Original subtitles

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

[Wyatt] Step around here! Get that-- yeah! Yes!

[both] Woo-Hoo!

-New high score! -Ha ha!

This is the best moment in Wyatt and Pesto history.

Yeah!

Um, when you guys said we were gonna ride motorcycles,

I thought you meant real motorcycles.

We're 12.

Right...

Sorry, Snake, Dagger, Eugene.

Another time? [chuckles]

See you at book club?

Sorry.

-Hmm. Dagger's lost weight. -Yeah.

He eats that yogurt that makes you poop a lot.

Oh!

Hey, uh, you guys don't have the high score.

Some dude named "Weesto" does.

Uh... [chuckles] That would be "Westo."

As in Wyatt and Pesto.

Huh? Uh-uh.

If you combine the two names together, it makes "Westo"!

Totally not following,

but really enjoying how agitated this is making you.

Okay, my turn to ride!

-No! -Hmm?

Me and Wyatt have to play as many times as we can.

They're retiring the machine this weekend.

Whoever has the high score on a game when it's retired,

gets their picture up on the wall of fame.

Huh?

Pesto and I have been working on our pose.

What do you think? Tough guy?

Male model.

Or how about superhero?

Well, wait. You're doing the same pose.

I'm male model, man.

What's your super power? Making up stupid nicknames?

[laughing]

-Whatever, let's just play some more. -Yeah.

Sweet! I wanna play too.

Ha ha!

Turn left!

Right! Faster!

Are we there yet?

[grunts]

Wow, you're really intense when you drive.

I can't see. Get out of the way.

What? Ooh!

Ha ha!

A good driver trusts his instincts.

[Pesto] Hey!

Wow. You have terrible instincts. Oof!

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[grunts] Time to poison my brain hole.

[bell dings, cheering on TV]

-[sound stops] -Hey, I was watching that.

And now you're not.

[grunts and groans]

[screams] Mine mine mine mine mine!

[Crash groaning]

Oh, yes!

I am the ruler of the remote!

I win and you lose.

Because you are a little girl, and I am a man!

Hey! Give me back my blank-blank.

Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine!

[both groaning]

[sofa leg cracks]

Ah!

We broke the sofa! Mom is going to kill us.

Cleo, chill. It's just the leg. I could totally fix it.

Just relax.

[exhales]

Okay, we're dead.

[screaming]

Crash!

We have to stay cool.

[calmly] Cool.

Okay, we have to find a way out of this.

Ooh! A cover-up. I'm on board.

What should we do? Uh... oh! Trash the place? Eh.

Oh! Hide out in Mexico?

If we're heading to Mexico,

we may as well keep on going all the way to Peru.

I know a guy there who can rent us a llama.

I need to think!

Can you just stop talking for two seconds?

[inhales deeply, holds breath]

[groaning]

Oh man that was impossible, it felt like forever,

please don't make me do it again, seriously it's only 20 bucks a llama!

We need to doctor the crime scene.

Oh! Get Amanda's brush.

We can leave some hair in case Mom does a DNA test.

No, I got a better idea.

Get me some gumballs, some copper piping

and a leaf blower.

Oh, never mind.

I got it all right here.

Cleo, give me a hand.

-Yeah. Ha ha! -That's actually not that bad.

-Mm-hmm. -Now we need to keep

anyone from sitting on it till we get it fixed for real.

Check. I'll take first watch.

Ah.

I'm gonna need more gumballs.

[doorbell rings]

You ready to play some cards?

Wow!

And only seven summers at magic camp.

It's okay. I got another deck up my...

Up my...

You have more cards, right?

Mm-hmm. I keep them in a drawer.

Like a normal person.

Oh, by the way, I invited Crash to play with us.

Why'd you have to invite him?

He ruins everything.

Just give him a chance.

It's gonna be a friendly game.

All right, suckers!

Game on!

Get out your money so I can start taking it.

Oh, and Pesto? No crying when you lose.

No tears on my game table.

I don't cry when I lose.

I cry when I disappoint myself.

The game's "go fish." Oklahoma-style.

Ten cards. Kings and lady kings are wild.

Deadwood knocks, aces are a no--

Does this think come with a kill switch?

Yup, two of 'em. Mm. Mm.

Oh, yeah? I'm so scared of those tiny little fists.

All right, guys. As much as I'd like to see you two guys

compete for the light light light lightweight championships,

we've got cards to play.

Crash, you have any sevens?

Um... go fish.

Wyatt, what card did Crash just put in his shirt?

-Huh! -It's a seven.

Oh, a seven! [laughing]

I misunderstood. Okay, my turn.

-Wyatt, do you-- -Actually, it's still my turn.

No, you just had your turn. Wyatt--

No, I asked you for a seven, and you had a seven. It's still my turn.

Again with the turns, Pesto!

You and your turns and your sevens!

Nobody cares how many sevens you have.

I have lots of sevens.

This guy's a cheater! I'm not playing with him!

Hey, you don't like the way I play "go fish"?

How about this?

Go... fish!

[grunts]

[both grunting]

Hey! Look at you guys.

You found something you have in common.

You both like slapping each other with fish.

From now on, if you're gonna hang out with this purple punk,

you could do it without me!

-But-- -Yeah well,

if you're gonna hang out with that clown,

you're gonna have to do it without me!

Oh, great.

You know, not only did you guys mess up the card game,

but I'm pretty sure that this was supposed to be

tomorrow night's dinner!

We've gotta do something fast.

That couch is a ticking time bomb.

You found my time bomb?

-What? -Eh...

Nothing. Uh--

I've been monitoring the sofa sitch. No one's sat on it.

Although, I've had to resort to some extreme measures.

[Crash yelling]

And that's what it feels like to be an NFL quarterback.

[groans] Thanks for the tip.

Hey guys! Staying out of trouble?

-Of course! -What have you heard?

I mean, of course we are.

Yeah... Don't sit on the sofa!

-What? Why? -Um, uh--

Because... A lot of people are sitting on exercise balls these days.

You know, it's really good for helping strengthen your core.

-Core. -Mm.

Yeah well, my core and I have an agreement.

I don't bother it, and it doesn't bother me.

See? Weak core.

You should sit on the ball.

[screaming]

Hey!

Hey hey, relax!

Relax.

I'm just working on a way to keep Cleo off our side of the room.

Oh.

'Cause if she comes anywhere near our side of the room,

she'll have to deal with this.

Awkward silence?

It was supposed to zap her with a really bright laser.

Hmm.

Come on. Whoa!

I'll modify that.

Hey. Let's go prank Pesto.

I got something warm and smelly to leave on his porch.

-[chuckles] -[inhales] Oh!

Whoa, Crash. That's disgusting.

I know. It's broccoli.

Can't you just give him a chance?

You guys actually have a lot in common.

Really? Does Pesto like to do this?

Ooh! Oh! Yeah! Oh!

Huh?

Uh, no.

[grunts] All right. Oh, I know.

Does he cry at the sight of a beautiful sunset?

Yes! Yes, he does!

He does? [laughing]

And you wanna be friends with that baby?

[laughing] Oh!

Boo-hoo! Where did the sun go?

It might never come back!

[laughing]

Oh, Wyatt! You're disgusting!

Open a window!

It wasn't me. Crash had a bag of hot broccoli.

Oh, sure. Blame it on broccoli.

Your body does horrible things. Own it!

I'm serious. He's gonna use it on Pesto.

Your friends still don't like each other?

No.

Well, why don't you force them to hang out

like mom did with us sharing a room?

Eventually, we got bored of hating each other

and started to get along.

Now control your smells or I'll shave off your eyebrows

while you sleep!

Ah. Nothing like being on my hog

and feeling the wind smack my face.

You know you're facing the wrong way, don't you?

I am not!

Just keeping an eye out for Johnny law.

Oh, there he is!

Hey, Johnny!

Good to see you. Love that guy.

Oh, hey Pesto.

What brings you to the arcade?

Um, my parents own it.

And I got your text.

I would have been here sooner, but I stepped in a bag of broccoli.

Oh, you and your old Italian expressions.

[chuckling]

-Ow, cramp cramp cramp! -Ha ha.

Ow! Oh!

Ow, my leg!

Ah, I can't play anymore.

But I already put 40 tokens in the game.

Pesto. You gotta take over for me.

I get free tokens.

I don't need to play with him.

He says you ride like a loser.

Oh, it's on.

Pshh, you ready to lose, loser man?

-We're on the same team, butt for brains. -Ah! Oh.

Strong, precise, excellent use of the open hand.

Your smacking skills are more impressive than I ever imagined.

Ride with me.

[Pest] Left.

[Crash] Right.

Raccoon!

Correction: Road kill.

[both laughing]

[Crash] Whoa! Ho ho ho ho!

-Well well. Look who's hanging out. -Yeah! Shh!

We're about to hit the high score.

-Really? -Mm.

Whoa whoa. Oh!

[both] New high score!

-Yeah! -We're gonna be on the wall of fame.

-Yeah, we are. -Wow, that's great, guys.

The wall of fame. You two.

I put in our name. "Cresto." [chuckles]

Whoa... That's "Crash" and "Pesto."

How come nobody else in the entire world

has ever thought about combining their two names

to make one awesome name?

Well actually, Pesto and I--

You know what? Doesn't matter.

It's just cool that you guys are getting along.

Now we can all hang out together.

Oh, we should wear something awesome in our picture.

[Crash and Pesto] Matching motorcycle jackets!

Great minds think alike.

And great behinds think alike.

Ha ha! Later, Bernstein.

Bye... Cresto.

Uh... Hey, Bernstein?

I couldn't leave you here all alone.

Uh, I need you--

-Thanks, Crash. -Now hold on, let me finish.

I need to you to lend me 50 bucks so I could buy motorcycle jackets.

♪ Kick it down, Crash and Bern ♪

Okay, new sofa plan.

Instead of keeping people off it, we need someone to sit on it,

so then it'll "break" and we can blame it on them.

We just need to set a trap.

Ah, yes!

Just like the trap I set to keep people from touching all my traps.

No time for a trap.

-We've got company. -Oh.

Hey, mom! It's been forever. We should catch up.

You sit on the couch, while I sit on the coffee table facing you,

so we can create extra intimacy.

Actually, I've gotten kinda used to sitting on this exercise ball.

My core is ripped.

Uh... I was here first! Hmph!

Crash? What is wrong with you?

Um, you know, I can't breathe and I'm slowly blacking out,

but, uh, other than that, I can't complain.

Ooh! That's a load off.

You weigh a ton!

Well, in that case, I'd better work off some calories!

-Wait wait, no-- -[groans]

Count 'em off for me, Crash.

-One... -Yup!

-Two... -Only 98 more to go.

Three!

-Wohoo! -Four...

Hey, Bernstein, I got your message and I got here as soon as I could.

I left that message like nine hours ago.

Yeah, I was at the movies with Pesto.

Then I shot hoops with Pesto.

Then me and Pesto spent like four hours

outside your building just kinda doing nothing.

So nine hours is as fast as I could get here.

Okay.

Now that you're here, I wanted to show you

the improvements I've made to our border security.

[whirring]

[robot voice] Cleo alert!

Return to the stupid side of the room or face the consequences.

[Crash] Dude, that is epic!

You haven't seen the best part--

No, I'm sorry. I'm on the phone with Pesto.

So epic!

T minus one hour to wrestling! Oh, yeah!

Sweet! Pesto's coming over to watch wrestling with us?

[gasps] We can teach him our pre-match ritual.

[both grunting]

[both] We're about to watch wrestling!

[both groaning]

Aw, Pesto would love that.

But we actually got tickets to see the match live.

See you later.

What? Why didn't you ask me to go?

Uh well, I didn't know you liked wrestling.

We watch wrestling together all the time.

We have a pre-match ritual that clearly states:

"We're about to watch wrestling."

Oh, yeah.

I never really thought about the subtext to it.

Eh, I don't have to go.

Our friendship is more important than a wrestling match.

Look, if you really wanna go--

Okay, bye.

So, Pesto and Crash are hanging out?

I guess my plan worked.

Yeah, your plan worked great.

Now they're best friends

and they're doing all this stuff without me.

They're even gonna be on the wall of fame without me!

-I'm sorry, Wyatt. -Thanks, Cleo.

I'm sorry you're being such a baby about this!

I'm not being a baby!

I just wanna be on that wall and I want my friends to play with me.

Okay, so that was a teeny bit baby.

You know what? Forget those guys.

Doing all that stuff without me?

They wouldn't even be friends without me.

I mean, how'd they like it if I did all that stuff without them?

Bravo, Wyatt!

Great speech.

Only one problem--

you don't have a partner to play that game with.

Oh, well. It was fun seeing you to at least try to man up.

[robot voice] Cleo alert, Cleo alert.

Return to the stupid side of the room or face the consequences.

What the--?

-[shooting] -Ahh!

Uh! Ahh!

-Hey. I just thought of something. -[Cleo yelling]

Can you at least turn this thing off?

Can't. Manning up.

[crowd cheering]

Some idiot's supposed to be trying to beat our high score.

Pshh, amateurs.

It's Wyatt!

And that weird dude from our room that looks like Taylor Lautner.

-He's close to beating our score. -Ha! Yeah, I am!

You know, I'm surprised you guys are even here.

Thought you'd be out buying friendship bracelets.

That is nuts!

I mean, the friendship bracelet store isn't even open today.

That's why we bought these last night.

-Yeah. -Yeah!

Well then, I guess it all worked out.

You both found someone to replace me,

and I found someone who'll replace you.

Only my new friend won't ever let me down.

Really, dude? After all that nice stuff I said about you?

Don't worry, Bernstein. You got your wing man.

No, you got your wing men.

Um, Pesto?

I'm cool sharing this dramatic moment with you,

but, uh, you're kinda sitting on my biscuits.

Ah.

You guys don't have to do this. You already have the high score.

No, that was "Cresto."

But up on that wall it's gonna be...

"Bernrashto."

"Pestashio... Stein."

Ah, we'll figure it out later. Let's ride.

Left. Right.

-No hands! -Wohoo!

Wohoo!

All right... [grunts]

From now on, hands.

Yeah!

[Crash, Pesto and Wyatt] New high score!

[all cheering]

Yeah! Thanks, guys. That was awesome.

Wall of fame, here we come.

Wait wait wait wait!

What pose should we do?

Oh, I know. How about the invisible man?

Pshh, that's stupid.

How can someone be in the picture, if they're invisible?

Exactly.

♪ Crash on fire ♪

I don't know about this, Crash.

Look, there's no other choice. She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Someone's gotta take the fall for this.

You know she's gonna get mad.

Yeah, but a real man's not afraid to throw himself

in the line of fire.

Oh, Mrs. B, would you please come in here?

I have something to tell you.

Wha--?

Taylor Lautner broke your sofa.

Cleo, you're grounded.

Crash, on the exercise ball!

No no no! No!

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪