: Aw, come on, how is she?

She's so good you wanna get off and watch.

Uh... Boys. Right.

Keep it up. Come on, all together.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

(EVIE MOANING)

Oh, Bergman.

Hey, look, if I made such an ass outta myself,

how come you dragged me into the woods, huh?

Oh, I wanted to lay a legend, Bergman.

Oh, yeah? So was I legendary?

(CHUCKLING) A minor epic.

Aw, come on, really?

Yeah, yeah, you were legendary. I'm running to my diary.

(WHISPERING) You got the cards?

The cards, money, I got everything.

What are you guys doin' here? It's 3:00 in the morning.

We wanna come.

Yeah, we wanna play tonight.

Besides, Sharpe isn't here this evenin'

so it's a good night for us. So can we go?

You guys are really hot about this, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

You really wanna come, huh? Yeah.

Really.

All right, l tell you what.

No way!

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm sorry to have awakened you so early.

But this morning, as Mr. Bergman and myself

were returning from yet another successful night of poker,

I realized that today, it was my solemn duty

to tell you about the great waiter's tradition here at Camp Oskemo.

The Great War.

The battle between the upstairs and the downstairs.

To my right, the ever-present Mad Bobby Grossman

has wheeled in that great trophy, The Walrus.

Mr. Bergman? You're too kind.

Okay, now for the rules.

There are no rules!

Anything goes except physical contact. Okay?

This is a friendly traditional battle, so no bloodshed,

but accidents may happen, so don't get cute.

Well, what do you guys say, huh? You in?

Yeah, sucker, we're in.

All right. Now, listen,

nobody's to say anything about this.

Okay, okay, okay?

ALL: Okay.

All right.

All right, the test.

All right.

The lineup for the kitchen help...

(ALL BOOING)

The waiters...

(BOOING)

Do you know, the immaturity in here is so overwhelming that I might faint.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Okay, okay. No, no, okay.

Now, remember, no high-sticking.

Check your oil?

(WHOOPING)

And no nastiness.

But a little touch every now and then is permissible.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL WHISTLING THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER)

I'll get you, my pretty!

And that dog of yours, too!

(CACKLING)

Play ball! Play ball!

(ALL YELLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Kill! Kill! Kill!

(MUFFLED YELLING)

All right!

Waiters four, kitchen help three.

All right, waiters!

We win, sucker.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(HISSING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right. Shh. Shh. Shh.

(SNORING)

(GROWLING)

(ALL YELLING IN ALARM)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CLAMORING IN TERROR)

What the hell's goin' on out here?

(SNARLING)

Oh, shit!

(HOWLING) Whoa!

Hey, Kavell!

Hey, don't kill yourself, it's only a joke!

Hey, I don't think you should be hanging from that branch.

(BRANCH CREAKING)

(BRANCH BREAKING) Grossman, you fucking idiot!

(THUDDING)

Kavell?

Ruff! Ruff!

Ruff!

Don't you ever touch me like that again.

Ow!

I was just checking for breast cancer.

All right, Kavell, take your Sucret.

Sucret? For a bad ankle?

You heard me.

Suck!

Oh, suck! Yeah. Suck, Nurse Bertha, okay.

Suck!

Why don't you suck wood?

So how's the foot, humphead?

Not too bad. I'll be on the crutches a week.

And Galbraith is taking me off active duty.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Yeah, you're some friend, leavin' me alone with that drunken old geezer.

But, you've been punished. Oh, yeah? How?

Vicki Henderson came in with a jammed finger,

I was left alone with her.

Alone to fondle her firm, delicious tits.

Alone to lay on the examination table

sucking Sucrets out of her mouth.

You know, you obviously have me mistaken

for someone who gives a shit!

And Moses went up Mount Sinai

to receive the Ten Commandments

from the Lord.

And the Lord God etched them in tablets.

Tablets of stone.

And this is the basis of our Western Judeo-Christian ethic.

GROSSMAN: Corregidor! Guadalcanal!

The Gulch! Midway! And now Oskemo!

As your commander, I beseech you to arm yourselves.

Gentlemen, we must ensure the honor of the second floor.

We must prevail!

Cannons to the right of them,

cannons to the left of them.

Do you hear them upstairs?

Do you hear these guys preparing?

Now, are we gonna prepare?

Yes. Are we?

ALL: Yeah!

Are we gonna let 'em kick our ass in?

ALL: No!

Goddamn right, we're not.

Yes, but into the jaws of death.

Into the mouth of hell rode the 600.

Hallelujah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey.

This is you and Brent Collins in the picture.

You played with Brent Collins? He turned pro!

Yeah. He was pretty good, but he had bad knees, cut his career short.

Why didn't you turn pro?

Never really interested me.

See, coaching is the thing.

So, why you're still here?

I haven't found the right spot yet.

I would like to turn Oskemo into an athletic camp.

Complete with NBA stars to serve as coaches.

And being Athletic Director would mean something then.

Did you talk to Walrus about it?

Yeah. And...

And, surprisingly, the fat asshole's considering it for next season.

Really?

(BOYS YELLING)

(WHISTLING)

Announcing the fourth annual kitchen Olympics!

All right now, our first contestant is Wino Willie.

Give him some encouragement!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, watch him, watch him as he attempts

to down four bottles of wine non-stop.

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLES SOFTLY)

(CLATTERING)

(RATTLING)

(SHUSHING)

What are you doing here?

Wanna come play with me?

Yeah.

Come on.

Do you know how lucky you are to be involved

with a good looking, rich, Jewish-American princess?

Of course I do. Oh, yeah?

I also know how turned on you are

at the prospect of being laid

by a ill-educated, poverty-stricken Puerto Rican.

Mmm.

What the hell are you doing?

(SHUSHING) (WHISPERING) How you doin'?

Aren't you glad to see me?

Not particularly.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna leave.

You know, let you two work things out. Yeah.

I mean, I heard about the infirmary and all,

and you probably wanna be alone with Jay.

(JAY CLEARING THROAT)

What are you talking about?

What did you hear?

Oh, not much. Just about your firm white breasts,

(CLEARING THROAT) Uh...

your milky white thighs,

and how you suck Sucrets out of each other's mouths.

You know, sweet little nothings.

(SCREAMING) (WHISPERING) Shut up!

What? Who? What? Shut up.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Shut up, shut up, shut up, everyone.

I'll pull the pin and I'll blow you all back!

I'll pull the pin, baby, and this ain't no pop gun.

Now, I know every one of you.

I mean, if one word leaks out about this visit,

I'm gonna track every one of you down

to your family trees, you got that?

I'll blow you the fuck up! Come on!

We're gonna tell Walrus about this.

Oh, shit, you ain't the only gal!

(YELLING) Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get outta here!

Get out! All of you!

(LAUGHING)

I really showed them dumb crotchwaffles, huh?

I wonder what they would've done if I pulled the pin like this.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING) It's only a dud, you jerk-offs.

Scared the hell out of you!

Kick the shit out of you!

(ALL YELLING)

Hey, you and you.

I want you wiseasses in my room, all right?

Your leg has healed miraculously.

Well,

it seems that some of my children got restless last night

and took to the woods,

thereby violating some of my most precious rules.

Of course, this cannot be tolerated.

Therefore, Mr. Grossman, Mr. Ramirez, Mr. Newburg,

Mr. Solowitz, Mr. Kavell, and Mr. Bergman

will be fined $50 each for raiding the CIT bunk.

All the rest of the waiters will be fined $25 each for

shared responsibility,

except for Mr. Kavell, who will be fined an extra $50

for faking a leg injury.

No!

Mr. Kavell, you're out of the kitchen and back in the dining room.

But my leg. I can't carry a tray.

If you can't carry a tray, get the fuck outta camp!

Leave Oskemo?

Never.

I will carry on the great Camp Oskemo tradition!

(BOYS HUMMING PATRIOTIC MUSIC) I will not pale,

not in the face of debilitating pain, or paralysis,

or disfigurement, or permanent death.

Permanent death?

(HUMMING STOPS)

Now, listen, Kavell, Bergman,

you're both troublemakers.

Thank you, sir.

You're also wiseass shits.

I asked you back against my better judgment.

Please, please, do not make me regret my decision.

I can't believe it. Sharpe must've said something to Walrus.

I thought he was our friend.

Well, this time, Walrus is gonna pay.

That's right. It's retribution time.

Yeah!

(IMITATES OWL CALL)

(IMITATING BIRD CALL)

(FIRECRACKERS POPPING)

(CACKLING)

(PIGS SQUEALING)

(FIRECRACKERS POPPING)

(MOOING)

(CAWING)

(SNORING)

(BLEATING)

What the hell? Jesus Christ Almighty!

(SCREAMING)

Goddamn kids again! Son of a bitch!

Oh, shit!

Get off!

Oh, shit!

I want 'em caught.

Rotten sons of bitches! Bastards!

Don't worry, Mr. Wallman, I'll fine the shit out of...

Oh, come on, Federman.

Jesus, you smell like shit.

(HUMMING)

All right.

(CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

Get it off!

All right you little grunts, you want. seconds, huh?

(EXCLAIMING)

And the Lord said,

"Let there be orgies!"

MAN: Who is that masked man?

(QUIETLY) You guys ready for war?

ALL: (WHISPERING) Yeah!

You ready to kick some ass upstairs?

ALL: Yeah!

We're going to seal all the exits upstairs, okay?

We're gonna nail open all their windows,

and then we'll lob a few cherry bombs, a few ash-cans.

l got some connections downtown.

We'll get some stuff real cheap.

(BLOWING TRUMPET)

You can't play, but we'll let you watch.

All right, it's a jack.

Okay, Jack, go.

With a jack, bet a dime.

I'm gonna have to call you.

(LAUGHING)

BOY: Come on, man!

SWEET MOE: Okay, I'll put in a dollar.

Hit!

Oh, big bullet! Let's go!

Keep goin'. Keep goin'.

(INAUDIBLE)

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Lookin' good. Lookin' good now, Fats. You're learnin' this game.

KAVELL: All right, come on. What, to me here?

Yeah. Another quarter. KAVELL: Okay, mine's up.

Whether you guys know it or not,

this war's already begun.

Do you know what they're saying about us out there?

Do you?

Do you know what they're saying about you, Duffo?

They're saying that you're fat,

and that you're a slob, and that you're a pig!

Now, that's all true, but it has nothin' to do with this war.

(BAT SCREECHING)

It's a spy! It's Kesselman!

Get him, Duffo!

Get him! Get him!

(BLOWING HORN)

(SCREAMING)

I wanna play cards with you.

But I don't know whether I should,

'cause I don't know whether I trust you or not.

You can trust me doing anything.

All right.

What do you got? Number above two.

FRED: You got three coming to you. Three.

FRED: Three for you. SWEET MOE: Oh, out of pity.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

He's Western Union.

(WHOOPING)

You were cheating! I saw you looking at my cards!

I didn't look at your cards.

You did, too!

I did not!

(STRANGLING)

(CHOKING)

Well, well, if it isn't King Kong and Godzilla.

Oh, my God, it's Nina the Nymph.

You know, you guys really make me puke.

I have never seen two grown men,

and I use the term loosely,

slobber over a girl the way you two have managed

to slobber over Snow White over there.

You know, you're such asses! Such losers!

You got a bite? I got something.

Hey, Evie, if we're such assholes and losers,

how come you balled us? Both of us, huh?

Yeah.

It's none of your BI business!

And I don't have to explain myself, either.

But if you're gonna be such yentas about it, I'll tell you.

I thought of it as a challenge, all right?

You two were so hot on Vicki over there

and you both had such machismo reputations.

Besides, I can ball anyone I want,

anytime I want!

Well, big deal. So can we.

Ha! Like hell!

Oh, yeah? Yeah! I bet you can't.

Yeah? We bet you can't.

I'll take that bet.

Fifty bucks. Name a name. Fifty bucks?

Fifty bucks? Name a name.

All right, you're on. Let me see, here. Come on.

Tough luck, Lucretia Borgia.

You gotta handle Rabbi Blowitz.

I'll take the Rabbi, and I'll make it real easy on you boys.

I won't name Vicki.

You two have Big Nurse Bertha.

Ha! Creepos!

Big trouble.

I'm very depressed.

Tough bet.

We're gonna need a forklift.

(SINGING IN HEBREW)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Rabbi Blowitz?

My name is Evie Bennett, I'm a CIT.

Yes. Yes. Shalom, Evie. Shalom.

What can I do for you? I know it's late,

and I hope I'm not interrupting,

but, you see, I have this problem,

boy, do I have a problem,

and you might say it's of a rabbinical nature.

And, well, I thought perhaps I can talk to you.

You see, I need help.

Yes. Yes, of course. Please, come in.

Thank you.

(READING ALOUD IN HEBREW)

Rabbi, this is so comforting to me.

"Bless the Lord, all my soul,

"and forget not all His benefits."

(READING ALOUD IN HEBREW)

"Who satisfied Thy mouth with good things

"so that Thy youth is renewed like the ego."

(COUGHS)

(CONTINUES READING ALOUD)

You got it? Yeah.

Got the Quaaludes?

Courtesy of Bible Looie?

Guaranteed by the great Looie, to cool the monster out.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Not yet!

(BOTH STIFLING GIGGLES)

(SIGHS)

(GULPING)

Ah!

I've always been kind of shy

around members of the opposite sex.

Oh, Rabbi, I know just how you feel.

I, too, suffer from the same problem.

Do you think it could be caused by a lack of breast milk in early childhood?

I don't know, I was bottle-fed.

So was I.

It causes gas in here and starts to choke you up around the throat.

Oh, Rabbi.

(BURPING)

Thank you.

(SNORING)

(WHISPERING) Here goes nothing.

Fifty bucks! That's right.

You take the low road, I'll take the high road.

Thank you very much. I'll meet you in the middle.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

(BOYS SHUSHING) Huh? Who's...

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Bergman! Grab her! I'm coming!

(BIG BERTHA SNARLING)

Get her over.

(BIG BERTHA MOANS)

(LAUGHING)

Hold the job. Hold the job right here.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hook her! Come on, pick her up.

In the loin. Come on!

BERGMAN: I think I'm getting sick!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Yeah.

Oh, shit. All right.

Don't let her get on top!

(GROANING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Get her! We got her!

Hold still.

Drive... Drive her home! Come on!

(MUFFLED)

Can't breathe like that.

Come on, squeeze! Squeeze!

(BIG BERTHA SHRIEKING)

Holy shit!

BOY: You wanna pass that over here?

GIRL: Take it yourself. Leave me alone.

BOY: Come on.

Hey, look.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

GROSSMAN: Come on, you gotta give me some...

BERGMAN: I don't have to give you anything.

Come on.

Take a seat.

Slow. Slow. No. No. Close.

Come on. That's it. That's it. Uh-huh.

That's it. Oh!

Grossman, what the hell are you building?

Nothing! Just an atomic bomb.

An atomic bomb? This guy is nuts. He's demented.

He's totally out of his mind. I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna hang him from the rafters before he destroys us all.

Ooh, here is nut number two, Mr. Rosen.

What are you doing, irrigating a farm?

A head of hair is not a cabbage patch!

Oh, my God. Oil. I struck oil!

We're rich! We're rich!

Look at this stuff!

Alberto VO5, Vaseline Hair Tonic,

Groom & Clean, Wildroot Cream Oil,

Charlie, Barbasol. You're nuts!

Do you understand me? You are totally nuts. Off the deep end.

This is a looney bin. This is a fucking nuthouse.

The whole place ought to be fumigated.

Grossman, the mad bomber. Caparello, masturbating. Duffo Weiss, eating.

Kesselman, sucking blood!

Wouldn't you know it, nut number three, Mr. Shit!

King of diarrhea. Steinberg, what is the matter with you?

Did you lose your intestines someplace?

We've been here, what, four weeks? I've seen this schmuck twice.

He lives in the toilet. You wanna live in the toilet, Steinberg?

You wanna live in the fucking toilet? Then stay in the toilet!

That's right, stay right here. Stay.

Very good, keep the candy in your mouth. Stay!

I've had it!

When he's not taking a shit, he's farting.

He's disgusting.

Steinberg! You're disgusting!

Disgusting!

Here are your clothes! Here's a shirt.

Here's a nice blue shirt. Here's some nice pants.

And here's your fucking blanket.

Now, crap and shit and fart to your heart's content,

but stay out of my fucking room!

You understand, Steinberg?

Steinberg? Say something.

(WATER SPLASHING)

I must be dead. I gotta be in hell.

Easy, easy, it's been a tough day. That boy,

Lobster Newburg, he's mad. I understand. I know, just hold on.

Everything... Listen! We got important things to think about.

What? Things like Vicki Henderson.

Yeah. Huh?

Listen, we're gonna raid the CITs again tonight.

That's right, except this time, no Solowitz, no Newburg,

No Newburg. No Grossman. and no Grossman!

I heard that! Nobody's going anyplace without me.

You see, Grossman, we told the CITs

we were gonna bring you and Jack the Ripper.

They said, "Grossman? No way!" So you're not going.

(SCRATCHING AT DOOR)

(SCRATCHING)

(SCRATCHING)

(ROARING)

(SCREAMING)

GIRL: Get out!

(ROARING)

(SCREAMING)

Leave him alone!

That's mine! That's mine. Leave that alone!

Asshole!

(HOWLING)

Grow up!

All right, Moe, give me some more eggs. Hurry up.

All you son of a bitches get that food out.

Shit! God damn it.

All right, move it, you little son of a bitches. Move fast! Hurry up!

(MUFFLED MOANING)

I'm trying to help. Stay there.

(YELPS IN PAIN)

(YELPING)

Ow, my hand! You're hurting me!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on! Come on! Come on!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey, hey, hey!

That was Walrus? I've never seen him look so good.

Now, wait a minute! Don't be so hard on Walrus. He's a pretty good guy.

He's just a hard-on! All right, now wait a minute,

I talked to him last night about the Athletic Camp

and I stressed the national focus and everything.

And believe it or not, he's starting to respond.

Fantastic!

All right, a toast. A toast, yes.

(WHISTLING)

Irvington, what the hell's the matter with you?

This is the way you run a camp? Don.

Don, nothing. Sit down, have a drink with us.

Waitress! Another round, please.

Oh, no, it's... Don't worry about the fighting.

Hey, fellas, fellas... Give him a shot.

Hey, come on...

All right, all right, all right. Come on... What?

Fellas, it's past curfew, huh?

So let's haul ass... No, let's haul ass... No, no, no, look...

Yes, sir! You understand?

Move it out. Just move it out.

Hut! Hut!

Pardon us for breaking the rules.

Say, God forbid we should break the rule, sir.

Let's face Sergeant Bergman.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Who the fuck do you think you are?

And who do you think you're kidding? The sun ain't even out.

Are you trying to make an ass outta me?

Yes, sir! What?

Yes, sir! No, sir! That's it. You two bastards been asking for it

and now you're gonna get it.

You knew you were breaking curfew.

God damn it, you knew it!

And you had to do it in that goddamn gang bar.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna levy the biggest fines ever.

Two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars apiece.

Two hundred dollars and a warning.

So just shape up and watch out.

Two hundred dollars apiece?

Two hundred dollars' worth of retribution.

Yeah.

Only this time, Bergman, we're gonna hit him where it hurts.

Parents Day!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CHILDREN SQUEALING HAPPILY)

This is it. Mom!

Hi, Judy!

Hi, Daddy. Hi, sweetheart.

Solowitz, Newburg, you boys paying attention?

Certainly! Yeah.

All right, tonight is your final opportunity to achieve glory, right?

Right.

We sneak into the kitchen...

Take the jar off the stove...

LOBSTER: Take out pills and put one each into the cereal bowls.

Well, what are the pills for?

A little something to make it run faster and jump higher.

Speed, boys, speed!

To be fed to the parents

ALL: To make them feel better! to make them feel better!

Behave yourselves, understand me?

Daddy, he's a great athlete. And Mom, he writes poetry.

Well, I'm sure that's true, Judy, He's great.

but he's a Puerto Rican.

Darling, he's a veritable monkey! Mom...

And he's a poor monkey, at that.

Mama! Papa! Que pasa, man? How you doing, huh?

God, you're looking really good.

How you doing, sir? Huh?

Mom, Dad, this is Tony Ramirez.

Hey, Judy, this is your old lady?

Ave Maria, Mrs. Kramer, you look really good, you know?

The way this girl's been talking about you,

I thought you were really fat, you know,

you had a boil right here on the neck, but no, look at you.

You look nice, not too fat, not too skinny.

Nice fur coat, nice bouffant hairdo. Ave Maria!

(COMPLIMENTING IN SPANISH)

RABBI BLOWITZ: * Amen!

In addition to the regular weekly services,

the children have been provided

with some excellent religious training

through which we have been able to acquaint them with their heritage.

Yes. Could we please roll the film?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

RABBI BLOWITZ: It's not the right film. It's not the right film!

(MOANING)

Oh, my God!

No! What...

Stop them. Stop them, I said!

What is going on with them? You can't do that.

No, no, people have been deliberately tormenting you,

I admit that. I absolutely admit it.

There will be no more incidents, I'm telling you!

(SCREAMING) There will be no more...

(FANFARE MUSIC BLARING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Yeah. For the parents.

Let's go.

Fred, you outdid yourself. This is delicious.

BOY 1: This is kind of good.

BOY 2: Best yet, Fred.

SWEET MOE: May I have some more sugar, please?

I like sweet things.

(ALL CHEERING)

(SCREAMING)

Hurry up!

All right, men, look alive. Look out!

(WAITERS YELPING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(CLATTERING)

You little bastards!

(ROARING)

Stop this, right this min...

FEDERMAN: Stop this!

(SNEEZING)

My job's going down...

(SINGING NONSENSE)

(SCREAMING)

In all my years

in Camp Oskemo,

I have never seen anything like it.

Hooligans, cutthroats, rapists.

Well, I have had it up to here.

Do you understand...

(STIFLING CRY)

Well, I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you all. But first, I'm gonna fine.

I'm gonna fine like crazy.

Every waiter is fined $25 on general principles.

I'm sick and tired of you two.

One more stunt and you're out.

That's understandable, sir.

You bet your ass it's understandable.

But one more, just one more...

Shit!

(ALL YELLING)

Gentlemen, that's dedication.

Now, you listen to me.

They're gonna break all the rules downstairs.

I know, because I've overheard them.

So we will, too.

We're gonna fight fire with fire.

To the death!

Now, you listen. Listen!

Do you hear them?

Moving?

Listening?

Yes, they are listening.

To the death, I'm telling you!

Now,

you assholes,

the weapons.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Jesus.

Look at that. Wow!

It's time. I'm so nervous. It's time.

KAVELL: Lord, forgive us, for we know not what we do.

BERGMAN: Yeah. Are you sure you know the rules?

LOBSTER: Sure. What do you think I am, dumb?

(ALL CHATTERING)

The only way you're gonna get it is steal it.

Oh, you... Stupid thing.

Flush!

BERGMAN: What flush? They're all red.

You got two hearts and three diamonds, that's not a flush.

FATS: Newburg, you're an idiot!

That wasn't necessary.

All right. I call.

All right, I'm outta this thing. I'm not... Who got what?

What have you got? Three pair.

FRED: Three pair? You...

LOBSTER: Solowitz, you're an idiot!

FRED: What are you doing here?

Don't even think it!

Come on! Get off... Will you...

Oh, crap!

(LAUGHING)

Three-card tit sucker.

And a toilet flush with a floating dingleberry.

Three pounds of phlegm and a vulture turd.

(CACKLING)

Cut.

(SNORING)

(RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING)

(SHATTERING)

Screw that!

Bye, Don.

Batshit! Just the guy we wanna see.

What'd I do? Listen, you're pretty tight with the CITs, right?

Yeah. Yeah, they like you, they trust you, huh?

Yeah.

We want you to be alone with Vicki Henderson for a while

and tell her what really great guys we are.

Yeah, she's ignoring us because she's got the hots for one of us

and she's afraid she'll hurt the other's feelings.

Right, find out which one of us she prefers.

Okay, guys, you got it.

That's terrific, Batshit. You're a hell of a guy.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

How the hell did you get stuck in this damn thing anyway?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Batshit, Batshit, did you talk to her? (SHUSHING) Yeah.

Yeah? So what'd she say?

Well, she said she valued sensitivity,

openness, kindness, modesty, gentleness.

Yeah? That's terrific, Batshit. Thanks a lot.

Yeah. Hey, it was my pleasure. Modesty,

gentleness, openness, sensitivity, kindness.

Well, Bergman, I guess that leaves you out.

Why don't you take a walk and find yourself another girl?

Hey, listen, dorkhead, if she happen to value those things

you're the last jerk that she'd want.

You're about as modest and sensitive as a moose in heat!

Hey, blow it out your ass, okay?

Hey, you blow it out your ass, okay, dorkhead?

You see? You're still an asshole. That's the problem here.

I can't sleep.

(SHUSHING)

(WHISPERING) Very quiet.

(RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

There was a time when I was committed to the Book, you know?

I thought I was gonna reach out for the pulpit.

No shit!

(GIGGLES)

Then disaster hit.

I got the whiff of pussy and I loved it,

and I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to it.

And you? College next year.

And pussy, maybe, you know...

(CLAMORING)

Aha!

All right, here's the situation.

We've gotten absolutely nowhere with this girl.

I'm totally exhausted.

(SCOFFS) I know what you mean.

I've had it. I'm fed up, up to here. You can have her.

Yeah, to tell you the truth, I'm not even interested.

I know the feeling.

Lunatic, what are you doing?

Holy shit, Grossman. God.

Roman candles, cherry bombs, napalm, ash cans,

radioactive isotopes. Hey!

The atomic bomb, which I got stashed behind the toilet.

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

I'm telling you, boys, this is gonna be a very memorable war.

There's gonna be blood on the buildings.

Death! Destruction.

Radiation.

Things we're all gonna be very proud of.

Memories.

Grossman, you're a mutant.

You're totally crazed.

Oh, yeah?

Well, they called Hannibal crazy.

Alexander, Patton, Custer,

and now me!

Are you with me?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah, sure.

Well, that is a lot better than being against me,

boys.

(CHEERING)

Walrus the fat bastard agreed!

To what?

The Athletic Camp is on for next year!

(WHOOPING)

I can't believe it.

All the tricky stuff paid off. Everything!

What? What stuff, man?

Wait, look here, take this. It's a gift.

Shit! It's yours anyway.

God. What do you mean, it's ours?

Your fine.

Our fine? That's your fine.

Walrus gave me a 10 percent cut

for reporting waiter violations.

I reported, he paid.

You did what? I did what I had to do.

What are you talking about?

You putting us on? Wait a minute.

I thought you were our friend! We hung out with you!

You mean you've been jerking us off all summer?

We trusted you.

It was you that reported us and not Sharpe?

Wait a minute, will you? Wait a minute.

Look, I can explain.

Now, Walrus is a prick, right?

And he wanted to know everything, particularly the dirty stuff, okay?

So, I kept him informed.

And in return, he considered my proposals in a favorable light.

(SIGHS)

You guys, you gotta learn.

Business is business. And business comes first.

Business comes before friendship,

business comes before anything.

That's the law of the jungle.

You two, you're coming with me.

You're included! Okay?

Sure! Of course! I think we can work something out, right?

Oh, yeah. Business is business.

Yeah.

See you around, huh?

Hey! Hey!

(SINGING IN HEBREW)

* Amen

KAVELL: Hey, Vicki, how's business? Bless the drink!

Eat hearty. Okay, thank you.

Now the attitude is really what makes a championship team.

You see, you all fight together,

and it doesn't matter whether you win or lose,

but you're out there together.

You got the camaraderie of being together.

You got a wonderful feeling of being one.

It's like when the team is really going.

It's like... It's like a car. All the parts are...

You see, it's like you're a member of the team.

By being a member of the team, each individual...

Being a member of the team, you win.

(ELECTRIC MOTOR WHIRRING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)

God bless America!

That's good business there, right, Dickie?

BOY 1: What about GI Joe?

BOY 2: Don't worry about him, he knows the rules.

DE NOEKIO: Fuck the rules! When're we gonna see some action?

First of all, don't get your balls in an uproar.

Second of all, when I want any more shit outta you, I'll squeeze your head.

Come on, wise guy, make my chest your playground. Come on.

De Noekio, you getting froggy?

Jump.

Let me at him! Hey...

Big mouth. All right, wise guy, how does this start?

It starts with a signal. And this year, just like every other year,

the second floor will take the initiative.

When the weights drop, the war begins.

Okay, okay, okay?

ALL: Okay.

Come on. Hey, De Noekio.

What? Your mother called last night.

She wants to do it with me again.

Hey!

All right, all right. All right, let go!

I'll see you.

(TOILET FLUSHING) Yeah, Kavell, blew it.

And what's more, Bergman didn't do any better, either.

You know, Solowitz, if they can't get Vicki,

why don't we go into town and find them a hooker.

It's a good idea, Newburg.

Oh, look at the size of that.

I was reading this book and I keep wondering...

(GROANING IN RISING PANIC)

You know it's always been very, very embarrassing to me, you know?

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(WHISPERING) Kavell? What the fuck are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Yeah, what are you doing here?

I think the question is, what are you doing here?

Why don't you ever leave us alone?

I happen to have a private appointment with this girl.

Is that all right? Oh, really?

Yeah, really. Yeah. An appointment?

Don't you understand that she hates you and happens to find me enchanting?

Enchanting? Yes.

She happens to find you obnoxious.

Obnox...

What do you think you're doing with that sweatshirt?

I'm gonna show her something she's wanted to see for a long time.

Oh, really? Yeah.

What, she got a magnifying glass under there?

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna show her something for real.

Oh, yeah? She'd need an electron microscope and a pair of tweezers...

Let's see what you got. What are you guys doing here?

You stay outta this. Just keep quiet. Okay?

This is my night! It's not your night.

Oh, please.

What the hell are you doing in here?

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

GIRL 1: Hey, what are you doing here? GIRL 2: Jesus! Asshole!

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. No thanks, really. I'm fine, really.

Thank you, sir. I'm fine. I'm fine, really.

Very fine. Can't believe how fine I am.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Are you a hooker?

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

(GASPING)

(BURPS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

(SHOUTING DRUNKENLY) Where are the hookers?

I've gotta go potty.

If they are not gonna grow up

we're gonna have to go and teach them a lesson.

That's right.

(ALL CLAMORING)

We're just gonna have to give them a dose of their own medicine, right?

(ALL SHOUTING AGREEMENT)

ALL: Yeah!

You know, Bergman, we really screwed up this time.

Yeah, but you know what? What?

I don't give a shit. (CHUCKLES) Neither do I.

Hey, you know if she choose Batshit,

it's obvious that she does not recognize

true greatness, and sexuality, and beauty.

You know, for once you're right. Thank you.

We're too good for her. Thank you.

(SCREAMING)

Fuck her!

Ninety-nine. Fourteen once.

Hey, what are you guys doing up so early or so late?

Hey. We're celebrating.

Celebrating what?

Uh... Uh...

I don't know.

Independence.

Wait.

Are you all right? Are you a hooker?

(SIGHS)

(BOYS YELLING DRUNKENLY)

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

(HOOKER SCREAMING)

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

To war!

Come on, you guys, get outta bed. Come on, move it!

Come on, we gotta get started!

(GRUNTING)

(HUMMING PATRIOTIC MUSIC)

Zero-hour is approaching. The enemy will not survive. What's the matter with you?

Let's get cracking! Are you a man or a pussy?

No guts, no glory.

STEINBERG: ...or it's back to Bataan!

Get those dildos for me.

Bergman!

(GASPS) Shit!

Get them in the balls! Grab them!

(GIRLS YELLING)

You over there, get up and dance!

There seems to be some kind of party going on here.

What? What now, baby? You going on a short?

Oh, you traitorous bitch!

(EXCLAIMING)

Armageddon!

Well, it's a conventional war they want?

It's a conventional war they get!

(BELLOWING FIERCELY)

I shall return!

Oh!

Mama, Mama, Mama! Oh, fuck!

Back! Back! Back!

That's it, yeah. Boom!

Come here! Where are you, you rat bastard?

Come here, you hit me, now, come here. I'll show you.

(CHOKING)

Huh? What are you gonna do now?

All right? All right? Come here!

I got you. I got you. I...

(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)

Geronimo!

(SCREAMING)

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Ay, ay, ay. You okay? I'm sorry.

What's the matter with you? You crazy or something?

I said I was sorry! You big ass!

You know I could get killed like that!

I'm sorry! I said I'm sorry!

You know how much my father paid for this?

What are you doing? I gotta... Let me down!

(SHRIEKING) What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're mother's a pixie!

You don't know how to play nice.

You gotta play rough. You gotta be an animal.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! I'm getting my period!

Blast the thing!

(HUMMING PATRIOTIC MUSIC)

Ooh!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Rope? Rope? Rope?

Bondage! Yes!

I noticed you from across the room back there.

I was just wondering, you're not from this neighborhood, are you?

I was wondering, maybe sometime we could have dinner.

Yeah. You know, I'm a nice guy,

and I'm very sensitive.

Yeah! Yeah! Remember the Alamo!

Oh, yes.

(MOANING)

Oh, God.

I'm gonna miss you, man. I'm gonna miss you, I'm telling you.

My child.

Take care of yourself.

What about the next two weeks?

That's Walrus' problem.

(LAUGHING)

Walrus!

Mr. Wallman, I've been selected as a spokesman for the waiters.

And we hereby wish you to know

that we think that you're fat and ugly.

And we think your wife is fat and ugly.

And we think this camp sucks,

and we quit!

And we hereby voluntarily give up our wages in fines.

So take a fucking hike!

(ALL YELLING)

Bye!

What the hell is it, Federman?

For Christ's sake. I can't describe it.

What do you mean you can't describe it?

For Christ's sake, give me a hint or something!

You'll have to see it for yourself.

Well, God damn it, it better be good.

(SCREAM BUILDING)

(SCREAMING)

* Somebody's getting you down

* Well, you know it's just a phase, girl

* Get up your Saturday night

* Well, you know you'll be all right, girl

* Well, you don't know what you're doing without

* Let me show you what I'm talking about

* I see the boys on the block

* And they ask me where you're at, girl

* I say you're wasting your time

* Better get on up to bat, girl

* Well, you don't know what you're talking about

* And I don't know but we'll figure it out

* I keep on saying Hello, hello, hello

* Come on and step in my ride

* We'll go downtown and get away

* Hello, hello, hello we're gonna make it all right

* Hey, girl You've got to, anyway

* He gives you all of his lines

* Makes you think he's some big actor

* Meanwhile he's running around

* And you know just what he's after

* Well, he don't know what you're really about

* Let him go And let him figure it out

* Don't waste your time by the phone

* Come on, grab your shoes and hat, girl

* Go show the boys on the block

* Just exactly where you're at, girl

* Well, you don't show what you're thinking about

* Well, girl, you know that it's gonna work out

* And I keep saying Hello, hello, hello

* Come on and step in my ride

* We'll go downtown and get away

* Hello, hello, hello we're gonna make it all right

* Hey, girl we've got to, anyway

* Hello, hello, hello

* Come on and step in my ride

* We'll go downtown and get away *