Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hard Crash and Bern ♪

Crash!

Wrestling's on.

If you don't get out here, you're gonna miss the--

Taste the purple claw!

[both scream]

Oh, yeah? Taste this!

Whee! [groaning]

Ugh, you stay out of this, lady.

Why don't you clowns watch TV sitting on your butts like normal people?

You're gonna put another hole in the wall.

I am shocked and offended

that you just assume that I am in any way responsible

for the damage to this wall.

Yeah, I don't think we're gonna need C.S.I. to figure this one out.

Don't you guys understand?

Wrestling doesn't just destroy walls.

It can destroy a man's very soul.

Don't ask. It's just too painful to talk about.

-Cool. -Okay.

Just quit putting holes in the wall!

[mockingly] "Just quit putting holes in the wall".

Crash?

Crash!

Oh, I have no idea where you could be.

Ha!

Huh?

Taste the purple claw!

-Whoa! -[laughs]

[groaning]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins... ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong - Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge - I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams -Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever -That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... -I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Let me hear you say Crash! ♪

Check it out.

Sweet, wrestling tryouts.

There's a school wrestling team?

You mean I've been wasting my time learning stuff

when I could have been fighting people?

Oh, we've got to sign up.

What are you doing in there?

Uh, what do you do when you hang out inside your locker?

[scoffs] This guy, huh?

Wait, Cleo, you're a cheerleader now?

But you hate sports... and smiling.

And you've got no school spirit.

Hey, I've got school spirit.

Go eagles!

We're the owls.

Oh, whatever. I'm doing a story for the school newspaper.

I'm going undercover to expose the dark side of cheerleading.

Oh, sounds fascinating.

[whispers] No wonder journalism is dying.

It's about time someone takes the cheerleaders down.

They think they rule the school.

They're always smiling and spelling things out.

L-e-t-s g-o.

Let's go. Let's go.

Good news. They made me assistant coach of the middle school cheer squad.

Now I can boss you around at home and at school.

Yay!

She's going down.

[laughs]

Oh, man, the Murdoch brothers are here?

Those guys are mean. I heard their dad's a hockey player

and their mom's an even bigger hockey player.

[whistle blows]

All right, grab some mat and listen up, newbies.

My name's coach Hank Urkhart.

I'm serious about two things in life.

Wrestling and civil war reenactments.

Both turn boys into men.

Plus you get to wear cool uniforms.

I love my uniform.

It fits right in all the wrong places.

All right, I'm gonna demonstrate a few simple wrestling moves.

I need a volunteer.

Oh, me! Oh, pick me!

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...

Somebody who's not afraid of pain.

Oh, pick me! Oh, pick me.

Hello, pick me, me, me. I'm over here. I'm awesome.

Pick me. I'm over here. I'm Crash. I'm awesome.

You, on the mat.

But he had a bullhorn.

Now.

This is called a double leg takedown.

[screeches]

When do we learn the pile driver?

Ooh, and the iron claw?

Oh, and how to jump off the rope into the bad guy's head?

This is school wrestling, not that TV garbage.

You can't do those moves here!

Sure I can, watch.

[roars]

This one's called the "pit stop."

Hmm.

Hmm. Smell it.

Hmm.

Nice moves, Bernstein.

You remind me of a younger version of myself.

You were better-looking then, right?

Yeah.

[sighs] School wrestling is boring.

We got to make this more like TV wrestling.

We need rivalries.

Hey, Pesto, Ethan said you smell like his cat's butt.

My mom gave me this cologne!

[screams]

Okay, Crash, you and Fisher.

You are going down, Fisher.

I hope you're hungry for some purple fist.

Take off that stupid mask!

You take off your stupid mask.

Look, Wyatt, you're good. You have a chance to be one of my stars,

but Crash is out of control.

Yee-haw! Yee-haw! [screams]

I'm cutting him.

Give him a chance.

He'll get the hang of it. I promise.

[sighs] Fine. [Crash continues screaming]

But if he messes up again, I'm cutting both of you.

[grunts]

Y'all just got "wrassled." Whoo! Ha ha.

Starting next practice, right?

Ha ha!

What are you doing?

Oh, I glued Ethan's locker shut.

I'm gonna tell him Pesto did it.

That's my locker.

Oh.

Pesto did it.

Crash, I think you can cool it with all this rivalry stuff.

Really?

So our first match is already sold out?

How many tickets did we sell?

30,000? No, no, no. That's crazy.

40,000?

Crash, this is middle school wrestling.

We don't have fans.

We have Yuri, the janitor

who sits in the stands and reads vampire novels.

You're right.

We need to get the word out.

[Crash on speaker]: Listen up.

Come see crusher and his boys

annihilate the baby men from Memorial Middle School.

We will destroy them like principal skelly's toupee

destroys his dignity!

Oh, hey, principal Skelly.

Hey, Cleo.

How's cheerleading going?

Great. I turned my article into the school newspaper.

Now I can take off this ridiculous skirt

and I never have to cheer for the pelicans or whatever-we-ares again.

Cleo, now that you're a cheerleader, you can't be seen talking to zeros.

No offense, Pesto.

Your lips were moving, but all I heard was,

"I love you, Pesto."

[bell rings]

Wait, no hurry.

Being late to class is one of the perks of being a cheerleader.

So is this.

["Flower duet" plays]

Is this heaven?

No, it's the cheerleader lounge.

Come in and close the door.

You're letting out the smell of fresh baked cookies.

For the last time, I didn't glue your locker.

My hands are sticky from my hair gel.

I pull the strings and they dance.

[laughs maniacally]

[whistle blows]

All right. Big match on Saturday.

Bernstein, you're up against their best guy.

Don't let me down.

My mom let me down one Christmas.

I asked for a bike. She got me a denim Velcro wallet.

Don't be a denim Velcro wallet.

Hey, coach. Who am I up against?

Actually, you automatically win.

The other team has no one in the seven to ten pound weight class.

I already won and I haven't even wrestled yet?

I am undefeated!

Now we can both concentrate on your match.

Now, I'll coordinate the costumes.

Coach has a lot of faith in me.

I don't want to mess this up.

Gotcha. Let's talk Saturday wardrobe.

I'm thinking I wear a boa and you wear a boa constrictor.

Actually, the match is on Sunday.

Uh, I could have sworn coach said Saturday.

Heh, better clean out my ears.

[squeaks]

This tickles my brains.

[Crash] Now that is some nice work.

Thank you.

Where are you?

I was in there.

Ooh! [laughs]

Let's make a deal.

You don't touch the walls,

and I won't rip off your arms and legs and mail them to different states

and bury the rest of you under the rock garden

behind my sister's koi pond.

Wow.

You've given this a lot of thought.

Yes. Yes, I have.

Okay. No more wall breaking.

I'll just stick to wrestling. That's my true calling.

Yeah, I used to feel the same way.

I don't like to talk about it, but back in the day

I used to rule the mats.

You?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I sounded like I didn't believe you. Let me try that again.

[clears throat]

[exaggerates] You?!

It was a long time ago.

I was just a young buck ready to wrestle the world

in flashy spandex and a rocking mullet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

T.M.I.

That stands for "too much I don't care."

Please don't run the article.

I know I said cheerleaders are stuck-up snobs,

but that was before I knew about all the perks of being a stuck-up snob.

Come on, Cleo, we're gonna be late for the wrestling match.

And if the cheerleaders aren't there, people are gonna have to watch wrestling.

Hey, the match isn't today.

It's [loudly] Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

No, it's today.

[sadly] But Bernstein told me it was Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

Well, it looks like Wyatt lied to you, lied to you, lied to you!

[people cheering]

Bernstein, how dare you lie to the Crusher!

Don't worry, I know it's all part of the show.

You told me the wrong day so I could find out at the last minute

and make a heroic entrance.

Actually, you weren't supposed to find out.

What's that?

You want me to jump in and save you?

-No! -Okay.

[grunts]

[whistle blows]

Disqualified?!

Crash, what are you doing? You got me disqualified.

You got me disqualified.

Keep it up, Bernstein, the crowd is eating this up. [laughs]

You two are a disgrace to the sport of wrestling!

Oh, coach is part of the act too?

Hey, great job, Urkhart, little meaner.

You're both off the team! Now, get out of my gym!

Wow. That seemed real.

[Crash] Okay, I'll see you at home.

Boy, this wrestling is fun to watch, huh, Bernstein?

[high-pitched voice] Sure is, Crash.

[laughs]

Oh. Hey, Mr. Poulos.

[high-pitched voice] Hey, Mr. Poulos.

Crash, Wyatt.

This is creepy.

Even for you.

Look, I know Wyatt's still mad at you,

but don't let wrestling ruin your friendship.

That's what happened between me

and my former wrestling partner.

Is that coach Urkhart?

Back then he was called Cyclone,

and I... was the Plunger!

We were the top wrestling tag team in the northwest.

Part of Portland.

Then he stole my signature move and we haven't spoken since.

We could have been champs.

But that doesn't sting as much as losing your best friend.

[loudly] Sorry, did you say something?

I was listening to an audiobook on friendship.

And I realized I can't lose Bernstein.

You got to help me talk to coach Urkhart into letting Bernstein back on the team.

He'll listen to you.

You don't know Cyclone.

[loudly] I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

I was listening to an audiobook on Cyclone's life story.

I feel like I really know him.

But wait, he's getting to the part how he did not steal your signature move.

What?

Let's go!

Better stay back. This could get ugly.

Hello, Cyclone.

Been a long time, Plunger.

It's good to see you, you old plate of soup.

[laughs]

-How you been? -Oh, you know, can't complain.

-Hey, how are the orchids? -Beautiful as ever.

They keep me alive.

You're right. This is ugly.

Hey, Cyclone, I came to ask if you could let Wyatt back on the team.

Sure. Anything for my old partner.

Just apologize for betraying me.

You betrayed me!

You stole my signature move, "the half plunger."

All your stupid moves were plumbing terms.

"The drainpipe." "The showerhead." "The handle jiggle."

Nobody cares about plumbing!

Not until they need it, then they care!

[whimpers softly] They care.

Let's settle this on the mat.

Your guys against the Murdoch brothers.

Fine!

If you win, Wyatt's back on the team.

If I win, I got a locker room full of clogged toilets

with your name on them.

The toilets say Mr. Poulos on them?

You finally earned my respect.

-You! -Ah!

♪ Crash! ♪

Oh, no.

Thank you. That's mine.

All right.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just recycling.

Go planet!

Hold on. Let's hit the lounge.

There's a great D.J. today.

Have you heard?

There's gonna be a grudge match today.

Check out my ad.

It's right next to Cleo's article about how awful cheerleaders are.

"Empty-headed airheads." "Mean thoughts hidden behind fake smiles."

And lots of macho sweating.

Be there. Be there. Be there!

[laughs]

I'm sorry, Amanda.

I asked them not to run the story.

[techno music playing] Sorry.

The lounge is for cheerleaders only.

You're off the squad.

But I want to come in there.

P-l-e-a-s-e.

Don't you dare spell at me.

This lounge doesn't make you better than us!

[kicks]

Oh, there you are.

Uh, listen, Bernstein, sorry for getting you kicked off the team.

I just got carried away and I...

I messed up our friendship because of it.

Uh, Crash, I'm over here.

Hmm? Oh.

That is uncanny.

Listen, Bernstein, I, um...

Uh...

What I said to that guy.

It's okay, Crash.

It's partly my fault for thinking you'd know the difference

between TV wrestling and school wrestling.

I know you get mixed up a lot.

What? I do not get mixed up!

How dare you say that I get mixed--

Crash, you're talking to the mannequin again.

Oh, right. Well...

I have good news for whichever one of you is the real Bernstein.

I talked coach Urkhart into letting you back on the team.

Really? That's awesome.

I know.

All we have to do is beat those humongous,

impossible-to-beat Murdoch brothers at a tag-team match.

What? They'll rip my head off.

Oh, man.

Then I'll never be able to tell the two of you apart.

[stomping and clapping]

If they don't show, you forfeit.

They'll show. Those kids won't let me down.

Wait, let me make a call.

All right, let's do this.

I'm not afraid of anybody. [laughs]

Aw, man, did they grow since yesterday?

Where's Crash?

He's not here?

[drumbeats play]

[rock music starts]

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

[cheering starts]

Listen up, Murdoch babies.

Crusher Crash and no-nickname Bernstein are here to bring the hurt.

[cheers]

Yeah, let's do the wave.

Whoa!

Bring it back. Bring it back.

Whoa!

Yeah.

Whoo. Yeah.

Clap it out. Clap it out. Yeah.

Whoo! Oh. Oh. Oh.

[babbling]

[music stops]

We're here to wrestle, not dance.

[gasping]

Okay, Crash, you go in first.

You tag out when you're tired.

Tag.

I'm already tired.

My entrance dance really took it out of me.

Save the chatter for the debate club.

Let's fight. [blows whistle]

[cheering]

Crash! I need you!

Uh, just a couple more minutes, Bernstein.

I'm having a great dream about wrestling these guys.

We're winning.

No, we're not. Ah!

He can't do this on his own.

Oh, man, I did not plan on this happening.

[growls]

[rock music starts] [growls]

The Plunger's going in!

And so is the Cyclone.

I'm taggin' in.

[Crash growls]

Oh, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

[growls]

One, two, three. I'm sorry, you lose.

Get off me.

That got weird.

Bernstein, you were all right out there.

You know what?

You're back on the team.

Hear that, Bernstein?

We're back on the team.

Oh. no, not you.

If you ever step foot in my gym again,

I'll use your head as a sweat mop.

Ooh, good fake anger.

Keep it going. The crowd's eating it up.

Face slam!

Whoa!

[Crash laughs]

[humming]

Oh.

Don't mind if I do.

Crash?

You in there?

[chuckles]

Come to Poulos.

[screams]

Taste the purple claw!

[growls]

Back off or I'll put you through the wall.

Oh, yeah?

I'll do it myself.

Uh? Oh.

[slam]

You had to make a new hole.

[screams]

♪ Crash and Bern Hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" - What he said ♪