Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hard, Crash and Bern ♪

-Hi, mom. -Hey.

Hey, be a good kid and take this down to the trash for me.

Sure. Be a good mom, and give me 200 dollars.

Nice try. Let me know if that ever works for you.

Me and Crash want to get tickets for next Saturday's big wrestling match.

It's the once-in-a-lifetime showdown between evil Bob Johnson

and the other Bob Johnson.

I thought last month was the once-in-a-lifetime showdown.

[sighs] No, mom. That was the showdown to end all showdowns.

You really need to learn about sports.

Bernstein, Bernstein, I figured out a way to earn money.

We simply use our brains and quick wits to get stinking rich.

I don't know if brains and wits are your strong points,

but you're really good at stinking.

Mrs. B., I got it all worked out. It's foolproof.

All we need is a time machine.

What a coincidence. We just got a time machine.

[gasps] Me first! I'm gonna go back in time!

[Crash grunts]

[gasps]

Who are you?

Hello, I am the prophet Nostradamus.

I predict in the future a kid named Wyatt will have a time machine

and a very gullible friend.

[gasps] I know Wyatt!

[Crash grunts]

Aah, Bernstein, Bernstein, it worked! I met a guy named Nostril Thomas.

And now I'm going to the future.

-[Crash grunts] -I got this one.

Aah!

-Are you the one they call Crash? -[gasps] Yes!

-Planet Earth is going to explode. -Mm-hmm.

-And you're the only one who can save it. -Mm-hmm.

You must return to your own time and obey the one they call Mrs. B.

Got it.

[Crash grunts]

[groaning]

-How was the future? -[groans] Not good.

The Earth's gonna explode

and there's absolutely nothing I can do to save it.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Watch the place while I go to lunch, and you can keep the tips.

I'm just gonna grab a salad.

Oh, who am I kidding? A mac and cheese hoagie is not a salad.

All right, remember we're working for tips.

Be sure to get the customers what they want.

Got it.

What do you want?

Cheapskate didn't even tip.

Can I go first? I'm a mother.

Decaf green tea with soy milk.

Eww! Gross!

[groans and gargles in disgust]

[mimics vomiting]

Oh, green--ugh! Soy--blah!

Coming right up.

Decaf green tea with soy milk, excellent choice.

Thank you.

Oh, you're a nice lady. I wonder why people don't like you.

People like me.

Maybe it's your hair.

Have you ever thought about something stylish?

-What's up with her? Am I right? -Yeah.

-Hey, Andy. -Hey.

Oh, Crash, this is Andy. He's my mom's boss.

Oh, thank you so much

for all the lovely office supplies she brings home.

Crash!

And by the way, you got to get better toilet paper.

We had to start buying our own.

Uh, I'll get on it.

You're wearing a suit. You must be smart.

-Want some investment advice? -No.

Always invest in hard workers.

Actually that's not bad.

Like ants. They're the hardest workers of all.

-Your friend's kind of a dope, isn't he? -Well, once you get to know him...

[muffled] Look at me! I'm a tip!

Yeah, kind of.

Tip. Tip. Tip, tip, tip. Tip, tip, tip-- Whoop.

Your assignment last week

was to find an a-list celebrity spokesperson for...

[whispers] ...Cleo. Shelby?

Claire?

You all disappoint me.

You told us this was a sleepover.

Why are we wearing name tags?

It is exactly that attitude why this company isn't called...

[whispers] ...Shelby.

I'm calling my mom to pick me up.

More girls? Where are they getting in?

What is that?

That's Crash. Never mind him. He's ignorant.

I am not! I don't even know what that means!

Whoo. Time machine.

Year 3000, here I come.

[Crash grunts]

Ah, ha ha!

Whoa. How long is this meeting gonna last?

[whispers] Forever.

You're on thin ice, Shelby.

I like you, Shelby.

Newspaper! Newspaper! Newspaper! Get your newspaper!

It's just like the Internet

except no videos, music, or any other fun stuff!

Crash, I have to thank you.

I got a new hairstyle and my whole life changed.

My boss made eye contact with me in the break room,

and our cat finally passed the extra house key.

I told you.

Now all you have to do is lose that ugly sweater.

My mother gave me this sweater.

Does she like you?

No.

You are brilliant.

-Hey, did you hear that? I'm brilliant. -You don't have to tell me.

Had I listened to you about ants, I'd be rich.

[gasps] The rug store is going out of business?

No, you're gasping about the wrong thing.

It's a story about how ants cure gum disease.

-You obviously know things, my friend. -I do?

We're friends?

That kind of original thinking deserves a nice fat tip.

Whoo.

You really do give good advice. Do you have any more?

Donuts.

Excuse me?

Put your money in donuts.

That's where I have all mine.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

They really make excellent money clips. And I keep my change here.

Thank you very much.

Are all these people here to talk to Crash?

Yeah. For some reason, they think he gives good advice.

Our Crash? Purple?

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yay, tall?

Keeps asking the fire hydrant to go to the movies with him?

You'll see. He's a genius.

His simplicity cuts through all that mumbo jumbo and gobbledygook.

And you know how much I despise gobbledy... and gook.

As I was saying, the best babysitter is an actual baby,

because only they can speak baby.

And quit babying your baby. Buy your baby a motorcycle.

Okay, that is horrible advice.

No, he makes perfect sense.

We are all children and the world is our motorcycle.

We have to ride.

Are you serious?

Is there any way I can get up to the front near Crash?

I think I can make that happen.

I'm sorry, did you say front or middle?

Step aside, folks. Paying customer.

So I did a really nice thing

and appointed my friends to my board of directors.

Now they say I'm too bossy and refuse to listen to anyone else.

-Well, sweetie-- -Shh! Mom, I'm talking.

Cleo, that's not the way to run an organization.

I mean, Andy is my boss,

and he consults me on every financial decision.

Wait, what? He invested 100,000 dollars in donuts?

[sighs]

[laughs] Yeah.

Another day like today, and we can afford front row seats for wrestling.

You know, if you catch a tooth, you get to keep it.

Wait. How'd you guys make all that working at Roland's newsstand?

-People give us money because I'm smart. -Right.

-It's true. -Will you cut me in on the action?

Let me say this in a way you'll understand.

[whispers] No.

Hey, Bernstein, now that I'm smart, I should have a smarter-sounding name.

Sorry, Wyatt Bernstein's already taken. [laughs]

-[laughing] -I don't get it.

No, no, no, no, no. I was thinking something really smart like...

...Crashy McSmartypants. It's got "smart" right in it.

-And "pants." -Aww, yeah!

I didn't even realize that. Bonus!

-Andy's not answering his phone. -Yeah, I told him to throw it away.

-Why on Earth would he listen to you? -Lots of people are.

Crash just says his Crash stuff and people hear what they want to hear.

Sometimes I hear music in my eyes.

Seriously? My boss is getting advice from this joker?

Today I told him to wear orange and deodorant.

Maybe someone should start listening to their own advice.

[sniffs, coughs and shudders]

[people clamoring]

Minions, minions, minions,

if at first you don't succeed, you are a loser.

-[laughs] -[Andy] Mel, over here.

What do you think of my new coat?

-Very few people can pull off orange. -Thank you.

You're not one of them.

Look, that's not what I came here to say.

You see, Crash is--

He's a--

He's a dum-dum.

So I guess that makes me a dum-dum for listening to him?

Is that what you're saying, Mel?

-Go ahead. Say it. Say it! -Aah!

"Andy's a dum-dum!"

I'll have you know, my donut king stock has doubled.

So has my cholesterol, but that's a small price to pay.

Never underestimate the power of fried dough.

Winston Churchill said that.

-No, he didn't. -Maybe it was Crash.

Someone great said it.

-[cheering] -Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[whispers] Wyatt.

You need to put a stop to this.

Andy's investing the company's money based on Crash's stupid advice.

And that's the company that pays my salary.

Mom, you're overreacting.

These are grown-ups. No one is taking it too seriously.

Is he here today? Is he here today?

He's here today! Wow!

All right, everyone. Grab some scissors. We're going for a run.

-[cheering] -Yeah!

-Do you have any scissors? -Come on, Gretchen, that's really dumb.

-Crash is a genius. He really is. -He really isn't.

Do you remember that story of the emperor who had no clothes,

and how nobody noticed except the little boy? Well, I'm the little boy.

Maybe Crash can help you with that.

I am the emperor! I am the emperor! Whoo!

Yes, you are!

Whoo!

-So, this is where it all started? -Sure is, Gloria.

It doesn't look like much, but that's because it isn't.

This is where the great Crashy McSmartypants

learned to read and write and count.

Those four things are the basis for my genius.

-Crash, what's going on? -We're on the news.

You must be Mrs. McSmartypants.

No. No.

Um, she gets emotional when she talks about me.

I'm her favorite.

Well, I can understand why.

Portland hasn't been this excited about a story

since that dog raised a baby tiger.

Hopefully this will have a better ending.

I don't know. That was one happy tiger.

So what do you think is the secret to your success?

Oh, I don't think. Never have. Don't touch the stuff.

You can read all about it in my new book.

Ah, there you go.

Ah...

"To Gretchen, keep not thinking.

Crashy McSmartypants."

Thank you.

[sighs]

Wait, there's nothing in here. The pages are completely blank.

Genius, right?

I guess.

Oh, you know, it really is. So simple.

-So basic. So profound. -So Crash.

So... Next!

I got to hand it to you.

Not everyone could sell a book with no words in it.

It's fun being a genius. You should try it sometime.

All right, we got enough for wrestling tickets.

Let's quit now before your adoring fans turn into an angry mob.

Why would they do that?

Well, when they find out you're not really a genius.

Of course I'm a genius.

If I wasn't a genius,

would dozens of people quit their jobs just because I told them to?

You told the people to quit their jobs? That is really bad advice.

It's all part of the plan. I explain everything in my book.

You explain nothing in your book.

-How are these people gonna make a living? -I don't know.

But if they write a book with no words in it, I'll sue 'em.

♪ Let me hear you say Crash ♪

Forgive my circumlocution,

but it is idiosyncratic for a genius such as myself

to gasconade his excogitation.

What does that mean?

[scoffs] Indubitably us perspicacious sesquipedalians

lose simpletons like you.

Where did you learn all those big words?

I bought a really big word of the day calendar...

...and I ate it.

Crash, buddy, I saw you on the news.

How would you like to be the new face of...

[whispers] ...Cleo?

-Awesome! What's in it for me? -What do you want?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll do the negotiating.

-I'll give you a pickle. -Deal.

-No-- Wait. -A pickle.

[chanting] Crashy! Crashy! Crashy!

Would it kill you people to buy a magazine?

Or a scone? Just a scone.

This is my business.

-Aha! -[cheering]

[whooping]

-When do we think? -[all] Never!

When do we do it?

[all] Huh?

Wow.

He really makes you think. Oh! I've got to stop doing that.

I like your skin.

You should use a new moisturizer from...

[whispers] ...Cleo.

I've never heard of it.

[whistles]

Oh, hold on, everyone. I got to earn my pickle.

[clears throat]

"Confidence, Lackadaisicalness, Energy...

[whispers] ...Cleo."

-He forgot the "o." -I'll take a case!

Who needs an "o"?

Best pickle I ever spent.

Watch the genius. Whoo!

Whoa. Cold hands. Watch the hair. Watch the hair.

Whoa!

You guys are good at this. Do you guys practice? Whoa-ho-ho.

Looks like Crash is having fun.

[snickering]

Yeah, I just hope he can handle it when this all goes away.

Whoo! Hello. Hey, that's my wallet. Thank you. Hey. Ha ha!

Really like to have my newsstand back.

Any idea when this will all be over?

It's hard to say.

Who wants to go in the time machine?

I take it back. I give it five minutes.

Come with me to the future!

-Is it just a box? -It can't be, right?

The technology must be inside.

Who wants to go first?

Ah, excellent.

Now, if you see me in the future, pretend you don't know me.

A lot of heavy stuff has gone down since today.

Heavy stuff. Can't explain.

[crowd oohs]

Do you think something is gonna happen?

Do you think you could buy yourself a scone?

It's just a box.

-[crowd murmurs] -Now, wait, hold on.

You're doing it wrong. Here, let me show you.

Future, here I come! [grunts]

[makes futuristic whirling sounds]

Ta-da!

Oh, no. He really is a dum-dum.

I don't like saying "I told you so," but I told you so.

Actually, I liked saying that more than I thought I would.

I have to make a call.

I need to stop a big investment in bubble wrap underwear.

It made so much sense at the time.

[bubble wrap pops]

[popping slows]

[rapid popping]

-You're a fraud! -[all] Yeah!

I quit my job because of you!

Thank you. Someone read my book.

Not now, Crash.

Leave him alone. This isn't Crash's fault. He never asked you to follow him.

He was just being himself and you believed what you wanted to believe.

Yeah!

Hey, thanks for sticking up for me.

I should have listened to you and quit while we were ahead.

-That's cool. I'm there for you, buddy. -And I'll always be there for you.

-You took our money! -Yeah, you took our money!

-Crash. -Hey, let's get him.

Oh, no.

-Yeah! -[angry murmuring]

Ha ha.

I've got to say, Crash, I doubted you,

-but you've got some smarts. -[muffled] Yeah, it's all up here.

[solemnly] Hey, Mrs. B.

Hi, Crash. What's the matter?

I wish I was smart.

I can't believe I really thought that box was a time machine.

[sighs] But lesson learned.

From this day forward, I am not gonna be gullible anymore.

Well, don't feel bad. Look, you see this?

Wyatt used to think that his baby blanket was an invisibility cloak.

[gasps] A real one?

I'm invisible!

Whoo! Where am I, Mrs. B.?

Am I here? Or am I here?

Ha-ha! You can't see me!

[grunts] Uh, Mrs. B.

-Who's that? -It's me. Crash.

-Crash? -Yeah, hi.

Huh, I can-- I can hear you, but I can't see you.

I'm right here, Mrs. B.

Oh, well, I guess I must be hearing things.

-No, you're hearing me. -That's too bad.

-Come on. -I need a nap.

No-- [stammering]

Could really use that time machine right about now.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪