Original subtitles

♪ Let me hear you say Crash! ♪

Whatcha doin'?

I'm drawing a comic book.

I didn't know you drew comics.

What else are you keeping from me?

[shouting] Who do you work for?

Right now I wish I worked for a mouthwash company.

[exhales]

Oh. Who's that muscular guy?

That's me.

No. The muscular guy.

He's called The Shredder.

It's the closest I'll get to being a superhero.

He saves Portland from the evil sisters known as...

The League of Annoyance.

[Crash] Wow.

They look just like Amanda and Cleo.

If I erase them, will they disappear in real life?

Maybe!

[shouts] Cleo!

-[Cleo shouting] What? -[Crash] Darn it.

Pesto's a character too.

He was bitten by a radioactive possum.

Now, whenever he senses danger,

he curls up and plays dead.

So... you got characters based on your sisters and Pesto?

Ah... It... seems like you're forgetting someone.

Someone very important.

Came into your life and changed it forever.

Oh!

I know who you're talking about.

My dentist, Dr. Feinblum.

[shouting] Me! I'm talking about me! I'd make a great superhero.

I'm tall, graceful, and I'm not afraid of anything!

[screams loudly] Get that werewolf away from me!

Crash, it's just Ms. Lopez's dog.

His name's Jumper. He won't hurt you.

Unless I tell him to.

You can't take any chances when you look like a chew toy.

Trust me. I've got the scars to prove it.

Hey, it was your fault for getting that squeaker implant.

-[squeaks] -[laughs]

One more.

[squeaks, laughs]

[both laugh]

Uh-oh. Jumper's getting worked up.

What do you say? Can I be in your comic book?

Sure. So, what's your superhero name gonna be?

Ha... I don't know. I've never really thought about it before.

How about...

Purple Light, Purple Shadow... [continues listing frenetically]

[inhales deeply]

How about Mr. Purple?

Why? Because I'm purple?

Kind of obvious. But, yes, pretty good.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, Ima let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said? ♪

[chuckles]

Step right up.

Get the very first issue of The Shredder and Mr. Purple.

Created, written, and illustrated by Wyatt Bernstein.

Photocopied by me.

So, I did most of the work.

Crash, what are you doing? I didn't want anyone to see this.

Oh, please, Bernstein.

You want no one to see it, you would kept it in your closet in a trunk with a lock.

I did.

Yeah, but that lock was so easy to pick.

I only had to use two sticks of dynamite.

Your comic book made it over to the high school and I'm not happy.

The textress character is clearly me.

Any similarity between the sisters and the League is merely a coincidence.

Any claims to the contrary will be perfunctorily disregarded.

He means it's not really you.

You mean the evil blond sister whose alias is Amanda Bernstein?

You're not the only Amanda Bernstein in the world.

The only one who knows where you sleep.

Hey, Amanda. I see you've been doing some reading.

What did you think of The Possum?

You mean the character that rolls into a ball at the first sign of danger?

Was that what I was doing?

Thought I was throwing myself on a grenade.

Any similarity between your dopey looks in this book

and your dopey face in real life are coincidence and on purpose.

Have a nice day.

Yo, Crash, The Shredder and Mr. Purple is a big hit.

I'd love to interview you and Wyatt in my show.

Good morning Linus Pauling?

The show that gets forced airtime in homeroom?

We've just got a great new time slot.

Fridays right after The Pledge of Allegiance.

The piece you did on scented urinal cakes was an eye-opener.

Now that I know they're not made of cake

I can eat as many as I want. I feel so good about myself.

Where's Wyatt? He has got to change my character.

It's embarrassing having people think I'm The Possum.

Not now. Scottie wants to interview me about the comic book on his show.

Scottie, baby!

When I came up with the idea for The Possum

I asked, how could I create a role model for today's easily frightened youth?

Hey, Crash.

Thanks a lot for making me villain in you and Wyatt's stupid comic book.

Oh, is baby sad?

No, I'm not sad. I said: "Thanks a lot."

Why does everyone always assume sarcasm with me?

Well, you are the sarcastinator.

Oh, yeah, and thanks for that great name.

Oh, you're welcome.

That time was sarcastic!

There goes one more piece of our liberty.

Get over yourself, Roland.

There's been some crime here lately.

You don't have to tell me.

Every morning some fool swipes a newspaper.

I always put it back.

After messing up the crossword.

There's a guy going around here stealing dogs.

Talk about your despicable human beings.

It's not you, is it?

I'm a cat person, Poulos. I thought you knew me.

So, are these cameras on 24 hours a day?

Yup.

Then the neighborhood watch just got itself a reality show.

It's about a guy who talks to cats.

I already got the theme song.

♪ Roland and his pussycats ♪

♪ Talking politics And occasionally sports ♪

I play Roland.

Hey, Wyatt, nice comic book.

Great bathroom read. I read it four times last night.

You should make that into a movie.

Enter it into my Underground Film Festival.

No one wanna see Mr. Poulos go to the bathroom so often.

I meant the comic book.

Wait, you have a newsstand and a film festival?

I'm a complicated man.

I've always wanted to make a movie. And go underground.

I want it all really.

It would be pretty awesome to turn my comic book into a movie.

But movies cost a lot of money.

I support local artists.

Here's 80 bucks to get started.

I know exactly what to do with this.

[humming]

Well, I got the giant sandwich. All we need is a director.

-I'll do it. -No, I'll do it.

Are either of you qualified?

Extremely.

I was in A.V. Club in plumber's college.

Oh, I can't beat that.

Feeling very good about this project.

[Poulos] Action.

We have ways of making you talk, Possum.

Never!

Lower the dome of doom.

No, not the hair!

-[Heroic music plays] -[Female singers] ♪ The shredder... ♪

It's shredder time.

♪ ...And mr. Purple ♪

With side of purple.

[girls laugh]

Why are you guys laughing? It's not in the script.

Sorry, this is the first time we've seen you in those costumes.

Are those Mom's clothes?

-No. -Yes.

[Poulos shouts] Cut, cut, cut!

What's the problem?

I'm only doing this cause you said I'd meet famous people at the festival.

I don't need to see some doofus running around in women's clothes.

Welcome to showbiz, baby.

I think my character would spray Pesto with my signature scent from...

[breathily] Cleo.

[coughs and sneezes]

For the last time, we're not doing product placement.

This is my art.

If this is art, then it's spelled with a silent "f."

Ha! I got that.

Quiet! All right. Let's finish the scene.

The hero sneaks into the lair. He climbs up the wall

and then shimmies across the beam.

And then blam-o! Rescues The Possum.

Great. And what does The Shredder do while I'm being so heroic?

The shredder is the hero.

You are the sidekick!

You get beat up by the girls and stuffed in that barrel.

[scoffs] I'm not getting stuck in a barrel.

How would that even happen?

[exclaims]

Welcome to showbiz, baby.

That's lunch!

Poulos needs his cold cuts.

Welcome to Good morning Linus Pauling. I'm here with Wyatt and Crash

whose comic book is sweeping the school faster than pink eye.

Now what inspired you to write this comic?

Well, I had pink eye.

So... I was sitting at home drawing.

I never thought anyone else would see it, so...

Scottie, I know raw talent when I see it.

Sadly, I don't know raw chicken when I see it.

Have you ever had your stomach pumped? It's not as much fun as it sounds.

Okay... [clears throat] Back to the comic book.

Are you working on the next issue?

Actually, we're making a movie. We already have a scene in the can

and some others that aren't in the bathroom.

What makes this so cool

is that crash is your sidekick in this story and in real life.

Yeah, kind of.

I'm not really a sidekick.

I'm more like the jelly.

And Wyatt's the peanut butter. They're only good together.

I think jelly's overrated.

I like peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

I also like peanut butter on celery.

[groaning]

Yeah? Well, Jelly doesn't need peanut butter either!

It can go on biscuits! This interview is over!

Over!

Oh, you know what's good on biscuits?

Peanut butter.

Over!

We're losing patience.

Give up the codes or get sprayed with the truth serum.

By Cleo.

I'll never talk.

[Russian accent] Oh, you'll talk, all right.

[Poulos] Cut!

Amanda, what's with the accent?

[normal voice] It's called acting.

Step aside, people, step aside. I am a very important person

who is talking loudly on his cell phone right now.

Hello, Hollywood. Yes, I want a piece of the profits,

A piece of the pizza, and a trailer with a chocolate monkey in it.

[Russian accent] I can't work with distractions.

Here. I rewrote the scene.

I spiced it up a bit.

This is written in barbeque sauce.

Spicy barbeque sauce.

Basic concept: I'm the hero, and Bernstein's the jelly.

Now if you need me, I'll be in my chocolate monkey trailer.

Hello, Hollywood, I want to yell at someone and look important.

Don't tell me it isn't a real phone. I'll tell you what's a real phone.

The hot air balloon...

[gasps] ...catches fire.

[laughs]

Crash, what's going on? I heard you had a meltdown on the set.

No, I'm just fixing the script.

There's nothing wrong with my script.

Nothing that couldn't be fixed.

I added a lot more Mr. Purple

and gave you an awesome catchphrase.

[high-pitched] "You saved my butt, Mr. Purple."

That's a horrible catchphrase.

The hero never needs his butt saved.

The hero saves butts.

Well, good news. You're not the hero anymore.

Now you can see what it's like to be the sidekick.

Sidekick? Is that what got your underwear all twisted?

[grudgingly] Yes.

Well, that and my new underwear twister.

Not my best impulse purchase.

Look, Crash, it was a great idea to put you in the comic book.

But now it feels like you're trying to take control.

This is my movie. It's based on my comic book.

So let's do it my way.

"My, my", sounds like someone's got a case of the "mys".

-Crash... -No, I quit. I'm making my own movie.

That's crazy. You write with condiments.

Now get off my set!

This is our bedroom!

Now Mr. Purple

storms off in a huff.

-Great. Let me get the door for you. -[angrily] Great!

[yelps]

You storm off in a huff. I'm staying here.

Fine.

Do you call that a huff?

Oh, man, he's good.

Okay. The Possum's been captured.

I fly in on my jet-powered snowboard and take out the League of Annoyance.

[Russian accent] I can't believe I'm working for kids.

What's with the accent?

Does nobody know what acting is?

I think it's hot.

[normal voice] I'm dropping it.

When do I get to hit somebody?

I hope you can take a punch.

[scoffs] From a girl?

It's just a play punch, right?

Keep it down over there! I'm making a real movie over here.

[deep voice] In a world

where evil

lurks behind every girl

and a 12-foot sandwich

costs 80 dolars.

Who're you talking to? Wyatt took the camera.

[normal voice] Cut!

There's nothing to cut. I told you, you don't have a camera.

What are you wearing?

You don't look like The Shredder.

The name's Plunger.

I look really silly in snowboarding clothes.

I'm only here because you promised me $50.

And you'll get it.

Now our financing's a little tight, though.

Mrs. B moved her purse to a higher shelf.

Well, hurry it up.

This suit's riding up my grand canyon like a rented burro.

Hey, I'm the director.

You just get in that barrel and look pretty.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

You can't call cut on my movie. I haven't called action.

I'm sorry. Go right ahead.

-Action! -Cut!

Give me my camera back.

It's not your camera.

It's my camera, you numbskulls.

Ouch. What's biting me?

[shrieking] There's a rat here!

[screaming]

Crash, get the camera.

It's not my camera.

[Poulos] Help me out of here so I can wring your necks.

[Both] Uh...

[Poulos] Whoa! Whoa-oh-oh!

-[barrel crashes] -[Crash] Go, go!

Well... that wasn't so bad.

What are you talking about? That was a disaster.

This is why I didn't want to show my comic to people.

I knew we'd end up looking like fools.

[scoffs] I told you not to show anyone.

The Shredder and Mr. Purple.

You guys are brave.

Why? We haven't saved anyone.

No, I mean to walk around in those outfits.

Come on, Jumper.

[shrieks and whimpers] Dog!

Crash, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sic him, Jumper.

Really? Don't do me like this.

It's kind of a shame we had these outfits made

and no one will ever see us be superheroes.

It would've been awesome.

-Dodging bullets. -Yeah.

Running through burning buildings.

-Fighting criminals. -[laughs]

Wait, what am i talking about? That sounds awful.

-Let's go play a video game. -Great.

[whispering] Come on. Hurry.

[screams] He's taking Jumper!

-[Roland] That's the dog thief! -[Thief] Come on, hurry.

Now's our chance, Shredder. Launch me.

Ah!

Prepare for a purple bruising.

[slow motion moaning]

-Crash. -Huh?

No time for slow-motion.

What?

[Female singers] ♪ It's The Possum ♪

Pesto, stop him!

[high-pitched shriek]

I got you.

Score one for The Possum.

Where's the dog?

Crash, get the dog!

[whimpers]

How?

You can do it. You're Mr. Purple.

Yeah, I am.

I can do anything.

I am the baddest superhero to ever walk this planet.

[high-pitched] Here, puppy.

[squeaking]

Here, jump-jump.

[squeaking continues]

[heroic instrumental music]

Don't worry. We're friends now.

We bonded over how we clean our butts.

Who are you guys?

Some kind of avant-garde dance company?

That's The Shredder and Mr. Purple.

[clears throat]

And that's Rat Boy.

I'm The Possum.

Look, I financed the movie.

You're Rat Boy.

[barks]

♪ Crash! ♪

Portland saw some real life superheroes in action today.

Hey, Bernstein, check this out!

Security cameras on Oak Avenue

caught some amazing footage of one Wyatt Bernstein and Crash

calling themselves The Shredder and Mr. Purple

apprehending a would-be dog thief.

You're missing it!

It's better than I could have written myself!

But, what makes this story special, is that Crash, the little purple fella

He is actually Wyatt's sidekick in real life.

[groaning]

I don't know about you

But I know I will be sleeping a little bit sounder tonight

knowing that The Shredder and Mr. Purple are on the job.

In other news, we have... What?

I am not a sidekick! This is a sidekick!

-[Reporter] You are adorab-- Oh! -[grunts]

And, now, here's Susie with the weather.

Hey, Bernstein!

I'm on the radio.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪